Category: Really fake news

DEFENCE MATTERS : Security analysts have spoken to the press today to give a thumbs up to Boris Johnson and his UKIP government for the strides they’ve made in strengthening the UK’s defence via Brexit.

“There are daily new stories of the army being deployed to counteract the impact of Brexit on civil life,” Doctor Armee told LCD Views. “As a former serving Tory MP I must declare an interest, but even so it’s incredibly impressive.”

The main source of the renewed strength appears to be the deployment of the U.K. defence forces domestically in so many sectors.

“Some said that the decision to strip the armed forces to the bone in the austerity years was shortsighted, but those amateur defence commentators didn’t take into account the tangible benefits of Brexit,” the Doctor explains. “We now have soldiers driving grocery deliveries, ambulances, picking crops, running fishing trawlers, doing rubbish collection and all manner of public service. You just think about invading the U.K. now! Anywhere you land you’ll run into a member of the armed services and gotcha!”

The government will of course take due credit for the even distribution of military personnel around the country.

“Some people say Prime Minister Boris Johnson and his loyalists are just a bunch of corrupted idiots whose brains have been turned into Swiss cheese by years of mingling with kleptocrats. Well it’s clear now that they haven’t, their brains are 100% English Cheddar and we can all be proud of it.”

The only potential snag appears to be if we run out of serving personnel to re-task with duties to keep public life just about functional, before the EU dies of embarrassment and sends all those workers we threw out back.

“There’s an easy solution to that,” the analyst analizers. “We just make access to tertiary education means tested and conscript all the poor kids into the defence forces. Your KFC will get its chicken delivered once little Tommy from Hackney has it explained to him that he is serving the country now as a squaddie delivering to fast food chains. With the added bonus of serving in the army could never be safer.”

The next person who collects your waste could be a solider. Brexit Britain. Never has a country made itself safer.

MINISTER FOR MATT : Exciting news this morning bursting, exploding and cascading out of the Westminster bubble that disgraced political superstar Matt Hancock is to return to the cabinet.

Speculation has been building for days that Mr Hancock was due to be rehabilitated. I mean, why wouldn’t he? He’s such a talent. Anyone doubting the reliability of this invented story just needs to look at the career of the Home Secretary and all the ghastly shit she’s gotten away with, even before her current posting. Even a six figure pay out for bullying can’t dislodge her, yet.

What new role to find for Mr Hancock seems to have caused some delay with many options being considered.

“It had to be a new Ministry,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “This is a government of all the talents and all the positions are filled by geniuses. We did consider making him Minister for Whatsapp but that seemed too much like laughing in the public’s face. Minister for Locating Michael Gove was also a possibility, but even little Matt Hancock would likely turn that down. Then we got it just by looking at Mr Hancock’s career, and what will soon happen to the whole crew once the Brexit catastrocountryshag really kicks into gear. And the Ministry for Ministerial Reputations was born. It will receive a starting budget of £350m per week.”

It’s believed Mr Hancock’s focus will mostly be protecting Boris Johnson’s reputation. His plummeting popularity risks seeing him replaced in the classic Tory bloodbath, which is now overdue. But he’ll also have time for his strongest obsession.

“That is himself. Matt. Minister for Matt. He’ll try and craft the job to that end. You just have to look at how he invoked the war dead in the hope of becoming PM, before throwing them under the bus, to understand what his primary focus is.”

A TURNIP IN THE SHAPE OF A THINGY: Fast food favourites KFC are having trouble sourcing those juicy nuggets of chlorinated joy. Instead, they are turning to a very British solution, and substituting vegetables for meat. 

“It’s a cock up,” groaned chicken buyer Dick Lycavegetable. “Our customers expect chicken cooked within an inch of its life, dunked in spicy breadcrumbs and served with reconstituted fried potato stix. There will be riots!” 

Just like the last time KFC ran out of chicken. But Lycavegetable had an innovative solution. 

“To be honest, all you can really taste is spice and MSG,” admitted Lycavegetable. So whatever is actually being consumed is irrelevant. So long as our customers think that they are eating chicken, they are happy!”

The solution turned out to be the Great British Turnip. “Cooked for long enough, a turnip goes stringy and tasteless like chicken. So it’s a perfect substitute! KFC no longer, we will henceforth be known as KFT!” 

The shortages are being blamed on foreigners. Specifically, the EU. “The EU forced shortages of KFC on us as punishment!” claimed Tory MP Sir Blabber McGobshite. “It’s covid, it’s got to be, they are so jealous of our vaccines and our superior death rates. Stands to reason. Innit. That’s why the lorry drivers have gone home. Someone must remind them that they need us more than we need them. It’s chickens coming home to roost!”

But not to KFC apparently. It’s clucking madness, and is being egged on by featherweights like McGobshite. 

All this pussyfooting around the elephant in the room won’t bring home the bacon.

Expect fast vegetables to become the new normal. Tick into piri piri swede, cabbage vindaloo, or sweet and sour pumpkin balls. 

Sit back and watch the feathers fly as KFC lovers get the bird. Cheer as gammons become vegetarian by default. 

And if you don’t want that turnip, I’ll have it. Cheers! 

THINK OF THE CARPARK IN KENT : The United Kingdom’s Prime Minister, and son of noted environmentalist Stanley, has taken to the Downing Street press room today to celebrate the most striking success of his Brexit.

While the saboteurs and gloomsters moan on about staff shortages and short shelf life fruit and veg Mr Johnson has his hands firmly wrapped on the shaft of success.

“I’m tumescent with joy,” he told the assembled press in the £2.5m Russian built room. “I’m stiff with ecstasy at what we’ve been able to achieve simply by a few tweaks to immigration law and by imprisoning ten thousand EU drivers in Kent last Christmas. If I was a steam train entering a tunnel I’d toot!”

The cause of the big headedness appears to be the environmental gains that Brexit is delivering.

“Many said that by dismantling our long standing trade with our nearest neighbours in an attempt to replicate it with less savoury regimes on the other side of the world that our carbon cost would escalate,” Mr Johnson beamed. “But just look already at what we’ve achieved? Are the Kent lorry parks full? No! Are the motorways clogged with trucks? Not at all! Brexit has reduced our heavy goods vehicle emissions in a way no secure food supply chain could.”

To celebrate the achievement Mr Johnson is going to do something a little unusual for a serving Prime Minister.

“I’m not like old Dubya across the pond who waited for retirement to turn his hand to art, although his portraits are excellent,” Mr Johnson enthused. “I’ve started already. Arts and crafts with empty wine crates. And later today I will place my latest creation outside Downing Street for everyone to celebrate.”

A nation waits with bated breath.

“I have made a model of your local Tesco’s fruit and vegetable aisles out of empty wine crates. It is exceptionally simple. I just lined the empty crates up next to each other and painted on a sign that says veg.”

SAVE US FROM OURSELVES : GLOBAL BRITAIN is showing itself to be the tour de force of international power we all expected it to be. Everyone is sitting up and taking notice of what we can do when we’re left to our own resources and the results are impressive.

“Weak minded citizens expected Brexit to be a failure,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “As if you can’t just rip yourself root and branch out of a forty year trading relationship without severe consequences. Well what did they know? They didn’t predict the pandemic and how it would allow us to fudge the lines did they? Know it all’s the lot of them. They also didn’t forecast we would delay and delay import controls to avoid food riots. Ha! We’ve outsmarted the remainers at every step of the way. Right from the electoral crime that was committed to deliver the result and on through an entirely useless parliament.”

And while it is right and just that the visionaries of Brexit celebrate their wins, it is slightly disingenuous to completely ignore the steps the EU is going to to keep on good terms with Great Britain.

“We welcome the invasion of Milton Keynes by the EU army,” the source advises. “It just shows you that we didn’t need to worry. We didn’t need to plan or prepare. Once we run out of food the EU will be obliged to assist. Mr Johnson will later today invite the EU army’s engineers to invade also and build a bridge from the carpark of the Tesco concerned right back to Brussels. That way they can just drive in the fresh fruit and veg over the top of the customs controls.”

Global Britain, proving anything is possible if you set your mind to it, and even if you don’t.

NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT : The United Kingdom’s builders and decorators have never been busier now that we’ve sensibly sent home most of our builders and decorators. But even if the boom does turn to bust you can guarantee Downing Street will always be a source of ready employment.

To ensure the market remains strong and stable though additional measures do need to be put in place from time to time. Here the Executive builds on the forward thinking approach of previous and present tenants in the most famous of public housing projects.

“We’re going to establish a VIP Lane for donors to avoid the scandals that surrounded Mr and Mrs Johnson’s refurbishment of the Downing Street flat,” an invented Tory Party SPAD tells LCD Views. “This way people can line up to pay for the refit once the Johnson’s are out the door. Which will be sooner than many expect.”

The VIP Channel will operate much on the same lines as the one which allowed unqualified, incompetent, greedy but public spirited Tory linked figures to treat the pandemic like a cash cow of unprecedented scale.

“It’s certain that Prime Minister Rishi or Prime Minister Truss, or even Prime Minister Raab will want to change the wallpaper for starters. Nosebleed season ends with the Johnson’s. Of course we’re Raab is concerned it will probably only be redecorating 10 Downing Street as no one has yet taught him once he counts to 10 on his fingers he can carry on up with his toes.”

Exactly what the VIP Lane individuals will receive in return for paying to clear out the new money desperation the Johnson’s slapped all over the place isn’t yet clear.

“That will remain a secret,” the SPAD advises, “in the public interest. If you knew how degraded your democracy has become under the latest long rule of Tories you might link it to the gaps in the supermarket shelves and not blame refugees.”

Rishi Sunak is not in anyway linked to this invented story which we have imagined to focus on the PPE VIP Lane scandal. But he’s been used in the image as he’s the one the press expect to replace the bloated windbag of bad governance currently festering inside 10 Downing Street. It maybe Priti Patel gets the top job and the UK can finally be devoured by the Kraken it is so desperate to summon. Or we may finally cut the crap and just let Rupert Murdoch move in before he pops his clogs.

LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE : 10 Downing Street is in an upbeat mood on the fight against the mean spirited climate and the search for tangible benefits.

“It will certainly help make a success of Brexit,” a jolly 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Look at all the petrochemical dollars in my pockets! Oh. Second thoughts. Don’t look at the dollars just get hooked on my bad faith arguments. When you’re exasperated by me why not drop in on Facebook and get into a debate on climate change with a paid troll in a political group?”

Clearly among developed nations the United Kingdom is particularly well placed to find the sunlit uplands, tangible benefits and increase in sovereignty inherent in any man made disaster. After all, we’ve been practicing with Brexit. Why should climate change be any different?

“Just think how we will benefit from a widening English Channel? It’ll be harder for illegal human beings to reach Blighty, so Priti Patel will be beaming. This is just as well as negative changes to climate is bound to make a lot more of them. But all patriots will be delighted by the increased distance between London and Brussels. Rather than being an unwelcome danger we should welcome the changing sea levels and the corresponding enlargement of sovereign British waters. Our navy will not be overtasked as our island will shrink so it will take less time to patrol and circumnavigate searching for enemy subs and Danish cod trawlers. Really it’s a series of win wins for Britain.”

But while Downing Street is characteristically upbeat and ready to lead not just the U.K. but the world in an embrace of avoidable disaster, there are some boring critics.

“You’d think men like Johnson and Rees-mogg would be determined to do all they can to stop the dangerous changing climate,” one noted, “after all they’re populating the world with legions of children. But they seems strangely nonchalant. Almost as if in spite of all the evidence of negative consequences to come, if we don’t change course, they don’t believe in it. Which would be very Brexit.”

FRIED COUNTRY PIECES : News of shortages are in the headlines daily now as Global Britons seize hold of the advantages of shortages delivered by Brexit, but Britons can rest assured their world beating government is on top of the drama.

The army has been placed on standby to stick a finger in the dyke that holds back a flood of empty supermarkets. Just a normal, healthy representative country functioning properly after a criminal influenced national opinion poll became gospel. But it’s not just the trucker squaddies that are holding the ever thinning line which separates Global Britons from empty shelves.

“We can confirm that the Special Air Service has also been deployed to ensure there are no emergencies in food supply which would necessitate phoning the emergency services,” a MOD spokesman told LCD Views. “Specifically we are talking about KFC. And we are not choosing favourites. The parachute regiment is guarding McDonalds.”

Why the SAS has been deployed to guard the chicken lorries should be obvious, as reports of widespread foot riots are due any day now and we need the best of the best on active service.

But it’s not just the SAS which has been re-tasked to ensure the success of Brexit, the spy service is also now fully focused on domestic supply side issues.

“We can also confirm that the threat to the Prime Minister’s wine supply is being taken as a serious one,” the source continues. “A tank regiment has been placed on the lawn at Chequers. Anyone attempting to breach the defences will face lethal force. But we are working with our colleagues at both Mi5, Mi6, Mi7 and Mi8 to ensure the would be saboteurs never get that far. The 00’s are licensed to kill and to wine taste.”

There are not thought to be any national security implications arising from the redeployments as Global Britain is far too intimidating a target.

“Let me be clear, the country is not in any danger from external actors. And even if it were Boris Johnson’s government would not bother to find out. Enjoy your bargain buckets. Strong and stable government.”

NAVIGATING A CHANGING WORLD : The United Kingdom is set to lead the world on Climate Change by leading by example.

There are many measures that can be taken to combat the changes, but as the negatives will predominately impact on poorer nations and Priti Patel will ensure none of the victims reach our shores, HMG is taking different steps to prepare for the future.

“Yes, there will be some rise in sea levels,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “But that’s mostly from remainer tears, so I wouldn’t worry about that. Patriots will just stiffen their upper lips and get on with it. Floaties on arms, swimming for Britain. We won Brexit and now we’re going to win the changing climate. The same dark forces are behind both. Just look at the hot air output on social media.”

But that is not to say they won’t do anything, alongside banking donations from the fossil fuel industry to spout shite.

“We’re going to see the UK ready for any of the eventualities,” the source continues, “we will be a guiding light for future generations as they bob and bop along on the waves of apathy which will resonate from our present to their future.”

How exactly the UK will be a guiding light is the key question?

“We’re refitting Big Ben. The Elizabeth Tower for pedants. But Big Ben will be changing too. We’re swapping out the bell and installing the most powerful incandescent bulb ever built by man. You’ll be able to navigate your way as you paddle board to and from Sainsburys. Which, by the way, will be on a hovercraft.”

NOTHING TO FEAR : DOWNING STREET has moved today to reassure anxious global Britons who are becoming inordinately alarmed at the widening gaps in supermarket shelves.

Where it will lead no one knows, except the industry experts who have spent years warning about the dangers of Brexit. Oh, and millions of people who had access to Google in 2016 and afterwards.

“If we’d listened to the gloomsayers we’d never have delivered Brexit,” a well fed 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, in between courses. “Try the lobster thermidor? It’s nuclear. Here. Take two. It’s on the taxpayer. What about a drink? If you’re awake it’s well past time to have a glass or two. Ha! What were we talking about?”

Clearly there is nothing to worry about and “no need to panic”. This is because People’s Prime Minister Boris Johnson has called in the army. A standard Tory solution to any domestic crisis.

Critics of the situation are less than convinced however. They are doing the standard defeatist, unpatriotic, remoaner trick of basic maths.

“Look, what these worry worts who are talking the country down need to understand that any problem can be solved by just believing hard enough. Yes there are only 2000 army drivers. Yes they probably have other things to do than deliver frozen veg to a Tesco in Wiltshire. Yes that still leaves 98,000 drivers short. But so what? What about Blitz Spirit?”

And if that doesn’t work Mr Johnson has a backup plan.

“He’ll blame someone else and bugger off. It’s worked a charm his entire career. The only question left is where does he fail upwards to from here?” the source wonders. “Another glass? Don’t be shy. It’s on the taxpayer, just like Brexit.”