Category: Pseudo Science

LOCK-IN IS THE ORDER : WORLD LEADER Boris Johnson requires the best advice if he is ever going to wrestle that invisible CV-19 mugger to the floor.

And while some so called scientists appear to be handwringing over the sheer testicular effort needed to do the required wrestling, not our BoRiS. He’s total balls. If only he could find them. It must be the fault of the girly swots, unmanning a hitherto unstoppable lothario of sound governance.

So to ensure Johnson makes the right moves at the right time he’s made a significant change to SAGE today.

“Whitty thought he was so funny, constantly handwringing and worrying about mortality rates,” a 10 Downing Street adviser told LCD Views, “how is anyone going to have a good time with that stick in the mud around? How is Johnson supposed to enjoy being PM if people keep boring him with detail? And don’t even mention exponential to us. Exponential contracts awarded to mates of Tory MPs is the only runaway number we’re worried about.”

If you can’t make hay while the Covid shines when can you? Well, Brexit will certainly see a need for contracts for completely unforeseen calamities dished out too. But that’s for tomorrow. Today is viral.

“And today is the time to act. So Whitty and the other long faces are out of SAGE,” the advisor beams, “and Tim Martin is in! There’s no surer way of avoiding the harm a second national lockdown will bring except by turning the whole of the U.K. into a Wetherspoons lock in. We’ll even be issuing the new Covid-19 advice on beer mats from here on in. Get in!”

HINDSIGHT IS 2020 : BRITAIN’S RULER AND FAMOUS SUPERFORECASTER, DOMINIC CUMMINGS, has announced he is to spend the day predicting the future, from the past.

The announcement was made via an update to a 2014 blog about regulatory standards in hydraulic lift manufacturing, as viewed through the window of ‘The Book of Kells’ and how the wisdom inherent in the ancient texts determines the best speed of fluid intake and outflow.

The 1992 blog which he will ‘update’ today will allow Mr Cummings to predict Joe Biden’s electoral win the November 2020 US presidential campaign.

“It’s not so much a blog,” one of our historians reveals, “as a page in the diary he was keeping back in 1992. Before his unexplained years in post-Soviet Russia. But a blog by any other name is still a blog, isn’t it? I’m sure we can find the answer to that in the 2011 blog he will update next week.”

The motivation for the latest edit to his entirely reliable writings is believed to give Tory MPs the upper hand as they seek to forge links with the potential Biden administration, after weeks of trashing the same on social media.

“Joe will be deeply flattered to know that Dominic was already focused on his potential at a time when most where looking elsewhere,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “but just like the progress of Brexit trade talks and the viral pandemic currently going at tantric speeds in the UK, Dom saw it all coming.”

And so long as it remains possible to go back and edit a blog post he will have predicted it.

HERD IT ON THE GRATEVINE : BORIS JOHNSON is to intervene in the pandemic, being rashly enjoyed by the British people again, with words of advice.

It is hoped his personal intervention will bring clarity. We have received an advance copy of the final draft of the speech.

“Pretty much all year the British people have played around with this virus as if it’s not really that dangerous,” the PM is expected to say in a live, televised broadcast, “which it isn’t. Unless you all get it at once. Or you’re in an at risk group, or you’re just bloody unlucky.”

He’s right.

“This has made it very difficult for me to enjoy my time as your prime minister. Some days I feel as if I am the Cyclops desperately attempting to purchase a monocle, before departing on my autumn holidays in some sunny clime, wrapped in a golden fleece. Only to find myself marooned in a store selling contemporary sunglasses. This must stop.”

So far so food.

“For too long you have all treated this virus as if it’s simply a convenient way to loot the state’s coffers and increase the power of the executive. I can not tell you how irresponsible this is. It’s as if you all think you won’t notice the crippling impact of Brexit if you just stay sick?”

We’re really letting him down.

“I don’t want to order anyone to change their behaviour. In fact it’s almost impossible for me to believe anyone would act in the interests of other people. This is because I am incapable of such behaviour. But you simply must stop following my advice. In fact if you do not I will have to put what few remaining soldiers we have left, after a decade of ill considered austerity, onto the streets.”

All very sensible. It all makes complete sense.

“So I urge you now. I implore you. You must stop your reckless pursuit of herd immunity. I must be allowed to enjoy my time as your prime minister. This job is supposed to be fun. You are ruining it for me. I don’t want to call you all selfish. I want to call you pathetic little worms crawling about underneath Dom’s feet. But I can’t. So I won’t. By the way I am like a big, hungry caterpillar which Dom has put on an apple. This all makes sense.”

Complete and total sense.

“And I commend this speech to the house. We’re finished aren’t we? It’s my nap time. I’m not entirely sure which house I am commending this speech too. It depends who I’m shagging on any given day of the week.”

It’s hoped the broadcast will go viral. We can all feel safer now that the prime minister has given a speech.

DO AS YOU’RE TOLD EVEN IF YOU’RE A VIRUS : DOWNING STREET has moved to talk directly to Covid-19 today, after pretending it didn’t exist anymore stopped working.

“This is a direct message for Covid-19,” a source at Downing Street told a pliant reporter, “you are to stop staying out all hours drinking and get home at a respectable hour.”

The respectable hour chosen is 10pm.

“Or just after 10pm. As it will take you a few minutes to walk home on your new host if you’ve been at your local. Clearly the journey could be longer if involving public transport or a taxi. Probably best not to use a bike as you’ll be drunk.”

The new curfew being imposed on Covid-19 is believed to be because it simply can’t infect that many drunks before 10pm.

“We’re following the science Covid,” the spokesman added, “just like Tim Martin has demanded we do.”

But whether or not the change to last orders will lead to less last rites in England isn’t yet clear.

“That’s not really the point,” our infectious disease analyst comments, “the aim is to appear to be doing something, while not really doing anything. Policy is designed after consultation with party donors. It is then pushed through a mental sieve of infectious disease expert’s advice. What comes out the other side would make a very nice sausage.”

Clearly the population will be reassured by the new measures though and act accordingly.

“It makes a lot of sense. You wouldn’t set 10pm as closing time if people could get infected in the increasingly inebriated hours before it. It’s not a case of a government that actually doesn’t care who lives or dies, but feels it needs to appear busy.”

The earlier closing time will benefit children too.

“Yes. By demanding that parents get out of the boozer by 10pm many will make it home in time to give their children a big, sloppy Covid-19 kiss goodnight.”

World beating.

KEEP A CLOSE EYE ON YOUR NEIGHBOURS : GLOBAL BRITAIN has got Covid-19 in the bag!

From midnight yesterday* it is now illegal for more than one member of any household to contract Covid-19 in the United Kingdom.

The new restriction is to help slow the spread of this most virulent virus and stop the NHS becoming overwhelmed.

This is important.

As with the first wave of Covid-19 the most important aspect was/is the visuals.

It is not for British governments to see their hospitals overflow onto the pavement like careless continentals. This is entirely unnecessary when you have a well established and widespread privatised care home network.

It will also have the added benefit of dramatically reducing demand for Covid-19 tests as it will not be legal for anyone but mum, or dad, or a younger sibling, or a grandparent (in multi-generational households), or an older sibling, brother, sister, step-brother, step mum, visiting boyfriend who is supposed to be sleeping on the sofa, aunt or uncle fallen on hard times and staying in the box room while the divorce is finalised, or visiting exchange student to be infected at once.

“Essentially it is form an orderly queue,” an official claiming to be working with Matt Hancock told LCD Views, “one at a time please people. Show some decorum. You can’t all be sick at once. It’s not British.”

“This will also allow us to arrive at the cherished, sunlit upland of herd immunity, prior to the 2024 General Election. Covid-19 – let’s make a success of it!”

But in order to make the legislation effective we all have to do our bit.

“If you know of, or even suspect, a neighbouring property has more than one infected member you will be asked to call a new freephone number. After all your personal data is scraped a privatised police officer will be dispatched to arrest the offending parties.”

STAY ALERT – catch Covid-19 first and be sure everyone knows you had it first. This way the wrong people won’t get arrested.

#GlobalBritain #TwoWorldWarsOneWorldCupOneViralPandemic

*supporting legislation will be made by fiat and published in the usual channels once Dom has finished blogging it.

STEADY AS SHE GOES : THE SEAS MAYBE A LITTLE CHOPPY around MIGHTY Britain currently, but that’s just the expected seasonal change as autumn comes in.

“No one should get the impression that it’s a complete shambles,” an aide to Health Wizard Matt Hancock told LCD Views, “Matt is working his little socks off day and night to honour those men who died on the beaches. You remember them? Matt invoked them in his quest to be Tory Party leader, before throwing them under the bus to get a job with Boris. People of known quantity are leading the country in its current darkest hour.”

But it’s not going to get very dark, not even if you need a Covid-19 test.

“Some people appear to be alarmed by reports that Richard E. Grant got a Covid-19 test at an airport in Italy, just like that. I agree. It’s incredibly alarming the way some states in the EU squander public resources! You can rest assured that your government has fiscal responsibility at the heart of its response to the Covid-19 crisis.”

And it’s this famous Tory ability to shepherd the public finances that is behind the latest wheeze from the spunking power bunkers of 10 Downing Street and the Department of Health?

“Yes! We have now launched Operation One Test. This will revolutionise demand for Covid-19 tests in the United Kingdom.”

But how does it work? What’s the masterplan?

“It’s simple. We just keep flinging bag loads of cash out of the back door to our mates while Covid-19 spreads. Once the entire country is infected we will only need One Test to diagnose everybody!”

FLY ME TO THE MOON: Operation Moonshot has got off to the best possible start. Chris Grayling has got involved.

True to form, Grayling has taken the briefs and run with them. He then pulled them down, and took a photograph of the Grayling derrière. Moonshot means moonshot, and nobody knows quite where to look.

Official guidance on what Operation Moonshot actually is has not been published. Boris Johnson announced it in his usual disingenuous way, because he will say any old bollocks you suggest to him. He hasn’t got a clue about it, but it does have the distinct advantage of sounding quite impressive.

Unfortunately, Grayling’s untimely intervention has left the project in jeopardy. Even “Classic” Dom Cummings can’t justify a £100bn price tag for a picture of Chris Grayling’s arse.

Instead, Cummings will be forced to put his iron fist into the threadbare velvet glove that is Johnson, and devise a world beating cock and bull story to blame the EU instead.

For penance, Grayling should expect to be dispatched to find an optician called Bernard Castle, somewhere in northern England.

“Operation Moonshot was a disaster waiting to happen anyway,” rocket scientist Stan Dwellback told LCD Views. “It’s not rocket science. We at the British Space Programme were expecting some serious funding at last. Instead it turns out to be a cover story for shovelling enough money to pay for a serious cheese mining mission to the moon into the pockets of an accountancy firm. What do they know about space?”

With that bitter thought, Dwellback returned to his chemistry set, and the crazies on QAnon who were trying to convince him that we are under attack by fighting machines from Mars. “The chances of anyone coming from Mars are a million to one, they said,” he muttered darkly. “But still they come. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!”

Cummings is going to have to move quickly, before Michael Gove has a chance to bare all as well.

CLUSTER BOMB OF BORIS BEING BORIS : BORIS JOHNSON is used to getting his own way. And used to running away. But those two standards of his life are becoming harder to come by, leading some to suggest he’s not all that clever after all.

“He’s essentially an after dinner speaker for drunk toffs who don’t need to know better, because privilege,” a professor at the newly created Institute told LCD Views, “when you just buy your way out of the messes you make in life you don’t need to think that hard. You don’t need to avoid disaster.”

But it seems that way of coping with life’s ups and downs only gets you so far.

“It can get you to be prime minister,” the professor observes, “it just doesn’t help you afterwards. For some baffling reason, that even we haven’t yet worked out, being prime minister is a tough job that requires focus, commitment and attention to detail. It’s not a role for a self centred blowhard, even if you are happy to let someone else do it for you.”

And we all know who that someone else is. Maybe he’s not too clever either?

“He’s good at one thing at a time. Electoral crime because he’s had political cover. That’s about it. The ability to see things from other’s points of view BEFORE you make decisions is key to being a successful prime minister. Other people are involved in a country. Shock! It’s why Theresa May was also a failure. Boris thought he was being really clever as he did her over and stole the top job, but he was really just pushing her off an accelerating, runaway skip fire on wheels and taking her place on the ride to disaster.”

Whether or not people should start clapping for Boris Johnson to recognise the sacrifice of his over inflated sense of self worth at the feet of reality isn’t yet clear.

“Who would want to?” the professor asks, proving why he’s a professor.

“Boris Johnson thought he was building the Wicker Man for someone else to be shoved inside. When his shadowy backers shove him in he will be surprised.”

So much for Boris.

“He is very impressive. How he got the job? What a blag! When we measured the amount of things he’s gotten right since against the stopped clock in our laboratory we got quite the surprise. On a daily average, consistently, the stopped clock is right two times more often than Mr Johnson. That’s if you can even multiply a zero? Which is the next thing we’re looking into.”

BEHIND THE MASK: We didn’t need masks when Britain was Great, says the UK’s leading patriot. Britannia rules the waves, and will now rule the second wave.

“Yeah, we don’t need you and your snowflakey European rules, Mr Guy Ver-whatsisname,” thundered Nigel Farage. “Britons never, never, never shall be slaves to your cosy single market and your undemocratic customs union! We had an empire once, you know!”

Farage swelled like the pathetic puffed-up popinjay he is.

“We want – no, demand – our country back!” he continued, warming to his theme. “We don’t want namby-pamby face masks, it’s a little virus not bloody nerve gas! We never had covid in the good old days, when you could go to the pub, smoke 40 full strength untipped ciggies, drink a skinful, and drive home to claim your conjugal rights!”

The virus threat was pooh-poohed by the boo boo in the doo doo.

“It’s just a sniffle!” he coughed, repeatedly. “This talk of a second wave is extremely tasteless. I can’t taste anything! They kick up a stink yet I don’t smell anything! It’s time to ditch the mask! I’m spreading the virus… I mean the news… Anyone got any cough medicine?”

After all, Nigel Farage and Brexit are all about deeply misplaced nostalgia. “We want a Britain before safety matches, safety belts, safety everything. No more nanny state! Open fires, dodgy wiring, home brew made from dandelions! That’s the Britain we want back!”

The good old days. That’s what they want back. Warm beer, matrons cycling home from evensong. Women murdering husbands with frozen legs of lamb, and serving it up to the coppers afterwards. PC gone mad? The only PC they want is the bobby on the beat. Until Boris Johnson and his chums sacked them all.

Rule, Britannia? With a world beating second wave hotly anticipated, Britons would rather die horribly than be slaves to anyone trying to do them a favour.

A PLAGUE IN ALL THE HOUSES : The U.K. is set to be the first country ON EARTH where no one dies of Covid-19 anymore.

“Don’t let them mention New Zealand, you can’t trust their figures,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “if they keep reporting no Covid-19 it’s a language issue. The accent. The U.K. will be the first country thanks to the latest Downing Street initiative. And we did it without all the handwringing by regional governors that’s going on in the colonies.”

The initiative is believed to have been thought up by none other than hardworking, dedicated, overworked, totally committed, never resting prime minister Dominic Cummings.

“Cummings interrupted his special advisor’s Scottish holiday to thrash out the details in a conference call with over promoted, confused school boy Matt Hancock. It’s really ironing out a problem in the way CV-19 death stats are recorded in the U.K.”

And while our report is definitely a scoop, the initiative is actually building on statistical work already completed.

“The change to denying reality if someone dies of Coronavirus more than 28 days post diagnosis has achieved a lot for us, politically. And virtually no one has challenged us. This is great. Under the old way of recording actual lives lost to our shambolic herd immunity experiment 92 people would have joined the stats yesterday. But with 28 day rule only two did. This is an example of following the science. The PR science.”

But how will the new way of recording achieve zero deaths in a month?

“From now on each day we will tighten up the criteria. Today only people diagnosed with Covid-19 and dead within 27 days will join the big number in the sky. Tomorrow 26 days, and so on. It’s the right step at the right time to get people back into the office and kids back at school. There, under our recording system, they’ll be safe, and their parents and the staff, because within days it will be impossible to die of CV-19 within the U.K.”

World beating.