Category: Pseudo Science

ALAS, ALAS AND ALACK: The poor man’s Winston Churchill impersonator, Boris Johnson, has defended the invisible track & trace system. The world beating, table topping, up ramping operation has cost £22bn to date for little or no return.

Where has the cash gone? Johnson explains in his usual unreassuring manner. Alas, we were obliged to spend the money on expert consultants, so necessary to ensure value for money.

“It is necessary to roll out people who know things,” babbled Johnson at the daily coronavirus briefing. “And experts do not come cheap. We want to build a world beating system, one that is already the envy of the whole world, Mars and Venus, Jupiter and Saturn, Oberon, Miranda and Titania. Neptune, Titan, stars can frighten, ooo!”

Johnson has captured Syd Barrett’s freewheeling style nicely there, but that’s where any resemblance ends.

Where has all the money gone, demanded LCD Views’ Dog With A Bone correspondent, Don Taskagain.

“Well, yes, no, erm, wiff waff, yes, it’s important that we do this correctly,” he replied. “There’s no need to panic, we have everything under control, these things take time, I give you my word that it will be up and running by September, no doubt about it, November maybe, February at the absolute latest!.”

But where’s all the money, Taskagain asked again.

“Yes, yes, yes, I’ve already answered that,” countered Johnson. “The problem, yes that’s it, the problem is the aging population and widespread obesity, and new models need to be created to cope with this new data, and we have a working party who will roll this out, until then, sadly, we will have to take the virus on the chin. We will fight covid on the beaches,” he said with sudden inspiration and a clumsy salute.

“And that’s all folks!” he concluded. “Same time, same place tomorrow, for Coronavirus Special!”

He gave a gameshow host smile and wave, and was gone like £22bn.

TAKE THAT BRUSSELS : The unelected tyrants in Brussels are reeling today at just how superior the thinking is in newly liberated Brexit Britain.

“It will teach them to throw us out of the clubhouse against our will,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “they can eat our dust. Look at us fly.”

And flying Brexit Britain is, and nowhere more clearly than the race to vaccinate against Covid.

“We were famously first to approve the Union Jack for use on vials of vaccines developed by international collaboration,” the source continues, “and we’re first to establish vaccine super centres so Global Britons can gather together and queue in the race against the killer virus. Think of the sense of community as you congregate? And it’s a good day out. Much better than popping down to the pharmacy or your local GP surgery. Hardly a chance of finding new people to reminisce about WW2 doing it locally.”

But the next strategy to be the first to vaccinate the entire population will leave the Brussels gang gobsmacked.

“This week we are going to step it up an extra world beating gear and begin our homeopathic vaccine play,” the source confirms, “each local authority will be under instructions to pay a major corporation to send a sub-contractor around to the local water supply station with a single vial of patriotically packaged vaccine.”

This sounds truly world beating.

“Then a series of other sub-contractors will perform one task after another until the vaccine phial has been broken and poured into the water supply. Next time you drink a glass of water you’ll be fully protected in a way only Brexit Britain can.”

Genius. Whatever will they think of next!

THERE WAS AN OLD WOMAN WHO SWALLOWED A COVID : REASSURING NEWS FOR ANXIOUS GLOBAL BRITONS TODAY AS THE UK BECOMES THE MOST INFECTIOUS COUNTRY IN THE WORLD.

While secondary schools and primaries have closed because of the danger of transmittinh Covid to teachers, other staff, students and thus the broader community, nurseries have remained open.

“This is because we build them tough in Brexit Britain and it is vital the smallest children don’t miss out on their first lessons about WW2. It’s the foundation of the entire school curriculum,” a source liaising between the departments of Health and Education told LCD Views.

But announcing a lockdown and keeping nurseries open has led some unpatriotic types to query the inconsistency? But our source has the answers to reassure you.

“It is the case that secondary schools were safe until they weren’t,” the source acknowledged, “and it is the case that primaries were also safe until they weren’t. Personally I blame the last Labour government, they should have done more to make the school infrastructure Covid secure. But we are where we are.”

And where we are is that nurseries are apparently completely safe.

“This is because the smallest of children are unlikely to show the symptoms of Covid infection, thus making them safe. If people don’t see symptoms in other people then they probably won’t know who infected them. Track and Trace certainly won’t let them into the secret either! Ha!”

Following the path of the pandemic. The UK government. From cradle to grave…

THE £22 BILLION POUND WOMAN : Police and community groups are appealing for the public’s help today after the disappearance of Covid tsar Dido Harding continues deep into the new year.

The vanishing of Dame Dido Harding does not seem to have particularly concerned the government, which is not unusual, as billions have already been handed over in private contracts.

Some would say she has served her purpose. But we are not doing the sums.

“We may attempt to use the world beating Track and Trace system built by Harding to find herself, but there’s some concern it doesn’t function properly and any leads will come too late to be useful,” a Met spokesman said.

In the interim the public are warned not to approach Harding, should they spot her, but to phone a number at the Department of Health that will go straight to voicemail.

“It’s very important Harding is not startled. She may vanish into the scrub again if she is. We need to locate her urgently, so if you see her, just keep walking.”

But there is an anticipation that no less eminent figure than Matt “those men who died on those beaches” Hancock will shortly get involved.

“Dido needs to be located,” an aide to Hancock told LCD Views, “as she’s the best person to organise the races at Cheltenham. Hang on, maybe she’s there? Mucking out the stables?”

In other news, the public is increasingly hopeful of an actual resolution to the deadly Covid crisis, otherwise this year’s racing festival may well be interrupted…

GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN : DOWNING STREET have confirmed today there are a few loopholes in the new Tier 4 CV-19 restrictions.

“Always read the fine print,” advised a random cabinet minister – who voted for the Withdrawal Agreement last year, before later threatening to rebel once he’d read it.

The exception is believed to have been made because of the mystical, healing powers of Barnard Castle.

“It sorted Dominic Cummings’ eyes right out,” the minster added, “and he’s such a wanker it was thought he was permanently blind! So if it can do that, there’s a good chance the powerful aura of the ruins will prevent Covid-19 transmission.”

But to be clear that there are no breaking of the rules all households planning to get together at Barnard Castle must drive themselves there in the family car.

“This is to leave the trains empty for Tory MPs breaking the rules and leaving London for Christmas. They need space around them in transit, as they’ll almost certainly have the virus.”

The Barnard Castle exception is good news for families who may have rashly believed the prime minister’s promises that Christmas would be saved, hours before he butchered it for millions.

“We don’t want all that food and drink going to waste. We need everyone good and fat to enjoy the tangible, inedible benefits of Brexit in January.”

But public health officials have suggested that the Barnard Castle exception will just add more harm to the damage done by Dominic Cummings in the summer. Before throwing up their hands and giving it up altogether because no one in Downing Street ever pays attention in time anyway to avoid disaster.

TWO PINTS OF LAGER AND A MEATY MAT : GREAT NEWS for patriotic publican Tim Martin today with the confirmation by government that his beer mats count as a substantial meal if “consumed as a main”.

“It follows on from their use for years now as a clear and precise source of public information about Brexit,” a Department of Health aide told LCD Views, “when you hold one there is so much to chew over. The only real issue is whether they’re better with red or brown sauce? Or perhaps an English aioli? I mean, a bucket of sawdust for throwing on the floor when you vomit them back up.”

To capitalise on the regulatory win it’s understood that Mr Martin is in his lab personally cooking up a range of new flavours.

“Christmas themes will likely feature heavily. Turkey mostly, the voting variety. Brussels sprouts – well, English shoots, there the ones with a picture of a pistol and a foot on them. And sovereignty flavour. Eat as many of those as you can stuff in. And if you have trouble swallowing one of those Mr Martin will personally come to your table in full hazmat and force it down you like a foi gras goose.”

Of course it’s not just the mats you can order as a main.

“We don’t have any scotch eggs. We’re letting the gastropubs, and their imitators deal in them. But you will be able to order urinal cakes. Any square of any carpet in any of our establishments as a main. But maybe it’ll be better to save those to enjoy like a cheese and cracker board after the beer mat and urinal cake. If you get one of the carpet squares near a corner table they taste just like cheddar.”

WHEN ONLY THE BIGGEST PRICK WILL DO : MATT HANCOCK IS TO TAKE TO THE PODIUM LATER TODAY TO ANNOUNCE A WORLD BEATING BRITISH FIRST IN THE FIGHT AGAINST COVID-19.

However, the latest twist in the Covid-19 tale in the UK, the looming vaccine, is certain to cause some concerns in certain demographics.

“The vaccine uptake maybe especially low in groups like ‘Friends of serving Tory ministers’,” an aide to the Health Secretary told LCD Views, “it’s easy to imagine many in a group like that discouraging vaccine uptake out of concerns it will stop raining money daily in exchange for dodgy, or often on-existent PPE. Well, presumably they’ll pay for the vaccine privately the moment it is administered. But saying one thing and doing another is a modern Conservative trait. So…”

So moves are being taken to encourage the public to get pricked.

“To this end we are enlisting celebrities to help us convince the British public that not dying alone in isolation in intensive care after weeks spent struggling to breathe is actually a good thing.”

But what celebrities will feature?

“The winners of the business world are likely to have the greatest cut through, especially with aspiring owners of major department stores. So we’ve enlisted Philip Green. When he’s not on his yacht in Monaco that is.”

The world (and pension fund) beating billionaire will be part of the initial launch of the campaign.

“Top Shot is the favoured handle of the persuasive campaign,” the aide suggests, “And Mr Green will go around the country being a complete prick, just like the needles that will distribute the vaccine.”

Will he have any special training to do this?

“Clearly that’s not needed. Just look at his business career. Being a big prick comes naturally.”

MARK MY WORDS: The government’s go-to solution for every problem is being wheeled out yet again. The Army will lead the fighting in the War On Covid, and who better to lead the cavalry than Little Mark Francois?

Operation Mincemeat, as this initiative has tentatively been named, will commence immediately. Or in other words, on Thursday. Or Friday. Or maybe Saturday, just after closing time. Or Sunday. No, leave it until Monday, because everybody knows that Covid doesn’t work at the weekend.

Unfortunately, there is no sign yet of the Clandestine Covid Threat Commander. The thick-as-Operation-Mincemeat Francois is still Missing In Action, or maybe AWOL. He is sayin’ nuttin’ and layin’ low. Even the good people of Rayleigh and Wickford have no idea where the tubby Territorial has got to.

Still, that is no hindrance for one of “Classic” Dom Cummings’ SuperPlans. The SuperForecaster, who SuperForecasted the need for a second lockdown a mere five weeks after SAGE recommended it, has never let practical concerns stand in the way of achieving His objectives.

Indeed, so urgent is the need for a lockdown and martial medicine that the latest skirmishes will not commence until the back end of the week. The stated reason, to paraphrase the Clandestine Covid Threat Commander himself, is because if Covid refuses to cooperate this time, then he will be obliged to pass the matter upstairs to Cummings, and Covid won’t like that, not one little bit.

The utter absence of visible leadership has characterised the current government’s world beating success. The UK is top of the league for infection rates per capita, and also for preventable deaths. This enviable success has led to a stronger, fitter, healthier population (if somewhat reduced in number), which is ideal preparation for the shortages of food, medicine, fuel and so forth come January.

Alas, there will inevitably be casualties of war, as the Crime Minister might as well have said. If, sadly, you die of Covid, then you take your Covid to the grave, and then who has the last laugh? We will remember them, virtue signalling with a Covid poppy, followed by an allegedly socially distanced booze-up at the local ‘Spoons.

Dulce et decorum est, pro patria mori.

MISSING IN ACTION: Little Mark Francois, everyone’s favourite pocket-sized tinpot general, rentagobshite, and sometime MP for the nether regions of Essex, has finally been discovered. His absence was viewed with relief in some quarters, but fears for his safety finally prompted a search.

ReMarkably, Francois was found to be hiding up his own backside. Medical experts and quacks from around the world described his condition as being unstable and contradictory, which is actually quite normal for Essex.

The condition has been given a Latinate name: Smuggus Intolerablia. The only known cure is a large dose of humility.

By purest coincidence, Francois disappeared from public view as soon as allegations of rape were made against an unnamed Tory MP. It can’t be Francois, as he has most certainly been named.

“There’s not a lot we can do,” admitted Doctor Hedda Parse. “Humility is beyond the budget of the NHS. The only option left to us is to take one end each, and pull.”

We wondered if the unfortunate Francois would, in future, be known as SkidMark.

“I think that’s almost inevitable,” Dr Parse said, sadly. “These incidents are rare, but not unheard-of, and some kind of staining is bound to occur.”

He will be a Mark-ed man. The operation was about to begin, so everyone donned out-of-date PPE, crossed their fingers, and took their positions.

“On your Marks!” called Dr Parse, as the pullers struggled to get a handhold on some portion of Little SkidMark. “And take the weight… hold him steady… now, on my Mark.. Pull!”

But it was to no avail. Gently the pullers pulled, but Francois retreated ever further up his own fundament.

“Confronting a sufferer with the reality of the situation often makes the double down,” said Dr Parse. “Or double up, in this case.”

They tried, again and again, before admitting defeat.

“It’s no use,” said Dr Parse. “We’re going to need a bigger arsehole.”

WE’VE HAD ENOUGH OF EXPERTS: Health Secretary Matt Hancock has blasted covid-19 for not behaving in the correct manner. It has continued to infect people, despite the government’s best efforts to restrict its progress by opening pubs, shelling out huge amounts of money on ancient spreadsheets, and flouting its own regulations.

The post of Health Secretary is a poisoned chalice at the best of times. And Hancock perseveres knowing full well that Boris Johnson is the one who poisoned it.

Johnson himself is caught in his own web. Like covid, he had failed to follow The Science, which advised a short, sharp lockdown to control the spread of the virus and identify sufferers. Now Labour is suggesting he does precisely that. So Johnson must choose between proving himself an uncaring liar, or agreeing with Keir Starmer.

Devil? Deep blue sea? Nobody knows which way Johnson will go. Except everyone knows he will never agree with Starmer on principle. Johnson is quite possibly contemplating the disappearing act performed by runty little no-Mark Francois.

What does covid have to say about all this? Nothing, that’s what, and the silence speaks volumes. It’s a damning indictment, in that it refuses to defend its indefensible behaviour. However a couple of rogue viruses were discovered in a car, having travelled from London to Barnard Castle, despite The Science telling them that it was safer to go to the pub.

“I was only testing my eyesight,” claimed the first virus, slightly shiftily.

“Blimey! A talking virus!” responded its partner.

So that’s completely clear.

The publicity this event has generated has led to a second wave of viral infections. Meanwhile The Science is being changed like a nappy, and waiting for the next load of bullshit and a painful rash.

We have reached an amber light at tier 2 level 4 where R is more or less than 1, which means stay home, stay safe, check, change, reboot. Or not, if you don’t want to. Stay alert.