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“We’re gonna build a wall around Earth and Earthlings are gonna pay for it!” space scientists decode deep space radio message

Professor N. Quasar, an astro-anthropologist working on British Space Agency’s SETI project has announced today, via a Facebook post on his personal page, that he has decoded the repeating radio signal emanating from deep space.

“I’m sorry to have to tell everyone,” he begins the post, in which he confirms that the radio messages are being broadcast from a previously unknown alien civilisation, situated in the Furore Nebula (turn left after that massive planet lurking behind Pluto and keep going for 100m light years). He then goes on to state what the alien signal is telling us.

But controversy has immediately engulfed the professor after his world altering announcement and sadly meant no one is focusing on what the alien lifeforms are really telling us.

“He’s gone off and tried to get all the credit for himself. I’m not sure how early he got up today to do it?,” disgruntled colleague, Doctor Neutron tweeted after reading Quasar’s post, “this is singularitily one of the darkest events in my entire career. I’m not sure if our working relationship will escape it.”

Whether or not the controversy will prevent Professor Quasar winning the Nobel Prize for Astro-biology is anyone’s guess, or for that matter allow the impressive duo to carry on working together.

“It will if I have anything to do with it,” Doctor Neutron tweeted, “this is worse than the time he discovered the British moon landings were faked and had that article published in the Gruniad.”

But what does the message from deep space actually say?

“Make Space Great Again! Or MSGA (pronounced Ms Ga – for the record she denies any involvement),” Doctor Neutron explained, “oh, and the sentient creatures on Flaarg-Barst 9 are gonna build a wall around the Earth and we’re gonna pay for it!”

And based on recent events, who could blame them?

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Newest U.N. Security Council Resolution Calls for ‘Planexit’

LONDON, NEW YORK – Yesterday the permanent members of the U.N. Security Council, led by the UK and the US, passed a resolution calling to hold a worldwide referendum on a Planexit to determine whether Earth should leave the Solar System. Already, the planet’s stock markets have plummeted.

According to the former British foreign minister, Boris Johnson, the planet spends too much on other planets of the Solar System.

“Each year, we spend billions of dollars on research and development on our neighbouring planets,

”Frankly, we don’t give a fuck about hydrogen creation or fertilizing the soil on Mars. People are weary of seeing stuff from space moving into our orbit without any form of restriction.” The down-to-earth MP added: “Those bureaucratic geeks in the space agencies are out of touch with reality.”

Burocratic geeks

Critics say the proposal is unrealistic and suspect the Russian secret services of steering a powerplay in the U.N.

Renowned physicist Jim al-Khalili stated that “leaving the Solar System might seem appealing to many people without a physics degree, but it is not easy to put into practice.”

The British Foreign Office has cast these comments aside as “fake news” and “elitist scaremongering”.

American president Trump reassured that ‘Earth First’ does not mean leaving the Solar System immediately:

“In the meanwhile, we will cut the funding of NASA and ESA and other nerd agencies to invest in things that really matter, like completing the wall with Mexico to halt alien incursions here on Earth. Furthermore, during the transition period we propose, we would still be able to continue to mine Mars, the losers’ planet, for the resources needed to build the gigantic nuclear device that will set a new spatial course for our own people and make Earth great again.”

Trump and May have cast critical comments aside as “elitist scaremongering”.

The referendum is scheduled to take place next year, but this time table is blocked by some ‘Planextremists’ in the Council. They reason that the concept of year is biased toward the heliocentric camp.

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‪Astronomers confirm Planet Raab is inhabited solely by idiots‬

“It’s located near the ERG blackhole and has a brittle, metallic crust over a hollow sphere,” Astronomer, Prof Demo Crazy, told our “Space is Amaaaaazing” correspondent, during an interview to discuss the latest findings concerning Planet Raab, “and what’s even more exciting…”

Don’t keep us in suspenders…

“Actually firstly, I should tell you more about Planet Raab’s surroundings. There’s some dull points of interest, but it’s mostly empty space. Shall I go on?”

Of course. It won’t be much of an interview if you don’t.

“Planet Raab is located in the Idiocy Cluster of red dwarf and dim yellow stars. The cluster is far to the right of our solar system, in its usual rotation, and contains famous comets like H-OnlyhadoneBall and Farage-Hedidn’tloseitinaWarhe’sjustasolitaryballBag.”

Our readership already knows these things. Give us a scoop prof!

“It’s inhabited.”

Get out of here! By intelligent life?

(The interview was paused for several minutes. The interviewee laughed so hard at the naive question from our so called science correspondent that they needed time out to recover.)

“What on earth made you ask that question?”

Please don’t patronise me.

“Seriously? I know the age of experts is apparently over, but oh my god.”

Can you just answer the question please? Is Planet Raab inhabited by intelligent life?

“That’s the dumbest question I’ve ever been asked. And I can tell you, since Dave ‘wonder’ Cameron proved too chickenshit to take on a minority of furious racists and deluded imperial fantasists in his party, and turned the UK into a steaming casserole of nonsense, I’ve been asked some pretty dumb things!”

You don’t need to take this out on me, you know? I’m on your side.

“Okay. I’m sorry. Ask your question again and I’ll answer it.”

Is Planet Raab inhabited by intelligent life?

“No. It’s inhabited solely by idiots.”