Category: Pseudo Science

Clocks in the UK are suffering a major crisis. Brexit Day is here (or not) and it’s also the beginning of British Summer Time. Do we go back, and if so when, and by how many years? Or just stick to depriving everyone of an extra hour in bed on Sunday?

Clocks want the uncertainty to end. “The indecision is causing real suffering,” said grandfather clock Penn Dulumb. “It is impossible to do our jobs if we can’t even decide which year we want to be in. Clocks nationwide are a tightly wound bunch. We like letting things just tick over. Some of the more militant timepieces, like the car clocks, are refusing to change at all.”

We aren’t going forward to the past today. It might be 12 April, or 22 May, or some day yet to be imagined. We might go back 30, 50 or even 100 years. What is your opinion?

“I swing back and forth,” admitted Dulumb. “I don’t know, to be honest. The whole fiasco winds me up.”

Dulumb admitted to receiving delegations from various chronological factions. “All were desperate not to lose face,” he said. “Analogue clocks were anxious that digital watches might come back into fashion. Atomic clocks were worried that leaving Euratom would put them out of work. And the sundials, bloody fair-weather timepieces, demanded complete control but refused to take any responsibility.”

Dulumb commented that Brexit was like putting a small boy in charge of his father’s favourite watch. “Instead of running smoothly, it has been shaken around, dunked in the water and got clogged up with muck,” he moaned. “You don’t put a piece of fine workmanship in the hands of an irresponsible wrecker.”

The hour is upon us. Stop all the clocks. The timetable has been torn up, the main course has finished and there is no appetite for seconds. We can only conclude with the immortal words of Douglas Adams: Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.

The frenetic occupants of 10 Downing Street have been thrown a much needed lifeline today after a famous psychic offered to end Brexit for them.

“We’re cockahoop,” an aide to embattled lamest of lame ducks prime minister Theresa May told us, “We can just Revoke Article 50 now and say Uri Geller took over what’s left of May’s mind and made her do it.”

The way out must surely be welcome for an executive who bizarrely treated a score draw result in an opinion poll (and maybe not even that close when you factor in all the Leave EU lawbreaking) as an overwhelming mandate to leave the EU in whatever batshit crazy way the ERG MPs demanded May do.

”I’m a little suspicious that this isn’t Uri’s first intervention,” the aide said, “how else do you explain the bloody dementia tax in the manifesto that lost us the 2017 GE and led to May throwing a billion quid bung to those mentalists the DUP, just to stay symbolicly in office?”

But it’s not all roses in the garden at Downing Street after Mr Geller’s mind bending efforts.

”The kitchen staff are well puzzled by the epidemic of bent cutlery,” the aide added, “it’s not just spoons, it’s the whole lot, knives and forks also.”

Asked for comment on the collateral cutlery damage Uri Geller is reported to have shrugged and explained that the sheer amount of energy needed to break through the thick crust of stupidity that has grown on the walls inside 10 Downing Street is the only reasonable explanation. And added, do you want Brexit stopped or not? Go buy yourselves some new spoons and forks.

It seems the people of the UK are willing to try anything to stop the absurdity that is Brexit. Now help has come from a very unexpected source, the crew of the Starship Enterprise.

“Well we actually arrived here – or should I say now – by accident,” Captain Kirk told the assembled reporters. “We were attempting to travel back further to erase Khan Noonien Singh from history. But we arrived here, and we found a number of things happening here in the 21st century don’t match our history books in the 23rd, where humanity has risen above such things. So we’re trying to set history to rights.”

As for how they are going to do this, well, they are being tight-lipped, however it is rumoured that Mr Spock is going to mind-meld with Theresa May to put a bit of logic into her brain. Whether it will be enough to put her on the right track is another matter.

“Human behaviour is highly illogical, especially at this period in history,” Mr Spock explained. “The current leadership in the developed nations has less logic than at any other time we have visited. We are not sure what has happened as yet. A Vulcan mind-meld has its limitations, I can show people the right course to take, but I cannot force them to take it. To quote your human proverb, I can lead a horse to water but not make him drink.”

When someone asked if he would also attempt a mind-meld with Donald Trump, Mr Spock’s features went noticeably pale. “Impossible,” he explained. “I cannot mind-meld with a being that has no mind to meld with.”

And if their plan doesn’t work?

“Well, Scotty’s working on fixing the time circuits to get us back to when we’re going,” Captain Kirk added, “so when we get there we can always try again at an earlier point in time.”

As Captain Kirk and Mr Spock ended their press conference, one of my fellow reporters called out to them, “may the force be with you!” which left them totally confused as they beamed back up to the ship.

We wish the crew of the Enterprise the best of luck in their attempt.

LCD Views knows everyone has a super power and some people even have more than one.

“It was no surprise to us that Will Self has two,” our ‘look into my eyes’ correspondent reveals,

“we know he can put words after words in a super way, we’ve read ‘The Great Apes’, even if we don’t have the vocabulary to praise the book sufficiently, but we didn’t know he also has the super power to place idiots in carbonite freeze with just his gaze.”

The revelation of the second power came earlier this week when Will faced off against ERG blowhard and all round prize turd in a bowl, Mark Francois, live on TV.

”Mark was blatantly and disingenuously trying to misconstrue Will’s words about the likelihood of racists and anti-semites being Brexit voters,” our analyst observed,

“which was a mistake, as Will was still there. Perhaps Mark was unable to see past his sense of unjustified entitlement and exceptionalism to realise?

“Or maybe he was thinking about the German passport he’ll apply for, most likely, so he still has FOM if he is successful in stripping it off millions of his compatriots? It’s hard to say. Either way he was ill advised to say anything while Will was still there, barely two feet away.”

What happened next was the big reveal.

”Will fixed him with his superior gaze, superior based on having a brain, most are superior to the ERG foot soldiers in this way, and then he put him into the freezer,” our analyst adds, “it was quite something to watch. Francois just about managed to put his mug of dickhead juice down before he froze completely. I suspect he’s likely to stay that way. Although it’s unlikely to impact his neurological functions as he doesn’t have anyway.”

Requests for Will Self to meet the rest of the ERG, and their carbon copies on the Labour benches. and save the U.K. are currently underway.

Archaeologists from the Museum of Ancient Technology in Epsom have announced both the discovery, and the naming, of the first human believed to have set themselves on fire.

”We’ve been excavating a cave in Ewell for the last nine digging seasons and we are now certain that among many fascinating discoveries from pre-history is the charred and fossilised bones of the first man to accidentally set himself on fire,” Professor Billions-gone told LCD Views, “we have named the skeleton Grayling Man in honour of the current Secretary of State for Transport. In fact I am actually named after that genius of shifting public money into private coffers too.”

Identification of the circumstances surrounding the demise of ancient humans is often difficult to ascertain, as ancient people were crap at keeping detailed records, but not so in the cave in Ewell.

”The walls were initially heavily coated in the soot of ancient public expenditure scandals, but one day one of my colleagues accidentally head butted a wall after reading a news article about Chris Grayling’s ministerial career,” Professor Billions-gone explained, “the blow to the wall wasn’t sufficient to render her unconscious as hoped, but it was hard enough to crack the crust and reveal cave paintings preserved underneath.”

And it was the paintings that told the story of the blackened bones embedded in the floor of the cave.

”It’s essentially an ancient cartoon of Grayling Man,” The professor said, “he is pictured across a storyboard drawn and painted in ochre and desperation. We see him observing the discovery of fire closely and then almost instanteously catching fire, after ignoring the advice of those nearby. He is able to escape hands of people trying to douse him in mammoth urine and basically runs about setting everything he touches ablaze,

”It appears to be both an easily foreseen and completely avoidable calamity for the tribe. Much like the career of current Frank Spencer of British politics.”

Cripes, only our inscrutable Chinky (What?! Rowan will defend me!) chums would have their New Year in the middle of February! Here goes!

Rat (1924, 1936 etc.): Rats get a bad press. Actually, they are very useful, and with Brexit on the horizon, I predict that Rats will thrive. To the sewers!

Ox (1925, 1937 etc.): Conversely, a bad year for Oxen. You are doomed to be beasts of burden after the petrol runs out, and when you fall down they will eat you. To the slaughterhouse!

Tiger (1926, erm, well you get the idea): Tigers are good economists, and will happily eat uneconomic wasters. Kill or be killed. You’re grrrreat! To the jungle!

Rabbit (work the rest out for yourselves): Run, Rabbit Run! You don’t stand a chance of escaping from the starving masses who are dismayed to find the shelves at Lidl empty. To the burrow!

Dragon (yada yada yada): You are the most natural Brexiters of all. You hoard gold and leave a trail of destruction everywhere. I’m a Dragon, of course. Huzzah! To the Houses of Parliament!

Snake (hips): In the grass, or around the Tree of Knowledge, you are a natural politician. To the Flying Circus!

Horse (voice): Get to work, you boring creature. You are just like the Ox, only with more hair. So yucky that only the French would eat you. To the stable!

Goat (get one): Awkward buggers, probably Remoaners. And your cheese is vile. To the mountains!

Monkey (business): Wise, or not wise? Even an infinite number of you couldn’t come up with my autobiography. To the editing suite!

Rooster (booster): Cock of the walk, the early bird, and voted for Christmas. You’re stuffed. To the table!

Dog (tired): Phew, almost done, so I can trouser another £240,000. Noisy, loyal and obedient, you are the ideal minor parliamentarian. To the backbenches!

Pig (out): Snout in the trough, wallowing in filth, and uniquely tasty. Banned by Jews and Muslims, and typical gammon. To the Question Time audience!

Govey just told me it’s the year of the Flying Pig.

Nuff said. Mega lolzz!!!

Pass the Bolly!

The women who live in Esher and Walton are on a steep learning curve today after their MP Dominic Raab read the cover of a famous book.

“I’m going to tell everyone,” a still shocked Raab told LCD Views, “just as soon as I have a lie down and absorb the information.”

The information he’s talking about was transmitted to Raab this morning when he looked into the window of a book store.

“I was looking for more props to put on a shelf behind me for a photo shoot, I’m the centrefold this month in ‘Thick Conservative Bullies’, and I thought, you know those things that make you look smart, what are they called? They’re made from trees that people have done mark making on? Um. Ah.”

Books?

“That’s it! Wow. I could learn a thing or two from you. But I won’t. Because I’m superior to everyone. Anyway. It was one of those tree things.”

The tree thing concerned was the famous work of Doctor John Gray, ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’, published on News Years Day, 1992.

“I’m a martian?! How could I not know this? Is it because Doctor Grey is a so called ‘grey’ alien? Secretly doing things on Earth without people noticing? Did he wipe my mind years ago? I’ll keep looking for answers and I’m definitely telling everyone I know what I’ve learned, because there’s absolutely no chance they knew it already.”

So that’s Dominic Raab’s to do list for today.

“Yes, telling all the women in my constituency that they are from Venus, just to see their minds blown, and then blowing the men’s minds too.”

Will you stay an MP, now you know you’re an extraterrestrial?

“I doubt it. I’ll probably do what other aliens do.”

And what’s that?

“Mess about with air traffic control systems and shove things up people’s bums.”

Global Britain woke with a start this morning at hearing an international tribunal has ordered the UK to begin trading under not WTO, but WHO rules.

“Who rules the UK? Really?” Doctor Fonzi Monee of the World Health Organisation wants to know, “until such a time as tests clarify where the virus riddling the UK body politic comes from, and how it spreads, then we have to take measures to contain the country.”

As part of the measures the entire country will be placed in a tend inside a secure, isolation room, normally used to contain highly infectious diseases such as Ebola and US style libertarianism.

“The sheer scale and size of the tent needed to cover an entire country, even one as relatively small land mass wise as the UK, is vastly expensive,” Doctor Monee says, “but it’s okay, the European Union is largely picking up the bill, partially out of concern for an irritating old friend in its imperial dotage, but also because the UK is paying for it by transfer of its manufacturing and services base to the EU.”

Further rules will apply during the period of confinement.

“No one will be allowed to physically touch the UK until it either dies or is cured,” Doctor Fonzi says, “although that’s actually measures already being brought into force by the prime minister and her cabinet out of a hope that showing hatred to foreigners will secure the support of a fraction of the electorate.”

But what can be done to cure the UK and allow it to interact normally once again?

The doctor shrugs.

“Physician heal thyself is now country heal thyself,” he advises, “hopefully some seriously strong alcohol and a lot of bed rest can eradicate yersini brexitus from the UK’s political bloodstream, but looking at the feckin’ idiots running both of the main UK political parties and how they keep smearing infected bodily fluids over each other, well, maybe symbolic, political amputation is the only cure.”

LCD Views can report on exciting developments in the field of mutually assured destruction today after the Ministry of Defence announced it has replaced all nuclear payloads on the ageing missile system with something far more now.

“We’ve fitted them with warheads made out of Brexit,” Professor Mince, defence scientist at Cyberdine Systems (MOD contractors) told our Big Bangs! correspondent, “the Brexit payloads are still sourced largely from the US, as with our previous radioactive ones, but that’s just funding now. It’s routed through a series of shell accounts via the Isle of Mann. But don’t worry about all that. This is about promoting and defending our democracy.”

The Professor was also able to confirm that the development of the new missile system had the support of a former foe.

“Yes, the Kremlin helped with the design and implementation too. It really is an international exercise. If the tests of the Brexit warheads prove successful in the field than the yanks will be ditching nuclear payloads too and replacing them with members of the Trump family.”

While Brexit is now the destructive component of choice, the boffins in the missile lab did test a range of alternatives.

“Mostly components of Brexit,” the professor said, “we tried David Davis warheads, but although hard enough to bust a bunker through sheer force of bluster, they always quit halfway through the flight to target. So too the Raab ones. Pretty useless. Rees-mogg payloads just kept getting lost and trying to go via Dublin, which was puzzling. Tim Martin ones wouldn’t get off the launch pad, they just fizzed, spinning in lazy circles spraying out noxious odours. Don’t get me started on the Dorries ones.”

And the best thing about the change?

“Trident now has the full support of the Labour party leadership,” the professor smiled, “because they’ll back anything to do with Brexit, a weapon that ends freedom of movement once and for all. What’s not to like about it for a socialist?”

NASA has revealed that the repeated signals from deep space are actually an advertising slogan being broadcast continually. It appears that a galaxy 1.5 billion light years away is also concerned about mis-sold PPI.

This is in contrast to the theory put forward by SETI, that the message is an instruction to pay for the wall currently being constructed around the Earth.

             You can read this report here.

“We’re gonna build a wall around Earth and Earthlings are gonna pay for it!” space scientists decode deep space radio message

NASA employed an expert to advise on their work. Prof Polly Glott, Professor of Interstellar Linguistic Theory at the University of Great Wittering, was able to crack the meaning behind the signal.

LCD Views’ Out Of This World correspondent managed to speak to Prof Glott over a snack consisting mainly of Mars Bars.

“The signal comes from a galaxy far, far away,” she remarked. “I was intrigued because there was a definite pattern to the signals. The same signal was received over and over again. It’s not the sort of thing that occurs by chance, so I deduced that it was either God, or intelligent lifeforms trying to get in touch.”

Glott discounted the former possibility, since historically God tends to communicate via burning bushes or impregnating virgins rather than sending communications from deep space. Therefore assuming alien intelligence, Prof Glott and her team set about translating the message.

Several theories were assessed. “We considered several likely messages,” continued Glott. “They included ‘Chat shit get banged’, ‘Live long and prosper’ and ‘So long, and thanks for all the fish’. Another was ‘Bollocks, this black hole is totally out of control!’.”

Glott disclosed that there were also suggestions that we were merely picking up the wrath of disappointed Brexiters reverberating throughout the universe.

“Finally we detected the overly jaunty intonation associated with advertising, and it all fell into place,” Glott concluded. “The message was, ‘Call if you have ever had PPI’. We are being spammed from space!”

NASA is intending to reply immediately. However, they do not expect to receive their refund for another 1.5 billion years.