Category: Playing up

The editor of the Daily Mail was rumoured to be in a chair throwing frenzy inside his office this morning after the latest bag of chicken entrails were spread across the floor and read for omens on Brexit.

“We normally just use tea leaves,” a woman purporting to be an aide whispered down the line to LCD’s gutter press analyst, “but with so many economic indicators showing amber to red, well, we brought in one of our heavy hitting fortune tellers.”

It’s believed the fortune teller stirred the chicken guts with ink from the Mail’s printing press over and over but each time it settled in a pattern interpreted as complete and utter screw up.

“That’s normally a good sign. We test our headlines that way. Say we’re running an article on multiculturalism and how it’s failed, we want to see a skull. The same with anything to do with health and safety gone mad, but Brexit…”

Apparently they need sunny uplands or a unicorn dancing, but it refused to show.

“He’s sent for some oxen bowels from the knacker’s yard behind our staff cafeteria. If they don’t give the answer demanded there’s going to be a heated editorial meeting over how soon we start to distance ourselves from the government and start blaming them for failing to make a success of Brexit.”

A suggestion that a total failure to plan for the desired outcome over the years spent campaigning for it was dismissed as naive.

“No one ever wanted to win. The 23rd of June was the day we lost one of greatest sources of revenue. We still haven’t gotten over it.

It’s almost as bad for us as when that measles pandemic struck and we had to stop with the anti-vax articles. Sometimes when you win you actually lose.”

Who would have ever thought of that?

A domestic cat has spoken out today about a recurring nightmare in which he has to work like a dog.

Mr Socks, a seven year old neutered tabby from Wolverhampton, spoke to LCD Views’ moment of light relief correspondent to describe the horror that visits nightly.

“It’s getting to the point where I’m afraid to go to sleep for more than sixteen hours a day,” Mr Socks said.

“It’s normally hour sixteen or seventeen when the nightmare hits.”

Mr Socks goes on to explain that in the dream he suddenly finds himself living the life of the other family pet, Ruff, a five year old Labrador.

“It’s appalling. It’s never ending. Ruff fetch this. Ruff fetch that. Ruff get off the bed. Ruff get off the sofa. How could anyone live like a dog?”

Exacerbating the horror of the dream is the lack of an indoor toilet.

“It’s barbaric. In the dream I no longer have a staffed indoor toilet but have to go outside like an animal.”

We put to Mr Socks that modern domestic cats were descendants of working animals kept as mousers.

“I bet you think the earth is flat too? Don’t you?” Mr Socks scoffed.

“I’ve seen enough television from my maid’s lap to know that in the ancient world cats were revered and ruled as Gods, commanding giant temples and pyramids to be built in their honour.”

So why has he decided to speak out today?

“I want to raise awareness of my condition, embarrassing though it is, and encourage other cats to come forward. Maybe together we can work to find a treatment.”

The other cats said they’ll let him know once they’ve finished another five hour nap.

The worlds of plastic surgery, toupee makers and Botox suppliers were exhilarated to hear two old men have joined together to fight the five visible signs of ageing.

After an unofficial meeting yesterday, which had nothing whatsoever to do with criminal investigations and the mass use of “bots” to influence social media, the best friends stood side by side, to show their commitment to the common cause.

“We won’t stop until no one gets old,” the bottle blonde affirmed during a joint press conference.

“For too long younger generations having grown up fearing baldness, wrinkles, bad breath, loss of muscle mass and a reduction in pleasure during love making. This will not stand any longer. In a series of tweets I will be outlining my good friend’s plans here for how we can achieve our aim.”

It’s not exactly clear why the dynamic duo have decided to prevent people suffering the five signs of ageing, but their energy for the task is clear, even if their motivation is a little murky.

“Good wigs. Botox. Skin lifts. Regular exercise with friends, such as bareback horse riding. Not thinking too much and a diet of nationalist rhetoric are all available to people who fear middle age.”

It’s hoped the commitment, made so publicly, will warm the hearts of millions of young people, and even some older ones, all over the world.

“Let’s just hope that Mueller guy doesn’t break them apart,” one keen observer stated, “I hear he’s so jealous of their friendship it permanently furrows the brow.”

Scandal has gripped the headquarters of the department store John Lewis this afternoon with the shock revelation that Moz has booked himself into The Priory for treatment to cookie addiction.

An insider who claims to work at the famous clinic phoned LCD Views to speak of his dread at the latest celebrity client.

“It’s going to get messy,” Tru Knot told us, “as I’ve heard one of the biggest problems on the set of the advert was the lack of house training prior to luring Moz out of the forest to take the job of monster under the bed.”

It’s believed Moz has succumbed to the pressure of fame and fortune like so many naive instant stars down through the decades.

“Cookie addiction is a tough one to beat. You normally have to prescribe bland crackers of some variety to manage the cravings, but whether or not Moz can resist sneaking out at night and raiding the shelves of an off license is anyone’s guess.”

Complicating matters is believed to be another addiction to the harder substance of Ben and Jerry’s “Cookie Dough” ice cream.

“That stuff really is the crystal meth of cookie substances. It’s incredibly hard to kick the habit. All it takes is one scoop and you’re normally in for the whole tub.”

We are still waiting for an official response from the famous retailer. It’s thought they are swinging between distancing themselves from the scandal and offering to take Moz home.

“I’d lock him in his room. Timber and nails across the door time. Give him a bucket and a pile of tomato soup tins and just force him to go cold turkey. And be ready for the screaming.

And whatever you do, don’t let the Cookie Monster visit him. It’s likely he’s the one who started all this nonsense in the first place.”

Iain Duncan Smith has all the attributes necessary, you would have thought. Heartless, and allegedly part android, his audition was expected to be a shoo-in.

However, the director, Grant Favours, explained that IDS just wouldn’t do. “He lacks the necessary emotion,” Favours elaborated. “No pathos, no empathy. Ironically there was no heart to his performance.”

The first choice Cowardly Lion, Boris Johnson, has also been dropped. Although very little make-up was required, Boris insisted on ad-libbing lines such as ‘We’re off to see the wizard, I mean goodness, that’s no way to describe a fellow, such flummery and flibbertigibbet, I mean, he may be a bit discombobulated, but come on! What do you mean, “Cut!”?’

Dorothy was being played quite adequately, until recently, by Priti Patel. Unfortunately, having tarnished her good-girl image, Patel was deemed unsuitable. Theresa May is hoping to re-audition. “Unfortunately, Theresa is far too wooden,” remarked Favours. “She will retain the part of Dorothy’s house in Kansas.”

By contrast, the role of the scarecrow with no brains had no end of candidates. “The number of straw men auditioning is incredible,” says Favours, “but Jeremy C. Hunt was the outstanding choice.”

Similarly popular was the part of the Wicked Witch of the West. Despite strong opposition from the ghost of Margaret Thatcher, the Witch will actually be played by Andrea Leadsom.

Other parts are more settled. The munchkins will be played by whichever backbenchers can be arsed to turn up. The Wizard of Oz is being played by the personification of Brexit himself, Nigel Farage.

Meanwhile, the man charged with turning vision into reality, David Davis, believes that he is doing a fantastic job. Despite there being no visible progress, Davis insists that the scenery will be completed, the hall booked, and publicity organised, simply by tapping his heels together three times.

The part of Toto is to be taken by Jeremy Corbyn.