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Boris Johnson to instigate “Clap for the Country”

LET’S RATTLE THOSE POTS AND PANS! Didn’t we do well? Boris Johnson’s latest brainchild, Clap for the Country, is arousing clap-scepticism across the nation. 

Everyone has a clap-related opinion. On this particular topic, most tend to agree that Johnson really is a bona fide expert for once. 

“Clap for the Country? Well he would know all about that, wouldn’t he?” said vox popper Anne O’Nimity. “As far as I am concerned, he can forget about it. It won’t help anybody, and it will most likely put extra pressure on the NHS!” 

O’Nimity was typical of most respondents. But other views were aired as well. 

“I’m very much the I’m All Right Jack type,” observed a self-satisfied Jack Ingoff. “I sort myself out, take matters in hand, know what I mean? No clap for me.” 

But there was palpable anger as well. 

“I would love to clap,” countered contrarian Dev El-Sadvocate. “Clap him in chains, that is. Lock him up. Throw away the key. Make sure he doesn’t spread any more of this poison!” 

Clap expert Dr Penny Cyllin was on hand to provide balance and levelling up. 

“Johnson seems to have an insatiable appetite,” stated Dr Cyllin. “Clap for this, clap for that, clap for the other. Clap for everyone. The country has got clap fatigue! What’s it supposed to achieve, anyway?”

Pride. A sense of achievement. Smug guilt. A mysterious itch. 

“The whole business is claptrap,” exclaimed Dr Cyllin. “It’s shameless. It’s selfish. It’s self indulgent fakery. It’s all designed to give you a momentary sense of goodwill. Once a week you get to stand up and thrash about like an idiot for a few minutes, and you spend the rest of the week with a feeling of emptiness. A course of antibiotics should clear it up. Here’s your prescription!”

And that’s the country we now live in. Completely clapped out. 

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Boris Johnson recommends Nicolas Sarkozy for a Knighthood

SO COZY : It’s good to have friends in times of need and Nicolas Sarkozy needs friends today after a French court did a completely bizarre thing for a representative democracy and sentenced him to prison for corruption.

“We were shocked,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “What higher service to your country is there than to do whatever it takes to get things done?”

But it seems the current UK government is not about to let a fellow traveller on the low road fall without a cushion.

“Boris is going to recommend Sarkozy for a knighthood. The Queen signs off on any old rubbish these days, bless her, so there shouldn’t be a problem. While he’s over here for the ceremony he can simply vanish.”

While the sentence has been grabbing headspace the former French president is free to remain at large while he appeals. This could take years.

“He may even get a peerage. If he can get himself a bankrupt factory and churn out a few rubber gloves. He’ll certainly get wealthier anyway. He’s only worth about two million. That’s rubbish. We’re not having it.”

Downing Street is ready too for any critics who say the honour is inappropriate.

“How cheap is our honours system these days? Have you seen who Johnson has put into the Lords! Holy cow! Talk about bargain basement. I wouldn’t sweat it. Besides, it’ll be a good way to wind up Macron. We’ll tell him to force Brussels to give in on fish or Sarkozy will end up a Lord. It can’t fail. Then we will say we’ve formed a protective ring around Nicolas and it’s time to move on.”

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Shock as U.K. Gov pays Mail to publish pro-Brexit propaganda, when they normally do it for free

WE LOVE YOU BORIS : The U.K. government has revealed once again that it sees George Orwell’s famous book “Animal Farm” as a guidebook, and not a warning, with the revelation it is paying “newspapers” to publish pro-Brexit propaganda.

“We’re just building on our successful strategy of paying them to publish articles praising our handling of the viral crisis,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “This is strong and stable government at its finest.”

The upbeat articles are aimed at countering reality which is seen to be “unhelpful” and “a determinedly negative remoaner” by 10 Downing Street.

They feature a host of businesses that are seeing their prospects only get better thanks to Brexit.

“If it wasn’t for Brexit I couldn’t increase my theft of oxygen,” one mouth breather told us. “I used to have trouble waking up in the mornings. But thanks to the ramped up, world beating success of Boris Johnson’s Brexit deal I don’t have that problem at all. I barely sleep a wink anymore,” a more truthful business owner commented.

But not everyone is happy with the use of taxpayers money to fund pro-Brexit propaganda. While it is certain Rishi Sunak must be completely aghast at the immoral squandering of precious public cash, he’s not alone.

“I don’t see why they need to do it. We have our sovereignty back. What else do we need? Everyone can feel the benefits,” one punter commented.

“The real scandal is the act of paying. I’m shocked as the Fail and others normally just do it for free.”

But our source was ready with the justification.

“Not every single person sympathetic to the government received a multi-million pound PPE contract. So this way the public can pay back to the billionaire press barons for all the hard work they’ve put in to manage the narrative.”

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Gavin Williamson to send all schools a Union Jack flag to ensure they’re Covid safe

A TISSUE A TISSUE : England’s green and pleasant lands are bubbling up this week with a contagious mixture of excitement and anticipation ahead of the mass gathering of virus spreaders next week.

The event, known as the “re-opening of schools” is not in any way controversial, given that we all know children need an education to become productive and well rounded adults, just not necessarily an education at Eton.

But given the variance in viral load across England, and the perverse reluctance of the government to use the time available for a mass vaccination of teachers, some are expressing doubts over safety.

“It’s okay, I’m here,” Education Secretary Gavin Williamson is expected to tell school staff and parents later this week. “Not here in the sense of being next to you, as that wouldn’t be safe for me. But I’m here in charge of schools re-opening.”

And Gav not only has a spider and a whip he also has a plan to make every school safe.

“Some of you maybe expecting you’ll return to anxious watching of the local R rate once schools reopen. This is misplaced anxiety. Firstly because as any parent can tell you, kids just do not catch and pass on any cold at all. It just never happens. And also because I’m putting in place a measure to ensure that CV-19 can not actually get into or out of schools.”

And that wonder measure is?

“All schools will be sent a Union Jack flag ahead of re-opening. It will be moved between class rooms so that every time there is a lesson it is there guarding the class and staff. No virus can pass in its presence, except at Heathrow or any other of our international borders where we may, or may not, be operating a system of half baked quarantine.”

Schools will be charged for the flags and display will be compulsory.

“But don’t worry, the flags are of the highest quality, as I’m getting them from one of Matt Hancock’s mates who runs a luxury car valet service.”

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Gold coloured statue of Boris Johnson to stand outside 10 Downing Street

BORIS TRUMP : The United Kingdom’s morale will receive a welcome boost this week after a statue of Boris Johnson is installed permanently outside 10 Downing Street.

The statue will be shorter and even rounder than the gigantic statesman it honours, so as not to obscure the famous “10” on the old black door.

A private design contest was held recently, although not open to public tender, this should not affect the finished product in any way.

10 Downing Street are said to feel confident in the quality of the work as the winner is “a guy who once helped Matt Hancock with a flat bicycle tyre in the late 1980’s, and then went on to run a struggling plastic souvenir factory producing little Big Bens. The paint flakes off them if you hold them for more than ten seconds. Accusations that they are toxic are robustly disputed.”

The company which owns the plastic souvenir factory, listed at Companies House as “Plastic Patriots”, has been saved from recent financial difficulties by the money paid for the Boris statue, which is said to be “millions”.

”The core of the Boris Johnson statue will be the same low-grade but durable, non-biodegradable plastic we use in all of our souvenirs,” a spokesman for Plastic Patriots told LCD Views. “The exterior is coated in 100% iron pyrite, but the feet are made of clay.”

Spectators visiting 10 Downing Street are warned to wear sunglasses as the iron pyrite coating on the hair is “especially reflective, which symbolises the impenetrability of the mind of the man himself.”

A contract to produce miniature souvenirs of the Boris statue is expected to be awarded to the designer at a cost said to be “justifiable given the urgency with which the little false idols are required.”

Rumours that the statue will clap its hands to distract from the “realistic horseshit” it produces “like clockwork whenever the pandemic death toll tops another avoidable peak” are expected to be confirmed.

A spitfire flyover is planned for the unveiling ceremony and will conclude with a “spectacular rendition of God Save The Queen sung by the children of a newly re-opened debtors prison in the East End. We couldn’t have done this if we were still in the EU and we should all fill with a sense of false pride.”

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Fury after White House joins EU in laughing at Boris Johnson

WHAT’S GOT INTO EU : 10 Downing Street is in lockdown mode today and not because serial screw-up Boris Johnson has been caught screwing around.

The reason for the tense and barricaded state is rumoured to be the receipt of an audio file of Joe Biden talking in private about Boris Johnson and Brexit, with Von Der Leyen and others.

“Someone says U.K. trade deal, we’re not sure who, they sounded French. Biden says pork products and chuckles. Then another voice, American we think, or perhaps a European who learnt English at an American school, says Global Britain and cheese. More laughter, louder this time. Next someone throws in ‘We’re gonna build a wall and Brussels is gonna pay for it’ and they’re off. The rest of the file is just people laughing and the file is an hour long. The only time they stop laughing is when Boris Johnson actually attempts to phone up. Biden says it’s the tenth time that day and they all sit in silence and listen to the phone, until it stops ringing.”

How Downing Street will respond isn’t yet clear, although ERG douche Andrew Bridgen has suggested he will hold his breath until he faints, as they’ll be so sorry then.

“Johnson is said to have set up a special unit to work up jokes about Biden and Barnier, but the problem appears to be that the jokes are all on Britain these days.”

We’re sure it will soon blow over, like Johnson’s combover. After all, just like the EU, the USA needs us more than we need them.

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Boris Johnson to lead a “Clap for Brexit” 8pm Sunday night

WHAT’S THE SOUND OF ONE DOUCHEBAG CLAPPING : THE UK’S FIERCELESS VIRUS BREEDER BORIS JOHNSON IS TO TURN HIS ATTENTION BACK TO HIS OTHER GREAT AND DISEASED PROJECT, BREXIT, SUNDAY NIGHT.

“Boris, or Al to his friends, so not you, is going to lead a clap for Brexit because it needs all the help it can get,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, on the condition we didn’t tell you.

It seems the element of surprise will be key to make a success of the Clap for Brexit.

“Some said he should launch a campaign to give everyone the clap for Brexit, but his current squeeze didn’t seem to keen, as it would mean he would have to go out and get the clap first. And she didn’t see that in the small print when she signed the contract for the gig! Mind you, he may still do that in his spare time. Who knows! Just Boris being Boris! So funny. Why not make a serial arsehat prime minister? I mean, what could go wrong?”

The clap will be a national event and you are encouraged to go and stand on that well trodden doorstep of yours again at 8pm and clap like you’ve never clapped before.

“The hope is that Brussels will hear the clap if everyone synchronises and mashes their palms together for Brexit at 8pm, and then immediately mashes their face into the nearest brick wall. Which will be Brexit in interpretive dance. Classic.”

Clap for Brexit tomorrow night, because if you don’t, who will?

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Patriotic Brits told to adopt a herring to save the fishing industry

SMOKE ME A KIPPER, I’LL BE BACK FOR BREAKFAST: There’s something distinctly fishy going on. Patriotic Brits are being asked not just to eat more British Fish, but to adopt them as pets.

Every man, woman and child is to present themselves at a bosky fishing village, to collect their very own herring, wrapped in a Union Jack. The fish are to be taken home, and cherished as a memento of the industry Brexit has done so much to destroy.

The programme is to be called “Herring Aid”.

Up and down the length of the country, you will see people out, walking their herring. You can train them to fetch sticks, catch mice, and say “sausages”.

The herring will accompany children as they go about their education. They will serve as a very present reminder that English Fish must be celebrated at all times. In order for the children to concentrate on their lessons, without being distracted, the fish will be put into schools of herring.

Some of the more observant readers may have spotted a small technical detail. Herring live in the sea, and not many of us have a surrogate ocean at home. Government officials advise either smoking the poor fish, or pickling them in vinegar. It is then your patriotic duty to obtain a replacement. 

Smoking fish is easy. You hang them up in your kitchen, light a fire, and wait. Your house may burn down, but home smoked kippers are delicious. 

It’s a pretty good metaphor for Brexit. 

These frequent trips to the coast to replace dead herring have been deemed essential. There is nothing more important during a pandemic than propping up the fishing industry. 

And if the fishing industry goes down the pan, then obviously you weren’t patriotic enough. The whole adopt a fish idea is a red herring. 

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Priti Patel to strip British citizenship from everyone and decide who she wants to let back in

FORTRESS DOMINATRIX : The United Kingdom’s Home Secretary doesn’t like people having homes very much, especially not people who have fled war zones and other calamities.

“The only way we’re going to make Britain Great Again, now we have left the failing, protectionist, corporate interest club of the EU is to ensure we have the right people on our green and pleasant land,” an aide to the Home Secretary told LCD Views. “And as few of them as possible. This is why we had to take back control of our borders, except in pandemics, clearly.”

And the only way we will make sure we have as few people as possible in our country is if someone decides who gets to stay and who goes.

“Root and branch,” the aide clarifies. “Throw everyone out and then have someone judge who gets back in and who, after a suitable probation, gets their citizenship back. The hallowed Blue Passport!”

Priti Patel is the one for this job, clearly.

“It’s actually going to be a boom for our car industry. Just imagine how many security vans we will need to round up 68m people, minus one. That one being Priti Patel. The darling of the Tories. And well deserved too. Not many can come back from being fired for running your own foreign policy agenda! Thanks Boris! Gosh. In earlier times she would have been thrown out of politics for that.”

Clearly to gain re-admittance you’re going to need a crystal clear social media history.

“The next time you see a BoRiS bot festival on social media I advise you to jump right in at the deep end. But don’t forget to praise Priti too, as she’ll be watching you…”

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After Boris Johnson says “midlife crisis” made him enter politics Gove says “Satan made me do it”

A SPECIAL PLACE IN HELL : The United Kingdom’s last prime minister, Boris Johnson, has revealed the beginnings of a midlife crisis made him enter politics.

Some would say that as he was already expressing that by infidelity with younger blondes, maybe he could just have bought a sports car and saved us all a lot of trouble?

But while Boris Johnson is likely to win a “No Shit Sherlock” award for his revelation, people are asking what was the motivation for his partner in crime, Michael Gove?

“It’s quite straightforward actually, like everything about me,” Michael Gove told LCD Views over Zoom.

For the interview Mr Gove choose a backdrop of a medieval torture dungeon and a soundtrack we couldn’t recognise, but was later understood to be a bag of Saint Bernard puppies being thrown into a fire. Again and again.

“One morning I was trying to work out how I could inflict the most suffering on my fellow man and I settled on politics. Although I would be lying if I was breathing. I mean, if I didn’t admit I received an offer too good to refuse.”

We inquired if he had a detailed plan when he made the decision? And who made the irresistible offer?

“Not really a plan as such, but with an overarching aim of causing pain that wasn’t necessary. The devil made the decision for me. He made me do it. He visited me in a come down fever dream after a particularly ebullient night with the Bullingdon Club and offered me total power on three conditions.”

And what were they?

“I had to work for his earthly incarnation Rupert Murdoch. I had to pledge to inflict maximum damage on the truth. And finally, I had to give him my immortal soul.”

Your soul? Isn’t that a bit steep?

“Not really. My soul is impressively cheap.”