Posted on

No country is an island, says Grant Shapps

CONTINENTAL DRIFT: Or when is an island not an island? Geographically challenged charlatan Grant Shapps has weighed in, incontinently. 

You can’t compare like and like. Comparisons between comparable companions are incompatible. Contrary contrarians are confused. 

This is the latest attempt to deflect cantankerous covid criticism. The logic is world beating. The UK couldn’t close its borders like Australia did, because it isn’t as big. 

Size clearly matters. Shapps insists you can’t do the same things with a small one as you can with a large one. You can’t use the same protection on a little one, one size doesn’t fit all. 

It’s indicative of how far we have fallen, that a man is going onto TV to insist that he has a little one, which is why he refused to do the deed. Little man Shapps refused to put the dick into indicative.

This limp response to a colossal cock up is the main reason that the country has been shafted by covid. No protective ring, no arms wrapped around the country, no forming a square. Now they send out nonentities like Shapps to argue over semantics. 

Australia’s antipodean neighbour, New Zealand, has also performed admirably to close its borders and keep covid out. NZ might be a better comparison size wise, which is presumably why Shapps omitted to mention it. 

It’s very odd that a government, which boasts about ending free movement of people and controlling borders, then fails to do either. 

“We’re all in it together,” Shapps said, desperately failing to gather some crumbs of reason from his disastrous statement. “No country is an island, not Australia, not England. Australia is simply too big, and England has some other countries joined on around the edges. Nobody could have foreseen this, except the foreigners, and anyway Brexit will cure covid. Fact!” 

Now that’s good news. Someone tell Dido Harding to return that £22bn now it’s no longer necessary. 

Posted on

Michael Gove says U.K. will use its “veto” over EU laws on trade

GETTING A GOVE ON : The UK’s prime minister in waiting, Michael Gove, has fired a shot across the bowels of the EU.

The decision to get hot and heavy has not been influenced by narcotics, unless you include heavy hits of denial of reality.

“Michael thinks it’s high time the U.K. flexed it’s muscles in Europe,” a spokesman for an international pharmaceutical importer told LCD Views. “That’s why he’s threatening to use the UK’s veto over EU laws and decision making.”

Critics have been quick to point out that the U.K. threw away its powerful veto card along with its fishing industry, international reputation and collective bargaining power when it got Brexit done, but that’s no obstacle to Gove.

“So? Gove governs the U.K. successfully by gaslight. That’s nearly 70m people. I think he can handle the few dozen that make up the EU commission.”

The strategy it seems is to pretend the U.K. still has its seat at the EU’s decision making table. If we show enough self-belief they’ll just fall into line.

“We’re demanding the EU not treat us like a third country, even though we demanded the EU make us a third country. So to now waltz into Brussels and act like we still hold the power of a first country, because we’re British, will see them so confused they’ll agree to anything. Classic Gove. Don’t let your enemy believe any words or actions have any meanings, especially not the meaning you yourself previously applied to them. Just keep their heads spinning.”

It’s believed the strategy will quickly solve the customs border issues in Northern Ireland, without the ridiculous necessity of the U.K. government taking responsibility for its own decisions.

“Remember, once we leave the EU we hold all the cards. And that includes our veto over their decisions.”

Posted on

Downing Street says new coal mine in Wales will be named after Britain’s greatest prime minister

WHERE THERE IS RANCOUR LET US SOW DISCORD : The United Kingdom’s last prime minister, Boris Johnson, has now and then been accused of being selfish, but he’s hitting back at that.

The government’s country beating levelling up agenda is just the opportunity Mr Johnson has been looking for to show the various components of the country what he thinks of them. The decision to open a new coal mine in North Wales is ripe for exploitation.

“He’s going to share Maggie with the Welsh,” a 10 Downing Street genius told LCD Views. “The decision to green light a new coal mine not only sends a signal to the world how serious the Tories are about fighting climate change, it is also a symbolic opportunity too good to miss.”

The chance the old chancer is taking is to name the mine after a modern, historical figure secure in the minds and feelings of the people of Wales.

“The Margaret Thatcher memorial coal mine will dig deep into the feelings of the people of Cymru,” the source advises. “Every time they pass by the mine they’ll see her name and know exactly what Mr Johnson thinks of them.”

And the opening of the mine will not be wasted either.

“The woman who normally plays Carrie for doorstep claps is currently retraining to impersonate Mrs Thatcher. It’s her greatest acting challenge since playing Melania Trump.”

The idea is thought to have been cooked up by Mr Johnson’s new unit focused on keeping the United Kingdom together, by expressions of our shared values.

A statue of Mrs Thatcher will also be erected outside the mine’s entrance so all those employed there know exactly what is waiting for them deep under the ground.

Posted on

Dido Harding to write weekly horoscope column for The Daily Mail

HORRORSCOPING : NO ONE COULD HAVE PREDICTED the pivotal role former jockey Dido Harding would play in the pandemic, no one except for the farseeing board member of Cheltenham race course herself.

Lesser mortals fumbled about early on as the plague began to tear through the land, but Dido looked ahead, eyes on the prize, and got The Cheltenham Festival done. Which, given the way the mutant strain was already ripping the social fabric to shreds on the continent was a feat of magic.

And she only went from strength to strength after that. As fools considered engaging public health officials with years of experience in tracking and tracing infectious diseases to run the UK’s track and trace system, Dido was already furlongs in front of the pack, the trophy in her hands.

You need to be quite the visionary to dispense so many billions of public cash so fast, but Dido was able to allocate every last penny with a steadiness that bordered on clairvoyance.

But she wasn’t done then, the race was still on, and with a nimbleness that brings to mind psychic powers, she landed one of the top jobs protecting the nation’s health.

“You have to have second sight,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Just consider the situation. This is a country heaving with health experts. Virologists. Epidemiologists. And so on. But Dido outfoxed every single one to seize the top public health jobs during the pandemic. It’s like a kind of magic. And look at the results!”

And it’s believed that it’s this reputation for wizardry that Dido is leaning on in her next career move.

“From next week she will be writing a weekly horoscope column for The Daily Mail. She’s clearly got a direct line to the underworld, just look at the state of the U.K., she can phone up the dead and get a forecast of what will happen tomorrow and it will all go into print. Pisces – you will be contacted with terrible news when it’s too late to do anything about it. Taurus – you’ll need to watch yourself in the poorly socially distanced check out line. Aquarius – Take control of your waters before the IV line. It will go like this and help everyone.”

Dido Harding, a career that’s mutated more than a cold virus that is only here because it mutated in the first place. And no one could have predicted that.

Posted on

Survey reveals Brits believe French hate French wine because “the bottles don’t have French flags on them”

MERCI : A SURVEY OF BRITISH SHOPPERS HAS REVEALED A TOTALLY EXPECTED RESULT, REGARDING THE ATTITUDES OF THE FRENCH.

Experts in consumer attitudes and brand trends, Mastadon, were commissioned to undertake a broad ranging study of consumer attitudes within the UK and made some surprising discoveries about our continental friends and allies.

“We asked thousands of shoppers what they felt about the new packaging for British groceries, post Brexit,” Sabr Tooth, CEO of Mastadon told LCD Views. “I had already guessed what the results would be, when I was designing the survey questions. I wasn’t disappointed.”

It’s believed British shoppers felt that anything plastered with a Union Jack on it must taste better.

“People feel a hitherto unknown source of nationalist sentiment when choosing a carton of eggs that is covered in the Union Jack 100%. If you don’t have trouble working out what the product is now, because of all the flags, than the product must be rubbish and the person selling it to you should probably go to a re-education camp where the Commandant is Widdecombe for Fuhrage.”

But what about the French?

“What about the French indeed. It’s clear they can do with taking a few pointers from the English, as we embark on our new and bold patriotic destiny as leaders of the Pacific region.”

The telling moment was a question asked specifically about that most famous of French exports, wine.

“We showed English shoppers several images of wine from French regions and asked what they thought about the bottles? And importantly, what they thought the French thought about themselves, as expressed in the packaging. The lack of French flags was damning. It would be impossible to tell where the wine was produced because the labels are just not patriotic.”

And the findings are important for the trading future of the British empire.

“We will now advise Kent wine makers to plaster their bottles in Union Jacks. That’ll stuff Macron. We’ll be the leading exporter of English sparkling wine in no time.”

Posted on

Downing Street orders National Gallery to add a Union Jack to all Turner paintings

MADE IN BRITAIN : The days of art critics and historians putting people to sleep waxing lyrical over the quality of light to be found in Turner paintings are mercifully to end.

Just as we’ve seen giant supermarket chains slap the Union Jack on everything from eggs to Union Jacks, it’s felt that the art world has been more than a little tardy in ramping up the nationalism.

To this end the special “Union Project” set up by Downing Street is taking matters into its own hands and forcing the art world to come into the 21st Century.

“By use of the sovereign powers granted to the executive in 10 Downing Street but what is still laughably called a parliament, we will now make great British art patriotic,” a source inside Downing Street told LCD Views.

The actual Union Jack image to be used is also stipulated and must “block out all other content. Wall to wall flags, that’s what we need to say to the world that we’re British and we’re secure within ourselves.”

The work to update the paintings is to commence immediately, and it’s understood Dido Harding has been employed to track and trace down all British masterpieces.

“Turner is getting the treatment first. Because he deserves it,” the source adds.

Now when you look at a painting in the National Gallery you will know it is British and you will feel safe inside.

“A special military march is also being commissioned that will involve some vigorous leg lifts and stiff armed salutes. Elgar will also now have to played over all baby monitors in England, 24/7, to ensure that the upcoming generation of British babies know they are British.”

If we don’t wave our flag. If we don’t plaster it over everything possible, people will forget we’re here. Is it from the land of hope and glory? Does it have a flag on it? Let’s be sure.

Posted on

Andrew Neil says all those watching his “news” channel will have to wear the same uniform

FASH-IONABLE CONTENT : UK GRANDDADDY OF BROADCASTING, ANDY, is to relaunch his career after the BBC bizarrely canned it.

Although, already few can remember what the show he used to present for the Beeb was called, all can remember his unsheathed opinions were given freely, in between the occasional journalism.

That may now all be as extinct as the Dodo, but not punchy Andy! He’s still a tour de force. You just have to look at his Twitter account to know that. Well, you look, we’ve blocked it. But in a show of double standards befitting modern UK journalism, it won’t stop us opining on the subject.

It’s not entirely sure what will feature on the new show, although there is a stellar cast of rent-a-far-right-gobshites lined up to appear already, so you can guarantee it will never undermine the strength of the British knee.

And the strength of the British knee is sure to feature heavily, as an insider has suggested that no less luminary a figure than Sir Roderick Spode will have a weekly feature to discuss just that.

“Alongside the importance of British manufactured bicycles. And homegrown British turnips.”

And even before the launch of GB News Andy is setting out who stall, and surprisingly limiting who can watch it.

“This is because all of the those watching will have to wear the same uniform,” our source says, “and have the same salute.”

What badges, epaulettes and button designs the uniforms will carry is under wraps. This means you’re welcome to imagine it for yourself.

The one thing that is clear, from Andy’s dictate over who can watch, is that he will carry the torch for free speech in Brexitannia, and there will be no cancel culture, unless he disagrees with anything you’ve said.

Posted on

1 in 60 adults has had the jab, which is more than half, says Priti Patel

MAKING UP THE NUMBERS: Cabinet makeweight Matt Hancock announced the figures today. Cabinet welterweight Priti Patel interpreted them, as only she can.

“One in sixty, that’s good odds,” Patel began promisingly. “When they get the second jab it will be one in twelvety, which is twice as many numbers gettin’ shot, I mean gettin’ a shot.”

Patel was only just gettin’ warmed up.

“The government is always lookin’ at the odds, and the evens, and the other difficult numbers in between,” she said. “Roundin’ down and rampin’ up the numbers, so as you see we are winnin’ the war on the virus, its days are numbered, we are more than half way to jabbin’ the people this evenin’, jabbin’, jabbin’, jabbin, then a swift right hook and they are out for the count.”

One nervous correspondent raised a timorous hand to ask a question.

“You dare to question ME?” roared Patel. “Off with her head!”

With that, she stormed out of the briefin’ room, heels clatterin’ angrily.

LCD Views’ Damned Lies correspondent, Stan de Deviation, had a look at the figures to discern how much of the truth Patel had unwittin’ly revealed.

“One in sixty adults looks about right,” he said cautiously. “Although these are still government statistics after all. As for the rest, well I think Patel is talking out of her arse. You know the phrase, chat shit get banged? If there were any integrity in this government, she would be looking at a knock-out punch and a spell on the sidelines.”

However there isn’t any integrity in this government, so far from bein’ on the ropes, Patel is struttin’ about on the canvas, with an iron fist inside her iron gloves, and any opponent is dispatched before they can climb into the ring. It’s called levellin’ up.

Are we half way there? Or just livin’ on a prayer?

Posted on

UK struggling to strike trade deals despite Liz Truss being in charge

NOT TO BE TRUSSTED: There’s a mystery in UK trade circles. International trade deals are simply not magically falling into the country’s lap. This is contrary to standard Brexit doctrine, and is not to be tolerated.

This is also despite world beating negotiator Liz Truss being in charge. Truss brings an indefatigable energy and competence to the job. Many have compared her favourably to the great Chris Grayling mistakenly ordering pizza for a hedgehog.

Brexit is an outstanding success, goes the government line. Therefore, the trade deals Truss managed to salvage are an outstanding success. Therefore Truss is an… well, you get the picture. No amount of reality is going to dent this cheerful belief if only one contrived narrative can be constructed.

So, now that the UK has comprehensively trashed, I mean, enhanced, its international reputation, you can trust Truss to be our Trump card. She will bring the bigliest, the bestest trade deals, none bester.

Truss is on the verge of asking to join the powerful Pacific Islands Partnership. The UK is a natural addition to the group, being just the other side of the planet. She eagerly anticipates trade deals with Tonga, the Solomon Islands, and Bikini Atoll.

“It will be free trade, not expensive trade,” announced Truss, smugly revelling in the fact that she had learned what ‘free trade’ meant. “We will have all the coconuts we can eat! And the strontium-90 does give one a good healthy glow!” 

Strontium-90, caesium-137, catch-22. No wonder we got the coconuts so cheap. 

“And it’s all tariff free! Nothing to pay there either!” Truss burbled on, exuding confidence from every greasy pore. “We will send a flotilla any day now!” 

And the radioactive coconuts won’t be Trussed up in red tape? 

“Ha ha! I see what you did there!” she giggled. “No, they will be packed in boxes, not tied up.” 

The future’s bright. Or at least, glows in the dark. 

Posted on

Liz Truss applies to join the CCCP

TOTAL TRUSST : The UK’s trade envoy to the stars, Liz Truss, has taken some flack since taking on her purely symbolic role of providing thin gruel for the tabloids to exaggerate, but not today.

Later this morning the U.K. government’s favourite imaginary minister is to tell the Milky Way of her latest coup at a make believe press conference that will be as real as photos of her staged phone calls.

“Last week I met with representatives of the CCCP trade association,” Ms Truss will beam, “and the only thing I wore was a Union Jack!”

And it seems the choice of patriotic fabric was a smart move indeed, as the CCCP also love their flags.

“Comrade Brexitnev said he couldn’t believe how easy it has been to convince the United Kingdom to leave the largest trade bloc right on our doorstep and travel back in time to him. But he said every rouble, dollar, pound and euro spent funding Tory Party MPs had been money well spent, and more than paid for themselves with the returns.”

But unlike the UK’s now defunct membership of the EU, there will be no referendum for the public to say yay or nay over the proposed union of two totalitarian, trade super blocs. The people are spared the overbearing responsibility of a vote this time.

“Initially the great British public won’t notice too much difference,” Ms Truss advised. “But once the choice in the shops reduces and clear open spaces open up on shelves, and diplomatic spats with neighbours that would otherwise never have occurred begin, you’ll know we’re headed only one way.”

Special commemorative coins will be issued announcing the new arrangements and camps built for dissenters.

“Great leader Boris Johnsonov is also to give a speech and exalt the achievements of the fatherland,” Ms Truss added. “A balcony is being attached to 10 Downing Street as we speak and he will wave benevolently as the military parades by.”

It should also be noted that if Mr Johnsonov vanishes for days he’s just drunk, like so many of the strongmen who went before him.

“The new super pact just goes to show that if you believe in something hard enough, than it’s true,” Liz finished. “Just like my job!”