Posted on

Boris Johnson to enter European talks dressed as a meat patty in a bun – Ich bin ein hamburger

MEAT AND GREET: Boris Johnson is to go on a charm offensive in Europe. To curry favour, he will raid his dressing up box, and dress up as a Big Mac. A large fries will be included as French dressing.

The 10 Downing Street costume department, which is to receive an upgrade thanks to charitable Tory donors, discussed other options. One idea that held sway for a while was to dress as a German sausage, with the tagline “Do your wurst!”. In the end, it didn’t quite cut the mustard.

So the hamburger option was preferred. But not a cheeseburger, as that would have been just too cheesy.

Mayonnaise was preferred to ketchup, which was considered a bit too saucy.

A large serving of coke was also included. Rumour suggests that Michael Gove will be accompanying the Prime fillet beef Minister on this occasion.

Johnson is expected to leave his official aeroplane in full regalia. He will wave the fries in the air, carefully remove the unwanted gherkin, and announce “Ich bin ein hamburger!” That will give Johnny European food for thought.

There will be much to get their teeth into. Bread and butter talks on regulations, mitigating the worst effects of Brexit, how not to breach an international treaty etc. will take place, while Johnson amuses himself by throwing bread rolls at everyone.

Brexit is a dog’s dinner, and Johnson knows it. Trouble is, the only way he knows to operate is to act the gooseberry fool. This is no trifling matter, and the reality is likely to be begging for crumbs off the table.

His Big Mac act will butter no parsnips. Although superficially attractive, it is insubstantial and fatty, and leaves behind a nasty taste in the mouth. And that’s even after discarding the gherkin.

Johnson is toast. He really takes the biscuit.

Posted on

Sunak records Rick Astley cover album in bid to replace Johnson as UK’s heart throb

TOGETHER FOREVER : The UK’s one man political boy band, Rishi Sunak, is set to step it up a gear in his blatant attempt to woo the affections of British voters away from the mad haired, fat, old, clueless slob currently doing his Elvis at Vegas impression inside 10 Downing Street.

And Sunak’s steps will be synchronised with himself all alone as he enters the recording studio to lay down an album of Rick Astley covers! We begged a few moments of the Chancellor’s time to find out more.

Q : “Thank you for agreeing to see us Chancellor, or should I say prime minister?”

A : “Still just Chancellor for now. But call again next week and you never know.”

Sunak flashed us one of his trademark smiles and we swooned.

Q : “Let’s get right into the heavy stuff. No, I don’t mean whether or not Eat Out to Help Out led to the early demise of people from a case of the sniffles.”

We both laughed. Oh, how we laughed, yesterday’s travails already forgot.

A : “Phew! You had me going there for a moment. Between you and me I sleep really well at night. All tucked up not thinking about Brexit or colds. Just dreaming of the moment I have my people tear out all that tacky stuff Princess Nut Nuts has jammed into the PM’s flat and replace it with pictures of me.”

Q : “And the album of Rick Astley covers is part of your push to replace Boris?”

Another winning smile!

A : “How did you guess? But seriously, Rock Astle’s songs have always been close to my heart. Never Going To Give You A Respectable Pay Rise In Spite Of Hundreds Of You Dying is my gift to the NHS.”

Together Forever? I don’t think you can say that about Johnson and Sunak.

Posted on

Boris Johnson to erect a statue of Mel Gibson in Scotland to strengthen Union

DEADHEART : The UK’s last prime minister, Boris Johnson, is to attend an unveiling ceremony later this month in Scotland.

The reason for the special trip north is not solely to dress in hi-vis gear (although it’s guaranteed there will be some at some stage), nor to pose as a scientist, or to interrupt an entire day’s vaccination efforts at a vaccination centre. This time it’s a statue.

“He’s going to dress as Edward I for the ceremony,“ a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “That’ll please the Unionists and get the SNP on side. After the ceremony he’ll do a costume change and put on a special Union Jack kilt he’s had made just for the day. That’s where the hi-vis comes in and the kilt is fluorescent.”

But what statue could possibly cause the PM to take time out of his busy schedule of not governing the country? Burbs? Bruce? Some other chap with a surname starting with B?

“He’s paid millions to have a statue of the famous Scottish independence leader Mel Gibson cast in tin foil. Mel really stuck it to the rightful English rulers of Scotland back in the days when they were mostly still French. Mr Johnson thinks this will promote unity by exploring the deep and enduring legacy between our two countries. Also by reminding the Scots how much shared history we have giving it to the French. The statue is going to be erected in Stirling, no one really knows why.”

A special screening of a documentary about Mel Gibson’s life called ‘Braveheart’ will take place after the statue is erected, although the prime minister is expected to have drunk himself into a stupor by then.

Posted on

British Overseas Aid to be replaced with just Union Jack flags sent to needy countries

WRAP UP GOOD AND WARM IN IT : The UK’s prime minister is a famous humanitarian and with the latest budget from his government comes heartwarming measures for the world’s neediest.

While some commentators have been distracted by trifling concerns such as a halving of the aid budget to Yemen, while arms sales to Saudi Arabia go from strength to strength, so they can drop them on Yemen, sharp eyed reporters have noticed a benevolent step forwards.

“We can confirm that funding for Union Jack flag purchases has been increased to £350m per week,” a treasury source told LCD Views. “We’re a little miffed it didn’t get more coverage. People get bogged down in poverty wages for nurses and miss the important stuff.”

The funding is especially directed, as with the flag purchases, to benefit some of the world’s poorest and most troubled.

“It was actually a brainwave of Priti Patel’s. Which is not something that is often said. Ha!”

It seems the thinking is that one way to stop all these desperate people risking their lives to escape danger and make it to the sanctuary of a disused army barracks in Kent is to send them something British.

“If they have a British flag at home then they can wrap up nice and warm in it and they won’t need to come here and upset Nigel Farage. He’s busy enough as it is trying to save the fishing industry, which apparently he helped wreck. It’s really a stroke of genius by the Home Secretary. We should be thanked for it.”

Posted on

Biden appoints cabinet minister solely tasked with phoning 10 Downing Street daily about Johnson’s latest threat to GFA

IT’S GOOD TO TALK : The new President of the United States, Joe Biden, has a lot on his plate. He’s four years of Donald Trump to repair, and also attempt to tackle the reasons why Donald Trump happened in the first place. His life would be somewhat simpler if he didn’t also have to spare a thought for Britain Trump.

To streamline things it is rumoured he is about to appoint a special, and new, member to his cabinet solely tasked with focusing on Boris Johnson and the disaster of his premiership.

“The President has enough domestic issues and ongoing international crises without having to constantly pick up the phone to deal with that overgrown toddler in 10 Downing Street,” a source inside the White House told LCD Views. “So he’s given someone the task of dedicating themselves to it. Otherwise he risks spending almost as much time on the phone to Johnson as Trump did at golf.”

For his part the British Prime Minister is said to be really happy at the decision, because it means he’s actually been noticed.

“This shows the special relationship is as strong as its been since Churchill and whoever was the president of the United States then,” a 10 Downing Street source commented. “As close as when George Dubya gave Tony ‘T-Bone’ Blair a bomber jacket and turned his head so completely he agreed to invade Iraq on spurious evidence. We’re really thrilled. Boris is just sat next to his phone waiting for it to call.”

And waiting for the newest Biden appointee to phone will have other benefits.

“The PM is having his head done in by his girlfriend’s attempts to buy Russian flag wallpaper for the 11 Downing Street flat. At least now he can pretend he’s working whenever she tries to drag him into all that.”

Posted on

Brexiter MPs slam Remainers for not pointing out strongly enough the dangers of Brexit

IF YOU’D ONLY SAID SOMETHING : A powerful group of Conservative MPs have slammed the now defunct Remain movement for not sufficiently warning about the dangers of Brexit.

The move comes as the harm caused by the United Kingdom’s decision to leave the EU grows daily and it is feared will soon swamp the UK’s system of government.

“If only they’d taken the time to point out why jumping headfirst into an industrial sized woodchipper was a bad idea,” Cumblefookwit Sythe-Pinchmore, MP for Himself, told LCD Views. “Nothing. Zilch. All they did was go for a few weekend walks and wave flags about. I didn’t hear anything about the blindingly obvious consequences of jumping into a pool of hungry sharks holding a steak. Did you?”

What the Remain movement will make of the condemnation isn’t entirely clear, with both main English political parties still justifying Brexit as a concept.

“We should raise a special remainer tax so the people whose responsibility it was to point out that sticking your head into a live wasps nest while singing Elgar was a bad idea can pay for Brexit. I’ll be drafting a private member’s bill to this end, just as soon as I can get my hands on some crayons and butcher’s paper.”

Other Conservative MPs are being more proactive, however, with the ERG once again morphing into a new parliamentary grouping. It will continue to be focused on “research”, which hitherto doesn’t seem to have produced anything but a bit of a grift on the public purse for no intelligence.

“The BRG will be different,” an ERG/BRG spokesman reassured. “The Blame Research Group will be highly motivated to solving the looming difficulty of how to blame other people for the downsides of our political project. Especially how to blame exactly the people who said don’t do it.”

Posted on

US and EU to impose economic sanctions on rogue state targeting “economic interests of regime leader”

NORTH SEA NORTH KOREA : BREAKING NEWS today that is certain to invoke outrage and condemnation from the UK’s English nationalist government with the announcement of joint US-EU economic sanctions on the United Kingdom.

The decision to impose sanctions comes after a turbulent year in which the UK’s so called government continued to wage war against international laws and rules, as if failing to notice that their fellow traveller Donald Trump lost (currently on bail awaiting trial).

“Biden has had enough,” a spokesman for the EU said via an interpreter. “He used his most recent round table with the EU27 heads to suggest the sanctions so he can finally have a day that is not interrupted by having to phone 10 Downing Street to remind them of their obligations to the GFA. The EU was happy to go along with it, for exactly the same reasons.”

It’s not clear if the imposition of sanctions usually reserved for the likes of Iran, North Korea and Russia will shift behaviour in 10 Downing Street though.

“Boris Johnson’s regime is like an unloved child on the world stage. One with a retarded development that hasn’t realised if it wants to be accepted by the other kids it’s needs to stop acting horribly, just to get attention, and think about how to get along, so people actually want to spend time with it. We are certain the sanctions will be used for domestic politics. Britain alone against the world and all that, but we’re just fed up.”

There are concerns the sanctions will just hurt ordinary Britons though, who have enough trouble dealing with a Home Secretary busily trying to incarcerate the lot.

“The sanctions will be targeted just to the regime leader and his allies. There maybe some disruption to day to day life from the restriction of exports of hi-vis vests and scientist costumes into the UK, but I’m afraid the people have a responsibility too to stop supporting this corrupt and out of control autocracy.”

More on this as it develops…

Posted on

Rishi Sunak announces an extra 350m claps per week for the NHS

APPLAUSE NOT REDEEMABLE AS MONEY : Great news for tired NHS workers in the budget today after Rishi “Dazzles” Sunak lobbed them some much needed additional resources in his budget.

“Handwringing snowflake commies bang on about how nurses and doctors and porters and all the other boring people should be paid more, but inheritance millionaires know from experience that money can only buy you so much happiness,” an Exchequer insider told LCD Views.

“Rishi has looked after all front line, midfield and defensive NHS staff in his budget by way of an additional 350m per week.”

But before anyone starts to worry that Sunak has lost the plot it’s important to understand what currency the additional 350m is.

“It’s applause. He’s purchased a secondhand studio audience recording of people clapping and will personally deliver the tape to a hospital of his choice. They will get to play the tape over their tannoy until a timer registers 350m claps. Then he will turn up, photographers in tow clearly, possibly wearing a hoodie, and take the tape to deliver to the next hospital.”

Clearly the applause will be more than welcome and can be used by the overstretched and exhausted staff to pay their rent and other bills.

“The NHS staff have been risking their lives over the last year and to give them a pay rise now would just be insulting. It would cheapen their sacrifices by associating them with money. But applause? You can bank that in your feelings.”

There is also a cherry on the applause cake.

“From now on all Tory MPs will talk of the NHS staff exclusively in language normally reserved for soldiers in wartime. This way if more of them die as a result of substandard PPE everyone will know it was a sacrifice for a greater cause, not preventable, and no one will suggest a pay rise again.”

So go on, clap too! It’s all the NHS need to make it through, if you ask the government.

Posted on

Contactless payment limit raised to £100 so people don’t have to enter PIN to buy a loaf of bread in 2022

SPENDING A PENNY : The UK’s most glamorous Chancellor ever, Dishy Fishy Rishi Sunak has unleashed his latest budget on an unsuspecting country.

“We don’t actually have any money left,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “well, we won’t by the end of the year. But that is no reason not to let Rishi play. He’s so youthful and exuberant you just can’t resist letting him frolic with his professional photographers.”

And while some Chancellors actually know something about economics, Rishi has the advantage of carrying on a legacy of outdated Thatcherite policies, the smarts only an inheritance millionaire has, and some rather special ideas about how to use the nations ports for tax avoidance now that we don’t export anymore. But there’s one bit of the budget that is just for the plebs.

“The decision to raise the contactless spending limit to £100 a go is really world beating,” the source notes. “It is future proofing the consumers of the United Kingdom against the hyper inflation that is coming down the line once the fiscally retarded pandemic mismanagement collides with the rolling impact of Brexit.”

The boosting of the limit will allow shoppers to spend their savings all at once in the supermarket. Or anyone who happened to nick their card. They can too.

“Best of all it readies everyone for 2022. You’ll be able to buy a loaf of bread on contactless and not push wheelbarrows of bank notes about,” the source is jubilant. “And once the cost of bread goes over one hundred quid we’ll just raise the limit again. It’s genius.”

.

Posted on

Boris Johnson founds charity for Boris Johnson

FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE : The UK’s big hearted, big dreaming prime minister is famous for his championing of worthy causes. Not a day passes when he isn’t trying to make the world a better place for someone, mostly someone anonymous.

“Now he’s looking closer to home, which is nice for a change,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He’s identified a truly noble cause and he just can’t help himself.”

The plan, it is rumoured, is to do what he has done so successfully for architects of bridges and submarine tunnels.

“As long as money moves into needy pockets outcomes aren’t important. Classic conservatism. It doesn’t matter if one person undeserving receives help, just so long as you care about them enough to get them the cash when needed.”

And while the planners of giant, unfeasible infrastructure projects have now well and truly taken care of by the prime minister, there is one needy person who is too often neglected.

“The Boris Johnson Charity for Boris Johnson will be world beating. Ramped up charity offering a gold standard service for the focus of the charity.”

Yes, that’s right, Boris Johnson is now turning his caring mind to himself, after a year of agony in which he was pretty much immobilised by indecision in the pandemic.

“His latest fiancé is the driving force behind it,” the source confirms. “Did you see her choice in wallpaper and furnishings? Boris had a permanent nosebleed now and needs money for private specialists to fit him with some extremely dark glasses so he isn’t constantly smashed in the face just moving between rooms. And it’s hoped there maybe a little left over if the public is generous for a holiday somewhere nice.”

The Boris Johnson Charity for Boris Johnson – it’ll help take his mind off the 130,000 dead people on his watch, and if it’s talked about enough it’ll help take your mind off them too.