LCD Views

LEVELLING UP, DOWN, ALL AROUND : DOWNING STREET HAS SUCCUMBED TO PRESSURE TODAY TO ANSWER WHAT THE HELL THE HALF ARSED MANNEQUINS PRETENDING TO GOVERN THE UK ARE DOING ABOUT RETURNING TRAVELLERS FROM COVID-19 HOTSPOTS.

For weeks the idea of quarantining returning travellers has been touted as an effective way to prevent the spread of more dangerous variants of the killer virus that currently plagues the UK, but so far all there has been from Downing Street is words and no deeds.

“That’s because our friends like to travel,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s a bit rum to make them shack up with their families in a bloody Travelodge when they just step off a first class flight. Think of the mental health implications? It’s very hard for the PM to do this to donors. I mean friends.”

Other reasons given for the lax approach are suggested to be that the UK is still pursuing herd immunity, the so called ‘take it on the chin’ approach, which has been so successful thus far.

“It’s more because apparently none of our friends are in hotels, and those that are don’t want to touch this with a bargepole. Still counting their PPE winnings I suppose. Ha!”

But in spite of the headwinds it’s believed a meeting of the cabinet today decided the matter, and one that buys into the famous levelling up agenda.

“It was rough sailing initially. Little Matty Hancock was moaning that people keep having pops at him for not using the advantages of an island to prevent a mere 110K and rising people dying of Covid-19. Apparently we should have actually acted like a competent government, whatever that is. They have one in New Zealand, Australia, Taiwan, Vietnam and Japan. But we’re not commies! We’re not doing what they do. Our inherent love of dying prematurely must be protected. Anyway, Matt said let’s drain the English Channel and it all kicked off. Priti went for him with a pair of scissors. It was a lucky escape. They were Johnson’s craft scissors. He’s not allowed sharp objects in case he slips while running. But it was then that someone in the cabinet hit on the winning formula.”

Apparently a few in the cabinet have been getting calls to rein in that crazed MP from outside Leicester somewhere, who keeps writing about the plague with evidence and science.

“That’s not on. I mean, it risks endangering our entire policy. The entire brand of the party. But we’ve got a way to kill two birds with one stone,” the source winked. “We simply turn the entirety of the UK north of Watford into a quarantine hotel. The whole show. Everyone will be so busy finding spare rooms for people to stay in they won’t have time to go on Twitter and argue with the fascists who want to cull the herd. It’s a total win.”

BY THIS TIME NEXT YEAR : “You’ll all be millionaires!” is the encouraging news from the new chief of the Bank of England, chosen to replace Carney, it’s presumed because of his better ideological purity, as decided by the Cardinals of the Church of Brexit.

The happy expectations will cheer many Britons who may have found lockdown relatively more expensive than the multi-millionaires running the country.

“It’s clear that everyone in the U.K. has just been hoarding wealth over the last year,” the Bank chief continued, in comments we have completely fabricated. “Just look at all the closed shops, restaurants and pubs! People not spending is to blame. Billions must be stored under the mattresses of the U.K.”

And while no one is yet suggesting the Home Office is empowered to forcibly enter homes in order to check under the mattresses, there is an expectation that people will indulge in an orgy of spending, once they’re no longer afraid of dying.

“More than ever we are going to need to rely on consumerism to pretend we still have an economy. When you take the double whammy of a free for all on the public finances to repay the investments of Tory Party donors, thank you CV-19, and the teething problems of Brexit…I mean holy cow, get out there and buy British!”

But some critics have pointed out that while there have been savings on travel for those who can work from home, there have also been costs. The entire household home 24/7 has dramatically increased grocery and utility bills, in a time of rising costs. Also the necessity of purchasing equipment to home school and entertain the children.

“Trifles. Cost wise,” our invented commentary reveals. “I mean, given that everyone in the country has been gifted a PPE contract worth billions, with no expectation to deliver any actual product, the entire country is loaded!”

IF YOU WASTE MY TIME, I’LL WASTE YOURS: There is a good reason that young Boris Johnson has been in the lower fourth for 42 years. An excess of charisma and tastefully ruffled hair is no substitute for hard work, writes his tutor. 

“Young Mr Johnson may have had an easy existence thus far,” wrote House Master Kane Wielder. “But I would expect him to show a little more interest in his studies, and a little less interest in the pubs and fillies of Eton, if he wants to achieve the O Levels of which he is capable.” 

Boris bit back. “Nobody told me that homework was necessary,” he grumbled. “I thought it was just so the masters could make themselves look hard. Anyway I can always pay one of the other boys to do it for me!” 

Johnson’s career trajectory is well known. After a year or two of remedial classes, the school became fed up and kicked him upstairs to Oxford. This became a recurring pattern in Johnson’s life. Too posh for punishment, or at least too well connected, promotion was the only option. 

The only remaining question is, how do you kick the Prime Minister upstairs? 

“He still refuses to do his homework,” grumbled Wielder from his cosy retirement home. “There was a deal he signed, and bragged about, but he never bothered to read it. So when the downsides manifest, he lashed out. Read the first paragraph, bluff the rest, and complain he’s ill treated when his essay gets 2 out of 10. He hasn’t changed.” 

Trouble is, the current government comprises a good many upper class twits who have been indulged, like Johnson, instead of being put in their places. 

Instead, their empty heads have been filled with conspiracy theories like Brexit and an unshakeable sense of entitlement. “I’m PM, that proves that I’m the cream of the crop, wiff waff!” as Johnson himself puts it in his latest column for the Daily Propaganda.

Bless him. He did his best! 

FREEDOM OF MOVEMENT IS JUST FOR THE RICH : DOWNING STREET has some sound advice for fishermen facing unemployment today, as Brexit continues to go off in their industry like a stick of dynamite in a herring shoal.

“No one wants fish. It took Brexit for us to discover that. The industry was propped up before merely by belief in fishing. Now the belief is gone, so is the market,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman said. “We’ve essentially done the British fishing community an incredible favour. One of self-realisation. No one wants to discover, years from now, with their dying breath that they had been living a lie for years, thinking they were a fisherman.”

The opportunity to know oneself deeper is not the only advantage to come out of Brexit for the fishermen.

“Clearly they now have to retrain. Happily, thanks to the combined forces of Brexit ending Freedom of Movement (for plebs) and a lethal mismanagement of the ‘just like a flu’ pandemic, there is a gaping skills shortage facing the United Kingdom as we build back never. And it’s not just in construction work that we are short of tens of thousands. It’s not just in brains in the cabinet that the hole is yawning ever wider. It’s in the au pair sector too. Fishermen are good at handling large schools of rapidly moving creatures. They will make natural au pairs, once they get their land legs. And the £100 a week they’ll earn will be more than they’ll earn from fishing! Look at the benefits.”

But what about the loss of cultural exchange, the deepening of understanding between Brits and people from all over the European continent? Surely we want to retain that exchange.

“Mate. You’re not up to speed yet with Brexit. Deeper understanding of the continent? That’s the last thing the Empire freaks in Downing Street want to achieve. In fact, quite the opposite. Now run along and wait for your turn to experience unemployment.”