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Downing Street to investigate why “Fawlty Towers” appears as hotel option on new hotel quarantine booking website

IT’S NOT LIKE IT MATTERS : DOWNING STREET is investigating many things these days. What craft glue is best to use when making model buses? Are all blondes attracted to the prime minister, or just a few? Can you beat a pandemic by refusing to eliminate the virus that is causing the pandemic?

“We’ve got our best people working on the case,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “And happily the majority of the media is going along with it. And so are MPs. Who wants to eliminate CV-19 when there is so much to find out? That’s why we won’t pursue elimination as the policy even though over 120,000 people are now dead. And we still get to be the government! It’s a mad, mad world. Today we’re finding out what happened to our hotel quarantine booking website!”

And what happened to the hotel quarantine booking website is the big question of the afternoon. After it crashed. Hours after they launched it.

While some minor critics will use the crash as another example of not being able to run a piss up in a brewery, that will be entirely unfair given that Boris Johnson is the piss up artist in chief.

“The prime minister built the quarantine website personally out of old wine crates,” the source adds. “So it’s a high quality job and definitely not something just outsourced to one of Dom’s madcap mates for a fortune to harvest everyone’s data to sell on to dodgy, overseas corporate interests. We’re buggered if we know why it doesn’t work. Just another day in the office really.”

But one thing that is certain is that the list of hotels available is part of the problem.

“It’s not fair to say that Fawlty Towers shouldn’t be on the list of hotels to choose from. John Cleese was a famous supporter of Brexit and it’s right we direct business to his hotel in thanks.”

But while the hoi poli may have to stay in Torquay the members of the cabinet, their family and chums at least don’t have so far to travel.

“When the website is up and running The Ritz will still be there as the default booking for all ministers of the government. The rooms need to be big enough to accommodate their Union Jack flag poles after all. It’s a matter of national interest.”

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Stanley Johnson to front campaign to raise awareness over 10 year jail terms for breaking CV-19 travel rules

TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE : THE UK BREATHED A SIGH OF RELIEF when it was announced the Prime Minister’s dad had been fully vaccinated against CV-19, mostly because of how many random members of the public he makes contact with.

Whether it was overseas holidays, or day to day public transport use, it seemed not a day went by without the sire of the UK’s biggest and best known dumb blonde joke hitting the news stands.

“So when the time came this morning to choose a well known face to front the campaign to raise public awareness over the heavy new penalties for breaking travel restrictions, Johnson senior was the only choice.”

And in order for the campaign to have maximum effectiveness it will have to invade the public attention as readily as a virus protein spike in your windpipe.

“The campaign will actually be exceptionally clever. You won’t even notice any change in Stanley’s day to day behaviour. He’s going to be asked to carry on as usual. He’ll break restrictions here, there and everywhere and be filmed doing it. It will be exceptionally cheap to produce, which is nice. The savings can be given to a Tory donor in the form of a PPE contract. Really efficient use of limited public resources. We can all be proud.”

But to ensure maximum impact each time the PM’s dad is proven to have broken the new rules, he will escape all punishment. This will have the public rapt.

“It’s one of the tangible benefits of CV-19. There’s now a long list of government figures, and people associated with them, documented to have broken CV-19 restrictions and SFA has happened to them. It helps condition the plebs for life in Brexit. Well, those that survive the pandemic long enough to enjoy it.”

Keep a look out for Stanley in your neighbourhood and know if you spot doing something dodgy, you’ve been taught a lesson.

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Matt Hancock listed on the London Stock Exchange in major boost to city

INVEST IN MATT : THE UK’S HEALTH MINISTER, Matt Hancock, maybe under increasing media speculation regarding all the PPE contracts he’s dished out like candy to friends and associates, but that isn’t slowing him down.

“Everyone is so distracted by Amsterdam overtaking London as the trading capital of Europe that they’ve not fully appreciated what a world beating investment the Health Secretary is proving to be,” our Financial Services analyst comments.

“People who put their faith and money in Matt years back are now reaping amazing returns. With interest rates historically low on traditional investments, buying shares in Matt is a proven profit maker. And there’s still a lot of his soul to buy shares in. I would go long on Matt today. The risk of him being shorted is minimal, so long as Boris Johnson needs a series of shields he can hide behind during the pandemic. And beyond. While the stated aims of the NHS shakeup look agreeable, it’s likely that’s a load of bull manure and a cover. Matt has a lot of work to do still, so long as he can continue to swallow it.”

And given Mr Hancock famously said he could never support proroguing parliament in the service of Brexit, that it would go against everything those men who died on the beaches [WW2] died for, and then turned about face as quick as you like and supported the prorogation of parliament in the service of Brexit, it’s like he’s a rich seam to mine into the future.

“It’s not only shares in Matt that are returning amazing returns. Whether you’ve donated 10’s of 1,000’s to him politically, or simply had a beer with him once, there’s exciting developments in the Matt pipeline.”

The next plan it seems is to relaunch Hancock as a digital currency. The first human to make the transformation.

“The only hiccup currently seems to be what the call the currency? MattCoin is the obvious favourite. But MattCon may prove to be more accurate over time.”

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Government of country exporting world beating CV-19 mutants debating where to take its hols this summer

HEAD BASH WALL : THE UK maybe in the grip of a pandemic so fatally mismanaged that nearly half of its fatalities have occurred in just the last couple of months, but that doesn’t mean it’s time to clean up the messaging surrounding summer holidays. Costa del Sol or Cornwall? So hard to decide.

“To be fair, anywhere not governed by the incredible dynamism of Johnson and Gove is bound to be a popular choice for Global Britons,” our Tourism expert opines. “I mean just imagine waking up one morning to find yourself living under the reign of terror of Jacinda Ardern? You’d have a right tingle up your spine.”

Australia, Japan, Taiwan, Vietnam, South Korea and others are also thought to be popular destinations for lockdown ministers with one hand hovering over Expedia and another on their diary. Those summer holidays are very long if you’re an MP.

“But let’s not forget France and the Costa del Sol. The traditional British destinations are still high on the list of places we aim to visit in Summer 2021. World beating tourist destinations.”

And while the speculation over whether to go to Malaga or even stay in the UK and infest Cornwall is understandable, some minor voices are suggesting other forces may intercede.

“Other countries mostly,” our expert shrugs. “They may bizarrely decide to control their borders. It will be a baffling sight. We may learn how to do it if we watch closely. The motivation could be our ramped up ability to mutate CV-19 at home. We’re not specifically doing it for the export market, but that’s the end result. Maybe the entire Earth will decide to tell us to stay the fuck at home and deal with the Johnson shitshow? It’s too early to tell.”

Newlyn or Seville? Where do you want to take your local CV-19 variant this summer?

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British Exceptionalism listed by UN as a WMD

DUMB BOMBS : The UN has released the updated list today of what are now considered Weapons of Mass Destruction. The list is updated routinely as new technology adds to the array of horrifying firepower possessed by countries around the world.

“This is actually a break in trend,” our WMD analyst reports. “As British Exceptionalism is as old a weapon as the Brown Bess, and in the climate of modern statecraft about as useful when aimed at someone else. Happily though if you point it directly at your feet you can blow them both off.”

And there are other differences to BE in its listing on the WMD list of shame.

“Normally countries develop dangerous weapons with the idea that their enemies will see them as too risky to attack. It’s very unusual for a munition of this potential to be both developed and then dropped on oneself intentionally, and by the government of the country concerned. It’s actually incredibly impressive. The entire UK is ground zero and the shockwaves are felt around the world. Negatively as Coronavirus mutants. But most uniquely, the shockwaves being felt in Europe are also coming in the form of investment and jobs that would once have been in the UK. It’s an amazing weapon.”

But it’s not just the economy that is being blasted to pieces by BE, it’s the health of the nation too.

“Remember when those amateurs from the WHO told the world exactly how to contain the new plague? Based on what they knew at the time, and regularly updated? And the UK government had the example of China and several large, industrialised European countries on what to do, and not to do? And we just shrugged, because we’re British. This is because the UK had just re-elected the living personification of British Exceptionalism, and he was able to detonate himself in unison with the virus. And just look at the damage! Amazing. And even more amazing is the fact that no matter how much damage he does, he is allowed to re-explode each day. This is one of the most powerful dumb bombs ever to be set off. And no one seems willing to defuse it!”

British Exceptionalism, it started as a weapon of mass distraction and it ended up as a weapon of mass destruction. The people in UK politics, their overseas backers, and our compliant media must be very proud. It continues to be an exceptional effort.

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Brits holidaying abroad this year to fill in 71 pages of customs forms first

FACT OR FRICTION: Great news! British travellers planning to use their nice shiny new blue passports this summer for an overseas holiday, will have the added bonus of free paperwork. 

This was vigorously denied by the government fall guy of the day. “British citizens taking a well deserved break this year will not have to complete any extra forms,” said the empty cipher, surrounded by fake bookcases and Union Jacks. “They may have to sign a disclaimer, it is true, but it’s nothing out of the ordinary, we have been entirely clear about this, think about the sovereignty. Sovereignty, I say!” 

The official shifty denial more or less confirmed that the opposite was true. 

“We’re screwed, if you want me to be perfectly honest,” countered travel agent Benny Dorm. “Nobody is booking holidays this year anyway, and if they did, there would be visas to collect, negative covid tests to be delivered and double checked, duty declarations, ham sandwich inspections, and a hundred other considerations.” 

This all ignores the official position on overseas holidays. Summarised briefly, it says,” Don’t book a holiday. Unless you really want to. Even then, don’t go, or do go if you like. It’s a free country, we aren’t going to boss you about, you’re British, you’re above all this petty intransigence. Rule Britannia!” 

Nothing could be clearer. Uncertainty is the only certainty. 

“I have to tell my customers that they must pay up front,” grumbled Dorm. “And no refunds. And they have to fill in reams of paperwork. And their holiday might be cancelled at short notice. And even if they do go away, on their return they will be obliged to quarantine at a cost of £1750 per person. It’s not good for business.” 

With that, Dorm packed his personal effects, turned off the lights, locked the door, and left. 

Welcome to Brexit Britain! 

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British onions renamed “Brexit Balls” as every layer you peel back makes you cry

BREXIT IS BALLS : To make a success of Brexit the meaning of a lot of words has had to be changed, and the long established names of items also needs to undergo a revolution.

Captivity has become Liberty. International Pariah has become Sovereignty. Red Tape has become Massive. Fishing Industry has become Growth Opportunity.

So far, so good. But who is deciding what gets an update?

“The Committee of Gumby,” a Downing Street source informs LCD Views. “also known as the Renaming Research Group, but that’s just so it can claim expenses off the taxpayer. It’s modelled on the ERG. They billed the taxpayer to undertake their research on Europe. You can see how well spent the money was by Brexit. Genius. It’s almost like a lot of MPs are completely on the take. The pisstake that is. Don’t mistake my meaning.”

What have the Committee renamed so far?

“Brussels Sprouts. That’s not news. We all know they’re now Yorkshire Sprouts. It’s freed them of suspicious associations. Spider Crabs are now King Crabs. That’s a new one. Total genius. And we’re not forgetting all the other vegetables. Although Grant Shapps already has multiple aliases, so we’re saving money by letting him continue to rename himself.”

It seems shoppers will need to get used to different, more patriotic names when they tour the overflowing produce aisles of Brexitannia?

“Yes. And today’s renaming is one of the most apt yet,” the source advises.

“We’ve renamed onions Brexit balls, because every layer you peel back makes you cry.”

*Thanks to Not Andrea for starting it 🙂

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Every UK town to have its own Covid variant by 2024, promises Matt Hancock

VARIATIONS ENIGMA: The UK is getting ahead of the curve again. With the Kent Variant, the South Africa Variant, and in all probability the VW Variant surging across Britain, Matt Hancock has made a promise to the nation.

“Every city, town and village will have its very own covid variant by 2024!” claimed the Wealth Means Health Secretary. “We will be ramping up the roll-out of this world beating programme, just as soon as we work out how to use it to justify emptying the Treasury into private pockets!”

Hancock paused to mop his overlarge, perspiring forehead with one of the Union flags that festooned his cubicle. The startled, rabbit in the headlights look continued to haunt his face, and a vein throbbed in his temple as if he were Dominic Raab’s evil twin. 

“We are leading the world in this respect!” he crowed, forcing a rictus grin which somehow made him look even crazier. His eyes bulged dangerously in their sockets. “And to ensure the success of the project, it will be headed up by Dido Harding!” 

Online pandemonium ensued. Hancock just about managed to disconnect Zoom, and take cover in his mandatory WiFi-free safe room. 

The implications are startling. Where could this policy end up?

“Each city, suburb, district, neighbourhood and street could have its own variant,” warned WHO Doctor Reg Eneration. “You could see a different variant in every house. The 23 Acacia Avenue variant could be deadly to the residents of number 21 and 25. Talking over the fence could become an arrestable offence, or would be once the Police Force Variant is under control.”

Stopping the virus from spreading any further seems to be the logical thing to do.

“That assumes that anyone wants to stop mutations,” argued Dr Eneration. “And all the evidence points the opposite way. So we may as well embrace it, literally as well as figuratively. We all have to go one day, after all.”

And there will be a statue of Matt Hancock in every deserted village.

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“UK now leading the world in shellfish preservation” – Boris Johnson

OH FOR SCHUCK’S SAKE : THE UK HAD TO LEAVE THE EUROPEAN UNION OR THE “MANDATE” DERIVED FROM CRIMINAL INTERFERENCE IN THAT FAMOUS OPINION POLL BACK IN 2016 WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN FULFILLED. WE ALL KNOW THIS. Mostly because John Humphrys shouted it at everyone for a few years before retiring from the Today programme. Democracy dies if lies don’t thrive. Isn’t that how it goes? Who cares? No one in the UK political or media landscape much. Because we’re better than all that.

And we all know what we were voting for.

Remainers were voting to remain part of the most powerful trade bloc on Earth, to protect the minimum standards that guaranteed equality in human activities and protected the environment, to maintain the valuable FOM rights that the EU enfranchises members with at birth – regardless of the wealth of the family someone is born into, and vitally, to continue the peace project of the EU on a continent that for thousands of years previously, routinely, slaughtered one another.

And Leavers were voting for a bus.

Because of the industrial scale of lies and false promises some were susceptible too. Say it quietly…some were racist. Some were oblivious. Some just wanted to give David Cameron a kicking. Some were stuck in the 1970’s in terms of labour relations, and still are. So genuinely believed it would improve their lives.

And because one of the UK’s most prominent and powerful Conservative politicians fronted the campaign to leave they were wooed. He talked their pants off, as he’s talked many pants off in the past. Who cares what comes next? It’s the gratification of the moment that counts.

And no one’s overalls were more successfully talked off than the fishermen of the UK.

And now they’re stuffed. Because now they can’t sell into the market on their doorstep in a timely enough fashion to satisfy their customers, which they were warned repeatedly would happen before the UK triumphantly left the EU. If the EU became the third country it demanded to be.

But a negligent media and a dishonest political class didn’t care about all that. They just kept up the pillow talk all the way through until they’d finished screwing the fishing industry senseless. Pumped and dumped.

And now, for now, the fishing industry is well and trully schucked.

But it’s not all bad. It’s becoming an unintended environmental windfall. And later today Britain’s biggest environmentalist, Boris Johnson, is rumoured to be planning to celebrate it by declaring – the “UK is now leading the world in shellfish preservation!”

But nobody will be buying that either…so what’s next? Re-join the single market? Re-join the customs union? The fishermen should retrain as ballerinas maybe? Ballerinas who are retraining in digital?

No one can say. But what all can agree on is that the catch that has landed is not the one everyone was promised was in the net. Maybe the oysters are happy as clams though? Still on the sea floor? Maybe that’s the only tangible benefit of Brexit.

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Free school meals to consist of 100% British shellfish

PUTTING TWO AND TWO TOGETHER TO MAKE FIVE: For every crisis there is a solution. On the one hand, there is a surplus of British shellfish we can’t offload onto the Europeans. On the other, there is the problem of Marcus Rashford banging on about hungry children. Isn’t it obvious to combine the two?

“We can’t give the stuff away!” is the cry of the Brexit-voting fishermen who simply didn’t believe in Britain hard enough. Oh yes you can. Give it to kids, who are unable to distinguish sea-based creepy-crawlies from a cheese sandwich and half an apple.

What’s more it’s free, thanks to the government bailing out the fishing industry to the tune of eleventy seventeenty thousand hundred roubles. I mean pounds. Pounds, not roubles. Anyway, each lunchbox will come with links to a website giving recipe ideas for Lobster Thermidor, Moules Marinieres, and Clam Chowder. Nutritious, delicious, and educational!

It’s enough to warm the cockles.

Every single precious British whelk, barnacle and scallop will be individually stamped with a Union Jack and a picture of Boris Johnson. The delighted seafood will leap out of their shells and into the pot, laughing, on command. The resulting dinners will be called Happy Meals.

Suddenly the British shellfish industry is worth crowing about. Crabby government ministers, who have previously tended to clam up, are suddenly queueing up like lorries in Dover to praise the scheme. LCD Views managed to winkle out a couple of quotes.

“This is just fantastic!” gushed Fisheries Minister Victoria Prentis, tearing herself away from the ceremonial opening of a bottle of Merlot. “The EU never saw that coming, did they?”

“I couldn’t agree more,” agreed DEFRA supremo George Eustice. “I’ve just written to them informing them that I didn’t vote for this, and that they had better jolly well sort it out!”

How will the children react when they discover langoustines for lunch? Suddenly the ministers disappeared in a puff of red, white, and blue sovereignty.

Global Britain. The world is your oyster.