Posted on

Billionaire to refuse pay rise in solidarity with the nurses

WHO WANTS TO BE A BILLIONAIRE? The mega-rich Chancellor, “Fishy” Rishi Sunak, is to turn down a well-deserved pay rise in solidarity with our heroic underpaid nurses.

“It’s only fair,” dissembled the BBC’s loyal Propaganda Chief, Laura Norder. “Nobody is more deserving than the nurses, and let’s face it, Fishy Rishi is hardly a nobody!”

She blushed, doubtless recalling some steamy episode.

To be fair, the figures show that a nurse will earn a whopping £3.50 a week extra on average. By contrast, anyone earning a salary of a billion pounds, and receiving a pay rise of 1%, would receive only a mere £1.38 more per second.

Many other prominent ministers are following suit. Matt Hancock is going to weep crocodile tears live on TV. Boris Johnson is going to tell transparent lies about how we all have to make sacrifices. And Priti Patel is going to get the numbers wrong, bully anyone who points out her error, and pay them £340,000 to keep quiet.

“Let’s face it, the government’s coffers are empty,” continued Norder, hastily pocketing a brown envelope stuffed with used banknotes. “There are moves afoot to create a new currency consisting of claps, but the technology to make an applauding cash machine is some distance away. Ministers are working night and day to dream up alternative arrangements.”

A big hand for the government, or just a finger?

“Give them a break!” screeched Norder. Broken fingers? “No, not Rishi’s fishy fingers, no government has ever had such a crisis to deal with, when they were elected on a promise to Get Brexit Done and that’s it, contract out the actual governing to luminaries like His Eminent Lordship David Frost, and spend the rest of their term throwing bread rolls and brickbats at Sir Keir Starmer.”

Bless you Mr Sunak! Compassion doesn’t come cheap.

Posted on

Boris Johnson gifts Cummings 350% bonus for 2020 work just to see how much shit the public will take

NURSE! NURSE! : Running endless focus groups can be a tiring way to govern a democracy crumbling rapidly into a feudalist fetish rebirth colony, especially if you don’t think the great unwashed have a right to think. Happily British PM Boris Johnson has hit on a way to short circuit all that.

“The boss is going to give his mate Dom a retrospective bonus for all his out of the box thinking in 2020,” a Downing Street source has revealed to LCD Views.

The motivation for the surprising decision appears to be a way to conduct a complete and total focus group of the entirety of the British public and press factions all at once.

“It’s the perfect day to do it. You must keep in mind that Johnson is emotionally a very abusive individual. He’s praised and promised nurses for saving his life, for dying for their country and then he’s given them a sub-inflation pay rise. Essentially a pay cut. It’s hilarious. He’s very pleased with himself. But he’s really eager to see just how much he can get away with. How far can he push it? Well, let’s find out.”

So find out he will.

“350 is now as iconic a number in British public life as the devil’s 52/48. So let’s give Dom a 350% bonus on his salary last year and make it every week. See if the public snap? Bloody funny.”

We send £350m a week to the EU let’s give it to mates of Johnson instead. Doff the cap. Keep calm and carry on at the trough.

Posted on

Dominic Cummings “breathless with laughter” over £10K fine for 61 year old NHS pay protest organiser

UNCONTROLLABLE : The unseen force in British politics, Dominic Cummings, is said to be temporarily unable to continue with his vital work of egregious waste of UK taxpayer money today after hearing about the £10K fine levied against a 61 year old NHS pay protest organiser.

Mr Cummings was said to be “in his bunker” trying on a range of new grey suits with matching white Persian cats when he heard the news. And his reaction was believed to be “instantaneous” and “like a megalomaniac man with a deadly virus speeding up a motorway with his child in the back of the car out of the terror of having to babysit.”

“It’s potentially very serious,” an insider told LCD Views from Dom’s subterranean lair. “He has to work out how to waste another £100bn on some fantasy white elephant by midday or he won’t hit his personal productivity target for the day.”

Further concerns have been expressed over the likelihood of an actual injury resulting from the laughter if it does not abate soon.

“He could break a rib, which would make getting dressed like a 20 year old boy band wannabe try hard difficult. There’s also some concern over damage to his eyesight if he can’t unscrew his mean little orbs soon. And we all know what lengths he is prepared to go to to check his vision. He’ll probably have to undertake a circumnavigation of the world if he doesn’t stop laughing like a drain soon.”

But concerns over Dom’s welfare are perhaps overblown, like the man himself. A recent check showed that his 30,000 word 2014 blog on public sector pay was edited five minutes ago to forecast just this situation. And revisionism that keen needs fine eyesight.

Posted on

Boris Johnson to spend £9m building hair salon within Downing Street

WE’VE GOT A SITUATION HERE : The UK’s prime minister is on a one man mission to spend all of the UK’s money and he doesn’t let an opportunity pass to splash more of it up the wall. Any wall.

In keeping with his raison d’être he has announced that a new room will be built within 10 Downing Street at extravagant cost. Nicknamed “The Situation Room”, it will be a hair salon just for the use of Mr Johnson and his inner circle.

“The Prime Minister believes a man’s appearance is a key to understanding his inner workings. His base psychology. His values. Clothes maketh the man and all that. But so does hair,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “In keeping with this the PM needs to ensure his appearance is consistent.”

While not many would disagree with any of them, some would argue at the cost of fitting the hair salon into the historic address.

“It’s mostly the cost of installing the industrial strength wind turbine,” the source illuminates. “The old days of dragging himself backwards through a hedge are over. He’s serious about his look now. He will stand in the wind tunnel and an aide will crank the dial to 11, which is higher than 10, and he will get the full force of the tornado strength gale face first.”

Additional cost is believed to be involved in keeping a consistent stock of puppies in a basket.

“After the wind blasting he will have the puppies placed on his head and let them do whatever it is they like. Only then is he considered suitably styled to talk to the nation about his world beating pandemic death toll. Oh and Brexit. Which he got done.”

Posted on

Donald Trump announces he standing for election as Mayor of London

NEWS FROM THE S-BEND : Former President of the Americas Donald Trump has some spare time on his hands these days, what with only legal, financial, marital, health and political problems to contend with. So he’s found a new project to keep himself busy.

“He’s standing to be Mayor of London,” an aide to the Orange Skinned Shitgibbon told LCD Views. “Not many people know this, but Donald Trump is more popular in London than he is in Narnia.”

The news of Mr Trump’s official entry into the Mayoral race of England’s capital city was made earlier today via his Twitter account.

“The timing of the announcement is no coincidence,” the aide told us. “He saw that younger version of Farage is standing, the failed actor who failed at music? What’s his name? It doesn’t matter. It’ll be on the ballot paper. And he saw Piers Corbyn is standing and that absolute fake news merchant Bailey someone. He thought why not me? It’s like a cosmic event of bellends. The gravity is drawing them all in.”

But while Drumpf’s candidacy isn’t a complete surprise, given his popularity levels with bottlers of English urine, some suggest there maybe an ulterior motive.

“The current U.K. government loves Russian money. Donald Trump loves Russia money. Donald Trump needs a lot of it. Some suspect he’s just following his nose. And with Britain Trump and his latest girlfriend making Downing Street look like a special kind of entertainment palace, Mr Trump will feel right at home.”

Posted on

David Frost blames EU for reality

NOTES FROM AN INCREASINGLY SMALL ISLAND : The EU knows it’s in the wrong in it’s fractious disputes with the fully independent, sovereign trading nation of the North Sea. But in case they forget Boris Johnson has appointed a total plank to remind them.

For years David Frost’s middling career seemed determined to stay very much mediocre in spite of his own recognition of his talents, even if the world disagreed.

“But then came Brexit. Then came Boris. Then came opportunity,” Doctor Fillboots Fugger of the Institute for Idiots comments. “If you’re prepared to believe in Brexit you can rise all the way up the greasy pole in Brexitannia. No matter how silly you are. No matter how insane your mission. A complete denial of reality is all that is needed to succeed.”

And succeed is what Lord Frost is doing, so far as swanning about consuming oxygen and covering himself in baubles.

“I note he has a new mission now. One that only a complete pot plant would take. It’s to explain to the EU that they are to fault for all that is wrong with Brexit. Pick a fight Frosty. Stop the inconvenient details of how much damage you and Boris Johnson have done. Go blame the EU for reality. If it wasn’t for reality Brexit would be a boom enterprise and the EU would be begging.”

The blame being laid on reality and the EU’s insistence on it will come as a surprise to many though.

“It will. Most think that everything is Megan Markle’s fault. But leave some blame for the EU. If it wasn’t for them Suez would have been a triumph.”

Which is what Frosty will be explaining to Brussels next week. Stay tuned for the adventures of Lord Frost. No one else could do what he’s doing, because no one else is craven and insecure enough to want to.

Posted on

Boris Johnson invites NHS staff to apply to redecorate his flat to earn extra income

EVERY LITTLE BIT HELPS : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON, the last of his kind, has taken a decisive step this morning to head off the growing furore over the sub-inflation pay rise offered to NHS staff in Rishi Sunak’s fantasy budget this week.

“He’s new to the job,” the PM told reporters over a Zoom link. “You have to be patient. He is just doing what he’s told. The Chancellor before him showed a minor streak of independent thought so we had to get rid of him. But Rishi is just so happy to be involved with the big kids he’ll do anything. Including stiff the NHS after a year in which hundreds of them have died due to insufficient PPE at the start of the crisis. And arguably because of my aborted decision to be a good time guy and try and save Christmas. Did you see January’s mortality rates? Holy hell! Don’t let the press get wind of it or they’ll never shut up about it.”

But while it took the PM a while to get to the reason for his address, he did in the end address the subsistence wages he expects NHS staff to live on.

“Look, you have to keep the field competitive. How many highly trained nurses will leave the NHS to go and work for privately owned agencies supplying nurses to the NHS if we pay them properly? It’s not as simple as just giving them a pay rise that respects their sacrifices. They’ve also been given a lot of applause. People tend to forget that.”

When asked what a nurse should do if they really just can’t make ends meet, the PM showed his generous streak.

“I would invite them to come to my home,” he said. “Carrie is out of control with the redecorating expenses. There’s a lot still to do. Painting. Laying flooring. Installing new bathrooms. They can pick up some additional cash in hand work pitching in.”

You know the address.

“Also, there’s babysitting and prop dog walking. They can top up their wages in their free time, help me keep the bally refurb costs down, and feel patriotic while they’re at it. It’s an opportunity that’s too good to miss.”

Posted on

“10 days to find Brazilian case as Track & Trace was busy finding new wallpaper variant” – Downing Street

MONEY AND TIME WELL SPENT : DOWNING STREET has responded to queries regarding the impressive timeframe in tracking down the Brazilian variant, and responded fast.

“Of course it took a lot of time. We just let it walk off the plane and through the airport and onto public transport,” a 10 Downing Street spokesmen revealed. “Do you know how many people there are in the UK? That’s a lot of people to check. A lot of doors to knock on and ask if the person with the dangerous new mutation lives there. Or they could be in a hotel. Or they could be mountaineering. Or they could be disguised as a newt. It’s not as simple as just controlling our borders.”

How many people the individual in question has passed the new mutation of concern to during in the intervening 10 days isn’t clear, as for 10 days no one knew where they were.

“We will find out in the next week or two after all the schools reopen at once. Happily we’re not testing staff and students before they return to in class teaching. That gives us an element of surprise and anticipation which should add nicely to what will be a fevered period in this nation’s history.”

But when pushed further, given that so far £37bn has been spent on Track and Trace, Downing Street did provide some welcome clarification.

“Look, have a heart. Dido Harding has spent the last two weeks re-tasking Track and Trace to find just the right nosebleed design of new wallpaper to keep Carrie happy at Downing Street. There’s more going on than just the plague. Sometimes I wonder if you people really have your eye on what’s most important in this time.”

Posted on

Downing Street responds to pressure to provide decent pay rise for nurses with Spitfire flypast

BATTLE OF BORIS : Few can forget where they were last year when Boris Johnson emerged from hospital after contracting Covid to thank the NHS for healing him. Few can, but Boris Johnson can.

Now in order to remind everyone just how serious his amnesia is the people’s Prime Minister has signed off on a sub-inflation pay rise for the NHS to show the depth of his gratitude.

“What sort of message would it send if we started giving whinging lefties pay rises instead of just exploiting their good nature for our own benefit?” a Downing Street source asked us and we don’t know why.

“Many public sector workers, be they in the NHS or schools, do so out of a passion to care for their fellow men, women and children. That good nature is ripe for exploitation and we’re not going to miss any opportunity to do just that.”

There is however a rumble of outrage in the country over the astronomical pisstaking by a government that can give its mates £37bn for a track and trace service that doesn’t work, enrich everyone Matt Hancock has ever met for substandard or non-existent PPE, but not give a fig about the workers who have been dying during the pandemic.

“Everyone just needs to calm down,” the source advises. “We’re also going to give the NHS workers a Spitfire flypast. And for patriotic Brits that’s more important than paying the rent.”

Posted on

Government reveals flag to be flown over “free ports”

TAX BREAKS AHOY : The United Kingdom’s government is now captain of a buccaneering, free trading, red tape slashing, stolen Man o’ War of global trade and they want everyone to know it.

Part of the great break out is the ability to let their donors and backers do whatever the hell they like when it comes to tax and all those pesky rules and regulations that are just so boring, and really only lead to a slighter smaller offshore bank account and a functioning democracy.

“This is why we are establishing the entire U.K. as a free port for the world’s freebooters,” a swaggering source at 10 Downing Street declared. “Jam the matches into your beards and light them! We’re off to conquer the rules based order! Arrrr!”

The decision to declare openly that the country is now into piracy chimes nicely too with the decision to encourage smuggling across our borders.

“We don’t want to be bringing in customs checks and all that pernickety nonsense. It’s why we intend to unilaterally not do it, no matter what the staid old empire across the sea says. Fill your boots me hearties! Then walk right into Blighty!”

But just in case anyone hasn’t gotten the message of what the shiny new brig of Brexit Britain is about on the rolling waves of global commerce, one more signal is being sent up the main mast.

“The Free Ports won’t have to fly the Union Jack. Not that they could what with them all being in the living rooms of Tory MPs. No. Free ports will fly a much more traditional banner to declare we are open for business. The Jolly Rodger! The skull and cross bones! The black and white flag that will strike terror into Brussels! Way ho and off we go! What do we do with the drunken sailor? We make him prime minister!”

One thing is certain as the U.K. begins its buccaneering Brexit adventure, the UK’s crew of voters are getting a jolly good rodgering.