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New law means 10 years prison for “shouting out accurate descriptions” of Tory MPs on the street

GOOSE STEPPING FOR BREXIT : Great strides this week in the taking back control department as the government seeks to bring in a new law to crush dissent.

The new bill to be introduced, and jammed as rapidly as possible through a parliament of the comatose, will mean dissenters get what’s coming to them in Brexitannia.

“It’s the swill of the people,” Tory MP for Gulag, Lord Phash Boot, told LCD Views. “Making a success of Global Britain is all about fear and intimidation and. Sorry. I misspoke. It’s about crushing dissent as proper in a democracy. Hang on. I shouldn’t have had that E. I keep telling the truth. I’ll get back to you later when I’ve come down.”

Clearly the workings of the Duma can not be interrupted by traitors standing around outside making their voices heard, in response to the deafness of elected officials.

“The workings of the Supreme People’s Assembly must be unhindered by one or two stubborn individuals with a placard who refuse to believe basing your country’s future on lies and electoral fraud will make it a success,” our legal eagle observes.

“This new law to be introduced by Priti Patel will bring down the risk of serious porridge for doing such scandalous things as accurately shouting out descriptions of Tory MPs as they pass.”

10 years?

“Maximum. It may only end up being 9 years with good behaviour. Just watch your language. Don’t use four letter words no matter how instinctive the response when you see a minister. Actually, best not to talk at all. It’s what taking back control is all about.”

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Everyone confused about banning protests as everything is going so well

SUNLIT UPLANDS: Brexit is done, we are in the promised land, business is booming, the NHS is getting loads of extra dosh. So, if everything in the garden is rosy, why is the government so keen to remove the right to protest? 

“There is literally nothing to protest about,” said everyman Manon de Street. “The only one still protesting is that one chap who still loves the EU, even though we left democratically and everything is much better now.” 

De Street wasn’t the only person utterly confused by the surprise move by the Home Office. 

“To be honest, things have never looked better,” claimed everywoman Lauren Twerself. “I’m already planning local street parties to celebrate our British Fish, British wind, and British ice cubes from Norway, just as soon as covid is done. It won’t be long now, I get instant updates thanks to the 5G chip in the vaccine!” 

LCD Views naturally contacted Priti Patel’s office for an official explanation. 

“Since there is no need to protest in public, ever again, it seemed a good time to slip this legislation under the radar,” said spokesman Litta Lyer. “We are in permanent paradise. Therefore any protests would be fake. This is a public order issue, and we are ordering the public to shut up.” 

The right, now the obligation, to remain silent. That is democracy of course. 

“We have now won the War on Woke,” continued Lyer. “The public must respect this, and go back to sleep. It is not their business to question us!” 

And why would anyone question such a benevolent regime? Money now literally grows on trees, at least if you support the government it does. 

And with the penalty for defacing the statue of a slave trader now set at ten years, our history is safe. 

Everything is wonderful. Pour yourself another glass of British champagne! 

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Boris Johnson nominates Priti Patel for the Noble Peace Prize

300,34,900,74,000% TRUE : Anyone who thinks Boris Johnson is just a heavily compromised pawn of shadowy foreign interests, and his own worst instincts, will have something new to chew over today after a fabricated leak from Downing Street confirms just how much he loves his Home Secretary.

“Shortly after dawn this morning a non-existent aide to the Prittster emerged carrying a highly visible make believe piece of paper with the breaking news on it. This was instantly shot by photographers who also do not exist.”

The photographed leak appears to reveal the PM’s response to the policing catastrophe on Clapham Common last night.

“We all know the Home Secretary is ultimately responsible for policing. Thus it follows that it is her fault if things go seriously wrong. This much is true.”

It’s also true that Priti Patel was forced to resign from a ministerial position due to running a secret foreign policy agenda. And that a civil servant recently received a six figure payout of public cash relating to the scandal of Patel breaking the ministerial code again, and being a bully.

“She is just the sort of dim and vicious person we need to house asylum seekers in cold and plague ridden barracks to keep the Brexit base satisfied. She does it without conscience, as she has none.”

But a useful tool of a growing autocracy needs not only protective squares formed around it, but also plaudits.

“The prime minister is to nominate Priti Patel for the Noble Peace Prize in recognition of her world beating efforts in the Middle East. Her treatment of desperate forrins and her new bill designed fo outlaw protest in the U.K. If no one can dissent it will be very peaceful indeed.”

And there’s one more reason for the nomination.

“It’ll own the libs. What other reason is needed really? We’ve cancelled the Mash Report. We’ve forcefully stop a vigil. We need one more cultural war success to round off a successful week.”

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Tory MP – daffodil harvest failure not due to Brexit “farmer neglected to plant Union Jack coloured bulbs”

PATRIOTISM IS GROWING : The Tory MP for Bulb-phor-Brain Baron Filchpurse has hit back at unpatriotic reports that the great freedom enterprise of Brexit led to the waste of millions of daffodil flowers.

“Anyone blaming Brexit can safely be ignored as an enemy of the people,” he told a meeting of Patriotic Conservative Growers and Dealers. “We all know that to grow any flower successfully in the spectrum of British sunlight requires the colours of the Union Jack.”

He went on to explain that had the hapless floriculturists simply bothered to take the time “to plant red, white and blue daffodils, planted to mirror the Union Jack” the harvest would have been full of “Brexit triumph. And basically blessed by God. Who is still an Englishman. You can ignore reports he has taken German citizenship.”

What the farmers will make of his comments isn’t yet clear, but many are believed to erroneously blame Britain’s headlong crash out of the Brexit gate, during a global pandemic, is the cause.

“There’s plenty of unemployed laying about our towns and cities,” the Baron continued. “Children. Children need to find work young in Brexitannia and contribute to making a success of the project. Perhaps school one day a week for the poor and good, old fashioned, solid field graft for the rest? Make men of the boys. Get those flowers harvested!”

And the Tory MP isn’t alone in his criticism of farmers, no less than five village idiots have raised their voices in support.

“I’m a little disappointed in the British idiots if I’m honest,” he told LCD Views. “I expected every single one of them to come out in support.”

But all is not lost.

“Next year the farmers will have an opportunity to grow daffodils. I suggest the pick the packers with the Union Jacks on them. Those will be the best.”

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BREAKING Downing Street – PM “hiding in fridge”

SAFE SPACE : So Called Prime Minister Boris Johnson was said to be “curled up in foetal position with toilet paper in his ears” in the wake of the police action at the Clapham vigil last night.

The Prime Minister is said to have been “already jolly on Bollie” when the drama occurred last night, “having watched the future Queen attend the peaceful vigil” and then preceded to get hammered believing the situation in Priti Patel’s capable hands.

“It wasn’t until he finally staggered out of bed this morning around 11am, scratching his torso and shouting for a Bloody Mary (to relieve his world beating hangover) that he found out what happened later in the evening,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views.

It is reported (unsubstantially) that aides had tried to arrange a rapid overseas min-break for the PM the moment he awoke, but his plane was “out of service being serviced after returning with an absolute truckload of bargain basement PPE from a Far Eastern hotel room.”

The PM is said to have taken the news badly, slumping on the floor, groaning and attempting to crawl into his panic fridge with “Dylin the prop dog jumping his right foot”.

“I’m just sorry we couldn’t get him overseas before he found out about the heavy handed police action. He’s now got to deal with Patel wanting reassurance her Gulag Bill will still have his support in Parliament tomorrow.”

The Gulag Bill will prevent a repeat of the drama by making all protest illegal and ensuring a “happy Brexitannia with no dissent at all”.

“I blame the women involved. They should have waited until he was on holiday like when the London riots occurred when he was Mayor,” the source added. “Or at least dress up as football fans with Saint George flag? If you don’t want to get kettled to prevent you catching the virus you have to at least try and look patriotic.”

Efforts are continuing to coax the PM out of the panic fridge with “his favourite caviar and a Hugh Hefner impersonator on hand to lend reassurance.”

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Johnson says big drop in exports is because “we’re no longer exporting our sovereignty to Europe”

WHO NEEDS TRADE : “Recent unpatriotic reports in some treasonous publications appear to be causing minor alarm amongst the right thinking people of Global Britain. This will be dealt with swiftly and decisively”, so begins the latest directions emanating from 10 Downing Street, as famous liberal Boris Johnson goes from strength to strength establishing an autocracy.

The concern in particular appears to be that some so called journalists have attempted to highlight a minor dip in trade, which is all the result of the pandemic and nothing to do with Brexit.

“As Brexit only increases the sovereignty of the United Kingdom, therefore it follows that the rumoured decrease in exports of UK goods and services to the failing continental mainland is the result of the pandemic” the missive continues. “Ensure all sock puppets and media stooges report this correctly. The beatings will continue until trade improves.”

Whether or not the fact that 10 Downing Street chose to bungle its response to the pandemic, and thus inflicted the greater than necessary damage to UK trade as a result, is not discussed.

“If bad actors continue to point out that exports have dropped off a cliff because of the choices of the government we will have no recourse but to close down all media except the state broadcasting service,” the order goes on. No surprise there.

“Up and until that point please explain to any persistent naysayers and gloomsters that the drop in UK exports is because we no longer export our sovereignty to Europe. We keep it all at home we’re no one can do anything with it.”

Message ends. Enjoy the spring patriots. May I suggest you plan some turnips.

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Government science group report British sunlight is the full spectrum of colours “red, white and blue”

BRITISH SUNLIGHT : It has long been known that God is an Englishman, this is so self evident that no further explanation is required, but what of course of the works of God? Such as Brexit? Such as sunlight?

Happily a Boris Johnson initiative has the answer. An until now secret science project (although taxpayer funded from the start) has reported its findings after an exhaustive study of the sun.

“Clearly sunlight is British,” Professor Wantfungle tells LCD Views in an exclusive. “We had that hypothesis, and just like the benefits for trade that naturally flow from Brexit, we set out to prove it.”

And prove it the Professor and his colleagues did.

“We’ve already established British water, British wind, British sprouts, British spirit, just a whole raft of matters have been resolved to be British and superior. But what about sunlight? The answer is easy. It’s also British. We proved this by studying the light spectrum that comprises sunlight.”

In order to do the study the Professor had to go the extra mile both metaphorically and on a plane.

“Obviously there’s not hours of sunlight over Britain to complete the work, so we undertook the study in the Pacific. And the results were very satisfying. The full light spectrum makes up British sunlight. It’s comprised of red, white and blue.”

The next problem the team will work on is how to retake control of British sunlight.

“For far too long foreigners all over the world have taken advantage of our outward looking and generous nature as a nation and used more British sunlight than we do ourselves.”

This is a problem everyone can notice just for themselves by looking outside pretty much any day of the year in the United Kingdom.

“We will take back control of the sun,” the Professor concludes. “And then we will ram the entire UK right into the face of it.”

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Government to introduce applauding cash machines for nurses

IF YOU’RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT: Talk is cheap, and so is applause. So in lieu of a decent pay rise, nurses will in future be able to access their claps at ATMs everywhere.

This latest stroke of genius is the work of Matt Hancock’s office. The principle is simple. You insert your card as usual. Then select the quantity of applause you desire. The machine will applaud you as long as you have enough clap credit.

The machines will be developed by a chap who drinks at Hancock’s local, the Cock Up. An endless supply of cash has been promised to him, which is why the government can’t award any more money to the NHS.

Nurses are of course overjoyed. “To be honest, this matters more than money to me,” boasted suspicious Twitter account @FayeKingitt. “I’m happy to work for nothing, and so are all my friends, so long as the applause keeps coming! See you on the wards!”

There was a pile-on, but before @FayeKingitt could reply, she somehow deleted her account. But suspiciously similar messages appeared from suspiciously similar accounts. So that’s all good and genuine, then.

Some supermarkets are helping out. Special “Nurses only” shopping hours are offered after normal closing time, so that nurses may buy up all the cheap out-of-date food that would have gone in the skip anyway. Store managers will take it in turns to applaud the exhausted shoppers, claiming overtime for it of course.

As a special bonus, shops have agreed to raise the price of nurses’ food by no more than 2.1%.

The machines will be installed by the Serco track & trace team. This is down to their world beating success at extracting huge sums of public money on a vague promise to ‘do something useful with it’. 

The applause dispensers will cease operation when compassion fatigue sets in.

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Patriotic retailers ordered to stock Union Jack paint

PAINTING THE TOWN RED, WHITE AND BLUE: To give the country a much-needed Brexit boost, shopkeepers must now stock patriotic paint. Spirits must be kept up at all times!

Union Jack paint will remind customers that they are lucky Brits, and to take pride in their identity. Not like the unfortunate EU citizens, with their well-run economies and their woke approach to education and human rights. We are British, and the British are best!

Out will go magnolia. There will be no more white gloss (except in the completely non-racist, but… newspapers). Red, white and blue will be everywhere. Every house, every car, every item of clothing will bear Union Jack branding. Anyone not deemed patriotic enough will be forced to wear a yellow star (on a blue background).

Supermarkets will no longer offer Nectar Points, or anything similar. Instead Patriot Points will be available for anyone buying Union Jack branded goods. If you save enough points, then you will be eligible to claim your FREE Happy British Whelk!***

As usual, there are those few traitors who carp and complain.

“Nobody has even mastered the production of striped paint yet,” said an incredulous Payne Troller. “Surely this can’t be true! Not even our government is that stupid!”

Troller was removed by Priti Patel’s Thought Police, made to wear a whole 12 yellow stars on a blue background, and deported to reality.

In response, Patel herself took to the rostrum, all 5 foot nothin’ of her, in full dominatrix gear, and brandishing a cat o’ nine tails.

“Moanin’ will not be tolerated!” she screamed venomously. “You must believe! We are bringin’ in alternative arrangements, and a technological solution, and levellin’ up, and strainin’ every sinew, and you WILL buy this paint, or there will be consequences!”

Nobody dared to contradict her. She glared at her audience, cracked the whip threateningly, and clattered away angrily.

Better go and buy some paint, then.

***subject to the continued existence of a fishing fleet

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FURY in DOWNING STREET – urgent INQUIRY launched AFTER discovery EU has NOT collapsed YET

WHAT WILL IT TAKE : DOWNING STREET was said to be in a febrile state today after the SHOCK discovery that in spite of Brexit the EU has yet to collapse.

“The Prime Minister himself is said to have ordered an URGENT INQUIRY into why the EU still exists, even after Brexit,” our Westminster correspondent reports. “The prevailing belief that the rogue trading union of peaceful nations would immediately fall to quarrelling and disunity WITHOUT BRITISH LEADERSHIP at its core is said to be SUDDENLY in question.”

What more can be done to cause the EU to fail WITHOUT BRITAIN is said to be in the scope of the inquiry and ANSWERS are needed and FAST.

“It’s not cricket,” a Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “We’re doing everything we can to destroy ourselves, why are the stubborn Europeans not playing their part?”

It is further suggested that Mr Johnson will PERSONALLY begin drinking without cessation until the inquiry reports its findings. The understanding being you can’t do this sort of thing sober.

It’s believed no less famous a research institution than the ERG will be consulted, as they have spent years “apparently researching Europe at the taxpayers expense” and must know just lots of things.

“If the EU persist in still existing without us we will have to step up our self-destruction a few years,” the source adds. “We’ve pretty much done for manufacturing and export. Daffodil farmers and fishermen are stuffed. About the only thing left to trash is the Union Jack. But if we have to we will pull it into it’s component parts and see how the recalcitrant EU likes that!”

The findings of the inquiry are due by the weekend. The results will be written in large font on one side of A4 paper.

“The prime minister is expected to dress up as a builder when he’s handed the piece of paper. Following that he won’t be bothered to read it and will just sit there punching himself in the nuts.”