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Health Secretary Hancock’s claim “entire British population of Mars” has now been vaccinated queried

HAND ON STAFF : THE INGERLISH HEALTH SECRETARY, MATT HANCOCK, has come in for some flak this morning after claiming that due to the successful landing of the NASA Perseverance Rover overnight on the red planet that the “entire British population of Mars” has now been fully vaccinated.

The health secretary made the otherworldly claim during a tearful turn on morning television.

“I’m just so proud. I want to thank the entire team at Downing Street for making this possible,” Mr Hancock said, tissue dabbing at tears. “British people on Mars can now go about their business as before. And it’s only year three of the pandemic.”

But critics have demanded clarification on the claim.

“One dose or two?” one prominent media figure correctly and justifiably demanded, before returning to his obsessive and baffling crusade against a former royal who lives on the other side of the world.

Others were demanding to know what the actual British population of Mars is? In order to correctly assess Hancock’s claim.

“I would suggest that those who are seeking to undermine the government’s achievements on Mars take a good, long, hard look at myself in the mirror,” Mr Hancock spat back, presumably because that query was made by a lady.

The prime minister Boris Johnson is also expected to capitalise on NASA’s achievements by having photos taken by the rover doctored to show him visiting a vaccination centre on Mars and interrupting an entire day’s vital public health work.

“Boris Johnson should see a nice boost in the polls from NASA’s efforts,” another commentator noted. “Because apparently you can have successive waves in a pandemic, while many countries haven’t, and still get a poll boost from the people left alive. Exceptional effort.”

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The swastika is a religious symbol, says Jacob Rees-Mogg

PEACE AND LOVE: Lightweight intellectual Jacob Rees-Mogg wants to reclaim a famous symbol. It is most unjust, he says, that the woke left should wish to cancel our history.

“The swastika is actually a religious symbol,” declared Rees-Mogg in his traditional lofty manner. “It represents one’s well-being and good fortune. It should not be cancelled by do-gooders focussing on a very narrow period in the twentieth century.”

Rees-Mogg is of course correct up to a point, but he naturally cancels the fact that association with the Nazis led to the cancellation of the swastika.

“I am cancelling nothing,” responded Rees-Mogg, with that typically condescending note in his voice. “I know the woke community will go mad at this, but the important point is that OTHER people have reclaimed their words, so religious people want to reclaim their symbolism. Not to permit this amounts to racialism!”

This momentous pronouncement led to much frothing at the mouth among the self-righteous right. Many angry column inches were produced, condemning the idea that anyone should wish to throw a statue of Hitler into the sea, although nothing of the kind had been proposed.

Rees-Mogg proposed that the newly recovered swastika be emblazoned on every place of worship, public building, school, and armband. It would form the background for every government minister’s Zoom calls, superseding the Union Jack.

“It’s a matter of historical accuracy,” said Rees-Mogg, totally patronising now. “It is symbolic of the need for the country to come together and work as one. It represents my struggle, rising from humble beginnings to the modest office I now hold.”

You have to admit, he wears his heart, and indeed his symbolism, on his expensively tailored sleeve.

Rees-Mogg further proposed a new office: The Wokefinder General. Anyone proven to be woke will be forced to wear a Saint George Cross, a symbol of the most famous Englishman of all.

And at a stroke, cancel culture will be cancelled.

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Downing Street tight lipped over which minister rushed to A&E with flag pole up bottom

THE DEEPEST PATRIOTISM : 10 DOWNING STREET is under pressure today to reveal the name of the minister rushed to a central London accident and emergency department early this morning following an incident with a flag.

It’s believed the individual concerned suffered internal injuries, which are not thought to be life threatening, while preparing for a round of media interviews. The injury involved a Union Jack flag and pole.

“We request the media refrain from speculation over the identity of the minister involved and respect their privacy at this time.”

Some details however have been leaked and it is believed the minister “tripped and fell onto their flag pole while holding a block of butter in the shower during vacuuming of the flag so it wasn’t dusty for interviews that will be televised. The MP concerned was engaged in the standard patriotic preparation for media that all MPs are expected to undertake so no one can mistake how deep their patriotism is.”

Injuries involving flag poles in the home are becoming so frequent that 10 Downing Street is expected to set up a special task force to advise on how best to avoid them in the future.

But internal critics of the idea have hit back at the PM’s plans.

A member of the Rectal Research Group, or RRG, said “we didn’t leave the European Union just to bring in more red tape dictating where Tory MPs can insert flag poles. If a patriotic minister wants to physically express their love of Queen and country than that is their god given, time immemorial right as an Englishman to shove their flag wherever they like. Just so long as the butter is British.”

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Tories to win the war on “woke” by being even bigger bigots than before

WHAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF AWAKE : Britain’s famous liberal prime minister has a culture war to win or he risks losing the support of the intellectual and cultural heavyweights that comprise the modern day Conservative and Unionist Party.

“We’re the real victims here,” an aide to the prime minister told LCD Views. “We have pretty much total compliance from commercial media, the BBC is riddled with our plants, we’ve only an 80 seat majority and a Parliament so toothless it keeps extracting its own teeth and handing them to the executive, the official opposition won’t even talk about Brexit as they also bizarrely voted for it, and we really don’t know where to turn for support.”

And support is needed as the party that has been in power now for over a decade needs allies in its culture war, or there’s the risk a statue of a slaver may get pulled down.

“Between you and me though we don’t really want to win the war on woke, just a series of battles over and over. If we don’t have people arguing over intangibles, sufficient to obscure the national landscape, people may start to ask how a party that oversaw one of the world’s worst avoidable pandemic death tolls should get to carry on in power?”

But thankfully they do have a strategy and it’s likely to be a successful one.

“You see what we’ve done to asylum seekers? You see how we’ve been allowed to get away with it? That’s key. We’re going to be even bigger bastards. Even bigger bigots than before. And the confused people of Brexitannia are going to go along with it. There is no one we won’t persecute to stay in power. And with our willingness to pass laws to enforce compliance of thought, you’re all going to love it.”

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U.K. won’t publish impact assessment of deal with EU as it can no longer afford the paper to print it on

LORD PENNYWISE WILL SEE YOU NOW : Downing Street has caved today and come clean over the reason for its reluctance to publish the impact assessment on Boris Johnson’s world beating trade deal with the EU. You know it. It got Brexit done.

“Are you insane?” a Downing Street staffer told LCD Views. “It’s a horror show. Fishing is stuffed, like so fast, even before we can get away from the scene of the crime. Financial services, our economy’s GOLDEN GOOSE, are going to migrate to the EU and New York until there’s not even an iron pyrite duckling left. Forget farms. Don’t even think about the entertainment industry. Law and order? Ha! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!”

But while the people responsible on the British side for the negotiating positions that saw the deal birthed like a malformed turd from the devil’s backside maybe confident of making a success of it, not everyone shares their optimism.

“WHY NOT?” the staffer demanded, now trembling on the floor, arms around their knees and rocking.

“We can’t tell the great British people what they voted for as it’s a flaming disaster. Let them find out. If we can keep the pandemic going for the next decade then THEY NEVER NEED TO KNOW ANYWAY!!!! Please. Can I have a pony? I want to ride a pony. By the seashore. Sheesure. NEYYYYYY!”

Eventually though, the truth has to come out, regardless of the madness that caused it.

“We can’t publish the impact assessment. We can’t afford the paper its printed on. We gave all the money to mates of Matt Hancock and Dominic Cummings for non-existent PPE! Seashells by the seashore. SHE SHELLS PPE BY THE SEASHORE.”

We thought it best to leave him to it.

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Downing Street leak reveals Boris Johnson’s nickname is “Little Boot”

MAGNUS PUNGIT : THE WESTMINSTER BUBBLE IS IN A SATISFIED FRENZY THIS MORNING after Boris Johnson’s nickname was finally leaked to the press.

“Shortly before 6am this morning an aide walked out of the famous front door at 10 Downing Street carrying a wad of A4 papers under their arm with the top sheet plainly visible for the waiting cameras,” our Westminster correspondent reports. “As the cameras flashed the revealing leak was captured for all to see.”

And it wasn’t hard to determine what the message was.

“Boris Johnson’s nickname with the staff is Little Boot. That’s exactly what it said.”

The nickname itself reveals much about the prime minister’s style of governance and future direction of travel.

“It is especially fitting because yesterday he made one of his favourite horses a senator,” our correspondent continues. “Unelected bureaucrat LORD David Frost becoming a full cabinet minister is one of the cherries on the Brexit cake. This is what is meant by take back control.”

It’s believed Mr Johnson will continue in this throbbing vein and is shortly to make mentioning a goat in his presence a crime punishable by a beating with an iron stick. He will also be ordering men with thicker hair to shave it off.

“He will also, like his famous namesake, order a bridge built purely to satisfy his ego, regardless of the cost to the poeple, and continue to dress up in outlandish costumes, just because he can. Actually governance appears to be nowhere on the list. But drinking dissolved pearls at his lavish banquets is already happening.”

10 Insane And Perverse Things Attributed To Caligula | Learnodo Newtonic (learnodo-newtonic.com)

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Gavin Williamson bans university students from singing “Hitler Has Only Got One Ball”

FREE SPEECH CHAMPIGNON : Britain knows what to censor and when to censor it and no one in Britain knows better than the Secretary of State for Education Gavin Williamson.

And as the UK moves into the future, post Brexit, it needs to ensure that people have not just the right words to speak, but the right thoughts too. Which is why Mr Williamson is getting tough with those hotbeds of wrong thought, the universities.

“We were able to deal with the issue of freedom of speech in primary schools easily enough,” an aide to the Education Supremo told LCD Views. “The only history you’re free to speak is history that makes the UK look good. This is what freedom to speak is about, it’s the freedom to speak what you’re allowed to. It’s like any other freedom, it has limits. Like a speed limit. Young children will talk properly when they grow up now because they only learn about WW1 and WW2 and they learn it relentlessly. But universities are a trickier customer. Happily Gavin is up to the task.”

And to prove where he is at with those that would undermine the glorious future of post Brexit UK Mr Williamson is getting those scruffy hippy students by the scruff.

“He’s starting off with banning songs that undermine the underlying political philosophy of Brexit. Brexit is inherently fascist. That means fascism is now good. Just look at our pandemic management if you doubt it? See those DNR orders go on all those files. And universities are the next battleground.”

There will be a list of songs that it is okay to sing, but there is one song that is definitely out.

“Hitler Has Only Got One Ball can no longer legally be sung. Because if we’re going to replay the 1930’s thanks to Brexit, as we are determined to, you’ve got to know which side we’re now on.”

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Wetherspoons closes after customers offered British shellfish instead of foreign cod

FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS:  Wetherspoons, the popular budget shithole for undiscerning Brexiters, has been forced to close. This is a result of people power. Democracy is alive and kicking.

Brexity ‘Spoons supremo Tim Martin has broken cover recently to complain about his profits. In an effort to back Brexit, he decided to serve Happy British Fish instead of that foreign muck in his pubs. This did not go down well.

“I don’t know much about food, but I know what I like!” bellowed former regular Carl Sberg. ”When I go to ‘Spoons, I want proper fish and chips, not something Frenchy with bleedin’ shells on! I ask you. This isn’t what we voted for!”

Unfortunately Carl, it’s exactly what you voted for.

This was the story up and down the land. Nobody could convince the hardcore ‘Spooners that mussels were, in fact, British, and cod was foreign.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Martin immediately set out on a crusade, to reassure customers that all was well. Unfortunately for him, “More mussels than Brussels!” did not prove to be a winning slogan.

Desperater times call for desperater measures. Martin decided to go on TV and force feed live oysters to his daughter.

Unsurprisingly this didn’t work either, a mutiny by young Miss Martin being a decisive factor.

There was nothing left but to apportion blame. “We used to buy and sell loads of fish, so what has changed?” he bleated. “It’s the evil EU, treating us like the third country we insisted on becoming. Who won the war, that’s what I want to know. Don’t they realise that we are British?”

Nothing to do with the fact that British palates just aren’t, in the main, accustomed to langoustines and other weird seafood.

The only winners are the shellfish. With the fishing fleet entangled in red tape, our crabs and lobsters are grinning from ear to ear. Well they would be if they had ears. And if they could grin.

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Downing Street to present universities with a copy of British history carved in stone

LAND OF DOPE AND TORY : WE BRITS KNOW ARE HISTORY. WE KNOW WE INVENTED CIVILISATION AND DEMOCRACY. We don’t need some cloistered boffin to come along and upturn the BRITISH apple cart.

Downing Street is going to protect ARE history after fifth columnist, traitor subversives have been noted suggesting such scandalous things such as “maybe we shouldn’t celebrate slavers quite so much?”

“We’re not having that!” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “If we allow that some very heavy hitting Tories may come under pressure to pay reparations from all the slaver’s wealth they inherited. We’re not having that either!”

It seems the best way to prevent that is to wage a culture war and if you’re having a war you need a “Free Speech Champion” to wage it.

Clearly then you need Gavin Williamson to draw up the legislation for it. You need a petty little bully if you’re going to have a petty, little war to distract from the very heavy issues inherited from our history.

“Gav will sort this right out. He’s having British history engraved on a block of stone. Several stones actually. A lot of stones. We like megaliths. We like them standing where everyone can see them. So it’s a natural move to engrave the only acceptable version of British history the law will soon allow onto stones. Then to force universities to display them prominately.”

But what will be engraved on the stones?

“Two world wars, one world cup and part of a vaccine! What else is acceptable or necessary in an understanding of British history?”

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Who is PM while Johnson is playing dress up? Study reveals no one in UK knows

THEY SEE HIM HERE THEY SEE HIM THERE : An in depth and broad ranging fabricated study on UK attitudes has revealed no one actually know who is the British Prime Minister.

While most erroneously believe Boris Johnson fulfils the role, the evidence is mounting that he does not. Not only because of the disastrous mismanagement of the Brexit process and the world beating pandemic death toll.

“Mr Johnson spends every day dressed up as a different fictional character,” the lead researcher told LCD Views, “butcher, baker, candlestick maker, he covers them all, but he’s never dressed as a prime minister. It’s clear he has no interest in that function, merely holds the title for someone else. And even when he appears in the uniform of a politician, it is evident from his hair that he has spent numerous hours in make-up beforehand. It’s just more role playing.”

The researchers did suggest though that it’s clear someone is directing operations, but it must be someone who is not exactly well disposed to the country.

“Rupert Murdoch is a likely candidate, he is unofficially the UK’s longest serving PM after all. Looking at the state of the country, perhaps Vladimir Putin?”

But when the public was asked most decided it was Dominic Cummings, still directing proceedings behind the scenes.

“We don’t believe that. We all know he is a genius and a superforecaster. For the country to be in such a rotten state and a genius behind it, directing events from the shadows while Johnson screws up a day’s work in a medical laboratory? It’s just too fanciful. There are currently too few three word slogans being produced daily, for a start.”