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UK schools to close on March 9

HEALTH AND SAFETY GONE MAD: Schools are perfectly safe, claims the man who opened them just to close them all one day later. So the news that schools must reopen on 8 March inevitably means a shutdown on March 9.

“We are Following The Science on this matter,” claimed the ubiquitous unnamed Westminster source. Trouble is, that’s a lie, and The Science has taken to giving the government a good slap as punishment.

Risk assessments have been prepared diligently. Some run to fewer pages than the average customs declaration for a consignment of fresh seafood. But they all say that a school full of children is one of the most effective ways to spread a virus.

This fact is totally off-message, and therefore may be ignored.

“I prefer to look at it this way,” said Vaccines Minister Nadhim Zahawi, struggling with his word salad. “I have been entirely clear about this. Errm… errrrmm… yes, over 50s will have been mostly partly vaccinated some time in April, possibly, which means schools are safe in March, it’s well known that March 8 is the safest day of the year, science must be made to follow policy, I fancy some toast, where’s my flag gone, erm… oh, look, a squirrel…”

Totally reassuring.

“If you want more information, ask the Education Secretary!” he said in a sudden burst of deflection. “He’s got a whip and a spider, he will put you in your place!”

The minister tried to cut the call, but merely succeeded in turning himself into a cat. The cat was later seen chasing a squirrel around the neighbourhood.

Once again, children and teachers will be the guinea pigs in a herd immunity experiment. It didn’t go well last time, so the same experiment is being conducted again but with different success criteria.

If anyone finds a neutered male cat, with a fondness for computers and flags and answering to the name of Nadhim, wandering in the vicinity, please return him to Mrs Zahawi at number 59.

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Boris Johnson to tunnel under EU trade rules and appear like magic on the other side

SPOON FOR A SHOVEL : Some people dream small and accomplish small things. Some people dream big, very big, and accomplish nothing. Luckily for Global Britons their prime minister Boris Johnson is a big dreamer.

“But the EU isn’t so fortunate,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “They have to deal with the result of Johnson’s big dreams. And they best watch out because when it comes to giant schemes Boris punches above his weight.”

And the latest wheeze, rolled out by chance over the weekend, when not enough focus was on whether or not Matt Hancock should resign, concerns the EU directly.

“They’re so boring. They insist on thinking the way to get a multi-nation union to work together is constant agreement on a shared set of rules and values. Whereas Boris knows it’s acquisition of executive power, bullshit and silencing of dissent that does it. But they don’t learn. They keep banging on about rules for this and rules for that. They’re quietly decimating our export industries. The big girly swots. Johnson has a plan though to get under all that. They won’t see it coming, because they don’t read or speak English. We all know that.”

The details of the latest plan to distract from a minister who should be sacked haven’t yet been fully worked out, but what is known is that Britain is building. Britain is digging and it’s going to keep digging.

“Johnson is personally going to break ground on a tunnel that will take British exports directly under all those boring EU trade rules. The great mole is going to show them, or rather, not show them.”

And where does the tunnel end? What’s on the other side?

“Boris Johnson is on the other side! Once he finishes digging he’ll pop up like magic on the other side of the EU trade rules and all our exporters will magically follow him.”

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U.K. government minister now the most secure form of employment possible

BOB A JOB : A DEEP STUDY THAT PROBED THE CREVICES AND DEPTHS OF THE U.K. LABOUR MARKET HAS CONCLUDED THAT BEING A SECRETARY OF STATE IN BORIS JOHNSON’S GOVERNMENT IS CURRENTLY THE MOST SECURE FORM OF EMPLOYMENT POSSIBLE.

”It beats being any other public sector worker hands down,” Mr Jizzphang, lead researcher at Wall Paint Study Forum told LCD Views. “It used to be that being a minister was very insecure. You could be in the door one day and out the door the next. But not now. Now it’s essentially a free for all. Break any law you like. Be as incompetent and malicious as you like. Ministerial code of conduct? Ha! That’s for idiots. Nothing is getting you fired. Don’t sweat it. The majority of the media will have you back too. And laughably, the official opposition won’t even go for you. It’s watertight.”

The underlying reason for the strength of employment protection was put down to Brexit.

“Brexit is going to make masses unemployed and impoverished. Only to be expected, given its a mass transfer of wealth and power to an autocratic state. But Secretary of State? Do you support Brexit? You’re sound. Don’t sweat it. The PM needs all the human shields he can get, and you’ll be very well rewarded.”

Further reinforcement is provided by the personality of the prime minister himself.

“He has zero behavioural standards, therefore he’ll encourage the worst in his underlings and reward them for it with his protection. It’s a positive feedback loop that helps Johnson psychologically shield himself from awareness of his ineptness and depravity. Exceptionally symbiotic. Just not for the general public. But who cares?”

But while being in the ministerial car maybe secure it is surprisingly not the most profitable in filthy lucre.

“It’s not the most lucrative. No. That’s PPE supply to the U.K. government. Just phone up Matt Hancock.”

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Matt Hancock to be government Transparency Minister

CLEAR AS MUD: Now the court case that has cleared up government opaqueness is over, naughty Matt Hancock is to get a new job. 

His decision to reveal information on the public interest, when finally obliged to by a court of law, and only six months later than he should have done, means that he is the best man for the job. 

The logic is impeccable. The anti-corruption champion is married to the utterly corrupt Dido Harding. The Clandestine Channel Threat Commander is believed to be a pirate. The most responsible job in the country is held by the most irresponsible man imaginable. It follows that the Transparency Minister should be a man who, the court proved, concealed information illegally. 

Awarding an important role to somebody totally unsuited to it is nothing new, but the current government has elevated the practice to world beating new heights. 

Yes, it’s Matt Hancock, the man who cares so much about NHS workers that he gave them all a badge once. And clapped for them. But never shook the magic money tree in their direction. 

Oddly enough, Hancock instead watched squillions of pounds flutter gently into the capacious pockets of sundry Tory chums and sycophants, racing fraternity mates, and acquaintances from his local pub. 

It’s clear there has been a misunderstanding. Little Matt has been working night and day, straining every sinew, tirelessly fighting the War On Coronavirus. He can be forgiven for his occasional mistakes, and it’s clearly not cricket for the courts to disclose them. 

So, even though he has no spare time whatsoever, Hancock has another responsibility. He will ensure that glass ceilings become concrete, waters are muddied, and government websites crash as soon as they go live. 

Democracy, clarity, accountability. These words now mean the exact opposite of what they should. And the snotty news media should remember which side they are on, and wave the flag for Britain! 

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Matt Hancock to escape prosecution because he only broke the law in a specific and limited way

NOW YOU SEE IT, NOW YOU DON’T: Or in other words, using the Brandon Lewis defence. Lawbreaking is fine so long as you only break one at a time. 

“I’m totally convinced that this is a one off oversight,” wrote the Daily Mail, in a tiny corner of the Fuck It’s Real News Better Print It Then section, hiding it next to the small ads, and burying it beneath 743 pages of irrelevant speculation about the Royal Family. 

Other patriotic papers behaved in likewise fashion, the Daily Express excelling itself by blaming the EU and Jeremy Corbyn for Hancock’s blunder. 

“Breaking the law in a specific and limited way is a euphemism, of course,” explained legal eagle Bill O’Rights. “It admits the offence, but mitigates it by pointing out that the offender merely broke the law, and didn’t then go full Boris.” 

Going full Boris, is that an official legal term? 

“No, the phrase is specifically limited to private conversation,” said O’Rights. “It means as well as breaking the law, you get hammered and brag about it to all your mates. Then on the way home you pour petrol onto it, set light to it, and try to extinguish the flames by urinating on it. Then all round to Pongo Hyphen-Hyphen’s place for a night of drugs and debauchery.” 

There’s still time for Hancock to foul his own nest. In which case, he is liable to be pulled up by his House Master, and given a severe wigging. 

Given that Hancock’s boss is Boris Johnson, and that going full Boris is therefore jolly good, absolutely spaffing, it is likely that Hancock will go unpunished. After all, it’s only a little rule he broke, written by lefty traitors to protect the plebs. It’s on a level with goosing the school nurse during nit inspection week. 

In fact, Hancock should be rewarded for being forced to come clean. Think of his mental health!

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Matt Hancock pays Dido Harding another £22bn to set up track and trace on Mars

MADE ROUND TO GO AROUND : PLANETS ARE ROUND. MONEY IS ROUND. MATT HANCOCK IS WELL ROUNDED. DIDO HARDING HAS SPENT HER CAREER GOING AROUND AND AROUND, FIRST THE RACE TRACK AND THEN THE CORPORATE BOARDROOMS. THE TWO WENT AROUND THE TEST AND TRACE SWEEPSTAKES TOGETHER AND NOW THEY’RE GOING AROUND AGAIN.

“Is the Loch Ness Monster actually on Mars? Is that why we can’t find it?” an aide to super duo Matt and Dido asked LCD Views. We don’t know why, it’s not like we’d know.

But discovering the answer maybe one of the fringe benefits of the latest evolution of the UK’s world beating Test and Trace wealth creation scheme for friends of Tory MPs.

“Matt has asked Dido to set up the gold standard Test and Trace network on Mars. It will be a global first. Britain, thanks to Brexit, will be showing the world how to track any pandemic you like on the Red Planet. It is expected to be up and running before anyone ever gets there!”

Who will do the actual testing and tracing isn’t entirely clear, as it will be carried out by a bewildering web of multi-nationals with no experience in the area, but great contacts in government.

“There will actually be performance standards written into the contract this time too. We’re responding to criticisms. We expect the new outsourced network to find as many, or maybe more, cases as they did in the UK over the course of the pandemic. So none. Ramped up nothing. Money well spent.”

But how much will this all cost?

“The landing craft will be the cheap part. We aim to come in at the same cost as NASA for Perseverance. So £2.5bn. A fraction of what Dido spent to set up the UK’s track and trace. Then it’s just another £22bn on top of the testing service and whacko! Mates of Tory MPs will be instant multi-millionaires all over again!”

Nice work if you can get it.

“It’s who you know.”

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Prime Minister that illegally prorogued Parliament “just beside himself” over PPE court ruling

OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is said to be beside himself today after the High Court ruled that his Health Secretary Matt Hancock acted illegally in concealing details of multi-million pound PPE contracts.

“Seriously, Boris hasn’t laughed this hard all week,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He was in a right state after making an absolute tit of himself attempting to clean a chair yesterday. This ruling cheered him right up. He found the ruling so funny he pretty much astral travelled.”

While some would have expected the High Court ruling against the government and the Health Secretary to have consequences, they are seen by Downing Street as so naive as to be contemptible.

“The court going as far as to say a minister of state acted unlawfully? So? Johnson and Mogg lied to the Queen and illegally prorogued parliament. And they got to carry on being the government! This is just a joke.”

Mr Hancock appears safe to carry on overseeing the deaths of over 120,000 Britons during the pandemic.

“If you think Mr Johnson cares about accountability you have not been paying attention to the entire career of Mr Johnson. He pretty much broke a rib laughing when Priti Patel was forced to resign by Theresa May. What an idiot! He shouted. I would never do that. This is an opportunity to remind the plebs who rules them. I’m going to make Priti Home Secretary when I become PM, just so everyone knows how much respect I have for them.”

What will happen to Mr Hancock as a result of the ruling seems a foregone conclusion then.

“Absolutely nothing. What signal would it send to the rest of the cabinet if Johnson fired someone for something as insignificant as breaking the law? They’d be sleepless nights. People might think twice before acting unlawfully. The entire modus operandi of his government would be up for question.”

But what would a minister have to do in Brexitannia to get fired?

“Take the piss out of his girlfriend? That’s the red line. He can’t stand all the nagging that happens afterwards. It’s hard enough getting into costume for the important work of photo shoots each day as it is.”

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BBC to begin filming “A Very British PPE Scandal – Matt Hancock” in 2031

AUNTIE SCHTUM : Where lies thrive democracy dies, the political editors at the national broadcaster know this as well as you and I, which is why they are so keen to cover judgement on the PPE contract scandal, after the High Court slammed Health Secretary Matt Mancock.

Billions have been handed over the course of the pandemic by Matt and friends, sometimes to friends of Matt and friends. Is this any way to govern a representative democracy?

“We won’t stand for it. We’re livid. We have a duty to inform and we’re following through on it,” BBC political editor, Mr Tory Plant, told LCD Views. “Lesser, stupid publications like yourself will just mock the government for its apparent corruption, and six figure salary taxpayer funded so called journalists like me for bias. But you’re wrong.”

So wrong are we that the Beeb is planning to film a searing documentary on what Matt Mancock has done with all those tens of billions of public cash.

“We’re getting right on it. Just as soon as we finish wall to wall, 24/7 coverage of Harry and that American and their outrageous attempts to prevent a repeat of Diana’s story.”

We won’t have long to wait for the state funded broadcaster to cover the corruption at the heart of the cabinet and to demand not just answers, but resignations.

“It’s great to pay the public broadcaster’s journalists and executives salaries matching the commercial world. It buys us right into the status quo and we don’t even realise it!”

‘Matt Mancock – A Very British PPE Scandal’ is due to begin filming in 2031.

“That should be long enough for Johnson and his crowd to have cleared out of Downing Street and off into exile in South America. And once the UN peacekeeping force has successfully re-established peace in England, following the Kent border wars of the late 2020’s, we’ll get right on it.”

Remember when politicians used to resign when they ‘acted unlawfully’? Ha! Suckers! Know your place!

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Liz Truss confirms U.K. has applied to join the MTP (Mars Trade Partnership)

TO INANITY AND BEYOND : Hungry Martians need no longer wait for quality British pork and cheese products after Galactic Trade Superhero Liz Truss announced she is going to let them trade with Galactic Britain.

It seems like only yesterday when Liz announced that she was going to allow the Earth based Pacific Trade Partnership accept her application to let them allow us into their club. With the cosmic winds now puffing her sails she’s reaching for the stars.

“Mars is an untapped market for British jams,” an aide to Truss told LCD Views. “It’s not just pork Liz wants to sally forth with, not just cheese in her smile, there’s also our high tech flag industry. Have you ever seen a Martian flag? That’s an untapped market right there that will be worth gazillions.”

And once the U.K. has successfully allowed the Martian Trade Partnership to invite the U.K. to join it’s guaranteed the engorged bloc will grow at rates the failing EU can only look to the heavens and pray for.

“It will take decades, potentially even centuries for the slow moving megalith of Europe to even open negotiations with Mars,” the aide notes. “By the time they begin planning to send an envoy Liz will already have successfully released a press release about a stellar agreement, to be confirmed and renegotiated in short order, with the frozen microbes that exist beneath the sands of the Red Planet.”

But it’s not all smooth sailing. No less a powerhouse than Foreign to Geography Secretary Dominic Raab is thought to be concerned about the overtures by his colleague.

“That’s because he thinks the Red Planet is communist because of the ‘Red’, but we’ll just colour it pink on his map and he’ll believe in short order that it’s a far flung part of the British Empire. Give him a few days and he’ll be suggesting a military partnership giving the U.K. full control of the Milky Way.”

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Health Secretary Hancock’s claim “entire British population of Mars” has now been vaccinated queried

HAND ON STAFF : THE INGERLISH HEALTH SECRETARY, MATT HANCOCK, has come in for some flak this morning after claiming that due to the successful landing of the NASA Perseverance Rover overnight on the red planet that the “entire British population of Mars” has now been fully vaccinated.

The health secretary made the otherworldly claim during a tearful turn on morning television.

“I’m just so proud. I want to thank the entire team at Downing Street for making this possible,” Mr Hancock said, tissue dabbing at tears. “British people on Mars can now go about their business as before. And it’s only year three of the pandemic.”

But critics have demanded clarification on the claim.

“One dose or two?” one prominent media figure correctly and justifiably demanded, before returning to his obsessive and baffling crusade against a former royal who lives on the other side of the world.

Others were demanding to know what the actual British population of Mars is? In order to correctly assess Hancock’s claim.

“I would suggest that those who are seeking to undermine the government’s achievements on Mars take a good, long, hard look at myself in the mirror,” Mr Hancock spat back, presumably because that query was made by a lady.

The prime minister Boris Johnson is also expected to capitalise on NASA’s achievements by having photos taken by the rover doctored to show him visiting a vaccination centre on Mars and interrupting an entire day’s vital public health work.

“Boris Johnson should see a nice boost in the polls from NASA’s efforts,” another commentator noted. “Because apparently you can have successive waves in a pandemic, while many countries haven’t, and still get a poll boost from the people left alive. Exceptional effort.”