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Bust of Kim Jong-un placed on PM’s desk to aid Liz Truss in trade talks with North Korea

ALL TRUSSED UP AND GOOD TO GO : Liz Truss sometimes seems a lonely figure, endlessly travelling the world looking to make some friends, but the PM has made a move today to demonstrate she is not alone.

Prior to her trip to North Korea next week to open trade talks with a “likeminded, Pacific nation neighbour” Boris Johnson has had a bust of the North Korean leader made and placed on his desk.

“It was Dominic Raab’s idea,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He knows how to charm pretty much anyone. That’s what he thinks. As he pays zero attention to any but himself he’s further convinced he’s very good at it.”

The placing of the despot’s bust on the PM’s desk is also seen as a warning shot across the bows of the new US administration.

“Biden doesn’t want to play ball? Well, let’s see how he likes a bust of Kim Jong-un in the background of staged photos of Johnson hard at work in Downing Street. They have to be staged, because he never is.”

Some have suggested though that the bust won’t necessarily help curry favour with the North Korean leader and will be seen as a sign of weakness on the part of the PM.

“That’s nonsense. We’re well on the way to adopting their policies on public protest and free speech. Kim Jong-un will be flattered. Birds of a feather and all that.”

If Liz Truss is successful in her mission to secure a FTA with North Korea it will also silence critics at home over the Johnson regimes loose handling of the public finances.

“Everyone is just lazily assuming we’re buying our extra nukes from the Americans. Pretty ignorant. It’s hardly likely they’ll sell Britain’s Trump additional power of mass destruction! But thanks to Kim Jong-un once having lunch with Matt Hancock back in the early 2000’s, U.K. Gov received a WhatsApp from North Korea inviting us to buy additional thermonuclear PPE on the cheap!”

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January renamed “Johnsonary” in honour of PM’s achievements – rest of world expected to concur

THE END OF TIME : The UK’s last and most impactful prime minister, Boris Johnson, is not content to just change his official title to ‘Caesar’, he is also taking another leaf out of the ancient ruler’s handbook.

“All world kings get to refurbish the calendar, it’s tradition. Why should it be any different for Boris Johnson?” a Downing Street source asked LCD Views.

We couldn’t think of any reason why not, so we agreed.

“Johnson art was the month the Prime Minister technically got Brexit done and freed our glorious country to re-civilise the world once more. It’s only fitting.”

And it’s not just Mr Johnson that Mr Johnson is honouring.

“He’s also renaming other dates in the calendar. September is now Symondsber in honour of his current squeeze. Whether or not she retains the title when he decides to sire another child and moves on is a problem for another day.”

Other key allies also get a look in, with Friday the 13th becoming a public holiday in honour of Priti Patel each time it occurs. Which is nice.

“We’re looking into renaming the days of the week too. The smart money is on selling the honours to Tory donors. Buy a day? What about Monday? Rename it after yourself. Most of them don’t know what to do with the PPE windfalls, so we expect a competitive market.”

What the rest of the world thinks of the PM’s plans isn’t clear though, with some concerned they may refuse to follow suit.

“Why do you think we’re buying extra nukes? The rest of the world will come to heel by next Johnsonary or we’ll ask the Yanks for the codes to the bad boys Johnson is spending the nurses’ pay rise on.”

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English dictionaries to remove the word Conscience

Ever since Samuel Johnson first put pen to paper, dictionaries have been one of the great bastions of the English language, there to help people in all walks of linguistic life.

Obviously modern dictionaries have come a long way since Johnson’s time, innit. Language is continually evolving, and there are many words in today’s dictionaries that Dr Johnson would marvel at, and probably define with the sentence “of this word I know not the meaning” in much the same way as his famous dictionary entry on the word trolmydames, which is underlined in red as I type this and in all conscience I can’t blame the computer!

But as well as being added to, words can occasionally be taken away, and one word I used in the preceding paragraph is going to be removed before too long, namely “conscience”. Other similar words like ethics and morals are also getting the chop, it has been reported.

There are alternative courses of action currently available to lexicographers, and indeed they are considering redefining such words as “those public-spirited characteristics of virtue that separate human beings from politicians”.

The reason for this is obvious. As MPs voted to curtail human rights with the anti-protest bill, the word is clearly alien to them. The prime minister himself, who shares his surname with the first dictionary compiler, has repeatedly stared blankly when asked questions that refer to that quantity and asked for a definition.

Conscience is evidently this Johnson’s version of trolmydames, which, for those of you who are curious, was an indoor bowling game (also spelled trollmydames or troll-my-dames).

Of course, if Johnson is planning on removing from the dictionary all the words he doesn’t understand, then the compilers will be able to print the next volume on a single sheet of paper.

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U.K. to buy 40% more nukes because “we didn’t have enough last time we used them”

BIG BOYS TOYS : The UK’s loaded weapon, Boris Johnson, is in the mood to go shopping. Not for food banks obviously, but for an even greater deterrent to living in the new world he is creating.

The particular item on the shopping list has the potential to degrade life even faster than the policies he and his party have helped bring in since 2010. He’s shopping for more nukes.

“Clearly we don’t have enough of them,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Look at all the attention North Korea has been getting just on the fear of a rogue state maybe possessing one? Imagine the world’s newest rogue nation with hundreds? Everyone will want to talk to us. It’s genius.”

Not being ignored by the other kids in the playground does seem to be the driving motivation. We’ve left the world’s largest trading bloc, and all the promises of a glorious new future now relies on what we can do alone. So we better do something potentially explosive.

“It’s about preparing the U.K. for the maddest of futures. If you don’t like us and what we’re doing look at our nuclear arsenal. Now you’re going to have to talk to us.”

It is clearly a way to also fulfil what appears to be Johnson’s primary directive as prime minister. Spending every last penny of the public purse on things that give his empty, maggot infested inner life a moment of passing pleasure. Nukes aren’t cheap. Much more expensive than nurses.

But there must be a deeper logic? Why do we need hundreds of them when just one has as much destructive power as Brexit?

“Anyone who has been paying attention knows we need to increase our stockpile by 40%,” the source explains. “Last time we got involved in a nuclear war we didn’t have anywhere near enough of them. It makes perfect sense.”

We send £350m a week to the EU, let’s leave and buy nuclear weapons instead. The famous bus has had another update.

“He’s not forgotten the NHS in all this,” the source adds. “A cartoon drawing of a nurse will be painted on every warhead.”

Boris Johnson’s U.K. isn’t MAD, it’s crazy. Money well spent.

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Police told to guard statues in case one of them is a woman pretending to be one

STONE COLD CRAZY: The monstrous regiment of far left militant women must be guarded against. Every statue must be guarded carefully in case dear old Queen Vic turns out to be a killer queen in disguise. 

The public has been put on high alert. The male public, at least. In an update of McCarthy’s ‘reds under the bed’, every man must suspect his wife, sister, mother, daughter, mistress, of being a stormtrooper in stilettos. 

Under new emergency regulations, metallic paint may only be sold to men, and under licence. Street performers will be outlawed. It’s a policy that can’t possibly misfire. 

On the south coast, people were outraged. “This is trendy town, London on sea!” grumbled South Downs stalwart Lewis Sussex. “How will Brighton rock without its statues and street art?” 

In Glasgow the population suffered a sheer heart attack. “There’s no way you can be a tenement funster if all the girls are a potential enemy!” claimed tenement dweller Clyde Bridge. “This is destroying a whole way of life.” 

The brains behind the scheme is the famously world beating intellect belonging to Priti Patel. 

“Dear friends,” started the Prittster, sounding hostile and unfriendly. “This is all because women have been gettin’ ideas above their station. Women should be stayin’ in the kitchen, lookin’ after their families, and keepin’ their big fat gobs shut. No, of course the rules don’t apply to me,” she snapped, dismissing the obvious retort with a flick of the wrist. 

On the positive side, statues reported that they felt much safer.” Now I’m here, think I’ll stay around,” remarked leading statue Stan Donaplinth.” Not that I have much choice about it, but at least I’m no longer frightened of being thrown into the river by a bunch of militant feminists.” 

Who is going to protect us? Ultimately it’s in the lap of the gods. 

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New anti-protest bill needed to stop noisy celebrations over the visible successes of Brexit

PIPE DOWN I’M COUNTING MY BREXIT BENEFITS : The government has been roundly applauded this week (by itself) for the new laws it aims to bring in to clamp down on non-violent protests. As you’d expect in a famous and world beating democracy.

But what has concerned the powers that be is the wide and seemingly unstoppable inaccurate reporting about their motivations.

“Some idiots are suggesting the new anti-protest laws are being brought in because ministers are fed up with having some of the hoi polloi stand around outside parliament exercising their diminishing rights. Clearly it’s not on to question your betters. It is unacceptable to challenge their hypocrisy and lies to their faces. But that is not the reason for the laws. As if someone like Boris Johnson would be bothered by robust and democratic criticism of his numerous failings. It’s just not credible. He’s a famous liberal.”

In order to correct the misunderstandings a sweeping social media and print PR campaign will be undertaken. It won’t just be sock puppet, troll and bought and paid for accounts spreading disinformation either. There will be billboards and speeches from the new £2.6m Downing Street podium.

“Everyone must realise these new laws to crush dissent aren’t about crushing dissent because we have no answer to the dissenters. They’re about trying to keep the noise of all the spontaneous street parties that occur daily celebrating the great success that is Brexit. We don’t like to boast about how superior we are to the Continentals. We like to keep the discussion of Brexit benefits very, very quiet. So quiet you’d think none of them existed.”

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British statues to be given self defence training in case police are too busy

SLAVISH DEVOTION : The government has announced a raft of new measures to protect the necrotising vision of our past as set down in stone and brass.

The new, Statue Self Defence Bill, will allow £350m to be earmarked for the self defence training of British statues. The measure comes as a result of vague threats made to the various inanimate objects dotted about the country, and concern for the emotional wellbeing of the statues. There is no mention in the bill of anything credible to protect actual people.

“We can’t have more slavers thrown into rivers,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “We’re proud of our history, warts and all, which is why we prefer it is taught without the warts. Especially the really giant infected ones.”

The contract for the self defence training is believed to have already been gifted to a friend of a Tory minister, after a high level meeting in a distant hotel room.

Additional funds will also be set aside for the mass production of miniatures of all statues from our nation’s solely glorious past.

“Each home should have a Colston on its mantelpiece,” the source advises. “Get to know your imperial worthies so you instinctively feel protective of the larger ones found in public spaces.”

The first statue to undergo the training will be Winston Churchill.

“He’s been identified as most at risk by assault by women with flowers,” the source adds. “We aim to have him at black belt grade by the weekend. This way if police are too busy ripping the face masks off women after kettling them, solely to protect them from the plague, Winston will be able to chop, block and kick his way to safety from his immortal plinth.”

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Priti Patel to give police personal lessons on bullying to ensure “next time they get away with it”

WEDGIE CENTRAL : The Home Secretary, known in mature Westminster circles as the “Prittster”, is said to be so concerned by the police behaviour at the Clapham vigil last Saturday night that she is to become personally involved in police training.

The decision to get hands on will be welcomed by officers who have come under considerable criticism for what some have viewed as bullying behaviour towards women. The focus has been made sharper by the light touch approach they have previously taken with crowds of football fans.

“Priti is too busy deciding which rights to tear up next to be interrupted from her important work by such irritations as out of control coppers,” an aide to the Prittster tells LCD Views. “She also has a short list of her own staff to bully daily, she doesn’t need the extra work. She’s already refining her techniques to save the public money. You can only have so many six figure pay outs.”

To sort the bullying situation the Home Secretary will give personal classes to the Met officers in how to behave.

“The most important feature of being a bully is not to terrorise people you perceive to have less power than yourselves, although that is very important. The badge of success though is to get away with it. Then you get to do it again. And again.”

The classes will start immediately and any police officer who falls below the standard expected by the Home Secretary will be for it.

“They’ll be locked in a toilet cubicle during lunch break. They will be let out sooner or late, but they’ll be giving a royal flush first. Ms Patel will be hands on with the punishments and the beatings will continue until morale improves.”

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Churchill statue to be blindfolded so women can’t offend it

HOLY FATHER WHO ART ON A PLINTH : Women have been causing trouble ever since they were given the vote but Brexit Britain isn’t going to put up with it!

The government of the Democratic People’s Republic of Brexitannia is taking a positive step today to remind women where they stand in the list of things that are important. It will do this with our greatest national symbol.

“Brexitannia had to co-op all the aspects of our countries long and glorious past and distil them into something that would only make sense to an idiot,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “Unfortunately over recent days too many women are revealing themselves not to be idiots, unless of course they are in government. But we are going to strike back! And strike back fast.”

The form of the response appears to be the decision to blindfold the statue of Winston Churchill so women can’t offend it.

“The offense caused to the statue by the micro-aggressions of protesting women can not be underestimated. Have you seen our latest export figures? Have you heard the rumours of negative interest rates? Do you know of our souring relations with everyone else on planet Earth? This is because women are offending the living statue and the rest of the world isn’t going to stand for it! And neither are we.”

But for those worried about the quality of life of the Winston Churchill statue there is a further measure of reassurance.

“Women will be confined to the home, under curfew, daily at a time to be determined. Presumably at the time the average family normally has its food prepared. During this safe space the statue will have its blindfold removed and a Spitfire paraded before it. By men of patriotic standing. You’ll be able to spot them, they’ll have on St George flag t-shirts and massive beer bellies.”

There are further plans to have women who have offended the statue abase themselves before it. They will be revealed in due course, once the statue has recovered from its recent, traumatic experience.

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Home Office to replace “offensive statue” on top of Old Bailey with one of Priti Patel

THE SCALES OF JUSTICE ARE TILTING : Great news today for the five supporters of the Home Secretary with the announcement that she’s to get her own statue.

The statue will be prominent and highly visible in direct sunlight so no one can mistake it. Clearly as Britain negotiates its way into a new and glorious future on the sunlit uplands of Brexit some updating of the capital’s landmarks is required.

“We’re knocking that boring, outdated statue off its pillar on top of the Old Bailey,” a source inside the Home Office told LCD Views. “Lady Justice has long outlived her usefulness. She hasn’t been required since the result of the criminally corrupted EU referendum was announced back in June 2016. Great thing both main English parties supported the validation of it. Just think where we would be today if someone with massive reach at the time had gone against it?”

The old, yawn inducing statue will be melted down and sold for scrap so that what is happening in practice to law and order in the UK gets a proper and dignified event to celebrate. Bunting will be hung and a Spitfire will flyover the yard where it is melted.

“Immediately after Justice is brought down a new and very shiny statue of Priti Patel will be erected to replace it. You will of course be required to doff your cap whenever you see it, under legislation to be rushed through parliament. Failure to bow your head in obeisance will risk life imprisonment.”

There’s fuhrer good news for anyone worried about the accuracy of Justice’s replacement.

“The statue of Priti Patel will be sold fool’s gold plated, but the neck will be all brass.”

Brexit Britain – break the ministerial code, get rewarded with high office and make a success of it!