LCD Views

THE FAR SIDE OF CREDIBILITY AND BEYOND : NO LESS A SUPERPOWER OF VISIONARY POSSIBILITIES than Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary Dominic “pulsating vein” Raab is rumoured to be pushing to establish a new British colony on Antarctica.

The completely fabricated rumours suggest that Raab is believed to see the possibilities of the United Kingdom becoming self-sufficient in “tropical produce like bananas, passionfruits and teas” just like “all the other countries of the Southern Hemisphere”.

It’s believed Raab got the idea for the project when looking at a FCO map of Antarctica from 1914 and finding the massive southern continent was entirely white.

“It’s a blank canvas,” Raab is rumoured to have declared. “It’s all white. There’s nothing there. We can build whatever we like. We can farm. Fish. Make skyscrapers. We need to get there before the French.”

Clearly also we can “draw whatever lines we like on that map. It will be like the 19th century, the 1920’s all over again. I’m just amazed no one has got there first. Sometimes it takes an Englishman.”

Liz Truss is also believed to support the project, with the suggestion being she sees the possibility of a fully taxpayer funded trade mission to Antarctica and a smashing series of photographs with Union Jacks and “Penguins. Polar Bears. Eskimos. Igloos. The lot!”

It’s further thought that once the garden city is up and running it will attract massive investment and create great demand for British products.

“Mr Johnson will announce a feasibility study shortly,” the source adds. “Just as soon as another corruption and lawbreaking scandal hits the cabinet.”

THERE’S SOMETHING IN THE WATER : The U.K. government is adopting a tough stance against the fledgling US administration of Biden and Harris today after a world beating diplomatic snub.

A cross party foreign affairs committee has been tasked by 10 Downing Street with coming up with a suitable response after the U.K. was not allowed in to the bilateral US and EU talks conducted today.

“Dominic Raab was kept waiting on the Zoom link for hours. He even postponed his mid-morning mindfulness session for it. But he was never admitted. There’s a whiff of a set up about it all. That he was sent the link for just that purpose,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He’s fuming. He had to have his personal physician tap some pressure out of his pulsating temple vein. There was serious risk of brain damage. And he’s suffering from more than enough of that as it is, just by virtue of being who he is.”

And while the EU maybe easy enough for Downing Street to punish, by way of the threat of a ban on mineral water, the US is a little harder to tackle.

“The cross party committee, or Atlantic Bridge as they’re known, are going to come up with several suggestions. But top of the list is a ban on MAGA hats from the US.”

Critics have been quick to point out that such a ban could quickly backfire, as the hats are only popular in the U.K. with fans of Prime Minister Boris Johnson.

“That’s a risk we are prepared to accept. I’m sure once the PM explains his thinking to them in 80’s environmental cliches and pigeon Ancient Greek they’ll get behind him,” the source was confident. “After all, people in America can’t get rid of the hats fast enough now. This will really hurt Biden.”

FORM AN ORDERLY QUEUE : The current British government is notoriously interested in the welfare of lesser nations, so known for it there are occasional murmurs of dissent from the backbenchers.

“Boris Johnson pays them no need. He was born to be world king. A benevolent autocratic ruling over a far flung and peaceful empire. And he will fulfil his destiny.”

And he has help. No less a brain of Great Britain than Liz Truss is by his side, and she is moving forward with the fulfilment of the promise of Brexit.

“Tomorrow morning Liz Truss will formally invite all Commonwealth countries to rejoin the British Empire. India is expected to be first in line with Canada and Australia jostling for second spot. All the other places no one can ever name will be in a wild scrum behind them.”

The plan to reform the Empire, based on the lines drawn on maps in the earlier part of the 20th century, is certain to be a boon for British industry.

“For far too long our colonial subjects have been denied British pork products and British cheese,” Ms Truss will say in an upbeat, but serious tone. “This is wrong. This injustice will end.”

In return for demanding our superior produce the colonies will once again be at liberty to do what they do best.

“They still offer up their sons for our imperial conflicts and give us all the minerals they possess. In return they will become civilised again. It is symbiotic in nature.”

The High Priests of Brexit will of course all be ready to help the countries come home from the wilderness.

“Hannan will be on hand to direct the children of empire where they stand in the colonial structure. Rees-mogg will supply missionaries just in case any have forgotten the wonders of transmutation and servitude to a higher tax avoidance structure. It will all be glorious.”

A spitfire fly passed is planned for midday tomorrow and a mass zoom sing-a-long of God Save the Queen at midday, which will be led by Dylin the prop dog. Get your bunting out and be ready to raise a mug of English tea.

And if you are from a distant land, just know that soon the redcoats will once again be in your towns and streets to offer you a reassuring sight of order, and the correct way to address your superiors.

THE SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP : 10 Downing Street is the epicentre of global statecraft, this much is not a revelation, and neither is it surprising to hear the lengths the new US administration is going to go to to woo Boris Johnson.

“They’ll be stuffed without us. How will they deal with Brussels without the London link?” a 10 Downing Street source said to LCD Views this morning, in an exclusive that left Kuenssberg and Peston floundering.

And to help support the newborn government of Biden and Harris 10 Downing Street has released a photograph.

“This definitely Boris Johnson holding Joe Biden’s hand to help guide him through international statecraft. He’s new to his position. He needs a more experienced hand as he navigates a world of woke anti-intellectualism that threatens just more than statues. Although to be fair, just threatening statues is clearly enough.”

The White House itself is yet to comment on the photograph.

“They’re trying to work out how to praise the image without appearing overly subservient. They do have domestic politics to consider. We understand that.”

But sharp eyed critics on social media have suggested that the photograph looks doctored. A complaint that has been heard before regarding the work of the three taxpayer funded professional photographers employed by Boris Johnson.

“This is par for course. It’s just envy. If you check the timelines of the whiners you’ll see they claim the Moon Landings happened, the Earth is basically a ball, 9/11 wasn’t an inside job and Brexit is a disastrous foreign policy objective. I’d ignore them and the reality they claim to represent.”

The photo will be available to purchase shortly from the 10 Downing Street gift shop on t-shirts, plates, mugs and serviettes.

“This is a piece of history. British Prime Ministers have traditionally put the seal of approval onto new US presidents. There’s no reason for Johnson not to bestow the same validation on Biden. It’s not like it’s well known that he has only disdain for the current occupants of 10 Downing Street.”