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Royal Mail issues postage stamp listing all the honest statements made by the Prime Minister

DO NOT INJEST : THE ROYAL MAIL has weighed in today to assist Britain’s embattled personification of the Tower of Babel with a special collection of new stamps dedicated to the prime minister.

“The new stamps are in a special class of stamp created just to honour Boris Johnson,” a Royal Mail marketing whizz told LCD Views. “These are the first 10th class stamps we have ever issued. They’re pretty much useless.”

The stamps, which are smaller than the famous Penny Black, are the first blank postage stamps ever produced.

“There are rumours that the stamps aren’t blank but have the PM’s honest statements written on them in lemon or some other invisible ink. That is not the case. We have faithfully printed all of Boris Johnson’s honest statements on the stamps, as you can see for yourself.”

The reason for the creation of the special 10th class was also due to the unique nature of the man being honoured.

“His promises aren’t first class, his delivery isn’t even second class. We took inspiration from the monthly grand building project that Downing Street announces to distract from the many scandals accumulating about his cabinet. And the management of the pandemic is really not even 10th class. Unless you’re the actual virus, than I guess it’s first class.”

The stamps too will cost a pretty penny due to the rising costs of the paper they’re printed on.

“The paper for our stamps comes from France. Clearly there’s been some small inflationary pressures since Brexit got done.”

Fittingly also the stamps are not for international use and can only be used to send domestic letters and packages within England.

“You should think yourself lucky that they allow your letter to travel that far! The situation is under review. It maybe soon that you can only use them to send letters to yourself.”

The Boris Johnson stamp collection – in a class of its own, just like the man himself.

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Gavin Williamson to vaccinate all teachers against Communism before Covid

IDEOLOGICAL PROPHYLATICS : EDUCATION WUNDERKIND Gavin Williamson has set himself in the trenches of the culture war against the wrongheaded forces plaguing our great nation that believe you shouldn’t keep up statues of slavers.

He’s there on the front lines of the ideological struggle to keep Britain grating. With his bayonet like mind and the whip he keeps on his desk, just for photos, not because he’s trying to convince the Tory boys and girls that he’s kinky enough to be in their club, he will take the fight to the woke.

But in spite of his valiant efforts to threaten to sue Greenwich Council last year just because the soft underbelly of our society thought sending teachers and students into school with the virus raging was stupid, some are still unable to see what they face in Gav.

“Stop talking to me about vaccinating teachers,” Mr Williamson is expected to tell a press conference later today. “They’ve had nearly a year off. They should all be well rested and ready to get back into the work place. I know this because I am an education specialist who did his time as a second rate fireplace salesman. The attitude of teachers is a bigger scandal than the perfectly sensible policy of saying schools are safe, even while teachers were catching Covid.”

But Willy knows where the threat lies really and he’s ready for it.

“The mighty powers of science marshalled together by Global Britain have developed vaccinations against the pandemic, but that’s not why I’m here today. Shortly 10m students and nearly 1m staff will return to schools in England and we have to be ready for the struggle to win the hearts and minds of the future. We will win this not by vaccinating teachers against the physical virus, but by inoculating those soft layabout lefties against Communism. That’s where the real threat lies. If we don’t act swiftly our children will grow up asking about rebellions and plagues in India in the time of The Raj. And it’s all downhill from there to hammer and sickleville.”

And how is Gavin going to vaccinate teachers against the red menace?

“I have a spider,” he will remind everyone. “I have a spider.”

Are you ready for it? Ready to save capitalism by sacrificing your life to teach fronted adverbials to plague ridden eight year olds in person? If you’re ready Gavin is ready for you.

*terms and conditions apply, it’s not certain everyone will survive.

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Dominic Raab in favour of establishing “new garden city in Antarctica” and exporting to it

THE FAR SIDE OF CREDIBILITY AND BEYOND : NO LESS A SUPERPOWER OF VISIONARY POSSIBILITIES than Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary Dominic “pulsating vein” Raab is rumoured to be pushing to establish a new British colony on Antarctica.

The completely fabricated rumours suggest that Raab is believed to see the possibilities of the United Kingdom becoming self-sufficient in “tropical produce like bananas, passionfruits and teas” just like “all the other countries of the Southern Hemisphere”.

It’s believed Raab got the idea for the project when looking at a FCO map of Antarctica from 1914 and finding the massive southern continent was entirely white.

“It’s a blank canvas,” Raab is rumoured to have declared. “It’s all white. There’s nothing there. We can build whatever we like. We can farm. Fish. Make skyscrapers. We need to get there before the French.”

Clearly also we can “draw whatever lines we like on that map. It will be like the 19th century, the 1920’s all over again. I’m just amazed no one has got there first. Sometimes it takes an Englishman.”

Liz Truss is also believed to support the project, with the suggestion being she sees the possibility of a fully taxpayer funded trade mission to Antarctica and a smashing series of photographs with Union Jacks and “Penguins. Polar Bears. Eskimos. Igloos. The lot!”

It’s further thought that once the garden city is up and running it will attract massive investment and create great demand for British products.

“Mr Johnson will announce a feasibility study shortly,” the source adds. “Just as soon as another corruption and lawbreaking scandal hits the cabinet.”

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Downing Street search for a Brexiter who likes Brexit ends in failure

KARMIC AVALANCHE : NOW THAT THE UNITED KINGDOM IS FINALLY FREE TO TAKE IT’S PLACE IN THE 19TH CENTURY AS A FULLY SOVEREIGN, INDEPENDENT, BUCCANEERING, GLOBAL TRADING, RED TAPE SLASHING, JAM AND PORK PRODUCT EXPORTING, ALTERNATIVE ARRANGEMENTS BORDER MANUFACTURERING SUPERPOWER OFF THE COAST OF CONTINENTAL EUROPE YOU’D THINK EVERYONE WOULD BE HAPPY. Especially Brexiters.

But not so.

In spite of the ferocious analysis, research and preparation for mass manipulation of public attitudes, and some minor electoral crime, in preparation for Brexit, it seems now that we’re free no one is happy with it.

“I’m shocked,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Boris is stunned too. Carrie is rocked. Dylin the prop dog can barely leave the cupboard he’s kept in between photoshoots. It’s all incredibly confusing. Johnson was so concerned he is rumoured to have already asked Gove to set up a unit and find someone, anyone who is happy with it.”

The unit, nicknamed ‘Bollocks’ by SPADS, is said to have been in operation for several weeks already.

“They’ve scoured the land to find ordinary people, business people, MPs even, really anyone prepared to be the face of a mass advertising campaign saying how happy they are with Brexit. Nothing. Nada. Null. Zilch. Zero.”

But in spite of the initial failure in the UK to find someone who is happy, there is a potential line to follow, and not the usual ones for Gove.

“He’s asked the Unit to go to Amsterdam, as soon as the pandemic eases, and interview people there in financial services. He’ll probably find some Dutch that are happy with Brexit. Basically we’ll get a bunch of grinning EU27 people to appear in the campaign. Many of them have seen their business gain exponentially from Brexit. They’ll be happy to tell us how great it is. Then the great British public, especially those famous internationalists who support Brexit, will see how we’ve made a success of it.”

Like everything related to Brexit, this can’t fail.

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Royal Mint produces ONE MILLION pound note – “The Matt”, only for paying for PPE

EXIT VIA THE GIFT SHOP : THE ROYAL MINT has released a new bank note this morning to better assist the Secretary of State for Health and Social Care doing his vital work during the pandemic.

The assistance comes in the form of a new bank note, “The Matt”, which is a one million pound note produced specifically for the purchase of PPE from friends of Matt.

“You won’t get this in your change at the off licence, don’t worry!” an aide to the friendly Health Secretary told LCD Views. “Unless you run a shop next to the home of one of Matt’s friends. Or near to where someone who once spoke kindly to Hancock at a party lives. Then I guess you may have to give change in exchange for a Matt.”

While the new banknote is not the first to be issued in the denomination, it is the first to honour a serving secretary of state.

“Matt is really chuffed. He can now pay for PPE supplies, that may or may not work, with cold hard cash. It’s much nicer. More personal than simply moving figures about on a computer screen from the taxpayers’ bank account to some guy who poured him a pint once.”

But there is some hope for ordinary Britons who worry they’ll never get to hold a Matt in their hands, especially now that he’s such a celebrity befriending him is becoming increasingly difficult.

“All is good time. Once the impact of a lethal and bungled pandemic policy and Brexit flow into the domestic economy you’ll be using Matts to pay for loaves of bread. Wheelbarrows of them.”

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Who needs a roadmap? We’ve got satnav, says Boris Johnson

YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR DESTINATION: Boris Johnson has a technological solution to sell you. A roadmap out of lockdown? No, that’s old hat. We have satnav! Put in your postcode, and keep turning far right.

Except it’s not a postcode you punch in, it’s the date you want lockdown to end. That’s democracy in action!

The technology has been developed by a bunch of well-connected posh boys. It works almost as well as the useless covid app that was developed using the same principle, and costs much, much more. It’s a shame they didn’t ask Fatima to do the job, or even Jennifer Arcuri.

This hasn’t stopped Matt Hancock claiming the credit for it.

But this momentous moment belongs to Boris Johnson, not Hancock. The man who brought you fictional (albeit horribly expensive) tunnels and bridges now wants to drive covid out of town.

“We need to be cautiously reckless,” said a remarkably un-Boris like Johnson at the daily briefing. “Stick to the speed limit, keep your distance, which is still 2 metres by the way, wiff waff, no, sorry, I’m being serious now, mirror, signal, manoeuvre, and pull out!”

 Words to inspire great confidence.

So it’s time to chuck out the sad, coffee-stained roadmap we all have somewhere, and get with the 21st century. The Lockdown Satnav will detect all the bumps in the road that mysteriously appeared after Brexit. It will lead you down all kinds of diversions while the government wants you to look the other way, 

Early prototypes actually speak in Boris Johnson’s voice. “At the vaccination centre, take the second exit, no, the third exit, no, erm, yes, erm, marvellous, tempus fugit old chap, look, I need a power nap, OK?”

Eventually, though, the Lockdown Satnav will do what all satnavs do, sooner or later. It will take you home. Or, in other words, you will be right back where you started.

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“Boris Johnson stole my toupee” – claims golden retriever called Trevor

GET OFF THE SOFA TREVOR : The over excited cocker spaniel of European politics, English Prime Minister Boris Johnson, is facing yet another rolled up newspaper this morning after a disturbing accusation last night that he’s a very bad boy indeed.

The accusation centres on the location of a missing hairpiece belonging to a golden retriever called Trevor. We spoke to Trevor to test the validity of his claims, meeting with him this morning at his 1930’s semi-detached family home in a suburb he preferred was not named.

“I admit I shouldn’t have been where I was at the time,” Trevor began. “I was just over seven miles from home. But I was only out for my exercise, as is allowed under the current restrictions? I mean, I just did what any father would do?”

And it’s at that point we noticed the forlorn collection of puppies by the fireplace in Trevor’s living room. Huddled together for warmth and seemingly happy.

“They spend far too much time these days online playing Bollox, or whatever it is the pups are into now. But I don’t have the heart to limit their screen time in this tantric pandemic. Just so long as they’ve practiced going to the toilet on some newspaper first, and fetched at least one ball, a stick and my slippers. It’s not a free for all.”

But it seems for someone it is a free for all…

“I was at a park I would rather not name when he approached me. Shambling wreck of a man who was running or drunk. It was hard to tell. Or he may have been both, judging by his smell.”

But what makes Trevor certain it was the prime minister?

“He spoke to me in 80’s environmental cliches, something about treehuggers, and Ancient Greek. There’s only one person who thinks that is appropriate. I think I was supposed to be disarmed. He said he just wanted to pat my head. But as he lent down to do it the wind caught his hair and pulled it in all directions. It was obvious then that he was growing it long to cover over a spreading bald patch. It’s why he stole my toupee. His motivation being his mounting insecurity over his own virility.”

Downing Street has not responded to questions over the incident, either to deny or confirm.

“They’ll probably say he was miles away pretending to be a scientist or a doctor? Doing his usual thing of interrupting the work of vital public services instead of his actual job of running the country. But I know it was him. I think he needs to be stopped now before he strikes again. If it were down to me he’d already be listed under the dangerous dogs act.”

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U.K. Gov threatens to halt MAGA hat imports from US after U.K. snubbed at US-EU talks

THERE’S SOMETHING IN THE WATER : The U.K. government is adopting a tough stance against the fledgling US administration of Biden and Harris today after a world beating diplomatic snub.

A cross party foreign affairs committee has been tasked by 10 Downing Street with coming up with a suitable response after the U.K. was not allowed in to the bilateral US and EU talks conducted today.

“Dominic Raab was kept waiting on the Zoom link for hours. He even postponed his mid-morning mindfulness session for it. But he was never admitted. There’s a whiff of a set up about it all. That he was sent the link for just that purpose,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He’s fuming. He had to have his personal physician tap some pressure out of his pulsating temple vein. There was serious risk of brain damage. And he’s suffering from more than enough of that as it is, just by virtue of being who he is.”

And while the EU maybe easy enough for Downing Street to punish, by way of the threat of a ban on mineral water, the US is a little harder to tackle.

“The cross party committee, or Atlantic Bridge as they’re known, are going to come up with several suggestions. But top of the list is a ban on MAGA hats from the US.”

Critics have been quick to point out that such a ban could quickly backfire, as the hats are only popular in the U.K. with fans of Prime Minister Boris Johnson.

“That’s a risk we are prepared to accept. I’m sure once the PM explains his thinking to them in 80’s environmental cliches and pigeon Ancient Greek they’ll get behind him,” the source was confident. “After all, people in America can’t get rid of the hats fast enough now. This will really hurt Biden.”

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Monument to Matt Hancock’s achievements during pandemic placed on College Green

MATT THE APP : GREEN SHOOTS OF RECOVERY ARE ABUNDANT ACROSS ENGLAND’S PLAGUE RAVISHED LANDS TODAY WITH PLANS TO CELEBRATE THE ACHIEVEMENTS OF THE SECRETARY OF STATE FOR HEALTH MATT HANCOCK.

A monument to his achievements during the pandemic is to be installed on College Green so that future generations will know the titanic struggle undertaken by Britain’s greatest ever Health Secretary.

The taxpayer can rest easy too, as the brass statue is being paid for by subscriptions from friends and acquaintances of Mr Hancock who have received PPE contracts.

“The design of the monument is causing quite a stir,” Mr Cashfunnel, head of the committee responsible for the design, told LCD Views. “It is being made entirely of brass, as is traditional for monuments to great men, but it is rather modernist in design. Maybe even post-modernist. But I’ll leave it to the art critics to decide that. My speciality is limited to taking a paper cup factory out of administration and into the production of unusable medical tests. Oh and purchasing luxury houses.”

LCD Views have seen a sneak preview of the monument and we are going to break cover and reveal it is just a very big brass neck with a pair of rubber gloves for a head.

“We will be having the unveiling ceremony during the summer, before the next lockdown,” Mr Cashfunnel advises. “A spitfire fly past will be timed to be overhead just as the apron made out of a bin bag is drawn dramatically off the statue to reveal Matt’s innermost personality.”

But unusually for a bust there will be no eyes.

“That’s because they’re the windows to the soul, and ever since Mr Hancock invoked the war dead in his quest to become Tory leader, and then threw them under the bus to be Health Secretary, it’s clear the windows gaze into an abyss.”

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Liz Truss formally invites all Commonwealth countries to rejoin the British Empire

FORM AN ORDERLY QUEUE : The current British government is notoriously interested in the welfare of lesser nations, so known for it there are occasional murmurs of dissent from the backbenchers.

“Boris Johnson pays them no need. He was born to be world king. A benevolent autocratic ruling over a far flung and peaceful empire. And he will fulfil his destiny.”

And he has help. No less a brain of Great Britain than Liz Truss is by his side, and she is moving forward with the fulfilment of the promise of Brexit.

“Tomorrow morning Liz Truss will formally invite all Commonwealth countries to rejoin the British Empire. India is expected to be first in line with Canada and Australia jostling for second spot. All the other places no one can ever name will be in a wild scrum behind them.”

The plan to reform the Empire, based on the lines drawn on maps in the earlier part of the 20th century, is certain to be a boon for British industry.

“For far too long our colonial subjects have been denied British pork products and British cheese,” Ms Truss will say in an upbeat, but serious tone. “This is wrong. This injustice will end.”

In return for demanding our superior produce the colonies will once again be at liberty to do what they do best.

“They still offer up their sons for our imperial conflicts and give us all the minerals they possess. In return they will become civilised again. It is symbiotic in nature.”

The High Priests of Brexit will of course all be ready to help the countries come home from the wilderness.

“Hannan will be on hand to direct the children of empire where they stand in the colonial structure. Rees-mogg will supply missionaries just in case any have forgotten the wonders of transmutation and servitude to a higher tax avoidance structure. It will all be glorious.”

A spitfire fly passed is planned for midday tomorrow and a mass zoom sing-a-long of God Save the Queen at midday, which will be led by Dylin the prop dog. Get your bunting out and be ready to raise a mug of English tea.

And if you are from a distant land, just know that soon the redcoats will once again be in your towns and streets to offer you a reassuring sight of order, and the correct way to address your superiors.