LCD Views

THE PARTY OF LAW AND DISCORD : A new law will enter the United Kingdom’s statute books in the coming days in an attempt to crackdown on voters laughing at Ministers.

“It’s vital when establishing an autocracy that no one laughs at the preening prats placed in positions of power, merely because they are prepared to follow any orders for personal reward,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views.

The law has been nicknamed “STFU YOU PLEBS” by ministers, although Jackboot was also a popular suggestion.

The speedy action comes as a result of two television presenters laughing at Honest Bobbie Jenrick during a television interview. Mr Jenrick was in his fetish palace at the time. Mistakenly the presenters found it ticklish.

“In order for our project of flagshagging crony-capitalism to fully realise itself we need to have our thin skins very well protected,” the source explained. “If other people of status, like BBC presenters, laugh at our idiocy and self-importance the entire facade that conceals our wrongdoings and inadequacy could come tumbling down. So Jackboot it is.”

And the penalty for laughing at a Minister’s flag is certainly stiff enough to dissuade even the most unpatriotic soul.

“If convicted of laughing at a minister’s flag, or any MPs actually, you face a maximum sentence of working under Priti Patel. And few can survive that.”

It’s not all bad though, if arrested, sentenced and convicted you stand the chance of being dismissed with a six figure hush money payout.

“That’s a bit of a lottery though. I wouldn’t risk it. Unless you’ve a thing for being wedgied of course. Then go for it!”

IT’S NOT WHAT YOU’VE GOT, IT’S WHAT YOU DO WITH IT: Tory ministers have come under fire for displaying enormous flags. Psychologists are wondering if there might be a corresponding deficiency in other areas of their lives.

“Honest Bob” Jenrick is only the latest casualty. Experts are concerned about his mental health and possible erectile dysfunction after his latest round of flag fetishism extended to displaying a portrait of the Queen.

“The classic response from a man who feels, shall we say, a little inadequate, is to compensate in other ways,” explained leading shrink Dr Luna Tix. “It often happens in middle age. A man, realising that his libido is on the wane, will obtain a motorbike, a sports car, mistresses. He will act like he’s the alpha-est alpha male in the vicinity. He will surround himself with phallic symbols.”

He acts hard, because he’s not getting hard?

“Precisely,” confirmed Dr Tix. “An oversized, erect flagpole signals that even a double dose of Viagra no longer does the business. These inadequate men are screwing the country because they are unable to screw anything else.”

This crude but effective analysis has been challenged by prominent ministers, protesting their lack of perceived virility too much.

“Patriotism is measured by the flag,” protested Jingoism Minister John Bull, resplendent in Union Jack suit, waistcoat and tie. “The more flags the better, and the bigger the flagpole the better. It’s simple. It’s nothing to do with inadequacy, or the fact that my wife is happier with separate beds these days.”

So you aren’t compensating for anything?

“Of course not,” said Bull, pulling another couple of flags into position behind him. “That’s better, I can feel a real swelling of, erm, pride coming on now. It’s just that I’m overwhelmed with work right now!” He pulled on a simply massive Union Jack hat and sighed with joy.

It’s funny, really. But you mustn’t laugh, in case you make these little men feel even more inadequate, and feel obliged to send you an ironically stiff letter signed by all their little friends.

PANTS FIRE ETERNAL : SHOCKING news today with the announcement of an inquiry into whether or not the last British prime minister, Boris Johnson, lied.

Shortly after 6am GMT today at an abandoned warehouse in a derelict docklands area a press conference was held with nobody present to announce the result of the inquiry.

We watched a live stream of the event as we could not afford the armoured car and security detail needed to navigate our way into and out of the unknown area.

We can exclusively present an excerpt of the inquiry’s findings below.

“It will not surprise to many who have watched the career of the UK’s court jester come king to hear we have concluded that the prime minister lied when he gave a statement over accusations he lied about lying regarding a case of him lying about lying relating to an appearance in the House of Commons wherein he is accused of lying when he gave a statement about a charge of lying about lying over an earlier incident where he lied when addressing accusations that he was lying over the findings of a study into him lying about lying to do with a situation where he claimed he misspoke, but as he had repeated the same statements numerous times, in various forms and contexts, it has been decided he was lying when he addressed the issue of whether he lied or told the truth about lying regarding charges he lied when addressing the accusations that he was lying about lying…”

Unfortunately we only have the excerpt of the press conference regarding the result of the inquiry as midway way through the statement the feed was cut and a photo of a shimmering Union Jack took its place.

The findings of the inquiry will be shocking to any intelligent life form existing beyond Bettlegeuse when the footage eventually reaches their receivers light years from now.

The prime minister is expected to address the inquiries later with a minimum of four flags behind him to distract you from the fact that whatever he says, he’ll probably be lying.

You’ll be able to decide this for yourself by watching very closely to see whether nor not his lips are moving.

TESTING TIMES REQUIRE TESTS : There’s a lot of talk about flags these days, as the United Kingdom rides on its unicorn across the sunlit uplands of Brexit.

Too many flags some say. Even humble vegetables have to scream out their patriotism. Not enough flags others are clearly thinking, because the old flag of Union is popping up more and more. We thought we would devise a quick quiz to help you decide if you’re getting it just right with your visible displays of patriotic fervour.

This is important because if you don’t wrap yourself in the flag people may not lend sufficient credibility to what you say. People may question your motives. But if the flag is present you are instantly, magically imbued with all of its positive associations. More importantly, no one can then contradict anything you say or do!

Of course simple flag displays may not be enough for you to prove how much you love your country. You could go further and simulate the physical act of love with the flag, as the former President Donald Trump did on stage in America. Certainly a master of the flagshag.

But what about you?

We are all about helping you today. Please take a moment to take our quiz and decide if you are a Union Jack Off!

QUIZ

Question 1. “Do you display the Union Jack in your living room? Or an alternative room in your house when you know that other people will be watching you over Zoom?”

Answer : Yes – CONGRATULATIONS! You are a Union Jack Off! You are well on your way to tarnishing the United Kingdom’s flag by associating it with all the grubby little things you are doing! Based on this answer we suspect you maybe a serving UK parliamentary representative? Please claim £1.01 on expenses for your time taking this quiz.

Answer : No – Ms Patel will see you later. And unless you work for her you can not expect a six figure, taxpayer funded pay off to keep you quiet about what happens during the meeting.

Get yourselves a flag and shag it! You too can be a Union Jack Off today!