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Government extends definition of “peaceful” protests to include rioting

QUIET RIOT: The government is trying to ban peaceful protests. In order not to exclude violent protests, the orbit of peace now includes arson, fighting, and guerilla warfare. 

In the other direction, the definition will necessarily include talking to somebody, checking the time, and doing nothing in particular. The term “protest” will include the possibility that you might get a bit cross about something. The thin blue line will have carte blanche on seeing red. 

The ultimate arbiter, though, will not be the police, however mendacious they may be. The buck stops with the smirkin’ merkin herself, Priti Patel. 

Yes, our benevolent send-’em-Home Secretary will decide what constitutes a protest, and whether it is peaceful or not. 

“This is an outrage!” shouted seasoned protester Wendy Wewantit. Unable to speak without chanting slogans and waving a placard, Wendy is upset that she does not therefore qualify for disability benefits. “What do we want? Freedom to bring London to a standstill for the slightest reason!” 

Most people are unimpressed. “The new rules mean that Priti Patel can fling you in prison for 10 years if she doesn’t like the look of you,” grumbled Joe Public. “The terms and conditions are so widely drawn that going about your daily business could land you in deep trouble.” 

So even these mild mannered citizens are thinking of throwing caution to the winds. “What do we want? A riot!” yelled Wendy. “In for a penny, as they say. RI-OT! RI-OT!” 

Joe was in full agreement. “If Patel is going to arrest us for reading a newspaper in a public place, then let’s make it worth it, and have some fun,” he said. “Let’s riot, if she’s going to arrest us anyway. RI-OT! RI-OT!” 

You can see why including rioting under peaceful protests is necessary. 

Give peace a chance? Not in a hundredty twelvety thousandy years. 

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BREAKING : Babies to be taught to recognise Union Flag before parents

EARLY INTERVENTION : Great news today for infants with the announcement by Downing Street that the long mothballed Sure Start programme is to be rebooted, albeit it with a different focus.

“From 9am this morning a battalion of specially trained officers from the Home Office will be in attendance at all hospital maternity wards,” a Downing Street source says. “They will be recognisable by their Union Flag patterned uniforms and the decks of playful cards they will be brandishing. These are also flag patterned.”

The officers are tasked with ensuring all newborns in Brexit Britain receive immediate education on how to recognise the flag.

“It’s all very well being able to recognise your mother and father but if you can’t go gaga over the Flag of Union the moment you take your first patriotic look at the greatest country on earth then you’re off to a rocky start. We aim to fix this.”

It is rumoured that several MPs will be on hand to witness the groundbreaking world beating sessions and to clap like seals.

“Police will also be in attendance, undercover as all manner of hospital employees, in case any new parents fail in their patriotic duty and attempt to block the vital work of the flag officers.

“It is hoped in time to advance the programme to pre-natal and have images of flags beamed directly into the womb during ultrasound sessions. We believe with sufficient belief the programme can even discover how to produce Union Flag patterned sperm.”

Some have criticised the move, saying that it would be better to tattoo all breasts with flags so the babies associate nursing with patriotism.

The Home Office has defended itself against that criticism though by pointing out there is currently a shortage of red, white and blue ink as it’s all “being correctly monopolised by food packaging on bananas and other fine British produce.”

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Tory MP demands to know why no food banks are flying Union Flags

LET THEM EAT FLAGS : The Tory MP for Cocktumbhle, Died (pronounced Deed) Hart, has demanded answers from the UK’s thriving food bank sector owing to a visible lack of patriotic fervour.

”I have conducted a survey of many of the thousands of food banks that have proudly been established since the glorious moment David ‘Boy Wonder’ Cameron and George ‘You Peasants Are Hilarious’ Osborne took office, with that dude who now works for Facepamphlet, and none, NONE of them are flying the fLaG!&@#”

The lack of pride in Britain amongst the swelling queues of hungry is seen by Died Hart as a key factor in why they are so hungry.

“Clearly if they just believed in Britain their spirits would be sated and their flesh would follow in good order. The Empire wasn’t built by starving people in England. It was built by sending them to take food and wealth from people who didn’t need it at gunpoint. Show a bit of PrIdE!@&£”

Thankfully the MP for Cocktumbhle has a solution.

“Today myself and all the other psychos who hilariously were elected by just enough of the comatose have written to the Prime Minister demanding an immediate respond to the food bank crisis.”

The solution will fill you with pride and patriotism and enough jingoistic pie to satisfy even the hungriest family, who was careless and didn’t land a PPE contract in the goldrush.

”We are demanding that food banks are forced by LAW to sell their surplus food stuffs and use the proceeds to purchase Union Flags to fly over their entrances. And further that all food parcels be packaged in Union Flag pattern paper. This will make for a happy and productive underclass, ready for the new Satanic Mills to be constructed at free ports and Charter cities soon.”

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Brexiter left fuming after “British Empire” is not listed as country of residence on Census

HOT SALTY TEARS : PROUD BREXITER Mr Bazza Gammon, 56 of Little England Street, Littler England, Ingerland, has been found having a tantrum in his living room after completing the 2021 Census.

Mr Gammon’s third wife found him “on the floor hitting the carpet with his curled up fists and screaming unstoppably”.

Mrs Gammon reportedly initially left Mr Gammon to it on the assumption that her husband had failed in his latest bid to interrupt constructive discourse in a progressive social media group.

”I just thought he got schooled trying to convince someone the Nazi’s were socialists,” Mrs Gammon told LCD Views. “Either that or someone had discovered he didn’t even serve in the catering corp of the Territorials. But it was worse than I thought.”

It was when Mr Gammon failed to come to the dinner table for a lunch of beef, corned beef, spam and turnips that Mrs Gammon decided to find out what the problem was.

“It turns out it was the Census. They didn’t list British Empire as a country of residence or birth. For Bazza that’s a terrible affront. He has a framed photo of the Queen over the toilet and everything.”

It seems Mrs Gammon did attempt to retrieve the Census form after explaining to her husband that “There was probably an Other option and he could just write it in.”

Unfortunately the form had already been submitted.

“Submitted means submitted he sobbed,” Mrs Gammon shrugged. “Still it’s not all bad. I was completely unaware he had sufficient enough grasp of written Ingerlish to fill in the form to begin with!”

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Boris Johnson rumoured to have given two contrasting answers to each Census question

SHAPE SHIFTING TRUTH TWISTING : Like all good and dutiful subjects of Queen Elizabeth, the English Prime Minister Boris Johnson yesterday completed the 2021 census.

Rumours have it that his answers are some of the more entertaining to be recorded yesterday, and many of them answered several times, or at the very least in duplicate.

LCD Views has received a leak which is is claimed (without any justification at all) to be the PM’s entry from the National Office of Statistics.

“It says he recorded his occupation as ‘World King’ and ‘Shapeshifting Creep’,” our leaky correspondent notes. “For address he wrote down ‘10 and 11 Downing Street’, but also ‘Wherever a busty barmaid and a bed are’.”

So much so predictable.

“Nationality gets rather interesting as he’s recorded himself as ‘Could not give a toss, except where it suits my political objectives’ but also ‘1930’s’.”

This effectively squashes rumours that he had written European down, but points to where he takes inspiration for governance.

Religious beliefs also turned up as expected.

“Church of Brexit and Me.”

And that was not all.

“The section where he had to record his relationships to the other members of the household is fun, it is the only one where he recorded a single answer.”

And what was that?

“Temporary. Which is no change from the previous censuses he has filled out. It is stronger however, than his relationship to the truth. Which is none.”

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Union Flag opens Tinder account

HEAVY BREATHING : Breaking news right now that will have all professed patriots hot under the collar and weak at the knees with the discovery the Union Flag has opened a Tinder account.

It’s believed the decision by the flag comes after a swell in its confidence caused by receiving the advances of so many elected representatives all at once.

“It’s believed all Tory MPs, and others, are currently swiping right with hot and heavy hands in the hope of hooking up with the flag,” our proper patriots correspondent reports. “The flag has already been seen in the living rooms of numerous MPs lately, regardless of their marital status. It seems it has decided to step the action up a gear and get proper down and dirty with those that profess to want it the hardest.”

There is yet no comment from the Flag itself, who is believed to be looking down the list of admirers and deciding who really wants it the most.

“It’ll be stiff competition that’s for sure. Maybe the Flag will just play the field and see if it really gels with someone between the sheets. But word to the wise, put Elgar on the stereo and make sure your sheets are also flag patterned. You don’t want to blow your chances of shagging that flag when it’s your turn!”

The only potential problem is just how long you’ll get with the flag as it is also expected to appear in dozens of televised interviews during the week with true patriots.

“Make sure to keep it professional,” our correspondent advises. “No one needs a sex tale scandal of this nature, especially not involving a nationalist.”

Can you feel it? The urge to shag some fabric? The Union Flag knows you can. Go on and admit it and it’s definitely a swipe to the right.

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Tory MP tables bill requiring all U.K. public buildings renamed in honour of Winston Churchill

PATRIOTIC FERVOUR : Meile Tikket, Tory MP for Kassett Taip, has drafted a private member’s bill requiring all public buildings in the United Kingdom be renamed in honour of Winston Churchill.

The little known MP, who has represented Kassett Taip in Central Kent since the election of 2013, said he drafted the surprising legislation over fears Britain’s wartime leader would soon be forgotten.

“Thank you for talking to me, no other media organisation would. They fear being seen as self-professed patriots. That just shows you how toxic the wokeflake agenda has been on our media. As to my bill, my constituents don’t write to me over food poverty or the pandemic,” Mr Taip told LCD Views. “They write to me out of concern our glorious past as a country is rapidly being forgotten. I aim to do something about that.”

And the something would be a dramatic change in the landscape.

“All public buildings, government at all levels, schools, museums and military establishments will be renamed The Winston Churchill etc once my law comes into force.”

The action is believed to have the support of the prime minister, although as you can’t believe a bloody word he says, it’s not clear if that is true or not.

“I would go further too, with subsequent legislation. I would require all public houses to also be renamed in honour of Winston Churchill. There’s only three or four known pub names in the U.K. anyway, so it wouldn’t not be too great a shift and everyone would know what pub you were meeting at once they all have the same name.”

And it’s not just the names of public buildings the MP has his sights on. He is also concerned about flags.

“At the moment I am currently drafting legislation which will force all napkin and tablecloth makers to only use Union Flag fabric in their factories. Boxer shorts too. Union Flag. We hardly seem to know who we are as a nation anymore, but once a man can lawfully take a flag to bed and call it his wife, everything will be clear to everyone.”

LCD Views lends our support to Miele Tikket and wish him all the best with his lawmaking. Finally, someone is doing something that’s not boring, unlike the pandemic.

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British fish who wrote “Citizen of the World” as nationality on census hunted by Royal Navy

IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT HERE GO AND LIVE SOMEWHERE ELSE : The Royal Navy has been ordered today to work with Britain’s world beating fishing fleet and track down a treasonous fish.

The fish, believed to be a three year old cod called Todd, committed high treason when filling out the Census 2021. In the boxes regarding nationality it wrote “Citizen of the World” and in the ethnic group it wrote “European”, sparking a crisis within the Home Office.

“Priti Patel is liaising with both the MOD and Environmental Secretary Useless to launch a manhunt. It is hoped they capture the fish before it corrupts the entirety of British fish stock,” a Home Office source told LCD Views.

The nationality of fish has been a subject of heavy focus under the Johnson government, even while over 130,000 people have died during the pandemic.

“We need to interrogate Todd and discover who put him up to this,” the Home Office source continued. “The happiness of British fish is at stake and thus the entire nation.”

No action has been ruled out to track down Todd with LCD Views understanding that the government has not ruled out using Trident in a “carpark” strategy to destroy all life in the English Channel. If Todd can’t be captured and forced to recant than it is felt the next best step is to “sterilise the environment with nuclear energy”.

LCD Views appeals for anyone who may know Todd’s location to come forward and aid in a swift resolution of today’s national crisis.

“If you know the safe house Todd is staying at you can phone the police anonymously on a premium rate phone number which will shortly be released,” our source adds. “It is vital that Todd be stopped before another fish does something unrecoverable such as write French on the census.”

It is further believed that the Secretary of State for Fish Nationalism, John Redwood, has not been informed of the situation as no one wants to risk “him collapsing into a coma from the shock.”

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Bones of last Tory MP to tell the truth discovered under medieval carpark

HOW DO YOU KNOW HE’S LYING : GREAT NEWS TODAY with the announcement by archaeologists that they have discovered the remains of the last Tory MP to tell the truth.

The search has been on for sometime with many in the country believing there must once have been an honest Conservative MP? Just no one can remember when. Especially not when faced with the current endless parade of charlatans today.

“We are very pleased with our discovery,” lead excavator on the dig, Colin Astounds, told LCD Views. “When we started our search many told us it was pointless. But finally, with the discovery of the bones at a ruined abbey carpark we can say we have done it.”

The name of the MP is currently being kept confidential.

“This is just so any living descendants can be located and informed of the discovery of the remains. If they themselves are Tories, or if one is even an MP, hearing that in the long, lost past one of their ancestors once told the truth? It would be publicly very shameful. They would become a laughing stock amongst their entirely dishonourable contemporaries.”

What the truth was the MP told is not entirely clear, but legend has it he coined a phrase that has changed little since its invention.

“I can tell you what he said. The one truthful thing,” Colin Astounds said. “He told family members and constituents, who had gathered by his deathbed, the following, ‘When I die my lips will stop moving and in this way you will know I am no longer lying’.”

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Undercover police to put on women’s clothing and hang around in bars

I’M A LUMBERJACK AND I’M OK: Undercover police are adopting innovative measures to protect women in pubs, as part of “Operation Lumberjack”. In order to fully empathise with the female experience, male officers will dress up in high heels, suspenders, and a bra.

Female officers will be expected to dress up as Priti Patel.

In order to blend in successfully, further guidance has been issued by the Met. Officers must eat their lunch, go to the lavatory, and have buttered scones for tea – but this latter condition only after shopping on Wednesdays.

Once this programme is complete, officers must complete modules on Skipping & Jumping, and Pressing Wild Flowers. Once this completely normal behaviour has been assimilated successfully, police officers will be free to hang around in bars, where it is expected that they will blend in seamlessly.

As ever these days, some people will make an extreme effort to take offence at everything.

“This announcement demeans men who like putting on women’s clothing,” grumbled a tall, deep-voiced, heavily muscled and bearded lady, who gave her name as Lacie Smalls. “Nobody understands me, least of all my wife, and this Operation Lumberjack will only cause me further distress!” Smalls wiped away a solitary tear, picked up a huge axe, and departed to chop down some trees.

Smalls forgets that there is a long tradition of cross-dressing in the UK, albeit often for comic effect. Strip down any Shakespeare comedy or pantomime, and you will find boys pretending to be girls, girls pretending to be boys, and either pretending to be half of a cow.

So far, so good. But what do actual living, breathing, drinking-in-bars women think?

“It’s not the blokes in dresses who generally cause problems,” observed female person Rose English. “But it’s nice to know that there will be police out and about to look after our safety, though I worry that turning up looking like a Monty Python character might diminish their authority somewhat.”

Operation Lumberjack. Sleep all night, work all day, and you will be OK.