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Fury after White House joins EU in laughing at Boris Johnson

WHAT’S GOT INTO EU : 10 Downing Street is in lockdown mode today and not because serial screw-up Boris Johnson has been caught screwing around.

The reason for the tense and barricaded state is rumoured to be the receipt of an audio file of Joe Biden talking in private about Boris Johnson and Brexit, with Von Der Leyen and others.

“Someone says U.K. trade deal, we’re not sure who, they sounded French. Biden says pork products and chuckles. Then another voice, American we think, or perhaps a European who learnt English at an American school, says Global Britain and cheese. More laughter, louder this time. Next someone throws in ‘We’re gonna build a wall and Brussels is gonna pay for it’ and they’re off. The rest of the file is just people laughing and the file is an hour long. The only time they stop laughing is when Boris Johnson actually attempts to phone up. Biden says it’s the tenth time that day and they all sit in silence and listen to the phone, until it stops ringing.”

How Downing Street will respond isn’t yet clear, although ERG douche Andrew Bridgen has suggested he will hold his breath until he faints, as they’ll be so sorry then.

“Johnson is said to have set up a special unit to work up jokes about Biden and Barnier, but the problem appears to be that the jokes are all on Britain these days.”

We’re sure it will soon blow over, like Johnson’s combover. After all, just like the EU, the USA needs us more than we need them.

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Boris Johnson to lead a “Clap for Brexit” 8pm Sunday night

WHAT’S THE SOUND OF ONE DOUCHEBAG CLAPPING : THE UK’S FIERCELESS VIRUS BREEDER BORIS JOHNSON IS TO TURN HIS ATTENTION BACK TO HIS OTHER GREAT AND DISEASED PROJECT, BREXIT, SUNDAY NIGHT.

“Boris, or Al to his friends, so not you, is going to lead a clap for Brexit because it needs all the help it can get,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, on the condition we didn’t tell you.

It seems the element of surprise will be key to make a success of the Clap for Brexit.

“Some said he should launch a campaign to give everyone the clap for Brexit, but his current squeeze didn’t seem to keen, as it would mean he would have to go out and get the clap first. And she didn’t see that in the small print when she signed the contract for the gig! Mind you, he may still do that in his spare time. Who knows! Just Boris being Boris! So funny. Why not make a serial arsehat prime minister? I mean, what could go wrong?”

The clap will be a national event and you are encouraged to go and stand on that well trodden doorstep of yours again at 8pm and clap like you’ve never clapped before.

“The hope is that Brussels will hear the clap if everyone synchronises and mashes their palms together for Brexit at 8pm, and then immediately mashes their face into the nearest brick wall. Which will be Brexit in interpretive dance. Classic.”

Clap for Brexit tomorrow night, because if you don’t, who will?

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Patriotic Brits told to adopt a herring to save the fishing industry

SMOKE ME A KIPPER, I’LL BE BACK FOR BREAKFAST: There’s something distinctly fishy going on. Patriotic Brits are being asked not just to eat more British Fish, but to adopt them as pets.

Every man, woman and child is to present themselves at a bosky fishing village, to collect their very own herring, wrapped in a Union Jack. The fish are to be taken home, and cherished as a memento of the industry Brexit has done so much to destroy.

The programme is to be called “Herring Aid”.

Up and down the length of the country, you will see people out, walking their herring. You can train them to fetch sticks, catch mice, and say “sausages”.

The herring will accompany children as they go about their education. They will serve as a very present reminder that English Fish must be celebrated at all times. In order for the children to concentrate on their lessons, without being distracted, the fish will be put into schools of herring.

Some of the more observant readers may have spotted a small technical detail. Herring live in the sea, and not many of us have a surrogate ocean at home. Government officials advise either smoking the poor fish, or pickling them in vinegar. It is then your patriotic duty to obtain a replacement. 

Smoking fish is easy. You hang them up in your kitchen, light a fire, and wait. Your house may burn down, but home smoked kippers are delicious. 

It’s a pretty good metaphor for Brexit. 

These frequent trips to the coast to replace dead herring have been deemed essential. There is nothing more important during a pandemic than propping up the fishing industry. 

And if the fishing industry goes down the pan, then obviously you weren’t patriotic enough. The whole adopt a fish idea is a red herring. 

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Priti Patel to strip British citizenship from everyone and decide who she wants to let back in

FORTRESS DOMINATRIX : The United Kingdom’s Home Secretary doesn’t like people having homes very much, especially not people who have fled war zones and other calamities.

“The only way we’re going to make Britain Great Again, now we have left the failing, protectionist, corporate interest club of the EU is to ensure we have the right people on our green and pleasant land,” an aide to the Home Secretary told LCD Views. “And as few of them as possible. This is why we had to take back control of our borders, except in pandemics, clearly.”

And the only way we will make sure we have as few people as possible in our country is if someone decides who gets to stay and who goes.

“Root and branch,” the aide clarifies. “Throw everyone out and then have someone judge who gets back in and who, after a suitable probation, gets their citizenship back. The hallowed Blue Passport!”

Priti Patel is the one for this job, clearly.

“It’s actually going to be a boom for our car industry. Just imagine how many security vans we will need to round up 68m people, minus one. That one being Priti Patel. The darling of the Tories. And well deserved too. Not many can come back from being fired for running your own foreign policy agenda! Thanks Boris! Gosh. In earlier times she would have been thrown out of politics for that.”

Clearly to gain re-admittance you’re going to need a crystal clear social media history.

“The next time you see a BoRiS bot festival on social media I advise you to jump right in at the deep end. But don’t forget to praise Priti too, as she’ll be watching you…”

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After Boris Johnson says “midlife crisis” made him enter politics Gove says “Satan made me do it”

A SPECIAL PLACE IN HELL : The United Kingdom’s last prime minister, Boris Johnson, has revealed the beginnings of a midlife crisis made him enter politics.

Some would say that as he was already expressing that by infidelity with younger blondes, maybe he could just have bought a sports car and saved us all a lot of trouble?

But while Boris Johnson is likely to win a “No Shit Sherlock” award for his revelation, people are asking what was the motivation for his partner in crime, Michael Gove?

“It’s quite straightforward actually, like everything about me,” Michael Gove told LCD Views over Zoom.

For the interview Mr Gove choose a backdrop of a medieval torture dungeon and a soundtrack we couldn’t recognise, but was later understood to be a bag of Saint Bernard puppies being thrown into a fire. Again and again.

“One morning I was trying to work out how I could inflict the most suffering on my fellow man and I settled on politics. Although I would be lying if I was breathing. I mean, if I didn’t admit I received an offer too good to refuse.”

We inquired if he had a detailed plan when he made the decision? And who made the irresistible offer?

“Not really a plan as such, but with an overarching aim of causing pain that wasn’t necessary. The devil made the decision for me. He made me do it. He visited me in a come down fever dream after a particularly ebullient night with the Bullingdon Club and offered me total power on three conditions.”

And what were they?

“I had to work for his earthly incarnation Rupert Murdoch. I had to pledge to inflict maximum damage on the truth. And finally, I had to give him my immortal soul.”

Your soul? Isn’t that a bit steep?

“Not really. My soul is impressively cheap.”

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Downing Street source confirms “EU close to cracking and begging U.K. to come back”

YOU CAN’T LIVE WITHOUR OUR BI-VALVES ADMIT IT : A DOWNING STREET SOURCE has gone off the broken record this morning and revealed the intellectual powerhouses nested in 10 Downing Street believe the EU is ready to crack.

“Where are they now? The thinking in 10 Downing Street is that the EU is bereft. Without the calm and pragmatic leadership of the British elite they are lost. Essentially stumbling about a darkened room looking for a light switch,” the source says.

While publicly the EU27 leaders are doing a good job of holding it together, behind closed doors it’s mostly one fantasy building project after another to distract from their failures.

“How many millionaires have they made out of PPE? It’s a joke. The EU wide procurement projects have left friends of ministers stunned. Whereas in the UK you can just send a Whatsapp to a government figure and your unrelated factory is out of administration, just like that.”

It’s also believed life for the EU is just not as much fun without the UK’s elite.

“They have these, frankly boring, discussions with the US. We’re gonna sort this out and that. We’re not going to run NATO down. We’re going to…zzzz…what they need is someone like Boris with mad hair spouting half remembered classical Greek, inappropriately, while dressed as King Arthur as a mountain of avoidable death grows under his feet thanks to an inability to understand you have to put public health first in a pandemic to save your economy.”

And of course the elephant in everyone’s room, Brexit.

“It’s becoming a serious crisis on the EU side. While we sit here and wait they are frantically re-ordering supply chains to a market of half a billion people and pulling their hair out wondering where to put all the financial business leaving London. It’s not good.”

But it seems Downing Street isn’t yet in the mood to have the EU back.

“Boris is going to wait until they’ve properly cracked and begged us to come back and re-open negotiations. The food shortages next winter. The hyper-inflation to come. The collapse of the housing market. That’s the time to strike. When the UK is tumescent and ripe.”

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Bank of England to be renamed “Bank of Ingerland”

LITTLE INGERLAND : The new Guvnor of the Bank of England isn’t going to take bullying by the EU laying down, he’s going to take it on like the full blooded John Bull that he is.

“The EU need to get it through their thick ‘eads that they can’t just come over to our borough and treat us like c” an aide working for the financial tough guy told LCD Views. Unfortunately the line dropped out.

It seems the EU is bullying the UK, after forcing us to leave the bloc and all it’s mutually beneficial arrangements, and we’re not going to take it. No one gets to treat the UK like a third country! Even if we demanded it.

We managed to re-establish the line and continue the call.

“I mean, have we got ‘screw me’ written across our foreheads? Yes? NO? I’m not sure. I haven’t looked in the mirror since England overwhelmingly voted to take the UK out of the EU. Can you have a look and tell me?”

It seems the decision to establish the UK as a direct competitor to the failing EU is having some consequences no one on Earth could possibly have foreseen.

“What have half a billion of the richest people on Earth got to bring to the party? Nuffink. Pricks. We’ve been insulting them for years from our highest offices of state. They should KNOW THERE PLAICE BY NOW! BUT NO. NO! NOW BAILEY IS GONNA HAV’ TO GO ROUND THERES AND GIVE THEM A TASTE OF THEY’RE OWN MEDICINE.”

From there the interview contained something about sovirrentee, whatever that is, and a red faced scream at reality.

All well and good. We’ll show them.

“Andy is gonna change the name of the Bank of England to the Bank of Ingerland, then those clever dicks in Brussels will know exactly what their dealing with. Where gonna stick Union Flags on oar bank notes to. And im going too personanally tear up any filthy Euros I can get my hands on. Sea how they like that.”

That’ll do it. Global Britain. No one can stop us now. Especially not the people we’ve told to shove it.

“Little England sunshine. Get it right. Show some respect.”

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Fish who can’t answer who was Archbishop of Canterbury in 1456 no longer allowed in British fishing nets

TOUGH ON FISHING AND THE CAUSES OF FISHING : George Eustice is in the news a lot lately, mostly lying his arse off, as he tries to stave off the disaster his boss Boris Johnson has caused in the UK’s fishing industry. But he is not alone anymore.

No less a heavyweight than Home Secretary Priti “lock ’em up” Patel has weighed in to assist with the struggle to save the fishing fleets from the rocks of global trade.

“This is a welcome helping hand,” an aide to George “Useless” Eustice told LCD Views. “The Home Office is extending the British citizenship criteria to European fish stocks. This will help ensure only British fish are caught in British waters by British fishermen using British fishing nets cast from British fishing boats. It will mean there’s even more British fish for Britons to eat. And with that much British involved there is no reason why this isn’t an exceptional and world beating move.”

The joining forces of the Environmental Secretary and the Head of Incarcerating Desperate People Fleeing War Zones Using British Munitions Secretary will mean it is guaranteed now that the future of British fishing is secure.

“Any European fish that can’t answer basic questions about British life and culture such as ‘Who was the Archbishop of Cantebury in 1456?’ will no longer be allowed to be caught. They will be told to aboutface and swim back to France. Clearly British fish won’t be asked the same questions because bugger all will know the answer. But that’s not the point.”

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Liz Truss to sell surplus British Pork to UK government

MAKING A PIG’S EAR OF THINGS: We are opening up new pork markets in Global Britain, announced Trade Supremo Liz Truss today. British Farmers are producing British Pork, so therefore British People are bloody well going to eat it.

British Pork is going to waste, she reports, after normal shipments to the EU have been stymied by a plethora of paperwork. The solution is simple, declared Mastermind Liz. The UK shall go the whole hog and buy the lot.

“We happy Brits are going to pig out!” exclaimed Truss, wagging her curly tail happily. “We are bringing home the bacon! It is the patriotic duty of every loyal British Citizen to buy and eat British Pork! Get your snouts in the trough, and eat for Britain!”

The news was particularly well received by vegetarians, and other people who do not eat pork.

“This. Is. A. Dis. Grace!” spluttered vegetarian Meetal Ternative. “I’m not changing my ways just because that ridiculous old ham says so!”

Unfortunately, the porky Prime Ministerial pork sword pusher, Boris Johnson, thinks that compulsory pork consumption is an excellent idea.

“This is one in the eye for those pigheaded EU swine!” he quipped. “We are bringing home the bacon! – what what? Oh, you’ve already done that one? Ah. Erm. Splendid, splendid, good work, wiff waff, erm, yes, well, erm, excellent!”

The government will, grudgingly, pay almost market rate for the pork. Except if the farmer is a Tory donor, in which case it will spaff untold millions on a single joint of mass-produced gammon.

It will be made obligatory for every Brit to eat pork at every meal. They will gladly pay through the snout for the privilege. Bacon for breakfast, chops for lunch, gammon for dinner, pork scratchings with your evening pint once the pubs have reopened.

Have we been sold a pig in a poke? Or is this just another load of porkies?

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Royal Mail issues postage stamp listing all the honest statements made by the Prime Minister

DO NOT INJEST : THE ROYAL MAIL has weighed in today to assist Britain’s embattled personification of the Tower of Babel with a special collection of new stamps dedicated to the prime minister.

“The new stamps are in a special class of stamp created just to honour Boris Johnson,” a Royal Mail marketing whizz told LCD Views. “These are the first 10th class stamps we have ever issued. They’re pretty much useless.”

The stamps, which are smaller than the famous Penny Black, are the first blank postage stamps ever produced.

“There are rumours that the stamps aren’t blank but have the PM’s honest statements written on them in lemon or some other invisible ink. That is not the case. We have faithfully printed all of Boris Johnson’s honest statements on the stamps, as you can see for yourself.”

The reason for the creation of the special 10th class was also due to the unique nature of the man being honoured.

“His promises aren’t first class, his delivery isn’t even second class. We took inspiration from the monthly grand building project that Downing Street announces to distract from the many scandals accumulating about his cabinet. And the management of the pandemic is really not even 10th class. Unless you’re the actual virus, than I guess it’s first class.”

The stamps too will cost a pretty penny due to the rising costs of the paper they’re printed on.

“The paper for our stamps comes from France. Clearly there’s been some small inflationary pressures since Brexit got done.”

Fittingly also the stamps are not for international use and can only be used to send domestic letters and packages within England.

“You should think yourself lucky that they allow your letter to travel that far! The situation is under review. It maybe soon that you can only use them to send letters to yourself.”

The Boris Johnson stamp collection – in a class of its own, just like the man himself.