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I swerved to avoid a duck, says pilot of grounded boat in Suez Canal

DUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU: The pilot of the stranded barge in the Suez Canal has given his version of events. It appears he was trying to preserve local wildfowl.

The HMS Brexit is now so firmly wedged between the banks of the canal that it will take a monumental effort to free it. It has created so much friction for local trade that not even 73 pages of paperwork and a large bribe can ease it.

“I did what any pilot would have done,” insisted pilot Harrrda Starrrboard. “There I was, steering hard to the right, according to UK guidelines, when out of nowhere this duck appeared in front of me. She had all these fluffy little ducklings with her. You should have seen them, they were so cute!”

Evasive action was clearly necessary.

“Yes, well, I panicked, didn’t I,” said Starrrboard. “I didn’t want to run them over, so I braked hard, swerved, and sounded my horn all at the same time. Unfortunately the back end swung round, and, well it’s like the barge equivalent of your car ending up in the ditch. I called the AA at once, but to be honest, this has nothing to do with my drinking problems.”

Meanwhile the duck was unimpressed.

“It’s that old canard, swerved to avoid a duck,” quacked Livina Pond. “It’s come to a pretty pass when I can’t take the ducklings out for their daily exercise without some stupid drunk piloting their massive boat past my front door. I’ll tell you what this canal needs, it needs speed bumps and a pelican crossing, that’s what it needs. This used to be a nice quiet backwater once, before these maniacs started using it as a cut-through.”

If you don’t like it, you could always move.

“What, and go and live in the Med?” quacked Pond furiously. “Have you seen the prices there? And all the bloody tourists! No, I’ll take my chances with the boats, thank you very much!”

Got to love a duck!

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Priti Patel’s beauty expenses vital to conceal her true appearance

The revelation of expenses claims by Priti Patel have caused quite a stir since they were released this week. They include over £100,000 on services provided by Global Beauty Products and their subsidiaries. People have been asking not only why beauty treatments should be considered valid expense claims for the taxpayer to cover, but also why anybody needs to spend that much money on them. It turns out there is a reason that answers both questions at once.

Our glorious leader Boris Johnson made a statement on the matter last night.

“Of course she needs that much on beauty products. It’s a vital expense claim because it covers up her true appearance, which is part vampire, part demon from hell. Golly gosh yes, I even accidentally tented my undergarments the one time I caught her without her disguise – er, makeup – on.”

This confirmed some long-held suspicions, and indeed Mr Johnson went on to elaborate:

“Some of her slaves – er, wait, I mean staff, er, hang on no I don’t – were rendered incapable of doing any work at all when they saw her in her natural state. So her beauty expenses are vital to ensure that home office slaves – er, staff – can do their jobs properly. Not to mention the fact that when she’s done up like that it really turns her into absolute top totty. Phwooooaar!”

This was a revealing remark by our leader, as it shows that even when dealing with the spawn of Satan, his brain is firmly in his y-fronts.

But if Priti Patel’s true appearance is not of this earth, it begged the question of why she picked this particular form for her disguise, given the racism and sexism of the current government.

“Well that’s exactly it,” Johnson answered. “By appearing to the world as a woman of colour, Priti can announce any policy she likes, no matter how vile it is, and if you dare to question it, you’re the racist sexist bigots because she’s a woman of colour. It’s a masterstroke! And speaking of which, all this talk about her is making me feel in need of, er, well, not to beat about the bush, a bit of wiff waff myself if you catch my drift…”

At this point the interview ended and he went inside, after which we could all distinctly hear the sound of something creaking.

So it’s not so much The Devil Wears Prada as The Devil Wears Global Beauty Products, with full prime ministerial endorsement. In more ways than one.

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Boris Johnson suggests Suez Crisis can be solved by ignoring it “like I do with the problems I cause”

STILL STRONG AND STABLE AFTER ALL THESE YEARS : The Prime Minister Boris Johnson has time on his hands currently, what with the plague sorted, his home redecorated and an official opposition stuck in “Constructive” mode. This benefits the world.

“He didn’t have to waste time with that Biden/EU joint call either, for obvious reasons, so he was able to turn his impressive intellect to solving the Suez tanker crisis,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views.

“The problem with the crisis resolution so far appears to be that no one can believe that the British didn’t cause it. Which makes a nice change when it comes to drama in Suez, I can tell you.”

What the prime minister intends to suggest will come as no surprise however. And that’s not because of his track record as a problem solver.

“He doesn’t of course have problem solver on his long CV,” the source admits. “But that’s what makes him so strong in a crisis. Experience. It counts for a lot.”

And it seems while idiots run about suggesting such nonsense as widening the channel, giant magnets, salvage crews with the relevant experience and so on, they’re missing the obvious way to resolve the crisis.

“Just ignore it,” the source shrugs. “That’s Johnson’s advice. He’s created massive problems all through his career, and in his personal life, and just ignoring them has worked out massively in his favour so far.”

Just look now at the problems he’s caused with Brexit. Just ignore it. Problem solved.

“It’s just Boris being Boris.”

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Priti Patel puts private militia on Home Office credit card

EXTERMINATE : The Home Secretary Priti Patel has gotten away with it again after everyone went down the rabbit hole of her beauty largesse on the Home Office credit card and ignored more worrying expenses.

Closer examination of the public expenses record by our non-existent expert has revealed a much more expensive and dangerous outlay.

“She spent three hundred thousand, thirty four, nine hundred and seventy four thousand pounds at a shop called ‘Daleks R US’,” our expert discovered. “Closer inspection of the detail of the mammoth charge reveals it was to purchase a private militia.”

It seems the Home Secretary spent the vast and fabricated sum after a week of “lax, pussyfootin’ about and totally unacceptable” policing by Avon and Somerset Police in Bristol.

“The major concern seems to be how late in the evenin’ the police are takin’ to turn up with horses, do’s and riot shields,” our expert continues. “Ms Patel anticipates her private militia will deal with the troublemakers much more expediently. They will also be shouting exterminate over and over, which will make for much better footage when it’s shared amongst cackling Tory MPs on WhatsApp.”

But while the expense is plainly justifiable and the private militia are expected to deal with the hippy layabouts in a way that will be red meat for the Tory base, there is one note of concern.

“The protestors are apparently planning to peacefully protest tonight atop of some stairs. It’s uncertain how Ms Patel’s private militia will cope with that obstacle.”

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Tory MP jailed for 10 years after protesting peacefully

MILKING THE SITUATION: Anonymous Tory MP Sir Charles “Milkman” Walker has been arrested for protesting. He is expected to serve the maximum ten years in prison. 

Walker decided to carry a pint of milk at all times, in protest. The price of milk, he said, was too high, or possibly too low, he would decide later. But the important thing was the milk. It symbolised… well, something. He would decide later. 

Walker was defiant and unashamed after sentencing. “It is my right to carry a pint of milk on my person at all times!” said Walker. “I don’t even know if I like milk, I will decide later. Anyway it’s not about the milk, it’s about something else, I will decide what later. But I’m jolly cross about something!” 

The new law encapsulates this government’s unwritten law of inverse consequences. In other words, the lesser the offence, the more severe the punishment. 

The new rules are actually part of Priti Patel’s Punching Down Policy, clarified the ubiquitous anonymous source.”It’s the trickle up theory,” explained the source. “If you punish minor infringements harshly, it will discourage potential criminals and we all sleep more easily.” 

Especially the major criminals who are creaming off public money without any pushback. 

“We must set an example,” continued the source, ignoring the point. “In Sir Charles’s case, somebody complained about the smell of sour milk. The full force of the Act was mobilised. We are all in this together!” 

Won’t Sir Charles find a convenient loophole? Like the ban on foreign travel unless you happen to be a stinking rich Tory MP with second homes on the continent? 

Again the source ignored the question. “Transparency is the driving force,” said the source. “And I can see right through you, so this conversation is at an end.” 

Clear as milk. But the big question remains. Full fat, or semi-skimmed? 

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/covid-restrictions-milk-protest_uk_605cbdeec5b6531eed02d49c

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Questions asked after MP claims for 101 Dalmatian puppies on expenses claim

TOO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE : MPs expenses are back in focus today with the revelation that the Home Secretary Priti Patel has been claiming for hundreds of pounds worth of cupcakes, followed by advice from a dietitian. When you consider her income, that is not unreasonable, why shouldn’t we pay for her cupcakes?

Flags have also been an issue of fluttering interest, given that it is now obligatory for Tory MPs to wallpaper all their multiple homes with them. But few sticky beaks have bothered to look for details that reveal a softer side of any MP. Perhaps because the ‘Nasty Party’ is in power, perhaps because the public could do with unconscious bias training, re Tory MPs?

“Everyone should have looked closer at Priti Patel’s expenses,” a source in the Home Office told LCD Views. “They are very revealing and contain some surprises.”

The interview was one of the more difficult we have conducted remotely, due largely to the sounds of malevolent laughter in the background and underwear elastic being stretched to breaking point (replaying of the tape suggests the most likely origin of that sound was someone been given a wedgie by the Home Secretary).

“In particular look at the sheer volume of puppies she has claimed for! It is clear that she needs them to spread joy. Most likely she wants to wait on the beach and greet desperate new arrivals with something soft and fluffy, just like herself.”

The breed of the puppies does suggest a different mind at work though.

“Sure they’re Dalmatian puppies and that may lead you to think she is Cruella de Vil, but I’m sure a simple glace at her new bleeding heart policies for refugees will settle that question to anyone’s satisfaction.”

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BREAKING : Downing Street confirm plans to update national anthem to “God Save Boris”

IF GOD DOESN’T WHO WILL : Rumours have been circulating for days in the make believe land of Brexitannia that some upgrades need to be made to certain national symbols to make them match fit for an Idiocracy, and those rumours are true.

While most are focused on statues and flags though, a hard working thinktank within Downing Street has come up with another mod to complete, after outsourcing their job to a consultancy for a well spent seven figure sum.

“We need to give the National Anthem a do over,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The Queen is irrelevant anyway. Everyone can see that. We lied to her to close parliament and she didn’t kick us out of office? What does that tell you? Move over old lady! The bad boys are back!”

The actual upgrade being considered relates to the national anthem, which as many as five people in the United Kingdom actually know all the lyrics to by heart.

“God Save The Queen is clearly an anachronistic dirge in the world of 21st century klepto-fascist-neofeudalist-makebelieve-democracy,” the source explains. “We have a king. Not a queen. The song will now reflect that.”

In line with this the title of the anthem will change too.

“God Save Boris,” the source beams. “It’s three words. Three words is our magic number. Although the lyrics have more than three words. The first lines now go ‘God save our bollocks, long live our bollocks, God save Boris, Send him inebriated, happy on Bollie, long to reign over us, God save our bollocks’. The new anthem is much like the man himself. A complete load of balls.”

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Tory MP cleared of wrongdoing after claiming cost of Union Flag emojis on expenses

WHATEVER IT TAKES : The sleepy little town of Basset-Flux, a Conservative stronghold that voted 99.9% in favour of Brexit, is in the news again today after their MP was cleared of wrongdoing over an expenses claim.

The Right Honourable Barry Glaize has served the constituency as its MP since someone stuck a blue rosette on him at birth. But this is the first time he has come into contact with notoriety.

A source inside the MP’s constituency office said “Barry was shocked to get a phone call from the chief whip himself. He didn’t even know Barry existed, so far as we could tell. Mind you Barry always just nods like a dog and claps like a seal, so there’s no reason he should have stood out. He’s really just lobby fodder because the local people pay next to no attention to who they elect.”

Now though Mr Glaize is having his fifteen minutes of fame after claiming £0.36 for the time it took him to select and use Union Flag emojis in a tweet regarding the Battle of Agincourt.

“He was serving the people of Basset-Flux when he tweeted to demand the 24th of OCtObER be a national holiday. Why shouldn’t he be reimbursed? He’s not a charity. He’s not a food bank.”

And it seems the PM’s office agrees as it has blocked a referral to the committee that investigates expenses fraud.

”I think asking him to tweet the wrong date was a nice touch. Should help the dead cat along. You’ve got to stretch yourself after old Walker agreed to make a spectacle with a pint of milk! Anything to keep the smouldering bin fire that the U.K. now is off the front pages. National service and all that.”

Whether or not Mr Glaize will get his public holiday remains to be seen.

“He’s ready to tweet about it again with even more flag emojis. Just waiting for the whips to call again. Bit like standing still on the road to Mount Doom waiting for the Eye of Susan to find you! But we’re ready to do our bit to stop anyone hearing how many doses of that medicine the EU has exported to the UK. Just pick up the phone.”

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Reports prime minister did a day’s work “vicious rumours designed to undermine his reputation”

THE FUN NEVER STOPS : DOWNING STREET have hit back HARD at vicious rumours circulating within, and even without of the Westminster bubble, that the Prime Minister did a day’s work.

“We did not get to where we are as a country today with a working prime minister,” a 10 Downing Street source scoffed. “Mr Johnson is deeply wounded by this vicious attack clearly designed to undercut his reputation as a fun guy.”

Of course fungi is a key plank of Mr Johnson’s style of governance. Keep them in the dark and feed them on manure. Daily.

“Does it look like he’s working to you when he’s wearing a different costume daily? When he’s spouting off half remembered classical references at the most inappropriate times? When he’s basically making up any old nonsense to evade the fact he has no idea what is going on? No. It doesn’t. Does it. You need to cut out the undermining of his complete lack of effort. Just look at the pandemic. Just look at Brexit. Boris. Does. Not. Work. Period.”

But some critics have levelled their fingers at the prime minister himself over the scurrilous accusations, pointing out he doesn’t play golf.

“So? Trump avoided his responsibilities his own way. Boris has his style. He dresses up as a builder, a scientist, a butcher. Just imagine all the time involved in getting prepped before all this? The security, the vetting, the travelling. Did you give this one minute’s consideration? Hours and hours are wasted. Daily. But let me repeat it one more time for the slow kids at the back. Boris Johnson does not work.”

In more ways than one.

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Downing Street : Tory MPs advised to spend Easter parliamentary break “polishing their poles”

VIGOROUS AND ZESTY ENTERPRISES : DOWNING STREET have issued an edict to ensure all Tory MPs return from their well earned Easter break refreshed and free of any sort of tension.

“The moment they break up they should begin polishing their poles with enthusiasm,” a 10 Downing Street spokesperson said from the empty £2.6m briefing room that some tosser had put together.

“Use oil if you like. Grab a soft cloth if your hands are sensitive. And then rub that pole until its really shiny. Maybe polish each others. It doesn’t have to be a solo pursuit. You can lend each other a hand.”

The order will please many MPs who maybe wondering what to do with all the free time they will suddenly have? With self-catering accommodation not re-opening until the 12th of April. For others it will be a welcome invitation to travel to their second, third or fourth homes and polish their poles there.

“You’ll all be called upon one after another to do TV interviews and you need to look red faced and full of enthusiasm. A well polished pole will assist in this. Then run a flag up it! Make sure the pole is patriotically firm and ready to stand to attention for the government.”

While many will be happy take the order to heart, some have said it is essentially a pointless edict as “We’re all pole polishers already. Daily. And everyone can see it. We don’t need to be told to get our hands hot and sweaty. It comes naturally.”