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It’s time Remainers apologised for forcing the divisive EUref on our country

Humble pie is a dish best served cold, so the famous French saying goes, after translation into a more useful language.

It was first recorded in the minor literary work “Liasons Legerement Risques” by a long forgotten Continental author. It is likely to have been stolen from an English language work, but that is just par for course. It is well known the French harbour a millennia long envy of the English. This was best expressed in 1066.

The true born Englishman is known to have a rather more sanguine temperament. and to be more generous of spirit. If you doubt that fact you need merely consider the great effort taken in the Victorian era to give uncivilised countries their own railways.

No need for humble pie there! Just follow the directions of Mr Johnson’s sage and thoughtful government and acknowledge the undisputed, undiluted munificence of the British Empire.

Where there is cause for a wholesome serving of humble pie is in the tiresome discussions around Brexit.

I don’t know about you but I am still waiting patiently for a remoaner to apologise for forcing the country to hold the EU referendum in the first instance.

Now more than any period since, as the very Union of our country creaks and splinters as a direct result of the flawed Brexit they forced upon us, now would be a good time to say sorry.

We only had to hold the advisory referendum in the first place because the pro-European Union traitors in our midst would not stop carping on about the imagined pitfalls of full sovereignty.

And where are they now? As the bus burns in Belfast? Have you heard a single traitor say sorry? And this as I stand here with the fists of reconciliation clenched openly tight. Red of face. Heart pumping. Is it so hard for Remainers to just say “Sorry we did not just step straight out of the EU and establish a hard border on Ireland”?

Of course the real damage they did by forcing us to hold the referendum was what resulted afterwards.

Brexit was supposed to be a smash and grab of the world’s financial systems. Had we just done the deed as daylight bank robbery no one would have had time to do anything but acknowledge that we did indeed hold all the cards.

And now where do we find ourselves? Waiting with the dog eared patience bestowed upon us by the Almighty for Remainers to say that hardest of words.

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Why Labour needs a buffoon as leader

Labour cannot hope to progress under its current management. But if the Labour Party were ever to think seriously about becoming a political force in the UK, they must adapt with the times. The days of worthy but dull lawyers with forensic questioning skills are over. The Labour Party needs a buffoon as its leader. Send in the clowns!

Look at how well this approach has worked for the Conservative Party. Nowadays, of course, “conservative” is a dirty word in Conservative circles. The Tories have proved the most progressive party in recent years. The grey men have become showmen, and the greatest showman is of course Boris Johnson. Politically, the man is nowhere, but in the modern arena this is unimportant. Style has triumphed over substance, and until Labour learns this lesson it is doomed to failure.

It is not certain where this lefty buffoon may come from. Starmer is merely a throwback to the long-departed dreary competence of a Major or a Brown. Corbyn was worse: a throwback of a throwback, who never developed from being a shouty rebel at a Ban The Bomb rally. To stand a chance of even competing, Labour must drop worthy policy in favour of three word slogans. It must stop trying to sound reasonable, nobody wants that. It needs a vacuous fool to shout the first thing that comes into his head while waving a fish in the air. That is what the people want.

And note, it must be he, not she. Think of prominent left wing women, like Kate Hoey, Julia Hartley-Brewer, Arlene Foster. Not a trace of a sense of humour in any of them. No, you need a man, preferably a seedy aging Lothario who pleasures much younger women in a vain attempt to recapture his youth. A man, whose mere appearance and demeanour are comical.

Labour needs to be funny. Crack a joke, Keir! Tell us a rambling anecdote and lose your thread! Turn up to work drunk!

And then the Tories will really tear into you.

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PM announces national holiday to celebrate fact Brexit is done and no one talks about it anymore

RELAX AND PUT YOUR FEET UP : The Union Flag, made in China bunting market is set for its biggest boom period since last year’s VE Day parties with the announcement of a new national holiday.

Later today no less an important figure than the Prime Minister himself will take time out of his endless, grinding schedule of displacement activities to announce the additional bank holiday.

“It’s wonderful, isn’t it? A day of rest. You can spend some time at home with your family. Quality time. Although I’m not sure where Johnson will spend the day,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

In particular the day is planned to celebrate the fact that “Brexit is done and no one ever talks about it anymore.”

There is a certain understated irony in holding a national holiday to celebrate not talking about something by talking about not talking about it, and thus talking about it, but that has been described as “classic British eccentricity” and “all part of the fun.”

But there will be a serious note to the day as it is planned for a prominent Brexiter (or whatever they’re called now) to address the nation at midday.

“There will essentially be a sermon on the day to make sure everyone knows that any of the teething problems associated with Brexit, such as collapse in trade and violence in NI, those things are the fault of Remainers. Clearly the people who drove the project through to its final form with an 80 seat parliamentary majority and an official opposition endorsing Brexit as a concept, it can’t be their fault.”

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10 Downing Street walk-in fridge undergoes £2.6m major refit in case PM needs to hide in it

BABY IT’S COLD INSIDE : WARMING NEWS today with the confirmation that the 10 Downing Street Prime Ministerial fridge is to undergo a major refit.

The fridge is described as a “luxury, walk-in model complete with drinks”. It was installed early in the current prime minister Boris Johnson’s reign after he successfully dodged a TV interview during an election campaign, by hiding in a fridge.

“There was some blowback from dodging that live interview, as it made a mortal enemy of Piers Morgan. You remember him? Used to present a morning show or something. Hell hath no fury like a morning TV presenter scorned…”

The refit is expected to cost £2.6m which in the days of Brexit Britain is chickenfeed, if measured on the PPE contract scale.

“The Prime Minister will be able to continue with his usual governance style inside the fully hermetically sealed fridge which has no contact with the outside world, or any recognisable reality at all,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“Supporters of the PM need not worry that he will be bored though, as the refit will install a world king size, vibrating waterbed and enough chilled champagne to keep anyone going over a long weekend.”

The reason for the refit appears to be a reaction to current news in the United Kingdom, which is becoming a touch unpleasant.

“The Prime Minister has a growing list of tough questions to answer,” the source confirms. “Thus he needs somewhere really close by in which to hide.”

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It’s time for Michael Gove to lead the United Kingdom

Plumbum – the Latin word for “lead”

Our mighty seafaring nation is at a crossroads, much as the freighter the Evergreen was for a crucial week in March. If we are to choose well which way to turn next, so as not to constantly hit our head, we need a visionary to lead us. One with a will of lead.

To choose who is right it needs a careful examination of the possible candidates to lead the coup against Mr Johnson.

It’s true the governing Conservative and Unionist Party is speckled like a glitter rolled coprolite with any number of worthy successors, now that Mr Johnson has served his purpose. But who to give your backing to when the long night dawns?

The editorial board at UnoTesticular/Facilitator can be your guide.

It first needs be asked who is most ready to assume the weighty pyrite coated mantel of governance? To answer this ask yourself who is missing currently from the stage? And what a busy stage it is!

The answer to your questions are of course Michael Gove. Who best to lead the coup but the one who is now sharpening the knives.

The people have had enough of experts, this has been apparent since the 23/06/16. But we say to you the people can never have enough of Michael Gove! If ever plumbum was made into a man it was into this man.

And if you have any minor concerns, you need only read the words of one of Mr Gove’s most famous ancestors, below.

”I don’t know why everyone bangs on about the Ides of March constantly? You can knife your political opponents in the back whenever you feel the time is right.” – Goverious Goverium, Roman Provincial Governor, Britannia, 269 AD.

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BBC ordered to replace coverage of NI riots with images of a grinning idiot and Union Flags

STRONG AND STABLE GOVERNMENT : No one can forget the bullet the U.K. dodged when it chose David Cameron over Ed Miliband back in 2015, and today we are really starting to reap what we’ve sown.

Strong and stable government has of course been the watchword of the Conservative and Unionist Party, ever since it resumed its rightful place running the show back in 2010.

“The strength and stability only strengthened and stabilised once we rid ourselves of our coalition partners,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “If the British people, in their wisdom, had not had the common sense to give Dave ‘boy wonder’ Cameron a twelve seat majority back in 2015 heaven knows where we would be? We certainly would not have had that advisory referendum in 2016.”

Now of course Mr Cameron has long since ceased to be the steady hand on the tiller of the executive. He concerns himself with matters of high finance with the same expertise he showed in politics.

“Theresa May had a rather forgettable time as prime minister. Although her Brexit red lines did provide the secure ground of xenophobia and self-harm that our current PM built all too readily upon.”

Some of course would say that the current riots in Belfast are the fault of the prime minister. That making a man child who has never suffered any serious consequence for his misdeeds prime minister was a mistake of grave magnitude. But they of course are not patriots.

“Now we’re into the meat of what Brexit really means. The riots in Northern Ireland are teething problems. It will all calm down soon enough. And to reassure everyone that all will be alright, that all is worth the cost, what better than images of flags? What better than a grinning idiot and flags? But not just any flags. Union Flags. And not just any idiot. Boris Johnson level idiot.”

The BBC, with its new and much more patriotic leadership, can be trusted to get right on it!

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10 Downing Street twinned with Mar-a-Lago

SPIRITUAL TWINNING : It’s a case of grin when you’re winning at 10 Downing Street today with the validating news that ex-President Donald Trump has twinned Mar-a-Lago with 10 Downing Street.

While it is usually only towns, cities and villages that come to such arrangements internationally, it’s believed President Trump and the last Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Boris Johnson, considered the weight and scale of their mirrored sociopathic personality disorders were equal in size and weight. Essentially their psychological defects are cityscapes of the mind.

“There will be a special ceremony later today over Zoom where Donald will show Boris the crayon drawing he’s done all by himself as a design for the plaques they should both erect.”

It’s believed Mr Johnson feels not only a deep sense of gratitude at the invitation to twin the heart of British government with Mr Trump, but also a warm glow of mutual love.

“It’s been quite the bromance,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “When you consider the words Mr Johnson had to say about Donnie before his election? Stinging stuff. But through recognition of their similarities love and respect entwined like syphilitic vipers.”

The joining of the two distant geographical seats of power will also provide an enduring symbol of how both men may have failed while in office, but the stain they leave behind will be remembered.

“By their deeds will they be remembered,” the source adds. “Which is nice, as their words were and are meaningless.”

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Downing Street appoints Nigel Farage as peace envoy to Belfast

WORDS AND PICTURES : 10 DOWNING STREET has smelt the whiff of burning petrochemicals and plastics drifting across the Irish Sea, heard the crash of breaking glass and the scream of sirens in Belfast and decided action must be taken.

“It’s a tricky situation,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The pandemic has done a great job of obscuring the inevitable and multi-faceted harm from Brexit, but that can only be allowed to go on for so long before our polling suffers. But what to use as a cover next?”

It was felt that the eruption of violence on the streets of Belfast may do neatly, but it seems no less a earnest figure than the Prime Minister himself has decided action must be taken.

“Donald Trump was in the frame to be appointed peace envoy, but it’s felt a British patriot would be better to go over and explain fully the benefits of being a sovereign, trading country to the rioting parties.”

This put Nigel Farage in the frame. Dead centre.

“Mr Farage could sell ice to eskimos. He’s perfect. He’ll talk them down and around in no time. We’re a little concerned at losing the boost to consumption that rioting provides, but we’re also worried about polling numbers leading up to the local elections. And besides, he won’t have an official office, so he can slip back into the shadows and away from accountability once his work is done.”

What is to be done if Mr Farage isn’t able to stop the buses burning isn’t clear, as the PM had to leave the planning session to go to an arts and crafts lesson with a mistress.

“Farage did so much to bring about the exciting developments in Belfast. He should be given the opportunity to relish the inevitable consequences of years of tireless campaigning. He’s getting the old Britain back, just the way he wanted.”

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The War On Woke will never be won – which is why we must keep on fighting

Almost every day we hear of atrocities committed by The Left in the name of Woke. There is, it seems, a never-ending stream of new genders and pronouns, which we must instantly absorb and respect. There is a bottomless well of hand-wringing over everyday words, in case somebody could possibly take offence. There is a plethora of limitations on what we may say or believe. It is the duty of every right-thinking Englishman to push back against such poisonous flim-flam.

How seriously should we take this Wokery? Many would contend that it is so laughably pathetic that it should just be ignored. But this country has standards, and the world looks to England to take the lead in such matters. 

In England, we do not pander to the weak-minded. We lay down the law. That is called strong rule, and if you don’t like it, you are free to leave. There is a rhythm to life in England, and rules must be delivered from the top down. Getting above one’s station merely upsets the apple cart, and this is the aim of the Woke Brigade. They want to put the cat among the pigeons just to watch their betters have their feathers ruffled.

We must not allow the Little Man to become too big for his boots. Wokery aims to disrupt the English way of life, forgetting that it is precisely because of the English way of life that Britain became Great. We did not gain an Empire and win two World Wars by considering the correct form of address for a man who thinks he is a woman. In the old days we had a word for this sort of person: a nancy boy.

We can never win the War On Woke, but we must keep on fighting the good fight. Otherwise in no time we will all be forced to be non-binary non-gendered rainbow-coloured nobodies.

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Williamson to send every school cardboard cut out of new “Corporal Punishment” mascot to improve discipline

SIX OF THE BEST : EDUCATION SUPERHERO GAVIN WILLIAMSON has identified that parents are to blame for the damage to their children’s education during the pandemic, and he’s doing something about it.

It is important to note from the start that it is not the government’s shambolic and lethal handling of the virus, nor the ball-achingly inefficient Education Secretary and his likely biases which percolate his every decision.

“When kids return to school after the Easter break they’ll be faced with a dominating new figure in the classroom, Corporal Punishment, that will ensure weak willed and lazy teachers have the ally they need to maintain discipline,” an Education Secretary aide told LCD Views.

“Teachers have had most of the year off, so they will gain from knowing the boss is watching them too. Although rumours the Williamsons will have remote controlled cameras in their heads are unfounded, as the cameras are manufactured in the EU and were ordered on Amazon. They are currently lost in transit in a customs park somewhere.”

The Corporal Punishment mascots will be in the form of a cardboard cut-outs of the Education Secretary himself styled after a Victorian Era Lance-Corporal of the British Army.

“The cardboard has been made by taking a genetic sample of Williamson, who is surprisingly made of 100% cardboard, and most of it rather wet. We were able to culture this in a lab with a sample of verbal diarrhoea and grow the cardboard on mats. World beating British innovation in action. It is likely a technology we can export.”

Critics of the scheme are certain to do their usual routine of wanting to know which Tory Party donor has been given the tender to produce the hundreds of thousands of cardboard cut-outs that will be required, weekly, but they will be missing the point entirely.

“The children will be required to construct the Williamsons which will bring them close to the prime minister, seeing as the first day’s lesson will be arts and crafts. Obviously the children will need to be drunk. The national anthem must be played during the sessions and the Union Flag saluted every half hour.”

The success of the scheme is guaranteed, given that it is based on having cardboard cut-outs of police officers standing outside pound stores, in place of the real officers who are busy guarding the Winston Churchill statue.

“Real broom handles will be held by the Williamsons and the children will know that Corporal Punishment is there, accusing their parents of mishandling the pandemic. We expect discipline to improve in double time.”