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Union Flag opens Tinder account

HEAVY BREATHING : Breaking news right now that will have all professed patriots hot under the collar and weak at the knees with the discovery the Union Flag has opened a Tinder account.

It’s believed the decision by the flag comes after a swell in its confidence caused by receiving the advances of so many elected representatives all at once.

“It’s believed all Tory MPs, and others, are currently swiping right with hot and heavy hands in the hope of hooking up with the flag,” our proper patriots correspondent reports. “The flag has already been seen in the living rooms of numerous MPs lately, regardless of their marital status. It seems it has decided to step the action up a gear and get proper down and dirty with those that profess to want it the hardest.”

There is yet no comment from the Flag itself, who is believed to be looking down the list of admirers and deciding who really wants it the most.

“It’ll be stiff competition that’s for sure. Maybe the Flag will just play the field and see if it really gels with someone between the sheets. But word to the wise, put Elgar on the stereo and make sure your sheets are also flag patterned. You don’t want to blow your chances of shagging that flag when it’s your turn!”

The only potential problem is just how long you’ll get with the flag as it is also expected to appear in dozens of televised interviews during the week with true patriots.

“Make sure to keep it professional,” our correspondent advises. “No one needs a sex tale scandal of this nature, especially not involving a nationalist.”

Can you feel it? The urge to shag some fabric? The Union Flag knows you can. Go on and admit it and it’s definitely a swipe to the right.

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Tory MP tables bill requiring all U.K. public buildings renamed in honour of Winston Churchill

PATRIOTIC FERVOUR : Meile Tikket, Tory MP for Kassett Taip, has drafted a private member’s bill requiring all public buildings in the United Kingdom be renamed in honour of Winston Churchill.

The little known MP, who has represented Kassett Taip in Central Kent since the election of 2013, said he drafted the surprising legislation over fears Britain’s wartime leader would soon be forgotten.

“Thank you for talking to me, no other media organisation would. They fear being seen as self-professed patriots. That just shows you how toxic the wokeflake agenda has been on our media. As to my bill, my constituents don’t write to me over food poverty or the pandemic,” Mr Taip told LCD Views. “They write to me out of concern our glorious past as a country is rapidly being forgotten. I aim to do something about that.”

And the something would be a dramatic change in the landscape.

“All public buildings, government at all levels, schools, museums and military establishments will be renamed The Winston Churchill etc once my law comes into force.”

The action is believed to have the support of the prime minister, although as you can’t believe a bloody word he says, it’s not clear if that is true or not.

“I would go further too, with subsequent legislation. I would require all public houses to also be renamed in honour of Winston Churchill. There’s only three or four known pub names in the U.K. anyway, so it wouldn’t not be too great a shift and everyone would know what pub you were meeting at once they all have the same name.”

And it’s not just the names of public buildings the MP has his sights on. He is also concerned about flags.

“At the moment I am currently drafting legislation which will force all napkin and tablecloth makers to only use Union Flag fabric in their factories. Boxer shorts too. Union Flag. We hardly seem to know who we are as a nation anymore, but once a man can lawfully take a flag to bed and call it his wife, everything will be clear to everyone.”

LCD Views lends our support to Miele Tikket and wish him all the best with his lawmaking. Finally, someone is doing something that’s not boring, unlike the pandemic.

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British fish who wrote “Citizen of the World” as nationality on census hunted by Royal Navy

IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT HERE GO AND LIVE SOMEWHERE ELSE : The Royal Navy has been ordered today to work with Britain’s world beating fishing fleet and track down a treasonous fish.

The fish, believed to be a three year old cod called Todd, committed high treason when filling out the Census 2021. In the boxes regarding nationality it wrote “Citizen of the World” and in the ethnic group it wrote “European”, sparking a crisis within the Home Office.

“Priti Patel is liaising with both the MOD and Environmental Secretary Useless to launch a manhunt. It is hoped they capture the fish before it corrupts the entirety of British fish stock,” a Home Office source told LCD Views.

The nationality of fish has been a subject of heavy focus under the Johnson government, even while over 130,000 people have died during the pandemic.

“We need to interrogate Todd and discover who put him up to this,” the Home Office source continued. “The happiness of British fish is at stake and thus the entire nation.”

No action has been ruled out to track down Todd with LCD Views understanding that the government has not ruled out using Trident in a “carpark” strategy to destroy all life in the English Channel. If Todd can’t be captured and forced to recant than it is felt the next best step is to “sterilise the environment with nuclear energy”.

LCD Views appeals for anyone who may know Todd’s location to come forward and aid in a swift resolution of today’s national crisis.

“If you know the safe house Todd is staying at you can phone the police anonymously on a premium rate phone number which will shortly be released,” our source adds. “It is vital that Todd be stopped before another fish does something unrecoverable such as write French on the census.”

It is further believed that the Secretary of State for Fish Nationalism, John Redwood, has not been informed of the situation as no one wants to risk “him collapsing into a coma from the shock.”

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Bones of last Tory MP to tell the truth discovered under medieval carpark

HOW DO YOU KNOW HE’S LYING : GREAT NEWS TODAY with the announcement by archaeologists that they have discovered the remains of the last Tory MP to tell the truth.

The search has been on for sometime with many in the country believing there must once have been an honest Conservative MP? Just no one can remember when. Especially not when faced with the current endless parade of charlatans today.

“We are very pleased with our discovery,” lead excavator on the dig, Colin Astounds, told LCD Views. “When we started our search many told us it was pointless. But finally, with the discovery of the bones at a ruined abbey carpark we can say we have done it.”

The name of the MP is currently being kept confidential.

“This is just so any living descendants can be located and informed of the discovery of the remains. If they themselves are Tories, or if one is even an MP, hearing that in the long, lost past one of their ancestors once told the truth? It would be publicly very shameful. They would become a laughing stock amongst their entirely dishonourable contemporaries.”

What the truth was the MP told is not entirely clear, but legend has it he coined a phrase that has changed little since its invention.

“I can tell you what he said. The one truthful thing,” Colin Astounds said. “He told family members and constituents, who had gathered by his deathbed, the following, ‘When I die my lips will stop moving and in this way you will know I am no longer lying’.”

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Undercover police to put on women’s clothing and hang around in bars

I’M A LUMBERJACK AND I’M OK: Undercover police are adopting innovative measures to protect women in pubs, as part of “Operation Lumberjack”. In order to fully empathise with the female experience, male officers will dress up in high heels, suspenders, and a bra.

Female officers will be expected to dress up as Priti Patel.

In order to blend in successfully, further guidance has been issued by the Met. Officers must eat their lunch, go to the lavatory, and have buttered scones for tea – but this latter condition only after shopping on Wednesdays.

Once this programme is complete, officers must complete modules on Skipping & Jumping, and Pressing Wild Flowers. Once this completely normal behaviour has been assimilated successfully, police officers will be free to hang around in bars, where it is expected that they will blend in seamlessly.

As ever these days, some people will make an extreme effort to take offence at everything.

“This announcement demeans men who like putting on women’s clothing,” grumbled a tall, deep-voiced, heavily muscled and bearded lady, who gave her name as Lacie Smalls. “Nobody understands me, least of all my wife, and this Operation Lumberjack will only cause me further distress!” Smalls wiped away a solitary tear, picked up a huge axe, and departed to chop down some trees.

Smalls forgets that there is a long tradition of cross-dressing in the UK, albeit often for comic effect. Strip down any Shakespeare comedy or pantomime, and you will find boys pretending to be girls, girls pretending to be boys, and either pretending to be half of a cow.

So far, so good. But what do actual living, breathing, drinking-in-bars women think?

“It’s not the blokes in dresses who generally cause problems,” observed female person Rose English. “But it’s nice to know that there will be police out and about to look after our safety, though I worry that turning up looking like a Monty Python character might diminish their authority somewhat.”

Operation Lumberjack. Sleep all night, work all day, and you will be OK.

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Law criminalising “Laughing at a Minister’s Flag” to carry maximum sentence of “Working for Priti Patel”

THE PARTY OF LAW AND DISCORD : A new law will enter the United Kingdom’s statute books in the coming days in an attempt to crackdown on voters laughing at Ministers.

“It’s vital when establishing an autocracy that no one laughs at the preening prats placed in positions of power, merely because they are prepared to follow any orders for personal reward,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views.

The law has been nicknamed “STFU YOU PLEBS” by ministers, although Jackboot was also a popular suggestion.

The speedy action comes as a result of two television presenters laughing at Honest Bobbie Jenrick during a television interview. Mr Jenrick was in his fetish palace at the time. Mistakenly the presenters found it ticklish.

“In order for our project of flagshagging crony-capitalism to fully realise itself we need to have our thin skins very well protected,” the source explained. “If other people of status, like BBC presenters, laugh at our idiocy and self-importance the entire facade that conceals our wrongdoings and inadequacy could come tumbling down. So Jackboot it is.”

And the penalty for laughing at a Minister’s flag is certainly stiff enough to dissuade even the most unpatriotic soul.

“If convicted of laughing at a minister’s flag, or any MPs actually, you face a maximum sentence of working under Priti Patel. And few can survive that.”

It’s not all bad though, if arrested, sentenced and convicted you stand the chance of being dismissed with a six figure hush money payout.

“That’s a bit of a lottery though. I wouldn’t risk it. Unless you’ve a thing for being wedgied of course. Then go for it!”

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Theresa May accidentally writes “European” as her nationality on Census

WORDS AND DEEDS : Britain’s second worst prime minister ever (general, public consensus), Theresa May, is rumoured to have completed the 2021 Census a day early.

The reason for the fast, decisive and early action was a result of a course of self-improvement.

“She’s trying to break from the old habits of dithering and control freakery that marked her time both in cabinet and as prime minister,” someone claiming to be her aide said. “Like Grenfell? Remember that? In the end the City of London had to arrange a response as May was as non-reactive as granite.”

Of course it’s not fair to claim that May was always too slow to act. Who can forget the speed with which she arranged those fantastic “Go Home” vans when she was Home Secretary?

And dithering can have its advantages, given she became prime minister by hiding in a cupboard while the leadership contest played out, post the criminally corrupted EURef of 2016, before stepping out over the dead to claim victory and office.

“I am a little concerned though that she may now be suffering from a case of act in haste and repent at leisure. She is uncertain if she wrote British, Citizen of Nowhere, or European down as her nationality. She’s in something of a panic.”

Oh dear. Let’s hope she got it right. And it’s not a case of her usual way since returning to the back benches of saying one thing and doing another.

“You must be thinking of how she makes these forthright Commons speeches dressing down Boris Johnson over his latest atrocious bit of lawmaking, before voting for it anyway? She just wants to be loved. Like anyone. It’s important to remember that.”

Theresa May. By her words and her deeds, will she be remembered, by common Con-Census.

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Little man with massive flagpole “not compensating for anything”

IT’S NOT WHAT YOU’VE GOT, IT’S WHAT YOU DO WITH IT: Tory ministers have come under fire for displaying enormous flags. Psychologists are wondering if there might be a corresponding deficiency in other areas of their lives.

“Honest Bob” Jenrick is only the latest casualty. Experts are concerned about his mental health and possible erectile dysfunction after his latest round of flag fetishism extended to displaying a portrait of the Queen.

“The classic response from a man who feels, shall we say, a little inadequate, is to compensate in other ways,” explained leading shrink Dr Luna Tix. “It often happens in middle age. A man, realising that his libido is on the wane, will obtain a motorbike, a sports car, mistresses. He will act like he’s the alpha-est alpha male in the vicinity. He will surround himself with phallic symbols.”

He acts hard, because he’s not getting hard?

“Precisely,” confirmed Dr Tix. “An oversized, erect flagpole signals that even a double dose of Viagra no longer does the business. These inadequate men are screwing the country because they are unable to screw anything else.”

This crude but effective analysis has been challenged by prominent ministers, protesting their lack of perceived virility too much.

“Patriotism is measured by the flag,” protested Jingoism Minister John Bull, resplendent in Union Jack suit, waistcoat and tie. “The more flags the better, and the bigger the flagpole the better. It’s simple. It’s nothing to do with inadequacy, or the fact that my wife is happier with separate beds these days.”

So you aren’t compensating for anything?

“Of course not,” said Bull, pulling another couple of flags into position behind him. “That’s better, I can feel a real swelling of, erm, pride coming on now. It’s just that I’m overwhelmed with work right now!” He pulled on a simply massive Union Jack hat and sighed with joy.

It’s funny, really. But you mustn’t laugh, in case you make these little men feel even more inadequate, and feel obliged to send you an ironically stiff letter signed by all their little friends.

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All BBC presenters social media accounts will now be run by Russian bot farms to avoid repeat of Jenrick scandal

UNWOKE : THE NEW DIRECTOR GENERAL of the BBC has acted swiftly and decisively today after one of the TV presenters revealed they have their own mind.

The shocking revelation resulted from Naga Munchetty liking several ideologically unsound tweets mocking one of the most honourable members of Her Majesty’s Government, Robert Jenrick.

“Baffling why anyone would mock Jenrick and his giant Union Flag,” a source inside the DG’s office told LCD Views. “It’s a good thing a massive Tory donor has been made the impartial Director of the public broadcaster. Such thought crime can now be torn out root and branch.”

It is believed forces within government are pushing for ms Munchetty to take the walk of shame, as made popular by Game of Thrones.

“If TV presenters, people with status, are allowed to openly laugh at the idiots in government the whole system of Idiocracy, Chumocracy, Cronyocracy that is modern 21st Century British democracy is at risk. They simply can not be allowed to look foolish, no matter how foolish they are looking.”

There should be no repeat of the shameful episode as the DG is rumoured to have handed the entirety of BBC presenter social media accounts to Russian bot farms.

“We will have the messaging right from now on, even if the grammar may sometimes be a little off. You just have to look at the success of the PM’s tweets to see how strong and stable thousands of fake accounts posting almost identical messages is for controlling the narrative.”

No action has so far been taken over her partner in thought crime, Charlie Stayt, although it is believed Priti Patel has requested she be allowed to deal with him personally and on her own.

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BREAKING : Inquiry finds Prime Minister Boris Johnson lied when he gave a statement over accusations he lied about lying regarding a case of him lying about lying

PANTS FIRE ETERNAL : SHOCKING news today with the announcement of an inquiry into whether or not the last British prime minister, Boris Johnson, lied.

Shortly after 6am GMT today at an abandoned warehouse in a derelict docklands area a press conference was held with nobody present to announce the result of the inquiry.

We watched a live stream of the event as we could not afford the armoured car and security detail needed to navigate our way into and out of the unknown area.

We can exclusively present an excerpt of the inquiry’s findings below.

“It will not surprise to many who have watched the career of the UK’s court jester come king to hear we have concluded that the prime minister lied when he gave a statement over accusations he lied about lying regarding a case of him lying about lying relating to an appearance in the House of Commons wherein he is accused of lying when he gave a statement about a charge of lying about lying over an earlier incident where he lied when addressing accusations that he was lying over the findings of a study into him lying about lying to do with a situation where he claimed he misspoke, but as he had repeated the same statements numerous times, in various forms and contexts, it has been decided he was lying when he addressed the issue of whether he lied or told the truth about lying regarding charges he lied when addressing the accusations that he was lying about lying…”

Unfortunately we only have the excerpt of the press conference regarding the result of the inquiry as midway way through the statement the feed was cut and a photo of a shimmering Union Jack took its place.

The findings of the inquiry will be shocking to any intelligent life form existing beyond Bettlegeuse when the footage eventually reaches their receivers light years from now.

The prime minister is expected to address the inquiries later with a minimum of four flags behind him to distract you from the fact that whatever he says, he’ll probably be lying.

You’ll be able to decide this for yourself by watching very closely to see whether nor not his lips are moving.