LCD Views

WHATEVER YOU NEED WHENEVER YOU DON’T NEED IT : UK PRIME MINISTER Boris Johnson has interrupted his alleged afternoon drinking session to save Global maritime trade.

“It’s a big move for the boss to stop boozing post PMQs,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He usually spends the afternoon recovering from the only scrutiny he engages in. He’s a proper democrat. He should be building a bus out of empty wine crates later, but instead he’ll be patting himself on the back for solving this crisis. When he heard the words Suez and crisis he knew he was being called to act.”

The form the assistance will take will be largely symbolic, with the PM having authorised the sending on one Spitfire aircraft to be taken by cargo ship to the Suez Canal.

“Once there it will be assembled and flown over the stack freighter. The sheer uplift in morale alone should be enough to re-float the tanker and save global maritime trade.”

There were suggestions that he could organise for JCB to send some diggers, after photos circulated on social media of a digger attempting to push the stranded ship off the coast. But this was discarded after realisation that Mr Johnson may need them to drive through a wall of styrofoam boxes.

Additional assistance will be provided though in the form of the prime minister clapping at 8pm on Thursday evening. Potentially even while holding Dylin the prop dog.

When queried why the Spitfire though? Surely a more muscular and modern approach will be needed? The source just shrugged.

“A Spitfire flyover was good enough to thanks the NHS? It’s the template for all government gratitude now when what is needed is something substantially more than the symbolic.”

HOW TO WIN FRIENDS : Global Statesman and national powerhouse Boris Johnson has moved to soothe the troubled waters that is the strip of water separating mighty Global Britain from the others.

Fears have been growing over recent days of a full scale vacccccccine war between the free trading superpower of Global Britain and the fading, tyrannical Brussels.

“We have asked the MOD to draw up plans to carpet bomb Brussels with AZ phials,” a 10 Downing Street source says. “But the PM is insistent we do not initiate hostilities unilaterally. But should they mine the English Channel with say, polio shots, we will be ready with short range Small Pox bombs.”

Hopefully calmer heads will prevail and there will be no full scale outbreak of syringe war.

“We will continue to win the war of words with brinkmanship, bluster and bluff. The three B’s of Boris’s international strategy. Brussels will soon come to heel. Just like they did in the Brexit negotiations, which only cost us our entire fishing, farming and financial services to secure victory. In my personal estimation, we should promote Lord Frost to Field Marshall, just to be ready though. Just in case. His cunning alone would likely only result in minor losses, like at the Somme.”

But sharp eyed observers have suggested there maybe other reasons World King Johnson is less keen to flex the muscles of all conquering Britannia.

”I deny the quote is genuine,” the source said, in advance of the coming quote. “Some will say that it’s accurate. That Boris Johnson said he won’t engage in a vacccccccine tit for tat export ban with Europe, because we can’t, we don’t export any. But I couldn’t possibly confirm that.”

THE GRINNING REAPER : Drowning Street has responded to unpatriotic criticism of its handling of the cold pandemic today by pointing out an essential and pertinent fact.

“Were the warnings issued in English?” an official asked the vital question. “Or were they initially issued in a subservient language? I’ll repeat it again for any forrin correspondents present on this Zoom call. WERE. THE. WARNINGS. ISSUED. IN. INGLISH?”

The question is a timely one as the UK death toll nears 150,000, and someone has to be blamed. Anyone but 10 Downing Street.

“Clearly the blame is not the fault of the UK government,” the imaginary spokesman for Primed Sinister Boris Johnson continued. “You look at the way such diverse countries as New Zealand, Vietnam, South Korea, Japan, Australia and Thailand have handled the crisis? Very differently indeed without our exceptional, out of the box leadership. Just look at the paltry spend on their track and trace systems. You can’t be serious? Talking about looking a gift horse in the mouth!”

But what is in the box(es) are the bodies of the avoidable dead. Tens of thousands of boxes thanks to the genius strategies of Boris and Dom, a modern tour de force of anti-intellectualism and disregard of the bleedin’ obvious.

“We’re British,” the spokesman adds. “We can’t have been expected to understand the weird waffling of foreigners. They were all well advanced into the pandemic anyway and clearly in a panic. What could we learn from them? No. We choose to shake hands with the virus. We choose to take it on the chin. We choose to spend months having a public debate about transmission. Any idiot could have told you it was spreading asymptomatically, but we boldly discouraged asymptomatic testing. We debated face masks in a cold pandemic. Can you believe it? We did. We’re exceptional. We’ve recently realised school kids can spread it. Who would have thought? Did Johnny Foreigner say that? You can thank Boris Johnson for that. If you can find him. He’s pretty bored of all this now if I’m honest.”

British exceptionalism, more dangerous than any smart bomb. Let’s arm it, prime it and have Boris Johnson launch it at ourselves. Again and again and again.