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Back to the office, says man who hasn’t done an honest day’s work in his life

BACK TO SKOOL: It’s time to get back into the office. Just as the schools break up.

This is possibly to minimise contact between covid-carrying children and their unvaccinated parents. Or possibly just another screw up from a man who has a strong grasp on himself but on precious little else.

We as a grateful nation are delighted to take our lead from a man who claims to work night and day, but punctuates this with power naps. And we admire a man who thinks that “work” means “dressing up in hi viz while breaking the essential travel ban”.

Ordinary commuters up and down the land are excited about the return to work.

“I for one can’t wait,” said handpicked talking head Tori Plant. “It will be a joy to lose two hours of sleep, or even more if there’s a lovely breakfast meeting. To shave bits I haven’t shaved in months, to actually have a shower, to put on uncomfortable clothes and makeup, to drive into town and get frustrated with the traffic jams. I have missed battling with useless computers, interminable meetings called by someone who just wants an ego boost, and the constant low level harassment from male colleagues.”

That’s quite a list. But you haven’t mentioned your inspiration yet, and we agreed that you would.

“That’s an extra fifty grand, then,” she snapped. “Sorry, that’s off the record. Put it into my hand, right now… Thank you. OK, here goes… I take my inspiration from Boris, of course,” she explained, in a much warmer tone. “He works so hard, and he’s such a role model, and if he came to my workplace he would definitely be my office shag.”

I think we can all take inspiration from a man who has never done an honest day’s work in his life, yet manages to get the country’s top job. There’s a lesson there for all of us.

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Michael Gove’s mysterious absence explained “he’s at the egg laying stage of his life cycle”

CREEPY CRAWLIES : Questions are beginning to be asked after one of Brexit Britain’s leading lights has failed to illuminate for weeks now.

While alien life form Michael Gove does drop from public view now and then while shedding, the current absence is longer than usual. Why?

We spoke to an esteemed galactic-biologist, Professor Bettle Geese to try and shine a light into the fathomless darkness.

”It’s perfectly normal for visiting extraterrestrials to take some time for R&R during their extended missions to study life on Planet Earth,” the professor informs. “Michael Gove is no different. The harsh radiation of our Sun damages his cells at a molecular level and now and then he retreats into the hidden underground tunnel network that is his lair. Here he will repair himself by consuming clarity, honesty, good intentions and other positive traits of humanity. He will reappear shortly. Refreshed and ready to cause further suffering.”

While the professor is clearly an expert, so presumably can be ignored, he does have some more mundane suggestions.

“Of course the massive media splash over petty human Johnson’s affairs, and questions regarding potential financial wrongdoings are coinciding with the absence of the Gove life form. So perhaps a palace coup is in the works? That is part of Gove’s life cycle. Now and then he attempts to end the career of Boris Johnson. It has always failed so far, but if at first you don’t succeed, try and try again, as they say. Maybe though, he’s just hiding from all the damage he’s caused with Operation Brexit?”

And the learned boffin has one more suggestion. Potentially the most worrying of all.

“The real danger is that Gove is at the egg laying stage of his life cycle. This only happens once a decade. If so it should worry everyone. If he lays eggs then thousands of larval Goves will soon emerge to infect the population. It’s pretty certain life as we know it is over then. Last time he laid 52% of the population became infected. And we all know what happened then. We’re living in it.”

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Wetherspoons to bar customers not carrying a Union Jack

FLAG STONED: Patriotic penny-pinching pub chain Wetherspoons has taken steps to ensure the quality of its clientele. In future, customers wishing to sample their bargain beers must carry The Flag.

This is a simple procedure, ‘Spoons bosses believe, that will weed out undesirables. Any potential customers failing to carry a Union Jack will be forbidden to enter, in case they start to destroy the atmosphere with undemocratic language. 

Instead, non-flag bearers will be told, in no uncertain terms, to bugger off and go to the nearest champagne socialist bar, since they obviously hate their country.

“Our customers like a nice quiet skinful in their comfortable little bubble,” explained the manager of the Permanently Outraged Gammon, Rhys Pectarcuntry. “Our punters do not wish their evening out to be spoilt by some four-eyed Guardian reader drinking low-alcohol single malt and bothering them with facts and intelligent discussion. They make our core customer base uncomfortable, making them turn aggressive. They lost, they need to get over it, and drink somewhere else until they do!”

Remoaners are also being discouraged by the installation of life-size cardboard cutouts of Boris Johnson. Unfortunately the usual clientele tend to nick them unless they are bolted to the floor.

“We are also experimenting with personalised condiment sets,” continued Pectarcuntry. “You know, like Nigel Farage salt cellars. But Nigel wanted to charge £175 each, and the boss wouldn’t put his hand in his pocket, the tight git.”

As a compromise, ‘Spoons branches will play the collected speeches of Winston Churchill over the PA, instead of the traditional muzak. Daily Spitfire fly-bys were mooted, but abandoned when they realised that the planes wouldn’t fit through the pub doorway. Instead, the big screens will show war footage whenever there is a break in the football.

Just in case, ‘Spoons will employ bouncers to be on the alert for Union Jacks. No flag? No entry!

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Jennifer Arcuri added to Union Flag to better reflect values of Boris Johnson’s United Kingdom

THE WORLD CAN SEE : Fantastic news for flagshaggers today with the confirmation from 10 Downing Street that the old Union Flag is getting an update to reflect modern Britain.

“Many claim that the Union Flag is all shagged out,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Which given that it’s been in an orgy with the Tory Party, the fascists, the knuckledraggers and others who should know better for weeks is a reasonable presumption. But there’s life in the old cloth yet! It just needs a makeover.”

And a makeover is what the flag is getting as no less a star of modern British politics, and IT learning, than Jennifer Arcuri, has been added to the design.

“We feel the addition of the technological trainer really helps express the values expressed by the current United Kingdom government. And as you suckers elected us, they’re your values too!”

But a minority of voters elected the current government and its 80 seat majority.

“FPTP! Don’t you love it? You don’t need any definable policies with mass manipulation available via social media to the highest bidder. Just look what we’ve achieved!”

While many are happy to see one of Boris Johnson’s ex-mistresses now added to the Union Flag, some are worried about the international ramifications.

“Someone has to convince Australia and New Zealand and a few others they need to upgrade their flags too. But that’s tough. They’re saying we’ll just wait until Scotland leaves the Union thanks.”

Which under serial adulterer Boris Johnson looks certain, as the longer he is PM the deeper we’re screwed.

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PATRIOTS SALUTE as Union Flag to fly over every house Johnson shagged in – Blue Plaque industry furious!

WHAT’S FLYING ON YOUR POLE : THE BLUE PLAQUE industry is said to be so mad they’re considering legal action today after the Ministry of Infidelity chose the Union Flag as the monument to mark locations of Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s affairs.

“We already had compositions in the drafting stage,” Non-existent industry representative Bloo Plack told LCD Views. “The PM bonked here. It’s direct and to the point and who wouldn’t be proud to have one of those plaques over their door?”

But it seems whoever has the contract for Union Flags has muscled in on the plaque people’s business.

“That’s hundreds of plaques that now won’t be glued to exterior walls. You don’t need wind for a plaque. We also attract people’s interest. They come over and squint up wondering if they’ll recognise the personality remembered. The flag? It’s everywhere. Who is going to care if Boris Johnson shagged in the property or not? Unless they put a picture of the conquest in question on the flags? Are they doing that?”

The good news for the prime minister though is that most of the media focus and social media comment today does appear to be directly on the infidelity itself, and not the masses of public money that may, or may not, have been incorrectly paid to the conquest in question.

“Boris Johnson shagged here. It could have seen a boom for our industry. But instead it’s to be the Union Flag again. About the only positive I can see is that once it gets associated with Johnson and the moral sewer the man is, maybe, just maybe Tory MPs will be less keen to have them in their living rooms.”

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“Back to the office!” says PM who plans to spend next week out of office dressed as a tinker, tailor or soldier

OUT OF OFFICE AUTO REPLY : The nation’s shagged out leader, Subprime Minister Boris Johnson, is worried everyone not a multi-millionaire cabinet minister (who may or may not have significant interests in commercial real estate) may have had just a little too much time off work during the plague. He isn’t standing for it.

“He’s actually in any number of positions for it, judging by today’s Arcuri story,” a 10 Downing Street source commented. “This interview is invented right? And so off the record. Can we talk about lazy, work shy Brits now? Like the Subprime Minister?”

I think it best.

“Good. It takes one to know one, as they say. And Boris spends most of his time out of the office. You know this because he’s always happy to share the photos of his playtime. And he’s very playful. He needs daily exercise like a dog that needs castrating or it will never calm down. So many legs to shag. All of them. It’s about dominance though, the leg shagging, not just pent up sexual frustration. You get that right?”

He seems a regular expert at work avoidance, to judge by his social media feeds.

“Well a succession of younger blondes with interesting friends don’t just look after themselves. You’re lucky he has any spare time or energy left to think about managing the country as it is. His image is the most important aspect. Don’t you just love him? What a rogue. I mean a less competent prime minister may have seen half a million die over the last year. When you think about chasing that bit of blonde totty that just happened to walk by…wait. Sorry. Let’s keep on top of work shy Brits.”

Please.

“Get back in the office! That’s the message. Just like last summer as the plague was ebbing. Give a kick and get it flowing again. We’ll be rebooting eat out to help out next. With a different title of course, as the last one risks denting Rishi’s prime rep into subprime too. It’s time to move on from that. But not for Boris. He’ll be leading by reverse example.”

What’s he dressing up as next week?

“Monday is a tinker. Tuesday is a tailor. Wednesday is a soldier. Thursday and Friday are top secret. Now back onto the trains and into the office with you. Only the alpha males get to be work shy!”

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Brexit voting expats “delighted” that their European nightmare is coming to an end

IF YOU LOVE THE UK SO MUCH, WHY DON’T YOU GO AND LIVE THERE: The Brexit voting expat community in Europe is getting its dearest wish. They are finally coming home! 

The expats have endured years upon years of horrible Spanish sunshine, disgusting picturesque beaches and unthinkable siestas. Now at last they will be able to experience the undiluted joy of damp gloomy days in some godforsaken British town. 

“We have got our bags packed, and we can’t wait to come home!” exclaimed an excited Claudia Daze. “I’m utterly delighted! It’s ok here, but we miss the sovereignty and the flags and the chill wind and the relentless drizzle!” 

Claudia’s husband, Rainier Daze, was equally enthusiastic. “To be quite honest, you can have enough of sunshine, cocktails on the beach, open air swimming pools, the easy life,” he said. “After a while, you hanker after misery, not speaking to your neighbours, and crappy government.” 

Claudia and Rainier pronounced themselves “Delighted” that the 90 days out of 180 are finally up, meaning that they can at long last return to Blighty. 

“I mean, it’s been a total nightmare, know what I mean?” said Claudia, admiring her tan. “I mean, there’s foreigners everywhere. They seem quite nice, but they won’t learn our language, and they do insist that we have paella and sangria, when really all we want is a cup of PG Tips – two sugars, please – and a Spam fritter with oven chips.”

“And ketchup,” Rainier interjected. “And you can’t get real white sliced bread or gravy granules for love or money. Thank goodness we are going back!”

Leave means Leave. So will you be swapping Cordoba for Corby? Sevilla for Swindon? Barcelona for Burton-on-Trent?

“Sounds perfect,” said Rainier, reclining on his sun lounger and sipping an exotic drink. “I can’t wait to get hammered on cheap lager…”

“…and lose all our money at the bingo…” said Claudia.

“…and have a screaming row and not talk to one another for weeks,” concluded Rainier. They both sighed contentedly and stroked their fresh new Blue Passports.

Some expats are furious at having to leave. But they don’t respect the flag, the Queen and democracy, so it doesn’t matter what they think.

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I swerved to avoid a duck, says pilot of grounded boat in Suez Canal

DUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU: The pilot of the stranded barge in the Suez Canal has given his version of events. It appears he was trying to preserve local wildfowl.

The HMS Brexit is now so firmly wedged between the banks of the canal that it will take a monumental effort to free it. It has created so much friction for local trade that not even 73 pages of paperwork and a large bribe can ease it.

“I did what any pilot would have done,” insisted pilot Harrrda Starrrboard. “There I was, steering hard to the right, according to UK guidelines, when out of nowhere this duck appeared in front of me. She had all these fluffy little ducklings with her. You should have seen them, they were so cute!”

Evasive action was clearly necessary.

“Yes, well, I panicked, didn’t I,” said Starrrboard. “I didn’t want to run them over, so I braked hard, swerved, and sounded my horn all at the same time. Unfortunately the back end swung round, and, well it’s like the barge equivalent of your car ending up in the ditch. I called the AA at once, but to be honest, this has nothing to do with my drinking problems.”

Meanwhile the duck was unimpressed.

“It’s that old canard, swerved to avoid a duck,” quacked Livina Pond. “It’s come to a pretty pass when I can’t take the ducklings out for their daily exercise without some stupid drunk piloting their massive boat past my front door. I’ll tell you what this canal needs, it needs speed bumps and a pelican crossing, that’s what it needs. This used to be a nice quiet backwater once, before these maniacs started using it as a cut-through.”

If you don’t like it, you could always move.

“What, and go and live in the Med?” quacked Pond furiously. “Have you seen the prices there? And all the bloody tourists! No, I’ll take my chances with the boats, thank you very much!”

Got to love a duck!

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Priti Patel’s beauty expenses vital to conceal her true appearance

The revelation of expenses claims by Priti Patel have caused quite a stir since they were released this week. They include over £100,000 on services provided by Global Beauty Products and their subsidiaries. People have been asking not only why beauty treatments should be considered valid expense claims for the taxpayer to cover, but also why anybody needs to spend that much money on them. It turns out there is a reason that answers both questions at once.

Our glorious leader Boris Johnson made a statement on the matter last night.

“Of course she needs that much on beauty products. It’s a vital expense claim because it covers up her true appearance, which is part vampire, part demon from hell. Golly gosh yes, I even accidentally tented my undergarments the one time I caught her without her disguise – er, makeup – on.”

This confirmed some long-held suspicions, and indeed Mr Johnson went on to elaborate:

“Some of her slaves – er, wait, I mean staff, er, hang on no I don’t – were rendered incapable of doing any work at all when they saw her in her natural state. So her beauty expenses are vital to ensure that home office slaves – er, staff – can do their jobs properly. Not to mention the fact that when she’s done up like that it really turns her into absolute top totty. Phwooooaar!”

This was a revealing remark by our leader, as it shows that even when dealing with the spawn of Satan, his brain is firmly in his y-fronts.

But if Priti Patel’s true appearance is not of this earth, it begged the question of why she picked this particular form for her disguise, given the racism and sexism of the current government.

“Well that’s exactly it,” Johnson answered. “By appearing to the world as a woman of colour, Priti can announce any policy she likes, no matter how vile it is, and if you dare to question it, you’re the racist sexist bigots because she’s a woman of colour. It’s a masterstroke! And speaking of which, all this talk about her is making me feel in need of, er, well, not to beat about the bush, a bit of wiff waff myself if you catch my drift…”

At this point the interview ended and he went inside, after which we could all distinctly hear the sound of something creaking.

So it’s not so much The Devil Wears Prada as The Devil Wears Global Beauty Products, with full prime ministerial endorsement. In more ways than one.

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Boris Johnson suggests Suez Crisis can be solved by ignoring it “like I do with the problems I cause”

STILL STRONG AND STABLE AFTER ALL THESE YEARS : The Prime Minister Boris Johnson has time on his hands currently, what with the plague sorted, his home redecorated and an official opposition stuck in “Constructive” mode. This benefits the world.

“He didn’t have to waste time with that Biden/EU joint call either, for obvious reasons, so he was able to turn his impressive intellect to solving the Suez tanker crisis,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views.

“The problem with the crisis resolution so far appears to be that no one can believe that the British didn’t cause it. Which makes a nice change when it comes to drama in Suez, I can tell you.”

What the prime minister intends to suggest will come as no surprise however. And that’s not because of his track record as a problem solver.

“He doesn’t of course have problem solver on his long CV,” the source admits. “But that’s what makes him so strong in a crisis. Experience. It counts for a lot.”

And it seems while idiots run about suggesting such nonsense as widening the channel, giant magnets, salvage crews with the relevant experience and so on, they’re missing the obvious way to resolve the crisis.

“Just ignore it,” the source shrugs. “That’s Johnson’s advice. He’s created massive problems all through his career, and in his personal life, and just ignoring them has worked out massively in his favour so far.”

Just look now at the problems he’s caused with Brexit. Just ignore it. Problem solved.

“It’s just Boris being Boris.”