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Man grateful he won’t lose any credibility in texting scandal

TEFLON : The great bull in the china shop of British politics, your leader Boris Johnson, is said to be planning a good romp among the aisles in the aforementioned china shop today, just like every other day.

Lesser politicians would have fallen long before now in the aftermath of any of the scandals Mr Johnson has been involved in. Indeed lesser politicians would never have risen to be prime minister. Mr Johnson thus displays a political skill that is rare indeed.

“He’s having a cracking time over this Dom text business,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “He’s overseen one of the world’s worst CV-19 responses and no one is suggesting he leaves office. A few texts back and forth with a billionaire offering to fix tax rates aren’t going to slow him down.”

And one particular source of comfort and merriment in the current feeding frenzy over the text messages is knowing that Mr Johnson’s reputation will not be damaged by it.

“This is where his genius lies. He shed any pretence to credibility long, long ago and the people went for it. So who cares? What are you going to do about it? If anything this current furore just shows how much more powerful than you he is. So deal with it.”

Presumably Mr Cummings won’t lose any credibility either, having also completely incinerated his own last summer when he chose to destroy the pandemic public health message.

“Just think yourself grateful that you get to witness the deeds of the mighty. Governance as entertainment. Entertainment as diversion as the state’s coffers are looted. It’s what the people voted for.”

But what about rumours that the release of the text messages are actually part of coordinated plan between Gove and Cummings to bring Johnson down?

“Barely credible. Gove is a patriot.”

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Boris Johnson is right to fight any attempt by Brussels to de-canonise Saint George

Envy is to be expected from Brussels as Global Britain strides the world stage like a colossus. We must take it in our stride like a lion takes the cries of despair from the ants it passes over. We must however draw a line when envy becomes naked vindictiveness.

Luckily we have a prime minister in Boris Johnson who knows when to raise his sword, heft the red crossed British shield, misremember and call out Shakespeare and turn to fight.

Now is one such moment. It is a crossroads in the glorious triumph of a liberated Britain.

It’s all very well for the unelected tyranny across the ENGLISH Channel to take its small comforts by destroying our export industries, it’s another matter entirely when they strike at the core of our national identity.

“Thou shalt not covet they neighbours Saints” – British school children imbibe the 11th commandment with the free school milk their Conservative betters generously bestow upon them. It is just a shame for bi-lateral relations between sovereign equals that the beleaguered offspring of the failing nanny, superstate are not equally nourished. Perhaps then they would show due respect.

UnoTesticular plants its banner now in the sodden soil of the red-taped battlefield with Brussels and declares “HANDS OFF OUR SAINT!”

We implore Mr Johnson to fight any attempt by Brussels to de-canonise Saint George. I would suggest sitting the EU ambassador down on the least comfortable chair available in Downing Street and threaten to no longer recognise Berlin as a city. That will see Merkel think twice.

The EU have already gone beyond the pale. Erroneously they claim the most famous of Englishmen is a patron Saint of most of their countries, and the Levant. We have turned a cold and silent shoulder to such provocation as a mature nation will. But any further moves to downgrade one of the greatest of English symbols on the world stage must be resisted. By force of arms if necessary. Long bow clearly, as that will be best to frighten Macron.

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The Woke Brigade won’t like it, but I still make shepherd’s pie with real shepherds

Stop whatever you are doing. Now. Just in case you are already triggered by my headline. Those who take offence at flags, old-school calling a spade a flipping shovel, and people having more money than you, sit down and pour yourself a stiff dandelion tea. Now.

Political correctness be damned. If I want to make a shepherd’s pie the traditional way, but introduce a couple of novel ingredients BECAUSE I HAPPEN TO LIKE THEM, what business is it of yours? Sip your plant-bothering bunny-hugging vegan Marxist Conservative bleeding-heart herbal muck, if you must, and do try to man up a bit.

Every day, it seems, brings another instance in common everyday life where one feels the Woke Brigade breathing down one’s neck. Not in person, of course, one would set the hounds on them if they came within a ten mile radius, but that unnecessary worry is always there. One is forever waiting for the Left Wing Media to pounce. This is not a petty matter. This is an entire way of life under threat, just in case you think that we UnoTesticular readers are thin-skinned snowflakes who, deep down, realise that they are archaic dinosaurs with the social mores of a face-eating leopard.

So, without further ado, I would like to share my Genuine English Shepherd’s Pie recipe, made with genuine British shepherds. (If Harrod’s is out of stock, and you are slumming it in Waitrose, don’t worry, they do a perfectly acceptable range of British Tradesmen.)

All measures, needless to say, are in Imperial.

1 massive knob (of butter)

1 Spanish ENGLISH onion

2 BRITISH shepherds, peeled and chopped 

A goodly splodge of Greek-style ENGLISH yogurt

1 tin Italian ENGLISH tomatoes

1 teaspoon Dijon NORWICH mustard

1 enormous chip on the shoulder

ABSOLUTELY NO QUINOA

Combine the ingredients together (or get Cook to do it), cover with BRITISH mashed potato, and bake for a while. If you CHOOSE to include tomato ketchup or Worcestershire sauce, GOOD FOR YOU. 

Serve on a bed of Union Jacks with a fine ENGLISH wine, and enjoy the warm sensation of self-righteous superiority seeping through your veins. And may the Woke Brigade choke on their free-range organic cornflakes.

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Liz Truss to read her poetry to Aussie trade delegate so he agrees to anything to escape

HAMMER AND TONG : The UK’s super league trade negotiator Liz Truss has got everyone right where she wants them. This goes for the Aussies too.

“They can’t bring sandpaper to this fight,” a DIT aide tells LCD Views. “We’ll frisk them upon entry. Liz has it all lined up. The way to both decrease our carbon footprint and crush the bloody Aussies is all in the mind.”

In the mind of Liz Truss. A sparkling palace with mirrored halls if ever there was one.

“The uncomfortable chair wheeze was just to soften him up. Let him know he’s now fighting to earn his place in the super league of global trade. We’ve got more though. Like a prize fighter Liz is going to keep hitting him till he’s on his knees.”

The next meeting will see further left hooks, upper cuts, right jabs and even a full nut.

“She’ll give him a hat with corks hanging off it next. That will completely baffle him as he’ll likely be looking to give her one. Then she’ll ask if he had a kangaroo as a pet growing up? And how come he hasn’t been eaten by a shark while playing golf?”

Once the Aussie guy is battered and bruised, desperate for a way out, then Liz will hit him square in the guts with a move that will see him agree to anything.

“Once he’s on the ropes that’s when she finishes him off by reading him a selection of her own poetry. Roses are red, violets are blue, but my flag is much bigger than you. That sort of stuff. Ring a ring a ring a rosie, a pocket full of how’s it going Sheila! It’s Bruce! That’s her more experimental work.”

Throw another shrimp on the barbie! Liz Truss is taking down the Aussies!

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Boris Johnson asks James Dyson to build a bridge to Northern Ireland in exchange for council tax refund

GREAT EXPANSE OF NOTHING : When self professed patriots assemble in the national interest anything can happen.

This age old truth has never been truer than in the current epoch of Global Britain and Global Britain in crisis. It’s good to know the self professed patriots have indeed assembled.

“They’ve come together via WhatsApp,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “All texting each other like crazy. It’s a complete love in. Boris and James are texting so frequently people are just amazed at the depth of feeling.”

Depth is a key word in the relationship. Depth of the PM’s pockets as he uses his position of First Lord of the Treasury to spend, spend, spend the UK’s way out of crisis. Just look at the results. They’re plain as day. If Mr Johnson wasn’t PM the U.K. pandemic death toll would likely be very different. But he hasn’t done it alone, the spending that is.

“Mr Dyson has been a great assistance. He’s promised to build life saving equipment. It’s the thought that counts after all. Now he’s going to promise the big one.”

The big one being a bridge between Scotland and Northern Ireland that will magically solve the customs border crisis Mr Johnson caused by promising not to cause it.

“All he wants in exchange is a refund on his council tax to the tune of tens of millions. It’s an offer too good to be true. The PM has grabbed it. Just think of the headlines.”

And what will the bridge be built of?

“Why hot air of course. This way it can float over the customs border and the EU won’t even notice. Just like no one noticed the ventilators.”

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Johnny Mercer officially the last person on Earth to realise Boris Johnson is full of shit

LAST IN A CROWDED FIELD : Tory MP Johnny Mercer yesterday became the last in a very crowded field to realise Prime Minister Boris Johnson is completely full of shit.

The shock revelation occurred to Mr Mercer somewhat belatedly, given that as already stated, everyone else on Earth worked it out donkeys years ago.

The lightbulb moment caused Mr Mercer to attempt to resign on principle, not quite resign on principle, only to be sacked. Presumably for a display of doubt and disloyalty given that Boris Johnson has no principles at all. A fact confirmed by numerous investigations with an electron microscope.

What Mr Mercer will do now isn’t entirely clear although it’s likely he’ll need a good and long sit down.

“He’ll be needing to cast his mind back over recent years and ponder if there were any signs Boris Johnson is completely full of shit earlier?” our Westminster analyst asks. “Perhaps when the Prime Minister lied to the Queen? Not that anyone should resign over that minor little fib. Perhaps when he spent months touring the country in a bus painted with proven lies? Hardly anyone noticed, to be fair. Certainly not Johnny.”

Maybe the promise to avoid customs barriers for Northern Ireland by the PM could have enlightened Mr Mercer? But why would they as the PM only went and did it anyway.

“It’s really puzzling,” our analyst continues. “You have to wonder what Mr Mercer will do when he learns bears shit in woods and the Pope is Catholic. It will be mind blowing.”

For everyone else though the lingering question is perhaps more why now? He’s given a reason, and it’s a credible one, to do with veterans, but given the unceasing catalogue of complete and utter horse shit Johnson has showered the U.K. in for years now, why now?

Perhaps when Gove and Sunak come out of hiding they can enlighten all of us…

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New £2.6m briefing room to now be used by PM to Clap for the NHS

BURNS PUBLIC MONEY FOR FUN : BORIS JOHNSON has come a long way from the rumoured days of youth when he burnt £50 notes in front of homeless people for fun.

That sort of small time waste and intentional cruelty is now very much amateur league stuff in consideration of his activities as First Lord of the Treasury. Now he burns billions and incinerates them on the hour.

“It’s a calling,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Some are called to be doctors, nurses, firefighters or any number of professions that improve the lives of others. Johnson was called to be a human wrecking ball on the public’s finances.”

Whether it’s repainting planes he will hardly use to be more pointedly jingoistic, or refitting Downing Street out like a Topkapi Palace harem, Johnson is not shy at shovelling wads of cash onto a bonfire of his vanity.

“The £2.6m Downing Street press briefing room was small time but nicely symbolic,” the source continues. “Especially now it’s just going to be another meeting room, and after those nice Russians did such a good job on it too.”

It’s not entirely clear why the PM has backtracked on the US style briefings. Presumably because the individual hired to perform the sacred duty of shielding him from scrutiny, A Stratton, has decided she doesn’t want to completely shred her reputation on his pointy altar? Or maybe because now that Trump has gone US briefings are actually useful again.

“None of that matters. What matters is what Mr Johnson will now use his new £2.6m room for. He’ll turn up every now and then to clap for the NHS. Once he’s performed 2.6m claps we’ll be starting to see real value for money!”

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It’s time we had a European Super League for fox hunting

Amid all this hoo-haa about Association Football, one thing has escaped the notice of the self-important hoi polloi. Let them play football. It’s about time the Sport Of Gentlemen had a European Super League of Gentlemen.

A true Sport involves danger, risk, cunning, skill, and tearing an innocent animal apart. Very few of these attributes apply to Soccer and its overpaid crybaby players. The sight of blood is all too rare, and generally staunched instead of being allowed to flow freely. The object of pursuit here is not a lethally swift and unpredictable vermin, but an anodyne ball and a stationary net.

Football does have more noble origins, whereby at one time it was common for two mobs of common ruffians to fight tooth and nail over a barrel of beer. Instead of an almost daily occurrence, this would have been an annual spectacle, one single day when the serfs could be spared from working in the fields. In some of the more – shall we say – conservative villages in the shires, this noble tradition is still maintained. The score would be counted in broken limbs, missing teeth, and fatalities. Now that would be a Spectator sport worthy of the name.

And so we come to fox hunting. The Woke Brigade won’t like this discussion, but it is time to override their weedy handwringing once and for all. Gentlemen from across Europe should come together and compete on a level playing field. There may be objections about animal welfare and veterinary certificates, but a quick text to the Prime Minister should sort that out in no time.

There will be no prize, other than pride, naturally. But there will be casual expenses to pay for, such as transportation, grooms, stirrup cups and so forth. The serfs will have to put in an extra shift and contribute their earnings. There will be no tawdry TV coverage. This is a Trial of Champions, not bread and circuses.

So let us blow our own horns and release the hounds. Tally ho!

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Why Tory MPs should be applauded for courageous selfies at food banks

Foodbank selfies by Tory MPs are of course frowned upon by that persistent scourge of modern British life, the ‘woke’. I won’t capitalise the noun as it is neither proper nor to be encouraged.

Clearly the so called progressive forces on the map of the culture war wish to drag our great country back in time to when the food bank sector was in its infancy. In spite of all the claims to be concerned for their fellow man, this desire to rob the needy of sustenance gives the lie to their claims.

And in a pandemic too!

“If an elected official can not celebrate the fruits of his labour, what is the point of office?” – Z. Z. Zenopho, Arcadia, 324BC.

Dominic Raab is the latest to attract the ire of the filthy, dirty nailed, beggar soldiers of the extreme left-anarcho-fascist-antifa-international-snowflake-conspiracy. Or ‘Woke’ for shorthand.

Can you tell me of any other Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary of State in modern times who would have taken the time out of his busy schedule to visit a foodbank? The MP for Esther and Voltar is exemplary in his desire to make an example of himself. This can only encourage the lazy to work harder and feed themselves.

Imagine yourself as a disappointed small boy, stomach pains from hunger, holding a dry pot noodle in your hands, as your lazy parents take you shopping for freebies at the local food bank. If only they would take a fifth or sixth job, just like architect of austerity George Osborne, then maybe one day you could have a steak.

Suddenly this haze of despair at the accident of your birth is blown away by the hot wind of Raab, striding like a colossus across the very foundation stones of the caring and conservative policies that put you here to begin with!

“There is a man!” You would doubtless cry, to the embarrassment of your workshy family.

Maybe if you were very lucky Mr Raab will gift you an autographed copy of a child’s atlas? Assuming he has finished studying it.

Maybe, if the Gods have really decided to favour you this day, Mr Raab will tower over you as he raises his smart phone high and takes that selfie? Imagine your giddy thrill to see the throbbing temple veins of this titan up close?

No doubt your listless mother would find the energy to swoon.

For like the great trophy hunters of old, ridding the sub-continent of the terror of large cats and rhinoceros, a Tory MP in a food bank is indeed making a clean kill and taking a pelt to hang on their wall. If you’re just lucky enough, it maybe yours.

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Johnson to swap statue of Churchill for one of Dyson in exchange for Dyson paying less tax

THE FREE LUNCH : The UK’s tireless pub bore, and also prime minister, Boris Johnson is rumoured to have agreed a world beating deal with offshore billionaire James Dyson.

The deal is rumoured to be statuesque and will see the tired old, troublemaking statue of Winston Churchill replaced with one of Mr Dyson.

“The new Dyson statue will be made of plastic, just like his vacuum cleaners and his patriotism,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views.

The statue will be manufactured by Mr Dyson personally using British taxpayer funds and will come with a sizeable tax deduction upon completion.

Mr Johnson is said to have been thrilled when approached by Mr Dyson with the offer as he believes it “best symbolises the modern British, self-professed patriot”. It will be an example to all.

The payoff for Mr Johnson is not only the opportunity to attach himself to Mr Dyson’s reputation, but there’s something else in the bargain.

“James has promised Boris he will develop him a special edition Boris Johnson Vacuum Cleaner, which will definitely not suck. Also potentially a new Johnson hot air blade, to really blow those viral particles all over the place. A fitting tribute to his work in the pandemic.”

Mr Johnson is expected to gift the vacuum cleaner to either his mistress, his estranged wife, his fiancé or that new bit of hot totty he has his eyes on. Whatever seems funniest after smashing through a crate of claret.

The Dyson statue will also be a re-design of the boring old statue format.

“It’ll just be his head. Massive. Full of self-importance and blown completely out of proportion to his contribution to modern British life.”