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John Redwood demands to know why Boris Johnson hasn’t built a bridge to Ireland yet

EVERYMAN’S EVERYMAN : JOHN REDWOOD MP, one of the brighter lights in the modern Conservative party, has written a rather demanding tweet requesting answers from the Prime Minister.

Mr Redwood has long been at the forefront of extolling the clear and obvious benefits that would come from Brexit, and happy to tell everyone about it. Just wait and see. Now though, there are signs that he may not be getting what he expected. Which is a total shock, at least to him.

“He’s already asking what happened to fishing in order to Get Brexit Done?” our deadwood specialist notes. “I mean that’s a good start. If you help cut off access to your own fishing industry’s markets the least you can do is ask what happened?”

He’s got his eye on the bait ball!

“He’s noticed the outcomes aren’t what he promised people and he wants someone to tell him why. Solid governance. And he thought really long and hard about Brexit too. A full five minutes. Just yesterday he was wondering IN PUBLIC why the government hasn’t slashed taxes and regulations and turned the UK into a trading superpower already? Which is neat, it displays such a complete failure to grasp the Brexit project that it helps explain how we got here.”

Not many people can fail to notice that setting yourself in direct opposition to the largest trade bloc on Earth will have real world consequences?

“Redwood can. So too David Davis I expect. But he’s currently busy playing at being a virologist with the same confidence and swagger he brought into play when he quit as Brexit Secretary.”

Mr Redwood is now passed fish and onto infrastructure.

“He wants to know now why the bridge to Ireland hasn’t been built? The one Johnson keeps talking about building across a WW2 munitions dump in the Irish Sea? Or maybe via the Isle of Mann. Good way to throw millions to mates for a feasibility study. Doesn’t matter if there is no actual outcome. That isn’t the point of Conservative governance. Some are a little slow on the uptake. Like Redwood. He’s quite sweet in his own way. A babe in the woods. Imagine believing any promise made by Boris Johnson?”

You’d have to be dead inside?

“With a brain made of wood. Let’s see how things go from here on in, as none of the promises materialise. Sooner or later some Tory MPs may realise they’ve been played and just like the fantasy constructs they believed in to justify Brexit, every Johnson promise is just a bridge of the mind.”

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Police arrest Churchill statue for wasting police time

PEACEFUL PROTESTS: The full force of the law was brought to bear this weekend. Many officers were diverted from other duties to watch the statue of Churchill.

In the event, the statue protested peacefully, and didn’t attempt to riot, or even to chant slogans. So it was arrested for wasting the time of its heavily armed guard.

Naturally the Met was quick to defend its actions. Spokesman Eve Ningall immediately went on the attack.

“Churchill is a known individual of interest,” stated WPC Ningall. “Also a known ringleader, and a rallying point for the worst kind of violent nationalists. We couldn’t take the risk of leaving him to fight us on the beaches!”

This is a statue, for goodness’ sake. Why all the fuss?

“Threatening to deface a statue now carries a ten year sentence,” countered Ningall. “We are protecting the public from themselves. The Met has no problem with arresting people on spurious grounds, but the paperwork is an actual nightmare. Fortunately nobody was interested in the statue. Which is why we had to arrest it!”

Now it makes sense. Arrested because it didn’t cause the expected problems?

“Yes, it’s the same reason we go in hard on protesters who don’t cause any trouble,” admitted Ningall. “It’s a quick win, they get a night in the cells to think about all the trouble they caused us, we meet our daily arrest target. The snowflakes can grumble all they like on social media, at the end of the day we have a job to do.”

What will you do with Churchill?

“Charge him,” said Ningall. “Charge him with wasting police time, for protesting peacefully, for obstructing the highway, for having an ugly mug. Basically we are going to throw the book at him. But those aren’t his biggest crimes.”

You could almost feel the temperature drop several degrees. Ningall’s voice grew frosty.

“He was in the public domain without a Union Jack.”

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Jesus rises for one day just to tell Jacob Rees-mogg to fuck off

DIVINE INTERVENTION : Renowned lost lamb of God, and serial voter against feeding hungry children, Jacob Rees-mogg, has had his prayers answered by receiving a personal message from Jesus.

The message is reported to have been delivered personally by the Saviour and has been labelled as such a ‘Saviourgram’.

Jesus is said to have had “a gut full of the hypocrisy” of powerful public figures who preach his message while “routinely and instinctively” behaving in the exact opposite fashion.

It’s hard to think of a public figure of self-professed faith more deserving of a visitation, although clearly the Prime Minister should also come into the frame.

It’s not known how Jesus intends to spend the rest of his day, although rumours suggest he’s going to a backyard birthday party carrying only a big bottle of water and a paddling pool.

“It’s likely he will visit other Tory MPs though,” our Divine Intervention Correspondent suggests. “After he’s told Rees-mogg to fuck off.”

There is certainly plenty of work for him to do if he’s minded, what with the hostile environment of the Boris Johnson government towards anyone not a party donor.

“It’s believed Matt Hancock is attempting to track him down in the hope of gifting him a PPE contract. But we suspect Jesus is as keen on people attempting to buy indulgences as he is on Priti Patel’s policy towards desperate refugees.”

Ms Patel is of course the one reason the risen Lord is only expected to stay in the United Kingdom for today only.

“There’s no question about it,” our correspondent confirms. “If the Home Office’s Clandestine Channel Threat Commander gets hold of Jesus the Home Secretary will have him deported before anyone has had a chance to have another cross constructed.”

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Winston Churchill statue applies for political asylum in France

OUR FINEST SHOWER : PANIC at 10 Downing Street today after the SHOCKING discovery this morning that the statue of Winston Churchill has left this septic isle.

It’s believed the inanimate lump of metal, which by the way is prized by the Boris Johnson government more than life itself, slipped out of the police cordon sometime during the night.

“The officers were facing outward,” a 10 Downing Street source explains. “You never know when a woman with a banner protesting against violence to women will need to be forced to the ground and sat on by a crack team of riot police. That’s when Churchill left. We’re completely stumped as to why.”

But the departure of the statue looks set to cause a diplomatic incident with reports drifting back across the ENGLISH Channel that it has been sighted in Paris.

“We’ve heard the rumours that the Churchill statue has claimed political asylum in France. That seems highly unlikely to me. Why would he? What’s wrong with the facist leaning nationalism of famous liberal Boris Johnson’s government?”

Quite what measures will be undertaken to locate the statue, and indeed what response will be forthcoming from the executive should the statue be confirmed as having claimed asylum with THE FRENCH isn’t yet clear.

“When the prime minister wakes up for breakfast this afternoon he will be right on top of a detail,” the source reassured.

The Home Office is said to have already swung into action though, with Priti Patel ordering the border force to turn back the statue should it attempt to return by boat.

“As it is now legally an asylum seeker it has become Ms Patel’s natural enemy. Dan the clandestine channel threat commander will be on the lookout. He’ll do anything to get a biscuit or even a new chew toy from his boss.”

The mystery will presumably resolve itself in the hours to come, but it’s likely the statue left in protest, having had enough of living in Boris Johnson’s finest shower.

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Gavin Williamson orders schools to teach children right wing comedy

PUNCH IN ANY DIRECTION YOU LIKE SO LONG AS IT’S DOWN : EDUCATION SUPERSTAR GAV ‘i’VE GOT A SPIDER’ williAMSON is doing his bit to win the war on woke for the triumphant government of Little Trump Johnson.

Gav ‘I keep a whip in sight so people think I’m tough’ Willyiamson is not going to be left behind when it’s time for the awards after complete and total defeat of anyone who thinks it’s good to be nice to people, even if you don’t know them.

Today he makes another bold push into No Man’s Land with the decision to order the nation’s primary schools to teach children right wing comedy.

“Mother in law jokes are back!” an aide to Williamson told LCD Views. “So too Irish jokes. Jokes about the disabled. Jokes about funny little foreigners. Jokes about anyone that isn’t straight, white and English? Fill your boots son!”

And Gavin isn’t fighting this front on his own. A crack advisory panel and men recently banned by Twitter has been assembled to make sure PMT has you in stitches. Lead by no less an esteemed right wing comic than Jacob Rees-morgue himself!

“The holy grail is of course a PC gone mad joke about an overly emotional, disabled, ethnic minority woman who speaks English as a second language. But the order is across the board. Who can think of anything funnier than someone in a wheelchair getting splashed by water as they attempt to navigate their way passed some dog mess on a broken pavement? That is visual gold. If you don’t think it’s funny, you probably don’t have a place in Global Britain.”

Critics have asked though why the order doesn’t extend to secondary schools and universities?

“By the time kids reach adolescent it’s already too late to teach them that laughing at differences is what keeps us all together. We’re going to close secondary schools instead and turn them into fruit picking academies. Which will be hilarious!”

The introductory unit in the curriculum will be titled “Women – why they’re so funny when try to do a man’s job!”. This will feature handy audio-visual references to Benny Hill sketches so we all understand the direction of travel.

“My favourite bit is the physical comedy section. Donald Trump himself is going to record a segment explaining how to mock the disabled and get away with it. It’s hard to think of a greater achievement for a right wing comic. Our children will follow the example of the best of them.”

Right wing comedy – it’s funny and Gav will be happy to explain it.

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Introducing new Viflagra to keep your flag flying high

Gentlemen, are your standards dropping? Are you only flying at half-mast? Are you worried that she’ll leave you if your flag isn’t flying high? Well worry no more. At last, the new wonder-drug you’ve been longing for is here!

Introducing . . . VIFLAGRA!

Viflagra has been clinically tested and proven to keep your flag flying high on a good solid pole!

Just one of these little red, white and blue pills will enable you to wave your flag all night long without it ever drooping!

Viflagra comes recommended from no less a source than Boris Johnson himself!

“I’d heard tales about men losing their ability to wave their flags as they got older,” Boris said. “Not that it had ever happened to me, gosh no, that would never happen to old Bozza, course not! But I figured it might help make my flag fly even higher, and phwoarrrh, doesn’t it just! Just one of these pills got me seeing red, white and blue all night. I got my wife and my bit on the side waving my flag on the same night and it was just fantastic! I mean obviously I didn’t tell either of them about the other – you will edit this bit out won’t you? Don’t want them knowing I’m a cheater do we, gosh no!”

So there you have it. Viflagra, as endorsed by no less an organ than our own glorious leader in residence! Just take one pill and you’ll be seeing fifty shades of red, white and blue flying high all night!

Caution: Side effects of Viflagra include becoming a stupid bigot that nobody in their right mind would want to shag in the first place.

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Downing Street report on Downing Street reports finds Downing Street reports are the best reports

WHITE OUT : 10 Downing Street has responded today to entirely undeserved criticisms by traitors over the quality of the reports it commissions with a robust defence, in the form of a Downing Street report.

The reports authors were handpicked by the prime minister during the five minutes each day that he almost works. The decision to decide the outcome of the report, before it was undertaken, was also at the direction of the PM.

“This Downing Street reports finds that Downing Street reports are without equal. They are world beating,” one of the reports authors, Mr White Wash, told LCD Views.

“The decision to decide the conclusion of the report was due to our new ramped up reporting procedure. If you don’t have a target when you fire, how can you expect to hit it?”

The report itself sources a wide variety of Downing Street supporters who all concur with the quality of the report and the reports it is reporting upon.

“We hope now that the country can move on from the needless and time consuming nit picking over reports that preceded this report, secure in the knowledge that the reports are all of the highest quality. We know this because we commissioned a report to prove it.”

But detractors have noticed one thing missing from the report into reports.

“Why isn’t it just the image of a Union Flag?” one patriotic Tory MP, Mr Glaf Hags demanded to know?

In response Downing Street have promised to commission a report into the lack of Union Flags on the report into the quality of reports.

“Lessons have been learned, it’s time to move on,” Mr White Wash reassures. “I would stick about but I have to produce a report on how the £2.6m spent on the new briefing room was a bargain.”

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BREAKING : Boris Johnson inaction figurine goes on sale

PAY IN ANY CURRENCY YOU LIKE : Fantastic news for patriotic consumers today with the launch of the Prime Minister Boris Johnson inaction figurine.

The toy has been specially developed in partnership with an international clique by the Tory Party 1922 Committee and goes on sale just like the U.K.

“The Boris Johnson inaction figurine mimics the man’s pandemic response. Completely inactive. Just keep winding him up. He will move eventually, but it will always be too late. It’s adorable and 100% plastic patriotism has been used in the paint job,” a member of the Evil Designs team told us.

Accessories are available. Union Flags maybe purchased separately and a full range of occupational outfits. The only one missing is the prime ministerial one.

“The Prime Minister doesn’t have to live alone either. He comes with a full range of Barbie like partners. With our special arts and crafts add on kit too you can make a range of homes for the dolls to live in. All you have to do is then construct a toy bus out of empty wine crates and he’ll hop in and visit all of them to a timetable.”

There is a note of warning though for use and operation.

“He must under no circumstances be exposed to direct light. He’s a bit like a gremlin that way. The light of scrutiny especially has to be avoided at all times. Too much of that and he won’t be able to move on as designed.”

A full range of attending minister figurines are in the planning and design stages so the inaction figurine can do nothing like the job of a prime minister with friends!

“He works best after a few bottles of claret have been poured down his fully movable mouth. Get your figurine hammered and just wait for the pre-recorded, semi-remembered classical references to flow!”

The Prime Ministerial Inaction Figurine – get yours while stocks last and you’ll be thoroughly entertained all through the next completely avoidable lockdown!

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Home Office to deport Cheddar Man because he’s ruining the story of Britain

Great news for true born British potatriots this morning with the announcement from the Home Office that immigration officials will shortly be placing Cheddar Man in detention, prior to express deportation.

“It comes after Torykip members of the Conservative Party demanded the government hold a meeting of Cobra, the emergency response unit of government, after the revelation that Cheddar Man doesn’t look very British,” Doctor Wayne Kerr told LCD Views’ nativism specialist.

“In fact, there’s a real concern that the first Briton may have been an immigrant.”

But that doesn’t make much sense when squared with the Brexit Britain theory of history currently guiding the government?

“Well, archaeology has already proven that British people sprung from the soil of Britannia, after God sent an angel down to well, get creative, with a pot plant, thus proving God is an Englishman.”

What breed of plant was in the pot?

“An aspidistra,” Doctor Wayne Kerr continues, “Indeed, one of the Dead Sea Scrolls, recovered from a dig in Cheshire on the 23rd June 2016, tells how God went on a grand tour from the home counties to the Red Sea and asked the first person he encountered there, “DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH? He wasn’t impressed with the answer, so he said it again even louder.”

But how will the public take this attempt to sweep Cheddar Man under the carpet, before sweeping him back across the channel where he belongs?

“There’s a real sense that everyone in Britain is uniting behind Brexit,” Doctor Wayne Kerr answered, “I expect most will attempt to pay no attention to what is just sensible public policy of discarding any fact that is inconvenient.

Better still, the deportation of Cheddar Man will show that the cheese industry especially is set to benefit hugely from hard Briexit.

The skin colour of Cheddar Man is probably fake news anyway, how could anyone British not be transparent?

Furthermore, we all know that the sea has always protected England from invasion, with the exception of the people who wandered across, most likely from where Turkey is today, bringing farming.

Oh, and the celts after, and the Romans and their internationalist rabble, and the Saxons after, and the Scandinavians, and the French, and the various waves of refugees, and the imported Dutch and German monarchs and the Huguenots and that other group that combined to give us fish and chips and a few others.

With those exceptions set aside, the sea has always kept the pure people uniting behind Brexit British. Briton. British. Britain. Britannia. All good English words.”

LCD Views commends such speedy action on the part of the Home Office, Cheddar Man, with his potential to create dissent as we present the unified face of Global Britain to the world who just love us now, can not be allowed to spoil the story of the British.

Remember, Ms Rudd called on Britons to name and shame firms employing forinners in 2016.

Shame Cheddar Man. Shame. Keep Britain for the British!

You know who they are, a collection of immigrants who have created the country over thousands of years of immigration?

“Furthermore, it will soon be illegal to even suggest British people weren’t always British!” Yes, thank you Doctor Wayne Kerr, haven’t you a University of Life lecture to give?

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Downing Street Brexit report blames German car industry for failure of British fishing fleet

IT WASN’T US GUV HONEST : Downing Street has searched shallow and answered many pressing questions this week with reports based on investigations whose outcomes were in no way pre-determined.

“Clearly we’ve solved racism in the UK by making Boris Johnson prime minister,” a 10 Downing Street insider tells LCD Views. “The solution was to make it acceptable again. If a racist can become PM? What’s to stop any of you?”

And other pressing matters were also investigated. Such as the failure of the British fishing industry.

“Clearly the fishing industry has not suffered any reversals as a result of taking back control of British waters. Sovereignty is money in the bank. We all know that. But somebody, somewhere, did something. We had to find out.”

Find out they did it seems as the report on the British fishing industry’s current status, or Clusterfuck, as the report has been nicknamed, proves.

“It was the Germans,” the source explains. “We knew it was either them or the French even before we investigated. Open and shut case.”

Curious readers and observers of the UK will be keen to learn exactly how the Germans did it though.

“The summary of the report answers it. The rest of it is just padding. The Germans caused the collapse of British fishing because their car industry failed to turn up and sort Brexit. It’s just obvious.”

What to do now the cause is identified will be the next question in many minds.

“What to do? That’s also obvious. We just wait for the German car industry to acknowledge the error of its ways. Then it will turn up and sort it. We’re Global Britain. Everyone is banging down our doors. Just ask Liz Truss!”

What will be done while we wait?

“We’ll pay off the fishermen with taxpayers’ cash like we do for everything. Nothing some taxpayers’ cash can’t solve. Just ask the entirety of the parliamentary Tory Party!”