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Boris Johnson to clap for Northern Ireland

LIKE A CIRCUS SEAL WANTING A FISH : THE PEOPLE’S PRIME MINISTER Boris Johnson has a lot on his plate these days. What with redecorating the Downing Street flat and planning for an “irreversible” pint next Monday. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a few spare moments to think about the deteriorating situation in Northern Ireland.

“He’s having the think before today’s arts and crafts session with the empty wine boxes,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “And after he chooses what outfit he’s wearing for dress up today.”

The importance placed upon dealing with the rioting in Norther Ireland, which has been daily for a week now, shows just how capable a PM Mr Johnson is.

“He’s definitely going to work up a fix before he scrolls through his address book wondering which mistress to bang next week,” the source is certain. “He’s really concerned about the Irish. He is in no way colonially minded about the situation. It’s a bit of a shock really. No one at all saw getting Brexit done could lead to trouble across the Irish Sea. And if they did we denounced them as traitors and ignored them. So NO ONE.”

There are of course several possible solutions that spring immediately to mind.

“He could begin negotiations to rejoin the EU single market and customs union, recognising that this would protect the peace process and in all likelihood safe lives. But he won’t do that. How boring are other people? Especially ones you have never met who aren’t offering you any short term advantage? He could of course begin negotiations to find a long term way to re-unifiy Ireland. But again, yawn. Can you just imagine the texts from Foster? He’d need a new mobile number.”

It’s hard to see a solution then? Either the entirely voluntary project Brexit has to be betrayed or the people have to suffer.

“Don’t be so hasty. He’s got something up his sleeves. Or rather at the end of his wrists.”

What’s that?

“He can lead a clap.”

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Boris Johnson could learn a lot of lessons from Henry VIII

The Churchill comparison is oft made. But a more apt parallel is the famous – indeed, infamous – Henry VIII. A giant among Kings, and an iconic figure even today, over 400 years since his glorious reign, Henry could teach Boris Johnson a few good lessons in statecraft.

Every schoolboy knows that Henry had six wives. Johnson, to date, has only had two, but it is the ruthless manner of those terminations that holds the lesson. The first marriage ended in divorce, but not before Henry moved Heaven and Earth – quite literally – to make it happen. Breaking from Rome presaged the modern breaking from Europe, but second time around Henry acted far more swiftly. Imagine how much smoother Johnson’s path would have been had he been permitted to execute Jennifer Arcuri.

It was not just inconvenient wives that Henry executed. Political opponents were also disposed of in this swift and effective manner. One is left to speculate whether, in more enlightened times, Johnson could have disposed of Keir Starmer, in the same manner as the turbulent priest, Cardinal Wolsey. Perhaps this would have managed to quell the endless mutterings about alleged incompetence and corruption.

On which, Johnson could learn a thing or two about financial management from Henry. Henry managed to bankrupt the country at least twice. Johnson, although obviously doing his best, has neither drained the treasury nor provoked war with France. These must remain as key objectives for his second term in office.

Scotland is another key area for Johnson. Henry endured mutinous rumblings from north of the border, but established control through battle. Nobody would suggest that a war with the treacherous Scottish Independence mob and their de facto leader, Nicola Sturgeon, is desirable. But the Jocks must not be allowed to dictate matters. Ultimately, leadership is all about taking decisive action. Sturgeon must be dealt with harshly, as one would with a filly who has taken ideas above her station. A period of rough wooing may be necessary.

And yet, Henry had achieved all this at a younger age than Johnson. Hurry up, Boris!

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The PM is too handsome to be faithful

It is typical of the double standards of the snowflake commentariat that it celebrates the infidelities of rock stars, actors and musicians but casts a furrowed and intrusive eye over the same behaviour when it comes to elected representatives.

I do not recall the Nolan Principles of Public Life giving guidance on personal matters, such as infidelity.

It is all very well to applaud when a teenage heart throb such as Errol Flynn, Handel or Mick Jagger is caught playing away, but when it is a serving MP suddenly it is a very different matter for the infantry of Antifa?

Indeed it is not for the governed to pry between the sheets of those who govern. It would be most unwise. Memories are recalled in pictures and you might happen upon the activities of some of the hairy communists. Those would be memories that not even the hot blade of psychoanalysis could excise.

So why then are all the libtard, anarcho-communists so upset over the activities of the Prime Minister? I’ve answered my own question, haven’t I? It’s double standards. Triple standards. Quadruple standards of high hypocrisy by the low born.

This brings to mind the famous sayings of the Ancient Greek moral writer, Shagadeus Prolifius, who wrote in 456 BC, “A man possessed of a lion’s virility would be disrespecting the Gods who sculpted him if he did not shag every bit of hot blonde totty who crossed his path.”

I say have at it Prime Minister! I know you stand hours gazing into the mirror of self-reflection. It is by God’s design that you sow your wild oats in every field you walk over. It is essentially a religious function to cast aside the concerns of petty mortals who fret and panic at the ballot box. Pah!

After all, it’s not as if having a PM who can’t keep it in his pants, and may potentially be misusing public money in his affairs, it’s not as if that is possibly a national security risk.

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Expats looking forward to a proper English summer holiday this year

GETTING A TAN FROM STANDING IN THE ENGLISH RAIN: Expats coming home from sunny Spain are relieved to be holidaying on the Costa del Skegness this year.

Many have expressed the delight at finally getting away from all that hot sunshine. So much better, they say, to shiver in an overcoat in driving rain and a howling gale on a shingle beach next to the North Sea.

Why sit around the pool all day, with sun cream, shades and endless margaritas, when you can huddle up outside a dirty beachside café drinking expensive instant coffee? All you need is that extra sovereignty and a Union Jack. Bugger Spain, we got our country back.

Classic English resorts are bracing themselves for an influx this year. Skegness is so bracing anyway. But towns like Great Yarmouth and Weston Super Mud are already investing in extra bunting and Kiss Me Quick hats.

“We have already dusted off the classic ‘No dogs, no blacks, no Irish’ signs in anticipation,” claimed traditional seaside hotelier Candie Floss. “I know it’s not exactly acceptable these days, but it’s my little effort towards the War On Woke and it’s what our more patriotic new customers expect.”

Many expats happily trooping in from Heathrow are making their way home to the cream of English towns, like Luton and Corby. They are excited to be holidaying in Clacton and Cleethorpes this year.

“I can’t tell you how excited we are,” said the happily repatriated Bennie Dorm. “The wife and I will be heading straight to one of the red, white and blue flag beaches with our knotted hanky hats. We are looking forward to a stroll along the prom past the arcades and the chip shops, eating British shellfish straight from the sea, and getting hammered in the local Wetherspoons. We can’t wait to grumble about some proper damp drizzly August weather!”

Gammon on sea. Coming to a resort near you.

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Boris Johnson blames Sadiq Khan for collapse in U.K. fishing

HOOK LINE AND STINKER : The Prime Minister is not one to let the purdah which covers the build up to an election get in the way of abusing his position. The recent televised update on social restrictions was no different.

“It all went exactly to plan,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The people’s prime minister empathised as only he can over the dark valley of Death he has led the people into and then abused the opportunity for dishonourable ends. Classic Johnson. Par excellence.”

And while many expected the Prime Minister to level the blame at the last Labour government for the collapse in the U.K. fishing industry post-Brexit, Mr Johnson was full of surprises.

“He drove a JCB right through that styrofoam mayor,” the source beamed. “I bet Khan was spitting chips. Much like the country’s fishermen.”

This will be because everyone now knows that not only did Mr Khan pick up the baton of massive debt that Johnson left TFL’s finances in, and fail to capitalise on it, he also destroyed fishing.

“So long as the client journalists refuse to correct the falsehoods of the prime minister his base will believe it. That’s what is important. By barring U.K. fishing fleets access to the London market Khan has done more harm to the industry than Johnson ever did by leading a campaign to cut fishermen off from their continental markets.”

Well.

“If you want to know the truth of things all you have to do is look at the tireless efforts of Mr Johnson when he campaigned in the fishing industry’s best interests in front of posters that said to Vote Leave.”

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Spain and France write joint letter thanking The Express as it urges Brexiters to boycott Spain and France

CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE : The peoples of Spain and France are in a grateful mood today as they consider the tireless efforts of British tabloids to promote their best interests.

Particular praise is being levelled at The Express, one of Global Britain’s most enthusiastic heralds, and their new drive to get Brexiters to boycott Spain and France.

While some are concerned that without Brexiters the economies of the countries face almost instantaneous collapse, the laidback continentals seem sanguine over their looming implosions.

“We would like to express our intense gratitude to The Express and indeed the other British tabloids, The Telegraph and The Spectator, for their daily drip feed of factually incontinent trash into the minds of their readers. The latest effort from The Express evokes from us a surge of warm feelings words can not possibly hope to convey.”

It seems the letter is based not only on the present, but what appears to be a boundless optimism for the future.

“It has been especially trying to witness people voting to cut their nose off constantly believing they have won something, by reducing their own rights in our countries. Simultaneously trashing the rights of the children of our lands back in the UK. Furthermore the confusion and understandable frustration of UK citizens who know exactly the travesty that is occurring, having to politely converse with Brexiters in the Spanish, or French sun. Once the Express has successfully won the argument for a boycott of our grateful nations by idiots, we will all be much happier.”

It’s not entirely clear how the letter will be received in the offices of the trash tabloid. This is predominately because it will come as a complete shock to discover that people in France and Spain can not only understand, but write in English.

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PM says “Tory MPs can resume their extramarital affairs as of April 12th”

PENT UP : The Prime Minister of England, Boris Johnson, has addressed the nation over the changes to restrictions on day to day life. These are a result of his intellectual and emotional inability to pursue an elimination strategy for the pandemic. Such a strategy could see normal life resume within our borders within weeks, as it has in numerous countries. But no.

We’re exceptional. And don’t you forget it.

Appearing at the chipboard podium, set impressively on a floor of secondhand acrylic carpet squares, he first smirked, winked, fumbled with something in his trouser pocket, and then got stuck in.

“People of England, we’re so close now to ridding our land of the virus,” so far so good, “But we notice that the Kent variant is raging, among others, on the continent. This is an opportunity too good to miss.”

The keeping of a low level of community transmission of the potentially lethal virus is important to whoever is supplying the millioms and millions of lateral flow tests.

“From April 12th you may go to the hairdresser, you may go and stand outside the pub. Essentially you can do everything you would like to again, while we pretend you’re not doing other things.”

Here he smirked. Winked. Ruffled his hair. Made some odd hand gestures. Wondered what he was doing with his life for an hour, with the sort of vacant and confused stare a pet dog has seeing a family cat given a prized morsel. Then he continued.

“And I say to my colleagues in particular. I know it has been difficult, stuck at home with your families at one of your homes, for so many months. Well, now is the time to unbox the burner phone and text her, or him, or them. Get back into it. Remember that no one has to resign for any impropriety so long as they support my project. Resume your affairs! With colleagues or whoever. And put what ever you like on expenses. We will pick up the tab!”

At some point there maybe a public inquiry over misuse of public funds, but it will determine it’s time to move on.

“But just remember, don’t start shagging each other outdoors again until April 12th. Thank you.”

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The importance of one’s second home in France

Lockdown is easing at long last, and, with the sun out, one’s thoughts naturally turn to one’s second home in France. Normally one will sojourn in sunnier climes for a season at this time of year. As regular readers of UnoTesticular know, this is to avoid contact with the hordes of city dwellers, who decide to use the ancient rights of way across one’s estate at the first sight of sunshine.

Last summer, unfortunately, many of our kind were imprisoned in our paltry mansions due to the coronavirus panic. This led to a backlash, as many were obliged to resort to setting the hounds on negligent day trippers straying from the footpath or attempting to picnic in the grounds. We all know that this sort of behaviour is unacceptable. Many stiff letters were sent to the editor of the Daily Telegraph, deploring that organ’s championing of the rights of the Great Unwashed.

Rights of way cannot, alas, be easily or cheaply removed in the modern era. So slumming it in the South of France has become the preferred option of many a landowner.

This has preserved the sanity and self respect of many moderately well off people, while permitting the lower orders to admire the benefience of their betters.

Imagine, then, the dismay felt by many at the 90 day rule. I’m no politician, but this is an absurd situation. 90 days is hardly enough time to settle into the French lifestyle following a bitter English winter. Here at UT we understand that Sir Montague Hyphen-Hyphen-Hyphen is coordinating a powerful response, and will ensure that the Foreign Secretary reverses this decision forthwith.

Then once this storm in a teacup has passed, life can return to its natural rhythm.

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Boris Johnson in secret talks to buy Costa del Sol and save Brexit voters’ homes

VANDALUBORISIA : In recent days the reliable news media of the United Kingdom has been overflowing with stories of good British people being persecuted by Spanish authorities. Happily the People’s Prime Minister is going into bat for them.

“Just because some people voted for Brexit who lived in Spain it should not mean they have to leave Spain,” a Downing Street source stated. “We are explaining that to the Spanish authorities in strident terms. All in caps and shouted in English.”

Of course many would not have had to leave Spain, after voting to be thrown out of Spain, if they had taken steps to ensure they could legally stay in Spain.

“Why should they have to? They’re British. That surely makes a difference. Do the Spanish authorities really appreciate how dependent on British men and women turning into leather in their sun their economy is? The way they are behaving suggests they do not. It’s unreasonable to apply the law to British people. We’re British!”

But just in case the Spanish authorities insist on sticking to the law Mr Johnson has a Plan B.

“I can’t say that Mr Johnson’s government understands any government that actually sticks to the law? Bit bloody old fashioned if you ask me. Still, we’ve got a way around all this. We’re simply going to buy the Costa del Sol. That way no ex-pat will ever be treated like an immigrant.”

But what if the Spanish won’t sell the Costa del Sol to Downing Street?

“They will. Don’t worry. We’re shouting our offer at them in English.”

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It’s time the Prime Minister brought the moustache back into fashion

British men and moustaches have a long historical association. The first prehistoric cave paintings discovered in England in the bold Victorian era of exploration are famous for featuring Bowler Hats, but most neglect to mention the brawny Olympian men depicted also sported moustaches.

Now Britain is in a new age of Global Expansion, as Europe and indeed the world, cry out for our leadership, it is time to revive the moustache.

Statements of virility are of course frowned upon in this quaking era of cancel culture. To all our detriment, not least the women who place their trust in us to keep them safe. To see them prosper. To guide with a steady hand the procreation of the future.

For most of the last year the warriors of woke have insisted masculine sports be banned. Men participating in the time honoured rituals of preparation for war on the sporting field have been forced to do so underground. Without Spectators. Some have been shamed. Many have been forced to shave.

This can not serve Global Britain well. This will not lead us onto the Sunlit Uplands Brexit will deliver.

What will serve the English colossus as it strides with one giant step across the fading European dystopia and into Asia Minor? The answer is the moustache.

Indeed no greater a British war time leader than Montgomery Deux-Burns is recorded as having said on the eve of Agincourt II – The Return to France – that “Englishmen will prevail on this blessed day because the Lord has bestowed on them a superior moustache”.

It’s not just the British knee that is firm. It is also the wiry, titanium like hair that grows naturally from a true born Englishman’s lip. Every scientific evaluation has found it to be superior to others.

I say now, now is the time to grow your moustache again. To see your wife’s knees quiver. To witness your mistresses’ eyes light up as she discards the demand for a virus test before the tryst.

And what better figure to lead the regrowth of British masculinity than the golden lion in 10 Downing Street?

Once the sire of legions has again grown a hairy lip the men of the kingdom will follow his example and Make Britain Great Again!

“I can think of no more fitting a moustache for a strong man leader than the toothbrush” – Professor Phillimore Snogger III, (visiting) Berlin, 1936.

Raise the toothbrush prime minister! Raise it upon your lip! And set a Union Flag a flutter behind you as you do. For the winds of destiny are blowing and you are blowing hard too!