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10 Downing Street walk-in fridge undergoes £2.6m major refit in case PM needs to hide in it

BABY IT’S COLD INSIDE : WARMING NEWS today with the confirmation that the 10 Downing Street Prime Ministerial fridge is to undergo a major refit.

The fridge is described as a “luxury, walk-in model complete with drinks”. It was installed early in the current prime minister Boris Johnson’s reign after he successfully dodged a TV interview during an election campaign, by hiding in a fridge.

“There was some blowback from dodging that live interview, as it made a mortal enemy of Piers Morgan. You remember him? Used to present a morning show or something. Hell hath no fury like a morning TV presenter scorned…”

The refit is expected to cost £2.6m which in the days of Brexit Britain is chickenfeed, if measured on the PPE contract scale.

“The Prime Minister will be able to continue with his usual governance style inside the fully hermetically sealed fridge which has no contact with the outside world, or any recognisable reality at all,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“Supporters of the PM need not worry that he will be bored though, as the refit will install a world king size, vibrating waterbed and enough chilled champagne to keep anyone going over a long weekend.”

The reason for the refit appears to be a reaction to current news in the United Kingdom, which is becoming a touch unpleasant.

“The Prime Minister has a growing list of tough questions to answer,” the source confirms. “Thus he needs somewhere really close by in which to hide.”

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It’s time for Michael Gove to lead the United Kingdom

Plumbum – the Latin word for “lead”

Our mighty seafaring nation is at a crossroads, much as the freighter the Evergreen was for a crucial week in March. If we are to choose well which way to turn next, so as not to constantly hit our head, we need a visionary to lead us. One with a will of lead.

To choose who is right it needs a careful examination of the possible candidates to lead the coup against Mr Johnson.

It’s true the governing Conservative and Unionist Party is speckled like a glitter rolled coprolite with any number of worthy successors, now that Mr Johnson has served his purpose. But who to give your backing to when the long night dawns?

The editorial board at UnoTesticular/Facilitator can be your guide.

It first needs be asked who is most ready to assume the weighty pyrite coated mantel of governance? To answer this ask yourself who is missing currently from the stage? And what a busy stage it is!

The answer to your questions are of course Michael Gove. Who best to lead the coup but the one who is now sharpening the knives.

The people have had enough of experts, this has been apparent since the 23/06/16. But we say to you the people can never have enough of Michael Gove! If ever plumbum was made into a man it was into this man.

And if you have any minor concerns, you need only read the words of one of Mr Gove’s most famous ancestors, below.

”I don’t know why everyone bangs on about the Ides of March constantly? You can knife your political opponents in the back whenever you feel the time is right.” – Goverious Goverium, Roman Provincial Governor, Britannia, 269 AD.

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BBC ordered to replace coverage of NI riots with images of a grinning idiot and Union Flags

STRONG AND STABLE GOVERNMENT : No one can forget the bullet the U.K. dodged when it chose David Cameron over Ed Miliband back in 2015, and today we are really starting to reap what we’ve sown.

Strong and stable government has of course been the watchword of the Conservative and Unionist Party, ever since it resumed its rightful place running the show back in 2010.

“The strength and stability only strengthened and stabilised once we rid ourselves of our coalition partners,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “If the British people, in their wisdom, had not had the common sense to give Dave ‘boy wonder’ Cameron a twelve seat majority back in 2015 heaven knows where we would be? We certainly would not have had that advisory referendum in 2016.”

Now of course Mr Cameron has long since ceased to be the steady hand on the tiller of the executive. He concerns himself with matters of high finance with the same expertise he showed in politics.

“Theresa May had a rather forgettable time as prime minister. Although her Brexit red lines did provide the secure ground of xenophobia and self-harm that our current PM built all too readily upon.”

Some of course would say that the current riots in Belfast are the fault of the prime minister. That making a man child who has never suffered any serious consequence for his misdeeds prime minister was a mistake of grave magnitude. But they of course are not patriots.

“Now we’re into the meat of what Brexit really means. The riots in Northern Ireland are teething problems. It will all calm down soon enough. And to reassure everyone that all will be alright, that all is worth the cost, what better than images of flags? What better than a grinning idiot and flags? But not just any flags. Union Flags. And not just any idiot. Boris Johnson level idiot.”

The BBC, with its new and much more patriotic leadership, can be trusted to get right on it!

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10 Downing Street twinned with Mar-a-Lago

SPIRITUAL TWINNING : It’s a case of grin when you’re winning at 10 Downing Street today with the validating news that ex-President Donald Trump has twinned Mar-a-Lago with 10 Downing Street.

While it is usually only towns, cities and villages that come to such arrangements internationally, it’s believed President Trump and the last Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Boris Johnson, considered the weight and scale of their mirrored sociopathic personality disorders were equal in size and weight. Essentially their psychological defects are cityscapes of the mind.

“There will be a special ceremony later today over Zoom where Donald will show Boris the crayon drawing he’s done all by himself as a design for the plaques they should both erect.”

It’s believed Mr Johnson feels not only a deep sense of gratitude at the invitation to twin the heart of British government with Mr Trump, but also a warm glow of mutual love.

“It’s been quite the bromance,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “When you consider the words Mr Johnson had to say about Donnie before his election? Stinging stuff. But through recognition of their similarities love and respect entwined like syphilitic vipers.”

The joining of the two distant geographical seats of power will also provide an enduring symbol of how both men may have failed while in office, but the stain they leave behind will be remembered.

“By their deeds will they be remembered,” the source adds. “Which is nice, as their words were and are meaningless.”

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Downing Street appoints Nigel Farage as peace envoy to Belfast

WORDS AND PICTURES : 10 DOWNING STREET has smelt the whiff of burning petrochemicals and plastics drifting across the Irish Sea, heard the crash of breaking glass and the scream of sirens in Belfast and decided action must be taken.

“It’s a tricky situation,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The pandemic has done a great job of obscuring the inevitable and multi-faceted harm from Brexit, but that can only be allowed to go on for so long before our polling suffers. But what to use as a cover next?”

It was felt that the eruption of violence on the streets of Belfast may do neatly, but it seems no less a earnest figure than the Prime Minister himself has decided action must be taken.

“Donald Trump was in the frame to be appointed peace envoy, but it’s felt a British patriot would be better to go over and explain fully the benefits of being a sovereign, trading country to the rioting parties.”

This put Nigel Farage in the frame. Dead centre.

“Mr Farage could sell ice to eskimos. He’s perfect. He’ll talk them down and around in no time. We’re a little concerned at losing the boost to consumption that rioting provides, but we’re also worried about polling numbers leading up to the local elections. And besides, he won’t have an official office, so he can slip back into the shadows and away from accountability once his work is done.”

What is to be done if Mr Farage isn’t able to stop the buses burning isn’t clear, as the PM had to leave the planning session to go to an arts and crafts lesson with a mistress.

“Farage did so much to bring about the exciting developments in Belfast. He should be given the opportunity to relish the inevitable consequences of years of tireless campaigning. He’s getting the old Britain back, just the way he wanted.”

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The War On Woke will never be won – which is why we must keep on fighting

Almost every day we hear of atrocities committed by The Left in the name of Woke. There is, it seems, a never-ending stream of new genders and pronouns, which we must instantly absorb and respect. There is a bottomless well of hand-wringing over everyday words, in case somebody could possibly take offence. There is a plethora of limitations on what we may say or believe. It is the duty of every right-thinking Englishman to push back against such poisonous flim-flam.

How seriously should we take this Wokery? Many would contend that it is so laughably pathetic that it should just be ignored. But this country has standards, and the world looks to England to take the lead in such matters. 

In England, we do not pander to the weak-minded. We lay down the law. That is called strong rule, and if you don’t like it, you are free to leave. There is a rhythm to life in England, and rules must be delivered from the top down. Getting above one’s station merely upsets the apple cart, and this is the aim of the Woke Brigade. They want to put the cat among the pigeons just to watch their betters have their feathers ruffled.

We must not allow the Little Man to become too big for his boots. Wokery aims to disrupt the English way of life, forgetting that it is precisely because of the English way of life that Britain became Great. We did not gain an Empire and win two World Wars by considering the correct form of address for a man who thinks he is a woman. In the old days we had a word for this sort of person: a nancy boy.

We can never win the War On Woke, but we must keep on fighting the good fight. Otherwise in no time we will all be forced to be non-binary non-gendered rainbow-coloured nobodies.

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Williamson to send every school cardboard cut out of new “Corporal Punishment” mascot to improve discipline

SIX OF THE BEST : EDUCATION SUPERHERO GAVIN WILLIAMSON has identified that parents are to blame for the damage to their children’s education during the pandemic, and he’s doing something about it.

It is important to note from the start that it is not the government’s shambolic and lethal handling of the virus, nor the ball-achingly inefficient Education Secretary and his likely biases which percolate his every decision.

“When kids return to school after the Easter break they’ll be faced with a dominating new figure in the classroom, Corporal Punishment, that will ensure weak willed and lazy teachers have the ally they need to maintain discipline,” an Education Secretary aide told LCD Views.

“Teachers have had most of the year off, so they will gain from knowing the boss is watching them too. Although rumours the Williamsons will have remote controlled cameras in their heads are unfounded, as the cameras are manufactured in the EU and were ordered on Amazon. They are currently lost in transit in a customs park somewhere.”

The Corporal Punishment mascots will be in the form of a cardboard cut-outs of the Education Secretary himself styled after a Victorian Era Lance-Corporal of the British Army.

“The cardboard has been made by taking a genetic sample of Williamson, who is surprisingly made of 100% cardboard, and most of it rather wet. We were able to culture this in a lab with a sample of verbal diarrhoea and grow the cardboard on mats. World beating British innovation in action. It is likely a technology we can export.”

Critics of the scheme are certain to do their usual routine of wanting to know which Tory Party donor has been given the tender to produce the hundreds of thousands of cardboard cut-outs that will be required, weekly, but they will be missing the point entirely.

“The children will be required to construct the Williamsons which will bring them close to the prime minister, seeing as the first day’s lesson will be arts and crafts. Obviously the children will need to be drunk. The national anthem must be played during the sessions and the Union Flag saluted every half hour.”

The success of the scheme is guaranteed, given that it is based on having cardboard cut-outs of police officers standing outside pound stores, in place of the real officers who are busy guarding the Winston Churchill statue.

“Real broom handles will be held by the Williamsons and the children will know that Corporal Punishment is there, accusing their parents of mishandling the pandemic. We expect discipline to improve in double time.”

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Statue of Brexit voting British ex-pat ejected from Spain erected at Heathrow Airport

BRASS NECK : A WELCOME SIGHT is set to greet Brexit voters ejected as illegal immigrants from EU27 countries upon their return to England with the revelation that a statue in their honour is to be installed at the arrivals terminal at Heathrow Airport.

The plan is said to be the brainchild of an anonymous minister in Mr Johnson’s cabinet who hasn’t stopped travelling all through the pandemic, and for whom most of the current travel restrictions are tailored to suit.

“He kept passing the lines at the immigration hall, via the preferential treatment access, and thinking how nice it would be if any of the people lined up had a welcoming face to greet them. Especially if they were an ex-pat who for reasons best left unmentioned did not choose to apply for residency in their former home.”

The statue will be paid for by public subscription and is believed will be designed and installed by the weekend.

“The Prime Minister himself is said to have given the idea the greenlight while completely hammered on claret the other night,” the source reveals. “As such it is now top priority, as with any idea he likes while hammered.”

The materials to be used in the composition of the proud statue will be mostly brass around the neck, clay for the feet with an entirely empty inside.

“We’re going to stand it on a plinth sprinkled with sand from the Costa del Sol. People who have made themselves useful idiots for the international cartel of kleptocrats driving Brexit deserve to be honoured in a fitting way.”

No plans have yet been drawn up to commemorate the stress, hardship, expense and utter moral crime perpetrated on EU27 citizens who settled legally in the UK in the years before their rights were involuntarily downgraded by the British electorate.

“Who cares about immigrants?” the source added. “We do. It’s clear in our every act.”

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Why an Englishman’s word is still his bond

“Tory from the Irish word ‘toiraidh’ means ‘men on the run’. No one is entirely sure anymore what from, as Tory Britain has sensibly erased its memory of Irish history.” – Hackcourt Smyth-Fillbottom-Tryst, Camden-upon-Kensington, January 31st 2019.

Foreign types have long envied the international value placed on an Englishman’s word. Indeed, it is known to be his bond, just ask the Irish, Scots, Welsh, Cornish, Indigenous Americans, Russian bankers, Mistresses of the Prime Minister, Jeremy Corbyn or any other happy peoples favoured by fate to have received its balm like reassurance.

Unhappily these days the trenchfooted, cardboard boot wearing warriors of the armies of the “woke” are attempting to attach rather less palatable meanings to the proud and proper noun. We will not stand for this, we will sit down.

No less an honourable figure than the Prime Minister Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson is now the focus for the unsavoury smear campaigns of the anarcho-communist syndicate.

But what about peace in Ireland? They cry. Well, what about it?

I refer you to Mr de Pfeffel Johnson’s own words when he advised Northern Irish businessmen (it is unclear at the time of publication if there are any Northern Irish businesswomen) to send any customs forms arising from Getting Brexit Done to him, so he could bin them.

As the famous Venetian Blind manufacturer Giseppie Cororalli wrote in his forward to his translation of the Merchant of Venice in 1496, “What problem is there if you can just forget about it and carry on drinking?”

Has any handwringing, so called entrepreneur yet bothered to ship the Prime Minister their forms?

It is thus his fault that no one can be bothered to go to a postal office kiosk, most likely now situated in the upstairs cupboard of a WH Smith, and send the forms to the PM?

We all know the address!

But just in case you have acquaintances that are slow to remember, or pedestrian on the uptake, the address is 10 Downing Street, London. There maybe more to the address, but I assure you the swarthy foot soldiers of the Royal Mail will see your missives well directed.

This all proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Prime Minister’s word is still his bond. Thus, any Englishman’s word is still his bond. All you have to do is put him to the test! Which I advise most strongly against.

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Boris Johnson to clap for Northern Ireland

LIKE A CIRCUS SEAL WANTING A FISH : THE PEOPLE’S PRIME MINISTER Boris Johnson has a lot on his plate these days. What with redecorating the Downing Street flat and planning for an “irreversible” pint next Monday. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a few spare moments to think about the deteriorating situation in Northern Ireland.

“He’s having the think before today’s arts and crafts session with the empty wine boxes,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “And after he chooses what outfit he’s wearing for dress up today.”

The importance placed upon dealing with the rioting in Norther Ireland, which has been daily for a week now, shows just how capable a PM Mr Johnson is.

“He’s definitely going to work up a fix before he scrolls through his address book wondering which mistress to bang next week,” the source is certain. “He’s really concerned about the Irish. He is in no way colonially minded about the situation. It’s a bit of a shock really. No one at all saw getting Brexit done could lead to trouble across the Irish Sea. And if they did we denounced them as traitors and ignored them. So NO ONE.”

There are of course several possible solutions that spring immediately to mind.

“He could begin negotiations to rejoin the EU single market and customs union, recognising that this would protect the peace process and in all likelihood safe lives. But he won’t do that. How boring are other people? Especially ones you have never met who aren’t offering you any short term advantage? He could of course begin negotiations to find a long term way to re-unifiy Ireland. But again, yawn. Can you just imagine the texts from Foster? He’d need a new mobile number.”

It’s hard to see a solution then? Either the entirely voluntary project Brexit has to be betrayed or the people have to suffer.

“Don’t be so hasty. He’s got something up his sleeves. Or rather at the end of his wrists.”

What’s that?

“He can lead a clap.”