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Tim Martin personalises Wetherspoons beer mats with names of traitors not drinking in his pubs

BELCHY BAD SANTA : The United Kingdom’s greatest patriot, and runner up in the 2021 “Publican of the Blergh Awards”, Tim Martin is not taking the plummeting profits at his pubs lying down.

It is currently a baffling sub-theme of the post-Brexit landscape how a man of the standing of Tim Martin, who intentionally decided to piss off half the U.K. population, should see his profits in decline. The plague hasn’t helped, but not having the overwhelming backing of the country’s drinkers may not help any recovery.

He has though fought the downward curve tooth and nail. Firstly by demanding people come in and maybe catch a potentially lethal virus so he continue to amass his fortune. And no, we’re not talking Brexititis, although that risk is also ever present in his pubs.

He has lobbied the government to not lockdown, maybe in the hope that a collapsed health service would see a lot of thirsty nurses willing to risk any environment for a cheap double after work?

That didn’t work either. So now the latest swing at fate.

“We’re personalising our beer mats with the names of traitors,” a source claiming to work for ‘Spoons told LCD Views. “When patriots purchase a pint of lukewarm piss in our pubs now they’ll be able to read the names of local people working for Brussels through the smeary glass.”

The hope is the patron will get hammered and go around to the home of anyone they recognise and politely chastise them to go into Wetherspoons and find Mr Martin’s mind palace.

”And if that doesn’t work he’s going to hire David Cameron as a lobbyist and get some funding from the treasury.”

Bottoms up patriots!

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Boris Johnson rushed to hospital after accidentally answering a question at PMQs

ASK NO QUESTIONS AND YOU GET TOLD NO LIES: The filibustering fibber has been hospitalised following an unprecedented accident. Johnson was rushed to the nearest Accident & Emergency department following a spontaneous seizure.

Boris Johnson is well known in Westminster circles for never answering a straight question with a straight answer. Certainly not a question regarding policy, lobbying or corruption. According to certain pneumatic blondes known to LCD Views, even the relatively unweighted request of “Fancy a shag, Boris babes?” tends to be met with a recital of The Merchant of Venice before he even loosens his tie.

However, today at PMQs he made the rookie error of answering a question without considering the traps that lay within. “Mr Speaker, I trust that the Prime Minister would agree with me that the rollout of the Coronavirus vaccine by the NHS has been an outstanding success,” stated Keir Starmer, in a generous tone. Johnson smirked complacently like Priti Patel in possession of a set of diamond-encrusted knuckledusters. “Does he agree, therefore, that the public sector has a vital role to play in defeating the virus?”

There was a pause, as a clearly smug and self-important Johnson rose to his feet.

“Well, I say, wiff waff, well, yes of course…” he began. But before Johnson could proceed any further, his heart leaped out of his chest and attempted to strangle him.

Members on both sides of the House recoiled in horror at the conclusive proof that Johnson was in possession of a heart.

On-call paramedics, permanently stationed in the House should some medical emergency arise, literally sauntered at great lack of speed to help the stricken PM. “He’s only bluffing,” they told the heart, over and over again, until it relented sufficiently to allow Boris to breathe again. The paramedics stuffed the heart back into its cavity, and stretchered the PM to a waiting ambulance, trembling with suppressed laughter.

Now we know exactly what goes on at the heart of government.

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Boris Johnson to construct Cameron/Greensill inquiry out of empty wine boxes

BARGAIN BUCKET DAVE : The Prime Minister has announced he will conduct an inquiry into the activities of the failed lobbyist, failed prime minister, failed shepherd’s hut shed dweller, failed referendum holder and failed hoodie hugger David Cameron.

The inquiry will focus on Dave’s leveraging of his address book for his high rolling mate Lex, and just how deep the inappropriate nature of the relationship percolated Mr Cameron’s premiership.

”People are saying it’s going to be a whitewash,” a 10 Downing Street source said. “More correctly these days that’s a red, white and blue wash. Patriotic rinse. It’ll be a world beating inquiry. Tory looks at Tory. Total probity. The public can have full confidence that if Mr Johnson harbours any ill feeling towards Mr Cameron he’ll be found guilty and hung out to dry. Also if it’s judged he’s serving well as a distraction from all the other grubby things the government is up to. You’ll just have to wait and see.”

We will also just have to wait and see what vintage Mr Johnson will consume in the preparation and conduct of the inquiry. This is because he’s going to construct the proceedings out of empty wine crates.

“You shouldn’t think though that the inquiry will be like one of those hastily thrown together, shabby, unfit for purpose buses Mr Johnson makes in his arts and crafts sessions. The wine will be high end, excellent vintage. This is guaranteed, because like everything this well tailored mob get up to, you’re paying for it.”

In more ways than one. And they’ve been at it for so long.

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If England truly wants its independence, we must forget about Ireland

Brexit means Brexit. And now that we have Brexit, we, the English, must demand our independence, and once more become a giant on the world stage. As always, there is a price to pay. The deplorable scenes in Belfast show the way forward. We must jettison Ireland to avoid being tainted by their petty internal squabbles.

This means, sadly, that we must disappoint our Unionist friends – for now. English independence was always the primary objective of Brexit, and if you didn’t realise this, then you cannot have been paying attention properly.

But England cannot be associated with the senseless civil war on the Emerald Isle. It is better to let Ireland go, than to tolerate these scuffling fools and thereby destroy our glorious reputation.

It need not be this way. Our position is clear, and always has been. We genuinely love Ireland, but cannot abide the division between North and South. A united Ireland would be welcomed back into the English fold, but there must be two conditions. Firstly, this abhorrent violence towards the forces of Law & Order must cease. Secondly, Dublin must forego its foolish and damaging insistence of dangling from the coat-tails of the EU.

We must be a lean, mean Nation. We must now take our preeminent position in the developed world. Global Britain will become, once again, the heart of the Global Village. We will achieve this through a divine mixture of ideological and Anglo-Saxon purity. Our awestruck neighbours will bow before the might of England. The restoration of the Empire is around the corner, and we must seize this opportunity with both hands.

So once again, we must offer Ireland the choice. Join hands with us, and prosper. Reject us, and feel the consequences.

Colony, Overseas Territory, or Vassal State? The choice is yours. Over to you, Dublin.

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Ministerial Code is advisory only, confirms Boris Johnson

HONOURED MORE IN THE BREACH THAN THE OBSERVANCE: That great statesman, Boris Johnson, confirmed today that standards are optional.

He included this statement in a meandering ramble promoted by a sycophantic back bench lackey.

“Obviously standards are important,” he blustered, with his usual lack of self awareness. “But when the Ministerial Code – which is a voluntary mechanism, after all – gets in the way of day to day business, then it is incumbent upon ministers, wiff waff, erm, erm, yes, no, erm, to ignore it. Ignore it, my friends, with impunity! Omnia mutantur, nihil interit, I say!”

Johnson was gently pressed on the matter. Someone dared to ask him about the Nolan Principles.

“The Nolan Principles?” he replied, momentarily stumped. “If you mean the Nolan Sisters, well, they were some seriously decent totty back in the day!”

By extension, perhaps there are other codes which are past their sell by dates. Public standards expert Manda Torie detailed the situation for LCD Views.

“Any code, such as the Ministerial Code, relies on compliance,” Torie explained. “But codes may be broken, like the Enigma Code, and once they are broken they lose their power.”

That’s a very good point. Which other codes are at risk?

“The Highway Code is essential to road safety,” she replied. “Without it, our roads would resemble a mass brawl in cars, or even worse, Italy. Without common agreement, the Morse Code would be a random series of bleeps, and the Da Vinci Code a load of overblown gibberish.”

And this is why the Ministerial Code is important.

“A chain of command is only as strong as the weakest link,” she clichéd. “And if the links at the head of the chain are removed, then there is no chain at all. The government has broken its links to the country. Democracy is dead!”

Codes advise, ministers decide.

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Why it would not be British to pursue an eliminate CV-19 strategy

We British are made of stout oak. We don’t bend in the winds that see other races quiver and splinter. We face the truth, the call of destiny and put our shoulders to the wheel of calamities.

We thin our herds. We kill our weak. Not for us the sentimental society which harbours taxpayer burdens. Plague is a chance to rewrite social care policy. It basically does the work of the lion or the tiger in prehistory. It is the natural order. It is to be worked with and moulded to the financial profit of friends and donors of the pillars of society.

It is for this reason we will not pursue the overly sentimental pandemic strategy of complete community elimination. Where is the profit in that? Where is the gain for the national body, which is only improved by a greater distillation of the strong amongst the herd.

Lockdowns are already a way of life. So too the relief when a lockdown lifts. Our policy makers know the people will pay the price.

New Zealander’s and other antipodeans believe themselves smart by long since returning to the old ways. But where is the cultural revival in doing that? It can’t but hinder a healthy age ratio between young and old in the population!

We have watched with growing concern as Coronavirus triggered a desire for market segregation that has gone beyond what is medically rational to the point of doing real and unnecessary economic damage, to lesser nations.

But not in Boris Johnson’s Britain! Why, we have continued to trade freely, exactly at that moment humanity needed a Government somewhere that is willing at least to make the case powerfully for freedom of exchange.

We have bought PPE from t-shirt sellers in Istanbul, beauticians in California and friends of ministers who’ve bankrupted their paper plate factories. We’ve been afraid of nothing when it comes to un-tendered contracts.

We have made an example of ourselves to the whole world. We have been world beating. No elimination for us, but the carefully calibrated calculation of what politically could be tolerated by the people in terms of avoidable death for the sake of entreprise.

Over 150,000 Britons have gone into that phone box and like Clark Kent emerged transformed!

You have your packed rock concerts New Zealand. We will pay the ferryman. If we don’t, then who will?

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Sin-eater hired by Boris Johnson dies of obesity

SINFUL OVER CONSUMPTION : Dramatic news from 10 Downing Street this morning with reports that a Sin-eater hired by the Prime Minister, Mr Creosote, has died.

The man, said to have been a professional, is believed to have abruptly expired last night during his regular shift in the 11 Downing Street flat.

Paying someone to absorb your own guilt, and thus cleanse you of your sins, has been a popular technique since the Middle Ages. This is the first report of a fatality though.

“He just rolled over, belched, farted, loosed his bowls and died,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It was a combination of chronic obesity related diseases, but the root cause is believed to have been his diet.”

Mr Johnson is rumoured to have hired the Sin-eater by his current partner, who is said to be worried that the sheer volume and accumulation of moral and ethical crimes by the prime minister may mean he is not there in years to come to father their child.

“The real shock is how sudden the death occurred,” the source continues. “The Sin-eater has only been employed by Downing Street since Saturday. He was lean and healthy when he arrived. It seems the sheer volume of sin he consumed so rapidly lead to a rapid decline in his health. Which is a shame, as there’s a mountain of horror left to be eaten and new sins added hourly.”

There are currently no plans to conduct a post-mortem as it is believed opening up the deceased’s body would be akin to a “Pandora’s Box level calamity.”

“We know the cause of death. It would be best to just have the Navy wrap the body in a Union Flag and dispose of the Sin-eater in a deep sea trench. Then all declare its move on.”

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Cameron corrupt cronyism report to be written by corrupt Cameron crony

ALL FOR ONE, AND ONE FOR ALL: Disgraced former Prime Minister and (allegedly) current pig fancier “Dodgy” David Cameron is under investigation. To ensure that the correct conclusion is reached, an old corrupt crony of Cameron’s is to compile the report.

The conclusion is the tricky part. Does the government wish to exonerate one of its own; or does it wish to throw Cameron to the Fleet Street lions in a blame shifting dead cat manoeuvre? Either way, the evidence will be found to support whichever conclusion is chosen.

To this end, the report will be produced by a man who is (also allegedly) up to his neck in the same filth, Sir Fitt O’Spondoolix. It takes a crook to catch a crook, as the saying goes these days in Westminster.

Or indeed to find a crook completely innocent and deserving of a 40% pay rise.

Either way, Cameron is reported to be cowering in his shed, writing the latest volume of his memoirs (David Cameron: The Nick Clegg Years).

Regular Westminster watcher Phil Inderblancs was willing to speculate wildly. “It’s clear a crime has been committed,” he guessed. “That’s why there’s going to be a report. But think about this. What’s the crime?”

Inderblancs paused for effect, sipping from an inter-lockdown pint.

“Is it corruption? No way,” he said confidently. “That goes on all the time, and they are all in on it. It’s not cronyism for the same reason. No, the problem here is that old Dodgy slipped up and got found out.”

Another meaningful sip of freedom.

“So they will either throw Dodgy Dave under the bus, or sweep the whole lot under the carpet,” he concluded. “Ultimately Dave is one of the lads, so as soon as the whitewash comes out, they will be in the market for a very large Axminster and some expensive brooms.”

Nothing to see here. Nothing at all. Time to move on. 

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“Dance of Brexit” rehearsals for Brexit Festival result in A&E admissions for facial injuries

DANCE MACARBE : Reports of CALAMITY last night in the Little England village of Nostalgia after rehearsals for a new dance resulted in a flood of A&E admissions at the nearest hospital.

It’s understood the residents were hoping to build on the success of their VE Day 2020 conga line dance by inventing a new conga to celebrate Brexit at the upcoming festival.

“The dance has been designed by a local man, Mr Amnesia, who added a few extra twists and turns to the classic dance,” our local correspondent reports. “But a printer mishap meant each dancer received a slightly different set of instructions.”

It’s understood those taking part in the rehearsal had memorised exactly the moves they were to make, only many of those moves were incompatible with the ones learnt by others.

“It all started out coherently enough with everyone involved managing to separate themselves by some distance during the first change, the Leave means Leave steps, but it was when they came back together and attempted to move forward all hell broke loose.”

Eye witness accounts say “dancers elbowed each other in the eyes. Accidentally butt punched one another. Someone vomited after punching themselves in the stomach on purpose and then everyone was so desperate to avoid the puddle they just crashed together and went down like a sack of proverbial.”

Further reports of a firearm being discharged and blowing off the user’s foot after being investigated.

“I can confirm that Mr Bluff did cut off his own nose with a rusty razor during the step sequence titled ‘Stuff the French’. A spokesman for the hospital says doctors are attempting to re-attach the body part but the procedure is being complicated by the patient refusing point blank to believe he has cut his nose off in the first instance.”

Many of the injuries were worsened by a delay in seeking help as the dancers accused a small local group called “Remoaners” of being responsible for the catastrophic outcome, but none of them are known to have been involved.

“Further damage was sustained owing to the nearest hospital with an A&E department being over 50 miles distant, as the town’s own A&E was closed recently to make way for a Union Flag superstore.”

The organisers say they intend to continue rehearsals just as soon as they can “get their heads out of their arses”. That condition is said to be “pre-existing”.

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Downing Street renames Irish Sea the ‘EU Sea’ so they get the blame for everything Brexit

DODGE BALL : Downing Street has taken a decisive stride to distance itself from the problems associated with Brexit by way of a neat geographical side step.

The manoeuvre is part of the long running dance of Brexit. A traditional dance to which everyone now knows the moves, the most important of which for the British government is the avoidance of that ever present dance partner, blame.

“Consequence needs to be avoided at all costs to successfully complete the dance too,” a 10 Downing Street course said. “So too scrutiny, repercussions and accountability.”

The latest step is to rename the Irish Sea.

“Clearly we haven’t consulted the Irish. We may send a lackey over to talk to them about it if they get really hot under the collar over it. Lands and titles for their political leaders in Kent ought to sort it. If the pressure is really intense at home the PM may even go personally. But that would have to be a drastic state of affairs, such as a wine stain on a sofa or some other domestic furore he needs to avoid for a few days.”

The new name for the Irish Sea will be not cause any navigational issues for shipping, not just because of the reduced volume of it since Brexit.

“The Irish Sea is now the EU Sea. Consider it a gift from a friendly and outward looking Downing Street,” the source clarifies. “And this way when everything really goes to hell in a handcart the EU will get all the blame.”

Genius.