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Nobody surprised that Matt Hancock’s family drinks in Matt Hancock’s pub

IT’S WHO YOU KNOW, NOT WHAT YOU KNOW: Experts are out, and cronies are in. Revelations that Your Good Health Secretary Matt Hancock awarded NHS contracts to family members who just happened to drink in the same pub have shocked nobody. 

The Cock Inn, the pub in the charming village of Snouts-in-the-Trough, has become a recruiting ground for Hancock. The landlord mysteriously landed a Covid test kit contract. Old Lenny, who has sat in the same seat and told the same tall stories for over 50 years now, has been given his own show on GB News. And the darts team turned out for Manchester United at the weekend. 

This is a case of putting the Hancock into the Cock. 

The Cock Inn WhatsApp group was busy after the latest revelations. Everybody in Snouts-in-the-Trough, it seems, wants a bit of Matt’s benevolence. “I’m a cleaner, I could do money laundering!” posted Henry Hoover the barman. “I’m good with brushes, maybe I could help to sweep the whole affair under the doorMatt,” suggested artist Matt Black. “I’m Matt Hancock, and so is my wife!” was a very popular comment. 

The pub itself is considering a name change, from the Cock Inn to the Hancock Inn. It is now open for socially distanced drinks in the pub car park, but if you give Matt a bell he will bypass covid restrictions for you and give you a cushy job with the government. 

Hancock family members are famously known as shareholders in a prominent NHS outsourcing firm. What is less well known is the composition of the board of directors. The Sales Director is Squeaky, his daughter’s pet mouse, for example,and the Chairman is the family goldfish, Fluffy. 

And accusations of cronyism have been firmly rebutted by the Hancock family. This isn’t cronyism, they claim. It’s nepotism. Get it right! 

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Downing Street release recording of MPs laughing all the way to the bank to cheer up voters

MINE GOES UP TO ELEVEN : To celebrate the success of Boris Johnson’s government, Downing Street has released a special recording of MPs’ voices.

The recording is a compilation of MPs emotionally reacting to their time in government and what it means to them.

“It’s an incredibly rich recording, because so many of the MPs began as multi-millionaires or are that wealthy now, due to tireless public service. Clearly one gets rewarded for one’s sacrifices, often to a surprising degree.”

The first people to hear the recording say it is incredibly cheerful as all the MPs featured are laughing.

“No discernible words. Just raucous laughter. They’re all in it together. It’s amazing to hear such happy people who aren’t afraid to let the general public know it.”

But it’s not just the emotions involved, there’s texture to the laugh track, as the MPs are all on a journey to the same destination.

“It’s the bank. They’re all laughing all the way to the bank. If you listen carefully you can hear the waterfall of tax receipts tumbling about MPs in a glorious golden shower. And towards the end of the track a lot of their family members can be heard laughing at the bank too. Which is nice.”

Being an MP in a Boris Johnson government? Nice work if you can get it. Could be nice for your siblings and parents too, if there’s a never ending pandemic.

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Matt Hancock’s sister to lead inquiry into Matt Hancock awarding contracts to Matt Hancock’s sister

IT’S A FAMILY BUSINESS : The great unwashed are famous for being jealous of the hard earned success of their betters.

We need look no further than the case of Matt Hancock who has valiantly been building on the sacrifices of those men who died on the beaches. Initially by supporting lying to the Queen so he could be Secretary of State for Health, and latterly by solving the social care crisis.

Well Matt Hancock has had enough, especially now that people have noticed he has a sister who he innocently awarded lucrative contracts too. The company of the receiving end just happened, by total coincidence, to have a large shareholding in the name of Matt Hancock. It’s probably not the same Matt Hancock.

“These accidents happen every day,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s like accidentally shagging a Union Flag draped IT tutor who needs hundreds of thousands of pounds to further her completely legitimate business interests. Nothing to see here. Move along please. Don’t ask who helped set up the Conservative Friends of Russia. The public need to let us get on with the business of governing.”

That’s what Matt thinks too. So he’s going to order an inquiry into Matt Hancock awarding contracts to Matt Hancock’s sister who has a company that Matt Hancock just happens to hold shares in. A shredding company no less.

And who will chair the inquiry?

“Why Matt Hancock’s sister of course. She knows everything that’s happened. And she can work closely with Matt, as already proven. If you want to get the right result you need to start on the right foot. Get an expert involved. Get in a family member.”

Then everyone can accept it’s time to move on, again…

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Michael Gove ready to “stop hiding” and launch leadership contest to “rid Tory party of corruption”

MISSING IN ACTION : The UK’s greatest living politician, Michael “Rupert” Gove, is rumoured to be readying himself to return to frontline political action.

It’s believed he left the stage some weeks back over growing unease at the levels of public awareness of cronyism in government and wanted to be “the first rat to jump off the ship”. A decision which only increases his worth in the public estimation.

Now it seems after quiet time in contemplation, during which circulating “reports of puppies and kittens being sacrificed on an altar to an ancient kraken” are described as “overblown”, Mr Gove is ready to stage a comeback.

“He’s going for the top. He’s going to cut the head off the snake,” an insider in Hell told LCD Views. “Johnson won’t even have time to shout ET tu Gove! Or appeal to any other extraterrestrial for help.”

It’s believed Mr Gove is assured that the governing 1922 Committee already have the required number of letters expressing no confidence in the shambolic prime minister because “Gove and his wife wrote them themselves”, presumably in blood or some other powerful fluid.

Speculation that is was their own blood is far fetched though as the “paper would have caught fire on contact”.

The appeal to rid the governing party of public awareness is thought to be strong amongst MPs who are “troubled over the sheer size of the cat that David Cameron let out of the bag”.

Re-bagging the public awareness feline is sure to see Gove replace Johnson as “governing in the modern Conservative way requires a lot more discretion than the boozy, blonde, playboy is able to manage.”

It’s not believed Mr Gove plans to hold a snap general election, should he succeed, because that would risk the beginning of the “millennia of terror and suffering on Earth he intends to oversee.”

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Stuck in France: my personal nightmare

France has its virtues. It has an agreeable climate. There is an unlimited supply of delicious fresh food and fine wine. There is even the reputation of slightly loose morals, if you are that way inclined. Unfortunately, all the people speak French, so these undoubted pleasures pall after a while, and one is desperate to return to good old Blighty.

Ah, the rain, the chill wind, the endless grey tarmac, the soggy chips and the limp lettuce. Britain, land of heroes. Although far from representing oneself as a hero, one does crave home soil. However, this is impossible right now for me, as I have become trapped in a bureaucratic nightmare so characteristic of the EU.

For I am unable to return home. The French have closed their borders – presumably this is an illegal act, since only a truly independent sovereign nation is able to do this – because of the panic over the Covid-19 virus. This appalling state of affairs is set to continue for some while. This dreadful treatment of a proud British Citizen is an example of how the EU has regarded us all along. This is not intended to become a political diatribe, but my experience demonstrates just how right we were to Leave.

My advisors inform me that the UK is now a 3rd country. This is just ridiculous. The UK is the number one country. Third place belongs to some insignificant, tinpot nation. Ireland, maybe, or Greece, but not the UK.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. Once 90 days have passed France will be obliged to deport me. This indignity I will endure in order to return to Glorious Great Britain. In the interim I shall be obliged to endure la vie Françoise and merely dream of concrete, traffic jams, and oafs brawling outside Wetherspoons.

Keep the home fires burning!

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Hancock “elated” to discover he’s not only child at “shock reveal” he gave sister’s firm NHS contracts

HANCOCK AND HANCOCK LTD : The UK’s world beating Secretary of State for Health Matt Hancock is said to be “taking his time to come to terms” with his sister over a lucrative NHS contract.

The measured approached is mostly counted in bags of gold, but also due to the shock discovery by Mr Hancock that his latest business partner is his sibling.

“I’m bowled over,” Mr Hancock is reported to have told colleagues. “I wonder who else I’ve been giving multi-million pound pandemic contracts to unaware we’re related?”

The surprising discovery is said to be rapidly healing the deep felt sadness Mr Hancock has always “carried since I was an infant” at the belief he was an only child. Apparently his parents constructed an elaborate maze in the family home which was supposed to entertain their offspring on rainy days, but resulted in none of them ever meeting face to face.

“From time to time I’d hear a girl singing,” Mr Hancock is said to have said. “I just assumed it was a songbird. Now I know it’s my sister. I must have unconsciously given her the contracts unaware I also had substantial holdings in the company involved. It’s amazing what your subconscious gets up to.”

Clearly there is no evidence of wrongdoing in any of this on any level.

“I want the public to have full confidence in the process used to dish out instant wealth during this surprisingly endless crisis,” Mr Hancock is preparing to tell the country. “For this reason I still be appointing my sister to chair an inquiry into our dealings. She’s as stunned as I am.”

Such a revelation will be hard to move on from quickly, but we’re sure an attempt will be made.

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Statue of David Cameron commissioned to celebrate his innocence

HISTORY IS WRITTEN BY THE VICTORS: The UK government has moved swiftly to cut off rumours about former Prime Minister David Cameron. It confirmed that a statue will be erected a lasting testament to his integrity and good faith.

There will be an enquiry, of course. The board had been appointed, boxes ticked, appropriate noises been made in Parliament. The commission will consider two questions. Firstly, on which grounds to exonerate Dodgy Dave. Secondly, where to place the statue.

The inner circle will not, of course, reveal any details, at least not on record. Many, however, will spill their guts on condition of strict anonymity. One insider, who gave his name only as “Grace Chrisling”, was particularly voluble, particularly after a pizza delivered by ferry.

“Everyone knows that old Dave is as dodgy as they come,” revealed Chrisling, tucking into thick crust pepperoni with extra mozzarella. “Aren’t we all, it’s such fun! A nod and a wink, quick backhander, few more quid in the bank, Bob’s your uncle. Is there any more of that garlic bread?”

Here’s some with extra cheese. Now, do you know how events will unfold?

“The enquiry will be dragged out for years,” said Chrisling, munching away happily. “Everyone will claim enormous fees, and even bigger lunches, before exonerating Dave.”

On what grounds?

“That Rayner woman once claimed for earbuds on expenses,” gloated Chrisling. “And if she was let off, we must treat Dave the same way! Now, pass the stuffed crust…”

The second question, where will the statue go?

“I don’t know!” spluttered Chrisling through a mouthful of ham and pineapple. “But, between you, me, and the gatepost, he will either replace Churchill, or fill the fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square. Then everybody will know that Dave could not have been dodgy, because he has a statue. Stands to reason, at least to the plebs. Pour us another cola!”

Innocent until proven guilty? The result was never in doubt.

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James Dyson does not suck and neither do his products

Patriots who walk the talk do not come along very often, self professed patriots even less frequently, and this is why Britain must treasure its very own resident of Singapore.

We would do well to remember the words of James Dyson’s famous ancestor, Sir Aire Blaid, at the pivotal siege of Hoover, “If victory is to be our prize we must blow the microbes all over the place”.

Precious few billionaires have been prepared to sacrifice the home comforts of England for the more tax efficient, but decidedly less well oaked landscape of the Orient. Others have chosen Monaco or the Cayman Islands.

Indeed a case can be made to award James Dyson the Victoria Cross. A medal normally reserved for distinguished service on the field of battle, but which loyal servant of the realm has fought more valiantly to free England from Brussels than Sir Dyson? They should never have crossed him in the early 2000’s. The grey men in suits knew not the dragon, slumbering on its hoard, that they woke.

Only last year Dyson promised to make ventilators from scratch, even though numerous other domestic producers were already making proven ones and could do so much faster if given the public funds.

Where would the much needed Blitz Spirit have been found in that? Indeed, only with Dyson’s intervention did we escape the clutches of the EU wide medical products procurement programme.

The Dyson project was never completed, but that’s because the ventilators had to push and pull, and James normally just deals in things that suck. And besides, we really just needed to know his ego was still present.

Which brings us to the meat and gristle of our subject. James Dyson and his products do not suck. Such is the reputation and we are prepared to stand back and blow it across these vellum sheets.

Who else would still have the brass neck to go into the press and lie to the public’s faces about the possibilities provided by Brexit? Tim Martin maybe. Boris Johnson perhaps. But no man values his independence more than Dyson. He’s so independent he no longer lives among us. That is a Brexit benefit for you right there. One you can suck up and hold and needs no bag.

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Man fails at easiest job in history

PORK SCRATCHINGS : Britain’s greatest living ex-prime minister David Cameron has failed.

”It was a shock to anyone who hasn’t met him,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “I mean, he’s so charismatic. The problem is his ambition. Loser ex-PM’s just charge £50K a hit to have lunch and a peak at their book of contacts. Not Dave. He had bigger fish to fry. But now he’s the one he’s frying.”

And the thick smoke from the Dave vat is intense.

“Johnson is loving it though. Which is nice. Best laugh he’s had watching Cameron swing since giving new boys wedgies in the changing rooms as a schoolboy. Gives him a break from Carrie banging on about whether or not they chose the right wallpaper for the nursery too. Why ask him? He only just discovered they have a nursery at No.11. Now he wants to move out! Ha!”

While no one will resent Britain’s hardest working prime minister having a laugh at an old rival’s expense, there is a touch of concern that Tory cats maybe be coming out of Tory bags.

“The hoi polloi are just jealous. Why else would you become a modern Tory MP except to get the money back the great unwashed stole from your family via tax? Sound motivation. Public good. It’ll trickle back down. Maybe a bit smelly and yellow, but it’ll trickle alright.”

But what next for Cameron?

“Oh it’s a karmic avalanche. He’s failed at the easiest job in history. Imagine being so useless you can’t make a go of it in the U.K. of 2021 as a Tory insider lobbyist in an openly corrupt chumocracy? That takes some doing. World beating failure.”

Just call him Dave.

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We already control Whitehall, now let’s acquire Pall Mall and Northumberland Avenue

Never mind the Monopolies Commission. Control is vital to the Ruling Class. To remain in the Pink, investment in key properties must take place.

The covid crisis has hit rental income badly. This was an unlucky roll of the dice. Private companies have, sadly, had to let staff go, in order that they may still afford to pay their dividends. There is nothing left in the Community Chest.

The solution is to acquire a greater number of properties. Whitehall, though it produces a not inconsiderable sum, is under pressure from the unpatriotic woke public standards office to reduce the amount of taxpayers’ money spent on renting offices, houses, hotels and the like. We exhort UnoTestiocular readers to club together to acquire the entirety of Pall Mall and Northumberland Avenue. We need only show the world that we possess the cojones.

Expert opinion suggests that this move would, at a stroke, double our rental income. We have been advised, however, to avoid one well-known property on Pall Mall. The advice is not to purchase St James’s Palace at the current time, out of respect for Prince Philip.

We must take the Chance. (Nobody in our circles would ever pay a £10 fine.) But we must not be too greedy. Doubling our income is desirable, naturally, but doubling three times could land us in Jail, although it is probable that someone in the know will be able to produce a Get Out Of Jail Free card.

Quite frankly, this is an unsurpassed opportunity to erect many hotels. London is still a big draw internationally, and should prices prove a little steep for some, well that’s business. We can be flexible and offer to receive payment in property. This has the advantage of taking lesser players out of the game.

And remember, we can always collect all the fines from the so-called “Free Parking”. Advance to Mayfair!