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Famous liberal Boris Johnson “shocked” at “out of character” actions of Home Secretary

ALEXANDER DE PEFEFFEL BORIS JOHNSON : Bad times in the No 11 Downing Street flat this morning as reports of “two blows landing one after another” leak from the creaky ship of state.

The left hook appears to be the Prime Minister’s “deep shock” at the “out of character” behaviour of his Home Secretary Priti Patel.

“Ms Patel has a reputation for removing people from the country with a ruthless efficiency completely devoid of human feeling,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“That’s why she is in her job.”

We realise that.

“Remember the footage of Boris Johnson refusing to shake hands with those two black delegates at Tory Conference?”

Yes. Here’s the link.

“Remember all his colourful language in columns over years? Remember how he plays to the basest instincts of the electorate? THAT’S WHY PATEL IS HOME SECRETARY. An individual so devoid of human feeling, so cleansed of empathy she is perfect to keep the dirty deeds at arm’s length. Her failure yesterday has rocked the PM. Now he has to fight Scotland full on. You remember the Glasgow Airport terrorist incident? Boris Johnson is a bully. Bullies run from serious danger. He does not want to have to take Glasgow on. God damn you Priti! Damn you to hell!”

What was the second blow?

“Oh, the right hook was Carrie deciding she wants to change the wallpaper. Again. Maybe difficult to find a donor to pay for it.”

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Man rescued after throwing himself into a vat of pig slurry explains, “I was trying to embrace Brexit!”

YOU’LL NEVER GET THE STAINS OUT : A middle-aged man from the former Red Wall town of Footy had a lucky escape today after hurling himself into a bubbling vat of pig slurry.

Reports from the scene indicate the man had heard a voice urging him to “Embrace Brexit” and immediately left his home, drove to the nearest pig farm where he physically dived into the ferocious mess head first.

Eyewitnesses were unable to comment as they were all pigs, but first responders did talk to the press about what they found at the scene and what the man concerned said.

“We were alerted a little after 6am this morning by the distressed call from a farmer in the hamlet of Footley, five miles outside of the town of Footy,” a police officer said. “The farmer said he was doing his morning check on his stock and that’s when he heard the shouts of alarm. He rushed to the slurry vat to find there was a man unknown to himself in the warm slurry and he would not get out.”

Apparently the farmer attempted to rescue the man who refused. He retreated and called emergency services, before returning to continue to attempt rescue.

“Fortunately the vat was only thigh deep with muck and although the individual was slipping and sliding all over as he tried to actually hug the pig slurry the farmer was able to lasso him in a move he said he learned from watching John Wayne movies with his grandfather.”

The man was eventually dragged from the vat by a combination of police, ambulance drivers, firemen and the farmer all dragging on the rope. The attempt to embrace Brexit was described as “unsuccessful and just left the man covered in pig shit”.

He is being treated at a nearby sanatorium and is expected to be released into the care of his wife. She is said to be “fuming”.

“We can’t really say why he tried it,” the police added. “He’s not overweight, red faced and doesn’t read any right wing tabloids. He is also no fan of the Prime Minister. It was reckless in the extreme. It’s likely the stink of electoral crime, loss of prestige and influence, the harm done by forcing through an ill-judged political agenda via racism and deluded exceptionalism will hang over him for some time. We would advise no one else attempt to embrace Brexit, who has not already.”

Instead the advice is to continue to exercise your democratic right to tell Brexit to sod off and come back when it’s located an actual benefit and is prepared to apologise to the millions of people it’s already harmed.

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BREAKING LEAK : PM’s debt of £535 owed to “Central Animal Casting – Prop. Dog. Day rate £535”

PLEASE LET IT BE TRUE : 10 Downing Street is said to be in a frenzied state this morning and fevered discussions are happening over “Who will wake the Prime Minister and tell him?”

The cause of the caustic condition is rumoured to be a Whitehall leak overnight to absolutely no one at all as we’ve just made it up out of wishful thinking.

“Dylin is rented,” the fabrication says. “Day rate £535. Central Animal Casting Mayfair.”

While the fact the Downing Street dog is rented as and when needed will surprise no one, the fact the PM doesn’t pay the bill owing will also surprise no one.

“We’re going to have to call a COBR meeting and decide who wakes him up,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “This is more serious than the Indian variant rising in Bolton. We may even have to call in one of his lady friends to do it. By some fiendish trick of fate the Downing Street kitchens are out of the ingredients needed for his morning hangover cure. Something about an unpaid grocery bill. No one can go out and get them as he’s already picked all our pockets clean.”

The revelation that the bill is for the dog will at least put paid to the scandalous rumours that pretty much everyone ever pictured with the PM in a “family setting” either does not exist or is also hired on an “as and when needed” basis.

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Prime Minister’s unpaid debt revealed to be to “the truth” and “much, much larger than reported”

THE JUDGEMENT OF HISTORY : The UK’s last Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reported to have an unpaid debt subject to a county court judgement to the tune of £550ish. There has been fevered speculation today as to who the debt is owed to.

“Everyone is barking up the wrong tree,” an expert on the matter told LCD Views. “It’s clearly too low to be child maintenance, when you consider how prodigious a sire he is. Maybe a cleaning bill for a sofa stained with wine? Why bother. Just throw out the sofa and start over. A donor will cover that without breaking a sweat. Perhaps an IT course top up? Far too low again. Drycleaning bill for a Union Jack that has been well shagged? Possible, but I suspect the flag would just be quietly incinerated. The answer is obvious.”

The answer, according to our expert, is that the debt is owed to the truth, to common decency, to probity, honesty, dignity, fidelity, the people and to history.

“It’s obvious the debt owed is much, much greater than is being reported. Rishi Sunak is getting a reputation for turning down the PM’s bigger financial requests, but happily for the austere Chancellor Boris Johnson will eventually have to pay this debt back himself.”

The date he will repay his debt to the truth is unclear. He seems to be able to run up bills daily and stride on without even looking back to see if anyone at all is paying. But the debt is growing and one day a karmic avalanche will collect.

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David Cameron reveals sequel to his memoirs titled : “David Cameron and my part in his downfall”

DAVID CAMERON’S SHEPHERD’S HUT SHED TOUR DATES ANNOUNCED : BRITAIN’S GREATEST LIVING LOBBYIST, and former chillaxed Prime Minister David Cameron, is being asked a series of gruelling questions today over that little Greensill lobbying scandal. But he’s taken the time for some self-promotion too.

During questioning over why he so persistently and affectionately lobbied former colleagues and government officials for cash Mr Cameron dodged one particularly incisive smart bomb with a touching diversion.

“I think what the viewers really want to hear today is when the sequel to my bestselling memoirs ‘Britain And My Part In Its Downfall’ is due for release?” the award winning amateur economist replied.

Of course he is right about that as he has proven right about so many things. Which casts in stark release how wrong he turned out to be about Greensill and that little NHS cash burner.

“It’s not just all fun and games in my shed. It’s not only putting on some hip and hop and smoking a few bowls maaaaaan,” Mr Cameron drawled insouciantly. “Can we smoke in here? Let’s party. Who wants to party? Will you roll up? Shall I roll up? Who wants to fist bump?”

No one wanted to party. Only one person wanted to fist bump and they wouldn’t admit to it.

Instead EVERYONE was eager to hear the title of the sequel to a memoir that topped the best seller lists on Pluto’s moon Charon in both 2019 and 2020.

“David Cameron and My Part in His Downfall,” Mr Cameron finally laid it down. “It’s due for early release, which is probably more than you can say for most ministers who served from 2010 until now! Ha!”

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Virgin Media hires former Prime Minister David Cameron to work in customer retention

CHASE YOU TO THE GRAVE AND BEYOND : These days many people seem to think former Prime Minister David Cameron is a slacker who spends his days just chillaxing and texting his old work colleagues. This is not the case!

Clearly the halcyon days are past for Britain’s greatest living Prime Minister, between the years 2010 – 2015. Indeed, the saying all political careers end in failure is wonderfully epitomised by the architect of austerity. The statesman who called Brexit on, and then ran away. Job done. Now he is building on that blazing end in a way no one just sitting about with “their trotters up” could hope to achieve.

“He’s taken a job with Virgin Media,” a source inside Team Dave tells LCD Views. We have taken no steps to authenticate any of this. In fact we have just make it all up as we go along with very little thought. Much like Dave’s day to day work as PM. It feels a fitting tribute.

The exact job appears to be in the thorny thickets of customer relations.

“It’s a tough gig attempting to convince people to stay on your side. To continue to invest in something they now no longer want to pay into. After seeing the dogged determination that Mr Cameron displayed when trying to get Sunak to bail Greensill out we just had to have him on the team. He may not convince anyone to do what he wants, but boy, will he have the bit between his teeth when he tries. Especially if there’s a little something in it for him. A bonus of some kind. He’s our guy.”

Dave is expected to start work immediately, working from home form his shed. So if you’re thinking of changing internet supplier you may find Dave texting you so frequently you’ll consider taking out a restraining order. If he does well in customer retention he maybe given his own sales portfolio. Watch out Rishi! Dave has a streaming service for you!

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“Needing photo ID to vote is the same as needing Matt Hancock’s number for a PPE contract” – Minister

TEXT 4 CASH : Consistency is key to good government. The people need to be governed, not always well I grant you, but governed all the same. And consistency is a benchmark. Some are consistently good while others are predictably terrible. So long as the people know what is being served up they will be happy. Otherwise they may rise up. Or they may commit voter fraud.

“Happily the occurrence of voter fraud in the U.K. is about the size and scale of the violin being played in sympathy for David Cameron,” The Minister for Fraud told LCD Views. “Which is welcome. I have my work cut out already creating all the other fraud!”

But just because a problem does not exist is no reason not to solve it.

“I’m glad the PM has decided to solve the issue before it occurs. It is completely out of character for him too. Voter prophylactics and Johnson? Who’d have thunk it. The photo ID problem will ensure no one ever votes illegally again. It will also dramatically decrease the number of people voting. That will mean even less fraud. It’s a stroke of genius.”

For anyone concerned though that disadvantaged people may effectively be stripped of their inalienable right to vote, the Minister for Fraud has some encouraging words.

“Work harder. Better yourself. Once you achieve that dream car you’ll need a driving licence. Problem solved. Once you begin bi-annual holidays to France you’ll need a passport. Again, problem solved. Needing photo ID to vote is no different from needing Matt Hancock’s phone number to get a PPE contract. If you’ve got it, you’ll get it, if you don’t? You don’t deserve it.”

If you can pay to play, you’ll never be disenfranchised in Brexitannia. The people have decided. Increasingly less of them will decide in future, granted.

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Dido Harding to lead Track and Trace unit for voter fraud with £37bn budget

MONEY IS FUNNY : People across the United Kingdom are smiling into their home brand cornflakes from the local food bank this morning with the news the government is to crackdown on voter fraud.

”It’s not just the food bank users, elderly people who have to sell their homes to pay for end of life care are also deeply reassured,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “So too people wondering how to export to the EU. I hear a bus was even torched in Northern Ireland when a celebration got out of hand.”

The jubilation is reported to be across all sectors of society with fishermen planning to “sail up the Thames and throw in some dead mackerel outside Westminster Palace.”

Trillions are also said to have left the London Stock Exchange for New York and a few EU destinations. People are that ecstatic.

”Finally I can vote knowing that the person behind me hasn’t queued up to pretend to be someone else who may or may not already be recorded as having cast their one ballot. That’s before they scoot off to the other side of town, where they’re not registered, to try it on again,” one happy punter told us. They wished to remain anonymous in case someone tried to impersonate them in the next GE.

“They need have no fear now,” the Downing Street source says. “Dido Harding is on the case.”

The colossus of viral Track and Trace is back and this time it’s serious.

“She’ll be given a £37bn budget to track and trace every fraudulent ballot. How she spends it is anyone’s guess. We’re not keeping tabs. This is too urgent a mission. But if I was a t-shirt seller in Istanbul, a faceless company registered at a hotel in Hong Kong, a jewellery designer in Florida or had once poured Matt Hancock a pint I’d be trembling in anticipation of being paid tens of millions to play my part.”

Rest assured people of Britannia, Dido is once again unchained.

What to do about it when the voters elect a fraud though? On that the government is silent. Presumably you can just vote them out at the next general election. That’s if Boris Johnson ever decides to call one.

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Scientists advise safest way to “cautiously hug” Boris Johnson is to first sink him into The Mariana Trench

LEAD WEIGHTS PREFERRED : Great news for people who like people this week with British Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s plans to open the country back up. Covid is on the retreat for now, but that doesn’t mean we have to let it go too easily.

From May 17th people in England will be able to hug again, which will probably come as a bit of a surprise to people who live together. They may not have been aware they were supposed to have stopped all that late last year.

The exact way in which you can hug again was described by the PM has “cautiously”, leading to some scratching of heads.

“If you hug from a distance it’s not a hug? Does he mean to seek consent first? That’s standard. Does he mean to do it virtually? That would be pointless. Does he mean to use birth control? Sounds unlikely, given his history. What in Hell does he mean? Maybe no tongues? Hold your breathe while you do it? What exactly does he mean? What? Just WHAT?” one confused punter asked LCD Views.

So we asked the experts. We’ve never stopped liking them. We can never get enough of them.

“I can’t clarify anything the bumbling old walrus says or does,” Professor Fhour Fook-saek replied to our inquiry. “The phrase cautiously hug is inherently self-contradictory. But I can tell you for nothing that if you plan on hugging Boris Johnson the only cautious way to do it is to first sink him into The Mariana Trench. Then use virtual reality. You’ll still need a wash afterwards.”

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Patel bids to deport “foreign born” criminal in power play to become PM

BOOM TIME FOR EXPORTERS : Rumours today that Home Secretary Priti Patel is among the number of senior Tory cabinet members who have gotten their hopes up about becoming Prime Minister.

“It’s Gove and Dom’s fault,” a fabricated 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, in an article of total fabrication. “They’ve gotten everyone worked up by publicly taking chunks out of Johnson recently. Raab spends several hours a day now just staring into a mirror watching his pulsating right temple vein. He believes it pulses with an ancient and dark power. Hancock is WhatsApping his friends, even people who didn’t know they were friends but accidentally became pals on MySpace. Gove is doing something grim with an altar and a bag of puppies to seek favour from some Babylonian underworld figure. As for Patel….”

The Home Secretary is said to have thinly veiled her power play in a speech on law and order. She is now famous for this, unless the alleged criminals involved are in elected office, some say.

“The focus on foreign born criminals? Why are they more dangerous or worthy of focus than native ones? Do you care about the accent of someone mugging you? Is it better if the violence is delivered with RP or rhyming slang? Are the crimes of British born criminals less serious? Do they come with flags? Draw your own conclusions.”

And people are drawing their own conclusions.

“Foreign born? Deluged by accusations of rule and lawbreaking? With a catalogue of such stretching back over decades? Whoever could that be? Whoever could she be targeting?”