LCD Views

ONE DAY AT A TIME : Great news for British farmers today as the government looks set to offer them the same long term security they have provided the fishing Industry.

“I can assure every producer of beef and lamb in the country that the prime minister’s massive overproduction of horse and bullshit will only augment the productivity of their green and pleasant pastures,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman will tell the sector later today.

“It is a simple matter of news cycle management. Mr Johnson delayed placing India on the red list until it was too late to keep the Indian variant out of the United Kingdom. The logic for this was fair play. He didn’t place Kent on any international travel lists late last year, as he was delaying lockdown and tens of thousands of people died. But he’s kept his job. This allows him now to sacrifice yours for news cycle management. He thanks you for your willingness to vote for the Conservative Party, in spite of all the glaring evidence over years that you’re essentially sacrificial lambs. But only when the time is right.”

The statement will be viewed as a relief by the UK’s meat producers who will soon have the opportunity to retrain as either “fishermen or ballerinas.” Although cyber should also be considered.

But critics of the PM’s decision to place short term political gain over the security of the UK’s food supply are concerned that one or two vital elements are missing from the deal Ms Truss has drafted.

“There must be a strict condition that all live imports of beef and sheep are wrapped in Union Flags. It’s about the optics. Bankrupt farmers UC applications must also be printed on Union Flag patterned paper. So long as everything appears patriotic we can do what we like with the populace. Just ask the Red Wall! Last time we were in power we demolished their economies and look at the voting patterns now. Ha!”

There are currently no plans for further photo shoots featuring the PM in rural landscapes.

LIFT THE VEIL : Downing Street is in classic bullish mood today and ready to hit back at the churlish EU!

The fighting stance comes after a late night drinking session in which Bollinger was preferred by the Prime Minister and his guests over English sparkling wine. For the event the Prime Minister wore an ensemble that had been left in a Yorkshire hedge for a year. Shoes were supplied by an Italian artisan cobbler and reassuringly the left foot was worn on the right and vice versa.

“The Prime Minister even wore tails for the event. Donkey tails as that was closest to hand in the dressing up box.”

It is rumoured that at one point in the rousing event the tail came lose from the Prime Minister’s outfit and all had a very merry time chasing him around the £2.6m media room in an attempt to pin it back on.

“Carrie eventually got the tail back on the old boy by laying a trap involving a vintage Playboy. We can’t disclose further details.”

But it wasn’t all matters of state and fizz, there was time for the usual party games.

“It was sometime around 2am that Lord Frost asked if they could play ‘What are we blaming on the EU today!’, which is a favoured part of any gathering at 10 Downing Street.”

Initially it was thought that blaming the spread of the Indian Variant to Yorkshire on Brussels would be a hoot. Although some were said to favour hanging the blame for the 14th century Black Death plagues on Macron.

“It was finally decided to take inspiration from Lord Frost’s commanding appearance before that boring select committee of meddling villeins yesterday and blame the EU for hiding the benefits of Brexit from the U.K.”

This is thought to make perfect sense as “the EU27 are the only ones enjoying any visible Brexit benefits. Which just goes to show the depths to which they will sink to undermine the swill of the British people.”

NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT : Deep concern across the United Kingdom today that Dido Harding is suffering from overwork after she was rumoured to have been hired to track and trace the benefits of Brexit.

Fingers are even being pointed at the Prime Minister and questions asked over whether or not he should hire Ms Harding a bigger team of management consultants? While the UK Gov retains the capacity to print money it would be possible to print whatever is required. After all, those offshore bank accounts aren’t going to just fill themselves. It is a politically viable strategy in the short to medium term too, as local authority budgets can be further squeezed and they can levy greater local taxes to fill in any holes created by central government.

“It will be okay,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The Indian variant will soon be in all corners of the country and there will be no need to carry on looking for it, as it will be everywhere. Thus the crack team of bloodhounds can turn to locating Brexit benefits.”

In spite of Downing Street’s confident demeanour the tracking and tracing of Brexit benefits will not just be a domestic issue and will require international travel. This is surprisingly difficult in a pandemic, although government is said to be up to the task or risking it.

“Admittedly all the benefits of Brexit so far are international,” the source says, before shrugging. “Trillions in trading have left London for EU and US destinations. The fishing industry is stuffed, presumably to the advantage of the Scandinavians? Who knows. Someone will have to look into that. We can add it to Dido’s to do list. It will only need a budget increase of a few more billions to get the answers. Maybe.”

The one big advantage Ms Harding will have is that so far only Australia, New Zealand and a few other countries no one talks about have banned incoming travel from the UK. Thus she doesn’t need to look there. But for anyone concerned that Ms Harding may again come up with empty hands in spite of the money spent, Downing Street has a fall back position.

“We’ll just lie about it. If that doesn’t work we’ll blame the Europeans. It worked to get Brexit done, presumably if we just keep blagging we can make a success of it. We already drafted a press release claiming that British air is only oxygenated because of Brexit.”

FROST IS ON THE WAY : The UK’s blazing comet of incompetence Lord Frost will be coming your way. Having failed to find any benefits to Brexit under the rock he crawled out from, in order to get a fancy title, he’s now widening his search.

“He’s going to walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more,” an aide to the lost Lord told LCD Views. “Well when I say walk, he’ll be chauffeur driven at public expense. But it amounts to the same thing in the end. He will get the job done.”

And the job needs doing, for in spite of getting Brexit done legally and ending the transition period in the middle of a pandemic, the land isn’t overflowing with Brexit benefits.

“Mostly it’s the churlish EU’s fault,” the aide clarified, “there’s a growing concern they’re intentionally hiding Brexit benefits from us. Which is a distinct possibility, given they seem to be the only ones enjoying any. They really should grow up and share.”

In the meantime, the Brexit front man will be ringing your doorbell.

“It’s possible you may have an unknown Brexit benefit behind your sofa. Even underneath it. It’s just as no one knows what they look like you haven’t been able to indentify it. Even when you drag it out with the hoover, before shoving it back under as too hard to deal with.”

Homeowners are asked to address Lord Frost by his full title when he darkens their doors too.

“He’s very particular about that. Agreeing to be the face of the national immolation in exchange for status was the reason he did it. Now you have to respect him. He’s a Lord. He’s got a piece of paper with it written on and everything. He’s no longer an inadequate. He’s a Lord. Did I mention he’s a Lord? He’s very pleased about it.”

Which is about the only way anyone has benefited from Brexit.

“Maybe if we made all the bankrupt fishermen lords they’d be okay with it? Just without the benefits.”