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Liz Truss to read her poetry to Aussie trade delegate so he agrees to anything to escape

HAMMER AND TONG : The UK’s super league trade negotiator Liz Truss has got everyone right where she wants them. This goes for the Aussies too.

“They can’t bring sandpaper to this fight,” a DIT aide tells LCD Views. “We’ll frisk them upon entry. Liz has it all lined up. The way to both decrease our carbon footprint and crush the bloody Aussies is all in the mind.”

In the mind of Liz Truss. A sparkling palace with mirrored halls if ever there was one.

“The uncomfortable chair wheeze was just to soften him up. Let him know he’s now fighting to earn his place in the super league of global trade. We’ve got more though. Like a prize fighter Liz is going to keep hitting him till he’s on his knees.”

The next meeting will see further left hooks, upper cuts, right jabs and even a full nut.

“She’ll give him a hat with corks hanging off it next. That will completely baffle him as he’ll likely be looking to give her one. Then she’ll ask if he had a kangaroo as a pet growing up? And how come he hasn’t been eaten by a shark while playing golf?”

Once the Aussie guy is battered and bruised, desperate for a way out, then Liz will hit him square in the guts with a move that will see him agree to anything.

“Once he’s on the ropes that’s when she finishes him off by reading him a selection of her own poetry. Roses are red, violets are blue, but my flag is much bigger than you. That sort of stuff. Ring a ring a ring a rosie, a pocket full of how’s it going Sheila! It’s Bruce! That’s her more experimental work.”

Throw another shrimp on the barbie! Liz Truss is taking down the Aussies!

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Boris Johnson asks James Dyson to build a bridge to Northern Ireland in exchange for council tax refund

GREAT EXPANSE OF NOTHING : When self professed patriots assemble in the national interest anything can happen.

This age old truth has never been truer than in the current epoch of Global Britain and Global Britain in crisis. It’s good to know the self professed patriots have indeed assembled.

“They’ve come together via WhatsApp,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “All texting each other like crazy. It’s a complete love in. Boris and James are texting so frequently people are just amazed at the depth of feeling.”

Depth is a key word in the relationship. Depth of the PM’s pockets as he uses his position of First Lord of the Treasury to spend, spend, spend the UK’s way out of crisis. Just look at the results. They’re plain as day. If Mr Johnson wasn’t PM the U.K. pandemic death toll would likely be very different. But he hasn’t done it alone, the spending that is.

“Mr Dyson has been a great assistance. He’s promised to build life saving equipment. It’s the thought that counts after all. Now he’s going to promise the big one.”

The big one being a bridge between Scotland and Northern Ireland that will magically solve the customs border crisis Mr Johnson caused by promising not to cause it.

“All he wants in exchange is a refund on his council tax to the tune of tens of millions. It’s an offer too good to be true. The PM has grabbed it. Just think of the headlines.”

And what will the bridge be built of?

“Why hot air of course. This way it can float over the customs border and the EU won’t even notice. Just like no one noticed the ventilators.”

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Johnny Mercer officially the last person on Earth to realise Boris Johnson is full of shit

LAST IN A CROWDED FIELD : Tory MP Johnny Mercer yesterday became the last in a very crowded field to realise Prime Minister Boris Johnson is completely full of shit.

The shock revelation occurred to Mr Mercer somewhat belatedly, given that as already stated, everyone else on Earth worked it out donkeys years ago.

The lightbulb moment caused Mr Mercer to attempt to resign on principle, not quite resign on principle, only to be sacked. Presumably for a display of doubt and disloyalty given that Boris Johnson has no principles at all. A fact confirmed by numerous investigations with an electron microscope.

What Mr Mercer will do now isn’t entirely clear although it’s likely he’ll need a good and long sit down.

“He’ll be needing to cast his mind back over recent years and ponder if there were any signs Boris Johnson is completely full of shit earlier?” our Westminster analyst asks. “Perhaps when the Prime Minister lied to the Queen? Not that anyone should resign over that minor little fib. Perhaps when he spent months touring the country in a bus painted with proven lies? Hardly anyone noticed, to be fair. Certainly not Johnny.”

Maybe the promise to avoid customs barriers for Northern Ireland by the PM could have enlightened Mr Mercer? But why would they as the PM only went and did it anyway.

“It’s really puzzling,” our analyst continues. “You have to wonder what Mr Mercer will do when he learns bears shit in woods and the Pope is Catholic. It will be mind blowing.”

For everyone else though the lingering question is perhaps more why now? He’s given a reason, and it’s a credible one, to do with veterans, but given the unceasing catalogue of complete and utter horse shit Johnson has showered the U.K. in for years now, why now?

Perhaps when Gove and Sunak come out of hiding they can enlighten all of us…

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New £2.6m briefing room to now be used by PM to Clap for the NHS

BURNS PUBLIC MONEY FOR FUN : BORIS JOHNSON has come a long way from the rumoured days of youth when he burnt £50 notes in front of homeless people for fun.

That sort of small time waste and intentional cruelty is now very much amateur league stuff in consideration of his activities as First Lord of the Treasury. Now he burns billions and incinerates them on the hour.

“It’s a calling,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Some are called to be doctors, nurses, firefighters or any number of professions that improve the lives of others. Johnson was called to be a human wrecking ball on the public’s finances.”

Whether it’s repainting planes he will hardly use to be more pointedly jingoistic, or refitting Downing Street out like a Topkapi Palace harem, Johnson is not shy at shovelling wads of cash onto a bonfire of his vanity.

“The £2.6m Downing Street press briefing room was small time but nicely symbolic,” the source continues. “Especially now it’s just going to be another meeting room, and after those nice Russians did such a good job on it too.”

It’s not entirely clear why the PM has backtracked on the US style briefings. Presumably because the individual hired to perform the sacred duty of shielding him from scrutiny, A Stratton, has decided she doesn’t want to completely shred her reputation on his pointy altar? Or maybe because now that Trump has gone US briefings are actually useful again.

“None of that matters. What matters is what Mr Johnson will now use his new £2.6m room for. He’ll turn up every now and then to clap for the NHS. Once he’s performed 2.6m claps we’ll be starting to see real value for money!”

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It’s time we had a European Super League for fox hunting

Amid all this hoo-haa about Association Football, one thing has escaped the notice of the self-important hoi polloi. Let them play football. It’s about time the Sport Of Gentlemen had a European Super League of Gentlemen.

A true Sport involves danger, risk, cunning, skill, and tearing an innocent animal apart. Very few of these attributes apply to Soccer and its overpaid crybaby players. The sight of blood is all too rare, and generally staunched instead of being allowed to flow freely. The object of pursuit here is not a lethally swift and unpredictable vermin, but an anodyne ball and a stationary net.

Football does have more noble origins, whereby at one time it was common for two mobs of common ruffians to fight tooth and nail over a barrel of beer. Instead of an almost daily occurrence, this would have been an annual spectacle, one single day when the serfs could be spared from working in the fields. In some of the more – shall we say – conservative villages in the shires, this noble tradition is still maintained. The score would be counted in broken limbs, missing teeth, and fatalities. Now that would be a Spectator sport worthy of the name.

And so we come to fox hunting. The Woke Brigade won’t like this discussion, but it is time to override their weedy handwringing once and for all. Gentlemen from across Europe should come together and compete on a level playing field. There may be objections about animal welfare and veterinary certificates, but a quick text to the Prime Minister should sort that out in no time.

There will be no prize, other than pride, naturally. But there will be casual expenses to pay for, such as transportation, grooms, stirrup cups and so forth. The serfs will have to put in an extra shift and contribute their earnings. There will be no tawdry TV coverage. This is a Trial of Champions, not bread and circuses.

So let us blow our own horns and release the hounds. Tally ho!

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Why Tory MPs should be applauded for courageous selfies at food banks

Foodbank selfies by Tory MPs are of course frowned upon by that persistent scourge of modern British life, the ‘woke’. I won’t capitalise the noun as it is neither proper nor to be encouraged.

Clearly the so called progressive forces on the map of the culture war wish to drag our great country back in time to when the food bank sector was in its infancy. In spite of all the claims to be concerned for their fellow man, this desire to rob the needy of sustenance gives the lie to their claims.

And in a pandemic too!

“If an elected official can not celebrate the fruits of his labour, what is the point of office?” – Z. Z. Zenopho, Arcadia, 324BC.

Dominic Raab is the latest to attract the ire of the filthy, dirty nailed, beggar soldiers of the extreme left-anarcho-fascist-antifa-international-snowflake-conspiracy. Or ‘Woke’ for shorthand.

Can you tell me of any other Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary of State in modern times who would have taken the time out of his busy schedule to visit a foodbank? The MP for Esther and Voltar is exemplary in his desire to make an example of himself. This can only encourage the lazy to work harder and feed themselves.

Imagine yourself as a disappointed small boy, stomach pains from hunger, holding a dry pot noodle in your hands, as your lazy parents take you shopping for freebies at the local food bank. If only they would take a fifth or sixth job, just like architect of austerity George Osborne, then maybe one day you could have a steak.

Suddenly this haze of despair at the accident of your birth is blown away by the hot wind of Raab, striding like a colossus across the very foundation stones of the caring and conservative policies that put you here to begin with!

“There is a man!” You would doubtless cry, to the embarrassment of your workshy family.

Maybe if you were very lucky Mr Raab will gift you an autographed copy of a child’s atlas? Assuming he has finished studying it.

Maybe, if the Gods have really decided to favour you this day, Mr Raab will tower over you as he raises his smart phone high and takes that selfie? Imagine your giddy thrill to see the throbbing temple veins of this titan up close?

No doubt your listless mother would find the energy to swoon.

For like the great trophy hunters of old, ridding the sub-continent of the terror of large cats and rhinoceros, a Tory MP in a food bank is indeed making a clean kill and taking a pelt to hang on their wall. If you’re just lucky enough, it maybe yours.

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Johnson to swap statue of Churchill for one of Dyson in exchange for Dyson paying less tax

THE FREE LUNCH : The UK’s tireless pub bore, and also prime minister, Boris Johnson is rumoured to have agreed a world beating deal with offshore billionaire James Dyson.

The deal is rumoured to be statuesque and will see the tired old, troublemaking statue of Winston Churchill replaced with one of Mr Dyson.

“The new Dyson statue will be made of plastic, just like his vacuum cleaners and his patriotism,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views.

The statue will be manufactured by Mr Dyson personally using British taxpayer funds and will come with a sizeable tax deduction upon completion.

Mr Johnson is said to have been thrilled when approached by Mr Dyson with the offer as he believes it “best symbolises the modern British, self-professed patriot”. It will be an example to all.

The payoff for Mr Johnson is not only the opportunity to attach himself to Mr Dyson’s reputation, but there’s something else in the bargain.

“James has promised Boris he will develop him a special edition Boris Johnson Vacuum Cleaner, which will definitely not suck. Also potentially a new Johnson hot air blade, to really blow those viral particles all over the place. A fitting tribute to his work in the pandemic.”

Mr Johnson is expected to gift the vacuum cleaner to either his mistress, his estranged wife, his fiancé or that new bit of hot totty he has his eyes on. Whatever seems funniest after smashing through a crate of claret.

The Dyson statue will also be a re-design of the boring old statue format.

“It’ll just be his head. Massive. Full of self-importance and blown completely out of proportion to his contribution to modern British life.”

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I’ve always supported Manchester Wanderers, claims Boris Johnson

BATTING FOR BRITAIN: The country’s world beating sports fan, Boris Johnson, is striding to the middle, racquet in hand, to enter the scrum. To emphasise his man of the people credentials, he has declared a lifelong love of Manchester Wanderers. 

He goes to soccer matches all the time, he claims. When he goes, he takes his mate, Burnley Ham Villa fan, “Dodgy” Dave Cameron. 

Johnson painted an evocative picture of two old mates cheering on Roy of the Rovers netting his weekly hat-trick. It could easily have been depicted on one of his famous wine box paintings. 

“Dave and I have spent many a Saturday afternoon in the grandstand at Maine Street,” he boasted. “Always at the, erm, yes, well, erm, the Piccadilly end, with our rattles and our sky blue pink club ties!” 

And in the modern era? 

“Oh, yes, erm, no, erm, wiff waff,” he waffled confidently. “Yes, they changed their stadium, didn’t they? Old Trafford to New Trafford? Splendid stuff, I say, yes, we often go and have a few glasses of claret and some foie gras during the interval, just like millions of other ordinary fans!” 

What’s your opinion on the European Super League business? 

“Well, erm, no, yes, well, it’s just not cricket, is it?” he replied. “I mean, a few clubs with more ego than sense, a glorious past but an uncertain future, thinking they are better than everyone else and cutting themselves off from their fans, just so their owners can get richer? It’s despicable. Despicable, I say!” 

If only there were some kind of parallel in global economics. 

“And it’s European, so it must be bad by definition!” Johnson spluttered. “Association soccer ball will be ruined for ordinary fans like me!” 

And who do you think will win the FA Cup this season? 

“Erm, yes, erm, well, the thing is…” he improvised, and quickly shambled off to hide in the nearest fridge. 

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Pub landlord who accosted Keir Starmer to head up Downing Street CV-19 policy unit

BATHING IN GLORY : UK PM BORIS JOHNSON has a well deserved reputation as a political opportunist and he’s in his stride today, as with all days.

“He’s hiring that boozy, mouthy, ill informed but exceptionally confident Bath publican to head up the Downing Street pandemic response unit,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He believes it will totally own the libs. They’ll be so gobsmacked they won’t notice the next bag fulls of billions handed out the back door to chums. And he can also double up as a Johnson body double. It’s a complete win.”

The move is seen as a “lightning rod” moment in Mr Johnson’s efforts to curb the killer virus, which got totally out of control several times, to the mystery of everyone. Even Mr Johnson.

“Hiring Rod Humphris will continue the tradition of having ageing men whose classic surname is spelt unusually playing key parts in UK life. It’s likely he’ll end up as a Today presenter on Radio 4 when he’s done. Neatly filling the shoes of the now retired John “‘BUT THE PEOPLE HAVE DECIDED’ Humprhys.”

The decision to hire Mr Humphris is believed to be supported by Tim Martin and other people who don’t understand anything at all about viruses.

“We can expect a quick and accelerated end to lockdowns and the vaccine programme to get a significant boost, as most vaccines will be replaced by specials on local ales.”

What Mr Starmer is making of the move isn’t clear.

“Mr Johnson has the brightest and the best in his cabinet. Adding Mr Humphris as a SPAD can only improve governance. And once he’s swapped mobile numbers with Matt Hancock and texted him a smiley face emoji he’ll be exceptionally well rewarded for his efforts.”

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Boris Johnson offers to lead inquiry into his “failure to be honest”

NO TRUTH SERUM NEEDED : THE PRIME MINISTER IS SAID TO BE IN A HUNGOVER MOOD THIS MORNING, but that is in no way a hindrance to him performing the duties of his office. That’s because it’s mostly dressing up.

It’s further reported that he is ready to work cross party with opposition MPs to conduct the inquiry into his endless lying.

“He takes claims about a failure to be honest extremely seriously. It’s possible he has been honest once and he would like to identify exactly when that was. This will enable him to avoid repeating it.”

The most likely time period is thought to have been “over dinner” when he may have inadvertently admitted “he preferred the Claret to the Barolo”.

Whether or not the inquiry will focus on his serial bullshitting in the Houses of Parliament isn’t yet clear.

“We’re still working out the terms of the inquiry the PM will lead. It is clear it will be over a long lunch, potentially even and entire bacchanalian weekend at Chequers.”

There is thought to be some disquiet though that the largest party of opposition in English politics are choosing not to take part in the cross party initiative.

“That’s fine with the PM. Tories have ruled the country for the majority of its existence. This is because the other mob insist that people need to see them as the only saviour possible and refuse to openly cooperate with the splitters, regardless of how that’s worked for everyone in 2010, 2015, 2017, 2019 and now. Works for us. Be holier than thou. It allows Johnson untrammelled access to the levers of power.”

It’s unlikely that that paragraph will be included in any report.

“No chance. It was far too honest!”