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Downing Street replaces travel traffic light warning system with “Wishful thinking”

A TISSUE A TISSUE : 10 Downing Street has responded to mounting criticism today over its muddled thinking regarding pandemic travel by giving up thinking all together.

“It’s pointless to carry on with the facade,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, “after all the Prime Minister has already survived the dreaded virus and he’s now fully vaccinated. His dad and his most important backers are similarly safe. It’s really just the great unwashed who are at risk now. And there’s still plenty of them! Clearly if we import a variant, or create one at home, that can outwit the Great British AZ vaccine he’ll have to think again.”

Until that time comes the government has decided we can all just “have at it”. This is natural as an elimination strategy is only for countries who lack the business acumen to take proper advantage of a pandemic.

“You may as well travel now, while you can, before even more countries ban us from entry. And besides, millions of you need to immediately go overseas to cover for Tory MPs and donors checking up on their second homes on the Continent.”

Understandably Downing Street will add a little finesse to the updated advice before communicating it to the public.

“There is some disquiet in the cabinet. Our lax approach to the new rising case load of the Indian variant maybe seen as a way to ensure the current boom industry in dodgy PPE supply. Some are saying we keep the traffic light system that has been so successful at confusing the message, but just update the colours with phrases.”

The idea is to replace Green with “Make a meal of it”. Amber with “Wishful thinking” and Red with “Still go if we can make some money out of it”.

“Or maybe just roll three into one and call the whole thing ‘Wishful Thinking’. It’s served well enough so far. 150,000 dead and look at our polling!”

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Great British Railways to be operated by the Great British Rail Replacement Bus

MAKING THE TRAINS RUN ON TIME: In the frenzy over the rebranding of our national rail service, one point has been overlooked. Great British Railways will actually be operated by buses. 

The Great British Rail Replacement Bus is as much a part of the British psyche as crap food and holidays on a freezing windswept beach in pouring rain in August. We crave the disappointment, the misery and the expense. Post-Brexit Britain is finally getting back on track.

Meanwhile there’s all the existing rail infrastructure. There’s plenty of scrap iron rails and land to give to Tory donors to sell. It’s a platform for Great British Asset Stripping. 

The trains themselves will go back to the EU. European operators who own the rail franchises. It’s about time we ended their Free Movement over Our Railways. Don’t they know we invented trains? Thomas the Tank Engine will be spinning on his turntable. 

We true patriotic Great British People are sick of the EU meddling with Our Country. We are tired of their so-called efficiency, tired of cheap, fast, clean journeys. We crave being stuck in a cold, leaky compartment with unpredictable angry strangers. We want to be late arriving at our destination. We enjoy the lottery of finding the right train on the right platform at the right time. We yearn for the times when we halt in the middle of nowhere for no good reason, with no food, information, or toilets. 

The Great British Rail Replacement Bus Service will tick all the boxes. It only needs Great British Curly Sandwiches and Great British Fare Rises to complete the picture. 

The sides of the buses will provide advertising space. This will bring extra profit to the bus companies. Insiders expect the first bus to read “£350m for the NHS” and the rest to be covered with laughing emojis. 

Could transport be any more patriotic without sticking a Union Jack on the side of the trains?

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British farmers told to retrain as butlers for the McMansions that will be built on their boring farms

BOWING DOWN BEFORE YOUR BETTERS : Encouraging advice for British farmers today from Downing Street and former UKIP candidate George Useless.

“Farmers should not take all this chit chat about beefy great Brexit trade deals as a warning about their futures,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “They should see it as the exciting opportunity to choose between being bribed off cheaply into a depressed and obscure retirement, or a great chance to retrain. To upskill. To upcycle themselves for the great world of tomorrow.”

The opportunities for farmers are of course endless. Especially those who have always dreamed of going into domestic service.

“Butlers will be in demand once the farms are sold off and the food they used to produce replaced with cheap imports from the Pacific region. Someone has to open the doors of the McMansions that will be built for a select clique of international tax dodgers. Why not be a butler? Or a maid? Or a groom? Or a groundsman if you want to stay close to the soil. This would be best. We won’t be importing any low rent EU labour. The Russian, the Chinese, the American man who will be the lord of your manor will want the correct accent when he stays that one week a year in his whitewashed cash mansion. Dinner is served Sir. With a rustic tone. As he gazes over the rolling hills upon which cattle used to roam.”

But if someone feels they’re not cut out for domestic service there is another opportunity.

“Spitfire pilots. Farmers can retrain as Spitfire pilots. We will need a lot of WW2 re-enactments to keep the populace in the right mental box to make a success of Brexit.”

Take heart farmers. The Tories last had untrammelled power in the 80’s. They demolished the traditional industries of what is now the red wall back then and look at the voting patterns in the areas today! Why shouldn’t they just break down your farms and sell them off for parts? You’ll get to like it. In the future a new generation of Tories will come along and offer you some flags.

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All this tiresome Brexit BS could have been avoided by renaming ECJ “British Court of Justice” – Study

WE ARE A SECURE NATION : A deep dive study into Brexit and how it could have been prevented has released an interim report today to reveal the findings so far.

The study has been conducted by a world famous team at The University of Heads Hitting Walls. Lead researcher on the project Professor Exasperation agreed to talk to us and lay out what he and his team have discovered.

“Brexit is only a surface project. In terms of what is said about it by Brexiteers. Clearly the real agenda is a new age of feudalism with Great Britain as the epicentre. The only industry will be money laundering. Everything else will be imported and the people can starve, so long as they toil for their lords. But the serfs may not have voted marginally for that, even with the illegal overspends which ensured the ref result secure and democratic. So the Brexiters lied through their teeth and are still lying through their teeth today, and bafflingly the official opposition is still going along with it.”

At this point we had to interrupt the Professor and explain to him he was now Professor Boring. He apologised and got to the point.

“Look. It’s perfectly obvious. Brexit was won on slogans. On appeals to the emotion. On digging into and bigging up misremembered history bleeding into nostalgia for a time when 1% of Brits ruled half the world. Thus if the EU had been smarter they could just have swallowed the bitter pill of renaming the European Court of Justice to The British Court of Justice. That way the Brexit voting demographic in the British populace would have assumed they ruled Europe and everyone would have forgotten about it.”

That’s more like it.

“I blame Europe. They could have saved us from ourselves by just changing one single word. That’s because we’re exceptional.”

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ALL UK Food Banks to be renamed “Great British Food Banks” by order of Downing Street

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME : Exciting developments in the food charity sector today as the Prime Minister is rumoured to have personally intervened to cheer everyone up.

“The Prime Minister was enjoying foi gras, Bollie of course, lobster thermidor, veal, baby seal and a dessert of the pickled tears of orphans last night when it hit him square between the eyes,” a 10 Downing Street source said, and no they aren’t referring to a paternity test.

“Queuing at food banks would clearly be made more exciting if you could be guaranteed Dominic Raab would appear for a photoshoot while you waited your turn there with your reusable plastic bags. We can’t do that. But we can rename the uplifting outlets to something more patriotic. After all, what is more important than food for the soul?”

Clearly this is the way forward, especially in an era of increasing job insecurity and lower benefits.

“It really is a masterstroke. All British food banks will be renamed Great British Food Banks as soon as possible. Fluorescent signage. The lot. Even one of those inflatables that waves its arms about to attract attention. Union Flag pattern of course. The contract for the new store fronts will be handed out to a Tory donor to ensure action is taken as fast as is humanely possible.”

Critics have suggested with the PM’s much trumpeted plan to “level back better” the food banks will soon be obsolete and the new signage not required. We put this to Downing Street and they laughed so hard we feared someone would get injured.

“Remember, when you’re laying in the gutter you have to look to the stars. They hover over Great British Food Banks and twinkle like a patriot’s famine wracked eyes.”

Take a bow Global Britain. Sorry. That should be Great Global Britain. You’re about to host the G7 and you’ve MPs who pose for photos at Great British Food Banks.

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Tories eyeing up England’s green and pleasant profit opportunities

BRING ME MY CHARIOT OF FIRE: Well-connected chums of the Tories running Britain for personal profit have spotted an opportunity. Since British farming is to be sacrificed in the name of Australian mass-produced boeuf à la hormone, there will soon be an abundance of green and pleasant land.

And all these expanses of soon-to-be vacant real estate comprise a business opportunity beyond compare. Buy up redundant farms at a knock-down price. Cover with houses. Sell for a massive profit. Hang on to a handful to provide a bit of pocket money. Sorted.

LCD Views’ Green Belt? What Green Belt? correspondent, investigated.

Typical of the type of developer is Jerry Bildt-Holmes. A wealthy Tory donor, he has allegedly already been promised large tracts of Wiltshire. “It’s a fantastic opportunity,” said Bildt-Holmes. “This is once in a lifetime. My companies are well placed to take advantage of this new availability, and we can sell it to the public as a way of solving Britain’s housing shortage!”

Is this building Jerusalem, or dark satanic mills?

“That makes absolutely no sense to me,” replied a confused Bildt-Holmes. “All I know is that the arrows of my desire will shortly be finding their mark.”

And how come you have – allegedly – been promised such a large amount of the countryside?

“Chap I know told me about it,” he answered. “Matt somebody. He’s pretty high up. Sold me a hospital the other day. Another absolute steal!”

And the price was right, I take it?

“It was a massive bargain!” crowed Bildt-Holmes. “And Matt knocked 75% off the price after I bunged the Conservative Party fifty grand.”

This must be what the Countenance Divine shining forth on our clouded hills must mean. Sunlit uplands indeed.

Those feet in ancient time may have walked upon England’s mountains green, but not for much longer. We will jerry-build juicy profit making on England’s green and pleasant land.

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Man’s lifelong mission to ruin everything he touches going “better than expected”

IT COMES NATURALLY : A British-American man has spoken today of the great “lengths and strides” he is going to to fulfil his destructive potential.

The list of damage is now so impressive it is accurately described as “world beating” especially in the areas of national reputation and heft, trade and avoidable pandemic death count.

The man has not been described by friends, as he doesn’t really have any, but close witnesses have said he has “A reverse Midas touch that just instantly turns anything he touches into shit and destroys the dreams of anyone in the vicinity,” although clearly the actual Midas touch would serve just as well for his purposes.

But defenders of the man have said he is actually a top secret, British military weapon of mass destruction in the “advanced testing phase”.

It is to be hoped this is the case, given he clearly has country destroying potential once a target is acquired.

“The only problem with this long running field test is that we accidentally aimed the weapon at ourselves instead of a dummy target. Which we admit was pretty stupid.”

In their defence they do offer the following justification.

”The BoRiS Weapon is so outlandish and unrefined it never occurred to us that any healthy political system would not have intervened early and hit the self detonation switch. We did build that in as a fail safe for the test phase. The weapon actually keeps hitting it itself, but onlookers just cheer and think how funny he is.”

And the only target the weapon is so far unable to destroy is the Tory Party, who just keep cashing the cheques exploding from the epicentre of national disaster.

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PM planning to build “BBQ bridge to Oz!” so next Suez Canal blockage won’t stop meat exports to Blighty!

THROW ANOTHER BRITISH SECTOR ON THE BARBIE : THE PRIME MINISTER Boris Johnson is now completely insane and to prove it he has announced plans to build an actual bridge from Dover to Australia.

“We’re not sure exactly where in Australia the bridge will terminate,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “That’s because they haven’t agreed to it. But little details like that aren’t something to stop a man like Boris announcing a giant infrastructure project. You just have to believe.”

Belief is clearly not a problem for Britain’s most upbeat PM since the Napoleonic Wars. It is rumoured he has already allocated several billion to the feasibility studies.

“The bridge will ensure that any future blockages in the Suez Canal will not stop Brits barbecuing this summer,” the source adds. “Lesser countries may see their live sheep and cattle imports stuck in some environmental nightmare in a watery Egyptian ditch, but not Brexit Britain! Our imports will just walk right over the top with gleeful shepherds and happy working dogs laughing at the mess down below.”

The decision to agree to import meat from Oz, and thus ruining British businesses in the process, is seen as the next stage of the Brexit project.

“We’ve shafted the city of London. We’ve shafted the fishermen. Now it’s time to give the farmers a proper seeing to!”

But not everyone is pleased. Some have pointed out that forgoing imports a few miles away across the Channel in favour of lesser quality meat from the Antipodes doesn’t exactly bolster the PM’s environmental credentials.

“That’s where you’ve gone wrong,” the source corrects, “you’re assuming he gives a flying toss about having any. Muppet.”

The shade thrown down by the bridge was also initially thought to be an issue for the people it will pass over until a decision was made to paint the underbelly in Union Flag colours.

“Rain, hail or shine you can’t stop Brits barbecuing. And with billions going out the door in feasibility studies alone this is a giant boost to the only actual outcome that is important to modern Conservatives. That of emptying the public purse into their pockets.”

Throw another UK sector on the barbie? Yes please. And crack another can while you’re at it!

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Boris Johnson to summon massive asteroid strike into Home Counties because “I can”

LOVE ME LOVE ME SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME : The UK’s Prime Minister Alexander lots of words Johnson is now firmly established as world beating in many sectors. He’s beaten the country with a pandemic. He’s beaten the rights of ordinary people by removing freedom of movement. He’s beaten the fishing industry. He’s now beating up farming. He’s trashed the sanctity of marriage and the responsibility of the parent to raise children in a secure family environment. He’s beaten the economy. He’s allowed Patel to beat up the ministerial code until it is bloodied and senseless. He’s tortured the idea of language as a means of clear communication. The list is long and it goes on and on. Now he needs a new challenge.

“He’s on a personal mission to see how far he can push the envelope,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “Daily the envelope grows fatter and daily the effort needed to push it more intense. It’s why he is so popular. People can’t believe he’s so magnificent.”

The one drawback appears to be finding new challenges. Finding new ways to screw an entire country over and remain popular. But he’s up to it.

“Thanks to Brexit the UK will now become a technological and innovation superstar. Take that Brussels! We’re now investing billions into a giant magnetic that can drag asteroids out of orbit and fling them wherever we like. It’s very impressive. It’s the next chapter in the story of Boris.”

And where will the first asteroid captured be flung?

“Straight into our own faces. Where else?! Who needs a Manchurian Candidate when you’ve got Boris being Boris.”

The asteroid’s first target will be the Home Counties.

“Probably Kent. Their support for Brexit makes them the best target to see how deep is the love for Boris. How far can he push it to fill the unquenchable need for validation he’s carried since childhood.”

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George Eustice to advise British farmers to retrain as fishermen

SOWING AND WEEPING : Humans need certainty and British farmers are humans. Happily for them the UK government has realised this and acted on the responsibility to provide them with certainty in the post-Brexit period.

“We’re going to make them unemployed,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “George Useless is on the case. We didn’t recruit him from UKIP because he was a genius. It’s clear also that humans need a narrative, so we’ll be providing one of those also. It will change daily. You can be certain of it.”

But it’s not all sowing and weeping for the UK’s agricultural sector as George and the other brainiacs are full of helpful suggestions of paths forward through the tangled thickets of Brexit.

“They can retrain as fishermen. Similar sort of occupation. Earthy. Out in the wind and rain. Enjoying the cool breezes under the blazing sun. Still working with their hands. Still putting food on the table. Or if they want a radical change they can retrain as ballerinas. Fatima has left dance to become a coding whiz. Plenty of openings in the theatres. And thanks to our mismanagement of the pandemic, plenty of closings too. Ripe for regrowth. It’s all been taken care of.”

It’s also clear that what is also being taken care of, daily, is Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s weird and intensely corrosive drive to destroy anyone who put faith in him.

“At least now we can claim a win for Brexit. We have taken our newly recovered sovereignty as a free trading nation off the coast of the failing EU superstate, converted it into a pistol and shot our farmers in both feet. That’s a Brexiters way of saying thank you.”