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Boris and Carrie cleared of redecorating with gold wallpaper after analysis reveals it is fool’s gold

SOLID IRON PYRITE : Relief in No’s 10 and 11 Downing Street today after the PM and his current partner were cleared of redecorating the place in gold wallpaper.

For several days now the massive scale of pandemic death, and the associated untendered contracts, have been kept off the front pages by fevered speculation as to who paid for the refurbishment of the squalid little flat our rulers were expected to dwell in?

So too the collapse in the fishing and farming sectors. Also the fact Mr Johnson’s Brexit Deal has destabilised Northern Ireland, putting a very hard won peace at risk just for his fleeting self-advancement.

Thankfully now the questions about the refurb can be ignored. It’s time to move on.

“It clearly doesn’t matter who paid for the refurb if all the materials are knock-offs,” a Downing Street source commented, certain to be mirrored by opinion formers at The Telegraph.

“The real victims here are the prime minister and the spotless much younger woman he left his cancer stricken wife and their children for. It’s a test of their characters how they’ve coped with the shameful jibes about egregious spending in a time when millions face food poverty.”

The discovery that the wallpaper is fool’s gold will also bring a smile to close watchers of the power couple.

“It neatly symbolises the pair of them. Clutching for status and thinking they’ve attained it when really they’ve been on a fool’s errand. We just don’t really now who sent them on it.”

Presumably the lingering queries over who paid for their holiday to Mustique last year, just as the pandemic was starting to rip, can also be resolved by the revelation they actually holidayed in a bedsit in Thanet with Nigel Farage.

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Boris Johnson to donate spare £850 roll of wallpaper to food bank

A GENEROUS ORGAN : The UK’s most popular serving Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to make a move today that will see his enduring popularity rise even further.

The public have watched and swooned over recent days as details of the stylish and modest makeover of the No. 11 Downing Street flat have spread through the media and social media like the clap. Now the People’s Prime Minister is to take full advantage of the fever.

“We’re choosing a food bank via lottery,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The prime minister will take the spare roll of £850 wallpaper to the winner and donate it. You never know, next time you pop down for some own brand pasta you may come home a winner!”

While one lucky family is sure to find themselves beaming this afternoon, not everyone is thrilled.

“What about the glue, bucket and brush needed to apply the wallpaper to the wall? If you’re renting, can you even use it? Wouldn’t food be better? Or even a reversal in the decades long series of disastrous policies that have seen the food bank sector balloon shamefully?” Frank4378 asked on Twitter, before being arrested.

It’s not clear if Mr Johnson’s current handler will accompany him, or if the casting agency concerned have the time to arrange for the prop dog to be there too, but that shouldn’t dampen your interest.

“The handing over ceremony will be live streamed,” the source adds. “The PM will be wearing his new clothes and he’s going to shake hands with everyone in the food bank, quote a bit of Ancient Greek before walking into a cupboard trying to leave. It will be classic Boris.”

There are rumours that the lottery will also be streamed as Mr Johnson reaches into the hat to pull out the name of the lucky food bank.

“It’s an exceptionally large hat! Clown size. So many names to include. But I can give you a scoop. The winning food bank will be in Jenrick’s constituency as he’s been asked to organise the lottery.”

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Questions asked over who paid PM to refurbish the United Kingdom as Little England

IMPERIAL NOSTALGIA FREAKS DAYDREAM : It’s not just who paid for the remake of No. 11 Downing Street that is in people’s minds tonight but the bigger question of what happened to the United Kingdom overall.

“In 2012 the UK had some trouble brewing, largely because it had elected a bunch of posh voiced chancers to run it again, but overall it was still a country that could stage the Olympics and present a proud picture to the world,” our Petri Dish specialist observes. “Now? It’s a total shitshow. What happened? Who paid for it to happen?”

Many have their theories, the most likely of which being it was paid for by an international clique of libertarian, neo-fascist, kleptocratic, feudally minded sociopaths who saw converting the UK into a solely money laundering operation as quite the laugh.

“Clearly they had to get the UK out of the EU first. The EU. So boring. So committed to enfranchising people at birth with rights. Yawn. Happily for the clique there was a divine coming together of Lexiters and Brexiters to get that Brexit done. The majority of the rest of the political class just stood about dumbfounded trusting common sense to return. Good luck with that!”

But now though as the pandemic focuses minds the fog that has covered the land since June 2016 is slowly starting to tear apart. It reveals a much diminished country at risk of completely tearing itself to shreds.

“Who paid for it? Someone did. Maybe the same person who paid for No. 11 Downing Street to resemble an old world Ottoman harem?”

Who knows? Someone knows. It would be good to know. Maybe the BBC could find out if the prime minister knows? Whoever that will be by next week.

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Johnson to focus on pandemic today by phoning cabinet to ask if they’re “with me or Gove?”

WHEN SHITBERGS COLLIDE : THE PRIME MINISTER is to clear the decks of all tasks today except for the pandemic and focus solely on that.

He will do this by phoning each and every cabinet minister to ask if they’re “with me or Gove”. It’s understood the actual phrasing will employ significantly more obscenities and scatological references than we are at liberty to employ.

It’s likely he will start with the most senior members first, ones who have compromised themselves significantly during the world beating fight to make the pandemic in the UK go tantric. Emotive phrases will be used such as “if I go down you’re coming with me” and “I made you and I can break you.”

There will clearly be a pause for lunch. It will begin at 11:30am and is expected to conclude around 3pm, once all the claret has been drunk. After that he will return to focusing on the pandemic by phoning more junior members and launching scathing attacks on their loyalty.

What Mr Gove will be doing at the same time isn’t entirely clear as he is alleged to have done most of his work during the recent weeks when he was MIA.

“If you’re going to shoot the king, don’t miss” is thought to be an adage that Mr Gove employed fully in the weeks leading up to the attempts to dethrone Mr Johnson. Although given Mr Gove is a serial loser when it actually comes time to seize power, it’s thought Mr Hunt, Ms Patel, Mr Hancock, Mr Raab and others will be pledging their support to him while also pondering how they will redecorate the No 11 flat back from bordello.

One thing we can all hope is that in the Tory leadership contest to come that Matt Hancock tries again and revises his famous line about not supporting the prorogation of parliament in the service of Brexit as that would go against “everything those men fought and died for on those beaches”. He famously did exactly that and it proves he has the calibre to lead the modern Conservative Party.

Good luck to all contenders, it’s only the country that is paying for your serial shithousery. Hoograh!

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To heal the country Boris and Carrie must now borrow the money to refurbish Chequers

The ‘woke’ will not like it, which is reason enough for any action, be it starting a land war in Asia or choosing new curtains. The Prime Minister, and the woman he’s currently engaged to, choosing new curtains would be an excellent next step in the culture war. Open a new front and see what appetite the straggly, dirty, lentil eating bunny huggers have for a real fight.

But where to begin this next push forward into the No Man’s Land of historical revisionism? We suggest Chequers, the 16th century manor house that began life as a humble brothel and after a series of refurbishments was enlarged into a harem. This is the Prime Minister’s natural abode.

Clearly a refurbishment of this scale is well beyond the meagre budget of a simple public servant. The Prime Minister and his current companion will have to seek financial assistance. Here they can simply phone any friend who may need a favour. Quid pro quo Clarice.

We would suggest they call Lex Greensill. If he is not able to supply the loan then any relative of Matt Hancock will have sufficient spare money in the bank. The loan must be interest free though, as this is in the service of the great British public.

It will be an opportunity to put the wind up Ms Sturgeon also. The PM can hire Scottish carpenters, Welsh tilers, Cornish shoplifters (to install the gift shop) and Northern Ireland electricians. See how the woke like that!

Once the refurbishment is complete the Prime Minister, and whoever he is shagging by then, should welcome in a magazine like ‘Hello’. Do a great reveal spread. The public will easily forget the pile of pandemic bodies once their minds are dazzled by wallpaper so esoteric you need a month alone in a mountain cave just to understand it.

If the PM won’t put the public interest first then who will? Refurbish Chequers and let the nation move forward, neatly skirting around the pile of dead with their eyes averted.

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Downing Street : Public inquiry into pandemic to be held via referendum

STRONG AND STABLE INFECTION RATE : Downing Street have bowed to pressure today to hold a public inquiry into the catastrophic extent of the pandemic in the United Kingdom.

Reassuringly, everyone registered to vote can take part as the powers that be take the view the country has still had enough of experts. The inquiry will take the tried and tested form used to solve complex problems in our Great and world beating country. It will be a referendum, just like the EUref one.

“It’s going to be a referendum yes. A once in a generation decision that will settle things for decades to come in an amicable way,” a Downing Street source confirms to LCD Views. “This way it can be held in a day and the country can move forward.”

Curiously though, a leak from Whitehall suggests the ballot paper only offers two choices and both of them are the prime minister.

“Some critics have said we should have placed an order of preference on the ballot paper. Boris Johnson, Rishi Sunak, Matt Hancock etc. Oh and other members of government such as Tim Martin, Rupert Murdoch, the PM’s mistress, Dominic Cummings and the last Labour government. We do see merit in that, as governance is a collective act. But, we believe it will be simpler for everyone to move forward if it’s solely blamed on Boris Johnson. The buck stops at the top after all.”

No date has yet been set for the inquiry to be held. Reports suggest though it will be five minutes after Boris Johnson has been driven from government and the results announced by Michael Gove.

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Why possessing only one testicle is better than being neutered by Brussels

“In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.” In the same way, in the age of the emasculated EU, the unotesticular must take command.

The Woke Brigade won’t like this, but it is undeniably true. Back in 1940, this country had balls. It single-handedly defeated a man in possession of only one ball. In the modern era, the bureaucratic nightmare that is Brussels has decreed that we must follow the example of Goebbels, and have no balls at all. In this instance the nation with a single sphere is automatically superior.

It is time that England exerted its singular advantage. We may have had our wings clipped over the years, we may be somewhat less potent than we once were, but even so we have the means to rule the EUnuch EU.

What is to blame for this feeble-mindedness? The weedy Woke movement is only a symptom. The blame lies squarely at the feet of women, who seek to achieve equality by removing the very symbols of our masculinity. We have no gonads, they argue, so neither should men. They had us by the balls, and, like hen-pecked husbands, we submitted in timorous fashion.

But not so England. True, we were part of the EU for a long time, but the Woke libbers only maintained half a grip on our Sovereignty. Now that we have broken free, albeit at great cost, we must rise up and assert the Natural Order of Things. We must restore the world in which Ursula von der Leyen and Michelle Barnier would be back in the kitchen, and would get dinner on the table at six o’clock sharp every single day.

This namby-pamby bowing and scraping to equality and rights has gone far enough. It’s time to gird what’s left of our loins, stand up tall and proud, and have a ball.

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It’s time to bring back the British pint and show Brussels an undeniable Brexit bonus

Victory was attained by a United Kingdom against fascism in Europe on the 8th May 1945, 20th July 1966, and most recently the 31st January 2020 when Mr Johnson wisely “Got Brexit Done” so he could focus all his energies on his relationship.

It has been a rollercoaster ride of national renewal since that date. The Union Flag now spontaneously appears before national buildings and in the living rooms of the pious, as if taking inspiration from the Mother of God herself.

The leading lights of Mr Johnson’s cabinet have daily showered themselves in gold. No less a superpower than Matt Hancock has produced a ‘Care’ badge for the NHS. Liz Truss has travelled the world in classic British defiance of the pandemic, while lesser mortals cowered at home. Mr Jenrick has overseen a housing boom and Mr Johnson himself has timed lockdowns to perfection.

Where to next you ask?

We have the answer.

It’s time to really put a finger in the stodgy eye of Brussels. It’s time to bring back the great British pint! For while we have nothing but praise for the strong and stable leadership of Mr Johnson and his handpicked crew of Ukippers, there is just this one little strand of Brussels red tape that casts its shadow still across our green and pleasant land.

We at UnoTesticular/The Facilitator call on the Prime Minister to immediately repeal the law from Brussels that outlawed serving beer, ale and ciders in pints. Let’s see how they like that! A taste of the power of a fully sovereign, trading nation right on their doorstep. We say no more beer served in volumes of 568.261ml. We demand our pints!

You can be guaranteed the French won’t take it on the chin. Berlin will go into a spin. The Spanish will beg for relief and the Italians will be dumbfounded.

The Prime Minister should go a step further too with his legislation and make it illegal to drink wine in anything but pint glasses from now on. The ‘woke’ will hate it, and that’s reason enough on its alone.

Bring back the British pint! It’s one of the many Brexit benefits that the great British people (in their collective wisdom) voted for!

Once we have our pints back we can then take the next step to shed all of the hangover of EU membership and return to driving on the left hand side of the road.

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Statue of Dominic Cummings installed at Traitor’s Gate

ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL AND IN THE DARKNESS BIND THEM : The UK’s outgoing Prime Minister Boris Johnson has given what may prove to be one of his last executive orders.

The diktat focuses on his former advisor Dominic Cummings and is aimed at leaving a fitting tribute to the super-genius-super-forecaster.

“Mr Johnson has ordered a statue of Dom installed at Traitor’s Gate,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He’s designed it himself, with just a little bit of help from Carrie.”

The decision to place the statue at Traitor’s Gate, Tower of London, is not thought in anyway to be a subtle message as to the PM’s current feelings towards a man he famously had a long running public bromance with.

“It’s just because the location is so prominent. He wanted to install the statue next to Winston Churchill, but Priti Patel was too busy jamming the area with police and the workmen couldn’t get through. So the Tower was the next obvious location of choice.”

An unveiling ceremony is due to take place later today but we have seen advance images of the statue and can confirm that it is incredibly lifelike. If you were to chance upon it you would think you were in the presence of the man himself.

“Mr Johnson is going to cut the ribbon at the ceremony later today personally,” the source confirms. “After which he intends to smash an entire crate of Bollinger against it to signify the depths of his admiration for all of Dom’s achievements.”

What Mr Cummings thinks of the statue isn’t yet known, although presumably we will soon be able to read about it in a 2011 blog.

“There really should be a statue of Mr Johnson standing alongside it,” the source adds. “For every world beating thing they did for the country they did together.”

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Jeremy Corbyn and Jo Swinson offer to lead government of national unity

SECOND CHANCE SALOON : It’s clear governance of the United Kingdom is now at a parlous state and something must be done, happily help is at hand.

Rumours inside the Westminster bubble suggest that later this afternoon two old political rivals, Jeremy Corbyn and Jo Swinsom, will hold a joint press conference with an offer too good to refuse.

“They’re going to offer to lead jointly a government of national unity,” a source inside the latest UK political coalition told LCD Views. “It’s believed they have reflected on the complete balls-up they both made in 2019 when they jointly scuppered the prospect of a GNU. They want to make amends.”

It is unclear who first proposed the power coupling, but leaks suggest that it was Mr Corbyn who reached out, as now that Brexit is done he is at something of a loose end.

“It’s neatly ignored how one of Mr Corbyn’s only attempts to push forward legislation during his forty years in the House of Commons was a proposal for an IN/OUT EUref early on in David Cameron’s time as PM. He did this working with other Lexit MPs and notable names on the Conservative benches. If you don’t like it, just look it up, it’s there in the parliamentary record.”

As to Ms Swinson, it’s believed she sees a chance to make amends too for what was an impressively hubristic and shortsighted time as leader of the Liberal Democrats.

It’s not obvious how the UK political landscape will respond to the offer, although it is obvious to all that had Mr Corbyn’s sense of entitlement and Ms Swinson’s political idiocy not joined in a disastrous alignment in 2019 to end the chances of a GNU the UK may well be in a much better place today.

“Corbyn must have known the Tories would never have supported him as PM of a GNU and to back a more unifying Labour MP for the job. Likewise Swinson should have called Corbyn’s bluff so he had to get out of the way. As it was, here we are today, writing this article to get a nagging sense of frustration out of our system.”