LCD Views

WALLPAPER MUST MATCH SOFA SOFA MUST MATCH HATSTAND : The United Kingdom’s Prime Minister has been confirmed as a dedicated family man after a study.

The study focused on the relative value he placed on negotiating his final Brexit deal versus how much time he spent choosing new wallpaper with his current partner for the flat refurbishment.

“They spent weeks debating whether to ironically choose new wallpaper featuring Fleur-de-lis or just use hand pressed sheets of gold so everyone else knows they’re a pleb?” the study reveals.

The value and time given to the refurbishment cements the PM’s reputation as a focused family man and dispels suggestions his serial infidelity says something else.

“Just imagine if he’d spent weeks focused on ensuring he got a Brexit deal that protected fishing and ensured stability in Northern Ireland?” the authors ask, searchingly. “Carrie would have been left there forlorn with shabby John Lewis peasant pattern sofas and walls you don’t need sunglasses to gaze at. It would have sent a terrible message about the value he placed on family life. Which the unknown number of children he’s fathered with an unknown number of women definitely does not.”

The report also states that the offhand way he negotiated Brexit also helped ensure his status as a global powerbroker.

“He really showed the EU up. They were left standing about hair pulling feeling completely impotent as he would barely give them the time of day. Which is only right and proper when you’re spending hundreds of thousands of pounds of anonymous donor money on cushions.”

The final nail was of course giving Parliament one day to consider and vote on the Brexit deal.

“Showed them up for the shower they are. Classic Boris. He clicked his heels, raised a flat hand high and hundreds of elected representatives just bowed under and held their sacred responsibilities in complete contempt. The Mother of Parliaments, what are you like? Maybe call in Lulu Lytle and get help papering over the Democratic cracks?”

DRY DRY DOCK : The United Kingdom’s Prime Minister is said to be “so furious he’s turned to drink” after the SHOCK discovery Norway has sovereignty over its coastal waters.

The surprising revelation comes after the Norwegian government BETRAYED Downing Street by refusing to just give it what it wanted.

”It’s a complete slap in the face with a wet fish,” a Drowning Street source told LCD Views. “Who knew? Why did no one mention it before? Is it even possible to be in the EU’s orbit and make decisions about your own waters? We didn’t think that was possible since the EU forced us to stop flushing turds into ours all those years ago.”

How the Norwegians did it will need working out fast as the promise of boom times for fishermen was one of the propaganda levers pulled to get Brexit.

“No one has told Liz Truss yet. She is operating on the basis that as we’re now a fully independent, sovereign trading nation everyone has to give us exactly what we want. The Norwegians are endangering our entire global trade policy.”

How the Norwegians found the bottle to say no to the U.K. government will also be under focus. We want their fish, they have to give us their fish, so we can sell their fish to ourselves. Anything else just isn’t British.

“David Davis has apparently googled the PM’s phone number and Whatsapp’d him to suggest getting the German carmakers on the case. That’s a good start but we may need to go further. We’re going to need to drive a big red bus around Norway to convince them that we have sovereignty over their waters.”

The one likely first move is to have Lord Frost tell struggling British fishermen that we’re sovereign equals to the entire EU. They can rest assured the EU will crack and tell Norway what to do.

“It’s a double blow for Boris. He was supposed to be spending today signing off on photographed images of him and Carrie shopping in John Lewis.”

British fishermen need not worry too much though as they can always “retrain for a career in cyber. Or perhaps become ballerinas.”

The lies on the bus go round and round until sooner or later they hit you square in the fully sovereign face.

HOOK, LINE AND SINKER: International Trade supremo Liz Truss has secured an outstanding victory. Never mind the Aussie Rules Brexit, Truss has secured a Norway-style fishing deal.

Truss can now add Fish to her CV. It joins Pork and Cheese to create a mouthwatering Surf ‘n’ Turf in a basket case. Eat your heart out, Tim Wetherspoons.

Taking Back Control is a key part of any post-Brexit deal. It’s an all or nothing scenario. Compromise is seen as weakness. Our Liz never compromises. The deal is 100% clear. If Norway won’t give us exactly what we want, we walk away. Which is what Liz did.

“This establishes the strength of Global Britain,” explained globalist Villa Jiddiott. “We only accept a deal on our terms. Anything less is unacceptable. No deal is a great deal for Britain!”

Unfortunately Jiddiott hasn’t realised that no deal means no fish.

“No fish, no problem!” was Jiddiott’s response. “We just buy them. No need to incur the expense of a massive hi-tech trawler and experienced fishermen. Let Norway take all the risks, and we will just roll in at the end and take what we want!”

At a price. Norway will charge what it likes because it knows that we want the fish, but don’t catch our own.

“Nonsense, nonsense,” said Jiddiott. “It’s basic economics. Norway will be desperate to offload all that cod they don’t want on to us.”

If they don’t want it, they won’t catch it. We have no control here.

Jiddiott pretended not to hear. “It doesn’t matter,” she said. “Let them eat langoustines! And if money gets tight, just call the PM and ask for a PPE contract.”

Liz Truss, meanwhile, is celebrating with a pork supper (the chip shop had run out of fish). Another victory for Brexit Britain!

And remember, a Norway-style deal means the square root of bugger all.

MONUMENT TO FAILURE : WELCOME news today that the location of the long awaited Brexit Museum has been chosen, and it’s a prime location.

“We don’t even need to hold a referendum to decide,” a breathless No 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “Apart from the fisherman’s fraud Farage who else did the heavy lifting to deliver Brexit?”

We all know the answer to that. At least in terms of front men, the shady money sources behind the scenes are still largely in the shadows. It was none other than the Prime Minister Boris Johnson himself!

“And which power couple best exemplify Brexit? Boris and Carrie. When their time in office comes up they would like it if the No 11 flat they have modestly refurbished is left untouched. That will show the elites! A real finger in their eye!”

While some would say the official residence of the Prime Minister and his handler should remain just that, it’s likely that once Mr Johnson and his wrangler depart the street the next PM maybe happy to not set foot into No. 11. Who wants to inhale all those lies? All that betrayal? Or that disastrous exceptionalism? You’d need a hazmat suit.

“Just the wallpaper alone? Crikey. You’d need those sort of dark shades used to watch nuclear bomb tests. Best to rope it off and peer in swiftly from a distance between your fingers.”

And there will be a cherry on the cake too.

“Mr Johnson is said to have arranged for a mysterious donor to pay for the Big Red Brexit Bus to be lowered on top of the flat roof by crane. It will be a lovely landmark for people visiting the post-dystopia hellscape of Brexitannia.”