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PM planning to build “BBQ bridge to Oz!” so next Suez Canal blockage won’t stop meat exports to Blighty!

THROW ANOTHER BRITISH SECTOR ON THE BARBIE : THE PRIME MINISTER Boris Johnson is now completely insane and to prove it he has announced plans to build an actual bridge from Dover to Australia.

“We’re not sure exactly where in Australia the bridge will terminate,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “That’s because they haven’t agreed to it. But little details like that aren’t something to stop a man like Boris announcing a giant infrastructure project. You just have to believe.”

Belief is clearly not a problem for Britain’s most upbeat PM since the Napoleonic Wars. It is rumoured he has already allocated several billion to the feasibility studies.

“The bridge will ensure that any future blockages in the Suez Canal will not stop Brits barbecuing this summer,” the source adds. “Lesser countries may see their live sheep and cattle imports stuck in some environmental nightmare in a watery Egyptian ditch, but not Brexit Britain! Our imports will just walk right over the top with gleeful shepherds and happy working dogs laughing at the mess down below.”

The decision to agree to import meat from Oz, and thus ruining British businesses in the process, is seen as the next stage of the Brexit project.

“We’ve shafted the city of London. We’ve shafted the fishermen. Now it’s time to give the farmers a proper seeing to!”

But not everyone is pleased. Some have pointed out that forgoing imports a few miles away across the Channel in favour of lesser quality meat from the Antipodes doesn’t exactly bolster the PM’s environmental credentials.

“That’s where you’ve gone wrong,” the source corrects, “you’re assuming he gives a flying toss about having any. Muppet.”

The shade thrown down by the bridge was also initially thought to be an issue for the people it will pass over until a decision was made to paint the underbelly in Union Flag colours.

“Rain, hail or shine you can’t stop Brits barbecuing. And with billions going out the door in feasibility studies alone this is a giant boost to the only actual outcome that is important to modern Conservatives. That of emptying the public purse into their pockets.”

Throw another UK sector on the barbie? Yes please. And crack another can while you’re at it!

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Boris Johnson to summon massive asteroid strike into Home Counties because “I can”

LOVE ME LOVE ME SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME : The UK’s Prime Minister Alexander lots of words Johnson is now firmly established as world beating in many sectors. He’s beaten the country with a pandemic. He’s beaten the rights of ordinary people by removing freedom of movement. He’s beaten the fishing industry. He’s now beating up farming. He’s trashed the sanctity of marriage and the responsibility of the parent to raise children in a secure family environment. He’s beaten the economy. He’s allowed Patel to beat up the ministerial code until it is bloodied and senseless. He’s tortured the idea of language as a means of clear communication. The list is long and it goes on and on. Now he needs a new challenge.

“He’s on a personal mission to see how far he can push the envelope,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “Daily the envelope grows fatter and daily the effort needed to push it more intense. It’s why he is so popular. People can’t believe he’s so magnificent.”

The one drawback appears to be finding new challenges. Finding new ways to screw an entire country over and remain popular. But he’s up to it.

“Thanks to Brexit the UK will now become a technological and innovation superstar. Take that Brussels! We’re now investing billions into a giant magnetic that can drag asteroids out of orbit and fling them wherever we like. It’s very impressive. It’s the next chapter in the story of Boris.”

And where will the first asteroid captured be flung?

“Straight into our own faces. Where else?! Who needs a Manchurian Candidate when you’ve got Boris being Boris.”

The asteroid’s first target will be the Home Counties.

“Probably Kent. Their support for Brexit makes them the best target to see how deep is the love for Boris. How far can he push it to fill the unquenchable need for validation he’s carried since childhood.”

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George Eustice to advise British farmers to retrain as fishermen

SOWING AND WEEPING : Humans need certainty and British farmers are humans. Happily for them the UK government has realised this and acted on the responsibility to provide them with certainty in the post-Brexit period.

“We’re going to make them unemployed,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “George Useless is on the case. We didn’t recruit him from UKIP because he was a genius. It’s clear also that humans need a narrative, so we’ll be providing one of those also. It will change daily. You can be certain of it.”

But it’s not all sowing and weeping for the UK’s agricultural sector as George and the other brainiacs are full of helpful suggestions of paths forward through the tangled thickets of Brexit.

“They can retrain as fishermen. Similar sort of occupation. Earthy. Out in the wind and rain. Enjoying the cool breezes under the blazing sun. Still working with their hands. Still putting food on the table. Or if they want a radical change they can retrain as ballerinas. Fatima has left dance to become a coding whiz. Plenty of openings in the theatres. And thanks to our mismanagement of the pandemic, plenty of closings too. Ripe for regrowth. It’s all been taken care of.”

It’s also clear that what is also being taken care of, daily, is Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s weird and intensely corrosive drive to destroy anyone who put faith in him.

“At least now we can claim a win for Brexit. We have taken our newly recovered sovereignty as a free trading nation off the coast of the failing EU superstate, converted it into a pistol and shot our farmers in both feet. That’s a Brexiters way of saying thank you.”

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REVEALED : PM’s plan to throw farmers under Brexit bus to get Indian variant off headlines

ONE DAY AT A TIME : Great news for British farmers today as the government looks set to offer them the same long term security they have provided the fishing Industry.

“I can assure every producer of beef and lamb in the country that the prime minister’s massive overproduction of horse and bullshit will only augment the productivity of their green and pleasant pastures,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman will tell the sector later today.

“It is a simple matter of news cycle management. Mr Johnson delayed placing India on the red list until it was too late to keep the Indian variant out of the United Kingdom. The logic for this was fair play. He didn’t place Kent on any international travel lists late last year, as he was delaying lockdown and tens of thousands of people died. But he’s kept his job. This allows him now to sacrifice yours for news cycle management. He thanks you for your willingness to vote for the Conservative Party, in spite of all the glaring evidence over years that you’re essentially sacrificial lambs. But only when the time is right.”

The statement will be viewed as a relief by the UK’s meat producers who will soon have the opportunity to retrain as either “fishermen or ballerinas.” Although cyber should also be considered.

But critics of the PM’s decision to place short term political gain over the security of the UK’s food supply are concerned that one or two vital elements are missing from the deal Ms Truss has drafted.

“There must be a strict condition that all live imports of beef and sheep are wrapped in Union Flags. It’s about the optics. Bankrupt farmers UC applications must also be printed on Union Flag patterned paper. So long as everything appears patriotic we can do what we like with the populace. Just ask the Red Wall! Last time we were in power we demolished their economies and look at the voting patterns now. Ha!”

There are currently no plans for further photo shoots featuring the PM in rural landscapes.

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U.K. to accuse EU of hiding the benefits of Brexit from U.K. government

LIFT THE VEIL : Downing Street is in classic bullish mood today and ready to hit back at the churlish EU!

The fighting stance comes after a late night drinking session in which Bollinger was preferred by the Prime Minister and his guests over English sparkling wine. For the event the Prime Minister wore an ensemble that had been left in a Yorkshire hedge for a year. Shoes were supplied by an Italian artisan cobbler and reassuringly the left foot was worn on the right and vice versa.

“The Prime Minister even wore tails for the event. Donkey tails as that was closest to hand in the dressing up box.”

It is rumoured that at one point in the rousing event the tail came lose from the Prime Minister’s outfit and all had a very merry time chasing him around the £2.6m media room in an attempt to pin it back on.

“Carrie eventually got the tail back on the old boy by laying a trap involving a vintage Playboy. We can’t disclose further details.”

But it wasn’t all matters of state and fizz, there was time for the usual party games.

“It was sometime around 2am that Lord Frost asked if they could play ‘What are we blaming on the EU today!’, which is a favoured part of any gathering at 10 Downing Street.”

Initially it was thought that blaming the spread of the Indian Variant to Yorkshire on Brussels would be a hoot. Although some were said to favour hanging the blame for the 14th century Black Death plagues on Macron.

“It was finally decided to take inspiration from Lord Frost’s commanding appearance before that boring select committee of meddling villeins yesterday and blame the EU for hiding the benefits of Brexit from the U.K.”

This is thought to make perfect sense as “the EU27 are the only ones enjoying any visible Brexit benefits. Which just goes to show the depths to which they will sink to undermine the swill of the British people.”

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Fears no Brexit benefits will ever be found after Dido Harding hired to track and trace them

NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT : Deep concern across the United Kingdom today that Dido Harding is suffering from overwork after she was rumoured to have been hired to track and trace the benefits of Brexit.

Fingers are even being pointed at the Prime Minister and questions asked over whether or not he should hire Ms Harding a bigger team of management consultants? While the UK Gov retains the capacity to print money it would be possible to print whatever is required. After all, those offshore bank accounts aren’t going to just fill themselves. It is a politically viable strategy in the short to medium term too, as local authority budgets can be further squeezed and they can levy greater local taxes to fill in any holes created by central government.

“It will be okay,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The Indian variant will soon be in all corners of the country and there will be no need to carry on looking for it, as it will be everywhere. Thus the crack team of bloodhounds can turn to locating Brexit benefits.”

In spite of Downing Street’s confident demeanour the tracking and tracing of Brexit benefits will not just be a domestic issue and will require international travel. This is surprisingly difficult in a pandemic, although government is said to be up to the task or risking it.

“Admittedly all the benefits of Brexit so far are international,” the source says, before shrugging. “Trillions in trading have left London for EU and US destinations. The fishing industry is stuffed, presumably to the advantage of the Scandinavians? Who knows. Someone will have to look into that. We can add it to Dido’s to do list. It will only need a budget increase of a few more billions to get the answers. Maybe.”

The one big advantage Ms Harding will have is that so far only Australia, New Zealand and a few other countries no one talks about have banned incoming travel from the UK. Thus she doesn’t need to look there. But for anyone concerned that Ms Harding may again come up with empty hands in spite of the money spent, Downing Street has a fall back position.

“We’ll just lie about it. If that doesn’t work we’ll blame the Europeans. It worked to get Brexit done, presumably if we just keep blagging we can make a success of it. We already drafted a press release claiming that British air is only oxygenated because of Brexit.”

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BREAKING : Lordships seen on sale at pound store after devaluation by Lord Frost

SUB PRIME PEERAGES : FANTASTIC opportunities for the country’s high street shoppers with the slashing of the cost of peerages. Neatly timed too with the reopening of “non-essential” retail.

The value of being a Lord or Lady has been tumbling for a while after Boris Johnson used the honour system to stuff the House of Lords with Brexiters requiring a payoff.

“Just making Goldsmith a peer and retaining him as a minister slashed the value by 10%. The people threw him out on his ear at a GE and before he had a chance to bounce Johnson had ennobled him and stuffed him into the Lords. Then there’s Fox. Another 10%. So on like this. But Lord Frost has basically turned peerages into something the equivalent of junk bonds.”

While for some this may seem to undermine the democratic legitimacy of the unelected upper house, for people looking for a way to cheer themselves up after a long lockdown winter it’s a golden opportunity.

“We’ve all got that member of the family, normally an ageing male, who wants a coat of arms to appear impressive to their peers. Well now you can just rock down to the local pound store and pick up a peerage. You can imagine how envious they’ll be when they have to call you Lord or Lady. Ha! Especially as they can’t be seen dead in the pound store themselves. Total stitch-up.”

Although some punters are said to be holding off buying their peerage even now and waiting to see what LORD Frost does next.

“If he carries on his current trajectory of agreeing deals with the EU, proclaiming them a British negotiating success and then about facing twenty four hours later to claim the EU is abusing the UK and he wants to renegotiate? Mate. You won’t be able to give a peerage away. This just proves that giving inadequate people high status so they’ll do whatever you ask them to is a boon for British shoppers.”

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Brits urged to discuss how they’ll spend next avoidable lockdown while at the pub

TWO PINTS OF LAGER AND A DOSE OF PLAGUE PLEASE : Great news today with the pubs refilling after months of closure. And it’s not just a great step forward for punters, it proves that Boris Johnson’s government is making a success of managing the pandemic. Ignore the naysayers and get the rounds in. The catastrophic bungling of the pandemic so far has the hospitality industry on its knees. You have to do your patriotic duty and save it.

“Clearly the spread of the Indian variant need not concern anyone,” a 10 Downing Street herd immunity advocate said. “Get stuck in! Just remember to maintain social distancing when you’re blathered.”

Whether or not the next stage in unlocking should have been delayed until the extent of spread of the new, more transmissible variant is understood is really only a subject of discussion for anyone paying attention.

“Look at the polling numbers! We’ve a country so gaslit now the government can get away with anything. 150,000 dead? What’s that? We gained council seats in the recent elections. It validates our management. It’s not fair to accuse us of being disinterested in detail. A hell of a lot of effort was put into print last year to undermine the sanctity of life. It’s only old people who are dying, so who really cares? Even old people were saying it. Managing the narrative is the first step, some time after that we get to the virus.”

Mercifully the tabloids are already setting out the stall of blame for any failure from central government. It will be the public’s fault. You can be sure of it.

“We don’t elect representatives to bore themselves senseless learning about risks to public health and mitigating them. We elect them in 21st century Britain to provide a VIP line for uncontested contracts. It’s a well oiled machine, just look at some of the chancers who’ve received multi-million pound PPE contracts.”

Hopefully the vaccine roll out will get in front of the virus and there won’t be a need for another national lockdown. If we’re lucky the avoidable fatalities that are now trickling through the morgues with the preventable spread of the Indian variant will stay at a level that is politically feasible for Mr Johnson and his government.

“We maybe out of the woods now. No one knows. Just be happy we didn’t keep you locked in for a relatively brief period last year like some other countries who pursued a policy of elimination. We have a lot more suspense in day to day life here.”

Just to be on the safe side though if you haven’t decided what path of self-improvement you’ll take in any future lockdown, while you’re raising a jar and tasting freedom in liquid form will be a good time to discuss it.

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Lord Frost to visit every U.K. household and look behind sofas for Brexit benefits

FROST IS ON THE WAY : The UK’s blazing comet of incompetence Lord Frost will be coming your way. Having failed to find any benefits to Brexit under the rock he crawled out from, in order to get a fancy title, he’s now widening his search.

“He’s going to walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more,” an aide to the lost Lord told LCD Views. “Well when I say walk, he’ll be chauffeur driven at public expense. But it amounts to the same thing in the end. He will get the job done.”

And the job needs doing, for in spite of getting Brexit done legally and ending the transition period in the middle of a pandemic, the land isn’t overflowing with Brexit benefits.

“Mostly it’s the churlish EU’s fault,” the aide clarified, “there’s a growing concern they’re intentionally hiding Brexit benefits from us. Which is a distinct possibility, given they seem to be the only ones enjoying any. They really should grow up and share.”

In the meantime, the Brexit front man will be ringing your doorbell.

“It’s possible you may have an unknown Brexit benefit behind your sofa. Even underneath it. It’s just as no one knows what they look like you haven’t been able to indentify it. Even when you drag it out with the hoover, before shoving it back under as too hard to deal with.”

Homeowners are asked to address Lord Frost by his full title when he darkens their doors too.

“He’s very particular about that. Agreeing to be the face of the national immolation in exchange for status was the reason he did it. Now you have to respect him. He’s a Lord. He’s got a piece of paper with it written on and everything. He’s no longer an inadequate. He’s a Lord. Did I mention he’s a Lord? He’s very pleased about it.”

Which is about the only way anyone has benefited from Brexit.

“Maybe if we made all the bankrupt fishermen lords they’d be okay with it? Just without the benefits.”

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Man screwing entire country advises you to “hug cautiously”

IRREVERSIBLE AS DEATH : Whatever you do today do it with feeling. If you’re planning on sitting inside a pub enjoying that long awaited pint breathe in the atmosphere, don’t be afraid. If you’re planning on getting in a fight at Luton throw yourself into it mind and body and soul. But not if you’re planning on hugging.

“Clearly hugging must be done with caution. Take it slow. Use the time available. How you manage to hug cautiously will be up to you to solve. This is just in keeping with our mixed messaging. And remember bunnies must be hugged cautiously,” a 10 Downing Street source advises.

“Hug them too tight and the entire petrochemical industry is in danger. But if you’re planning on hugging your gran make sure you don’t have a cold. Do it carefully, but irreversibly. Bring her in close and hope she’s had the second dose. Cross your fingers and pray for the best. It’s the way the PM manages the pandemic. So if it’s good enough for him it’s good enough for all of you. Those of you that are left.”

If you’re finding all of this a little confusing that’s because it is. Muddled thinking right at the top.

“Just follow Mr Johnson’s advice and personal example and you’ll be disputing paternity in a court of law before you know it,” the source confirms. “Use the prophylactic available clearly. But when? Remember that the old saying about shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted is excellent advice. You don’t want any old nag just wandering into your stable while your own is out for a jaunt!”

Perhaps also it maybe good advice to use your famous British common sense.

”Definitely. It’s got us this far hasn’t it? It saw Mr Johnson re-elected with a stinking majority. Thanks to that he can do more than cautiously hug. He’s thrown caution to the wind and is screwing the entire country.”

He’s an expert at throwing caution to the wind. We’re seeing it again today as the variant spreads and the lockdown eases. Look out for yourselves. Definitely be cautious and be careful who you hug. Unless it’s a bunny.