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Nicola Sturgeon advised to tell Boris Johnson IndyRef will be advisory only

CUT THE BLUE OR THE RED WIRE : Nicola Sturgeon is on the receiving end of unsolicited and timely advice today as she celebrates romping home in Scotland.

Even as she warms her hands over Alex Salmond’s failure to win a seat she is being told how best to get permission for a second Independence Referendum from Westminster.

“Just tell Downing Street that IndyRef2 will be advisory only,” an anonymous note is reported to have said. “Worked a treat in the Brexit stitch up. We pulled off a minor win thanks to dark money, electoral law breaking and massive social media manipulation and then called it an overwhelming mandate. It was hilarious.”

Whether or not Ms Sturgeon either needs or will heed the unsolicited tidbit isn’t clear, as she seems to know what she’s about.

“She doesn’t really need to pull off a con like the Brexit referendum,” our Union Analyst comments. “She can rely on an industrial scale gaslighting campaign from Johnson and Gove. They’ll do the work for her.”

Clearly it would be possible to save the United Kingdom but the required tools are unlikely to be in Boris Johnson’s box.

“It will take treating the Scots with respect, furthering empowering Holyrood and a summit on how best to reorganise the power sharing arrangements of the entire country to enable the smaller regions to have an actual say in overall governance. So good luck with that.”

Downing Street is said to believe Johnson can pull it off but leaks suggest plans are also being drawn up for more “Inland Customs Facilities” once the UK’s newest customs border is established north of Newcastle.

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Cash STRAPPED Boris offers to sell Scotland to EU to raise CASH

THE LAST KING OF ENGLAND : Great news for high end painters and decorators today after a 10 Downing Street leak revealed the Prime Minister has offered to sell Scotland to the EU.

There was deep concern that CASH STRAPPED Boris Johnson may not have enough readies to retile the No 11 flat in actual elephant fur but a late night drinking session appears to have been a fortunate decision.

“It was while opening the third crate of Bollinger manfully himself that the PM paused,” a Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “He stared with widening eyes and said, just a minute, just a minute, no hesitation, deviation or…before falling silent. Next he belched and fist pumped the air several times. Muttered something about so many kids and school fees before belching again.”

It was after the second round of belching that the genius wheeze was finally verbalised.

“Didn’t the Reds sell Kissinger Alaska?” the PM is reported to have demanded of his drinking companions. “Why in blazes can’t we just flog Scotland off to Brussels?”

Why not indeed.

“The jocks will go for it. Old Barnier gets to write a sequel after the sales negotiations and Carrie gets to buy whatever the bally hell carpet she likes for the WC.”

It’s not expected that Scotland will be consulted on the potential sale as that would just “give them ideas above their station”.

What Brussels will make of the offer isn’t entirely clear, nor what Scots Tories will think. The idea is said to have found immediate favour among the cabinet as they’re all nodding dogs.

“Gove can pitch it to the British public. Not that anyone is paying attention to what we do anyway. And it’ll nicely stitch up Sturgeon. Imagine being this close to her dreams and having them snatched away in a real estate transaction. Classic Boris.”

The plan also solves a recurring problem for backbench Tory MPs who won’t have to worry about hanging the Union Jack the wrong way up anymore, as it will just be a red cross.

If the sale is successful it will also open the doors to selling Wales next and potentially Northern Ireland to Joe Biden.

“Boris has overseen one of the worst pandemic mortality responses on the planet and gotten away with it. The skies the limit. Well, just north of Newcastle maybe the limit soon but who cares?”

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Main English political parties now confident they can continue to ignore 50% of voters

WHAT’S SO CIVIL ABOUT WAR ANYWAY : FANTASTIC results in the UK’s local elections this week which have given an overwhelming mandate for the main English political parties to carry on with business as usual. The usual meaning that anyone who wanted to remain in the EU, and anyone who thinks Brexit is a terrible idea now, can just get stuffed. It’s democracy in action. Minority ruling majority. Almost a tyranny.

“It’s just wonderful, so magnificent,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Had we suffered heavy defeats we may have had to take stock. And I don’t just mean PPE! Ha! But the public just shrugged and said the corruption and disaster capitalism, the squashing of women peacefully protesting into the turf, all those garbage Brexit promises, treating asylum seekers like animals, all this stuff is just great. Boris is very happy. He’s considering getting an even younger fiancée just for a laugh. He can do anything and the proles just lap it up. They actually seem to like his intentional cruelty. In fact we all are cock a hoop. You should see Priti Patel’s mad little grin. Ear to ear.”

Some have quibbled of course and said that the right to hard right maybe a block vote in the current era but it’s not a majority.

“Who cares? May I introduce you to FPTP at Westminster? The mother of parliaments is a mother man.”

Others have pointed a finger at centre to left parties and said they’d be able to defeat the parties of hate if they just worked together.

“Where’s the fun in that? This way the Corbynistas get to carry on pretending that their man never lost a battle even though he was overwhelming rejected by the electorate. The current Labour leadership gets to pretend that if it’s going to win it needs to chase Johnson’s politics even harder. More flags. More patriotism. More ignoring Brexit. Clearly they haven’t listened hard enough to the red wall who want to be lied to. Start lying. Look at the PM!. And ONLY the red wall exists in English politics. It’s made everything much simpler.”

What the actual majority of the country who aren’t sociopaths or wilfully ignorant, who don’t like punching themselves in the face are supposed to now isn’t that clear.

“Stay apathetic. Don’t vote. Don’t unite. It’s a simple recipe and your Prime Minister is very happy with you. Which is all that really matters.”

Want to buy some democracy? Cash, cheque or wire transfer? The electorate respects it. And the rest of you, the progressives, whatever you do don’t unite, don’t make common cause or you’ll make Boris sad…

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First ‘Debtors Prison’ in 160 years to built in Hartlepool “with thanks from Downing Street”

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR : The Prime Minister is to announce later today a building boom for the good people of Hartlepool to thank them for electing a ToryKip MP.

The building that will be booming is the first Debtors Prison to be constructed in England since the mid-Victorian period.

“The good people of Hartlepool have voted for change and change they will get,” the PM will promise. “You have chosen to reward my industrial scale lying, the preventable deaths of tens of thousands of your fellow citizens, the destablilsation of peace in Northern Ireland, the almost certain breakup of the United Kingdom, the hardship inflicted on your people over 11 years now and the promise of a war with France by electing a resident of the Cayman Islands to serve their interests at Westminster. It’s hard to express how deep my gratitude is. The decision to break your ground and erect a monstrosity is just the beginning.”

It’s believed a Tory donor and “close friend of the Prime Minister” will win the contract to build the prison and most of the materials used will be imported “for a laugh”.

“The prison will bring together people from across the length and breadth of the United Kingdom and is part of our reinvigorated agenda of levelling up and building back better [debtors prisons].”

It’s not yet known which MP will be chosen to cut the ribbon upon completion, although the member for the Victorian era, Jacob Rees-mogg, is said to be almost tumescent at the prospect.

“The prison will not just be there to punish recalcitrant tenants of slum Tory landlords, but to improve and better their characters by long working hours, a diet of gruel and the prospect of hand stitching Union Jack flags until an early grave.”

For its part the Labour leadership have yet to comment on the plans, being too busy wondering why continuing the policy of validating the fascist Tory political project of Brexit, started under Jeremy Corbyn, is yet to yield electoral success. Completely baffling. There is an argument to be won and they’re still determined not to have it.

A delegation of former fishermen have been asked to form a choir to sing “Land of Hope and Glory” on the day the Debtors Prison opens. Which is nice.

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French call off invasion of UK fishing waters after realising Johnson has already destroyed UK industry

CLOSE CALL : The French government has announced it has drawn back from plans for a full scale military invasion of the UK’s fishing grounds, much to the disgust of kippers.

The majority of the Brexit backing UK press were gun-ho for an invasion and a war. The failure of Macron to take the bait and attack the UK is seen as a massive setback for Brexit. An immediate search is on to find another agreement to break in the hope of causing violent reprisals.

“We’ll have to try something else now,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Maybe we should stop trying to break international law and just outlaw croissants? Outlaw French wine imports. Outlaw French kissing. Outlaw French windows. Outlaw lingerie. Outlaw baguettes. Outlaw the eating of all land molluscs. Make it a full scale assault on the entirety of French culture. That may do the trick. Alternatively we could just sent Lord Frost back across the Channel.”

The search is also on for exactly why the French pulled back just as it looked like they were going to nuke Jersey.

“We realised that Prime Minister (pause for laughter) Boris Johnson has already destroyed the United Kingdom’s fishing industry. What is the point of grabbing the lure he threw in front of us then? We just decided to go home and wait for him to back down, as always.”

The one thing Downing Street has achieved though is a distraction on polling day. Which is nice.

“Johnson can take the rank of Admiral now. He loves dressing up. Antagonising our friends and allies is just for kicks. His real passion is make believe with the costume box. Then breaking stuff, like the country. Just because he can. Or he’s a foreign asset? No one is really sure which.”

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Brexit win as UK exports war to France for the first time in 50 years

THE SUNLIT UPLANDS ARE IN SIGHT: Britain’s greatest ever export commodity, war, is being delivered to France right now. 50 years of oppressive EU rule prevented this. It’s a tangible benefit at long last. 

According to the Foreign Secretary, warships have been dispatched to Jersey, which is allegedly near France. This represents a huge improvement in Dominic Raab’s geography skills. 

Rumours that Raab was supposed to attack Germany, not Jersey, have little basis in fact. 

“This is a massive victory for Brexit Britain!” claimed Jack Boot at the Department of Delicate Negotiations. “For 50 years now, the EU has demanded that we were friendly with France, our natural enemy. The EU flag should have been a white flag of surrender! But now we have the Freedom and Sovereignty to invade when we please, and put the cheese eating surrender monkeys in their place!”

Boot was coy about the ultimate ambition of the new war, beyond taunting the French and finally getting revenge on the soldiers who farted in our general direction. 

But you can extrapolate. The USA bombs the Middle East in order to install western democracy. The UK tends to mimic the USA in a very amateur, British way. So the ultimate aim must be to make France’s government like the UK’s. 

“That’s what levelling up involves,” Boot confirmed. “Dragging the French down to our level. I mean, dragging them up by their bootstraps. Then we can oversee free and fair elections, which will guarantee a government in the image of a true British democracy.” 

The timing of this invasion, immediately before an election, is completely coincidental. As are Conservative Party campaign leaflets reading “Vote for us if you want to see the French crushed in battle!” 

After all, a long and ultimately futile campaign, involving vast expense, no benefits, and a lowering of standards across the board, will appeal to everyone who thinks Brexit is a good idea. 

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Total Brexit : Downing Street orders Jersey to turn off its own lights to stuff the FRENCH!

GLOBAL BRITAIN : Downing Street is reported to be in the “war game” zone this evening after an anonymous Tory donor gave the hapless PM a gift in the form of “Risk”. The timing could not be better.

It is hoped the role/roll playing of international conflict will aid the Prime Minister as he attempts to wrestle the nettle of what to do about the FRENCH.

“It could be a total disaster!” a frantic 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “You know how much discrete banking is done through Jersey? Billions and billions. Tax efficient banking for a very select list of clients. If those computers go down it’ll be mayhem for our post Brexit strategy.”

The Royal Navy is now, it is reported, on standby.

“Not to nuke Macron, although we can’t rule anything out. But if the problem over the French taking exception to our attempts to shaft them over fishing, with Jersey as the sex toy of choice, isn’t resolved and they turn off the power to all those financially focused computers…one of those new aircraft-less, aircraft carriers will have to moor itself off Jersey and run an extension lead onto the island. This is what Global Britain trains for. Let’s just hope they can pull it off. Then nuke the French.”

Other actions are also in motion with Prime Minister Boris Johnson said to be smashing through several bottles of claret in double time before writing two stiffly worded columns to see old Bonny back into his box.

“He’s either going to send Macron a letter comparing his actions to the Nazis, to build on the Telegraphs’ genius work today. Or he’ll warn the meddling French power monger by reminding them of what Global Britain did to Napoleon all on its own. Whichever letter he sends will be accompanied by a video cassette of Master and Commander, just to cause maximum mayhem!”

The turning off of Jersey’s lights is planned for 3am tomorrow morning for maximum impact. Unless the FRENCH see SENSE!

Global Britain! Don’t mess with us or we’ll punch ourselves in the face.

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Revelation Henry VIII’s warship “Mary Rose” had “multi-ethnic” crew listed under official secrets act

SAY IT ISN’T SO : The Government has moved swiftly today to combat an outbreak of historical revision that threatens the entire foundation of mighty Brexitannia.

The threat to the country emerged with the morning edition of the saboteurs’ rag of choice “The Guardian” which carried a story about the ethnic diversity of Henry VIII’s famous warship the “Mary Rose”.

“Our first instinct was to re-sink the Mary Rose,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Just take it back out into the Solent and let it go. It now seems reckless in the extreme to raise it from its watery grave. And under Thatcher’s watch too! It’s a nightmare. Heaven help us too if news gets out that the English have always been ethnically diverse.”

It is further reported that a meeting of COBR was immediately convened to consider the matter, and cooler heads prevailed. Although the Prime Minister wasn’t present, as he was having his standard lie in, he was informed of the decision and is said to have concurred so long as “he gets his Bloody Mary. Never mind the bloody Mary Rose. This hangover is a bastard”.

“The decision was taken to impose a complete reporting ban on the new scientific discoveries and place all relevant facts regarding the famous warship under the Official Secrets Act. That’s for the next one thousand years. As long as the ToryKip government anticipates reigning, once they redraw constituency boundaries.”

Happily it seems as if action was taken in time to repress the story of the Mary Rose’s ethnically diverse crew.

“This is the trouble with experts. They find things out that threaten the very fabric of society. Ignorance is bliss. That’s Brexit. Let’s keep it that way.”

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Boris Johnson opens ‘onlyfans’ account to pay for life’s essentials

EXCLUSIVE ACCESS : Britain’s Prime Minister is famously hard up for cash, always. This has zero national security implications and even if it did we just would not care. This is because we’re now Global Britain. It does make enjoying day to day life harder though.

It’s not made any easier for Boris Johnson by the poverty wages Prime Minister’s are expected to subsist on. Free rent and transport is all very well, but when you have to buy your own food things are very rum indeed. A man must search for a solution. Especially a man with prodigious appetites that must be met in order to govern forcefully.

”Happily the gig economy had the answer,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The prime minister now has his own onlyfans account and the subscriptions are already massive!”

Most of the subscriptions appear to be based in Russia, the Cayman and Channel Islands, but there’s also some from the USA and a few domestic accounts.

Critics however have been fast to point out that the exclusive access Mr Johnson is offering is not exactly exclusive.

“I signed up and it’s just the standard fare Mr Johnson puts in the papers day after day,” Mr Gammon of Gammon Lane, Brexit Town (twinned with Hell) says. “The extra hi-vis is nice. But I’m paying to see him play act as a builder? Anyone can see that. Still what’s he like? It’s just BoRiS being Boris!”

The reasons Mr Johnson gives on the page are at least valid, “arts and crafts supplies” which means wine, and “technology lessons” and one can only guess what they are. But we’re certain for the Prime Minister they are one of life’s essentials.

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Patel slams Dorries’ Hartlepool job maths – “We actually created 300,34,900,74,000 jobs”

GET IT RIGHT NADINE : Open mathematical warfare in the Tory Party ahead of Thursday’s polls with none other than the Home Secretary taking aim at Tory MP Nadine Dorries’ claims over job creation in Hartlepool.

The MP for Mid Bedfordshire made a meal of it over the weekend by claiming that the governing Tories had created 180,000 jobs in Hartlepool, in spite of the region only having a population of 4 people.

“It’s just not true that we created 180,000 jobs in Harlepool,” Ms Patel sub-tweeted Dorries. “I expect our MPs to lie big when they take to Twitter. We created jobs on the scale of donor profits from PPE contracts.”

How many jobs the Tory policies have cost both Hartlepool and Harlepool has not been studied because that’s not the way we do things in Brexitannia.

Regardless of the public spat between the MPs the Tories are anticipated to take the Westminster seat with polls suggesting the entire region is still suffering from the lobotomy performed on much of the UK in 2016.

“We are just as fortunate that Labour don’t talk about Brexit ever as we are about creating jobs. Also how the right wing comes together while the progressive parties hold purity tests on one another. We’re going to gobble up the patriotic vote and rule forever. So long as Starmer never mentions the truth about Brexit daily.”

Exactly how many jobs Ms Patel claims to have created is of interest too, as she appears to believe it is the same as Covid tests administered in the area.

“Three hundred thousand and thirty four, nine hundred and seventy four thousand,” Ms Patel confirms, “that’s because the jobs we’ve created are so poorly paid all four constituents need dozens and scores of jobs each to make ends meet.”