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BREAKING : Lordships seen on sale at pound store after devaluation by Lord Frost

SUB PRIME PEERAGES : FANTASTIC opportunities for the country’s high street shoppers with the slashing of the cost of peerages. Neatly timed too with the reopening of “non-essential” retail.

The value of being a Lord or Lady has been tumbling for a while after Boris Johnson used the honour system to stuff the House of Lords with Brexiters requiring a payoff.

“Just making Goldsmith a peer and retaining him as a minister slashed the value by 10%. The people threw him out on his ear at a GE and before he had a chance to bounce Johnson had ennobled him and stuffed him into the Lords. Then there’s Fox. Another 10%. So on like this. But Lord Frost has basically turned peerages into something the equivalent of junk bonds.”

While for some this may seem to undermine the democratic legitimacy of the unelected upper house, for people looking for a way to cheer themselves up after a long lockdown winter it’s a golden opportunity.

“We’ve all got that member of the family, normally an ageing male, who wants a coat of arms to appear impressive to their peers. Well now you can just rock down to the local pound store and pick up a peerage. You can imagine how envious they’ll be when they have to call you Lord or Lady. Ha! Especially as they can’t be seen dead in the pound store themselves. Total stitch-up.”

Although some punters are said to be holding off buying their peerage even now and waiting to see what LORD Frost does next.

“If he carries on his current trajectory of agreeing deals with the EU, proclaiming them a British negotiating success and then about facing twenty four hours later to claim the EU is abusing the UK and he wants to renegotiate? Mate. You won’t be able to give a peerage away. This just proves that giving inadequate people high status so they’ll do whatever you ask them to is a boon for British shoppers.”

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Brits urged to discuss how they’ll spend next avoidable lockdown while at the pub

TWO PINTS OF LAGER AND A DOSE OF PLAGUE PLEASE : Great news today with the pubs refilling after months of closure. And it’s not just a great step forward for punters, it proves that Boris Johnson’s government is making a success of managing the pandemic. Ignore the naysayers and get the rounds in. The catastrophic bungling of the pandemic so far has the hospitality industry on its knees. You have to do your patriotic duty and save it.

“Clearly the spread of the Indian variant need not concern anyone,” a 10 Downing Street herd immunity advocate said. “Get stuck in! Just remember to maintain social distancing when you’re blathered.”

Whether or not the next stage in unlocking should have been delayed until the extent of spread of the new, more transmissible variant is understood is really only a subject of discussion for anyone paying attention.

“Look at the polling numbers! We’ve a country so gaslit now the government can get away with anything. 150,000 dead? What’s that? We gained council seats in the recent elections. It validates our management. It’s not fair to accuse us of being disinterested in detail. A hell of a lot of effort was put into print last year to undermine the sanctity of life. It’s only old people who are dying, so who really cares? Even old people were saying it. Managing the narrative is the first step, some time after that we get to the virus.”

Mercifully the tabloids are already setting out the stall of blame for any failure from central government. It will be the public’s fault. You can be sure of it.

“We don’t elect representatives to bore themselves senseless learning about risks to public health and mitigating them. We elect them in 21st century Britain to provide a VIP line for uncontested contracts. It’s a well oiled machine, just look at some of the chancers who’ve received multi-million pound PPE contracts.”

Hopefully the vaccine roll out will get in front of the virus and there won’t be a need for another national lockdown. If we’re lucky the avoidable fatalities that are now trickling through the morgues with the preventable spread of the Indian variant will stay at a level that is politically feasible for Mr Johnson and his government.

“We maybe out of the woods now. No one knows. Just be happy we didn’t keep you locked in for a relatively brief period last year like some other countries who pursued a policy of elimination. We have a lot more suspense in day to day life here.”

Just to be on the safe side though if you haven’t decided what path of self-improvement you’ll take in any future lockdown, while you’re raising a jar and tasting freedom in liquid form will be a good time to discuss it.

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Lord Frost to visit every U.K. household and look behind sofas for Brexit benefits

FROST IS ON THE WAY : The UK’s blazing comet of incompetence Lord Frost will be coming your way. Having failed to find any benefits to Brexit under the rock he crawled out from, in order to get a fancy title, he’s now widening his search.

“He’s going to walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more,” an aide to the lost Lord told LCD Views. “Well when I say walk, he’ll be chauffeur driven at public expense. But it amounts to the same thing in the end. He will get the job done.”

And the job needs doing, for in spite of getting Brexit done legally and ending the transition period in the middle of a pandemic, the land isn’t overflowing with Brexit benefits.

“Mostly it’s the churlish EU’s fault,” the aide clarified, “there’s a growing concern they’re intentionally hiding Brexit benefits from us. Which is a distinct possibility, given they seem to be the only ones enjoying any. They really should grow up and share.”

In the meantime, the Brexit front man will be ringing your doorbell.

“It’s possible you may have an unknown Brexit benefit behind your sofa. Even underneath it. It’s just as no one knows what they look like you haven’t been able to indentify it. Even when you drag it out with the hoover, before shoving it back under as too hard to deal with.”

Homeowners are asked to address Lord Frost by his full title when he darkens their doors too.

“He’s very particular about that. Agreeing to be the face of the national immolation in exchange for status was the reason he did it. Now you have to respect him. He’s a Lord. He’s got a piece of paper with it written on and everything. He’s no longer an inadequate. He’s a Lord. Did I mention he’s a Lord? He’s very pleased about it.”

Which is about the only way anyone has benefited from Brexit.

“Maybe if we made all the bankrupt fishermen lords they’d be okay with it? Just without the benefits.”

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Man screwing entire country advises you to “hug cautiously”

IRREVERSIBLE AS DEATH : Whatever you do today do it with feeling. If you’re planning on sitting inside a pub enjoying that long awaited pint breathe in the atmosphere, don’t be afraid. If you’re planning on getting in a fight at Luton throw yourself into it mind and body and soul. But not if you’re planning on hugging.

“Clearly hugging must be done with caution. Take it slow. Use the time available. How you manage to hug cautiously will be up to you to solve. This is just in keeping with our mixed messaging. And remember bunnies must be hugged cautiously,” a 10 Downing Street source advises.

“Hug them too tight and the entire petrochemical industry is in danger. But if you’re planning on hugging your gran make sure you don’t have a cold. Do it carefully, but irreversibly. Bring her in close and hope she’s had the second dose. Cross your fingers and pray for the best. It’s the way the PM manages the pandemic. So if it’s good enough for him it’s good enough for all of you. Those of you that are left.”

If you’re finding all of this a little confusing that’s because it is. Muddled thinking right at the top.

“Just follow Mr Johnson’s advice and personal example and you’ll be disputing paternity in a court of law before you know it,” the source confirms. “Use the prophylactic available clearly. But when? Remember that the old saying about shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted is excellent advice. You don’t want any old nag just wandering into your stable while your own is out for a jaunt!”

Perhaps also it maybe good advice to use your famous British common sense.

”Definitely. It’s got us this far hasn’t it? It saw Mr Johnson re-elected with a stinking majority. Thanks to that he can do more than cautiously hug. He’s thrown caution to the wind and is screwing the entire country.”

He’s an expert at throwing caution to the wind. We’re seeing it again today as the variant spreads and the lockdown eases. Look out for yourselves. Definitely be cautious and be careful who you hug. Unless it’s a bunny.

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Boris Johnson did everything he could to get a free holiday on Mustique – Study finds

WORLD BEATING HOLIDAYING : The UK’s greatest living viral Prime Minister is on the receiving end of a never ending deluge of plaudits, and he adds another trophy to the cabinet today.

A study into his holidays has revealed he really pulled out the stops to take his mistress at the time to Mustique.

“He did everything he did, whatever that was,” the lead author on the study tells LCD Views. “It must have been impressive, given that he still refuses to say who actually paid for the luxury break and underreported its value in the official register.”

The holiday was certainly needed as he had to get her strength for the coming trials he would face while Prime Minister, and many hope after he’s been prime minister.

“You don’t mismanage a pandemic without a good rest first. You don’t move the woman you cheated on your last wife with into 10 Downing Street without some time relaxing on a boat. And you certainly can’t witness the miracle of birth with a partner showing no visible signs of pregnancy unless you’ve had some serious down time.”

Clearly Mr Johnson’s MPs have formed a protective square around him over the secretly funded holiday and are determined to keep him in post.

“There’s so many snouts in the trough with Johnson as PM everyone has to do everything they can to keep it that way until all the public’s money has been shifted out to accounts in island paradises. It’s a nice symmetry to the holiday that is now a scandal.”

The study does hold out one angle of support for the Prime Minister.

“They’re maybe nothing too much to learn about the five star break,” the researcher floats, “just who are you pathetic little plebs to question the decisions of the world king? Know your place. It is not yours to question why, it is yours to stay home and die. Which leads us back to the pandemic and Mr Johnson’s lethal mismanagement. Let’s call that the Mustique variant.”

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Man says biggest regret is “not befriending a Tory MP” before pandemic

PPE JACKPOT : A Home Counties man has spoken to anyone who will listen today to describe his “deep regret” over not having a Tory MP as a friend.

The fellow is puzzled over the “serious oversight” that sees him unable to just “WhatsApp a cabinet minister and instantly become rich beyond my wildest dreams”.

It’s believed his disquiet is only worsened by the daily reports of “someone who has a company they set up last week and whacked five quid in” landing multi-million pound PPE deals just by “texting a friend”.

“Being chums with a cabinet minister seems to be the ultimate get rich quick scheme. Why can’t I just go out today and buy a Georgian Manor? Because I’m an idiot who didn’t do any pandemic planning. That’s why.”

Although the situation is not completely without hope.

“I have a plan,” the man says, “I’m really excited about indoor hospitality reopening. I’ve drawn up a schedule of pubs in the constituencies of cabinet ministers and I’m going to loiter in a different one each day. Well, until the Indian variant closes indoor hospitality again. Thanks Boris! But if I play it right there’s a window of opportunity to become chums with Matt or Priti, I’m not fussy. Then I just have to wait for the next wave and send a text.”

The PPE business has proven to be the sure fire way to instant riches during the pandemic, the mismanagement of which in the U.K. has cost over 150,000 lives so far.

“You’ve got to be in it to win it,” he adds. “In a tantric pandemic that is. Thank God for dither and delay in the executive. If I choose the right boozer, and a cabinet minister turns up for a photo opportunity, tomorrow could be my lucky day!”

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BREAKING : Downing Street bans feelings of “Déjà vu” as U.K. unlocks with rising caseload

LET IT GO LET IT GO : Downing Street have reacted swiftly today to news of rising caseloads of a dangerous new variant even while the roadmap to freedom is driven along without a backward, forward or sideways glance by the executive.

”We had a meeting over a late champagne breakfast involving the Prime Minister and some guys from a dark money funded think tank who think herd immunity is still the go to position and decided to take affirmative action,” an unreliable 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views.

Clearly there is no turning back as the road to freedom is driven in a vehicle that is yet to have a reverse gear installed. Happily the local and mayoral elections showed there is a considerable appetite in the national electorate for avoidable deaths. Even if they’re mountainous. So long as people keep getting vaccinated in the demographics most likely to favour the Conservatives.

“Clearly we can’t close the pubs again. Johnson had to mute Tim Martin’s phone number as it is. But it’s also clear that anyone paying attention maybe feeling a certain uneasy sense of déjà vu. We can not ignore that. We must do something about it.”

The actual action plan is many pronged. Something for which we can all be grateful.

“Firstly the Prime Minister’s hair is going to get increasingly outrageous. Like so mad you won’t be able to focus on the boring charts and graphs that litter woke twitter. That will help. And next we’re all going to be very careful about the language we use and the feelings we feel.”

How so specifically?

“It’s simple we’re going to pass a law today banning you from feeling déjà vu. It could not be simpler.”

Any talk of pursuing an elimination strategy?

“Don’t be daft! That would take a basic grasp of the link between the health of a population and the economy. Oh and empathy.”

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Famous liberal Boris Johnson “shocked” at “out of character” actions of Home Secretary

ALEXANDER DE PEFEFFEL BORIS JOHNSON : Bad times in the No 11 Downing Street flat this morning as reports of “two blows landing one after another” leak from the creaky ship of state.

The left hook appears to be the Prime Minister’s “deep shock” at the “out of character” behaviour of his Home Secretary Priti Patel.

“Ms Patel has a reputation for removing people from the country with a ruthless efficiency completely devoid of human feeling,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“That’s why she is in her job.”

We realise that.

“Remember the footage of Boris Johnson refusing to shake hands with those two black delegates at Tory Conference?”

Yes. Here’s the link.

“Remember all his colourful language in columns over years? Remember how he plays to the basest instincts of the electorate? THAT’S WHY PATEL IS HOME SECRETARY. An individual so devoid of human feeling, so cleansed of empathy she is perfect to keep the dirty deeds at arm’s length. Her failure yesterday has rocked the PM. Now he has to fight Scotland full on. You remember the Glasgow Airport terrorist incident? Boris Johnson is a bully. Bullies run from serious danger. He does not want to have to take Glasgow on. God damn you Priti! Damn you to hell!”

What was the second blow?

“Oh, the right hook was Carrie deciding she wants to change the wallpaper. Again. Maybe difficult to find a donor to pay for it.”

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Man rescued after throwing himself into a vat of pig slurry explains, “I was trying to embrace Brexit!”

YOU’LL NEVER GET THE STAINS OUT : A middle-aged man from the former Red Wall town of Footy had a lucky escape today after hurling himself into a bubbling vat of pig slurry.

Reports from the scene indicate the man had heard a voice urging him to “Embrace Brexit” and immediately left his home, drove to the nearest pig farm where he physically dived into the ferocious mess head first.

Eyewitnesses were unable to comment as they were all pigs, but first responders did talk to the press about what they found at the scene and what the man concerned said.

“We were alerted a little after 6am this morning by the distressed call from a farmer in the hamlet of Footley, five miles outside of the town of Footy,” a police officer said. “The farmer said he was doing his morning check on his stock and that’s when he heard the shouts of alarm. He rushed to the slurry vat to find there was a man unknown to himself in the warm slurry and he would not get out.”

Apparently the farmer attempted to rescue the man who refused. He retreated and called emergency services, before returning to continue to attempt rescue.

“Fortunately the vat was only thigh deep with muck and although the individual was slipping and sliding all over as he tried to actually hug the pig slurry the farmer was able to lasso him in a move he said he learned from watching John Wayne movies with his grandfather.”

The man was eventually dragged from the vat by a combination of police, ambulance drivers, firemen and the farmer all dragging on the rope. The attempt to embrace Brexit was described as “unsuccessful and just left the man covered in pig shit”.

He is being treated at a nearby sanatorium and is expected to be released into the care of his wife. She is said to be “fuming”.

“We can’t really say why he tried it,” the police added. “He’s not overweight, red faced and doesn’t read any right wing tabloids. He is also no fan of the Prime Minister. It was reckless in the extreme. It’s likely the stink of electoral crime, loss of prestige and influence, the harm done by forcing through an ill-judged political agenda via racism and deluded exceptionalism will hang over him for some time. We would advise no one else attempt to embrace Brexit, who has not already.”

Instead the advice is to continue to exercise your democratic right to tell Brexit to sod off and come back when it’s located an actual benefit and is prepared to apologise to the millions of people it’s already harmed.

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BREAKING LEAK : PM’s debt of £535 owed to “Central Animal Casting – Prop. Dog. Day rate £535”

PLEASE LET IT BE TRUE : 10 Downing Street is said to be in a frenzied state this morning and fevered discussions are happening over “Who will wake the Prime Minister and tell him?”

The cause of the caustic condition is rumoured to be a Whitehall leak overnight to absolutely no one at all as we’ve just made it up out of wishful thinking.

“Dylin is rented,” the fabrication says. “Day rate £535. Central Animal Casting Mayfair.”

While the fact the Downing Street dog is rented as and when needed will surprise no one, the fact the PM doesn’t pay the bill owing will also surprise no one.

“We’re going to have to call a COBR meeting and decide who wakes him up,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “This is more serious than the Indian variant rising in Bolton. We may even have to call in one of his lady friends to do it. By some fiendish trick of fate the Downing Street kitchens are out of the ingredients needed for his morning hangover cure. Something about an unpaid grocery bill. No one can go out and get them as he’s already picked all our pockets clean.”

The revelation that the bill is for the dog will at least put paid to the scandalous rumours that pretty much everyone ever pictured with the PM in a “family setting” either does not exist or is also hired on an “as and when needed” basis.