LCD Views

NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT : Deep concern across the United Kingdom today that Dido Harding is suffering from overwork after she was rumoured to have been hired to track and trace the benefits of Brexit.

Fingers are even being pointed at the Prime Minister and questions asked over whether or not he should hire Ms Harding a bigger team of management consultants? While the UK Gov retains the capacity to print money it would be possible to print whatever is required. After all, those offshore bank accounts aren’t going to just fill themselves. It is a politically viable strategy in the short to medium term too, as local authority budgets can be further squeezed and they can levy greater local taxes to fill in any holes created by central government.

“It will be okay,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The Indian variant will soon be in all corners of the country and there will be no need to carry on looking for it, as it will be everywhere. Thus the crack team of bloodhounds can turn to locating Brexit benefits.”

In spite of Downing Street’s confident demeanour the tracking and tracing of Brexit benefits will not just be a domestic issue and will require international travel. This is surprisingly difficult in a pandemic, although government is said to be up to the task or risking it.

“Admittedly all the benefits of Brexit so far are international,” the source says, before shrugging. “Trillions in trading have left London for EU and US destinations. The fishing industry is stuffed, presumably to the advantage of the Scandinavians? Who knows. Someone will have to look into that. We can add it to Dido’s to do list. It will only need a budget increase of a few more billions to get the answers. Maybe.”

The one big advantage Ms Harding will have is that so far only Australia, New Zealand and a few other countries no one talks about have banned incoming travel from the UK. Thus she doesn’t need to look there. But for anyone concerned that Ms Harding may again come up with empty hands in spite of the money spent, Downing Street has a fall back position.

“We’ll just lie about it. If that doesn’t work we’ll blame the Europeans. It worked to get Brexit done, presumably if we just keep blagging we can make a success of it. We already drafted a press release claiming that British air is only oxygenated because of Brexit.”

FROST IS ON THE WAY : The UK’s blazing comet of incompetence Lord Frost will be coming your way. Having failed to find any benefits to Brexit under the rock he crawled out from, in order to get a fancy title, he’s now widening his search.

“He’s going to walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more,” an aide to the lost Lord told LCD Views. “Well when I say walk, he’ll be chauffeur driven at public expense. But it amounts to the same thing in the end. He will get the job done.”

And the job needs doing, for in spite of getting Brexit done legally and ending the transition period in the middle of a pandemic, the land isn’t overflowing with Brexit benefits.

“Mostly it’s the churlish EU’s fault,” the aide clarified, “there’s a growing concern they’re intentionally hiding Brexit benefits from us. Which is a distinct possibility, given they seem to be the only ones enjoying any. They really should grow up and share.”

In the meantime, the Brexit front man will be ringing your doorbell.

“It’s possible you may have an unknown Brexit benefit behind your sofa. Even underneath it. It’s just as no one knows what they look like you haven’t been able to indentify it. Even when you drag it out with the hoover, before shoving it back under as too hard to deal with.”

Homeowners are asked to address Lord Frost by his full title when he darkens their doors too.

“He’s very particular about that. Agreeing to be the face of the national immolation in exchange for status was the reason he did it. Now you have to respect him. He’s a Lord. He’s got a piece of paper with it written on and everything. He’s no longer an inadequate. He’s a Lord. Did I mention he’s a Lord? He’s very pleased about it.”

Which is about the only way anyone has benefited from Brexit.

“Maybe if we made all the bankrupt fishermen lords they’d be okay with it? Just without the benefits.”

YOU’LL NEVER GET THE STAINS OUT : A middle-aged man from the former Red Wall town of Footy had a lucky escape today after hurling himself into a bubbling vat of pig slurry.

Reports from the scene indicate the man had heard a voice urging him to “Embrace Brexit” and immediately left his home, drove to the nearest pig farm where he physically dived into the ferocious mess head first.

Eyewitnesses were unable to comment as they were all pigs, but first responders did talk to the press about what they found at the scene and what the man concerned said.

“We were alerted a little after 6am this morning by the distressed call from a farmer in the hamlet of Footley, five miles outside of the town of Footy,” a police officer said. “The farmer said he was doing his morning check on his stock and that’s when he heard the shouts of alarm. He rushed to the slurry vat to find there was a man unknown to himself in the warm slurry and he would not get out.”

Apparently the farmer attempted to rescue the man who refused. He retreated and called emergency services, before returning to continue to attempt rescue.

“Fortunately the vat was only thigh deep with muck and although the individual was slipping and sliding all over as he tried to actually hug the pig slurry the farmer was able to lasso him in a move he said he learned from watching John Wayne movies with his grandfather.”

The man was eventually dragged from the vat by a combination of police, ambulance drivers, firemen and the farmer all dragging on the rope. The attempt to embrace Brexit was described as “unsuccessful and just left the man covered in pig shit”.

He is being treated at a nearby sanatorium and is expected to be released into the care of his wife. She is said to be “fuming”.

“We can’t really say why he tried it,” the police added. “He’s not overweight, red faced and doesn’t read any right wing tabloids. He is also no fan of the Prime Minister. It was reckless in the extreme. It’s likely the stink of electoral crime, loss of prestige and influence, the harm done by forcing through an ill-judged political agenda via racism and deluded exceptionalism will hang over him for some time. We would advise no one else attempt to embrace Brexit, who has not already.”

Instead the advice is to continue to exercise your democratic right to tell Brexit to sod off and come back when it’s located an actual benefit and is prepared to apologise to the millions of people it’s already harmed.