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Priti Patel – “Doctor Lecter was doin’ a difficult job, actually, when he ate that liver. With a nice Chianti.”

THE SMIRK THAT LAUNCHED A THOUSAND SHITS : The Home Secretary is not one to allow professionals to languish under well founded accusations of inappropriate behaviour, bullying or breaking codes of conduct.

In an exclusive interview with the bull dog of Sunday morning chat shows, Andrew Marr, she defended yet another high profile figure who has come in for more than his fair share of stick.

“Well you know Andrew that I have the utmost respect for everyone in the medical profession,” Ms Patel stated, when asked about the ongoing accusations of cannibalism surrounding the psychologist Doctor Hannibal Lecter. “It is very stressful treatin’ disturbed individuals and sometimes decisions have to be made quick.”

Mr Marr wasn’t letting her off so easy though.

“But are fava beans really the most appropriate choice of legume to eat with a human liver? Or indeed offal from any source? You must admit there are serious questions to be asked also about the decision to use fine bone China?”

Ms Patel laid a lengthy smirk on Mr Marr. Disarming him with her world beating charm.

“Doctor Lecter was doin’ a difficult job, actually, when he ate that liver,” Ms Patel repeated herself.

“But he wasn’t merely eating the census taker’s liver. He was working and consuming alcohol at the same time. Isn’t it possible that this behaviour isn’t entirely professional and less than should be expected?”

“Doctor Lecter was doin’ a difficult job, actually,” Ms Patel reiterated once more, as if caught in a time loop, “When he ate that liver. With a nice Chianti.”

“Well if you think Chianti is the right wine we will have to leave it there. Although I would have gone for a Boudreaux.”

A recipe was then posted for viewers at home in case they also were mildly irritated when taking a census. Oh, and instruction for where to source the vintage of your choice.

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It’s a knockout: Harry and Wills cage fight sensation

In a shock development in the continuing Royal drama, Princes William and Harry have decided on a ‘once and for all’ battle to settle their differences.

Our inside information says that a ‘furious’ Harry issued the challenge after a major breach of protocol at the Duke of Edinburgh’s funeral. According to Brandreth’s Royal Funerary Etiquette, it is the responsibility of the spouse of the second child of the heir to the throne to carry the spare wheel of the ‘hearse, gun carriage or other wheeled vehicle in or upon which the monarch or spouse thereof may lie’. Instead, Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge, carried the Land Rover wheel in the cortège. Harry was said by our source to be ‘fuming’ at the unprecedented breach, and labelled the slight as ‘a slap in the face’ to he and especially the Duchess of Sussex who would have had the honour of bearing the 35kg wheel.

Palace sources quote Kate as saying, ‘Wills’ll take Harry down, no probs. Can’t see it going the distance, to be honest. Harry ain’t exactly Conor McGregor now, is he?’ In response, the Sussex camp have revealed that Harry has been in training for several weeks and considers himself to be in peak form. ‘Bring it on!’ Meghan reportedly said. ‘This time it’s personal.’

It is understood that the contest is to be fought under MMA rules and although no venue has been agreed, the Royal Albert Hall is being considered, as is Wembley Stadium.

Prince Charles when asked for a comment, said, ‘It is all very disappointing. Why can’t they sit down and discuss their problems in a civilised manner, perhaps over a cup of tea and some Duchy Organic Stem Ginger biscuits, available from Waitrose?’


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Downing Street “baffled” by Eurovision loss even after they sent aircraft carrier to sea

UNDERMINING BREXIT : It is now clear to all patriots that the EU will stop at nothing to prevent Brexit being the success it self-evidently is. This is in spite of the tireless efforts of the German automotive sector, the French cheese sector and the Italian prosecco industry to ensure Brexit succeeds.

The latest pathetic attempt to undermine the project of Great British renewal came last night during the Eurovision song contest. It seems even in this star studded song contest Brussels is trying to do us down.

“We should remind Eurovision that it needs us more than we need it,” one avid UK fan posted on social media. All the social media. “Without our entry each year the competition would have virtually no interest to anyone. We should leave Eurovision immediately.”

And while patriotic citizens are rightfully enraged over the zero points our fully sovereign, free trading, global powerhouse received, reports suggest there is just a general sense of bafflement within 10 Downing Street.

“That’s nothing unusual,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “There’s always something baffling the occupants. Mostly it’s the wallpaper. Sometimes it’s the pandemic. Today it’s Eurovision. Mr Johnson himself did everything he could to ensure British success.”

The everything appears to have been sending a Royal Navy aircraft carrier to sea to intimidate the EU.

“We’re going to have to start divebombing French fishermen before next year’s competition. Let Brussels see us roar! Assuming the Americans continue to loan us the planes.”

Without the borrowed planes the giant ship is just an admiral’s yacht.

“Maybe that’s the way to win next year? A bit of Gilbert and Sullivan reworked? We are the very model of a fully sovereign, free trading nation, I’ve information vegetable, animal and mineral, I know the Kings of England and quote the fights historical…”

That might do it! Reading the lyrics Gilbert and Sullivan is now clear that is our contemporary time period. Let’s have Boris Johnson dress up as a 19th century admiral and sing at next year’s contest. Then he could truthfully say he did do all he could to ensure the UK’s success, for once.

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Decade long study finds karma is taking its sweet fucking time

TICK TOCK : The Institute for Wellbeing During Times of Madness has concluded today that they need a snappier name. Happily they’ve also revealed the results of a study into karma.

“Karma, as it is understood in Western popular culture, is really slow,” lead researcher Professor Aargh told LCD Views. “In fact there seems to be an inverse relationship operating. The better a person you are, as defined by your concerns for other people and especially people you don’t personally know, the faster karma serves up. The worse an individual under the same criteria, the slower karma approaches.”

The study will not come as a huge shock to anyone living in Brexitannia, given the epic scale of shithousery that has been sprayed over the country for many years now with few of the antagonists suffering any negative fallout.

“I would not get too dispirited,” Professor Aargh advises. “The story of David Cameron tells you that karma will eventually arrive. We suspect the sloth like nature of retribution is because bad actors need to fall out with one another in order to call it down. Good people could achieve the same end but they appear more interested in purity contests, and so don’t organise as a collective until the situation is epically grave.”

The Professor further advises patience with a note of sobriety.

“If a political party refuses to remove bad actors from its ranks than the voters have to do it for them. If the voters refuse to do it then karma is actually visiting them daily in small ways that mount up eventually into an avalanche. Priti Patel is a prime example. GE after GE she is returned to escalate her terrible work when it’s as clear as the nose everyone has cut off their face that she should have been removed from political life long ago.”

The Institute is next going to focus on Rupert Murdoch specifically.

“Look at him, he’s now older than time and rules any country he’s allowed to publish his mind bending hate rags in like the Emperor in Star Wars. This shows an interesting feedback loop. If the people allow a poisoner to daily visit their well then the people will be poisoned. The poisoner thus appears protected. This likely means that whilst everyone wants karma to be their friend, karma is in actuality a bitch.”

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I still sew his name into all his clothes, says Boris Johnson’s mum

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT: Touching news about our much-revered Crime Minister, Little Boris Johnson, emerged this week. His mum let it slip on social media that she still sews a name tape into all his clothing.

The network, MaterFamiliaris, has been described as a NetMummies for posh people. Mrs Johnson joined to fill in the empty hours while Stanley was away flouting travel restrictions or boffing his latest blonde filly.

Other famous people’s mothers are on MaterFamiliaris too. For example, Michael Gove’s mum admits to doing all Michael’s laundry, because his wife is ‘too posh to wash’.

MaterFamiliaris is full of the usual mundane threads. Typical topics of conversation include,’My son was expelled from Eton, how do I cope with the shame?’, ‘The price of pheasant in Harrod’s’, and ‘The best way to hire and fire Nanny’. Hidden among these everyday concerns was the gem ‘My son keeps rejecting me, but I found a solution’.

In this thread Mrs Johnson describes how her son frequently sends back items of clothing. “I have always sewn a name tape into Alexander’s clothing, he’s a right scamp! He is always losing things. I have lost count of the number of pairs of underpants he gets through!”

But, this humorous comment aside, there was a complaint. “He hates it when I use his proper name,” Mrs Johnson writes. “I know most people know him as Boris, but to me he will always be Alexander. So all his name tapes read ‘Alexander B. De P. Johnson’. Often he sends clothes with this name tag back, though funnily enough not the underpants. But I have found a solution!”

At this point the thread ended for several hours, the social media equivalent of a dramatic pause. Finally, she resumed. “And here it is. The latest batch of labels reads ‘Prime Minister’. Not a single garment has returned!”

And it helps to remind Mr Johnson of what he is supposed to be doing all day.

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Priti Patel seen wearing jacket with “Go Home Secretary” label sewn onto it

CLOTHES MAKETH THE FASCIST : STRONG regimes provide stable leadership until they collapse under the weight of their own hate. Happily for Global Britons they are governed by a strong regime.

To signify the might the functionaries of the regime running Brexitannia like a bank transfer service are now sporting eye catching new uniforms. The Prime Minister turned heads yesterday while playing at being an RAF commander, building on the work of his Home Secretary earlier in the week when she took time out of her busy schedule bullying her staff to pose for cameras at an immigration raid. Whether or not the people arrested are found guilty is no reason for one of the most important ministers in the government not to make political hay out of it.

“We’re all very pleased with the uniforms,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It projects the right image to the voting populace. Don’t question the authority. Bow down before the ones you serve. Matt Hancock is getting fitted out for his paramilitary style jacket too, only his will say ‘CARE’ just to really rub the noses of the NHS in it.”

And reports suggest that Priti Patel is already thinking of an upgrade to her upgraded image.

“She’s having another jacket made as Home Secretary is maybe too weak an image. People might take positive associations from seeing home emblazoned on her. So she’s going to make her intentions clear. So it’s not just EU27 au pairs languishing in jail cells at the border who know what we’re about now, thanks to Brexit.”

The new jacket will have “Go Home Secretary” sewn onto it, so no one can be in any doubt about what Global Briton means.

“The voters will soon be given jackets too, but they’ll be a very rough weave and have ‘Serf’ sewn onto them,” the source adds. “This way when you are doing your national service in the soft fruit fields no one can mistake your place in the exciting world of modern feudalism.”

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First ever hormone injected Union Flag to fly over 10 Downing Street

BEEFY : 10 DOWNING STREET are not in the mood today to hear any criticisms over the proposed FTA with the Aussies and what it means for British farms. In fact they’re in a decidedly bullish frame of mind.

“It really is rather tiresome,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “When will farmers get it through their soil encrusted heads that they’re about as much use to us as fisherman now? I mean. Seriously. Boris has got better things to do than listen to them moan about long term feasibility and the ramifications of the government’s short term political expediency. Have you seen the state of that gold wallpaper? Who would have thought using actual gold would make the paper so heavy it won’t stick to the walls? You learn something new every day.”

The farmers have certainly learned something new today. Namely that if a bunch of plummy voiced chancers came by promising you a golden future, the accent shouldn’t let you forget they’re chancers.

“We’re going to move on from the farming farrago now,” the source informs. “We’ve had a special new Union Flag commissioned to celebrate the world beating deal we’ve agreed with the Aussies. Brexit is triumphant! That’s all that is important. Food security can wait. Let’s celebrate!”

The aforementioned flag is certainly impressive and a sign of what British ingenuity can achieve when let loose and separated from the naysayers.

“It’s the first hormone injected flag anywhere in the world to my knowledge,” the source beamed. “It’s so muscly. Do you see the way the meat ripples in the breeze? It’s almost erotic. It’s going to be bloody difficult keeping the hands of passers by off it! And the bonus is if anyone sets fire to it in a protest they’ll just be having a barbecue! Hormones are great! Put some on your plate.”

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Buy British, says government buying Australian

WRAP IT IN A FLAG AND CALL IT BRITISH: The truly patriotic government is encouraging us to buy British beef. At the same time it is plotting to flood our supermarkets with Australian meat.

This is not a problem. “Consumers will always have the choice,” claims the trusty anonymous Downing Street source. “And we will make the choice easier by sticking a Union Jack on packets of meat that we decide are British, wherever the meat originates from.”

How does this give consumers a choice? And is that legal?

“You can always choose to buy British, or go hungry,” said the source. “As for the rest of your question, in my opinion it is not worthy of an answer.”

“The legality of the proposal is an insignificant detail,” confirmed Pack O’Lies, one of Liz Truss’s minions. “If an item – a 500g packet of stewing beef, for example, is in Britain, then it’s British, innit? Simple as that. The flag wrapper merely confirms it!” 

Does the same logic apply to people? Once they are in the country, they count as British? 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” snapped O’Lies. “Foreign means foreign, however many Union Jack t-shirts they wear. Expect a call from Priti Patel’s ethnic cleansing bouncers within the hour.” 

With that, O’Lies abruptly ended the call. 

Brexit has opened up many more exciting opportunities like this. The government has given the green light to exploit the public in a gloriously Imperial way. After all, we conquered Australia, and sent them our people. Therefore, the Aussies are basically Brits, and their country is essentially an extension of England (even New South Wales). This means we win the Ashes every single time, and nobody will notice if cheap and nasty kangaroo meat accidentally enters the food chain.

The only downside is in shipping meat half way around the globe, when we could so easily buy better quality beef from Ireland. But no, that’s pouring money into the coffers of the evil EU.

You can shove it up your Union Jacksie.

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All U.K. farms to close after minister’s mate says on WhatsApp he can supply food with PPE

SOILED SOILS : Downing Street has issued a notice today that all U.K. farms are to close immediately in preference for alternative supplies of food.

Rumours say the startling decision comes off the back of “an offer too good to refuse” which was sent to a cabinet minister via WhatsApp.

The minister concerned hasn’t been identified but it is believed to be the Health Secretary. Mr Hancock has become famous for arranging supplies of vital equipment via the messaging service throughout the pandemic. Whether or the not the price is market rate and the equipment useable isn’t of concern. The same rigour will be applied to transferring taxpayers’ money for food.

“I can confirm that the new supplier of all the food the U.K. needs has carved a tidy and profitable niche for themselves in PPE. It’s a natural extension to move into food.”

It’s further suggested the mystery supplier will receive the contract to supply “all food” uncontested and the deal is worth “Trillions. Enough to buy entire villages worth of Georgian mansions.”

Happily the U.K. consumer will not notice any serious difference from today as “the food will all be packaged in Union Flags and is definitely likely to be edible by something.”

How U.K. farmers will take the news of their immediate redundancy has not been explored because “Brexit has been delivered and they’ve outlived their usefulness.”

Anyone concerned however that the Prime Minister’s food supply may become substandard need not worry as he’ll “continue to receive thousands and thousands of pounds of luxury food delivered to Downing Street as befits a ruling monarch.”

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Downing Street invites Rupert Murdoch to lecture BBC on the ethics of journalism

CALL AN EXPERT : The damning revelations of what a BBC journalist got up to in 1995 have understandably swept all other contemporary scandals off the front pages today, rather than running concurrently.

Gone are the PPE ripoffs. Gone is the letting rip of the Indian variant. Gone is Priti Patel and her desire for jackboots. Gone even is the effort to get Universities to agree that empire period sugar plantations were necessary for the personal development of the “staff”.

10 Downing Street is reported to be so excited over the Bashir findings that its temporary inhabitants are currently wondering how much damage the decades old scandal will do to the BBC? Especially delightful is the thought of how much damage the BBC will do to itself in response. How sharp the hair shirt?

Given how many Tory MPs seem intent on dismantling the public service broadcaster, even after jamming its hierarchy with chums, it’s an understandable point of focus.

Concerns are present however that Auntee may survive this and so no lesser ethics champion than the Prime Minister himself is convening a Star Chamber to decide on what to do, and to ensure the BBC picks up where it left in 1995 and carries on.

“Clearly the BBC has to be praised for the way it has handled Brexit,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “But we really do need to consider if it’s passed time to replace it with Andrew Neil’s new completely impartial news service? You know it. It’s the gammon one. Or maybe we just got the beast and let something more useful wear the hide?”

With that in mind the panel of ethical experts are being called together to advise the BBC on what to do now.

“Mr Johnson has called Mr Murdoch, Lord Rothermere, The Barclays and old Desmond together to advise the BBC on the ethics of journalism. Most importantly, how to avoid them.”