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Michael Gove avoids isolation because “nobody ever goes near him anyway”

UNCLEAN UNCLEAN: Lizard King Michael Gove has managed to avoid self isolation after an overseas junket. But it’s not a case of ‘one rule for us’ this time. The reliably ubiquitous government “source” confirmed this once and for all. 

“Strictly speaking, Mr Gove should be obliged to quarantine himself for 10 days,” said Sourcey McSourceFace. “However, in his case this won’t be necessary. It is well known in government circles that nobody ever goes near him if they can possibly avoid it.” 

Thus a protective ring has been thrown around Michael Gove, of his own creation. One protective ring to rule them all. And we all know about the government’s usual protective rings. 

But this one might actually work. After all, of all the ghouls who haunt the corridors of power, be it Johnson, Farage, Murdoch, Dyson, Tim Wetherspoons, or even Patel, there is none so universally disliked as Michael Gove. 

“Even his nearest and dearest tend to avoid him,” continued the source. “And it is as yet unknown whether his reptilian DNA protects him from covid. In any case, he only comes out at night, when everybody knows viruses sleep.” 

So we are back to following the science. 

On which, new government guidance issued today recommends that the British People should not attempt to mate with cold-blooded predators in order to protect their offspring from disease. 

Already there is a movement calling itself #AllReptilesMatter, which fights for the right to display sexual attraction towards reptiles. They have organised a protest march in London. Although some members who have a thing for crocodiles may not attend due to having been eaten by a crocodile. Michael Gove’s wife and children are expected to attend. 

“Normal rules do not apply to Michael Gove,” concluded the source, merely confirming what everybody suspected anyway. 

If you happen to encounter Mr Gove, DO NOT APPROACH HIM UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. 

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Calls for inquiry to reveal how much CV-19 has donated to Conservative Party

TANTRIC PANDEMIC : A cross party group of incensed MPs have called today for an inquiry into how much money CV-19 has donated to the governing Conservatives.

The call comes on the back of an anticipated sixteenth wave of the virus which has been shouting its intentions for weeks, and been largely ignored by Downing Street. Some are even saying not just ignored but actively encouraged, given what extending the plague means financially to people who have Matt’s WhatsApp.

“It’s well known figures linked to cabinet ministers have absolutely smashed it financially during the pandemic,” one of the MPs stated. “It would be nice to know where all the money is coming from. Given there is no money to educate or feed poor kids the cash for non-existent PPE contracts has to be coming from somewhere? It can’t all just be off the back of selling peerages. Maybe the viral strands of RNA are donating if? Not just donating. Throwing it at Tories by the truckload?”

Critics have pointed out though that the inquiry is unnecessary as like everything else the corrupt and useless Grim Reaper does off the back of his 80 seat majority is bleeding obvious.

Downing Street is expected to resist the calls to hold the inquiry as they are rumoured to be too busy trying to work out which donor paid for the golden calf which has been installed inside the PM’s office.

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Downing Street to publish updated price list for peerages

PEERLESS PEERAGES : 10 Downing Street has reacted to the minor storm in a shitcup that is peerages today by publishing a price list.

The list will list (unsurprisingly) all the minor and major gongs and what they cost, and which major currencies are accepted.

Happily though peerages can be bought under “other means of exchange” whereby middling, underachieving individuals who are seething with unjustified resentment at the achievements of more talented colleagues can achieve fancy titles if they whore themselves out morally in the service of modern feudalism and mammon.

“The bonus for those types is they don’t even have to apply. We will identify them via psychometrics and offer them titled advancement so long as they are willing to be lackeys for the chaos engine. Easy,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“For others though it is no longer sufficient to just let the free market in titles decide the cost. We’ve gone all crazy socialist and intervened to bring fairness and stability to the market. A level playing field wherein anyone with vast wealth can achieve the title of their dreams. Which is reassuringly conservative.”

Although the more upfront and honest approach to honours under the Johnson government is to be welcomed, some have expressed concerns regarding the weakening of the democratic validity of the upper House of Parliament.

“You do realise it’s entirely unelected?” the Downing Street source replied. “Which is exactly how we like it, otherwise chums like Goldsmith wouldn’t have gotten a peerage.”

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BREAKING : Government to provide all pupils with £50 voucher to spend at Wetherspoons

THE FOOL UNDER WATER : While those who would live under a nanny state are busying themselves wondering how to catch up lost school time for the nation’s pupils, and achieving nothing, the Prime Minister is already inaction.

“Two birds with one stone,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “That’s what the PM has called his plan to sort out the lagging attainment levels in the English school system. We had to do something, the last Labour government has made such a god awful mess of this pandemic. It’s been much more severe and lasted a hell of a lot longer than it needed to. Gordon Brown has a lot to answer for. Happily Mr Johnson has now taken personal control.”

The solution is double pronged and takes advantage of the natural, societal education system which exists within the country by default.

“We have the University of Life already. Sadly many younger people seem keen to avoid this famous British education system, even though there’s a campus on most English high streets.”

The source is of course referring to the thousands of outlets of Wetherspoons pubs.

“Tim Martin has been moaning at the PM about lost profits and missing staff. That’s the second bird in the one stone strategy. All school age children from infants to secondary will be given a £50 voucher to spend at Wetherspoons. This will allow them to catch up on the most important curriculum of all, life, and boost Mr Martin’s flagging profits. If there’s insufficient staff at any campus, due to Europeans being famously workshy, the students can pour their own pints thus gaining valuable work experience in the only industry guaranteed to survive Brexit. Pubs.”

Questions regarding what to do with students reluctant to attend catch up lessons on Wetherspoons campuses are also easily answered.

“We’re planning to reintroduce national service to ensure there’s a surplus in the soft fruit picking labour market. This can be extended to working in Martin’s pubs also. Mr Johnson really has thought of everything. When it comes to paying back supporters of Brexit no expense is spared.”

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Woman celebrates finding a penny after burning handfuls of £50 notes

PHOENIX FROM THE FLAMES: A woman who torched a whole bundle of £50 notes today was overjoyed when she spotted, amongst the smouldering ashes, a shiny penny. 

The woman, whom we shall call Liz Truss (since it was she), was so pleased with herself that she went straight to the shops to buy something World Beating in a Union Jack wrapper. 

This is unrelated to the news that Truss also revealed a stonking new example of inward investment. A new factory is being set up, for the price of a PPE contract. Up to 50 jobs will be created, possibly far fewer, to make ketchup, which is a pungent and violently red sauce used to disguise the flavour of post-Brexit Great British Cuisine. 

This will be of great interest to at least two groups of people.

Firstly, the redundant fishermen and farmers whose industries are no longer viable. This has come about after the EU, or Evil Empire Mark 2, decided to impose the rules the UK became subject to the moment it decided to leave.

These patriotic souls will be delighted to retrain as red sauce makers. It beats being a cyber ballerina any day. 

The second group is the Bullingdon Club, who might just have found a new member. Even if she is totty. It takes some balls to burn a handful of fifties in front of a homeless country. 

When Truss returns from spending a penny (let’s hope she washes her hands) Global Britain will, once again, take its place at the head of the world table. After all, burning money is God’s way of showing the world just how superior the British are. 

Meanwhile let’s break out our Liz Truss favourite pork and cheese, well what little we can afford. Now is not the time to worry about piles of money going up in flames. After all, we do have a penny. 

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Downing Street move 21st June 2021 back to September so ”irreversible” reopening occurs on schedule

DATES NOT DATA SILLY : Downing Street has moved to reassure Global Britons that the long anticipated reopening of England will occur on schedule, in the face of concerns that rising variant caseloads make 21st June untenable.

“The Prime Minister declared at the start of this year when he unveiled his roadmap out of his avoidable pandemic that June 21st was immovable,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman reminded the nation. “He meant it just as forcefully as a wedding vow. It is immovable as the date for complete ending of lockdown restrictions. The actual date itself, 21st June, is clearly completely tactile and can occur wherever and whenever we choose thanks to the arbitrary nature of human interpretations of time itself.”

When June 21st will occur is still the focus of debate as there are a number of rebellious Tory MPs who just do not care who lives or dies. Zero concern. Just there as taxpayer funded servants of international tax evaders. Your sacrifice is appreciated.

”Sometime in July would clearly be preferable for June 21st 2021, although August and September are also under consideration. It all depends on the complex interaction of pisspoor governance and the NHS making up for our shortcomings with an accelerating vaccination programme.”

People who have already booked holidays beginning on June 21st are reassured they will still occur.

“If you did trust our roadmap you’re impressively optimistic!” the spokesman chortled. “You can still take that holiday booked for June 21st. I would guess the day after September 30th as June 21st occurring then interferes neither with September or plans for an October lockdown. Just be aware if you have days booked following June 21st in June you’ll need to rebook them to occur on June 21st also.”

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Plans for “miracle birth” underneath “weeping Churchill statue” given green light to combat falling polls

JUST ONE MORE PUSH : Downing Street is said to have given the green light to plans to have the PM’s mistress turned next ex-wife experience a second miracle birth.

The dramatic and impressive planning is said to have been in the works for sometime and ready to go in response to any significant downward shift in polling.

Last week’s historical testimony from former poll fluffer Dominic Cummings is thought to be behind the decision to stage the miracle birth “ASAP”.

“We’ve already pulled off the revenge wedding, but surprisingly the latest marriage of a serial adulterer who leaves fatherless children in his wake to the woman who decided to become his mistress when his wife at the time was undergoing treatment for cancer hasn’t set the nation’s pulses racing. Which is a surprise.”

The birth will occur at dawn any day now just as soon as “the special effects company engaged on a confidential basis” has rigged the central London Churchill statue to cry tears of blue, red and white at the same time.

The spectacle is thought to further the PM’s aim of eventually becoming a saint after his completely uncynical conversion to the Catholic faith.

“Hopefully we can pull off the trifecta and have a spitfire fly over the moment the miracle occurs. This should see polling secured for months to come, regardless of how many people perish in the next avoidable wave.”

The only sour note appears to be within the parliamentary Tory party itself with dozens of incredibly thick cannon fodder MPs unable to grasp that “green light” means given the go ahead and not the colour of the lighting that will be used during the sound and light spectacle.

“The PM will met with Francois, Bridgen and all the other planks later today to explain the situation. He has not gone work and green. It’s just a turn of phrase. It is hoped after that they will establish a bogus research group and further milk some taxpayer’s money to explore the difference. And no one will discuss the pandemic body count.”

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Home Office demands social media companies provide range of “illegal refugee” emojis

GLOBAL BRITISH VALUES : The Home Office is rumoured to be “on the warpath” and “furious” at the discovery social media companies have not yet provided illegal refugee emojis.

The reluctance of the major social media outfits to provide the desired anti-woke hieroglyphics is thought to be a “repression of freedom of speech” for the Home Secretary and anyone too scared to not follow her orders.

“How is Priti Patel supposed to compete for attention with the simplistic tweets of Brexit superstar Liz Truss without the full range of pictograms appropriate to her work? She loves her work. She’s very passionate about it. This is an unacceptable situation which needs immediate redress or some tech nerd is getting a wedgie and then deported,” a fabricated, leaked internal memo is said to demand.

“Yes there are Union Flag emojis but the supply of those is currently limited as they are produced confidentially on a just in time basis at an EU27 firm.”

Plans to move production to a domestic facility have faltered after the only production site suitable in England was bulldozed to make way for an inland border facility.

There are further rumours that the Home Secretary is pressuring the Exchequer for an increase in budget in order to develop the range of emojis in-house.

“We will find out who to bully and bribe to get the emojis online swiftly. Donald Trump has said they already exist on his platform but no one can find out where that is.”

But there is said to be help coming from the very top of the UK’s government.

“The Prime Minister has dozens of empty wine crates left over from the weekend’s revenge wedding. He has said he will personally make the emojis out of them just as soon as he can get the right coloured paints.”

The need to increase the obvious racism of U.K. Government domestic communications has been made clear in recent days by the dramatic drop in the polling of the Prime Minister.

“Our base need to know we are there for their needs and no one else’s.”

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Downing Street concerned latest Johnson marriage won’t distract U.K. for longer than “days”

BORRIENATION STREET : 10 DOWNING STREET LEAKS suggest today that the viral Prime Minister and his former mistress are concerned their nuptials may not distract U.K. press for longer than a few days.

”The last thing we need is everyone going back to reporting on Cummings stating the bleeding obvious about the catastrophic mismanagement of the pandemic,” a make believe scribbled note seen by media reads.

“Or Brexit. We can’t have people talking about Kent and the climate change disaster that it now is being full of idling trucks and floodlit 24/7. Never mind how we’re effectively paying the fishermen to be silent. Farmers next. Then hauliers. How much will it cost to shut up the country sector by sector? More than a shiny new boat.”

Obviously the priority is that everyone is happy so that Mr Johnson and his current wife can enjoy some much needed rest after the rushed wedding.

“We’re considering triggering the mass distraction contingency planning. Demolishing the Houses of Parliament to make way for a coliseum will buy a few days grace. This will lead to radical criminal justice reforms as the sentence for every crime will become gladiatorial combat. Maybe also a second miracle birth for Carrie. We got away with the first one. Happily there’s a few to choose from. I personally favour staging the Churchill shrine weeping blue, white and red tears.”

It’s not yet clear which path will be chosen. The decision is likely to be too late and last minute as that concentrates attention on Mr Johnson.

“The key point to remember is not 150,000 avoidable dead. It’s that the prime minister is no more and no less than a celebrity newspaper columnist. As long as we’re all focused on his preventable disasters than in his mind he’s a success.”

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Spitfires to fly over Kent Brexit lorry parks at night to cheer up local residents

LOOK UP IN THE SKY IT’S BREXIT BENEFITS : The residents of Kent are rightfully proud to have added the new title of “England’s Carpark” to the boring old one that was “The Garden of England”.

All you have to do now to see the justification of the new handle is drive on the motorways of Kent and look for the signs to the Inland Customs Facilities which have sprung up like a tribute to a bygone, and more wholesome age.

It is fair to say too that without the good people of Thanet dutifully returning joke MEP candidate Nigel Farage to the EU Parliament, undemocratic election after undemocratic election, Brexit may not even have happened. So it’s right they are benefiting before everyone else.

“It’s been a building boom,” a local resident, whose flower bed now provides temporary homes for trucks, told LCD Views. “Thankfully all the building is flat concrete so it is not obscuring the views.”

The views are important day and night. Happily near half of the Kent electricity supply is now consumed just illuminating the lorry parks after dark.

”This is when the problems start,” the resident did admit. “Sometimes whoever is responsible for turning on the banks of floodlights is a little slow to flick the switch and we almost lose sight of the banks of lorries and trucks. It’s not good enough. I blame the EU of course.”

Others are also upset because apparently stars no longer exist in the Kent sky at night.

Mercifully Downing Street has been alerted and has become alarmed. Morale in the Carpark of England is not taken for granted, even if they now have the distinction of the Kent Access Border Permits. A distinction you have to go as far as Northern Ireland to best.

“We’re taking steps to cheer everyone up,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Clearly the PM has no plans to resume a closer trading position with our nearest neighbours. Quite the reverse. But he’s got just the thing to cheer up patriots.”

Spitfire flypasts.

“From now to eternity each and every dusk a squadron of Spitfires will crisscross the Kent sky. Just look up and enjoy their fuselages lit up by the Lorry Park lights and enjoy the patriotic purr of the powerful engines.”

Which is nice.