LCD Views

G YOURSELF UP : The United Kingdom is to follow its world beating success at hosting the recent G7 summit in Cornwall by hosting the first ever G1 next month.

It’s believed Prime Minister Boris Johnson will announce this evening the timing of the G1 after he informs the great British public that full lockdown easing will be delayed for four weeks because “he screwed up the pandemic plan by just not caring overly much about public health, again.”

The date the G1 begins will be on “Freedom Day” as that is felt most appropriate to really showcase post Brexit Britain to the British press. Only the Great British press will be invited to the event to ensure client journalists turn up and not some pesky foreign types intent on undermining Brexit by talking Britain down. For this purpose Channel 4 will be classed as foreign press and moved to immigration detention in Kent.

“The G1 will show the entire world the extend of Global Britain’s influence,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “Only inviting ourselves will send a strong and unequivocal message to foreigners about who is best. Also how we intend to take advantage of the newfound freedoms made available by reclaiming our sovereignty.”

The summit will feature all the same high points as the recent G7 with the addition of a series of domestic announcements.

“Boris Johnson will agree to outlaw the use of metric with himself and the imposition of imperial for all important measurements. Especially sausages and bananas.”

The conclusion of the summit will also mirror the triumphant closure of the G7 with the PM swimming in the sea on his own.

“Only this time he will keep swimming towards the horizon where a submarine will surface and collect him. He will never be seen again but it’s okay, as Carrie will then reign in his place instead to ensure strong and stable government from 55 Tufton Street continues unimpeded.”

The nationality of the submarine hasn’t been revealed but it’s believed it will be “Russian”.

FULL METAL SPAFFET : Reports are breaking of “alarm” and “scenes of disarray” in 10 Downing Street after the G7 summit concluded in Cornwall without Boris Johnson making any new friends.

It was assumed that the powerhouse British PM would be able to charm and “baffle with bullshit” some of the most powerful people on Earth once he got them alone and “hammered”. Not so.

“THERE IS NO PLAN B!” a panicked 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Well there is. But he makes music. There is no plan B in Downing Street to get our own way internationally other than having Johnson talk a load of cobblers. What will we do? We can’t start a war to distract the domestic voters without the yanks and they hate us!”

Exactly how Mr Johnson’s famous bonhomie and ability to construct endless word salads didn’t impact forcefully on the other leaders is a puzzle that will need to be solved fast.

“It was guaranteed to succeed. Johnson shambling around with a fixed grin and play acting the role of a Charlie Chaplin character mashed into a C-grade Churchill impersonation. How did it not pierce the mental armour of some of the world’s most focused and detail orientated leaders? Complete mystery. He didn’t even pull at the after party! Total catastrophe. He had to go home with his wife! And he only married her because otherwise she couldn’t be involved in the photo shoots. It’s ALL FOR NOTHING!”

The one consolation is that while international relations maybe more difficult, now that the other leaders have met Johnson in person, he can rely on domestic tabloids proclaiming the summit as a triumph for Brexit Britain.

“We do at least have that. No one in the U.K. will see the event as anything other than a total triumph for the old fraudevillian.”

THE POWER OF DUMB : The United Kingdom’s last Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has had a cracking week hosting a select group of world leaders in Cornwall.

“It’s been amazing,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Mr Johnson met with a selection of leaders of some of the world’s most prominent representative democracies. We’re not sure if he learned anything from them as they’re to a man girly swots, but he had a lot of fun playing on the beach.”

While there were plenty of smiles for the cameras it wasn’t all fun and games.

“It was a little slow if I’m honest,” the source continues, “Boris is used to being invited to rather more rambunctious parties. In Italian hills at villas owned by friendly foreign chaps. What happens at the villa stays at the villa. Still, the biggest guy at the party, Joe, brought his wife along and she got in great with Boris’s current wife. Carrie and Boris only got married recently because some American guy rang up and said about forget the photo shoots with your girlfriend. Mrs Johnson must be present. Which was nice. Gave them the shove they needed to make things official.”

The most fun though was when Mr Johnson had all the others as a captive audience and was able to perform his improv act for them.

“That was a total giggle. All those stuffed shirts having to sit there while Boris just said the first thing that came into his head. Completely Churchillian. Especially the end where he reminded them that just like in WW2 they need us more than we need them!”

BANANA REPUBLIC ON SEA : FANTASTIC NEWS FOR THE WESTMINSTER CONSTITENCY OF UXBRIDGE AND SOUTH RUISLIP TODAY with overnight reports of a potential coup.

The idea of toppling the UK’s dangerous joke of a Prime Minister was first floated in the White House late last year, but was put on the backburner after dangerous joke President Donald Trump attempted his own coup at home.

“With Trump safely barricaded and going steadily insane in Florida, vaccinations at pace across the USA and the US economy on the upturn the President now has time to consider other pressing matters,” a White House insider tells LCD Views. “Like what to do about perfidious Albion?”

What to do appears to be reach back into the classic US foreign policy playbook of the later half of the 20th Century.

“The President has ordered the CIA to work up plans to destabilise and ultimately topple Boris Johnson. One would have expected a democracy of the age of Britain’s to have a political class capable of doing it, but it does not seem so.”

Clearly the need to remove Mr Johnson is obvious, with his entire government repeatedly breaking the law and undermining the Western alliance. But it seems the extraordinary measure was triggered by something more basic.

“Did you see him yesterday? Doing his cartoon act next to the President and Dr Biden? It was all they could do to keep smiling. Embarrassing is not the word. You know when you become President you’re going to have to publicly put up with some nonsense to get the job done in private. But photoshoots with Boris Johnson and his current wife? Once is definitely enough.”

DO WHAT YOU LOVE BEST : Alarming news from Cornwall this morning with unconfirmed reports that Priti Patel has gone even more rogue than she was already.

Shortly before dawn a fleet of Home Office immigration enforcement vans were seen driving at speed towards the Tregenna Castle Resort where the G7 leaders are staying. It appears English police just waved them through as the Home Secretary herself was leading the raid and “cackling like a mad woman in a horror film”.

“It’s understood the Home Secretary just couldn’t take the thought of an influx of foreigners from many countries all arriving at once and being housed in style and feed at THE GREAT BRITISH TAXPAYERS’ EXPENSE!”

It’s not sure how the seizure of some of the most powerful people in the world will play across the tabloids, but it’s likely Rupert Murdoch won’t mind.

“The undocumented, illegal migrants are now being held in secure accommodation in Kent,” a Home Office statement reads. “The accommodation is definitely fit for human habitation with the series of rotating blades and pits of adders designed by Ms Patel personally.”

It’s not entirely clear how the global community will take the hostile act by Ms Patel, but it is believed she will have the backing of the Tory Party.

“The Conservative Party had no plan B for if Donald Trump lost the US election. Most of them are so far gone they’ll think this is genius and Trump will now stage a comeback.”

The one leader who it seems escaped the raid was New York born Boris Johnson who is said to have climbed out of his bedroom window and climbed down some old ivy hours before the raid.

“They’re saying he spied a blonde woman a few hundreds metres away and ran off to try and start a family with her. Lucky escape.”