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Boris Johnson said to be “actively looking” for a second Brexit Deal to take as a “mistress”

SCREWING AROUND LIKE ALWAYS : The UK’s world beating Prime Minister Boris Johnson is said to be actively looking for a second Brexit Deal to take as a mistress.

Rumours from inside 10 Downing Street suggest Mr Johnson is already “bored to death” with the deal he negotiated with the European Union and feels he has “shagged the life out of it and now wants something new and spicy”.

How exactly Mr Johnson expects to bring his “personal flair for infidelity” into the realm of legally binding agreements between the UK and the EU is not clear, but it’s assumed he’ll just “ignore all his promises and responsibilities like usual”.

The belief appears to be he can start up a clandestine relationship with another Brexit Deal and then sooner or later discard the current one and all its issues like NI and emptying supermarket shelves.

“It’s certain the pliant, largely courtier UK press will accept Mr Johnson’s betrayal of the Brexit Deal without comment,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “They’ll probably even pretend there’s nothing slightly off about it if he boots the current Brexit Deal right out the door, even though it’s currently receiving treatment, and moves the New Brexit Deal into his bedroom. Just Boris being Boris! What a funny old fellow is Boris.”

The EU is said to be prepared for this but will keep its current position that the courtship which led to Mr Johnson marrying himself to the current Brexit Deal was so “eye-wateringly, ball-achingly irritating for all involved” that they are hardly just going to abandon it on Mr Johnson’s whim and pretend the mistress agreement is legitimate.

“The EU can go whistle,” the source adds. “If Mr Johnson wants to break his word and abandon his commitments that’s his business and nobody else’s.”

The CPTPP is thought to be Mr Johnson’s favourite to screw around with but there are difficulties involved.

“It’s half a world away and his failure to control the pandemic means getting to it and shafting it in secret is difficult in the current era of travel restrictions.”

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Downing Street bans Union Flag flying in Batley & Spen for one week to “punish them for by election”

HARD RAIN : Downing Street is said to be expecting a “tense and explosive” atmosphere today when the Prime Minister wakes up for lunch and learns of the Batley and Spen by election loss.

Aides to the PM are said to be drawing up a list of punishments for the constituency after the promise to fund something something something failed to secure sufficient votes to put another nodding dog in the House of Commons for the Conservatives.

“We’re doubly baffled. We had that idiot in the hat and the other guy who makes video blogs campaigning against Labour too, but somehow Jo Cox’s sister still beat us. Maybe we didn’t mention the vaccine roll out enough on the doorstep? Maybe the mistake is allowing by elections we might lose to take place at all? Did Libdem and Green voters betray us in numbers sufficient to steal the election? Something will have to be done. This is not the parliamentary democracy we staged a right wing coup for,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

Exactly who will wake the Prime Minister and tell him of the loss is yet to be decided. It’s likely Mr Johnson’s current wife will put all the names of the SPADs in a hat and then draw one out.

“The constituency will pay, you can be sure of it,” the source adds. “Personally I prefer letting Trident have at them. Let’s just remove the constituency from the board with a mushroom cloud. That would be a sufficient warning to other areas thinking of doing the same.”

The most likely punishment though will be more patriotic.

“Gove wants to ban them flying the Union Flag for a week. That’s something that would really hurt a modern potatriot. We’ll probably go with that. Imagine the look on the Spen kids faces when they have to take a remote lesson at home, due to the pandemic bubble bursting, and there’s no Union Flag behind their teacher on zoom? Ouch!”

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Rishi Sunak says he got a puppy so the death of the U.K. financial sector doesn’t matter

MONEY IS FUNNY : The biggest news in Brexitannia so far this week is that the Chancellor of the Exchequer Rishi “Dishy” Sunak has a puppy!

The dog who may or may not spend quality time with the UK’s architect of ‘Eat Out To Help Out’, the delay to last year’s winter lockdown and something fishy about David Cameron and lobbying. But the dog won’t mind, even if someone is hired to look after him the majority of his life he’ll get to see Sunak for bi-annual photo shoots.

“The dog is just amazing,” an aide to the Chancellor told LCD Views. “He is toilet trained! Which is more than you can say for most of the cabinet. Although they can nod and heel on command.”

The arrival of the dog also has benefits for everyone in the UK.

“No one is going to care about the unwinding of pandemic financial support in the age of Brexit now they know that Rishi has a dog,” the aide continued. “My entire family has just come down with the killer plague, which walked in our doors from school, but who cares? Rishi has a puppy! I’ll think of that when I’m monitoring my blood oxygen levels later and smile.”

And the benefits of Sunak getting a dog don’t stop there.

“The stubborn EU have got a finger in the eye! Rishi couldn’t have purchased a pedigree pup if we hadn’t got Brexit done.”

The puppy also deals with the niggling news today that the UK government have failed to secure a deal on access for the UK’s financial sector to the biggest trading bloc on Earth.

“Who cares if the UK’s financial sector withers down to firms solely considered with efficient tax arrangements, and the tax take is lower, and austerity needs to return. Rishi has a dog!”

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Death Star shock – ‘Tax avoidance scheme got out of hand’ says Vader

In an exclusive interview with lcdviews today, Lord Darth Vader made the staggering claim that the Death Star was originally nothing more than a plan to avoid tax. ‘It all began long ago in a far away galaxy when some of the richest men on a planet called Earth came up with what they thought would be a tax-loss generating idea whereby they’d build space ships solely for the shits and giggles.’

Apparently, the three men, now known only by their warrior names Amazon, Virgin and Elon the Strange, were approached by a wise accountant who suggested that relocating their sources of great riches ‘off-planet’ would put profits beyond the reach of any terrestrial tax regime. The accountant, whose name has been lost in the mists of time, said, ‘Zero taxes you will incur, if your cards right you play.’

Lord Vader continued, ‘After that it was a short step to building firstly a space station so that the three could spend the requisite time off-planet, and then to adding the little luxuries such as a swimming pool, Michelin starred restaurant, five star hotel, artificial ski slope and interplanetary death rays. This last innovation was a very useful addition to the scheme as it meant that not only did they avoid tax, but they were also able to charge it. Earth of course challenged this in the Courts but by obliterating a couple of minor countries, the new state, or ‘Empire plc’ as it became to be known, persuaded the Judges that they had a point.

Over the following millennia, the artificial planet grew and under careful management diversified from top end tourism for Earthlings to galactic domination. ‘One of the fundamentals of good business is to recognise the need for change,’ said Vader, ‘and to acquire and divest as appropriate. It is sad but inevitable that we had to divest a few planets on the way but we are were we are.’

Asked about rebel shareholders, Vader, after a few moments, produced from his cloak a strange looking object. ‘Have you seen my new cigarette lighter?’ he said.

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Williamson to ban mobiles in schools so kids can’t text each other to say they have Covid

IGNORANCE IS BLISS : The UK’s most famous “Runner Up Fireplace Salesman of the Month 2001” Gavin Williamson is looking to ban the use of mobile phones in state schools.

The motivation is presumed to be to distract from his appalling record as Education Secretary, which has surprised many as he keeps a whip on his desk.

It was initially thought that Mr Williamson’s pet tarantula could tour all state schools in England in a “show of force” to improve class discipline, but removing a vital, modern tool was settled upon as a much better deflection from the “natural herd immunity in schools” policy that is helping to British children win the war on the virus.

It’s not only class discipline that suffers when mobile phones are allowed onto school premises, it’s also respect for the children’s betters.

“All these poor children sharing memes mocking Gav? It’s not on,” an aide to Mr Williamson said. “If the Education Secretary can’t inspire fear how can he govern? Starving poor kids was an excellent part of this policy mix, but some bloody footballer stuffed that up.”

While class discipline is undoubtedly now a serious problem, some would suggest that Mr Williamson’s government’s catastrophic management of the pandemic is to blame and not phones.

“We have to get rid of school bubbles too. They kept bursting and alerting everyone to how we’re letting Delta rip through schools. It’s creating alarm. If people don’t know they’re at risk of catching the plague they won’t get tested. Fewer tests taken mean a lower case load. It’s just sensible governance.”

And while all of this is sound and sensible one or two critics are suggesting there’s a reason other than discipline behind the move to ban phones.

“If kids don’t have phones they can’t text each other to say they have Covid. They’ll have to meet up in person to do it. It’s genius.”

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Sajid Javid to appoint a mistress “in the near future”

GETTING YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT: Freshly minted Health Secretary Sajid Javid has promised to carry on his predecessor’s great work. Accordingly, one of his first acts will be to recruit a mistress.

This is not just world beating, but follows the noble precedent set by Boris Johnson. Bonking Boris’ immediate priority on becoming PM was to install his own personal harem, so that he was never more than half an hour away from a generously proportioned blonde filly.

Hancock too recruited a lover. “This is only to be expected,” remarked political commentator Deepa Harder. “Our MPs lead busy lives, and it is actually de rigeur that they play away when they are away from their other half. Work hard, bonk hard, that’s the unwritten rule. There is a ministerial Philandering Fund to help busy, irresponsible MPs to get their end away.”

A Freedom of Information request revealed that Javid has applied for the full amount available. “He is hoping to get on the job, I mean, get on with the job, as soon as possible,” Harder reveals. “There are plenty of well-connected married women wanting a bit on the side, I mean, a bit of extra pocket money, for 15 days work a year. That amounts to an hour’s bonking every day, so really it’s a win-win situation.”

And it’s not just women who are queueing up to take advantage of the loosening of standards in public office.

“There are literally hundreds of thrusting young men bursting at the chance of a Westminster internship,” reveals Harder. “Most seem quite happy to satisfy the urges of the likes of Liz Truss, for example, or Priti Patel, in order to experience the corridors of power. There are even some who are quite happy to take on Michael Gove.”

So once this appointment has been made, in the near future, The Saj can get on with his real task of screwing the NHS.

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“Boris Johnson’s Affairs – CCTV Footage” turned into 12 part series for streaming service

WHERE YOU LEAD THEY FOLLOW : GREAT NEWS for fans of Tory sex scandals and extramarital affairs with the announcement that footage of Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s infidelities, dalliances, drunken scrums and affairs are being turned into a series.

“Bonkfix is thrilled to announcement we have secured the rights to all the CCTV footage across decades and from entities both domestic and foreign,” Mr Custard, CEO of Bonkfix, told LCD Views. “The series will be live just as soon as we have put it all into chronological order and added sued to use the Benny Hill soundtrack.”

It is well known that the UK allowed a serial love rat to become Prime Minister, even going so far as to allow him to move his mistress at the time into 10 Downing Street.

“Mr Johnson couldn’t have behaved and risen to power as he has in many countries. We’re just lucky to have an entertainer in chief in 10 Downing Street and a pliant press owned by offshore billionaires who see advantage in that,” Mr Custard added.

The 12 episodes in Season One are all movie length and will feature content that will struggle to a PG rating.

“You think Matt Hancock playing away from home, in the office, at public expense and being filmed is something, just wait until you get an eye full of Mr Johnson. You’ll need an icepack ready for what are certain to be strained eyes.”

Episode is Titled “Arcuri and Technology” and will be certain to feature flags and potentially some shags!

“It’s just a shame Mr Johnson is so compromised himself,” Mr Custard muses, “we have been waiting for several years to do a new season of our award winning hit ‘Great British Ministerial Resignations!’, but no one gets sacked for anything anymore. No matter the scale of public harm or ethical abyss, unless they upset the PM’s missus.”

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Downing Street to make it law for every U.K. resident to say “Brexit is going great”, daily

SING WHEN YOU’RE WINNING : 10 DOWNING STREET is to act today over a recent NoGov poll which reveals that even a lot of Brexiters do not think Brexit is going very well. This is a serious concern because it suggests that Brexit maybe finally rubbing shoulders with reality. It’s well known that is something Brexit can not survive.

While support for the idea of punching ourselves repeatedly in the face, at national and international level, remains reasonably high, the actual implementation of the great dream of Empire 2.0 is viewed less and less favourably.

“It’s important for government to act swiftly to address such concerns. Everyone knows that the narrative in the public’s mind is what matters, not reality,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“We’ll be using our sovereign powers to address this one,” the source continues. “We love all the unfettered power parliament has gifted the executive. It makes governing much, much easier. Democracy is normally such a messy business. Not under Boris!”

Happily correcting the public’s perception of how Brexit is working out will be straightforward. School children are already doing their part by having a national sing a long about how fantastic life in the UK is, without or without access to food.

“We’ll also pass a law ordering everyone to say Brexit is going great. It will be a daily exercise. Just post it on any of your social media accounts. It used to be enough to have an army of paid trolls and bots saying it, but now we need you to play your part. Get into practice today or your access to food rations maybe affected tomorrow.”

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Downing Street to make it law for every U.K. resident to say “Brexit is going great”, daily

SING WHEN YOU’RE WINNING : 10 DOWNING STREET is to act today over a recent NoGov poll which reveals that even a lot of Brexiters do not think Brexit is going very well. This is a serious concern because it suggests that Brexit maybe finally rubbing shoulders with reality. It’s well known that is something Brexit can not survive.

While support for the idea of punching ourselves repeatedly in the face, at national and international level, remains reasonably high, the actual implementation of the great dream of Empire 2.0 is viewed less and less favourably.

“It’s important for government to act swiftly to address such concerns. Everyone knows that the narrative in the public’s mind is what matters, not reality,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“We’ll be using our sovereign powers to address this one,” the source continues. “We love all the unfettered power parliament has gifted the executive. It makes governing much, much easier. Democracy is normally such a messy business. Not under Boris!”

Happily correcting the public’s perception of how Brexit is working out will be straightforward. School children are already doing their part by having a national sing a long about how fantastic life in the UK is, without or without access to food.

“We’ll also pass a law ordering everyone to say Brexit is going great. It will be a daily exercise. Just post it on any of your social media accounts. It used to be enough to have an army of paid trolls and bots saying it, but now we need you to play your part. Get into practice today or your access to food rations maybe affected tomorrow.”

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EU to introduce peerages so Lord Frost has to negotiate with a Duke

PEERLESS : The UK’s current post-Brexit Brexit negotiator Lord Frost is about to discover that two can play the peerage game.

So far it has worked out wonderfully well for the English nationalist team to enable a mediocre knob desperate for status and send him to Brussels. But it seems the wily Continentals have now cottoned on to how Lord Frost keeps getting them to delay the full consequences of the deal negotiated by Lord Frost.

“They’ve set up a system of peerages themselves,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “It’s going to be a sticky wicket the next time Frosty goes into bat against Barnier, or whoever it is he talks to these days. The Daily Mail is going to have a field day at least, railing against unelected privilege and the cost to the taxpayer.”

No tabloid fury will help Lord Frost on the sticky wicket though when he’s faced with Duke Barnier and Duchess von der Leyen. He’s liable to wilt a little in the pressure.

“You can’t go higher on the tree until you start bumping into the Royals’ knees. This is a disaster. The only way through we can see is to have the House of Commons vote to abolish the monarchy and re-institute it with Boris and Carrie as King and Queen. Then they can adopt Frost and make him Prince Frost. It’s a bit extreme, but what else can they do?”

In the interim it’s anticipated that Lord Frost will be doubled up and become Lord-Lord Frost, which should buy some time to smuggle more dodgy sausage meat into Northern Ireland.

“We won’t have those unelected bureaucrats outsmarting our unelected bureaucrat,” the source adds, “the Queen will understand. Boris will explain it to her in Ancient Greek the next time they meet.”