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PM to pick fight with Brussels to distract from culture war blowback which was distracting from pandemic

SPINNING PLATES FOR BRITAIN : GREAT NEWS from 10 Downing Street today that normality is set to return to life in the United Kingdom with the overnight decision to pick a new fight with Brussels.

Warships are expected to be deployed shortly to somewhere, anywhere really just as soon as it has been decided what fight to start.

“Maybe we’ll just renew one of the old ones,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “Although that’s getting a bit tricky as we’re paying the fishermen and farmers to shut up about the harm Brexit is doing to them. We may have to go with something to do with vaccines, but we made such a fuss over that already and it’s blown up a little in our faces too, now that we’re falling behind. We wanted to accuse them of throttling the supply of pallets to the country, but then our supporters in NI burned all of them. Government is getting harder by the day! Never mind I’m sure Boris and Frosty can think of something over a late champagne breakfast. Just as soon as Carrie wakes Boris up and gives him his bottle.”

What is certain is that the fight will have to ramped up rapidly after the culture war blew up in the government’s face.

“That’s a real act of God that is. We were using the culture war as a cover for our botched, pseudo science based management of the pandemic. All those dead people. All so unnecessary. All so zzzz for the swivel eyed members of the governing party. And the pandemic was cover for Brexit. But we have not hit a dead end. We’ll just go back to our starting position and fight with Brussels again.”

People across the country are expected to lend their support to Boris Johnson and his government.

“Blame Brussels. Bang your head on kitchen cupboard? Brussels! Get caught cheating at cards? Brussels! Just like the PM said years back, most of our problems are of our own making, but we blame Brussels. He knew it then and he knows it now that most of our problems are of his making.”

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PM says his columns using racist tropes were hacked – “all my work has been written by someone else”

IT WASN’T ME GUV : British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is on the receiving end of some surprising criticism for encouraging racism today, in the wake of the appalling abuse of England’s football team following Sunday night’s Euro2020 final. Following the final whistle some of the UK’s world leading gammon took to social media to heap racist abuse on a team which has exceeded expectations.

Happily for Global Britain though, as it showcases itself to the world, the PM has a ready explanation for his use of racist tropes in much of his back catalogue of published writing.

“My accounts have been hacked, all of them,” Mr Johnson told a press briefer yesterday evening. “I haven’t written a single word ever. Nothing that has ever appeared with my byline was written by me. It’s an absolute scandal and the police should have found the culprit, or culprits long before now.”

When asked how he could not have noticed articles appearing with his name under them using racist tropes to demean Muslim women, or decidedly colonial language when talking about the continent of Africa, Mr Johnson shrugged and hit back, “You try being drunk your entire career and see if you notice an article with your name on it using homophobic language? Or suggesting eugenics by way of population control. Bit bloody ticklish when you find yourself in command of a pandemic strategy leading to one of the planet’s worst death tolls! Ha!”

While the PM’s explanation will satisfy many, as he is a famous slacker and there has been considerable doubt about how much work he actually does, not everyone is satisfied.

“He’ll be telling us the pandemic strategy has been hacked next,” one disgruntled insider commented, “right about the time the irreversible lifting of restrictions is reversed.”

Your Prime Minister is not racist, but, racists do seem to find a lot of encouragement under his premiership…perhaps someone in his cabinet can explain why?

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Study finds people angry at Euro2020 loss just haven’t heard about all the exciting post-Brexit trade deals

KEEP ON TRUSSING ON : An overnight study has discovered the root cause of the distress felt by many English fans today after the nail biting loss to Italy in last night’s Euro2020 final.

The cause appears to be the fact that they just haven’t heard about all the exciting post-Brexit trade deals closed by Brexit Superstar Liz Truss. It’s not so much that England lost the game but that some people don’t have enough that is good in their life to set the defeat against. This leaves them unable to acknowledge that the result was a fair reflection of the contest between two fantastic teams. And then move on. Happy in the outstanding achievements of the wonderful England team and their manager.

“We didn’t expect to discover it’s Liz Truss’s fault,” Professor Madeup, lead researcher on the study, told LCD Views. “It would however be helpful if the Secretary of State for Photocopying EU Trade Deals put just a bit of effort into advertising her achievements. The old social media post now and then. The occasional disingenuous puff piece in the Telegraph or Express. Is that too much to ask?”

The reticent nature of Ms Truss has not been helpful since the United Kingdom took back control of its sovereignty, and there are fabricated rumours of an imminent reshuffle.

“Ms Truss is not going to be reshuffled anytime soon,” a 10 Downing Street source said, “mostly because she’s always overseas closing exciting, time limited trade deals on less advantageous terms than we enjoyed before Brexit. So long as she’s happy to drape herself in flags and beam emptily at a camera she is giving the boss what he needs. The right wing rags can write positive interpretations of the achievements and pro-trolls share the articles across social media platforms. Job done.”

Keep on Trussing on. We may have lost the football but look at what we’ve won!

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BREAKING : Band that played as Titanic sank booked by 10 Downing Street for function 19th July

THAT SINKING FEELING : Still waters may run deep but the churning, shallow stream of effluent from 10 Downing Street is in no danger of being still. Or stopping. As “Freedom Day” is rapidly approaching world king Boris ‘Plague’ Johnson is determined to celebrate the declared end of the pandemic in the UK with a traditional British celebration.

“We’re going to have a wonderful party,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It will be like the VE Day celebrations last year all over again. Conga lines on every street passing the airborne virus from front to back and with the Prime Minister’s express permission and encouragement!”

And to help everyone really get into the right mood for the party the PM is said to have booked a famous British band to provide the music.

“We’ve booked the actual band that played on the actual Titanic as it sank. You could not stop them cheering the passengers up as the ship upended and went straight into the depths. Which is exactly what we’re aiming for on the 19th of July.”

The booking of the band that played as the Titanic went under is not only appropriate because of the comparison between the behaviour of England and that other preventable disaster.

“It’s the right choice. Remember what Mr Johnson said himself in the House of Commons? We’re going to make a Titanic success of Brexit! We’ve done that. And now we’re doing it with the novel virus. Because not hitting the iceberg at speed would upset the Tory backbenchers. And no one ever wants to do that! No matter what the human cost.”

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Gesture politics is bad, but gesture football fandom is fine, says Boris Johnson

GUESS WHO’S HOPING TO SCORE TONIGHT: Our Glorious Leader is merrily hopping on to the most obvious bandwagon available. This is fine, according to the man who can’t tell Harry Kane from Harry Potter.

Rumours continue to persist that Johnson has already paid someone to write two columns, one celebrating England’s Glorious Victory, one bemoaning England’s Gallant Loss. With any luck, the Daily Telegraph will print the correct one tomorrow morning.

This is a man whose reputation suggests that when he hears the phrase “Sterling’s taken a tumble!”, he instantly checks his investments.

After all, Boris Johnson’s principal talent appears to be cosplaying, not governing. Who shall I be today? A sausage maker? Fork lift truck driver? Football fan? His entire existence seems to have been a series of gestures, and the fact that he claims otherwise carries no weight.

Gesture politics is a bad way to do the business of governing, he claims. His actions suggest that, even if this is true, it’s what he does regardless. However, there seems to be nothing wrong with hastily pulling on an England top over his shirt and tie, to cheer on Our Boys as they win successive matches of the kicky ball game.

So let this fool take his undeserved moment in the spotlight. Let’s savour the moment, and wait for the laughs as Gareth Southgate asks him whether that really should have been a penalty, and he starts talking about vaccines instead.

Hopefully we can get back to the usual business of politics once this is all over. Back to the business of gesture politics like clapping the NHS, slagging off the EU, and Brexit.

Actually, on second thoughts, let’s not. Instead of these empty, futile gestures, why not celebrate our inclusivity, our teamwork, our full integration into European competition, that determine the success of our sporting teams.

In contrast, politically we have the exact reverse with Brexit. They think it’s all over. It is now.

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BREAKING : Downing Street orders U.K. supermarkets to remove empty shelves to conceal food shortages

THERE WILL BE ADEQUATE FOOD : Great news for people hungry to eat sovereignty today with fresh orders from 10 Downing Street to the UK’s food retailers.

Lately social media accounts in the U.K. are filling up with gloating remoaners boasting about how their push for a confirmatory vote has disrupted food supply chains. Downing Street is hitting back!

The hit back is in the form of a directive to the big supermarkets, Tesco, Sainsbury’s, that one the Americans want to asset strip and others to do their “patriotic part to help ensure the success of Brexit”.

Specifically the supermarkets are to be put on a “war footing” and activate Operation Minced Meat.

The secret plan involves the concealment of empty supermarket shelves so “the French and Germans don’t think they can invade us”.

Clearly the threat of invasion is ever present, ever since everyone in Europe agreed it was a horrible idea and committed to working together for peace.

“That was until the Brexiters and Lexiters got a hold of the UK’s reigns of power. Now we need to move swiftly before we’re carpet bombed with croissants and bratwurst to lure U.K. citizens away.”

From midnight Sunday all supermarkets will be required by law to conceal the lack of food. This will be done by removing empty shelves.

“This way shoppers will only see shelves full of produce. Wherever you look there will be adequate food. Additionally the extra room created in the stores will help with social distancing.”

Although Operation Minced Meat is to be triggered for the first time post Brexit, it does follow on from the trials of Operation Food Foto which have been “creating a beach head to baffle the public”.

All Britons can do their part to ensure the successful removal of food from shelves, and then shelves, by joining in the mass U.K. measles party that is currently ongoing thanks to the sociopathic insanity, and inability to understand basic infectious disease control at the heart of government. If you catch it you stay home and you don’t see what’s happening. Brilliant.

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British locust breeders advised to contact Tory MPs to arrange plague to distract from Brexit

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT : Exciting news today for anyone breeding locusts after 10 Downing Street issued an urgent announcement.

“Locusts. We need locusts,” a frantic 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We will however consider crickets and cicadas too. Any insect form really that can be bred to plague levels and released upon the Suffolk Downs.”

The call for locusts comes after a secretive working committee within the executive discovered the Euro2020 football competition ends late Sunday night.

“There’s what? 48-72 hours of distraction left following the result? A week or two if we win I suppose. Then the tri-annual BBC specials, ‘A Very British Homecoming’, but it won’t be sufficient to distract from Covid for long. And Covid is distracting from Brexit. But there’s only so many people in the U.K. willing to give up their lives for that. So we need a fresh plague and we need it now.”

It’s believed a VIP channel has been established for anyone who can supply the insects and people are requested to WhatsApp their local Tory MP today.

“I’ll correct you there. It’s not a new VIP channel it’s the PPE one repurposed. Don’t go giving the public the idea that we’re wasteful with their money.”

The Chancellor is believed to be a strong supporter of the idea and is working up an appropriate slogan, although the “Eat Out to Help Out” slogan may also just be re-deployed.

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Boris Johnson to decide which team to support in Euro2020 final “just before kick off” Sunday

SIX OF ONE HALF DOZEN OF THE OTHER : THE ENGLISH PRIME MINISTER Boris Johnson is said to be “betwixt” camps today regarding the final of the Euro 2020 football competition on Sunday.

Many naively assume the Prime Minister will support the home team, but doing the obvious thing for the benefit of the United Kingdom, and its constituent nations, isn’t necessarily his guiding principle. Just look at Brexit!

“We all think it’s hilarious you think he has any guiding principle at all,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“The PM is having UK Gov run the focus groups now. If it turns out that the culture war being waged by the hard right in the UK has actually turned people off supporting England in sufficient numbers for the final, well, he may have to support Italy. He’s having an Italian team shirt made up at the moment, just as a contingency. If he comes out with a shirt with X on the back, you know he’s decided that’s where his short term political gain lies.”

Those hoping the Prime Minister will support England are of course very few in number, even in England. This is largely explained by his cynical refusal to support the team over the issuing of taking a stand against racism, and taking a knee for equality.

“The England team may have inadvertently done him a favour,” the source comments. “They’re all such smashing lads who play in a great spirit and deal with the right wing rentagobshite nonsense with dignity. Not to mention old Southgate, always one of the PM’s favourite cricketers. It’s made pivoting away from emboldening the racists to backing the England team easier than anyone expected.”

But even if the PM does come out in an England shirt for kick off, don’t think he’ll automatically stay in it all game.

“If the Italians are leading at half time it’s likely Johnson will swap shirts for the second half. But that’s not because he’s a cynical opportunist who cares only to harness popular feeling to his own selfish benefit and will switch positions in a heart beat if he senses the wind has changed direction.”

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Boris Johnson to lead the nation in taking the knee before Sunday’s Euro final kick off

LET ME THROUGH SO I CAN LEAD YOU : ENGLAND’S GREATEST PRIME MINISTER SINCE LORD NORTH, Boris Johnson, is to ramp up his appropriation of the success of the nation’s footballers ahead of Sunday’s Euro2020 final at Wembley.

Rumours emanating from Downing Street suggest that once Mr Johnson wakes up, sometime around midday, his team of genius SPADS will put to him their latest wheeze to capitalise on the success of ‘Team Woke’. This to lead the nation in taking the knee before the Sunday kickoff.

The action will take place outside 10 Downing Street because technicians at Wembley will still be preparing the green screen area for the Prime Minister to stand in front of while watching the match, up to “the last moment possible”. The use of special effects in footage of Mr Johnson watching the game has been key so far, as he’s “mostly bored off his tits and shouting for more bubbly or leering after a waitress”.

Ms Patel is expected to join Mr Johnson in the ceremony but there are concerns that “no one will notice the difference when she kneels”. This is not because of her short stature, but because she’s already about “as low as a human can go” now that she’s been given her head over refugee policy.

Critics of the Prime Minister are not impressed though and claim he’s merely trying to cash in and appropriate the worthy achievements of people more talented and genuine then himself.

“So? That’s a key plank of Tory behaviour, taking other people’s hard work and passing it off as your own for profit,” a 10 Downing Street source commented. “So he’s really being exceptionally genuine when he does it.”

Lee Anderson, the Tory MP famous for boycotting the England team over the knee, is said to be “considering his options” ahead of Sunday’s final.

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Government to supply HGV drivers with amphetamines to combat tiredness – “Like WW2 fighter pilots”

I FEEL THE NEED : Downing Street is pulling out all stops to combat the shortage of HGV drivers in the UK, before the inevitable food riots bring down the regime. All stops that is except reversing the damaging immigration law changes that exacerbated the crisis.

The latest wheeze takes its inspiration from WW2, which everyone knows is the only historical time period of any importance whatsoever for Brexit Britain.

“Britain’s tireless fleet of truck drivers will now be supplied with uppers to keep them going through the long hours of the night,” Transport Secretary Sebastian Fox (allegedly aka Grant Shapps) told LCD Views. “The decision to dope them to the eyeballs came after my colleague Mr Gove said he could hook me up with as much as I need. He assures me it’s all good quality gear, no nose garbage, and just to wait for the call.”

It’s not entirely clear how the amphetamines will get into the UK though with Priti Patel waging war on smugglers. Although suspicions are that the sizeable shipments of the required narcotics may well come in via “diplomatic parcels”.

What hauliers think about the plans to both abolish the safety directives which limit driving time, and now drug their red eyed drivers to the eyeballs, isn’t yet clear.

“We wouldn’t listen to them even if they told us,” Mr Shapps commented. “This is how we got Brexit done. By ignoring all the experts. Now, run along and photograph the empty fruit and veg aisles in your local supermarket.”