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BREAKING : Downing Street advises Brits to stop bathing to ensure social distancing after Freedom Day

STINK OUT TO SPACE OUT : As the minutes count down to the end of the pandemic in England 10 Downing Street isn’t ignoring its responsibility to issue up to date safety guidance.

“While clearly from midnight tonight it’s going to be a free for all with your fellow citizens deciding what’s best for your health and safety, that doesn’t mean we’re comfortable to let it be a free for all,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “I mean common sense means different things to different people. They guy who stuck 10 dairy creme eggs up his bum, the guy who stuck a red flare in his bum and the people who phoned the emergency services over a KFC chicken shortage will have different ideas about how to stop you catching a potentially lethal infectious disease than you do. This is why we’ve issued our latest guidance.”

The guidance itself concerns personal hygiene, which has been a focus all through the extended U.K. experience of the pandemic.

”You’ve all been washing your hands, which is great, but did you realise that to keep safe from tomorrow it will be best to stop bathing the rest of you?”

Specifically the update from 10 Downing Street advises Brits to cease all bathing and showering all together, and thankfully that’s not because of a water shortage. Yet.

“If you’re worried about the maskless cockwombles as you line up at the supermarket you don’t have to feel anxious. If you reek to high heaven no one is going to want to stand close to you. This will ensure social distancing remains in place even as your government attempts to collapse your national health service.”

Stop showering. Wave your arms. Shop safely.

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BREAKING : Boris Johnson to resume “shaking hands” with everybody in hospitals from Monday

SUPER SPREADER IN CHIEF : The UK’s world leading pandemic leader, and also prime minister, is to pick up where he left off early last year.

With all restrictions set to be lifted in England from Monday Mr Johnson is reported to be planning to lead by example, as England becomes the global epicentre of failed infectious disease control.

It is said that he will spend the week dressed in a range of outfits and visit as many locations as possible, with his unmasked team, to really give the next stage of the pandemic a boost.

“First off he’s going to dress as a scientist and ignore safety guidance and spread whatever he can around a high security laboratory,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“Tuesday the photoshoot will be at a primary school. Big beaming smiles and kids playing along because they want their parents to come home again. We all know schools in England are immune to all infectious microbes. Especially cold ones. This has successfully guided the PM’s response to the pandemic so far. Just look at the numbers we’re hitting!”

But the prize turkey will be making the biggest show when he visits an NHS hospital.

“We’re not going to make a success of our experiment in mass delusion if people are still afraid to die or be maimed to ensure the success of Mr Johnson’s reign. So hospitals will have to take a serious hit in the coming weeks and months. They’re great targets as the staff can’t strike. If they do people will die. Happily that’s not a concern that overly burdens the PM.”

It’s said that Mr Johnson will shake hands with everyone possible in the hospital, just to ensure the range of symptoms patients present are “levelled up” across the wards and amongst the staff.

“We can get the pandemic done!” the source adds. “It’s a choice. And your government has chosen the path where some of you will die, and they’re okay with that.”

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BREAKING : British PM Boris Johnson unaware CV19 is infectious

WHAT GOES AROUND : BREAKING news from Downing Street today after a completely fabricated leak for the purpose of this critique of government stunned the world.

Just after midday official papers bearing British Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s signature were found at a fictional bus stop recently installed in this publication’s mind on Downing Street. The papers are alleged to contain large font scrawling by Mr Johnson demanding to know how everyone “keeps catching this bloody idea they should all stay at home?”

Further in the documents Mr Johnson states that he suspects the actual cause of the long running, world beating U.K. experience in the pandemic maybe “ergot poisoning” as so many people appear to disagree with his idea of a reality focused solely on himself. The entire damn country has “dancing sickness and we must find the phonograph and turn the bally music off!”

While the revelation maybe made up it is thought by experts to be the only rational answer to Mr Johnson’s stubborn refusal to believe that Monday 19th July is not the day to declare the pandemic over, and lift all remaining restrictions.

“Either he is not aware the pandemic is caused by a highly infectious, potentially lethal virus or he’s a total sociopath unfit to govern. It’s one of the other,” one expert commented.

Anyone alarmed at the discovery their Prime Minister can not grasp the basics of infectious disease control is advised to use their own common sense and wait for the Prime Minister to attempt to clap for the NHS again, late summer.

“I’d be making plans for the next lockdown now,” another expert commented, “because as long as the U.K. strategy continues to be written for the convenience of Tory MP’s lifestyles we are all completely stuffed.”

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Government orders Spitfire fly past over farms of unpicked food

LOOK UP IN THE SKY : It’s a good thing the legend currently infesting 10 Downing Street isn’t into gesture politics or nothing maybe done to counteract the negative blowback from his idea of politics.

Of course some pain is to be expected as the UK forges a new destiny as a fully sovereign, free trading nation free from the grip of fresh food imported from the Continent. But that doesn’t mean we have to have our eyes downcast!

“We can all look up and feel elated,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “Yes, there is some temporary disruption to the workforce on English farms, but that’s only because of the pandemic and nothing to do with having Priti Patel stand at Heathrow with a stick. Once we’ve let the virus rip and achieved herd immunity by way of discarding unwanted humans you’ll see those seasonal workers flock back in. And not just to immigration detention centres.”

But in the meantime there may need to be one or two measures to keep the Blitz Spirit strong in the population.

“We’ll be organising Spitfire fly pasts. It’s what Mr Johnson does best. He often makes little model Spitfires out of empty wine crates and shambles around the Downing Street flat making plane noises. Not to entertain his offspring you understand, just because he likes it. But he’s also ordering fresh fly pasts over British farms.”

The fly pasts will continue for as long as the food is rotting on the farms.

“So just for the next year or two while we wait for British farmers to throw in the towel and order their food from America.”

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Downing Street orders rotting crops covered with Union Flags to make it clear the rot is patriotic

BREXIT SMELLS BAD : There’s nothing in modern Britain that can’t be fixed by the liberal application of the Union Flag.

News reports are filling up with the rotten harvest of Brexit as astonished farmers discover Priti Patel’s attempts to dissuade foreigners from coming to the UK has had a surprising affect on seasonal workers.

No one stuffed to the gills with British Exceptionalism expected that. Why wouldn’t people go through hell and high water to visit our plague ridden island, to live in a damp caravan, and work for minimum wage all hours of the day, just to be told to F O before they leave? Absolutely BAFFLING!

But baffled or not the UK Government now has another self inflicted problem on its hands as farmers in England watch, and smell, their harvest rotting.

Clearly the only way to salve those new wounds is with the liberal application of flags. If people see a Union Flag covered field they’ll automatically assume we’re winning just by association with the old Butcher’s Apron.

The flag roll out will begin immediately with open air fields and poly tunnels becoming a much more colourful red, white and blue than the drab greys and sour greens of rotting veg.

Brits concerned about food shortages need not worry about them though, as they’ll soon be here, or you can do your bit to combat climate change and pay a fiver for a courgette flown in from the other side of the world!

Brexit. It stinks. Mostly of compost. Oh, and corruption, and perhaps a fair share of incompetence. They should make it into a fragrance.

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BREAKING : PM holds reception with new English football team he made out of empty wine crates

FANTASY FOOTBALL : News reports this week suggest world beating Prime Minister Boris Johnson has declined to entertain the English football team in the 10 Downing Street Rose Garden, even though he lets pretty much anyone else going by in.

Critics of the PM suggest that it’s because his failure to support the team early on in the Euros when some “fans” were booing the players taking the knee means he could hardly ask them around for a bbq now. But those critics fail to take into account that Mr Johnson’s neck is 100% brass and he could have fronted it out if he wanted to.

“The players told him to get stuffed and to take Priti Patel with him,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “I mean, the man is a disgrace to his office and a disgrace to civilisation. He has a long history of racist language and he gave the nod to the fans booing the players because he thought it would play well to his base. Well it turns out his base in this instance is a bloody sight smaller than he thought. Thank God.”

It’s also likely that the players, who appear fairly savvy politically, would have been aware that Mr Johnson would have leveraged any function with them to boost his own reputation. They weren’t going to used by the fatberg for his cynical damage control. But all is not lost for the beleaguered PM.

“It’s all good. He’s made another English football team out of empty wine crates. He’s got too many arts and crafts supplies anyway. He makes them constantly. So the new team and Mr Johnson will have a tea party together and he’ll be just fine with his make believe friends.”

But while an admirable attempt to move on from being snubbed by the fantastic young team, the arts and crafts team are also drawing criticism.

“Okay. Yes. The new team is all white players. But that’s down to the grapes Mr Johnson has been drinking. It’s all Sauvignon and Chardonnay and so on. You try making anything other than a blanc out of that! Any rumours the back of 10 Downing Street is overflowing with empty bottles of red is completely untrue.”

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“I went into public service to dismantle the public health service” – inheritance millionaire Tory MP in touching tell all interview

HEARTFELT : The Johnson government brings its much anticipated NHS reform bill to the nodding dogs in the kennel called Westminster today as it edges closer to the greatest prize in Conservative politics, the dismantling of a public health service free at the point of use.

While some gasp noticeably at the thought of the UK health system going the way of the US, it is public service which drives the Tory MPs in the quest to leave you to die if you can’t afford cancer treatment. LCD Views spoke to one of the backbench MPs who will vote with the government to learn more.

“People need to take responsibility for their health,” Baron Insurhance Grifft Montgomery Subsidee told LCD Views. The Baron is the oldest son of seven and spoke to us in the grounds of ‘The House’, an ironic name for his family’s one hundred room ancestral home in rural Hertfordshire.

“It’s all very well to wake up every day alive and well and then expect the state to pick up the pieces when you wake up unwell.”

Baron Insurhance has long been troubled by the existence of the NHS.

“From an early age I saw the loss of productivity the mere existence of the NHS causes in the British workforce, which are idle enough as it is! I recall distinctly the day as a bright eyed and bushy tailed four year old I could not go duck shooting on our pond. Nanny was ‘at the doctors’ for some ghastly medical procedure. If she had to pay for the treatment would I have been left to drag the family blunderbuss down to the water’s edge on my own? I think not. People need to take responsibility for the accident of their birth. Just like I did when I inherited the wealth gained by my hardworking ancestors in the late 11th century. Supplemented by later generations who took full advantage of the sugar industry and after that supplying opium to the eager Orientals.”

One of the big gains hidden within the legislation is removing the statutory responsibility of the state to provide hospital care.

“There will still be hospitals. Any suggestion to the contrary is fearmongering. Just they’ll be more efficient hospitals branded with exciting new names of companies from the United States. The British are about to enjoy a very special relationship with healthcare. I’lll be only too happy to help you finance the removal of your child’s appendix. After all, if you can’t afford children, you shouldn’t breed like rabbits! Mind you, the way child mortality will go once we’ve finished with the NHS, you may need to knock a few more out to have a spare.”

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Decision to close archaeology departments based on discovery “Cheddar Man wasn’t white”

THE PAST BEST LEFT UNEXAMINED : The news that Sheffield University Archaeology Department is the first to close as a result of the Tory government’s funding cuts to universities has the champagne corks hitting the ceiling at the Department of Education.

It’s long been recognised that the greatest contemporary threat to the kind of Britain Boris Johnson and chums want to create lies in the past. More specifically “learning from the past”. Near or far. Happily in Mr Williamson the PM has a willing foot soldier in the war against understanding, because “he understands nothing”.

The surface reasons given for the closure are government pressure to cut costs as a result of Tory changes to the way higher education is funded. Additionally there is pressure to cut student numbers to lower unpaid student debt levels, which is also the fault of Tory changes to the way universities are funded. But the big prize is not spending less money educating our nation’s children, but in what they will never learn.

“The girly swots did it to themselves,” a source inside the Department for Education told LCD Views. “Can you imagine the shock inside the Conservative Party when it was announced that in all probability Cheddar Man wasn’t white? The first Englishman wasn’t white? That’s a completely unacceptable discovery. So too the discoveries across Europe that ancient Europeans were generally a lot darker than we thought. Throwing in a pair of blue eyes is not sufficient to compensate for the trauma felt within the party ranks.”

It’s hoped the closure at Sheffield of a department ranked 12th in the world will show other universities which way they need to travel.

“Hopefully we can completely abolish the humanities, arts, useless sciences like archaeology and have universities which are solely focused on raising rents from students. That’s the ultimate aim.”

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Tory MPs demand footballers focus on football and stop kicking MPs’ arses at politics

SPORT OF KINGS : Tory MPs are up in arms today after they received yet another thrashing at the hands of people they assume are their inferiors.

It’s been a rough run of late for the team at CCHQ United as time after time they’ve come up against a single footballer and been thrashed. Many had said they should have conceded the School Meals Cup to Marcus Rashford and kept their dignity intact, but they were ignored. Repeatedly. The next decision to seek payback in a winner take all contest over anti-racism protests pitted Johnson and his team of donkeys against the entire English football team. The result went against the plucky squad of MPs from Little England, even with a whole squad of hard right gobshite ringers in the media establishment on their side.

There are not yet public rumours of a need to change the management at CCHQ, but that doesn’t mean many aren’t looking at their bluffer in chief and wondering if someone capable of forecasting further than their next alcoholic beverage may be a better strategist?

While the whiteboard is put up and the pens grabbed to form a new strategy undaunted Tory MPs are taking to social media as if they weren’t just thrashed completely yesterday.

“The demand for footballers to keep out of politics and stick to football is an understandable one,” a source inside CCHQ told LCD Views. “We can’t take it anymore. They keep handing us our arses! Who knew they would be so good at politics?”

Other sources are suggesting that if the MPs are so keen to spare their blushes and keep footballers out of the political arena they might try governing the country with an ounce of compassion for those less fortunate? But that is unlikely to be advice that is heeded and more rematches, and more thrashings for the Tories are expected.

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BREAKING : BRITISH PM Boris Johnson’s refusal to support taking one knee sees him on both

SWINGS AND ROUNDABOUTS : Alarming reports from the Westminster village today suggest that the UK’s world beating Prime Minister Boris Johnson is going to need a salve for knee burns.

While the notorious Casanova of British politics is allegedly no stranger to leg based injuries while chasing other people’s partners about, today’s injuries are of an entirely different nature.

“It’s fitting really,” one seasoned Westminster watcher commented, “the PM’s refusal to lend support to sportsmen taking one knee as a protest against racism how sees him down on both knees. Who could possibly have foreseen that it would come back to haunt him, as he and the Home Secretary emboldened the worst of the English population.”

Culture war blowback does seem to have been sudden and overwhelming after the English footballers lost the Euro2020 final on Sunday night and racists exploded across social media to attack them.

“It’s not fair really,” the watcher went on, “when all you want to do is loot the state with your mates and people expect you to be a government? And not only that, a government in the 21st century? Poor hand. The culture war was supposed to divide and rule the British people. But it seems turning it onto a young, professional, progressive, mixed ethnicity football team who espouse the best of English qualities has lead to some surprising blowback.”

In the PM’s defence, when he and his chums decided to bully the footballers they were hoping for a series of lewd, narcotic strewn stories to swirl around the team.

“Even that may not have been much help to Mr Johnson, had it occurred. Just look at the scandals surrounding the cabinet.”

We would wish the PM a speedy recovery from his self-inflicted burns, but that would be hypocrisy, and we’re not looking for a place in his government.