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BREAKING : COBRA meets after threat made to put face mask on Churchill statue

MASK ON MASK OFF : The decision of the United Kingdom to let the weirdest and most damaged attention seekers it can find govern it is bearing real and tangible fruit today. COBRA is to meet to decide what to do about the latest SEVERE threat to the statue of Winston Churchill.

“We can’t have FREEDOM DAY on the 19th of July if the greatest Englishman EVER is choking on a piece of fabric in the afterlife,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We didn’t singlehandedly defeat fascism nearly 80 years ago not to constantly reference it in a public health emergency.”

The threat itself appears to have been delivered via a fever dream to a member of the CRG.

“You know the Covid Recovery Group? If you don’t you should. They’re your government. They did the research that GOT BREXIT DONE. Now they’ve turned their laser hot sociopathy to GETTING COVID DONE. Essentially some of you will die, and they’re okay with that. But that doesn’t mean that an inanimate statue has to suffer to achieve victory over the concept of sanctity of life.”

Quite what will be done to protect the statue isn’t clear, with the police already over tasked ignoring the allegedly provable crimes of the high and mighty.

“We’ll have to deploy the army,” the source continues. “That is ultimately the solution to any problem. I mean we could employ the army to assist us in eliminating the virus within our borders within weeks and not need masks at all. But that is an act of out of the box thinking your PM and his handlers aren’t prepared to consider. Not while the pandemic is covering up for Brexit.”

The public however can play their part.

“You can help. All you have to do is give up any pretence of concern for the people around you. Then gather around the Churchill statue on the 19th of July and breathe. Breathe. Breathe in the air.”

Freedom Day will happen.

“Some of you will die. But we’re okay with that.”

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Sajid Javid announces Health Department and Daily Mail will merge offices from 19th July

STRONG AND STABLE INFECTION RATES : Many feared that the era of Sajid Javid as Health Secretary would be a mysterious one, with people left to wonder why him? Maybe it won’t be so bad? He was the guy who resigned on principle after all when Dominic Cummings was Prime Minister. Happily the mystery has already been solved and it seems clear what Mr Javid is about.

“It’s great,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We can now fully embrace the pandemic policy we wanted from the start of the pandemic. It’s a policy that is a meme. You know the one? Some of you may die, and I’m alright with that. The rest of the world is impressed.”

As part of seeing through the decision to remove all restrictions in just a couple of weeks Mr Javid isn’t wasting any time making changes.

“He’s going to save the taxpayer an absolute tonne,” the source continues, “He’s merging the offices of The Department of Health and Social Care with The Daily Mail. That way they can share resources and it will make announcing policy changes much faster. He won’t even have to pick up the phone to the editor. He’ll just shout across the corridor. Or the editor will shout at him. It’s not clear which direction the decisions travel in.”

The change is expected to also bring tangible benefits in the manipulation of public opinion, as the hospitals begin to overflow with virus patients once more.

“People are letting the government down. It’s really tiresome. We’re going to let them make their own decisions about how to keep the strangers they encounter fleetingly safe from the invisible killer. So it will be the public’s fault. It’s all good. Sajid feels this is the right way to do things so that’s all the validation you need. We’ve had enough of those meddling scientists! The CRG are right behind him. You know them, they used to be the ERG. They’ve done exactly the same amount of research into the pandemic, and how to end it swiftly, as they did into Brexit. You can sleep soundly, unless you’re coughing of course.”

We have to learn to live with the virus, according to Mr Javid, which will be an excellent comfort to the 150,000+ who failed to do that. Strong and stable public health policies. If you want them you need a disaster capitalist.

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Calls to replace Johnson government with “Marxist” English football team grow

THERE IS A WAY TO HAVE NICE THINGS : 10 Downing Street is refusing to comment this morning on the growing clamour for Prime Minister Boris Johnson to stand aside and allow the English football team to takeover. Although comment is expected later this afternoon when the PM wakes up, but only after he has had his late breakfast and long lunch.

There have been growing calls within the United Kingdom since last summer for the change, after Marcus Rashford successfully reversed the free school meals policy for deprived children not once, but numerous times.

Whether or not Mr Rashford would wish to take the role of Prime Minister is not yet clear, even though it is a highly popular option. Perhaps the current English football team manager Gareth Southgate will be preferred for the role by his team. This would leave Mr Rashford free to choose from cabinet positions, with most assuming he could combine the roles of Home Secretary and Education Secretary without too much difficulty.

English football fans will be happy to know though that there are no calls for the reverse. In the event of the Johnson government being replaced with the English football team, the English football team will not be replaced with the Johnson government.

“We’re not talking about going back to the bad old days of English football,” one insider said, “where people constantly hoped for a world beating performance, were promised it, but continually let down by a bunch of booze and drug addled lads finding their extramarital affairs splashed all over the tabloids. The Johnson government will continue to fulfil that role in or out of office.”

It is expected Prime Minister Boris Johnson will resist the calls to hand power to the footballers, before belatedly claiming it as his own idea once he sees how popular it is with the public.

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Hopes uncontrolled experiment to get herd immunity in school kids will create “lifelong immunity to voting Tory”

LETTING KIDS RIP : Researchers are watching avidly as the U.K. government’s top secret medical experiment on the entirety of English state school children gathers pace.

While not officially acknowledged as government policy it’s believed the UK’s government has just decided to “sort the wheat from the chaff” of English kids and let the virus have its merry way with them. Oh and also, “Boris is bored of the pandemic now and just wants it over with, like one of his marriages. So let the bodies pile high again and see who wins the race? The vaccine or the virus.”

“Chicken pox and measles parties were good enough in my day,” said one 10 Downing Street eugenicist, “and cooking my brain with a fever at dangerous temperatures for days while young didn’t do me any harm. You just have to look at me to see that. So there’s minimal risk to British youth, except the ones who get long term damage. But that’s a part of growing up. At least emotionally, in my direct experience.”

But non-government researchers suspect there maybe long term consequences that Mr Johnson and the other “batshit crazy, irresponsible shithouses currently ruining the U.K.” haven’t fully thought through.

“Arrogance and a sense of endless entitlement allow you to do many things that harm others to satisfy yourself,” Professor Doctor Doctor told LCD Views, “you just have to look at Brexit to see the results of that. We’re hopeful that this fascist feeling experiment on the nation’s schoolchildren may have a positive long term impact.”

Namely a distinct aversion to voting Tory when they grow up and look back to a childhood disrupted unnecessarily for several years by a “hamfisted, pseudo science approach combined with profiteering off a pandemic with scant regard to the human cost by the old Etonian sect.”

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“We have to learn to live with Covid,” says chauffeur driven MP who lives on a large estate

IF YOU CAN’T BLIND THEM WITH SCIENCE…: THE UK IS GLOBALLY RECOGNISED as being at the forefront of research into how to handle the current pandemic. Work made more impressive by the current government’s decision to abandon efforts to properly prepare for pandemics, before the pandemic.

“This has provided us with a pretty open field to experiment within,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “and not just for the virus! Ha!”

In spite of the interesting results arising from the UK’s unique attempt to bring Blitz Spirit into viral control, it seems some in power are getting bored of it now.

“Matt’s mates have made an absolute tonne of cash, it’s been excellent,” the source continues. “Not just his, others also. Total snouts in trough windfall event. One in a million. It’s been excellent.”

But the winds of change are now blowing…

“By mismanaging the pandemic we’ve artificially boosted UK GDP sufficient to hide some of the impact of Brexit. Although we’re coming to the end of the road with that now, which is more than you can say for the nation’s hauliers! Ha! We’re going to have to get Dido back to track and trace truck drivers. That’ll spin a few billion out the door. Ha!”

As to where to go now with the pandemic it’s clear a few options are helpfully still ruled out.

“No chance we’ll pursue an elimination strategy, with an effective quarantine and track and trace. That’s not the British way! We’ll only consider it if the rest of the world quarantines us. The modern Conservative has the mettle to cull the herd of the weak, presented with the opportunity. But how to sell it to the great unwashed? Social media spreading conspiracies helps keep people’s eye off the ball. Who doesn’t prefer to watch old Piers Corbyn ripping health messages off public transport? Much more exciting than considering stale charts of infections and deaths. But we want to move on now. We’ve Global Britain to build! The people need to shrug off their fears and get out the door.”

It seems the favoured policy is to manipulate public opinion sufficiently so they see the virus like a car crash. You want to drive then you accept there’s a risk to yourself and others, but you trust it’s mitigated. So long as the daily mortality stays low then it’s hoped selfishness will kick in too. It’s only people I don’t know dying…

“That’s exceptionally clever. Treating an infectious disease like a car accident. It has a surface logic that many will grab. As long as no one actually sits down and thinks about it…”

Of course the people in positions of power pushing the agenda to “get back to normal” are well placed to think it through.

“They have access to chauffeur driven cars and many live on large estates. All you have to do is work harder for the right ancestors and you can live safely with the virus too.”

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Boris Johnson said to be “actively looking” for a second Brexit Deal to take as a “mistress”

SCREWING AROUND LIKE ALWAYS : The UK’s world beating Prime Minister Boris Johnson is said to be actively looking for a second Brexit Deal to take as a mistress.

Rumours from inside 10 Downing Street suggest Mr Johnson is already “bored to death” with the deal he negotiated with the European Union and feels he has “shagged the life out of it and now wants something new and spicy”.

How exactly Mr Johnson expects to bring his “personal flair for infidelity” into the realm of legally binding agreements between the UK and the EU is not clear, but it’s assumed he’ll just “ignore all his promises and responsibilities like usual”.

The belief appears to be he can start up a clandestine relationship with another Brexit Deal and then sooner or later discard the current one and all its issues like NI and emptying supermarket shelves.

“It’s certain the pliant, largely courtier UK press will accept Mr Johnson’s betrayal of the Brexit Deal without comment,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “They’ll probably even pretend there’s nothing slightly off about it if he boots the current Brexit Deal right out the door, even though it’s currently receiving treatment, and moves the New Brexit Deal into his bedroom. Just Boris being Boris! What a funny old fellow is Boris.”

The EU is said to be prepared for this but will keep its current position that the courtship which led to Mr Johnson marrying himself to the current Brexit Deal was so “eye-wateringly, ball-achingly irritating for all involved” that they are hardly just going to abandon it on Mr Johnson’s whim and pretend the mistress agreement is legitimate.

“The EU can go whistle,” the source adds. “If Mr Johnson wants to break his word and abandon his commitments that’s his business and nobody else’s.”

The CPTPP is thought to be Mr Johnson’s favourite to screw around with but there are difficulties involved.

“It’s half a world away and his failure to control the pandemic means getting to it and shafting it in secret is difficult in the current era of travel restrictions.”

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Downing Street bans Union Flag flying in Batley & Spen for one week to “punish them for by election”

HARD RAIN : Downing Street is said to be expecting a “tense and explosive” atmosphere today when the Prime Minister wakes up for lunch and learns of the Batley and Spen by election loss.

Aides to the PM are said to be drawing up a list of punishments for the constituency after the promise to fund something something something failed to secure sufficient votes to put another nodding dog in the House of Commons for the Conservatives.

“We’re doubly baffled. We had that idiot in the hat and the other guy who makes video blogs campaigning against Labour too, but somehow Jo Cox’s sister still beat us. Maybe we didn’t mention the vaccine roll out enough on the doorstep? Maybe the mistake is allowing by elections we might lose to take place at all? Did Libdem and Green voters betray us in numbers sufficient to steal the election? Something will have to be done. This is not the parliamentary democracy we staged a right wing coup for,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

Exactly who will wake the Prime Minister and tell him of the loss is yet to be decided. It’s likely Mr Johnson’s current wife will put all the names of the SPADs in a hat and then draw one out.

“The constituency will pay, you can be sure of it,” the source adds. “Personally I prefer letting Trident have at them. Let’s just remove the constituency from the board with a mushroom cloud. That would be a sufficient warning to other areas thinking of doing the same.”

The most likely punishment though will be more patriotic.

“Gove wants to ban them flying the Union Flag for a week. That’s something that would really hurt a modern potatriot. We’ll probably go with that. Imagine the look on the Spen kids faces when they have to take a remote lesson at home, due to the pandemic bubble bursting, and there’s no Union Flag behind their teacher on zoom? Ouch!”

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Rishi Sunak says he got a puppy so the death of the U.K. financial sector doesn’t matter

MONEY IS FUNNY : The biggest news in Brexitannia so far this week is that the Chancellor of the Exchequer Rishi “Dishy” Sunak has a puppy!

The dog who may or may not spend quality time with the UK’s architect of ‘Eat Out To Help Out’, the delay to last year’s winter lockdown and something fishy about David Cameron and lobbying. But the dog won’t mind, even if someone is hired to look after him the majority of his life he’ll get to see Sunak for bi-annual photo shoots.

“The dog is just amazing,” an aide to the Chancellor told LCD Views. “He is toilet trained! Which is more than you can say for most of the cabinet. Although they can nod and heel on command.”

The arrival of the dog also has benefits for everyone in the UK.

“No one is going to care about the unwinding of pandemic financial support in the age of Brexit now they know that Rishi has a dog,” the aide continued. “My entire family has just come down with the killer plague, which walked in our doors from school, but who cares? Rishi has a puppy! I’ll think of that when I’m monitoring my blood oxygen levels later and smile.”

And the benefits of Sunak getting a dog don’t stop there.

“The stubborn EU have got a finger in the eye! Rishi couldn’t have purchased a pedigree pup if we hadn’t got Brexit done.”

The puppy also deals with the niggling news today that the UK government have failed to secure a deal on access for the UK’s financial sector to the biggest trading bloc on Earth.

“Who cares if the UK’s financial sector withers down to firms solely considered with efficient tax arrangements, and the tax take is lower, and austerity needs to return. Rishi has a dog!”

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Death Star shock – ‘Tax avoidance scheme got out of hand’ says Vader

In an exclusive interview with lcdviews today, Lord Darth Vader made the staggering claim that the Death Star was originally nothing more than a plan to avoid tax. ‘It all began long ago in a far away galaxy when some of the richest men on a planet called Earth came up with what they thought would be a tax-loss generating idea whereby they’d build space ships solely for the shits and giggles.’

Apparently, the three men, now known only by their warrior names Amazon, Virgin and Elon the Strange, were approached by a wise accountant who suggested that relocating their sources of great riches ‘off-planet’ would put profits beyond the reach of any terrestrial tax regime. The accountant, whose name has been lost in the mists of time, said, ‘Zero taxes you will incur, if your cards right you play.’

Lord Vader continued, ‘After that it was a short step to building firstly a space station so that the three could spend the requisite time off-planet, and then to adding the little luxuries such as a swimming pool, Michelin starred restaurant, five star hotel, artificial ski slope and interplanetary death rays. This last innovation was a very useful addition to the scheme as it meant that not only did they avoid tax, but they were also able to charge it. Earth of course challenged this in the Courts but by obliterating a couple of minor countries, the new state, or ‘Empire plc’ as it became to be known, persuaded the Judges that they had a point.

Over the following millennia, the artificial planet grew and under careful management diversified from top end tourism for Earthlings to galactic domination. ‘One of the fundamentals of good business is to recognise the need for change,’ said Vader, ‘and to acquire and divest as appropriate. It is sad but inevitable that we had to divest a few planets on the way but we are were we are.’

Asked about rebel shareholders, Vader, after a few moments, produced from his cloak a strange looking object. ‘Have you seen my new cigarette lighter?’ he said.

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Williamson to ban mobiles in schools so kids can’t text each other to say they have Covid

IGNORANCE IS BLISS : The UK’s most famous “Runner Up Fireplace Salesman of the Month 2001” Gavin Williamson is looking to ban the use of mobile phones in state schools.

The motivation is presumed to be to distract from his appalling record as Education Secretary, which has surprised many as he keeps a whip on his desk.

It was initially thought that Mr Williamson’s pet tarantula could tour all state schools in England in a “show of force” to improve class discipline, but removing a vital, modern tool was settled upon as a much better deflection from the “natural herd immunity in schools” policy that is helping to British children win the war on the virus.

It’s not only class discipline that suffers when mobile phones are allowed onto school premises, it’s also respect for the children’s betters.

“All these poor children sharing memes mocking Gav? It’s not on,” an aide to Mr Williamson said. “If the Education Secretary can’t inspire fear how can he govern? Starving poor kids was an excellent part of this policy mix, but some bloody footballer stuffed that up.”

While class discipline is undoubtedly now a serious problem, some would suggest that Mr Williamson’s government’s catastrophic management of the pandemic is to blame and not phones.

“We have to get rid of school bubbles too. They kept bursting and alerting everyone to how we’re letting Delta rip through schools. It’s creating alarm. If people don’t know they’re at risk of catching the plague they won’t get tested. Fewer tests taken mean a lower case load. It’s just sensible governance.”

And while all of this is sound and sensible one or two critics are suggesting there’s a reason other than discipline behind the move to ban phones.

“If kids don’t have phones they can’t text each other to say they have Covid. They’ll have to meet up in person to do it. It’s genius.”