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Home Secretary to promise to “imprison less Italian au pairs” to lure back lost EU workers

HOLDING ALL THE CARDS : Brexit is going so well the government of Great Britain is now being urged by UK businesses to share the fruits more broadly with our friends in Europe.

The calls are growing louder daily as opportunities in the booming UK economy sees many businesses struggling to recruit enough staff. There are serious concerns that the growth will stall.

Front and centre of the staffing crisis is of course the Home Office. Ever an engine of the UK’s outward facing focus the Home Secretary Priti Patel is expected to retain her position as the heart and soul of the immigration programme.

“Ms Patel has heard the calls of business and is ready and willing to help,” an unreliable and invented source inside the Home Office has told LCD Views. “She will later be issuing a call resonant of the Pied Piper of Hamlet and bring those much needed EU workers flooding in.”

Why the EU workers left in the first place is a source of mystery to the government, with suspicion falling on rival European states enticing them away by promising to treat them like human beings.

Ms Patel’s pitch to entice them back across the Channel will contain a few carrots, best of which is the promise not to lock them up the moment they arrive.

“The Home Secretary will speak directly to EU27 workers later today and give them the solid gold promise that she will imprison less Italian au pairs when they arrive in the UK. Oh, and the truck drivers? She has had more portaloos installed in Kent.”

While the move is certain to charm those reluctant migrant workers back, internal critics have lost their shit over the Home Secretary saying less and not fewer.

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BREAKING : Wave which nearly swept Boris Johnson out to sea demoted to ripple by Poseidon

GET OUT OF THE SEA : News broke today of a completely unsurprising nature that British Clown Prince (and prime minister) Boris Johnson was almost swept out to sea last year by a politically obsessed Scottish wave.

The wave is said to have harboured ambitions to be a national hero and may have succeeded but for the quick actions of the Clown Prince’s close protection officers.

Sources close to the wave have spoken confidentially to the press and say it was not attempting to physically harm the bumbling idiot, but “scare some sense into him. Perhaps even force a kind of watershed moment. An awakening of consciousness, before returning the shambolic human wrecking ball to shore, where he belonged.”

But a leak from the office of Poseidon, God of the Sea, this evening says that the God was not pleased with the wave at all.

“It’s believed Poseidon has enough trouble explaining daily that he is also Neptune, without having to deal with even more toxic human trash in the sea,” a source which has seen the leaked document reports.

It appears Poseidon was so displeased with the wave involved that he took punitive action to make it an example to other waves.

“It can give up any thoughts of becoming tidal,” the source continues, “Poseidon flew into a fury and demoted the wave to a ripple. The best it can hope for the now is quietly lapping against some pebbles in a secluded cove, before its energy disperses forever.”

Dolphins, porpoises and other marine mammals have been warned that should Mr Johnson go for a swim again they are to immediately return him to shore.

Furthermore, Godzilla has been approached by Poseidon with the aim of levelling the U.K. completely to remove the threat of Mr Johnson polluting the sea ever again, but it’s believed the decision has been taken to hold off for the moment.

“He’s doing a competent enough job of laying waste to the U.K. without any divine assistance. So they’re just going to hold off on that for the moment and see how things pan out.”

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BREAKING : Hypnotist hired to tour empty supermarkets and convince shoppers they have food

FORM AN ORDERLY LINE : Downing Street is stepping up to the challenge of reversing the collapsing U.K. food supply chains today.

“We all know that successful governance is about who writes the most compelling narrative in the mind of the public,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “If the reality based narrative that supermarkets are running out of food takes hold in the public consciousness things could get a bit tricky. This is why we have taken the sensible and measured measure we have today.”

The initiative has been codenamed Operation : Stitch In Time and involves a talented hypnotist hired by Downing Street.

“The hypnotist has this afternoon begun studying social media to see which regions are now worst affected by the broken supply chains. Once a hotspot is identified he flies there by helicopter, disembarks in the supermarket carpark and begins greeting shoppers as they leave empty handed.”

And that’s when the magic starts.

“He invites shoppers to look into his eyes, look into his eyes, don’t look anywhere but in his eyes. As he does this he swings a fob watch on a chain in front of their faces and talks in a soothing voice until they enter a state of hypnosis.”

This is followed by the hypnotist telling the shoppers they must remember they have bought all the items they wished for that day and to go home and be amazed at how little they spent on the weekly shop. It will prove to be very effective.”

But critics of the strategy have demanded to know why only one hypnotist has been engaged, when surely thousands will be needed to cover the entirety of the U.K.?

“That’s because it’s a Boris Johnson initiative, so it’s going to be as impactful as he is with a mop. You can’t expect him to exhaust himself actually dealing with the crisis?” the source shrugs.

“To admit there is a supply side crisis will be to admit, either directly or by implication, that Brexit has failed. So you just better get used to staring into the eyes of the National hypnotist and carry on at home with the guided hypnosis track that will soon appear on your smartphone to convince you you had a slap up Sunday roast. When in reality you’ll be lucky to have had toast.”

Brexit Britain. We did this to ourselves, just don’t expect anybody in government to admit it.

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PM’s visit to petting zoo to “go ahead” in spite of positive test for Bubonic Plague

CARING IS SHARING : Viral sensation Boris Johnson is to go ahead with a visit to a South London petting zoo in spite of testing positive for Bubonic Plague.

It had been expected that the Prime Minister would re-schedule the event, but insiders suggest it is to go ahead anyway because “otherwise he’ll be stuck at home listening to Carrie bang on about redecorating the nursery”.

The visit to Magic Pete’s Magic Animal Magicalarium is now a customary and annual feature of the Prime Minister’s diary and fits in neatly with visits to “anyone who is prepared to shower the Tory Party with money”.

The day long outing will also feature a ride on a miniature train railway with a billionaire “in the driving seat telling Mr Johnson when to shout toot toot!”. This is believed to be his real reason for the visit, although the obligatory photos will be taken with a range of “domesticated animals often covered in their own scat and other members of his cabinet”.

How exactly Mr Johnson came to be infected with one of the most famous diseases ever to plague humankind is not yet clear although some suspect his “visit to the Ministry of Defence’s Defence Science and Technology Laboratory in Wiltshire was probably where it happened”. It is rumoured Mr Johnson was left unattended during a fire alarm drill at the facility and began opening biohazard freezers to check if he’d ever forgotten a “sperm donation there”.

While there is a clear public health risk from the buboed PM mingling with the public while infectious with the Black Death, it is expected most of the media and political establishment will just shrug it off with the usual placebo of “It’s just Boris being Boris”.

The petty zoo animals will be exterminated after the visit, but that is not in the interests of public safety. Rather it’s because “the Home Secretary will personally oversee the event and really, really enjoy it”.

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GB NEWS SLAMS social media companies for refusing to allow “far right salute” emoji

WE HAD A WHOLE WORLD WAR ABOUT THIS : Great Britain’s latest great national broadcaster, GB News, has aimed its laser guided fire onto the entire world’s social media platforms after a ruling in the social media companies Star Chamber.

Major social media companies had been expected to allow the use of a new “far right salute” emoji on their platforms because after all they “allow any old hateful bollocks as it is and often take far too long to remove it”, but it seems the privy councillors who adjudicate on such matters felt it would be a “goose step too far” to allow the salute emoji.

While the army of the Woke will certainly be thrilled that they have one less battle to win against the hateful idiots of the right, not everyone is impressed. Free speech champions Gratuitous Bollocks News in particular are said to be seething.

“Galloping Bunter News was established to fight against the cancel culture warriors that insist we don’t shout down anyone who disagrees with us with fabricated horseshit. The decision to disallow the open palmed salute emoji on social media platforms is another backward step for those of us who believe a lot of right thinking can be learned from the failed fascist experiments of the 1930’s.”

Gritty Ballsack News is expected to attempt to engage the services of far right superhero, Nigel Farage, in campaigning to overturn the decision.

“When Mr Farage has a break in his schedule and is not shouting at small boats we would appreciate it if he talked about this wokery gone insane on his show on the other GB News,” a representative of the fictional GB News told LCD Views.

“My quest to once again return the toothbrush moustache to popularity has been set back years by the outrageous decision to ban the far right salute emoji. The free speech of all fash is now at risk! How are we supposed to have WW3 and lose the argument all over again with decisions like this being taken?”

It’s not yet known what Mr Farage believes of the made up decision to ban the salute emoji, but the expectation he will be “fuhreous” is the most common.

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Downing Street invests £350m into app that deletes Whatsapp messages as you hit send

CHAOS WITH ED : Encouraging news today that Downing Street is serious about making Global Britain the tech hub of the future with the announcement the UK Government is investing in a new app.

The app, which is being developed by a vigorous startup located near Barnard Castle, is not cheap. It is only available as a subscription model and the sub is £350m per week. Ministers have described the cost as “value for money” as it will save the UK criminal justice system hundreds of millions.

“It will become pointless to ask for the phones of Ministers during corruption investigations,” a gleeful Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Sure, have the phone, there’s nothing on it! Don’t waste your time and our money digging about. Spend those limited resources on pursuing a family trying to decide if they should heat or eat for non-payment of council tax.”

The name of the app will get everyone excited too as it is very now.

“Burner is being developed at breakneck speed because we’re in a crisis,” the source adds. “As such voters can be proud their government is throwing the kitchen sink at it. You should be, it’s your kitchen sink.”

The app won’t be available for use by the general public.

“That’s a necessary limitation because if the general public starts deleting their messages as they hit send then it will make criminal justice proceedings virtually impossible in many scenarios.”

The only potential snag is that Burner will only delete messages on the sender’s phone, not the receiver’s.

“I wouldn’t worry about that. We’re developing a different app for that called ‘If I Go Down You’re Coming With Me’.”

Once Burner is released the team behind it will begin working on ‘BackBurner’, an extension to Burner which deletes Minister’s messages the moment they think them. It is believed had the apps been developed sooner it would have saved David Cameron a world of trouble over the Greensill saga, and certain key government figures under investigation currently.

“You’ll know the app is installed on a minister’s phone as its icon will be a crying/laughing face emoji in a shower of money.”

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BREAKING : Home Secretary announces free market alternative to RNLI will launch soon

WHAT VALUE LIFE : Home Secretary Priti Patel has the fight of her life on her hands to stop people reaching safety, security, humanity and the chance of a new life in Great Britain, but she’s up to the challenge.

Since taking up the powerful post of Home Secretary, after being fired from her previous post for running a private foreign policy agenda, Ms Patel has shown that a display of the worst of human instincts is no longer a barrier to success in U.K. political life.

“Boris Johnson deserves a lot of the credit,” a fictional Home Office aide to Ms Patel told LCD Views, during a break from the afternoon’s staff bullying session.

“Gone are the days when being found to have acted unlawfully would have ended a political career. You can thank the entire Conservative Party for that, and the Murdoch press. Once we would have lost Ms Patel’s special talents and drives to the private sector. Thankfully she is able to carry on furthering the work Theresa May began with the Hostile Environment under Dave ‘Call me Coma’ Cameron.”

And carry on she does with gusto. Nothing can stop her. But now she’s a new challenge as just being really bloody awful and displaying historical amnesia has not stopped those darn human beings fleeing war zones full of British arms.

“Nigel Farage was expected to singlehandedly take out the RNLI but that seems to have backfired, much to everyone’s bafflement around here. So we’re turning to the classic Conservative solution to get rid of irritating public services.”

The solution being letting the free market have at it!

“The contracts have been drawn up and the required licences gifted and a free market alternative to the RNLI will soon be launching. With a keen business sense and the backing of government loans the private lifesaver service will undercut the RNLI and drive them right out of business.”

Choice is vital to the customer and providing a choice of rescue services will be just what the Channel needs to satisfy the demands of the Tories core vote.

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“By letting pandemic rip UK got head start on making dangerous variants” – Downing Street

KILLING JOKE : Downing Street is sensibly regarded as world beating in its reaction to the novel virus that has taught the world lessons most will forget.

It seems fair to allege that the U.K. must be near the top of the world league for countries who cashed in on the pandemic, and the closer your links to government the greater the cash.

Social care has also been a major player with tens of thousands of care home residents no longer needing a care or any home at all, thanks to decisions made early on by the Johnson government. The protective ring…

But perhaps one of the U.K. government’s greatest pandemic achievements lies in the field of producing dangerous new variants of the unique contagion?

“Sure Brazil and India have now joined the variable feast, but we were first,” a Health Minister tells LCD Views. “Remember the Kent variant? Who can forget. We made it at home and exported it to the world. That’s Global Britain in action. That’s Global levelling up!”

If we had learned the lessons of other countries, those who were hit by the pandemic first, many weeks before us, we may not have succeeded in the variant field.

“Where would that place Johnson in the history books? Far to the back. That’s no good. All the countries that pursued zero virus strategies are barely going to get a mention. But the ones who went hard early and fast and made unique strains? Entire chapters they will get.”

It really is of course, just Johnson being Johnson. All his public works are ones that drive progress into reverse. Thanks to the virus, he was able to go global and put post Brexit Britain firmly on the map.

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BREAKING : Truckers to be recruited to fill the Kent lorry parks

RIDE ‘EM IN RIDE ‘EM OUT : The United Kingdom’s Brexit Government has received the attention of the world for its management of the transition from captive subject state of the tyrannical EU to fully sovereign, free trading powerhouse.

“We’ve all seen the optimistic photos of Brexit superstar Liz Truss standing next to the overheating photostat machine cut and pasting EU deals,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “There’s no trade agreement she can’t reproduce, on different terms. But where will we put the wealth of incoming goods you ask? Why in Kent of course.”

To that end the government sensibly carparked broad swathes of the garden of England last year, and the concrete is still pouring. The sky is lit at night and for many locals, it’s the Brexit they voted for.

“It stands to reason that once complete the Carpark of Kent will be one of the modern wonders of the world,” the source goes on. “Like a giant sovereignty cake, or flan, just a grey one, because it’s concrete. But a cake needs toppings! And the toppings have to be big.”

And the most appropriate toppings are of course bored truckers, going nowhere, earning nothing, with rotting produce in the back. But creating memories to last a life time.

“We’re driving forward a mass trucker recruitment drive so we can fill those carparks to the edges and over,” the source celebrates. “If you’ve passed your seventeenth birthday why not get involved? Learn to drive a massive lorry and then park it. And then wait. But we don’t want all those foreigners. This is a British enterprise. Get involved and park for Britain.”

The necessity of filling up the Inland Border Facilities, that changed the face of Kent, is obvious.

“It would be totally daft to have spent all that money, and ruined all that scenery in the service of resetting our trade to the 1970’s, not to then use the parks. What would the locals say?”

They might say that would be exceptionally Brexit.

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I tried to use a burner phone, but it singed my ears, says Dominic Raab

LOVE THE CRIMINAL, HATE THE CRIME: Hopeless hapless Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab has been rushed to hospital with burned ears. What’s left of the NHS has patched him up and sent him packing. 

Why were his ears burning? Not because lots of people have been talking about him. No, the natural heir to the great Chris Grayling has been getting in on the act, and attempting to use a burner phone. 

“Everyone is doing it,” bleated a defeated Raab, a wreath of smoke still gently rising from his lugs. “All the other ministers have a burner phone, so I thought I would come to the party, so to speak.” 

You’re on fire now, Dom. 

“No, just smouldering gently,” he said. “I don’t know what went wrong. I followed the instructions to the letter. I procured an ancient Motorola handset, and used Govey’s blowtorch to ignite it, and here we are!” 

No smoke without fire. 

“I just don’t know where I went wrong,” he despaired. “My ears have been really badly singed! It’s a good job I was bald already!” 

You’ve been badly burned. 

“What I don’t get,” he whimpered plaintively, “is how old Jimmy Bethel isn’t scorched all over like me!” 

Lord Bethel is only the latest miscreant to mysteriously change his phone as soon as the courts decide they need to see it. Unlike Raab, he clearly knows what a burner phone is. And he doesn’t want to get his fingers burned. 

Meanwhile the It’s All Greek To Me Office has moved quickly to ensure that The Boss is kept away from all kinds of telephone. And computers. And televisions. And the office. Just to be on the safe side. 

Unconfirmed rumours from the impeccable Downing Street source suggest that Raab has been trying to send smoke signals, using candles. Unconfirmed unconfirmed rumours suggest that he has merely succeeded in burning off his ear hair.