LCD Views

HUNGRY BREXIT : Downing Street has issued a rare plea for compliance on behalf of the Great British public as the consequences of its choices come back to bite.

It’s believed the Prime Minister himself will dress as a supermarket shelf stacker today as reports of shortages of food across the U.K. flood social media.

“He’ll go to his local Sainsbury’s and stack the shelves with those amazing new cardboard shelf fillers that supermarkets are using to show where food used to be,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“It will be riveting viewing. There will be some gags along the way too. It won’t all be hard work. I reckon there’s an odds on chance of a reference to The Peloponnesian War too.”

The cardboard shelf fillers have become a stand out feature of grocery shopping recently as supermarkets attempt to reassure shoppers that there will be adequate food. But to some they look like the chalk outline where a grocery murder occurred.

“It’s important that everyone understands it’s not Brexit that is to be blame,” the source adds, “the Continental HGV drivers were always getting stuck in English villages because they used foreign satnavs. Instead of learning to navigate properly they gave up. It’s nothing to do with Brexit and Priti Patel ending freedom of movement once and for all.”

Additional causes of the food shortages appear to be the NHS app, which keeps telling people to stay home to slow the spread of the virus.

“That is incredibly irresponsible and works contrary to the let it rip policy we’ve adopted, although does help confuse people and muddy our true intentions, I grant you.”

However it’s a hidden flaw in the app which has been called out for doing the most damage.

“Giving people a 10% discount on grocery deliveries if they get pinged has been disastrous. In my opinion we need to spend another £37bn and have Dido redesign it to just be about viruses and not online food deliveries.”

A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR : DOWNING STREET is to “hit back” today at the lack of patriotism in the general population as the inevitable Brexit food shortages begin.

It’s believed concern has been growing within the executive for many weeks over what is perceived as a “lack of true grit” amongst voters which is threatening to “undermine the settled will of the people”.

It’s understood a special working group will be set up at “maximum taxpayer expense” to formulate “a plan with more roundabouts and u-turns in it than the Tour de France” to take the fight to “the British people”.

A poster campaign is planned on bus shelters and billboards with morale building slogans such as “weight loss is great loss” and “keep life moving”. As soon as a word that rhymes with “fasting” is found those two will also form the basis of a robust slogan.

“We can’t have all this moaning just because there’s no fresh fruit and veg,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “People have had more than long enough to dig compost into their apartment balconies and prepare their own allotments.”

Mercifully supplies of fine food, delicacies and wines for MPs are not yet under threat.

“The RAF is on standby to airlift in whatever vintages we are running short of,” the source reassures, “and a special cash fund called ‘Liquid Emergency’ has been set aside so aircrew can purchase bottles directly from vintners on the Continent.”

The people however are reminded to be respectful of the “demands of high office and the requirement to keep well lubricated”.

“It’s important everyone blames the food shortages on Brussels or the pandemic,” the source adds. “It is of no consequence that there are no food shortages across the Channel. UK media never bother to look further than the White Cliffs of Dover.”

You can do your bit by stiffening your upper lip and giving your kids a “swift clip behind the ears” should they complain about cat litter replacing cereal for breakfast.

At no stage must anyone seek to undermine Brexit. Priti Patel will soon be making that a crime.

KNOW THYSELF : The United Kingdom is globally regarded as possessing some of the finest accents and biggest idiots ever seen on the planet, and most of them are currently in government. But you don’t have to be in government to be a world beating idiot. And you don’t have to be in government to give interviews.

The idiot in question today is of course self-obsessed, self-appointed super-genius Dominic Cummings. The architect of the lies that won it for Leave and so these days, HGV driver shortages.

Mr Cummings has been prickly since birth, but none more so since the incoming American government of Joe Biden phoned 10 Downing Street last December to say he had to go. Out the front door holding a cardboard box. Because that’s how US viewers want to see high profile firings.

Mr Johnson may have done what he had to do to keep his name on the scrap of paper used as a bookmark in Mr Biden’s good book, but Dom is never going to be reconciled to it. It’s pay pack time. The man who knows all is telling all.

“It’s just a shame he’s only, so far, told us the bleeding obvious,” our Westminster watcher comments. “Thanks Dom, we’ve been living through the endless shithousery you’ve helped orchestrate, we know it. And the people who need to hear it read the Mail, so well let’s have a slow hand clap for Dom.”

While that savage criticism holds good as a general principle to anything Dom has done since leaving No 10, last night’s interview with the Conservative Party media relations manager did hold one nugget of novelty.

“I knew Boris Johnson was completely unsuitable for office. That’s why I helped put him into Downing Street,” Mr Cummings said (well that or words like it), “and I did it because I’m a super genius.”