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Gesture politics is bad, but gesture football fandom is fine, says Boris Johnson

GUESS WHO’S HOPING TO SCORE TONIGHT: Our Glorious Leader is merrily hopping on to the most obvious bandwagon available. This is fine, according to the man who can’t tell Harry Kane from Harry Potter.

Rumours continue to persist that Johnson has already paid someone to write two columns, one celebrating England’s Glorious Victory, one bemoaning England’s Gallant Loss. With any luck, the Daily Telegraph will print the correct one tomorrow morning.

This is a man whose reputation suggests that when he hears the phrase “Sterling’s taken a tumble!”, he instantly checks his investments.

After all, Boris Johnson’s principal talent appears to be cosplaying, not governing. Who shall I be today? A sausage maker? Fork lift truck driver? Football fan? His entire existence seems to have been a series of gestures, and the fact that he claims otherwise carries no weight.

Gesture politics is a bad way to do the business of governing, he claims. His actions suggest that, even if this is true, it’s what he does regardless. However, there seems to be nothing wrong with hastily pulling on an England top over his shirt and tie, to cheer on Our Boys as they win successive matches of the kicky ball game.

So let this fool take his undeserved moment in the spotlight. Let’s savour the moment, and wait for the laughs as Gareth Southgate asks him whether that really should have been a penalty, and he starts talking about vaccines instead.

Hopefully we can get back to the usual business of politics once this is all over. Back to the business of gesture politics like clapping the NHS, slagging off the EU, and Brexit.

Actually, on second thoughts, let’s not. Instead of these empty, futile gestures, why not celebrate our inclusivity, our teamwork, our full integration into European competition, that determine the success of our sporting teams.

In contrast, politically we have the exact reverse with Brexit. They think it’s all over. It is now.

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BREAKING : Downing Street orders U.K. supermarkets to remove empty shelves to conceal food shortages

THERE WILL BE ADEQUATE FOOD : Great news for people hungry to eat sovereignty today with fresh orders from 10 Downing Street to the UK’s food retailers.

Lately social media accounts in the U.K. are filling up with gloating remoaners boasting about how their push for a confirmatory vote has disrupted food supply chains. Downing Street is hitting back!

The hit back is in the form of a directive to the big supermarkets, Tesco, Sainsbury’s, that one the Americans want to asset strip and others to do their “patriotic part to help ensure the success of Brexit”.

Specifically the supermarkets are to be put on a “war footing” and activate Operation Minced Meat.

The secret plan involves the concealment of empty supermarket shelves so “the French and Germans don’t think they can invade us”.

Clearly the threat of invasion is ever present, ever since everyone in Europe agreed it was a horrible idea and committed to working together for peace.

“That was until the Brexiters and Lexiters got a hold of the UK’s reigns of power. Now we need to move swiftly before we’re carpet bombed with croissants and bratwurst to lure U.K. citizens away.”

From midnight Sunday all supermarkets will be required by law to conceal the lack of food. This will be done by removing empty shelves.

“This way shoppers will only see shelves full of produce. Wherever you look there will be adequate food. Additionally the extra room created in the stores will help with social distancing.”

Although Operation Minced Meat is to be triggered for the first time post Brexit, it does follow on from the trials of Operation Food Foto which have been “creating a beach head to baffle the public”.

All Britons can do their part to ensure the successful removal of food from shelves, and then shelves, by joining in the mass U.K. measles party that is currently ongoing thanks to the sociopathic insanity, and inability to understand basic infectious disease control at the heart of government. If you catch it you stay home and you don’t see what’s happening. Brilliant.

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British locust breeders advised to contact Tory MPs to arrange plague to distract from Brexit

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT : Exciting news today for anyone breeding locusts after 10 Downing Street issued an urgent announcement.

“Locusts. We need locusts,” a frantic 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We will however consider crickets and cicadas too. Any insect form really that can be bred to plague levels and released upon the Suffolk Downs.”

The call for locusts comes after a secretive working committee within the executive discovered the Euro2020 football competition ends late Sunday night.

“There’s what? 48-72 hours of distraction left following the result? A week or two if we win I suppose. Then the tri-annual BBC specials, ‘A Very British Homecoming’, but it won’t be sufficient to distract from Covid for long. And Covid is distracting from Brexit. But there’s only so many people in the U.K. willing to give up their lives for that. So we need a fresh plague and we need it now.”

It’s believed a VIP channel has been established for anyone who can supply the insects and people are requested to WhatsApp their local Tory MP today.

“I’ll correct you there. It’s not a new VIP channel it’s the PPE one repurposed. Don’t go giving the public the idea that we’re wasteful with their money.”

The Chancellor is believed to be a strong supporter of the idea and is working up an appropriate slogan, although the “Eat Out to Help Out” slogan may also just be re-deployed.

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Boris Johnson to decide which team to support in Euro2020 final “just before kick off” Sunday

SIX OF ONE HALF DOZEN OF THE OTHER : THE ENGLISH PRIME MINISTER Boris Johnson is said to be “betwixt” camps today regarding the final of the Euro 2020 football competition on Sunday.

Many naively assume the Prime Minister will support the home team, but doing the obvious thing for the benefit of the United Kingdom, and its constituent nations, isn’t necessarily his guiding principle. Just look at Brexit!

“We all think it’s hilarious you think he has any guiding principle at all,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“The PM is having UK Gov run the focus groups now. If it turns out that the culture war being waged by the hard right in the UK has actually turned people off supporting England in sufficient numbers for the final, well, he may have to support Italy. He’s having an Italian team shirt made up at the moment, just as a contingency. If he comes out with a shirt with X on the back, you know he’s decided that’s where his short term political gain lies.”

Those hoping the Prime Minister will support England are of course very few in number, even in England. This is largely explained by his cynical refusal to support the team over the issuing of taking a stand against racism, and taking a knee for equality.

“The England team may have inadvertently done him a favour,” the source comments. “They’re all such smashing lads who play in a great spirit and deal with the right wing rentagobshite nonsense with dignity. Not to mention old Southgate, always one of the PM’s favourite cricketers. It’s made pivoting away from emboldening the racists to backing the England team easier than anyone expected.”

But even if the PM does come out in an England shirt for kick off, don’t think he’ll automatically stay in it all game.

“If the Italians are leading at half time it’s likely Johnson will swap shirts for the second half. But that’s not because he’s a cynical opportunist who cares only to harness popular feeling to his own selfish benefit and will switch positions in a heart beat if he senses the wind has changed direction.”

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Boris Johnson to lead the nation in taking the knee before Sunday’s Euro final kick off

LET ME THROUGH SO I CAN LEAD YOU : ENGLAND’S GREATEST PRIME MINISTER SINCE LORD NORTH, Boris Johnson, is to ramp up his appropriation of the success of the nation’s footballers ahead of Sunday’s Euro2020 final at Wembley.

Rumours emanating from Downing Street suggest that once Mr Johnson wakes up, sometime around midday, his team of genius SPADS will put to him their latest wheeze to capitalise on the success of ‘Team Woke’. This to lead the nation in taking the knee before the Sunday kickoff.

The action will take place outside 10 Downing Street because technicians at Wembley will still be preparing the green screen area for the Prime Minister to stand in front of while watching the match, up to “the last moment possible”. The use of special effects in footage of Mr Johnson watching the game has been key so far, as he’s “mostly bored off his tits and shouting for more bubbly or leering after a waitress”.

Ms Patel is expected to join Mr Johnson in the ceremony but there are concerns that “no one will notice the difference when she kneels”. This is not because of her short stature, but because she’s already about “as low as a human can go” now that she’s been given her head over refugee policy.

Critics of the Prime Minister are not impressed though and claim he’s merely trying to cash in and appropriate the worthy achievements of people more talented and genuine then himself.

“So? That’s a key plank of Tory behaviour, taking other people’s hard work and passing it off as your own for profit,” a 10 Downing Street source commented. “So he’s really being exceptionally genuine when he does it.”

Lee Anderson, the Tory MP famous for boycotting the England team over the knee, is said to be “considering his options” ahead of Sunday’s final.

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Government to supply HGV drivers with amphetamines to combat tiredness – “Like WW2 fighter pilots”

I FEEL THE NEED : Downing Street is pulling out all stops to combat the shortage of HGV drivers in the UK, before the inevitable food riots bring down the regime. All stops that is except reversing the damaging immigration law changes that exacerbated the crisis.

The latest wheeze takes its inspiration from WW2, which everyone knows is the only historical time period of any importance whatsoever for Brexit Britain.

“Britain’s tireless fleet of truck drivers will now be supplied with uppers to keep them going through the long hours of the night,” Transport Secretary Sebastian Fox (allegedly aka Grant Shapps) told LCD Views. “The decision to dope them to the eyeballs came after my colleague Mr Gove said he could hook me up with as much as I need. He assures me it’s all good quality gear, no nose garbage, and just to wait for the call.”

It’s not entirely clear how the amphetamines will get into the UK though with Priti Patel waging war on smugglers. Although suspicions are that the sizeable shipments of the required narcotics may well come in via “diplomatic parcels”.

What hauliers think about the plans to both abolish the safety directives which limit driving time, and now drug their red eyed drivers to the eyeballs, isn’t yet clear.

“We wouldn’t listen to them even if they told us,” Mr Shapps commented. “This is how we got Brexit done. By ignoring all the experts. Now, run along and photograph the empty fruit and veg aisles in your local supermarket.”

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BREAKING : Lorry drivers to be allowed to drive while asleep

COUNTING SHEEP WHILE DRIVING : THE UK GOVERNMENT IN ITS WISDOM has decided to wage war against the United Kingdom and to really ram home its advantage it has today moved to make roads and highways less safe.

The new front in the war against the people concerns HGV drivers, and the lack of them. A problem that stems from Brexit and the ending of FOM, was exacerbated by keeping 10,000 of them in a cold and muddy field last Christmas, and made worse if anyone mentions the real reasons.

“We’re tearing up that Brussels red tape,” Transport Minister Grant Shapps, or whatever he is calling himself today, told LCD Views. “From now on if you’re a HGV driver who wants to earn a little extra money in your sleep have at it!”

The overweening regulations that were brought into place to stop exhausted HGV drivers ploughing into other motorists, bridges and buildings have long been held responsible for the UK’s productivity crisis. Not any more. Britannia is unchained!

“It’s another tangible benefit of Brexit,” Michael Green noted, “the hits from Brexit just keep coming, much like an exhausted lorry driver.”

Although some are concerned that the higher risk of accidents will make people feel even less safe, just as the restrictions around face masks are being lifted.

“It will be up to people’s personal responsibility to avoid being smashed into paste by a massive truck,” Corinne Stockheath added, with a shrug. “You know the risk you’re taking when you get on the motorway. It’s why government ministers prefer flying.”

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The only people allowed to protest are those who never protest, says Priti Patel

DEMONSTRATIN’ YOUR LOYALTY: The new Policin’ Bill has clarified the new rules surroundin’ protestin’ in the UK. The only people allowed to protest will be the only ones who never go on a demo ever. 

This is a good thing, insists the Go Home Secretary, Priti Patel. 

“Protests and demonstrations are public gatherin’s of more than zero individuals,” she explained after the launch of the Bill. “This makes them superspreadin’ events, and are illegal under coronavirus rules. Even though we are now legislatin’ covid out of existence.” 

So whenever two or three are gathered in the name of justice… 

“They will be breakin’ the rules!” trilled Patel. “The police will be instructed to remove the protestors, since the very act of protestin’ means they have forfeited their sovereign right to protest!” 

And what will happen to the protestors? 

“They will be thrown into prison!” cried Patel. “I personally will be throwin’ away the key! We will have law and order in this country. Firm but fair!” 

Will you be givin’ the police greater powers? 

“The police will have the policin’ powers to police the streets powerfully,” Patel clarified. “And if this means clappin’ that awful chap with the placards and the megaphone who keeps disturbin’ the peace with his repulsive anti-Brexit caterwaulin’ in irons, so be it!” 

So it really is crackin’ a nut with a sledgehammer. 

“It means we can imprison whoever we like!” screeched Patel in a fit of honesty. “Anyone who looks like they aren’t embracin’ Brexit. Anyone wearin’ a face covering without a Union Jack on. Anyone lookin’ miserable, bringin’ the country to its knees by not smirkin’!” 

Which is why this new rule applies. 

“Protestin’ will only be legal if you aren’t protestin’ and never have done and never will!” she confirmed. “I don’t see anyone arguin’, and even if they did I could arrest them!” 

It’s a Catch-22 situation. Astonishin’ times we live in. 

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Brits urged “think of all the things PM is responsible for” as they take personal responsibility for safety

BIG BANG BORIS : Downing Street is urging all patriotic citizens of this green and viral land to take personal responsibility for their own safety as the big reopening approaches.

The 19th of July has been set as the day all pandemic restrictions are dropped in England in a desperate attempt to get people spending to hide the consequences of Brexit.

I mean, sorry, um, because who could possibly live with a piece of cloth on their face for a few more weeks if it keeps other people safer? That’s not how we got Brexit done! The same disregard of consequence will see the pandemic fast completed on Blighty! Take that world! And with our border policy you can take any vax resistant strains we produce too!

”The innate good sense of the British citizen will see us all stay safe,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views.

“Have you ever turned up at A&E with a cat stuck on your todger after slipping in the shower while operating an analogue calculator, which became inadvertently lodged in your backside at the same time as the cat foolishly raced in front of you, as you slipped on that slab of butter that you’d innocently left in the shower to warm up so you could use it to make short crust pastry? No? Well. There you go. British common sense at its best. We will all be fine. Clearly.”

If you’ve any concerns at all just list for yourself all the things the Prime Minister is personally responsible for?

“And has he suffered a single consequence? No. See. Bulldog spirit at its best!”

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Home Office orders RNLI to float immigrant transport enterprise to sink traffickers

Home Secretary Priti Patel welcomed a startling new initiative suggested by Nigel Farage to not only substantially cut the number of illegal immigrants attempting to cross the channel, but to boost the funds of the much treasured RNLI.

Mr Farage’s idea is reportedly to use the RNLI to transport immigrants from the French coast to the proposed purpose-built reception centres where asylum seekers can put forward their cases before being deported. Currently, the RNLI craft are collecting immigrants from the English Channel when their dinghies capsize and bringing them ashore in Kent, but it has been suggested that the charity could charge immigrants for the full trip to bolster its funds.

A Home Office spokesman said, ‘The beauty of the idea is that the charity will collect much needed funds by undercutting the vile traffickers, thus putting them out of business. This is of course a key plank of the Home Secretary’s humanitarian immigration strategy.’

Asked where the immigrants would be transported to, the spokesman replied, ‘We are looking at a number of options at the moment with redundant oil rigs, out of service container ships, and the Isle of Wight being amongst the front runners. One possibility of course is to offer a package for transport and accommodation, prices being dependent on the quality of the latter. Naturally, all tickets will include a full return service. In due course we should be able to utilise out of season hotels for our Gold class package deals. It shouldn’t be too costly for our customers as it will, of course, be short term. Very short term.’

An RNLI spokesman said, ‘OK, wait, what?’