Posted on

Tories ready to ditch Johnson just as soon as “someone less competent can be found”

SPAFFER SPATCHCOCKED : The Tory Party is said to be in a restless mood at the moment as Mr Johnson continues his one man impersonation of a living, breathing disaster. The human zeppelin of governance is making a titanic success of both the pandemic and Brexit. Now that the Brexit con is complete, how long will they let old Bunter hang on?

The answer to that may lie in how long it takes the secret society which governs the party to choose the successor, before they make a public display of holding a contest. The kittens are being bagged for the altar as we speak. The dark hoods donned and the kleptocratic, internationalist clique which bankrolls the Tories asked to memorise the codewords and come along for the “day of deciding”.

“There’s a few names in the hat,” a 1922 Committee insider told LCD Views, as he drank a bubbling elixir to allow him to see into the Netherworld and better make his choice.

“There’s Satan. There’s Pestilence. There’s some grey skinned fellow without a nose who claims to come from somewhere called Zargon-2B0. Wherever that is. Apparently they have a booming tax haven industry, so he gets consideration. We’re moving into space don’t you know! Just as soon as we Get Brexit ReDone. By the time we’ve finished promising to act on Climate Change we’ll have to move into space! Ha! Did you know my grandfather was the first man to use sands from the Sahara to jam a camera lens? True story. What were we talking about again? The potion is kicking in. Who are you? Who am I? Who really is running the country? Are you all mad? Aren’t you paying attention to what we’re doing to you? Why the hell do you let us keep being the government? Pass the salt please, I’ve got some wounds to rub.”

While the 1922 Committee is clearly stark raving mad, we do have a short list of the possible successors.

There’s Rishi Sunak. A bookies favourite, but so mired in the mistakes that worsened the pandemic any rival should be able to take him out, no matter how professionally he styles his hair.

There’s Liz Truss. Darling of the party, but a cheese block, so let’s just move on.

There’s Dominic Raab. Intensely dense, he’s in with a shot. And he’s got some distance between himself and the pandemic.

There’s Michael Gove. But having left his wife seems like a sign he’s already bowed out.

There’s Sajid Javid, he wants to kill them all and let God sort them out. He’s a high profile useful idiot. He’ll be left out too.

The list goes on. But whoever is chosen it’ll still be Rupert Murdoch.

Posted on

Downing Street – £375m EU funding Wales lost with Brexit replaced by Tory promises to “level up”

CROESO i LYMDER : 10 Downing Street is not forgetting Wales this week as the UK charges head first into a cliff face. Wales is coming along with the rest of us, which is nice.

Many will recall Michael Gove was famously tasked by Boris Johnson with keeping the Union together, after Boris Johnson and Michael Gove did their utmost to place the future of the Union in jeopardy. It wasn’t just Northern Ireland, Cornwall, Kent and Scotland that Mr Johnson was worried about shedding, it was also Wales. They must stay in the Union until Mr Johnson is bored of being PM.

Mr Gove may currently be MIA, but the fruits of his labours live on beyond the harvest.

“Yes the Welsh lost some minor EU funding which paid for apprenticeships to become English teachers and other things useful to the Welsh,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Castles. I hear they’re big on castles. Traditional industry. We’ll be building more of those. But just because the EU now churlishly refuse to send money to our deprived regions doesn’t mean the Welsh will have to wait. Mr Williamson is going to recruit a Latin teacher from a valley, for a start. Then there’s the boost to domestic poem growing. But we’ve more to offer them still. Mr Redwood will tweet soon about Welsh fish. And we’ve got some Tory grade promises to make. Endless promises to level up!”

The promises are believed ready to roll out, repeated ad nauseum, until the news cycle moves on. Once they are firmly embedded in the national psyche they’ll be broken, just to see if the Tories can get away with it.

“We’re going to level Wales up!” the spokesman promised. “Yes, some areas have been left untended since the end of traditional industries but now they too will get promises to level up! Daily. It’s going to be great. We may even send a bus to drive around Wales with the promises printed on the side of it! Who needs the EU when Boris can make a promise to you!”

Posted on

Downing Street warns EU “Seven days to save Boris Johnson’s career!” as PM’s polls plummet

PLUMMETING POLLS : The EU is well known to have been behind all the great disasters to have befallen the proud and noble people of the United Kingdom. From the decision in Brussels to invade Britannia in 55BC, again in 40something AD and then to collapse the Western Roman Empire and plunge the UK into the Dark Ages, the EU has been there all along, spitefully undermining God’s chosen people. But now it looks like they may finally go too far!

As the UK PM Boris Johnson PLUMMETS IN THE POLLS faster than a deep roller the EU is accused of just “standing idly by and not changing the entire legal framework of the European Union to suit Mr Johnson”.

“How they sleep at night I do not know?” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “They have it in their power to just change the laws that govern the European Union unilaterally to force HGV drivers back to the UK, but they don’t? Why won’t they? You have to ask yourself if they’ve ever reconciled to Brexit being done? It’s time they moved on and did exactly as we tell them.”

And the pressure is building even as the supermarket shelves in the UK are clearing.

“How anyone sane can expect Boris Johnson to manage a crisis of the magnitude growing within the United Kingdom is beyond me. It’s just spite. They see a spoiled man child and they decide to give him a bloody spanking. And they’re supposed to be woke!”

This evening unelected bureaucrat Lord Forst is to be dispatched by 10 Downing Street to Brussels, via trebuchet, with a stiff warning for the tyranny that resides so smugly in its full shops across la Manche.

“You’re about to lose Angela Merkel EU!” Frost will warn the tyrants. “Do you want to lose Boris Johnson too? To lose one statesperson seems like misfortune, but to lose two seems like carelessness! Damn you EU!”

Posted on

BREAKING : Crowdfunder to buy Boris Johnson a vasectomy raises £350m in first week

FAMILIES PLANNING : The U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson stands ready to receive some much needed public support today to adhere to his own professed principles about global population control.

While many across the political divide showered the PM in orgiastic applause at the news of his latest expected blonde bundle of love, others reacted swiftly to attempt to dam the tide. And it wasn’t out of fear of what the Daily Mail would say about a serial adulterer who lives off state handouts on his third marriage with an unknown number of children.

A crowdfunder was established midday yesterday with the aim of “Buying the Prime Minister a vasectomy at the private clinic of his choice”. At the time of publication the money raised was said to be £350m. And that’s just the first week.

It’s not entirely clear who were the largest donors in the effort to stop Mr Johnson breeding, but it’s believed anyone paying attention to his personal history regarding families and refurbishments.

While there’s certainly no intention to malign his current attempts to nurture the feature, it’s felt perhaps he may like to lead by example, after previously stating in vigorous terms the danger to the world from overpopulation.

But critics of the crowdfunder have hit back and reminded everyone that “different rules apply to the born to rule than the hoi polloi”.

Additionally, the decline in the U.K. population caused by first Mr Johnson’s Brexit and now his mismanagement of the pandemic is thought as justification for him to fill the country with his offspring.

Curiosity remains however about the crowdfunder, with rumours suggesting Tory donors are actually the largest contributors as they’re “sick of paying for his nannies and re-wallpapering the nurseries”.

Posted on

BREAKING : Home Office begins issuing deportation notices to foreign babies overseas

NO FOETUS IS AN ISLAND : Controlling Britain’s borders has never been easier since the country sensibly took back control from the tyrannical EU and today breaks the news that Priti Patel’s Home Office is relishing its new found global super power.

The runaway success of the Hostile Environment stands as one of the greatest legacies of the May/Cameron era with its snappy catchphrase “Citizens of Nowhere” fingered by some as the moment the U.K. really took back control of negotiations with the EU. Now Priti Patel is taking the Home Field advantage and driving it into foreign soils.

“Operation In-Utero De-Porto is the next stage in the globally recognised push to rid the U.K. of unwanted peoples. You know the kind, they come to the country and steal jobs. Jobs which right thinking Britons should be doing. Thanks to Brexit we’ve 100’s of 1,000’s of job vacancies now which just shows how successful your government has been pursuing Nigel Farage’s priorities,” a Home Office spokesman told LCD Views.

In-Utero De-Porto has been given “a name that sounds both Latin and Latin” the spokesman explains so that “forrins can better understand it” and has already seen thousands of newborns across the EU issued with pre-emotive deportation notices.

“Those babies know that if they come to Global Britain they’ll be going right back out again. It’s how we will build Empire 2.0. Soon we will be expanding the scheme to issue notices to unborn job thieves and potentially even individual spermatozoa and ovals before they join. You can never go too far when it comes to nipping job crime in the bud.”

But some critics within the Tory Party have expressed alarm at the scheme.

“It’s been misreported that we’re upset over the loss of small but vigorous children for field work and chimney sweeping. Changes to UC will ensure a ready domestic supply of the needed staff,” Swivel Eyes Loon MP told LCD Views.

“What we are really upset over is robbing future Conservative MPs of the chance to persecute people who moved to the U.K. perfectly legally before having the rug pulled from under them. The lost years of mental stress and despair, and the money shakedown that now won’t happen, shows we need a system that lets them in first. Then we punish them.”

Global Britain – You don’t need to wait to come here before being told Leave means Leave.

Posted on

BREAKING : CV19 blamed for damaging Brexit, which otherwise would be “perfect”

BLAMEDEMIC : The pandemic has come in for a lot of flack in recent months but none more so now that it is attacking the holy grail of British politics.

“It’s undermining our sovereignty,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “If it wasn’t for the pandemic we’d have had that trade deal with India sorted. Not a problem. Boris would have flown over there on AirDumb One and they would have fallen at his feet and accepted any terms whatsoever. But no, no, a little strand of RNA thought different. And here we are. It’s so depressing we’re having to lengthen our lunches just to make up more excuses for not choosing elimination as the focus of our pandemic strategy.”

Although the inability of Downing Street to grasp reducing the number of people dying prematurely is actually good for the country, at least the French champagne producers are seeing a benefit.

“No fear there. Boris and his chums will personally see that Champagne stays a wealthy wine growing area, regardless of whatever swill they try and push on us from Kent. Maybe we should blame English sparkling wine producers for undermining Brexit? Most of them wanted it. You’d think they’d be able to make a success of it.”

CV-19 was sought for comment in response to being blamed for undermining Brexit, but responded it was “far too busy making hay now that testing is in decline”.

Brexit was similarly reticent to comment, directing all enquires to “My agents at 10 Downing Street – they’ll make a titanic success of commenting on it”. They are after all the ones “entirely responsible for the form I (Brexit) took and the appalling management of the pandemic.”

Posted on

Remainers to blame for empty shelves – ‘They should have won the referendum’ says government

The blame for the ongoing shortage of lorry drivers and for empty supermarket shelves is the fault of remainers, according to a government spokesman.

‘We wouldn’t be where we are now if more people had voted in favour of EU membership in June 2016,’ said Jason Pratt on behalf of Lord Frost. ‘I mean, it stands to reason that if the chattering classes in Hampstead and the so-called red wall voters in the north had actually got off their backsides and voted in favour of membership, we wouldn’t be in the mess we are now. So it’s their fault, innit?’

Lord Frost later said that the EU has to accept some of the blame.

‘Did you ever hear them warning the hard working fishermen, farmers and transport companies that leaving the EU would result in a loss of their livelihood, shortages of food, the return of the troubles in Northern Ireland and rats the size of otters roaming unchecked through the streets of our fair cities? I certainly didn’t, and why not? Because the BBC and mainstream media were too busy telling us that everything would be nice, so they’re to blame as well.’

Michael Gove, Minister without Point, waded in to the controversy. ‘If only the experts had warned us of the dangers of closing our borders and leaving the largest trading block in the world rather than banging on about getting our sovereignty back, having our cake* and eating it, and how grateful Brits would at last be able to pick cabbages* in a muddy field in Norfolk in January for £3 ph.’

Kevin Pastie, a lorry driver, said, ‘I’ve been stuck in this queue for so long now, that Kent council have told me I need planning permission. It’s disgusting that no-one told Mr Farage what would happen. I blame Jeremy Corbyn.’

*cabbages and cake subject to availability. Only one item per customer.

Posted on

Priti Patel to deport anyone who can speak a foreign language

E PLURIBUS UNUM: Under new English Purity regulations, any person in the UK able to speak a foreign language will be deported. Exceptions to this linguistic cul-de-sac include Latin speakers. 

“Are langwidge is dyin’,” announced Priti Patel as the policy was unveiled. “Anyone talkin’ forrin will be assumed to be a traitor to Ingerland, and I will be deportin’ them. I will be takin’ decisive action, and I have already appointed Lord Digby Jones to police people droppin’ the “G” off of the endin’ of words.”

Why the exception for Latin? 

“Latin, or ‘Lating‘ once Digby gets to work, is an enthrallin’ tong,” snapped Patel. “It’s wot da kidz is lernin’ in da hood, or Eton as you elitists probably call it. It’s been ingrained in the langwidge for, like, years bro, innit, and we isn’t called da Conservative Party for nuffin’!” 

Schadenfreude aside, what do the Great British People think? LCD Views visited the brand-new internment camp for people who don’t speak like Jacob Rees-Mogg. 

“It’s cowing ridiculous!” said Perry Barr from Birmingham. “I’m in here because I said ‘Bostin’ to a policeman!” 

Barr revealed that the camp was full of Scots, Welsh, Scousers and Geordies, the Welsh and Gaelic speakers in solitary confinement. 

“We ‘ave to tike elocution lessons, roight,” said Barr. “To mike us tork proper posh. If you won’t say ‘parse the grarse’ they put you on the next floight to Ascension Oisland.” 

The camp manager, Job Sworth, had a different slant on things.

“If one is in England, one must speak the Queen’s English,” he declared in impeccable Received Pronunciation. “Use of anything else, except Latin of course, is evidence of intellectual elitist EU-loving treachery.” Bostin is not an English word. Would Jacob Rees-Mogg say Bostin? No. Would the Queen say Bostin? No. Precisely the point. This anti-democratic use of non-English words and phrases must be stamped out or we will all end up speaking German!” 

Wunderbar. 

Posted on

BREAKING : Downing Street launches inquiry into why it took so long to blame “last Labour government” for HGV crisis

HANG YOUR HEADS IN SHAME : Tony Blair isn’t often out of the news and he’s back dead centre today, alongside Gordon Brown, after 10 Downing Street launched an inquiry into the HGV driver shortage.

The inquiry is to be headed up by supreme Tory party intellect Andrew Bridgen and will focus on the last Labour government’s attempts to educate the populace. Mr Bridgen is well regarded as a tour de force of Conservative thinking, largely due to his competition.

“It’s shocking what Labour did,” Mr Bridgen told an empty box of cereal. “They done give the kids education. What’s that all for? We need field serfs not scientists. We need chimney sweeps not doctors. We need knocker uppers to make sure the PM gets home before light, not entrepenopeners. I didn’t get where I am today by being educated. You can tell by my every utterance that my own education was sorely lacking. I got here because I’ve a deep sense of insecurity that could only be soothed by bullying people weaker than me. Daily. That’s why I became a Tory MP.”

It’s likely of course that if Mr Bridgen hadn’t settled on politics he would have become a HGV driver.

“It’s only because I didn’t learn Latin that I couldn’t become a HGV driver,” Mr Bridgen illuminates. “The last Labour government has a lot to answer for. Education, education, education was all very well if you’re prepared to fund it out of a basic recognition that the strength of a country is reliant on its education system. Well, that’s not us.”

The inquiry is expected to be wrapped up by lunchtime and its findings delivered on Mr Bridgen’s twitter feed.

“The last Labour government have a lot to answer for,” Mr Bridgen is seething. “Not least the attempts to stop kids turning into gammon.”

Posted on

Latin language lessons to replace French so British schoolchildren forget UK links to Europe

mortuus Cattus : Education Secretary Gavin Williamson has not looked back since his early years as the seventeenth best, secondhand (and recently refurbished) fireplace salesman in Little Dorrit.

In recent years he has held several ministries in the long running Tory rule. The high point clearly being fired for leaking secrets while Defence Secretary. But failure is no barrier to advancement under Boris Johnson. Now Mr Williamson has the education of mighty Global Britain’s tender young minds in his care.

So it comes as no surprise that he has decided to do something as twattishly stupid as force British state school children to learn Latin. Which will come as a surprise, no doubt, to their teachers many of whom will now also be learning Latin.

“Some might think that increased funding, food and more teachers would be of greater help,” a source close to Gav said, “but they haven’t seen the whip he keeps on his desk. He’s very impressive.”

Clearly though, in spite of the whip, critics are less than impressed.

That could be regarded as an improvement for Mr Williamson who is so desperately insecure and mediocre such an estimation is a factum massive.

“He says learning Latin will prepare schoolchildren to learn modern languages,” a baffled Education expert comments. “Why not just then teach them modern languages? Ones they can actually practice in real life situations? The guy is a complete twat. Which is actually how you say Gavin Williamson in Latin.”

Regardless of the harping on of detractors Mr Williamson has the support of 10 Downing Street for the changes.

“The PM thinks it’s a great windup and will distract everyone for a few days from the hash he’s made of the UK’s food supplies. So have at it Gavin,” a 10 Downing Street source says.

“And besides it’s best they learn Latin. Learning French or Italian will just remind them of the deep links of friendship and unity we severed to achieve Brexit. And we don’t want that.”