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Johnson to make White Cliffs of Dover into British Mount Rushmore to celebrate end of pandemic

YOU’D HAVE TO BE STONED: The prime minister of the United Kingdom, Boris Johnson, has hit the ground running in efforts to make Brits smile now the pandemic is over.

“He wants to chisel out his legacy,” a curvaceous blonde, claiming to be a Johnson aide, told LCD Views, “most prime ministers make the mistake of waiting till they are near the end of their time to think about legacy. Boris is too smart for that. Look what happened to David Cameron? Danny Dyer has written his legacy, everyone now thinks of Cameron as the twat with his trotters up in a shepherd’s hut shed. Theresa May? OMFG.  Such a bonfire. Boris isn’t going to make the same rookie error.”

To avoid others writing his legacy it’s believed Mr Johnson is planning to carve out a symbolic statement that none will be able to ignore.

“The White Cliffs of Dover as so boring anyway,” the aide shrugged, “but once the many faces of Boris are chiselled into them, they will be an unmistakable picture of what happened to the UK in the 21st Century.”

In order to speed construction of the spectacle it’s thought Mr Johnson will declare a state of emergency.

“Gove is right behind the idea,” the aide reveals, “Boris ran into him while he was out jogging. They had a good chat about it. They really looked each other in the eyes, as neither was about to turn their back on the other. Boris said he would make Gove head of the project. Gove agreed readily, although he said maybe Rupert Murdoch should be on the cliff too? But they can settle that later. I don’t think Boris is going to go for that. He’s so many faces, you don’t need anyone else.”

It’s believed the money for the monumental exercise will come from the Brexit dividend.

“Don’t tell anyone, because I can’t vouch for this, but I heard he’s planning a windfall tax on the bank accounts of nurses. He’ll give a symbolic pound back to the NHS, and the rest will be spent constructing Mount Borismore at Dover.”

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“Only a super genius would help an idiot become PM” – Dominic Cummings

KNOW THYSELF : The United Kingdom is globally regarded as possessing some of the finest accents and biggest idiots ever seen on the planet, and most of them are currently in government. But you don’t have to be in government to be a world beating idiot. And you don’t have to be in government to give interviews.

The idiot in question today is of course self-obsessed, self-appointed super-genius Dominic Cummings. The architect of the lies that won it for Leave and so these days, HGV driver shortages.

Mr Cummings has been prickly since birth, but none more so since the incoming American government of Joe Biden phoned 10 Downing Street last December to say he had to go. Out the front door holding a cardboard box. Because that’s how US viewers want to see high profile firings.

Mr Johnson may have done what he had to do to keep his name on the scrap of paper used as a bookmark in Mr Biden’s good book, but Dom is never going to be reconciled to it. It’s pay pack time. The man who knows all is telling all.

“It’s just a shame he’s only, so far, told us the bleeding obvious,” our Westminster watcher comments. “Thanks Dom, we’ve been living through the endless shithousery you’ve helped orchestrate, we know it. And the people who need to hear it read the Mail, so well let’s have a slow hand clap for Dom.”

While that savage criticism holds good as a general principle to anything Dom has done since leaving No 10, last night’s interview with the Conservative Party media relations manager did hold one nugget of novelty.

“I knew Boris Johnson was completely unsuitable for office. That’s why I helped put him into Downing Street,” Mr Cummings said (well that or words like it), “and I did it because I’m a super genius.”

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Study reveals British public no longer know “What we pay the government for?”

PENNY WISE : A wide ranging and comprehensive survey has revealed the Great British Public no longer know what they pay their government for?

The survey, which consisted of reactions to one post on Twitter by this global publishing megahouse, received limited but encouraging feedback. Given that we are in 21st century Brexitannia that is all that is required for a raft of policy changes and opinion pieces.

“No one has the foggiest,” lead researcher, Doctor Puffin’ Stuffed, asserts, “the centre to left clearly think it’s a giant waste of cash. What with the rapid regression of the country to feudalism (complete with plague!) under the current parliament, and the ones preceding it. But the gammon aren’t best pleased either. Desperate people keep making it to our shores. If Priti Patel and Dan the Clandestine Channel Threat Commander are to earn their keep, how the hell is that happening? Why haven’t laser guided, specially trained combat sharks been released to patrol the English Channel? AND DID YOU KNOW THE FRENCH CALL THE english CHANNEL ‘la Manche’? WHY HAVEN’T WE INVADED FRANCE?”

The confusion is well founded, especially when you consider how many additional jobs members of parliament are allowed to take on, with a few hours work often exceeding their MP salary. You can even get your flat refurbed by donors. Who cares about running the country? Except as a racket.

But sadly for the opposition it isn’t much better. There’s a suspicion that decades of enrichment of Labour leaders, Union bosses, head teachers and so on has been an exceptionally clever wheeze by the right wing to draw them into the establishment. If you’re in the establishment and become a multi-millionaire off the status quo, there is perhaps limited internal desire to change it. Although some weekends will be set aside for waving placards.

Unfortunately for the people there maybe limited impact if they simply stop paying members of parliament.

“Most of them have sufficient external streams of income, well padded nests, offshore investments, wealthy donors and so on. They’ll miss the spare change of the MPs salary, but it’ll be fine if they still have the subsidised bar.”

It’s almost like the entire show is no longer fit for purpose.

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Follow the rules, says man who makes up the rules as he goes along

SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE: The rules are there to protect everyone, claims Crime Minister Boris “The Virus Man” Johnson. Particularly himself, it seems. 

“It’s very simple, folks,” Johnson waffled in a suspiciously pre-recorded statement. “Follow the rules, follow the science, follow the van, don’t dilly dally on the way, build back better, levelling up, erm, erm, yes, no, wiff waff, vaccines!” 

Characteristic clarity, we can all agree. 

“Rules are there to help us all get through this pandemic,” he continued, gamely attempting to sound grave. “And if I don’t like the rules, then I change them, because freedom is the way to beat the virus. And vaccines. Lots of lovely vaccines. So follow the rules, follow the science, follow… yes, no, erm, I’ve already done that bit, wiff waff, and if I change the rules without telling anyone, then tough. It’s up to you now! Vaccines vaccines vaccines!”

Science is a wonderful thing. It takes all the available evidence and draws reasoned conclusions. Government Science, however, operates in reverse. Government Science takes the desired conclusion and twists the evidence to fit. 

The Johnson government excels at Government Science. 

Freedom Day is just one example. “Data, not dates,” they crowed sanctimoniously, before fixing a date and ignoring the data. 

LCD Views decided to investigate a little deeper, so we spoke to the ubiquitous anonymous Number Ten source. 

“Follow the rules, how much clearer can we be?” said the Source irritably. 

What are the current rules on, say, wearing a mask in public?

“You should wear a mask if you like,” said the Source. “But you don’t have to if you don’t want to. Simple.” 

How does that help public health? 

“Public health? What the devil has this got to do with public health?” exclaimed the Source. “It’s about sowing confusion and dodging responsibility. Good day to you.” 

You should follow the rules, then. But not if you don’t like the rules. Seems fair. 

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U.K. PM to continue to self isolate from personal responsibility while at Chequers

NOT WAVING DROWNING : Important news from Chequers today as the U.K. Prime Minister Spaffer Johnson begins his period of self-isolation in the cramped confines of the country estate.

“He’s just like your average voter,” a source inside the mansion told LCD Views. “When notified that he’d been in contact with a confirmed case, in this case his Health Secretary, he wondered at first if he could flout the rules and carry on like normal? This not being possible he hightailed it out of dodge so he had 1,500 acres to isolate in. This does actually make the public a lot safer.”

But critics have suggested that the mere physical removal of the country’s Prime Minister from central London makes no difference while he’s still in post.

“I mean the guy who took your freedom of movement across an entire continent off you is telling you today is freedom day as the lethal virus rages in the U.K.? As other countries exercise their sovereignty and tell us to stay away? He’s an arch pisstaker, I’ll give him that. Field Marshall Gaslight.”

Clearly the real flaw in the most recent debacle is the public getting to find out the Health Secretary has the virus to begin with.

“It’s a total joke. We’re supposed to be building a fascist autocracy and leaks like this keep happening? There will need to be a full and thorough inquiry to work out how the public keeps learning things that are in the public interest. Like how incompetent the ministers are.”

But there will at least be consistent, strong and stable leadership from the PM while he hides from the consequences of his choices at Chequers.

“Be in no doubt, your Prime Minister will continue to self isolate from personal responsibility during his stay at Chequers. Even when he’s having a lie in.”

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BREAKING : Downing Street advises Brits to stop bathing to ensure social distancing after Freedom Day

STINK OUT TO SPACE OUT : As the minutes count down to the end of the pandemic in England 10 Downing Street isn’t ignoring its responsibility to issue up to date safety guidance.

“While clearly from midnight tonight it’s going to be a free for all with your fellow citizens deciding what’s best for your health and safety, that doesn’t mean we’re comfortable to let it be a free for all,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “I mean common sense means different things to different people. They guy who stuck 10 dairy creme eggs up his bum, the guy who stuck a red flare in his bum and the people who phoned the emergency services over a KFC chicken shortage will have different ideas about how to stop you catching a potentially lethal infectious disease than you do. This is why we’ve issued our latest guidance.”

The guidance itself concerns personal hygiene, which has been a focus all through the extended U.K. experience of the pandemic.

”You’ve all been washing your hands, which is great, but did you realise that to keep safe from tomorrow it will be best to stop bathing the rest of you?”

Specifically the update from 10 Downing Street advises Brits to cease all bathing and showering all together, and thankfully that’s not because of a water shortage. Yet.

“If you’re worried about the maskless cockwombles as you line up at the supermarket you don’t have to feel anxious. If you reek to high heaven no one is going to want to stand close to you. This will ensure social distancing remains in place even as your government attempts to collapse your national health service.”

Stop showering. Wave your arms. Shop safely.

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BREAKING : Boris Johnson to resume “shaking hands” with everybody in hospitals from Monday

SUPER SPREADER IN CHIEF : The UK’s world leading pandemic leader, and also prime minister, is to pick up where he left off early last year.

With all restrictions set to be lifted in England from Monday Mr Johnson is reported to be planning to lead by example, as England becomes the global epicentre of failed infectious disease control.

It is said that he will spend the week dressed in a range of outfits and visit as many locations as possible, with his unmasked team, to really give the next stage of the pandemic a boost.

“First off he’s going to dress as a scientist and ignore safety guidance and spread whatever he can around a high security laboratory,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“Tuesday the photoshoot will be at a primary school. Big beaming smiles and kids playing along because they want their parents to come home again. We all know schools in England are immune to all infectious microbes. Especially cold ones. This has successfully guided the PM’s response to the pandemic so far. Just look at the numbers we’re hitting!”

But the prize turkey will be making the biggest show when he visits an NHS hospital.

“We’re not going to make a success of our experiment in mass delusion if people are still afraid to die or be maimed to ensure the success of Mr Johnson’s reign. So hospitals will have to take a serious hit in the coming weeks and months. They’re great targets as the staff can’t strike. If they do people will die. Happily that’s not a concern that overly burdens the PM.”

It’s said that Mr Johnson will shake hands with everyone possible in the hospital, just to ensure the range of symptoms patients present are “levelled up” across the wards and amongst the staff.

“We can get the pandemic done!” the source adds. “It’s a choice. And your government has chosen the path where some of you will die, and they’re okay with that.”

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BREAKING : British PM Boris Johnson unaware CV19 is infectious

WHAT GOES AROUND : BREAKING news from Downing Street today after a completely fabricated leak for the purpose of this critique of government stunned the world.

Just after midday official papers bearing British Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s signature were found at a fictional bus stop recently installed in this publication’s mind on Downing Street. The papers are alleged to contain large font scrawling by Mr Johnson demanding to know how everyone “keeps catching this bloody idea they should all stay at home?”

Further in the documents Mr Johnson states that he suspects the actual cause of the long running, world beating U.K. experience in the pandemic maybe “ergot poisoning” as so many people appear to disagree with his idea of a reality focused solely on himself. The entire damn country has “dancing sickness and we must find the phonograph and turn the bally music off!”

While the revelation maybe made up it is thought by experts to be the only rational answer to Mr Johnson’s stubborn refusal to believe that Monday 19th July is not the day to declare the pandemic over, and lift all remaining restrictions.

“Either he is not aware the pandemic is caused by a highly infectious, potentially lethal virus or he’s a total sociopath unfit to govern. It’s one of the other,” one expert commented.

Anyone alarmed at the discovery their Prime Minister can not grasp the basics of infectious disease control is advised to use their own common sense and wait for the Prime Minister to attempt to clap for the NHS again, late summer.

“I’d be making plans for the next lockdown now,” another expert commented, “because as long as the U.K. strategy continues to be written for the convenience of Tory MP’s lifestyles we are all completely stuffed.”

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Government orders Spitfire fly past over farms of unpicked food

LOOK UP IN THE SKY : It’s a good thing the legend currently infesting 10 Downing Street isn’t into gesture politics or nothing maybe done to counteract the negative blowback from his idea of politics.

Of course some pain is to be expected as the UK forges a new destiny as a fully sovereign, free trading nation free from the grip of fresh food imported from the Continent. But that doesn’t mean we have to have our eyes downcast!

“We can all look up and feel elated,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “Yes, there is some temporary disruption to the workforce on English farms, but that’s only because of the pandemic and nothing to do with having Priti Patel stand at Heathrow with a stick. Once we’ve let the virus rip and achieved herd immunity by way of discarding unwanted humans you’ll see those seasonal workers flock back in. And not just to immigration detention centres.”

But in the meantime there may need to be one or two measures to keep the Blitz Spirit strong in the population.

“We’ll be organising Spitfire fly pasts. It’s what Mr Johnson does best. He often makes little model Spitfires out of empty wine crates and shambles around the Downing Street flat making plane noises. Not to entertain his offspring you understand, just because he likes it. But he’s also ordering fresh fly pasts over British farms.”

The fly pasts will continue for as long as the food is rotting on the farms.

“So just for the next year or two while we wait for British farmers to throw in the towel and order their food from America.”

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Downing Street orders rotting crops covered with Union Flags to make it clear the rot is patriotic

BREXIT SMELLS BAD : There’s nothing in modern Britain that can’t be fixed by the liberal application of the Union Flag.

News reports are filling up with the rotten harvest of Brexit as astonished farmers discover Priti Patel’s attempts to dissuade foreigners from coming to the UK has had a surprising affect on seasonal workers.

No one stuffed to the gills with British Exceptionalism expected that. Why wouldn’t people go through hell and high water to visit our plague ridden island, to live in a damp caravan, and work for minimum wage all hours of the day, just to be told to F O before they leave? Absolutely BAFFLING!

But baffled or not the UK Government now has another self inflicted problem on its hands as farmers in England watch, and smell, their harvest rotting.

Clearly the only way to salve those new wounds is with the liberal application of flags. If people see a Union Flag covered field they’ll automatically assume we’re winning just by association with the old Butcher’s Apron.

The flag roll out will begin immediately with open air fields and poly tunnels becoming a much more colourful red, white and blue than the drab greys and sour greens of rotting veg.

Brits concerned about food shortages need not worry about them though, as they’ll soon be here, or you can do your bit to combat climate change and pay a fiver for a courgette flown in from the other side of the world!

Brexit. It stinks. Mostly of compost. Oh, and corruption, and perhaps a fair share of incompetence. They should make it into a fragrance.