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Country that can’t stock its supermarkets dispatching trade envoys around the world

REWARD FOR EFFORT : Alleviating news this week that Boris Johnson’s trade genius Liz Truss has been ordered to award prominent Brexiters with even more public cash expenditure.

The overwhelming majority of nostalgia freaks who could never grasp the value of Union with the EU27 have already been ennobled, which is nice, and now they’re being given additional ways to spend their retirements.

“We’re sending them all around the world to talk up trading with the United Kingdom,” a small parasite that lives on the apple discarded in one of Ms Truss’s desk drawers told LCD Views. “Botham, Hoey and the rest of the list of shame are going to go about the world carrying the new variants we produce with our herd immunity experiments and bring back trade for Blighty.”

It’s believed the envoys, who demonstrably know nothing at all about trade, because they’re Brexiters, will serve to big up Blighty and lead to a wealth of trade. At least until the internet is invented.

“It’s hoped one of them will find Eldorado,” the small parasite explains, “and be able to bring home fully stocked supermarket shelves. Nando’s with chicken. McDonalds restaurants with milkshakes. Beefeaters with beef. So on like this. It’ll solve those Brexit teething problems.”

The other driving force for it is the same as that behind Mr Johnson’s trade dinghy.

“Mr Johnson also knows sod all about trade. He bases his policies on a fetish for imperialism and not realty. The trade envoys fit neatly into that.”

But some are not entirely impressed. Surprisingly they’re not all overseas, and the long suffering functionaries that will have to entertain our clueless heralds.

“We can’t even stock our supermarkets, but sure let’s send Beefy to Australia to explain to the Aussies that we’re a trading powerhouse. That makes perfect sense.”

Perfect Brexit sense. Which means it’s nonsense.

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Liz Truss appoints Botham as trade envoy to Australia because like her he knows “f*ck all” about trade

STICK A FLAG ON IT : A special kind of talent is needed these days to embarrass the U.K. overseas and many thought we’d exhausted the available talent pool after five years of Brexit, but Liz Truss has stepped up to the plate and hit another six.

It seems Dominic Raab’s week long spot in the spotlight as most humiliating Secretary of State is over, at least for the day, after Ms Truss wowed social media with an announcement that old Beefy himself was now a trade envoy to Australia.

The choice of the famous cricketer of forty years past to wow Australia into demanding imports of cheddar and pasties was obvious because “he’s a committed Brexiter and so knows fuck all about trade”.

This deep and enduring knowledge aligns neatly with Ms Truss’s own. We’ve all just got to hope the Aussies don’t mention it.

“Rewarding Brexiters for their pigheaded commitment to our mission to make the United Kingdom the most embarrassing country on Earth is vital to the success of Brexit,” an aide to Ms Truss told LCD Views. “It’s all very well to destroy a vital trade system with the EU, but you’ve got to have somewhere far away that can never replace it.”

Lord Botham should have special success Downunder because the distant antipodean colonial upstarts are well known to have an automatic deference to English titles.

“We expect once Botham staggers off the Union Flag plane they’ll line up to doff their caps and give the mother country whatever he demands,” the aide adds, “although of course it would be handy if the EU has any established agreements we can just cut and paste, weaken the conditions of and then sign in a hurry. This has been Ms Truss’s successful recipe.”

Whatever the impact on trade though is thought to be unimportant.

“This is primarily about rewarding Brexiters for their ability to deny reality and live in a mind palace of total fantasy and privilege. As such it only matters that they feel puffed up, not that they achieve anything. Brexit isn’t about that.”

It wasn’t just Botham in the news though, Baroness Hoey has been appointed trade envoy to Ghana presumably because everyone wants to get her as far away from the House of Lords as possible.

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BREAKING : Downing Street say cancellation of winter Wicker Man is because of “pingdemic”

SOME PEOPLE JUST WANT TO SEE THE WORLD BURN : Sorry news today for Brits anticipating the revival of traditional British festivities with the announcement that the endless ‘pingdemic’ has claimed another victim.

It was anticipated that a winter edition of the classic Wicker Man festival would be held up and down the length of the country to celebrate a full of year of freedom from the tyrannical EU and its supply of much needed skilled labour and food. Sadly the Wicker Man has been contacted by the NHS App and told he has to self-isolate.

“He won’t be able to practice for being burnt now,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “You don’t just rock up and set fire to yourself. This isn’t Brexit. Intense training and preparation is needed. By the time the Wicker Man comes out of self-isolation in September there won’t be enough time left to prepare.”

The cancellation of the festive day is a double blow as a special giant sized vegan sausage roll had been commissioned from Gregg’s to be burnt with the giant wicker statue. Gregg’s have refused to comment, but one prominent front bench Tory MP is said to be “fumin'” as she calculated the incineration of the controversial snack would really “fire up her base”.

There were already rumours that the special day was in jeopardy because of the imposition of a surprising range of new red tape from Brussels simply because we left the trading union with the EU27.

“This is provably false and just another pathetic attempt to smear Brexit,” the source explains, “patriotic Brits had already supplied enough 70’s wicker furnishings that they had laying about in their sheds. The Wicker Man was done and ready to burn. It’s the pingdemic.”

As a consolation for the loss of the festival Brits will be encouraged to come together in green spaces near their homes, put up the Union Flag bunting and just punch themselves in the face for several hours.

“Everyone has been doing that since mid 2016. It should be a very professional display by now of what Brexit means.”

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BREAKING : Vitamins added to UK water supply to combat food shortages

STRONG AND STABLE SHORTAGES : Welcome relief for people today who are bored of staring at the widening gaps in supermarkets across the United Kingdom with remedial action being taken by the Executive.

Clearly one way to deal with the supply side crisis is to reverse the changes to immigration laws that ended Freedom of Movement for good. But that would rob the mighty British public of the amazing victory of no longer being able to easily live, work, study, settle, love and holiday across the entirety of the EU, while stoping the EU27 citizens from coming over here and stealing our classic British summer.

What point a stable food supply when it means that a highly educated Continental can just waltz over here and increase our economic output?

“Obviously Brexit was always going to need a bit of the old Blitz Spirit to make a success of it,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “This is why we spent so much time in 2016 and after pointing out it won’t all be plain sailing as we seize the advantages of Liz Truss pretending to do trade deals. So now we’re into the business end of Brexit.”

And the business end of Brexit means finding ways to alleviate a crisis in food supply.

“We’ve already added compounds to the water supply to make enough people believe Brexit is fantastic,” the source explains. “That’s why a tiny percentage voted to do it in a non-binding opinion poll. But now we need to step up that strategy to keep Brits fed. If you’re water tastes a bit funny after today it’s because the Vegemite shipments Liz Truss has secured from Australia have been added to your water to keep you full of Vitamin B!”

Brexit Britain. Lean. Mean. Hungry. Just the way we like it.

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Mass imprisonment of Brits begins to supply enough workers for hospitality industry

YOU VOTED FOR GULAGS : BRITISH CITIZENS have failed to heed the summons to work and now the British government has to take the corrective action required to rectify the slovenly habits of a famously work shy population.

The productivity puzzle has long been an issue for the British economy, with austerity, privatising public services and making them rubbish, failing to invest to modernise infrastructure and everyone having to spend hours just to get to and from work as a result having nothing to do with it.

“The situation with HGV drivers, farm workers and hospitality short staffing can not be allowed to deteriorate further,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We’ve pulled some army drivers in for transport, but that is a sticking plaster. We’re allowing restaurants to employ prisoners, but that only gets us so far because the last Labour government failed to imprison enough Brits.”

The solution it seems is a mass imprisonment drive.

“Priti Patel came up with it,” the source explains, “which will surprise no one. She’s a real firecracker when it comes to crime and punishment. From today we will be criminalising such activities as ‘being outdoors’ and ‘grocery shopping’. Being outdoors will also include being in your back yard. So watch out. If you don’t want to find yourself plucking chickens in a farm in Norfolk by close of play today, stay inside. Or go overseas like a Tory MP.”

The mass imprisonment scheme will obviously exclude Tory MPs, their families and donors, but everyone else is for it.

“You actually want to be the first to be imprisoned and released to forced labour,” the source advises. “We don’t have sufficient police to enforce even a ban on e scooters. So the initial wave of detainees will become police who will then arrest people for soft fruit farms. Go for a walk after lunch today and be in uniform before you get home. Be a self-starter, or find yourself in chains on a farm.”

Global Britain. It’s what a minority of the people wanted after an industrial psy-ops campaign, but all get to share the benefits.

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Dominic Raab amazed by number of UK secret services – “There’s the M1, M2, M3, M4, M5 and more!”

A MISTAKE ANYONE CAN MAKE : The UK’s best loved beachgoer Dominic Raab is said to be taking some time out of his busy schedule this morning to just be amazed.

It’s important for everyone to pause now and then and process their life. The endless grind of modern work doesn’t allow sufficient time for most to reflect on their life experiences and order their minds. This is not a problem for Raab. Firstly because of the size of the mind there is to order and secondly because he’s really good at downing tools, no matter what’s happening at work.

“Mostly today I’m going to be amazed at the sheer number of the UK’s security services,” he told a webcast on Onlyfans, “it was only relatively recently that I realised it’s not just the M5 and M6, there’s the M1, M2, M3, M4, hang on I’ve got to change hands to keep counting. Wait. I can do M5 on this hand also if I count the thumb as a finger. Now I’ve lost count. Where was I? Anyway, it goes all the way up to the M25! We are the most secure country on Earth. World beating.”

But while the esteemed intellect of the British government was reassured by the investment in spy agencies to keep Brits safe, he did have a revelation that disappointed.

“By contrast to our ability to produce James Bonds, we’re doing terrible at motorways,” he looked sad. “Did you know for the entire country there’s only the Mi5 and Mi6. No one can tell me what the ‘i’ stands for either. No wonder it takes forever to get anywhere in this country. A severe underinvestment in modernising the transport infrastructure that is the fault of the last Labour government. It’s why Tory MPs have to go everywhere by helicopter.”

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BREAKING : Downing Street selects Hartlepool for cannibalism trial

WORLD FIRSTS : The good and loyal people of Hartlepool have been selected for a cannibalism trial by 10 Downing Street.

The decision to “test drive” eating other people in the town was taken to reward them for electing a Conservative MP in the recent by-election, and blaming the Labour council for it.

“Mr Johnson wants to level up the country and reward those areas especially which have shown loyalty to him, but which he doesn’t personally intend to visit anymore,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The people of Hartlepool will have the freedom to decide how they select who gets eaten. We suggest the traditional technique favoured by shipwrecked sailors of drawing lots. But it will be at their discretion. Perhaps survival of the fittest would be more fitting for Brexit Britain.”

To ensure the success of the trial the town will be surrounded by military assets. This has caused some dissent within the Conservative Party with several MPs concerned it will only worsen the HGV driver crisis.

“This could backfire on us,” Pingle Bumblebum, MP for Blue Rosette, told LCD Views. “People waiting for their supermarkets to get deliveries will have to wait longer while army drivers are diverted to form a cordon around Hartlepool. I’m not sure if it’s been fully thought through.”

The exact recipes the Hartlepoolians should use when cooking one another aren’t yet clear. It was thought that livers could be cooked with fava beans and accompanied by a nice chianti, but there are supply side issues on both.

“The pingdemic means that the drivers who would usually have taken the fava beans and Italian wines to Hartlepool are currently self-isolating driving HGV’s in EU27 countries. We recommend that people go ahead and forage herbs from local verges.”

It’s not recommended that anyone tries just eating their neighbours ‘tartare’ as “why miss out on a chance to level up your British summer by failing to BBQ.”

If the scheme is successful in reducing the demand in Hartlepool supermarkets it will be expanded across the country.

“People voted overwhelmingly to endanger their food supplies in the 2016 referendum,” Pingle Bumblebum added, “this is just the natural consequence. We’re not going to do anything else about it. If I were you I’d practice sprinting now, before your town joins Hartlepool.”

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“Turnip-Chilli hybrid a danger to British WILLIES!” Claims BOFFIN

The men of Britain are in real danger of never fathering children again, claims Professor Winston Churchill, head researcher at Food Safety and Fertility Clinic, Boston.

“I blame the scientists,” Professor Churchill told LCD Views. “They can never leave well enough alone. Food was safe before generics was understood. An onion was an onion. It’s important to know your onions.”

The latest food danger is an attempt by insane horticulturists to create a turnip-chilli hybrid.

“Fancy flavours like that are all well and good for novelty crisps but they should never be within throwing up distance of an actual British kitchen,” the Professor warns. “It’s not going too far to say the fertility of our great nation is at risk. This could actually be a foreign plot to sabotage the future of our armed services.”

The Professor is too patriotically polite to mention Brexit’s part in all this, so we will have to. Food imports are facing a crisis due to the work shy nature of EU HGV drivers. This means more British food will have to be grown in Britain and not in Catalonia. This means turnips. Lots and lots of turnips.

“The turnip is traditionally the safest vegetable for native Britons,” Professor Churchill notes, “but if the genes of turnip-chilli hybrids escape into the wild and mix with classic turnips on farms, all hell will break loose.”

Sunday is the day of particular risk.

“When the man of the house prepares the Sunday roast and chops up that turnip, unaware it’s a chilli hybrid, then goes to relieve himself as nature intended? Well, I hope you have the fire brigade, the ambulance service and Porton Down all on speed dial. And forget that fifth child.”

Forewarned is forearmed. And unlike British willies, turnips aren’t the intended playthings of idle hands. Turnips. Let’s leave them as nature intended and continue to enjoy world class fertility rates in British men.

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“Defeat by the Taliban is Johnson’s Churchill moment” – Downing Street

TORY BRITAIN TODAY : 10 DOWNING STREET is busting a gut to put lipstick on the ever present pig today after Boris Johnson napped through events in Afghanistan, and woke up to find his Foreign Secretary on holiday and his administration on fire.

The issues appear to have started when Donald Trump decided to deal with the Taliban and the British Prime Minister (apparently in a coma at the time) went along with it. This mistake was underlined by a parallel one of assuming the then US President would be able to gaslight his way into a second term. Alas, it was not to be, although no one thought to wake up Johnson to tell him it maybe time to reconsider.

Now, unfortunately for Johnson’s true fans, he finds his international reputation taking a battering just when no one thought it could get any worse. But it is worse. The Afghanistan failure risks foremost the lives of people there who trusted Britain. It also punctures the delusional mythology of Tory MPs about their own country, which they’ve done so much to ruin lately, but no one has thought to mention it.

“Johnson was too busy with Brexit anyway to worry about Trump’s deal with the Taliban,” a 10 Downing Street insider tells LCD Views. “He was having far too much fun hammering the bubbles and thinking up new ways to have Lord Frost wind up the EU. Then there was wallpaper to choose. A prop dog to hire. Too many plates in the air at one time.”

But all is not lost as the crack team the PM surrounds himself with can be guaranteed to find away to spin the mess Raab made away.

“We’re going with it’s Johnson’s defining Churchillian moment,” the source says. “Draw on that powerful emotional network in the minds of voters linked to WW2. It’s got us out of every problem before now. Why wouldn’t it work? Just so long as no one thinks to say it is Johnson’s Churchillian moment, but it’s Gallipoli.”

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“Because we screwed up we have to pretend the Taliban are trustworthy” – Downing Street

LOOK INTO MY EYES : BORIS JOHNSON’S holiday plans are in tatters this week after a lazy assumption that everyone else in the UK is as indifferent to suffering as he is.

Even critics of the beleaguered Prime Minister are feeling moved to sympathy today as the crisis involving Mr Johnson’s failed Foreign Secretary, Dominic Raab, grips the news cycle for another day.

“It’s not fair, really, is it?” Ranter176 said on Twitter. “He has been able to show a disregard of human suffering at home. Since the Tories first returned to power in 2010 and then really ramping that callous indifference right up during the pandemic. What government allows an endless culture war debate over masks in a respiratory pandemic? What government allows women holding a vigil to be slammed into the dirt but anti-mask idiots to protest outside vaccination centres? And youngsters terrified for the future of their planet face long prison centres? Not a government that is focused on public health and safety as a priority. Not by appearances. Anyway, this 280 character limit for Tweets needs looking at. I’ve got a lot of sympathy for the old shagger and I can’t give”

But the unusual shows of support will do little to help the sorry state of Mr Johnson’s administration.

“We are looking for a slogan to solve this crisis,” a 10 Downing Street aide told LCD Views. “Something like Get Afghanistan Done could work. Other than that we are flummoxed. What to get Raab to resign for that Johnson hasn’t himself also done?”

Clearly there is intense confusion in the Executive. Not only the initial error of going along with anything prize idiot Donald Trump initiated, but how to solve what it is a deeply damaging furore that shows no sign of stopping.

“We’re firefighting. It’s true. The current position is to pretend the Taliban can be trustworthy partners,” the source said, looking increasingly desperate. “Which is hilarious when you stop and think about it. But then, when you look at how Johnson’s government behaves on the deals it agrees, there’s a kind of sense to it.”