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“Brits set to spend less on food than anyone in Europe” – PM celebrates Brexit wins

ENGLAND’S A GARDEN : Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to set out plans later today to deal with the worsening food supply crisis in what will be welcome relief for voters from the Afghan crisis.

“Let me be clear there is no intention to unwind recent immigration law changes,” he will tell a grateful nation. “The Home Secretary’s victory of ending Freedom of Movement from the Continent is secure. It is a beach head for a new Britain. A leaner. Meaner. More self-sufficient Britain that all can take pride in. Like Theseus in a wool shop searching for the exact weave to navigate the Minotaur’s Maze, Global Britons will choose the right packet of seeds. The maiden of a good meal will be taken out of the dark and gazed at it in the candlelight at dinner.”

The plan in essence appears to be an exhilarating revival of the classic ‘Dig for Britain’ scheme of WW2. This has been much mentioned as the sunlit uplands of Brexit were approached and now it’s time. Britons will grow their own food and save themselves from “the tedium of supermarket outings with screaming toddlers” and “inflationary forces.”

Britons are expected to top the league tables of savings on food spending over the coming months as the tangible benefits of Brexit begin to come home “to roost”, unlike the actual chickens. This is to be especially pointed in lessening heavy goods vehicle traffic on our roads and less money wasted on groceries.

“We will deal with the new food chain in the traditional way for peasants. You will grow your own,” he will exhort. “Just imagine the pride of navigating through a damp summer and producing blight free tomatoes! You will handle the empty shelves as we have handled the pandemic. You’ll learn to live with it. You will take personal responsibility for the supply crisis!”

The exciting speech will be delivered before a twelve course lunch to which “only Tory donors have been invited”.

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Home Office airlifts tens of thousands of emergency ‘Life in the UK’ quizzes to Afghanistan

FORM AN ODERLY QUEUE : The British government has come under fire in recent days for lacking foresight and preparation in the face of crisis, even being AWOL as it unfolded. That isn’t going to knock them off their stride though as that’s the Johnson government’s natural state.

While most of the attention has been on the absentee Prime Minister and Foreign Secretary, as the crisis in Afghanistan unfolds, the Home Secretary is certain to have her moment in the limelight.

“Ms Patel has seen what’s happening to Raab,” a Home Office source tells LCD Views. “She’s not going to go down that path. She’s got to be prepared to put herself forward for the highest office. That means she’s not going to be a fall guy for Boris. She is being proactive.”

Luckily for desperate Afghanis attempting to escape the Taliban they’re refugees, one of the Home Secretaries hot button topics. The issue now has all her focus.

“We’ve already acted swiftly to alleviate the risk to life and limb,” the source continues, “Priti Patel herself has authorised an emergency airlift of tens of thousands of life in the UK quizzes to Kabul. There they will be distributed in a calm and orderly fashion.”

Anyone concerned their life is in danger simply has to take the test and “fill out the other required forms. Please ensure to use black biro and print in capitals. Then you simply wait for the forms to be processed. We’re keeping our heads while all around us our colleagues are losing theirs.”

There will be additional emergency activity too.

“We’ve spent years demonising refugees for short term political gain, but these are good refugees. Repeat after me. These are currently good refugees. Mostly because they’re far away. Which is exactly how we like the consequences of our arms exports and foreign policy choices.”

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Brexit still a good idea say MPs who couldn’t even predict what the Taliban would do

LIFE’S A BEACH : The United Kingdom is being governed by geniuses, everyone agrees, and not just any geniuses, it’s the geniuses who delivered Brexit.

“It’s just as well we’ve got a bunch of guys who can half remember some Latin or Greek running the show,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Can you imagine the state of things if we had some proper girly swots in charge? You know the type. Head always buried in a book. That wouldn’t have gotten Brexit done! We’d have stumbled on minor details like, Europe has a shortage of HGV drivers, so we better not end FOM.”

Happily as the days pass the stellar quality of the brains behind Britain becomes more and more apparent. From driver shortages, to worker shortages and on into chicken shortages. It’s a win a day now.

“Some critics are saying we need to talk about Brexit,” the source adds, “but they’re just jealous they didn’t get any PPE deals. Envy of your betters is never a good look. Just be happy there will be a job we class as low skilled waiting for your kids at the end of their education. Clearly people who had the forethought to have better accidents of birth will buy their children high grades and better prospects. It’s just the natural way of things in Britain.”

In spite of this upbeat assessment of Global Britain’s prospects there is now just one dark cloud on the horizon.

“Oh that business in Afghanistan will soon blow over,” the source shrugs. “You wait by next week the tabloids will be back to hating on refugees and it’ll be business as usual. As surely as the end of the pingdemic will see all UK supply chain issues resolve themselves, the Taliban will stick to their agreements. After all, if they don’t they’ll have Johnson and Raab to deal with.”

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BBC denies Downing Street interference as it blames “Witchcraft” for supply chain struggles

RECEIVED WISDOM : The BBC’s domestic news desk is in a bullish mood today as it defends a recent spate of authoritative articles on the struggles faced by British businesses.

The main issues appear to be supply side with incoming goods from the European continent interrupted by a mysterious force previously unknown to business. Plus millions of EU27 nationals completely refusing to come back across the Channel in spite of the Home Secretary “fluffing their pillows for them and folding over the ends of the toilet roll like a fancy hotel does”.

Recent difficulties in the Suez underscore why it would have been better if the British attempt to operate the vital shipping lane “pragmatically” had succeeded. Still there does appear to be a new magic working to undermine the British economy.

“It’s a spell. Someone is casting a spell,” an imagined insider, coordinating propaganda between Downing Street and the BBC, told LCD Views. “We’re going to have to bring back witch burning to solve it. Rees-mogg is beside himself in anticipation. It must be an exceedingly strong spell too. What exceptional force can overcome Britishness?”

It is further reported that Downing Street is demanding the BBC report the problems from emptying supermarket shelves to closure of Nando’s accurately, just to be “careful with the language so as not to provoke alarm in the general populace”.

Hopes the British Army could be brought in to locate and destroy the “wizard, warlock, witch or coven” casting the spell have been dashed as they’re already overstretched driving HGV’s and ambulances.

“What I would say to whomever is casting the spell is just stop it,” the insider adds. “You’re only hurting yourself in the long run. Just cancel the spell and release the HGV, NHS, farm and building workers from the cave you’ve imprisoned them in and we can forget all about it.”

In the interim the word “witchcraft” will be used to explain the perplexing problems, except by the World Service, where hope survives even as the Tory worms eat at the woodwork.

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Nando’s to reopen closed restaurants after replacing chicken with sovereignty

CHARGRILLED SOVEREIGNTY: Famous piri-piri chicken franchise Nando’s alarmed many when it took the decision to close dozens of British outlets today because of a mysterious lack of chicken.

Clearly there are no suggestions that Brexit is in anyway involved in the supply side crisis. Everyone knows it is the so called pingdemic and how it especially favours EU HGV drivers and hospitality workers. The fact of Northern Ireland and Republic of Ireland stores being unaffected is a mystery for tomorrow.

“I blame the Home Office,” a grilled chicken analyst told LCD Views. “The Home Secretary is rumoured to have personally demanded the NHS app was made especially sensitive for close contacts who are EU27 nationals. That special message just for them telling them to get out or I’ll come for you, digitally signed by Ms Patel only worsened matters.”

While it’s reassuring for the nation to know that Brexit has nothing whatsoever to do with the chickens missing in action, the famous chain is taking action to rectify the situation and reopen stores.

“I’ve heard they have consulted with government who has threatened to nationalise and then liquidate the business if they do so much as suggest Brexit is involved,” our analyst continues. “Happily though Brexit can actually ride to the rescue with just some minor changes to the menu.”

The changes are said to be replacing chicken with sovereignty.

“Brexit sovereignty is world beating. It lets you push around foreigners across the Channel. It’s essentially a magic spell that bends them to your will. But it can also be worn, used to heat your home, replace spur of the moment short breaks overseas, student exchange programmes and even cooked then served as piri-piri chicken. It’s an amazing substance.”

There is only one potential snag to the solution and that’s the price.

“People will adjust to the cost of sovereignty. Once you get used to paying through the nose for a limited range of choices you’ll be thanking Boris Johnson for chargrilling our trading relationship with Europe.”

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BREAKING : Dominic Raab hospitalised with shock after watching a bear shit in the woods

THE ETERNAL INNOCENT : Britain’s greatest throbbing temple vein is reported to have been rushed to Accident & Emergency today after seeing a sight so shocking he “collapsed in apoplexy”.

It appears the incident happened after the individual concerned, said to be Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary Dominic Raab, was left unattended with “a smartphone and somehow managed to open YouTube”. The device had last been used by a bored staffer “on the bog” with a fondness for unsettling videos.

“There will be a full inquiry as to how Dom was left not only unattended but in possession of a device capable of accessing such disturbing content for a man of his enduring innocence,” a FCO source told LCD Views. “We have gone to great lengths to keep dangerous information from the Foreign Secretary. He still has no idea the Pope is Catholic and we request everyone keeps it that way. It’s uncertain how he would react, given his present condition.”

The actual video which caused the psychological trauma to Mr Raab has been identified as one from an animal humour channel.

“To some footage of a bear shitting in the woods is just harmless, if puerile fun,” the source chides, “but to Dom it was a revelation so startling it caused a complete seizure of his functioning neuron. This is no laughing matter. Mr Raab is responsible for Brexit Britain’s international statecraft and he must be allowed to focus fully on his efforts to place Dover and Calais near to each other in the Ladybird Book of Western European Geography he has been studying since taking his current post.”

Mr Raab’s family have asked for privacy and pleaded that no one explain to Mr Raab “water is wet” as this is also thought to be information of “weapon’s grade danger” to Britain’s most charming political intellect.

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Boris Johnson demands the Taliban “Follow his example on sticking to international agreements”

GLOBAL BRITAIN LEAVES : British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has made a proper example of himself in recent years, especially when it come to adhering to the promises he’s made, but doesn’t intend to keep.

“To move the gaslighting from domestic to international was a tour de force,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “I don’t believe too many of our elder statesman would have had the balls to try it on with the unelected EU, but Johnson did. He’s got sufficient spunk for any blag. Girlfriend, the Great British Public or EU Council President.”

And the example of Mr Johnson will be key as the re-emerging powerhouse of Brexitannia cuts its own path through the thickets of international cooperation and statecraft.

“It seems the wily old Taliban aren’t that concerned about sticking to the agreement they made with Donald Trump. Which is a shock. Donald Trump is such a great deal maker. Boris Johnson is going to have a word with them.”

It’s believed Mr Johnson will draw on his deep personal experience at having Lord Frost negotiate the Withdrawal Agreement with the EU.

“Just say whatever you need to get them to shut up and sign it,” the source explains. “It worked a treat to get Brexit done. Worry about the fall out after you’ve got the desired result.”

The advice on offer to the extremists over in Afghanistan will be specially targeted.

“Look. You’ve made a commitment. You’ve given your word. You’ve got the result you required in the short term. Now do whatever you like and let other people worry about it. Just think about getting a human shield in case you need plausible deniability down the road. Get yourself a Lord Frost and have him issue most of the threats to tear up the agreement. Just follow Mr Johnson’s example.”

And if you’ve some spare US cash lying about after the evacuation of Western forces?

“Buy a peerage.”

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BREAKING : Army brought in to locate enough Tory MPs to make a show of discussing Afghanistan

HIDE AND SEEK : The British Army has a lot on its plate recently with the rolling collapse of traditional industry thanks to Brexit, and they’re about to get even busier.

Reconnaissance units especially, minesweepers and any other soldiers specialising in locating and finding have been given fresh orders to locate serving Tory MPs.

“Mr Johnson interrupted his dining plans yesterday to make a show of concern over Afghanistan. He was even prepared to recall Parliament to make a proper job of looking worried, but the whips couldn’t find any MPs to decorate the Commons chamber with. Of course, first he had to find the whips. Then someone realised we still have a Foreign Secretary, but they could be buggered if anyone knew where he was. Off somewhere warm looking surprised he was in post was thought a likely guess. It was a right mess. Finally one of the SPADS suggested scouring the beaches of the Med? Then we started to make headway.”

But although the likely location of a sufficient number of MPs has been correctly deduced to “as far away from Blighty as possible”, getting them to respond to calls to come home early is an uphill struggle.

“That’s why we’ve brought in the army. SAS as well as regulars. Some of those MPs are going to be tough nuts to crack. In particular the chaps with villas and chateaus etc. They turned their phones off at Heathrow. We’ll need to parachute in with special forces and shock them with rendition.”

One saving grace is the pandemic. While social distancing has been binned for the plebs, their betters in Parliament are still limited.

“We only need to rustle up a dozen or so. You’d think that would be a cinch? But you try finding even that many Tories with a classic British summer doing its cloudy best to scatter everyone to the Med! Ha! We should have dragged a few back by Wednesday though. Then we’ll have a right old handwringing festival in the chamber and make a bunch of promises for the Home Secretary to break later. You’ll see. Global Britain at its finest!”

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Pingdemic “over” as ministers told to turn off WhatsApp notifications

LOST IN CYBERSPACE: Boris Johnson has officially declared the ‘pingdemic’ to be a thing of the past. He has issued an instruction to all government ministers to keep their phones on silent. 

“No pings, no pingdemic,” asserted government spokesdwarf Cora Lunesberg. “Boris has, once again, taken control in magnificent fashion. He has shown himself to be the greatest leader since Churchill, possibly of all time. So manly, so masterful… excuse me, I think I need a change of underwear.” 

It’s actually a double masterstroke. By muting notifications, ministers may legitimately claim ignorance of the coordinated messaging being issued under the radar. 

“This is totally normal in a modern, functioning administration,” claimed a suitably refreshed Lunesberg. “Boris is a safe pair of wandering hands, they can wander my way any time, I would love one of his double masterstrokes… excuse me again.” 

“Ping!” 

“Oh, that’s mine!” gushed Lunesberg. “I hope it’s the time of our next, erm, secret briefing session… no, erm… ‘Talk about the vaccines.’ Damn. Look, I need to nip to the Ladies quickly…” 

Obviously the message hasn’t quite got through yet. This is not surprising, given that the Chinese whizz kids formerly employed to manage MPs’ phones have all fled the hostile environment. 

“Get yourself jabbed if you haven’t had the vaccination yet,” continued a still slightly flustered Lunesberg. “And then get yourself jabbed again, once is never enough, Boris can jab me any time he wants to, I need all the vaccines I can get…” 

At this point the goons protecting Lunesberg decided that enough was enough. They escorted her to the Palace of Westminster to administer a cold shower. 

As usual, an announcement has been made with absolutely no thought about how it would have to be carried out. 

Ignorance of the law is no defence. Unless, ironically, if you are in charge of making those very laws. 

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BREAKING : Dominic Raab to draw lines on the map of Afghanistan and “sort it”

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE RAAB TO WORK HERE BUT IT HELPS : The greatest foreign policy brain of the United Kingdom’s government is to sort Afghanistan out so he can get back on the beach. We speak of course of Dominic Raab.

It is not an overstatement to say the revelation that the Great British Public actually do care quite a lot about what happens to desperate people far away has taken the dominate Tory Party “completely by surprise”. Little reporting focused on the deal struck between Donald Trump and the Taliban, in what Mr Trump expected to be a foreign policy success story delivered in his second term in office. Even less attention was paid by UKIP MPs to their own government’s support for this deal either, because “everyone was distracted by the sovereignty and power delivered by Brexit” and “polishing their trophies”.

Now Mr Raab will have to go in and “sort it out”. It’s believed he will draw on the wealth of experience of the British in dealing with difficult foreign territories.

“He’s got a map and he’s got a pen,” an FCO source tells LCD Views. “After we’ve explained what the map is and taken the pen out of his nose he’ll have little trouble finding a solution for Afghanistan. He’ll just draw lines across the map wherever he likes and the energetic foreign chaps will adhere to it. It’s basically a repetition of Trump’s deal, but in a British hand. You’ll see that will make all the difference.”

What to do if the Taliban ignore the new arrangement and don’t stay in the zone Raab gifts them?

“Then we’ll bring out the big guns. Brexit Britain may not have much of an Armed Forces left after 11 years of Tory cuts and austerity, but we’ve still got Liz Truss. You just see how rapidly the Taliban fall back on the threat of no imports of cheese.”