Posted on

Dominic Raab amazed by number of UK secret services – “There’s the M1, M2, M3, M4, M5 and more!”

A MISTAKE ANYONE CAN MAKE : The UK’s best loved beachgoer Dominic Raab is said to be taking some time out of his busy schedule this morning to just be amazed.

It’s important for everyone to pause now and then and process their life. The endless grind of modern work doesn’t allow sufficient time for most to reflect on their life experiences and order their minds. This is not a problem for Raab. Firstly because of the size of the mind there is to order and secondly because he’s really good at downing tools, no matter what’s happening at work.

“Mostly today I’m going to be amazed at the sheer number of the UK’s security services,” he told a webcast on Onlyfans, “it was only relatively recently that I realised it’s not just the M5 and M6, there’s the M1, M2, M3, M4, hang on I’ve got to change hands to keep counting. Wait. I can do M5 on this hand also if I count the thumb as a finger. Now I’ve lost count. Where was I? Anyway, it goes all the way up to the M25! We are the most secure country on Earth. World beating.”

But while the esteemed intellect of the British government was reassured by the investment in spy agencies to keep Brits safe, he did have a revelation that disappointed.

“By contrast to our ability to produce James Bonds, we’re doing terrible at motorways,” he looked sad. “Did you know for the entire country there’s only the Mi5 and Mi6. No one can tell me what the ‘i’ stands for either. No wonder it takes forever to get anywhere in this country. A severe underinvestment in modernising the transport infrastructure that is the fault of the last Labour government. It’s why Tory MPs have to go everywhere by helicopter.”

Posted on

BREAKING : Downing Street selects Hartlepool for cannibalism trial

WORLD FIRSTS : The good and loyal people of Hartlepool have been selected for a cannibalism trial by 10 Downing Street.

The decision to “test drive” eating other people in the town was taken to reward them for electing a Conservative MP in the recent by-election, and blaming the Labour council for it.

“Mr Johnson wants to level up the country and reward those areas especially which have shown loyalty to him, but which he doesn’t personally intend to visit anymore,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The people of Hartlepool will have the freedom to decide how they select who gets eaten. We suggest the traditional technique favoured by shipwrecked sailors of drawing lots. But it will be at their discretion. Perhaps survival of the fittest would be more fitting for Brexit Britain.”

To ensure the success of the trial the town will be surrounded by military assets. This has caused some dissent within the Conservative Party with several MPs concerned it will only worsen the HGV driver crisis.

“This could backfire on us,” Pingle Bumblebum, MP for Blue Rosette, told LCD Views. “People waiting for their supermarkets to get deliveries will have to wait longer while army drivers are diverted to form a cordon around Hartlepool. I’m not sure if it’s been fully thought through.”

The exact recipes the Hartlepoolians should use when cooking one another aren’t yet clear. It was thought that livers could be cooked with fava beans and accompanied by a nice chianti, but there are supply side issues on both.

“The pingdemic means that the drivers who would usually have taken the fava beans and Italian wines to Hartlepool are currently self-isolating driving HGV’s in EU27 countries. We recommend that people go ahead and forage herbs from local verges.”

It’s not recommended that anyone tries just eating their neighbours ‘tartare’ as “why miss out on a chance to level up your British summer by failing to BBQ.”

If the scheme is successful in reducing the demand in Hartlepool supermarkets it will be expanded across the country.

“People voted overwhelmingly to endanger their food supplies in the 2016 referendum,” Pingle Bumblebum added, “this is just the natural consequence. We’re not going to do anything else about it. If I were you I’d practice sprinting now, before your town joins Hartlepool.”

Posted on

“Turnip-Chilli hybrid a danger to British WILLIES!” Claims BOFFIN

The men of Britain are in real danger of never fathering children again, claims Professor Winston Churchill, head researcher at Food Safety and Fertility Clinic, Boston.

“I blame the scientists,” Professor Churchill told LCD Views. “They can never leave well enough alone. Food was safe before generics was understood. An onion was an onion. It’s important to know your onions.”

The latest food danger is an attempt by insane horticulturists to create a turnip-chilli hybrid.

“Fancy flavours like that are all well and good for novelty crisps but they should never be within throwing up distance of an actual British kitchen,” the Professor warns. “It’s not going too far to say the fertility of our great nation is at risk. This could actually be a foreign plot to sabotage the future of our armed services.”

The Professor is too patriotically polite to mention Brexit’s part in all this, so we will have to. Food imports are facing a crisis due to the work shy nature of EU HGV drivers. This means more British food will have to be grown in Britain and not in Catalonia. This means turnips. Lots and lots of turnips.

“The turnip is traditionally the safest vegetable for native Britons,” Professor Churchill notes, “but if the genes of turnip-chilli hybrids escape into the wild and mix with classic turnips on farms, all hell will break loose.”

Sunday is the day of particular risk.

“When the man of the house prepares the Sunday roast and chops up that turnip, unaware it’s a chilli hybrid, then goes to relieve himself as nature intended? Well, I hope you have the fire brigade, the ambulance service and Porton Down all on speed dial. And forget that fifth child.”

Forewarned is forearmed. And unlike British willies, turnips aren’t the intended playthings of idle hands. Turnips. Let’s leave them as nature intended and continue to enjoy world class fertility rates in British men.

Posted on

“Defeat by the Taliban is Johnson’s Churchill moment” – Downing Street

TORY BRITAIN TODAY : 10 DOWNING STREET is busting a gut to put lipstick on the ever present pig today after Boris Johnson napped through events in Afghanistan, and woke up to find his Foreign Secretary on holiday and his administration on fire.

The issues appear to have started when Donald Trump decided to deal with the Taliban and the British Prime Minister (apparently in a coma at the time) went along with it. This mistake was underlined by a parallel one of assuming the then US President would be able to gaslight his way into a second term. Alas, it was not to be, although no one thought to wake up Johnson to tell him it maybe time to reconsider.

Now, unfortunately for Johnson’s true fans, he finds his international reputation taking a battering just when no one thought it could get any worse. But it is worse. The Afghanistan failure risks foremost the lives of people there who trusted Britain. It also punctures the delusional mythology of Tory MPs about their own country, which they’ve done so much to ruin lately, but no one has thought to mention it.

“Johnson was too busy with Brexit anyway to worry about Trump’s deal with the Taliban,” a 10 Downing Street insider tells LCD Views. “He was having far too much fun hammering the bubbles and thinking up new ways to have Lord Frost wind up the EU. Then there was wallpaper to choose. A prop dog to hire. Too many plates in the air at one time.”

But all is not lost as the crack team the PM surrounds himself with can be guaranteed to find away to spin the mess Raab made away.

“We’re going with it’s Johnson’s defining Churchillian moment,” the source says. “Draw on that powerful emotional network in the minds of voters linked to WW2. It’s got us out of every problem before now. Why wouldn’t it work? Just so long as no one thinks to say it is Johnson’s Churchillian moment, but it’s Gallipoli.”

Posted on

“Because we screwed up we have to pretend the Taliban are trustworthy” – Downing Street

LOOK INTO MY EYES : BORIS JOHNSON’S holiday plans are in tatters this week after a lazy assumption that everyone else in the UK is as indifferent to suffering as he is.

Even critics of the beleaguered Prime Minister are feeling moved to sympathy today as the crisis involving Mr Johnson’s failed Foreign Secretary, Dominic Raab, grips the news cycle for another day.

“It’s not fair, really, is it?” Ranter176 said on Twitter. “He has been able to show a disregard of human suffering at home. Since the Tories first returned to power in 2010 and then really ramping that callous indifference right up during the pandemic. What government allows an endless culture war debate over masks in a respiratory pandemic? What government allows women holding a vigil to be slammed into the dirt but anti-mask idiots to protest outside vaccination centres? And youngsters terrified for the future of their planet face long prison centres? Not a government that is focused on public health and safety as a priority. Not by appearances. Anyway, this 280 character limit for Tweets needs looking at. I’ve got a lot of sympathy for the old shagger and I can’t give”

But the unusual shows of support will do little to help the sorry state of Mr Johnson’s administration.

“We are looking for a slogan to solve this crisis,” a 10 Downing Street aide told LCD Views. “Something like Get Afghanistan Done could work. Other than that we are flummoxed. What to get Raab to resign for that Johnson hasn’t himself also done?”

Clearly there is intense confusion in the Executive. Not only the initial error of going along with anything prize idiot Donald Trump initiated, but how to solve what it is a deeply damaging furore that shows no sign of stopping.

“We’re firefighting. It’s true. The current position is to pretend the Taliban can be trustworthy partners,” the source said, looking increasingly desperate. “Which is hilarious when you stop and think about it. But then, when you look at how Johnson’s government behaves on the deals it agrees, there’s a kind of sense to it.”

Posted on

BREAKING : Dominic Raab’s future “secure” after Sajid Javid turns him into a new hospital

LIKE MAGIC : Great relief in the Raab holiday home today after Health Secretary Sajid Javid rode to the rescue over the Afghanistan debacle.

The failed Foreign Secretary’s failings over the foreign policy failure in faraway Afghanistan have not failed to fixate the news cycle focus with fascination on the failures of the failed Foreign Secretary featuring as fully as the failed Foreign Secretary’s famous failings on foreign geography.

“Javid is not the good samaritan he’s being portrayed as by the press,” a fictional aide to Sajid Javid told LCD Views. “He’s attempting to get audience participation in his hospital magic show and Raab keeps taking up all the column inches. It’s incredibly frustrating. How do you entice even more US private health interest in the NHS if you can’t keep the stage?”

Thankfully after quick thinking by the Health Secretary he will now get more of the limelight he craves.

“This is a win win solution for both parties,” the aide continues, “Mr Raab now gets to resume his summer holiday without the media frenzy and Mr Javid gets to display the wares he has for sale. Everyone is happy. When Boris Johnson wakes up later this afternoon to dust off his hangover he’s going to be really thrilled too. Which is a bonus.”

The solution itself was rather obvious and draws on the strengths the new Health Secretary has displayed since taking over from Matt Hancock.

“The decision to turn Dominic Raab into a new NHS hospital by magic was genius,” the aide adds. “Just a wave of the magic wand and hey presto! Raab is now a fully staffed, fully functioning hospital. And not a GP surgery that has been given an additional blood pressure monitor before being announced as a new hospital. Which is Mr Javid’s standard sleight of hand trick.”

Posted on

BREAKING : Trump to build Trump Towers Kabul to prove his Taliban deal is “the greatest”

THE HUMAN STAIN : Former US President Donald Trump famously cut a deal with the Taliban while everyone was distracted and looking merrily to the end of his presidency. He left a legacy which none can deny.

Now that the current US President Joe Biden has followed through on that Trump deal (presumably because America at home is currently so screwed up he just can’t be bothered with that Afghanistan problem?) people are starting to wonder if the Taliban will be reliable international partners.

Which to anyone who’s paid attention to the movement over the last couple of decades is a rhetorical question.

“Clearly if you’re a man it’s going to go better,” a Trump aide told LCD Views. “That’s about all Trump cares about anyway. Actually, just one man. Himself. He’s not exactly known as a feminist either, is he? Remember that classic ‘grab ’em by the pussy’ tape? And he still got elected. The mind boggles. The deal is also probably fairly handy for the Russians, Chinese and whatever Gulf State countries Trump maybe owes a favour too. It’s just not going to be great for women. Oh, and a lot of men. And children. Basically it’ll likely be civil war in Afghanistan still and we’ll be reinvading next week. But it’s still a good deal. Just a great deal.”

And rumour has it that Trump is so impressed by his legacy he’s going to put someone else’s money where his mouth was.

“We’ll be opening Trump towers Kabul real soon,” the aide advises. “It’s going to be tallest building in Kabul. Just the biggest. Afghanis have never seen a building that big! Not many people know this, but Donald Trump builds the biggest buildings on Earth. Everywhere. He’s built the biggest in New York and Moscow. Now he’s going to build the biggest in Kabul. Come and stay. Everyone will be welcome. Well, except for the women. But no one much cares about that. We don’t do intervention anymore.”

Posted on

BREAKING : Raab swears off return to Crete until he’s done everything he can to save his career

FOR WHOM THE DUMB TOLLS : FOREGIN SECRETARY and Brexit Superstar Dominic Raab has spoken publicly regarding his complete and absolute failure on Afghanistan.

It has been widely reported that the muscular brain of British foreign affairs decided to bugger off on holiday just as the Taliban took Kabul. Something only twenty years of experience in Afghanistan, the days immediately precedng the event, the months before the days and the inherent nature of the Taliban, could have predicted.

“Had there been a Ladybook of Extremists for me to read I may have stood a fighting chance of not getting on the plane to Crete,” the broad plank of state commented. “As it was there was only the bleeding obvious as a guide and I’m notoriously phobic about blood.”

Unfortunately for the Raabster even some normally docile Tory MPs are reportedly Raabid now about Raab.

“Some are accusing me of torpedoing the myth they hold of themselves and their idolised vision of themselves as a great military power who never abandons its friends,” Raab shrugged. “I don’t really understand that. I’m sufficiently insulated against any of my own cockups not to let any failure penetrate. They should try it. I mean it’s a bit rum when the old packet of minced meat Davis has to defend you.”

But even though Raab is now clearly “on a journey” to a greater understanding of how boring holding one of the great offices of state can be, he does still have a fight all of his own now over Afghanistan. It’s politically life or death for Dom.

“I want to reassure everyone that I have learned the lessons of going off to stay in a Putin linked luxury resort during a cascading foreign policy crisis,” he told the country. “I can see now that this mistake, although innocent, has damaged my prospects of becoming Prime Minister. And I assure everyone I will do everything I can to save my career.”

Posted on

Supply crisis sorted after EU HGV drivers reminded “they need us more than we need them”

KEEP ON TRUCKING : Fantastic news for Global Citizens of Global Britain today after the worsening HGV driver crisis was solved instantaneously.

The answer has been staring us in the face,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Everyone has been carrying on as if the shortage of drivers wasn’t related to Brexit. That it was caused by the ‘pingdemic’. Of course it’s entirely the fault of Brexit and Brexiters. All we had to do once we realised that was look to Brexit traditions for the answer.”

The traditions of Brexit are of course now rich, repetitive, repetitive and repetitive. The actual legal change to the UK’s relationship with the supplier of much of its food and labour did finally introduce newness, by involving the real world. Now that consequences are here Global Britain has to adapt to them.

“We’ll adapt to them by remembering the truths of Brexit. Namely that the EU needs us more than we need the EU. This is obvious, because we’re British.”

It seems this enduring truth will be the solution to the driver crisis and it will be rapid.

“We’re still going to train some local drivers at speed and hope the haste doesn’t result in headline worthy fatal crashes,” the source continues, “but we’re also going to send a strong message to those 10’s of 1000’s of absent EU HGV drivers. Nando’s needs its chicken. You need your groceries. We’re going to sort it.”

In the coming day a cabinet minister will be chosen by lottery to talk directly to the workshy Europeans.

“We’ll simply remind them they need us more than we need them. They’ll come flooding back across the Channel. After they’re been detained by the Home Office for an indeterminate amount of time they’ll be detained at an inland border facility in Kent. Next they’ll be fined for failing to get a Kent Access Permit. Following that they’ll be charged hundreds for LFT’s they get for almost nothing at home. When that’s all completed it will be a simple matter of sending them to a British farm to wait for next year’s crops to be harvested. It couldn’t be simpler.”

Posted on

Boris Johnson creates new Secretary of State to Make Excuses for Useless Secretaries of State

FULL TIME JOB : Prime Minister Boris Johnson is no stranger to rumours that he’s planning a cabinet reshuffle, although he never seems to get around to it. Which is hardly a surprise, given how full his schedule is of lunches and refurbishments.

“All talk and no action is the order of the day at Downing Street,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Word on the street is Mrs Johnson III is getting pretty fed up with all the talk of moving the 17th century antique cabinet from the living room and into the hall, but no action.”

Initially the delay in shuffling the furniture about the Georgian townhouse was debate over exactly where in the hall the cabinet should go? But that was eventually settled when Alexander grew bored of the endless discussion and told Carrie it can go wherever she wants. But he’s yet to get his thumb out and move it.”

And furnishings are not the only cause of strain. The Cabinet which theoretically governs the U.K. is also in need of a serious stripping back and polish, with defective old fittings replaced with newer replicas.

“A solution to that is now at hand though,” the source goes on. “Mr Johnson decided between courses last night to create an entirely new Secretariat to handle what is now the most time consuming area of government. Making excuses for shit Ministers.”

The new Ministry has the double advantage of allowing the Prime Minister to promote an unknown from the backbenchers while not creating any enemies in his A team.

“It’s likely the Ministry of Creating Excuses for Incompetence will be the largest of all the ministries. It’s no surprise that between Williamson, Patel, Raab, Eustice, Javid and the office of the prime minister itself the new Ministry will have no time for a beach holiday.”

The cost of the new ministry will be no surprise either.

“The initial budget will be £350m per week, but that is expected to rise rapidly.”

They should have written that on the side of the bus.

“Which is exactly the kind of mistake the ministry will be tasked with excusing.”