LCD Views

LOOK INTO MY EYES : Dramatic scenes this afternoon at Westminster Irregular Infirmary after Health Secretary Sajid Javid was rushed to A&E by his aides, who feared he was suffering from an overdose of magic mushrooms.

Drug intake among cabinet members is well documented, although most claim it was in their wild youth and prior to elevation through the chumocracy as a reward for supporting Brexit.

Mr Javid’s exact condition is not known but fabricated rumours suggest his condition has been deteriorating for weeks and today it became a crisis “no one could ignore anymore”.

“At first it was just large buildings he believed were new NHS hospitals,” an aide to the ailing Health Secretary told LCD Views. “Then it was portions of buildings that were hospitals which he imagined were entire new structures. Now it’s GP surgeries. Walk-in clinics. The collapse came when he stopped a passing Mr Whippy to purchase a soft serve and noticed the driver of the van was wearing a blood pressure monitor.”

It’s said at that point a wide smile lit up the Health Secretary’s face, his eyes glazed and he declared “The NHS Mr Whippy is now open. The NHS Mr Whippy is the newest of England’s hospitals.”

He is said to have still taken the ice cream from the bemused driver, but failed to eat it after examining it too closely and wondering, “Things like this make people feel better. Maybe they’re hospitals too?”

The ice cream is said to have melted down over his hands. It’s not clear if the driver was paid.

It’s understood Mr Javid will be stabilised at Westminster before being transferred to Moorfields Eye Hospital for specialist treatment.

“I suspect it’s more a neurological issue than anything else,” one medical expert commented. “Or too many mushrooms? Either way he will receive the best care available and once he stops declaring Moorfields a new hospital he may even be let home.”

PRIDE OF BRITAIN : Dominic Raab’s chest is reported as “swelling with pride” today after he clinched a coveted Greek tourism award.

The biggest surprise of the accolade for the world beating Foreign Secretary appears to be that he did not even know he was in the running for it.

“It’s the Olympics of tourism promotion,” said a source inside Raab’s brain, where it lives in spacious surroundings in what has been described by critics as a “post modern masterpiece of mind palace design. Inflexible, toxically masculine lines combine a minimalist approach to mental furnishings and fittings, but the puzzled eye travels about a vista of clean and empty space, as far as there is limited energy and interest to see. To dwell in Raab’s mind palace is to wonder on the mysteries of life such as is any country an island really? And why do people want to ban the tali? Indeed what is a tali? And why are the British so famously work shy? Would debtors prisons encourage them to greater enterprise?”

As to the tourism award itself, the ramped up Secretary of State was awarded the gong for the promotion of Crete as a holiday destination.

“Mr Raab has done more to revive the Cretan tourism industry since the pandemic began,” a member of the award committee told LCD Views. “The relentless media spotlight on the luxurious resorts to be found on the coastline of Crete is invaluable in an era of strong competition for holiday spending.”

It’s not yet clear if Mr Raab will travel personally to collect the award. He now has a full schedule of work tweeting about making work calls. As if advertising himself doing the job he’s fucking paid to do will compensate for not being bothered in the slightest about doing it when he was on Crete, regardless of the lives at risk.

Crete – the sea is always open, just like Mr Raab’s telephone line and mind. Why not spend some idle time there today?

HOLDING BACK THE TIDE : Emergency Services have been placed on high alert today after the UK Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary, Dominic Raab, was reported as “approaching a coastal community with a pair of scissors in his hand”.

The risk of serious injury to the Brain of Britain is obvious, with some trauma experts anticipating “complete carnage” as soon as Mr Raab attempts to use the sharp bladed instrument. A team has been dispatched to catch Raab and swap the grown up scissors for the little ones that toddlers are allowed to run about with.

“The major difficulty in protecting Mr Raab from self-harm is locating him in the first place,” a member of the crash squad told LCD Views. “He is doing his own navigating. In theory he is heading to Carbis Bay, but he could be anywhere by now. He had a head start on his aides. We can’t even locate him by phone as he won’t answer the call. But also he always travels everywhere with it on aeroplane mode and he believes that makes the phone fly. Even going to lunch at work, on the days he does work, you hear him running along merrily down the corridor, holding his phone like a toy plane and making Spitfire noises. He’s such an innocent.”

Why Mr Raab has decided to place himself in harm’s way is obvious at least.

“He declared the sea closed and singlehandedly caused the biggest slump in the tourist industry on Crete since the start of the pandemic,” the source explains. “He’s got some Kremlin linked chap who owns a resort there incredibly cheesed off. He’s trying to make it right by reopening the sea.”

Emergency services have asked that the public be on the lookout for Mr Raab. Not necessarily just near the coast as he could be anywhere, given he’s navigating. He is described as “thick as two planks” and will be wearing a “surprised expression”.