LCD Views

LCD Views’ arts correspondent is buzzing about the office this morning barely able to contain his excitement with the news that David Cameron is expected to announce his ‘Everyman’s Shed’ tour dates for 2018.

“I was actually hoping for a festive special,” Dee Ranged said. “Maybe David as Santa visiting some poor person’s hovel to count their bedrooms.

And if they’ve been really good and are sleeping six to a room he could give them advice on efficient personal finance management. But a spring extravaganza with him dressed as a rabbit would also be very cool.”

As to what David will talk about while visiting the towns and villages of the country is open to speculation.

“I expect he’ll do it fireside chat style,” Dee speculates. “Mention his struggles growing up. The desperate fear he wouldn’t get into the best schools. How hard he’s had it generally. Maybe also a little bit of score settling, just for the PR value.

Oh, and all the time he probably spent studying Blair to make it as Conservative party leader and allegedly completely set the country up for Brexit with a catalogue of interpretive dance cluenesses and inventive gutlessness in the face of what looks like a resurgent fascist genie in British political life.

Honest. Open. Like the man himself.”

It’s further speculated he’ll mention his struggles to get a personal makeover after leaving Downing Street and the personal drive to make Sam’s clothing range accessible in price point.”

Tickets are sure to sell faster than a Tory seeking a toilet in the midst of a scandal, so be ready to get yours for just the price of an average after dinner speech the moment they go on sale.

There are expected to be dramatic scenes at the foreign office this morning as gamekeepers, presumably from London Zoo, are rumoured to be called in to sedate pet bull elephant Boris and move him to an undisclosed Cumbrian safari park.

“We have to take action. It’s in the national interest,” head of things with tusks, Dr G. Whizz, told LCD Views natural history correspondent.

“It’s inconceivable to have a bull elephant like Boris, who is perpetually in musk, just roaming free crashing into the furnishings at the foreign office any longer.

There’s a lot of antiques, some of them are already in need of repair. And he breaks every single thing you give him to play with, especially if it was gifted to us by a foreign government. It’s ridiculous. It’s not a suitable environment for an animal of his nature.”

It’s believed Boris won’t be bought back out of sedation gently, but will be jammed in the backside with a massive dose of steroids to shock him onto his feet in the hope he’ll run into nearby woods, hit a tree, knock himself out and have a revelation.

“We really want him to undo the horrific bit of incompetence involving that woman on holiday in Iran. Falling that, we hope he’ll decide to get his balls chopped off and calm the fuck down for a while.

At least in the Cumbrian countryside, in the drizzle, behind electric fences, he’s far enough away from Downing Street so he can’t get any ideas about being re-homed inside no 10. And he has those all the time. Give him a bucket of paint and a brush and some butcher’s paper and he draws 10’s endlessly.”

It’s hoped Boris will decide also, while residing at the safari park, to have his balls chopped off  and chill out, a bit like a neutered cat. But no one is holding out much hope.

Presumably a metaphorical, political poacher will sooner or later see to that with a giant pair of grisly shears, maybe before the next appalling gaffe that directly impacts on the life of someone rotting in a tyrannical regime’s prison, maybe not though, after all, Boris is Boris…

LCD Views can reveal an exciting development in the world of tax avoidance this evening with the exhilarating news that the government is to spend £50BN on a tax toilet big enough to hide all the tax avoiders in at once.

The startling development comes after Conservative Lord Burninghouse was forced to take sanctuary in a W.C. to get away from traitorous so called reporters who wanted to ask him unjust questions about his tax arrangements.

We spoke to a representative from the newly formed government department, Ministry for Making Hay and Getting Away with It, or MFMHGAWI, to learn more.

“We can’t have upfront and patriotic Lords of the realm like Lord Burninghouse having to put up with more lords and mps and party donors jamming themselves in with him as the revelations of the paradise papers continue. It’s inhuman. It’s probably a breach of his human rights and we should probably take this all the way to the EU court of human rights. Wait. Is that treason?”

Work on the giant toilet is expected to start as soon as midnight with builders brought in from all over the continent of Europe to make sure the job is completed by dawn.

“Clearly such skilled labour won’t need visas in a time of special interests like this. Either now or in the future.”

The expense of the toilet is expected to be so hard on the public purse because tax avoidance is what is totally demolishing certain democracies in the West, no, wait, it needs to be the size of a football field and have rare ivory and virgin gold taps.

“It’s going to be a total win for the construction industry. Just imagine being one of the 1% allowed inside and never really paying a dime while the pathetic working class pay for the roads you drive on and the public utilities you enjoy?”

Just imagine it. Taking your trousers down and knowing you don’t think there’s a god damned thing the great unwashed can do to keep you out of your special tax toilet, then take a dump on them. Joy!

LCD Views’ arts correspondent was invited for a special viewing of the painting of the prime minister kept hidden in her loft since she first stood as a Conservative party candidate all those years ago.

“I was with a sense of giddy excitement that I mounted the shadowy stairs that lead up to Ms May’s loft,” Dr Art related.

“Many times over the years I’d heard whispers of the terrifying works of postmodern, neo classical, abstract, pre-raphaelite expressionism she purchases only to concern from the eyes of the world whenever a food bank is forced into tightened budgetary straights by austerity.

It is usual practise for such long established institutions to sell off some of the art on their walls and Ms May is said to be always there, ready to pounce on a collectible.”

But as Dr Art entered the loft, armed only with the moments of invented energy gathered since his creation seconds ago, he was met with a spectacle he had not expected.

“I knew the portrait that I was coming to see would look greyed and battered by her time as prime minister. I knew I would have to open the lid of a chest freezer and peer inside to see it.

I never expected her image in paint to look like Mr Osborne’s colorful and headline grabbing statement from a few weeks ago.”

Dr Art has labelled the picture ‘The Portrait of Dorian May’.

“As I stood transfixed the door closed behind me, the light went off and a voice began to cry ‘Help me. Help me. I don’t know what to do. You have to help me. It’s not only Brexit, George Osborne is coming for me.”

In a shock move to the booming tourist trade in central London Westminster has announced that an attraction only installed in July 2017 is to be removed from college green due to fears of immediate collapse.

The Leaning Tower of Teesa was designed and installed in a furious rush in the summer of 2016 in a symbolic move meant to reassure the public that even with fierceness, brave, astute leader Dave “bacon” Cameron having buggered off the political scene in a frenzied rush to get away from the fallout resulting from a little vote on something or other, we still had strong and stable government.

LCD Views spoke to one of the designers of the tower to hear more about conception, design, installation and now, what’s going wrong?

“We picked the wrong figurehead,” F. Arce advised, “although a few structural engineers did suggest at the time that the plans suggested the structure was top heavy, the internal design virtually absent, the material being used dodgy beyond belief and the spot chosen for the building spongy and prone to sinking steadily to the point of dangerous collapse. But we ignored all of them because they’re experts.”

Another contributing factor was apparently complete failure to convince anyone with the talent sufficient to work on the project to get involved.

“We’re going to have to pull it down and start again.” Arce added. “What to put in its place though? What a puzzle.”

It’s thought likely that question will be answered by the general public who may well advise restoring the reasonably healthy, sunlit lawn that was there before the tower started leaning dangerously and smothering all life around it in a roaming shadow, but it’s really up for grabs.

“We will have to consult on that. There’s lots of potential, in terms of who would like to re-lay the turf, but whether or not any of them survive the tsunami of shit that is presently crashing into the buildings near the green where they live will be key to the choice.”

Personally F. Arce would like to build an tower and put an eye of sauron up there, but there’s so many of them in major centres around the world presently, it’s felt that maybe too unoriginal.

What do you think?