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U.K. forecast to be leading emerging market post 2019

LCD View’s leading economic analyst can finally report some good news on Brexit with the happy prospect of the United Kingdom being one of the world’s leading emerging markets after 2019.

“It will be even more profitable if the union falls apart,” said a stooge for people who just don’t care, “it’s interesting from a colonial perspective.”

Apparently one of the most intriguing aspects of the push to destabilise and introduce chaos into the UK economy, on a parity with a postcolonial country that carried on with an extractive political and economic model after independence, is the cheerful justice of long absent historical chickens coming home to roost.

“There’s a suspicion that some of the leading Brexiters, the born to rule crowd, have no qualms making millions each year doing business with corrupt regimes that increase profits by an absence of human rights, environmental and workplace rights protections and massive political corruption, because of an underlying racism in the psychology of all those offshore specialist investment go betweens in expensive suits resident (physically if barely financially) in the U.K. and currently running the country.”

It seems, so cheerful is this experience for the balance sheet, it has led to a desire to playfully overturn the apple cart at home and…

“Run away with as many apples as possible. They don’t dispense fruit to nurses at food banks anyway? Do they? Certainly not to teachers. Everyone knows they get given apples at school by the children in order to buy better grades. We’ll have to stamp that out. It’s tantamount to bribery. We’ll stop it. Now excuse me, I have to offer to bend our rules for a tyranny that buys our bombs.”

Invest in Britain!

Just make sure to do it with an offshore foreign currency account after further Sterling devaluation following a successful Brexit.

Grab yourself a piece of the NHS, it’s all up for grabs with Brexit.

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US Health Agencies ban words with more than one syllable to ensure that their advice is understood by President Trump

The words “vulnerable,” “entitlement,” “diversity,” “transgender,” “fetus,” “evidence-based” and “science-based” have been vetoed. The reason is rumoured to be that President Trump understands none of these words.

In fact, all words longer than one syllable have been proscribed to aid transparency. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) have worked long and hard to determine whether or not the word “science” counts as a single syllable. In the end, it was decided that the synonym “smart stuff” should be employed instead.

The CDC issued a press release. It read: “Polysyllabic lexicography is henceforth prohibited within interdepartmental communications appertaining to the Presidential entourage.” The White House was sent a modified statement, which read: “We will just use short words from now on.”

The White House naturally viewed this as a triumph. “Us small town folk don’t get no long words,” declared President Trump to an audience of adoring fans. “We like stuff that goes straight to the point. No crap. I say it once more, don’t give no crap to the White House! No more Fake News! Great!”

The audience of over a million people raised the roof of the 300-seater auditorium. Some audience members spoke to LCD’s Extreme Bullshit Correspondent afterwards. “Trump’s just great, ain’t he?” said one. “Cut the crap! That’s what we all want from the so called smart guys.” Another remarked, “I love it when Trump says long words like ‘bigly’ and ‘covfefe’. It makes him sound like he knows stuff! I’m a straight man, but I love him so much that I want to have kids with him!”

The CDC’s spokesman revealed that the complex issues of sexual orientation and gender identity will, in future, be referred to by using the phrase “He’s a bit Boy George, know what I mean, nudge nudge, wink wink”.

And the moral of the story? “Don’t use bigly words where short ones are more covfefe.”

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New Star Trek spin off “Galactic Isolation” features ship USS Brexit which only moves on impulse power

LCD Views’ only Entertainment correspondent is apoplectic with joy at the news of the new Star Trek spin off “Galactic Isolation” which features the starship Brexit, which only moves on impulse power.

“Brexit is modelled on the tall ships of the famous age of British imperialism,” our correspondent enthuses, “it’s a nice doff of the cap to an era when you could just take whatever you could by force that many worry may have passed us by.”

The first episode features the crew of Brexit attempting to just get the ship out of a lake and into space.

“The crew uniforms are designed by Hugo Boss and the captain of Brexit is clearly a nod to a current wannabe leader of Britain’s largest far right party. What with the three piece suit and penchant for ordering the lower orders of the ship to line up at a food bank for their meals.”

It’s thought the second episode will feature the Brexit lift into the upper atmosphere of the world Brexit and attempt to hold it together while pushing for orbit.

“The chief engineer is pretty funny. As the ship only runs on the combined impulse power of about half the crew he has a lot of trouble keeping the power supply constant. Most of them are worried the moment they contact alien life they’ll be instantly colonised and their children will start dressing funny.”

The USS Brexit is scheduled to hit our small screens in 2019, but rumoured problems on the set could see the release date pushed back by two years or more.

“I can’t wait to see what the crew get up to. I hear in episode three half the crew are locked up for “wrong thought”. But if all goes to plan by episode seven the fearless captain has donned a monocle and is only allowing trade with planets with appalling human rights records.

Which is thought to be a nod to how the real life MP the captain is modelled on allegedly makes millions every year.”

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Brexiters demand parliament gives back control as experiment shows parliamentary sovereignty is bad

LCD Views has been ringing around all of our contacts amongst MPs to gauge the mood following the shock defeat of the executive on amendment 7 and we have found an overwhelming call for parliament to give back control.

“Why the hell can’t they put a little faith in Theresa May and David Davis and let them take the UK onto the wide open seas of global trade?” one furious Brexit supporting MP demanded to know.

“We’ve fallen well behind the world on trade while being in the EU. Have you seen the most recent statistics? We need to start trading internationally and with Scotland. We’re going to get left behind in the rush to divide up Africa into territories for extracting wealth.”

Across social media platforms too one, and maybe even two, Kremlin funded grassroots Brexit groups have called for parliament to “GIVE BACK CONTROL!!.?!?,”

This is an outrage against the settled will of the British people, they clamour, who have all united behind Brexit now, because who needs an economy when you have a country with twats who are prepared to vote for the vision of Nigel Farage, right when he needs the cheering up, when his latest American mate accused of sexual crimes has just buggered himself with his past misdeeds and lost a key vote?

“Parliament needs to give back control to the executive. We’re so close to overturning the end of absolutist rule in this country, we can’t turn back the turning back of the revolution in 1688 that set us on a course to true, representative democracy now!”

Other MPs, principled souls who have been standing firm against a barrage of unjustified and disingenuous tabloid shite since June last year are said to be hopeful the glimmer of a spine in the House of Commons is a sign that the centuries old institution maybe finally awakening to the threat to inclusive democracy that Maybot and the other useful idiots in government pose.

Give back control.

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Brexit Dad puts his children’s names down for a Morgan

Brexit Dad Figel Narage has responded to the UK’s impending isolation from the international community by ensuring his children will drive British cars. He has put their names down for a Morgan car each.

Narage’s children, Figel junior and Figella, were unimpressed. “I want a Ferrari when I’m older,” grumbled Figel junior, “but Dad says I’m not allowed to buy European rubbish. It’s not fair!” Figella was equally disappointed. “I fancy an Audi A5 Cabriolet,” she whined. “Dad won’t let me buy anything German though.”

Narage senior was unrepentant. “Brexit means supporting British manufacturing,” he said, proudly. “Morgans are the best cars around, classic British design and engineering. Who wouldn’t want one?” He shifted slightly to obscure the view of his Citroen people carrier outside. “As soon as Morgan start to produce family cars, I’m getting one,” he said defensively.

Morgana Morgan, from Morgan Cars, was able to confirm Narage’s interest. “Yes, he’s been ringing up several times a day to make sure the message has got through,” she informed us. “His children’s names were inscribed upon purest vellum using the quill of an eagle the day he first spoke to us. I wish he would stop ringing me up and let me get on with the job of building cars for him.”

The demand for Morgans has increased exponentially since the onset of Brexit. “The waiting list is normally about seven years,” remarks Morgan. “However, due to the massive increase in orders, customers will now have to wait 84 years for their cars. Unless, of course, they have enough, ahem, influence to jump the queue.”

Narage proudly revealed that, if he sold all his possessions, he could use the resulting influence to move forward in the queue. “I have calculated that my wait would decrease to 79 years,” he boasted. “I know that it’s a long time, and I would have no assets at all, but it’s a price worth paying to support British enterprise.”

At this point we left Narage to enjoy watching his Japanese TV on his Swedish sofa with his German wife.

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Parliament to decide on Wednesday whether or not to become a giant rubber stamp

Parliament is to vote on amendment 7 on Wednesday which asks the best minds the United Kingdom can assemble under one generous benefits package if they’d like to continue doing the job they’re paid for or be replaced by a giant rubber stamp?

“It’s a tough call,” one MP told LCD on the condition of anonymity, “thinking can be really hard. The option to carry on letting May and Davis and other titans do the thinking for me is pretty tempting.”

They also have to weigh in the possibility that if they demand parliamentary sovereignty over the minor matter of Brexit then,

“My brain actually hurts. I’m trying to please all of the people all of the time, and it’s really difficult. Surely it’s better to sit this one out quietly in the corner and keep getting paid whether or not I turn up and work? A bit like a pampered domestic cat.”

Complicating the issue is the overwhelming anxiety of getting voted out at an election if they end up carrying a can hardly any of them think should be carried to begin with.

“Look. I had a friend who wanted to jump off a cliff. It was a very high cliff. I told them it was a bad idea. They said they were going to anyway, but could I give them a lift to the cliff as they didn’t have any bus fare.

So I drove them to the cliff. They’re still at the edge of it, last I looked, now I’ve got to decide whether or not I push them off, pull them back, or just hold hands and jump with them.

If I manage to land on top of them I might come away with only a broken hip. I’m sure they won’t survive the fall. It’s really difficult to decide what to do.”

Wednesday they get to all decide together at least and then, if they choose to become a rubber stamp it will make future choices much easier.

“I’m probably going to vote to become a big rubber stamp. That way, whatever happens afterwards won’t be my fault.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to finish reading this little article on ‘The Glorious Revolution’. I’m not really sure what that was all about. It was so long ago now.”

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Environmentalist tables amendment to outlaw banana straightening machines in premature withdrawal bill

A leading environmentalist has tabled another exciting amendment to outlaw all banana straightening machines in the now famous EU Premature Withdrawal Bill.

“Michael Gove has dedicated his life to living within the environment,” key aide, Ms Footnmouth told LCD, “and what better way to show how much you love polar bears than by ridding the UK of all machines used to straighten bananas?”

It has been noted that Michael Gove has recently converted in an evangelical way to the cause of the environment.

“It’s got nothing to do with the urgent necessity to detoxify himself and the Conservative Party. Please don’t mention fox hunting, fracking, that silly animals think thing or the tax incentives stripped away from renewables. Michael is really serious about saving a polar bear. Mostly because they live really far away and other people seem to care about them. He’s not sure why. Something to do with a risk to the ice supply for gin and tonics?”

The amendment will be voted on before the less important amendment seven tomorrow, which is something a bit yawn inducing about parliament having a meaningful vote on the final Brexit deal negotiated with the economic superpower currently deciding whether or not the United Kingdom will keep its automotive and financial services industries in any meaningful form beyond 2019.

“I’ll tell you what’s meaningful,” the aide added, “holding a banana that you can pretend is a telephone when you’re two years old.

What’s parliamentary sovereignty asserting itself by demanding the representatives of the people decide their fate compared to that?”

Bananas. That’s what.

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May advises parliament the United Kingdom itself is not necessarily binding

Theresa May has moved to reassure the country that of the many things that are currently not necessarily binding, the United Kingdom is on the list.

“It’s a timely intervention to stop the horses getting spooked,” Mr Running Hills, analyst for the only British Brexit think tank not currently funded by the Kremlin advises,

“many of the leading nationalists in the nations that comprise the U.K. are wondering if they should be bolting from the stable now, or wait until the stable is completely ablaze in a year or two. The PM has given them the clarity required to stamp their hooves nervously and shuffle about as the hay in the corner starts to burn.”

When to time the dash for independence, or unification, is an overwhelming concern being discussed at length behind closed doors.

“All you need to do is get a tiny percentage advantage in a non-binding referendum by hammering relentlessly a series of lies that no one will hold you to account over, regardless of the severity of the potential consequences, and whacko, you have a mandate to turn the world on its head and see what falls off,” the prime minister reminded the house.

David Davis MP is rumoured to already be sending his CV to the SNP, Plaid, Sinn Fein and the Cornish Independence Party to ensure he has work going on from 2019.

“It’s very clever of Mr Davis,” Mr Hill observed, “I think he’s taking the classic builder’s path. Get the job 80% done and bugger off to the next one saying you’ll be back next week to finish up.”

For editorial balance in this article we asked Brexit Dad to comment,

“The mighty lion of the United Kingdom has never been more united behind the Saint George flag. Not on my watch you traitorous remoaner.”

That’ll bring everyone together.

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Top Labour star injured in fight with unicorn

LCD Views’ political health correspondent has breaking news this morning that a top member of the Labour team has been injured in a fight with a unicorn.

“Shortly after 6am this morning the leading light of the party suffered wounds described by emergency responders as incoherent gouges sustained while attempting to wrestle a unicorn to the ground on an upland plain over which the sun was breaking.”

It’s believed Ms Thornberry was sent to capture a unicorn after Keir Starmer failed to return with one in a special magic free trade horse carrier.

“Emily is top drawer. You saw how she took out that disgraced Conservative lest Fallon on that chat show? The great leaders believed if Keir couldn’t bag us a unicorn than she could.”

But it seems the unicorn had other ideas.

“She is believed to have a approached it with a photograph of workers and made a humming sound to calm the mythical beast, but it turned on her and stamped its hooves.”

Ms Thornberry is said to have charged the animal abruptly, once she saw its nostrils flare, and grabbed it by the horn.

“You can’t grab a unicorn by the horn and expect to come out unscathed. It’s believed they wrestled for several minutes and Emily did have the creature on the ground, but it’s superior fable power enabled it to comfort out of her grasp and gouge her in her credibility before romping off over the horizon.”

It’s believed Labour have no plans to relent currently on the unicorn chase, although maybe any day now, who would know? You tell us?

How many more Labour MPs with enough credibility across the political spectrum to capture the centre ground and potentially swing a general election will be sent on unicorn hunts before reality is bowed to by the leadership?

No news yet on whether or not the broken sun can be repaired.

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Superhero close to personal goal of lying every time he speaks

A well known superhero is nearing his personal goal of lying every time he speaks.

“It’s not easy. It’s harder than climbing Mount Everest,” the hero told LCD’s WTF correspondent, “of course I’ve climbed Mount Everest numerous times. It’s actually the best secure storage place for secret dossiers.”

The hero has been in training for decades, and is well known for a looser than usual grasp of the truth, but lately he’s gone after his personal best with an enthusiasm that has left many stunned.

Passerby Demo Cracy had this to say, “I need a shower.”

It’s thought he will get over the line, thanks to the eager help of various media starlets.

“Marr is a total team player with the national interest at heart,” the superhero enthused, “I go on there this morning and just waffle absolute bollocks and there is no push back. It’s a charm. What the hell is Canada plus plus plus? Probably full EU membership.”

He stopped talking abruptly, aware he had inadvertently told the truth.

“I never said Canada plus plus plus. I said Norway plus Canada minus Sweden gives you German exemptions on bratwurst in addition to France importing English wine and no problems whatsoever posed by the FTA with Japan and our car industry. It will actually increase British car exports to Japan by at least, a minimum of, five hundred percent and one tuna fish.”

It’s not clear how much longer it will take him to reach his personal goal, but you can be sure of one thing, it’s costing the country a hell of a lot to watch him try.

But it’s worth it. It’s part of taking back control.