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Support grows for unification of north and south London in face of Brexit chaos

LCD Views’ embedded Metropolitan Bubble correspondent can report alarming news of consensus building for unification of London in the face of Brexit chaos.

“I believe in unions,” S. Arf told LCD, “unions of nations that form countries and unions of countries that form unions, if people are talking about shared interests they are less likely to fight.

But I’ve always resisted any attempt to make me think people who live north of the Thames aren’t weird toffs and I should consider myself in a geopolitical union with them.

But Brexit? That’s changed everything.”

It’s believed the change is a result of realising just how much in common people living on both sides of the river share.

Both like having passports that allow them to leave England (it’s rumoured this trait exists in other regions, but no one has gone to check for sure) and both are starting to think the north of England should have to put up with the Houses of Parliament for a few years.

At least until they realise just how much London has taken it on the chin for them since 1066, with the exception of the harrying of the north.

Oh, and that blip in relations under Thatcher.

“I always thought south of the Thames was just drug dealers, unemployed musicians and really poor people,” N Oorth revealed, “but I’m having to reconsider.

Migrations from the north to the south may have changed the demographics enough for me to one day consider going further south than Festival Hall.”

Numerous pressure groups have sprung up to give public voice to the desire to bring London together and make a success of the possibilities provided by Brexit.

“If we get north and south Londoners to accept they live in the same city and should work together than we may well be able to get them to build a wall around the capital and secede from the United Kingdom before March 2019.

If we can do that it will mean there’s still a point in having a Eurostar terminal at St Pancras after Brexit.

Actually if we can do that we should probably think about uniting England too. But one step at a time.”

Rumours have been circulating that the mayor of London is intending to build a wall of affordable homes in a ring around the city. This is to keep out foragers from outlying regions when the post Brexit famine occurs with the collapse in farming, after withdrawal of EU subs.

“If we do secede and declare ourselves an independent nation state we should make it clear we’re leaving the United Kingdom, we’re not leaving England, well, not until we can work out how to physically separate the land under London from the peninsula that joins it to Watford.

That’s the start of the “north”, isn’t it?” N. Oorth added.

Economists have warned though that if London leaves the U.K. it will necessitate a hard customs border between London and the rest of England.

Also, that before London acts unilaterally to cut itself off from Brexiters, it should ask if any other regions want to go into union with it, even if that means envoys (maybe hostages) will need to be exchanged.

“We’ve a solution for that,” N Oorth reassured, “we’ll solve it like Westminster has solved the border issue between Northern Ireland and the Republic.

We’ll pretend it isn’t happening whilst simultaneously kicking it into the long grass and hoping no one talks about it again.”

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Brexit isn’t about tax evasion say filthy rich Brexit backers demanding legalised tax evasion

The United Kingdom was reassured in its warm marrow today with the reassurance from various ultra Brexit supporters that Brexit isn’t about tax evasion even as they attempt to put public pressure on HMRC to avoid a legal tax bill.

“It’s the revenge of the establishment,” up and coming man of people and MP, B. Johnson, told LCD Views’ only tax specialist,

“we will fight this. Poor little Banks with his massive financial donations in the millions to Leave didn’t do that just to have to pay tax in accordance with the law. He didn’t even know where half the money came from!

Brexit is about inherent self-contradiction, historical amnesia and lying to win, not irony! We will fight the establishment. We. The little people.”

Support also came for the beleaguered non-establishment filthy rich, from self-employed father of twenty seven, J Rees-smog.

“I have been fighting the establishment since the day I was born and handed my union card and numerous non-establishment mansions.

Applying the law in such a way that doesn’t allow the average Brexit supporting multi-millionaire to use an offshore tax haven to avoid paying tax is an attack on the spirit of Brexit.

Additionally, a flat rate of 0% will be the only democratic way to manage my investment business which only coincidentally focuses on countries that symbolise where I want the UK to be by way of rights awarded by massive wealth and a conveniently flexible sense of rule of law.”

Other non-establishment types, like career politician and chancer Farage, and sperm bank escapee Gove, also lent support to effectively bringing the start of Brexit forward by over a year by giving massive bungs to people based on their political stance and wealth, with a blind eye as regards the law.

“They should see it as money well spent,” LCD’s tax specialist commentated, “if they do eventually succeed in isolating the U.K. and breaking it down to just England, it will just be one big tax holiday for the super rich from then on.

Making a big fuss over a legal tax bill now is tantamount to being penny wise and pound foolish, so far as perception of their real motives go.

They should issue scratch cards to raise the money to pay HMRC. That way their tax bill will remain free, as it should so justifiably be.”

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Royal yacht Boaty McBoatface commissioned to commemorate the advent of Global Britain

The best way to celebrate Global Britain is to commission a new royal yacht, the government has decided. The new ship will be named Boaty McBoatface.

“It’s the will of the people,” said a spokesman for DExEU. “No notion, however ridiculous, can be abandoned if the people have spoken. Brexit means Brexit, and Boaty means Boaty. The new yacht will act as a charm offensive for the fantastic trade deals just over the horizon.”

The increasingly hapless David Davis was unavailable for comment, as he was rumoured to be trying to believe six impossible things before breakfast.

LCD’s Monumental Maritime Matters Correspondent consulted a shipping specialist for a second opinion. “The new yacht will drain the country’s resources for no tangible gain,” said Experty McExpertface. “The ship will not be allowed out of UK waters, under the terms of a hard Brexit. So, unless we are trying to forge trade deals with the Isle of Wight, it is totally useless. Not even if the Queen holds a blue passport.”

McExpertface further revealed that Boaty was leaking, quite seriously, below the waterline. “It’s a metaphor for both Brexit and British workmanship,” he said. ”Although the likelihood is that the leak was caused deliberately by a disgruntled migrant worker on less than the minimum wage.”

According to a recent interview in Shrub And Bush magazine, Prince Charles opined that Her Majesty would probably use Boaty for her annual cruise on the Norfolk Broads. Charles was quoted as saying, “Of course, one is not bothered one way or the other.  One would rather spend one’s holidays in Cornwall with one’s aspidistras.”

Other royals were equally unimpressed. “I couldn’t give a hoot, I’m too busy pushing out sprogs!” said Catherine Cambridge. “Sod orff!” said a representative of the Palace. “What’s a yacht?”asked Meghan McMarkleface.

An unwanted, expensive, useless white elephant? What’s not to love?

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Universal credit replaced with compulsory purchase of scratch cards to fund new royal yacht

The Conservative government has moved at last to alleviate the burden of universal credit’s imposition by replacing the scheme with compulsory purchase of special scratch cards to fund the new royal yacht.

“Clearly only one in four people will win,” DWP spokesman, A Syco MP for somewhere, told LCD, “but that’s actually better odds than anyone gets when they enter the lottery of birth.”

It’s believed forcing people sponging off the hardworking British taxpayer with the lifestyle choice of public shaming and official denigration to pay for it will help unite the country behind the plan for the yacht.

“It’s going to bring a real touch of class when Liam Fox and whatever royal is desperate enough set sail for China to agree a comprehensive free trade deal that easily improves on the minor benefits currently gained by membership of the EU,” A Syco observed, “imagine the sight too as people flock to Plymouth to wave hankies and wish them speedy and safe return?”

What the Queen thinks about being dragged into a scheme of nationalist jingoism and tokenism is not clear, but probably best to refer to the EU flag hat she wore to the opening of parliament earlier in the year.

In what is a surprise to some, many people who lived through the Blitz are not Brexiters, but somehow a lot of their children are.

“All these other countries are building space planes and new supersonic aircraft, well, a proper ship with a pine mast imported from Russia will show them up good and proper.”

It’s thought once the new royal yacht, presumed to be called Royal McBoaty Royalface, or Jingo McToken Ridiculehead, or whatever, has finished its life as a trading super symbol, it can be stripped down to the hulk and moored in the Thames estuary.

“This will allow us to store convicted dissenters before we transport them to the new colonies Global Britain is going to discover with our big shiny ship as we forge Empire 2.0,” A Syco enthused, and so say all of us.

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OUTRAGE over children’s TV star arrested by drug squad in dawn raid

BBC children’s television programming director was in lockdown this morning after news broke that one of the Beeb’s highest paid children’s television entertainers has been arrested by drug squad officers acting on a tip off from the Daily Mail.

While neither the Met nor Broadcasting House will confirm the identity of the criminal OPERATING A DRUG DISTRIBUTION NETWORK FOR YEARS IN PLAIN SIGHT UNDER THE NOSES OF TAXPAYER FUNDED EXECUTIVES, LCD has it on good authority that the arrested individual is Makka Pakka from the award winning show “In the night garden”.

“It comes as no surprise to anyone who has paid close attention to this seemingly trippy, but harmless, children’s show,” A Scandal, light entertainment correspondent for LCD says, “he visits all the inhabitants of the wood daily on his rounds and they are all obviously off their heads on cake, or worse, crystal meth.”

It appears the Daily Mail inserted an undercover reporter in the production team when they realised the show was the one area of UK life they hadn’t at least attempted to poison.

Makka Pakka’s agent was refusing all calls this morning, but we were able to speak to Upsy Daisy who gave the following statement,

“It’s a relief that he’s finally been collared. I’m into him for about fifty large and I was considering betting fraud, or worse, as the only option to come up with the cash before he broke my legs.”

Although definitely part of something untoward our correspondent is not certain Makka Pakka is anything more than a minor player.

“He’s just a mule,” A Scandal asserted, “I’m pretty sure Igglepiggle is the kingpin of the operation and those tiny folk in the house do the cooking up.”

The BBC has cancelled all scheduled screenings of the show in what has been called a knee jerk reaction.

Well, not all, they’re going to play the episode where Tom Hardy reads the bedtime story on a loop until they have the situation under control, but they’ll be covering his face with a digitally inserted mask to protect his identity.

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British universities ordered to ban words like “remain” and “history”

The country’s universities are a step closer to being incubators of just and right thought today as the government announced its plans for the Great University Reform Bill, which will ban the use of bad words like “remain” and “history”.

“Free speech means you are free to speak on behalf of the government,” Jo Johnson MP, the author of the bill, told a very sympathetic old timer on Radio 4’s devout Today programme.

“It’s been shown since the referendum that the country’s universities are refusing to do their patriotic victory and agree with Nigel Farage. We’re just not going to tolerate it. And this also gives me some exposure. My brother is a total hog. I’m sick of being asked, and what do you do? I legislate the way people think. That’s what I do.”

It’s believed the new powers, which will be enforced by an entirely balanced watchdog composed entirely of Conservakip members, and Kate Hoey, will scrutinise all university lectures prior to their being given.

“We’ve managed to hobble the BBC over the last few years by threats against their funding, and by making them obsessed with chasing ratings rather than dedicating their news output as a bullwalk against bias.

We’ve managed to get our private schools paid for with taxpayers’ money with the free school initiative, which saves us a lot of the political inconvenience we used to suffer from exclusive education.

The upcoming social cost of segregating generations in schools on religious grounds will be someone else’s problem.

Now we just have to bully, by way of financial threats, the already sensibly reformed, along business models, universities with financial threats unless they allow visiting KKK economic wizards to speak to young people whose minds are too full of facts nowadays, and we’ll be well on the way to controlling all the thought of the country in distracted service to our tax havens.”

While many are sympathetic to a push back against no-platforming, it’s perhaps unwise to trust a government committed to an agenda based on the dissemination of lies to legislate for reform.

Maybe they can go a little further and have rolling tapes of Nigel Farage lecturing on his idea of WW2 in dorms and canteens, just for balance? It would a useful way to combat the rot caused in patriotic feelings by critical thinking.

“Once universities are talking about the glory to come of finally being able to trade internationally with a blue passport in hand, and only with countries whose human rights record government ministers envy, we’ll know we’re well on the way to making a tangible success of Brexit.”

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MOD ordered to replace all rifles with long bows by 2022

The Ministry of Defence has joined in the festival of proper British sovereignty regained with the announcement that all rifles will be replaced by longbows by 2022.

“We all know how terrified the French are of our famous English longbows,” Mr T. Off, Conservakip MP, junior minister at the MOD, advised LCD’s busy defence correspondent.

“And the return of such a powerful symbol of English military power will give us the edge once we engage in prosecco focused tariff wars with the largest trading bloc on Earth.”

It’s believed the French are still so traumatised by the exploits of Henry V, before he died of the runs, that they will lobby the Germans to give us all we want in the negotiations centred on leaving as many British pensioners as possible resident in the Costa del Sol.

“The Spanish will quake too,” Mr T. suggested, “if they start kicking off over Gibraltar we’ll set a frigate on fire and send it into the harbour at Malaga.”

This is seen as British exceptionalism at its best, especially given the demands of austerity mean that the navy is soon to de-commission its frigates and replace them with a group of angry people on the shore shouting about forriners.

A defence spokesman for Labour endorsed the plan, “English craftsmen fashioning traditional English items by hand? What’s not to like. Once we seize power and drive the entire service economy into the sea, because of our adherence to the outdated doctrines of Lexit, which have paid no attention to all the rights the EU have enshrined in law, handicrafts will replace pretty much all of British industry anyway. I’m personally going to live in a damp wattle hut until I get trench foot.”

Asked about the increased military threat of deluded English nationalists holding longbows after Brexit, the EU commented,

“No one was stopping you arming yourselves with longbows, the decision to adopt rifles was an English decision, if not a Scottish or Northern Irish one. You are welcome to go back in time as far as you like.

We expect to clean the bones of your economy if we can get in before the Americans and the Chinese in the devalued U.K. plc asset stripping orgy that is to come.”

Children will soon be expected to miss each Monday to practise with the longbows while singing ‘Land of Hope and Glory”.

This is showing great foresight, as it will give them the edge once the food riots begin.

*Originally published in 2017. Just had to change the date from 2019 to 2022. Brexit. It’s been telling us what it is from the start.

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Nigel Farage to personally teach children how to smoke in cars again from 2019

Nigel Farage is continuing his one-man mission to mould Great Britain into his own personal Utopia. His next move is to bring back smoking for all, and even extend the privilege to the youngest members of society.

“I want to smoke whenever, and wherever, I want to,” declared Farage. “This is what Brexit is all about – regaining personal freedoms lost to the EU dictatorship. I am determined to reintroduce the right to clog up one’s lungs with gunk while polluting the atmosphere.”

Health campaigner Siggy Hayter was unimpressed. “Smoking has been proved to be bad for you and others,” she preached. “It also looks and smells unattractive. These people are sucking the life out of themselves.”

Farage had his answer ready. “You, my friend, are sucking the joy from life!” he spluttered.

“Where’s the pleasure in sucking on a phallic symbol? demanded Ms Hayter.

“Nothing wrong with enjoying a puff,” countered Farage.

”I want to make smoking compulsory. Especially in cars. The whole family can then enjoy the experience together!”

Farage revealed that, once that he is President of the independent UK, smoking will be introduced to the National Curriculum. Children as young as 5 will be expected to master basics such as removing the cellophane from a cigarette packet. Inhaling will be expected from the age of 7, and chain-smoking mandatory by secondary school.

In a related scheme, milk at break time will be replaced with half a pint of best bitter.

“This is such an important policy, so I will personally teach children the art of smoking in a car,” Farage declared. “How to manage lighting up while cornering, ashtray manipulation, and dog-end disposal on the move.”

Nigel had one more bombshell to drop. “I will also ban taxes on tobacco, and tax abstention instead. The more you abstain, the more you pay!”

Ms Hayter was heard to mutter something about reduced life expectancy. No doubt Nigel will be coughing all the way to his coffin.

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Page 3 of iconic blue passports to feature topless model

Rule Britannia took another bold step in global reverse this week with the announcement that page three of the new patriot blue passports will feature an iconic topless model in what is being heralded as a tangible victory for the past.

“It’s really a victory for that tireless Briton Rupert Murdoch,” Theresa May gushed, “it was only a few years ago that treasonous libtard snowflakes forced that great icon of British values off page three of the rising Sun.

But today, we announce the first tangible victory struck against the tyrannical Eurocrats of the EU and their underhand quest to make day to day cooperation between nation states easier.”

Patriots will be given a choice of which famous topless model they want to see on page 3 of their sovereignty booklet.

Samantha Fox is rumoured to be the most popular choice amongst the Leave supporting Labour constituencies.

“Tory leave areas differ though. They are said to have already started a petition to have a fully clothed portrait of Queen Victoria instead. Riding a unicorn with a whip in one hand, a bit of rough in the other and a musical chip inserted into the passport that plays Ride of the Valkyries whenever the passport is opened.”

Complaints by dubious types that there should also be the option to have photo of David Hasselhoff from his Baywatch era on page 3 have been met with official scorn.

“Patriots like tits,” a home office spokesman affirmed, “I personally prefer shags.”

As to which leading light of British political thought will be the first the use the passport and display a pair of breasts in declaration of how into the future the U.K. now is?

“It’s between Boris Johnson and Jeremy Corbyn. They’re going to draw straws to choose the winner who will cross the new hard border in Ireland at 00:01 on the 30th March 2019 and explain to the people there how they did all they could.”

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Blue passport can only be used to travel to blue countries

The latest implication of the new post-Brexit blue passport can now be revealed. A blue cover entitles true-blue Brits to travel to other blue countries.

Seeking clarification, LCD’s Colour Of Legal Documents correspondent contacted 10 Downing Street. They issued a highly detailed document. Hidden amid paragraph after paragraph of self-justification and obfuscation, a few nuggets of hard information could be found.

“Blue countries means Blue countries.” “Blue represents the hardest Brexit possible.” “All truly representative political parties are associated with the colour blue.” “Blue is the colour, football is the game.” “A blue hat for a blue day.”

So that’s all clear then. We telephoned Labour HQ for their response, and received the following message. “Blue countries? Hang on a mo. you’re joking!… what, really? Oh… what did Number 10 say?… Yeah, that. What they said.” At that the line went dead.

It was a similar story with other political parties. The LibDems, after 15 minutes of valiant hand-wringing, offered nothing more. All the members of UKIP were down the pub celebrating their great victory, although one did claim to be my very best friend before collapsing on the floor.

Professor of Geography Easton Hemisphere had an alternative take on the news. “Traditionally, a political map of the world uses four colours,” stated Prof Hemisphere. “So the new passport will take you to any country traditionally coloured blue.”

All well and good, but isn’t Great Britain traditionally shown in pink? “Yeah, but you don’t think anyone will actually use it, do you?” retorted Prof Hemisphere. “That’s the big secret, a blue passport won’t even be valid in this country! Nor any other, as blue wasn’t generally used! Ha ha!”

We suspect that Prof Hemisphere has allowed himself a degree of latitude in his analysis, although it makes no less sense than Blue countries means Blue countries.

The Smurfs are said to be fearing an influx of holidaying Brits.