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Jacob Rees-mogg’s eurosceptic research group confident in the superiority of British knees

The blood of all true born British men were beating a little stronger today with the news from Jacob Rees-mogg’s new eurosceptic research group that it was confident in the superior quality of British knees.

“Old Bonny will soon be on the run in the Brexit negotiations,” J. Bull, spokesman for the group, told LCD Views.

“The weak livered continentals don’t have the knack of either the high or the long jump. Not got the spine for it. Our modern training methods mean British men have substantially firmer knees.”

It’s believed the research group will recommend advancing negotiations now to the stage where all the chaps involved roll up their trousers and stand in a line.

“The Queen will be a fair judge. We’re certain she will identify the knees of British men as not only firmer, but more dexterous than anything the continent can throw at us. After that there will be no more of this project fear talk.

Forget your divorce bill.

Actually forget divorce as a concept.

Once we’re a modern, free, enterprising, isolated trading sovereign nation again and Jacob is elevated to prime minister, divorce will be the first regressive measure taken in recent years to be outlawed.”

When asked why there was no mention of women in their recommendations, Mr Bull looked surprised.

“We’ve mentioned the Queen forty seven thousand, nine hundred and forty three times, in just the first document.”

Other women?

“Oh, the fairer sex in general? Oh, they’ll be in the home. Breeding for Britain! We’ll need the cannon fodder for when we advance our thinking out of the nineteenth century.”

And what if they’re wrong, what if British knees prove less firm?

“That’s the talk of a collaborator,” Mr Bull replied, with a furrowing brow, “But I’ll let it pass. Let’s just say if it’s a complete and bloody disaster, the negotiations, certain clever fellows will make even more money. The sort that keep their money offshore. But you didn’t hear that from me.”

Mr Bull left at that point in the hope of watching the Battle of the Nile, live.

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Conservative party new social media strategy now to delete everything posted before yesterday, just in case

Roger Bolton, de facto head of the Conservative Party political goals and social media strategy unit, has informed all party members that the new social media strategy is to delete everything posted online before yesterday, just in case.

“Just till we can work out what the hell is going on,” Mr Bolton explained,

“apparently some of our younger, more media savvy members have a back catalogue of statements, even videos, that are ahead of their time.”

It’s believed the directive will stay in place until the unit figures out how to best use social media for the classic dead cat days.

“You know those days when a hospital closes due to only having toddlers available as play nurses, no real nurses left. Tends to play a bit poorly amongst the welfare scrounging demographics.”

In the usual run of things an MP no one has heard of, not even in the constituency they represent, is ordered to say something a bit exciting.

“Draws the media scrum away from the bad news event. A little peak into the soul of the party is a small price to pay.”

While this is still a viable play, look at the recent example of Annie Mary Morrish, the unit believes they need to work out how to use it effectively on social media.

“To get the whippersnappers engaged.”

But critics of the strategy, from within the party, don’t think the directive goes far enough.

“We need to install an auto-destruct mechanism on all social media accounts,” C Rocodile MP, Turtle on Fencepost, tweeted to the official Con twitter account,

“in fact it would be a damn sight easier if we just pulled out of the SM [social media] altogether and closed all our accounts.”

Pull off into orbit and nuke Twitter from space?

“It’s the only way to be sure.”

C Rocodile next posted a compilation of royal bums to which people are invited to give a “phwoar” rating.

Fortunately for the MP everything he does online today will vanish on Saturday.

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Will the will of the people mean less free will for the many, but probably not the few?

Let us go back in time, back to before Brexit began, before the flash laziness of George and Dave, before the messiah JC, before the Maybot, all the way back to 1346.

We’ll skip the events in between, because time is short.

1346, when the Black Death began its sweep across the world from east to west.

There is consensus that it killed fifty percent of any community it arrived within, this plague, this pestilence, Yersinia pestis. Some places it killed more and others less, fifty percent is the savage average.

“…earliest symptom was the appearance of certain swellings in the groin or armpit [unlike its first appearance to the east; bleeding from the nose was the first symptom then], some of which were egg-shaped whilst others were roughly the size of a common apple…” (1)

You’ve heard or read all this before, most likely, and how does it resonate with events now?

With Brexit?

This is my query and freedom of movement is the key.

I find strong resonance with the much contested issue of ‘freedom of movement’ within the European Union, that we are currently able to enjoy, or malign, depending on your point of view.

And how do I draw a line between Brexit and the time of the Black Death?

It’s not an attempt to be melodramatic. It is just asking a question to do with resonance.

It’s to do with how the ruling elite in England, in the 14th century, responded to the massive social impact of, and disorder in the aftermath of Yersinia pestis.

They found the labouring classes, the serfs, taking advantage (unfairly, if you were a baron…and had an economic model based on a labour system just above slavery) of the shortage of labour in the country to demand greater rights, greater wages.

King Edward III heard the plaintive cries, of his medieval chumocracy, and responded with a law called the “Statute of Labourers”, passed in 1351.

Here is the extract that catches my eye. That brings to mind Brexit and the desire to crush freedom of movement between the UK and the rest of the EU.

“…seen fit to ordain: that every man and woman of our kingdom of England…shall be bound to serve him who has seen fit so to seek after him; and he shall take only the wages liveries, meed or salary which, were accustomed to be paid…” (2)

There were further measures in the years that followed. This was because not everyone in the elite was able to hold the line. They were guilty of “enticement”. Offering greater wages because they needed the labour on their land and because the labour was happy to go. A little less serfdom cake is an enticing thing.

This “Statute of Labourers” passed in 1351, and other measures, were an attempt to squash freedom of movement of serfs after the great plague.

A move from the elites to suppress wage and conditions through controlling labour movement. To control the lives of the many, by the few, tying them to just one piece of land.

It failed, The Peasants’ Revolt, led by Wat Tyler, in 1381, saw Wat dead and it saw the death of the 1351 law and others.

Ordinary people now had a greater share of rights. Even if there was still a long way to travel.

This change (in England) can be traced back to as a key turning point that led centuries later to the abolition of absolute monarchy, on from there to the industrial revolution and finally universal suffrage and parliamentary democracy in the United Kingdom.

If you control your labour, its physical liberty to move across a landscape and continent, then you have a greater chance to control the wages and conditions of that labour. In short, if you’re a baron you can grow richer by disenfranchising labour of its rights.

We have travelled a long way from 1351. Let us not start going in reverse, lead by blowhards and bus drivers like Boris, Farage and all the others, backed (allegedly) by tax avoiding billionaires.

Long ago the majority of the population was in serfdom. It took centuries to get to now, when all (with limitations our government has seen fit to ignore, for political reasons, I’d suspect) within the union of nations called the European Union can choose where they live, work, study, love and retire.

I can’t help feeling the billionaires, millionaires, MP’s and the extra rabble rousing chancers who have pushed lies about immigration and made names for themselves railing against freedom of movement, have a similar feudal desire to restrict peoples’/workers’ rights.

It’s not just the workers from across the channel whose freedom of movement the Brexiters want to abolish. It’s yours. It’s your children’s.

It means less rights and less of the democracy cake in your hands.

Democracy is one cake we can all have and eat, but only if we defend it against the people who, like their medieval shadows, want to reduce the rights you own.

And it should be asked if, lacking a natural calamity as cover for their plans, the Brexiters have manufactured one?

These are my links between the Brexiters and the ruling elite of 1351.

1. Page 96, “Why Nations Fail” D. Acemoglu & J. A. Robinson, Profile Books
2. Page 99, “Why Nations Fail” D. Acemoglu & J. A. Robinson, Profile Books

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Tory electoral strategy team ‘Onwards’ coming up with ideas to go backward

The powerful, just the most powerful, powerful, really very powerful policy think tank set up by the Conservative Party to win the next general election has hit on a killer electoral strategy.

“We’re going to make everyone, everyone broke,” a beaming F. Field MP revealed,

“since I agreed to chair our new electoral strategy team, Backwards, I’ve not had a good idea, but I’ve nailed it now.”

Details of the master plan are secret, but Mr Field let us have a peak under the cover of his notebook.

“If everyone in the United Kingdom earns less than the tax threshold, no one will pay tax, and everyone will love us. then we can claim a Labour government will raise your taxes!”

Mr Field has drawn a love heart next to “us” to illustrate his passion.

“Now we can go out and argue Labour will cause your taxes to skyrocket and be credible, unless we ruin everyone first?”

Mr F. clearly belongs to a party that knows its business, even if it doesn’t know anything about business.

But Labour have poured scorn on the strategy.

“Unicorns,” their policy guru retorted, “we will give you more unicorns. We’re going to get the best possible deal, unicorns, that will mean a lot to people going bust outside of both the single market and customs union. Unicorns. Then we’ll find which island the 1% has its money on and tax the sands. We don’t need to be inside the largest trading bloc on earth to take action against tax evaders. No. We need to be broke.”

It was in that moment that the guru’s face darkened as he realised Backwards had essentially parked Tory tanks on Labour’s new, redder lawn.

“This won’t do. Making everyone poorer is the essence of a job’s first Brexit!”

We left him to work out which way was onwards and how to do it by going backwards, before the Tories do.

The key to solving the riddle is to do with their policy on Brexit…

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Emmanuel Macron shocked to learn what the Bayeux Tapestry is all about

The President of France, Emmanuel Macron, has expressed deep shock this morning at learning what the Bayeux Tapestry is all about, and hopes it will not impact on the mood when he talks to Theresa May tomorrow.

“I thought it was the story of when the English, under the last English/German/Viking king of Anglo-Saxon-Scandinavian England, you know, back when England was just for the English, unlike when it was Roman internationalists, or before that, when it was various continental celtic tribes, defeated the French/Norman usurper William the Bastard, at Hastings, by your charming English seaside,” he explained,

“To learn it’s the reverse! Sacré bleu!”

It’s believed the offer of the loan of the famous cloth artefact was meant to ease relations between England and France before their leaders meet tomorrow.

It may have done the reverse for how the English press is viewing it as a subtle bit of Gallic triumphalism, and a warning of what’s to come with the Brexit negotiations this year.

We asked our international diplomacy correspondent, Doctor Blanque Check, what he makes of the French faux pas?

“I’ll make of this phopar whatever you want me to,” he responded, aptly signalling why he is the highest paid imaginary member of our staff, “this is the French being too clever for their own good.

Tomorrow, Emmanuel Macron, is going to sit down on a short legged chair, pat the cushion of the one next to his, and ask Ms May to take a seat next to him, ‘mon mois préféré de mai’”

After Ms May acquiesces, President Macron will say something like this in geezer, to make sure Ms May gets it,

“Do you want a jungle in Dover, you great steaming, robotic pillock?

Because the way you’re going, sweetheart, you’ll find your English border right back in England and thousands of refugees camping along your frozen beaches.

How do you think that’s going to play with the tub thumping idiots you rely on to keep you in power?

No idea? Cat got your tongue?

I’ll tell you.

It’s going to spin your head so fast counterclockwise that those little, bitty bolts that hold your head on will pop right out and the whole show will fall right off. That’s how.

Now give’s your financial services, pharmaceutical, aerospace industries, get ready to pay forty percent more for brie and billions for border security and piss off.”

And how does Doctor Check believe this will play with Ms May?

“She’ll be backing a referendum on the terms of Brexit faster than Corbyn can blink when he hears it,” the doctor replied, “by the way, it’s a frigging embroidery, not a tapestry! What is so bloody hard about that?”

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The Grey Suit Pimpernel

In the 17th century in revolutionary France there lurked a mysterious figure amongst the aristocracy. Some thought he (or she) moved to perform deeds of good, others thought the moves were made to avoid the sliding knife of the guillotine.

In the 21st century this mysterious figure has returned, to the dilemma of the media news outlets.

In 2010 he mysteriously wiped away the legal aid programme from the Justice Ministery. This successful imitative lead to the removal of prison officers from HM Prisons.

Southern Rail has felt the hand of the Pimpernel with rail ticket increases quickly followed by rail strikes. Today the HS2 building contract with Carillion lies in shatters. Some say, due to the hand of the Pimpernel.

In frustration Lord Adonis has challenged the Pimpernel to come forward to a verbal duel on a media outlet of their choice. The silence has been deafening.

The grey Pimpernel lurks amongst grey people wearing grey suits and is currently in hiding, preparing to strike again…

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Brexit themed crystal balls withdrawn from sale after the churning mist inside never clears

Leading magic toys retailer, Magic means Magic, responded to a deluge of complaints from unhappy customers today and suggested it may or may not withdraw its line of Brexit crystal balls from sale.

“Customers were complaining that the churning mist inside the Brexit crystal balls never clears to give a clear view,” store manager T May told LCD Views, “but that’s entirely the point.”

Whether or not customers were missing the point of the dark, churning, energy sapping, rights eliminating mist inside the Brexit balls or not, they were certainly filling social media with accusations of faults and dodgy goods.

“Our Twitter team attempted a push back. We released a meme showing how our toy scientists had manufactured special glass that helped increase the suspense of prophesying, but it just increased the blowback.”

So there was no choice but to withdraw the balls and accept a massive loss.

“£350M a week, so far,” T. May shrugged, “it’s increased our brand exposure though. No such thing as bad advertising. Balls mean balls.”

And there were some supporters.

“I like a leap in the dark,” a supporter, Mr Bolt On, chimed in, “I keep getting divorced and married and divorced. I was hoping one of the magic balls would help me land a much younger, aggressively racist lover. But one that would know to keep the pillow talk between the sheets, if you know what I mean?”

Magic means Magic have said they will revise the balls to more accurately reflect their theme.

“Now when you say show me the future it will just be a lonely man crying in a field next to a cow paddie while starving children scream at him holding blue passports,” T May said, “it won’t have enough suspense though.”

We think it’s good the Brexit crystal balls may or may not be withdrawn. We hope the rest of the associated merchandise will too.

“They were balls,” our toy analyst commented, “balls means balls.”

Yes we know that already. There’s a reason he doesn’t comment much.

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Springtime For Donald: The Trump Musical opens to rave reviews

The Donald Trump story is a fairy tale for the modern day. It is the fascinating account of how an egotistical man-ape with an IQ approaching double figures can fail his way to the top.

Springtime For Donald traces the career trajectory from small-time billionaire to President. It is truly a riches-to-riches story that cannot fail to warm the cockles of even the most hard-hearted Liberal.

The show opens with the feelgood overture “Springtime For Donald”, set on inauguration day. It then looks back over Trump’s dodgy deals, money laundering and bankruptcies. The plot hinges on the device that Trump, the eternal failure who doesn’t know the meaning of the word, would be guaranteed to lose a race to the White House. His impoverished backers, Mikhail Antonov and Vladimir Vladivostok, would then be able to make vast sums of money on the back of the deal.

The first half ends with the triumphant “Trump Is The Word”. This is accompanied by a full chorus, and a Busby Berkeley-style dance at the end of which the dancers spell the word “Trump!”. The curtain falls, and a lengthy game of crazy golf is played on stage during the interval.

The second half traces Trump’s presidency, as his backers scrabble with the reality of snatching victory from the jaws of defeat. “I was so careful!” exclaims Vladivostok. “I picked the wrong candidate, the wrong campaign, the wrong team. Where did I go RIGHT?”

The ballad “Golden Thrones, Golden Showers” follows, before the show-stopping “Fake News”. A brief moment of self-reflection with “Don’t Let The Sunbed Go Down On Me” segues into “My Way”. After a brief reprise of “Springtime For Donald”, the show ends with the audience singing along to “Make America Great Again” as Antonov and Vladivostok are dragged off to prison.

“This is a fantastic show,” said LCD’s Satirical Revues reviewer. “It gives hope to every failure hoping not to lead a major nation on the back of Daddy’s fortune. Catch it while you can!”

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365M people found chained to golden throne in ensuite at Mar-a-lago resort

Reports from America this afternoon indicate 365M people have reportedly been discovered chained to a golden toilet inside the little known Florida resort Mar-a-lago.

“A woman escaped early this morning and entered a nearby police station saying she had escaped from an orange faced man’s ensuite toilet while he was distracted by something unflattering on Twitter,” officer D. Ocracy told LCD Views great team of foreign correspondents.

Just the greatest. The world has never seen a team like ours.

It appears the suspect, a Mr Drumpf, has been holding the people hostage for over a year and he’s not alone.

“Mr Drumpf is believed to be working with a Russian gentleman and numerous multi-billionaire neocons, or greed fuelled sociopaths, to entrap the unfortunate people.”

It’s not known exactly what the orange man’s motivation is, but it’s believed racism and a zero knowledge of history and current events is involved.

“He makes us all perform a ritual each day,” the escapee is believed to have said, “we have to disavow someone called Obama. It’s quasi-religious, the fervour. If you don’t say ‘Obama bad’, you don’t get your ration of gruel.”

Curiously though, not all the trapped people seem keen on escape.

“It’s thought a few don’t mind the forced stay. Mostly they are ones who like the way he talks because they thrive on lack of context and finding people to blame.”

Police are also working on the theory that this is an international conspiracy tied to the group presently holding 65M+ people captive in the U.K. too.

“We should have begun the rescue operation in Florida by November 6th this year,” the officer reassured, “but I’ll buggered if I know when the limeys are going to be rescued.

Most of the available law enforcement on that side of the pond don’t seem interested in attempting a rescue as they’re erotically obsessed with some kind of ideological battle that’s building between the far left and the far right, whatever that is.”

More on this as it breaks.

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Chris Grayling to live as a hermit until Carillion goes away

In an exclusive interview Transport Secretary Chris Grayling talks to LCD Views about his new life as a hermit.

Q. Mr Grayling, it is Mr, isn’t it? You haven’t received your peerage yet?

No answer.

Q. Well, let’s move on? Why did you decide to crawl into this undiscovered, Neolithic tomb on a subpolar crag of an island hundreds of miles from the nearest, other inhabited island?

No answer.

Q. Okay, I guess that’s too personal. The next question is, what do you have to say to all those sub-contractors likely to go bust as a result of the collapse of Carillion?

A company you awarded massive government contracts to, even though, there were clear signs it was essentially being run like a Ponzi scheme?

No answer.

Q. Let’s push this one a little. I think the people affected by your incompetence deserve an answer, they accepted the work because the government backed Carillion.

No answer.

Q. When are you coming home? Have you letters you would like me to mail when I get back to Orkney?

No answer.

(At this point the transport secretary, who looks a bit cavemanish for having lived in the cave since he dodged questions on the rail fare increases, appears to throw scat at our reporter)

Q. Final question. Do you anticipate enjoying your pension in retirement after a long and glorious ministerial career of turning anything you touch to shit?

That’s what I’ll get my peerage for.

Q. So this is not a vow of silence, just a hermitage?

No answer.

Q. Goodbye Secretary of State for Transport.

A. Don’t tell anyone you found me or I’ll stop all your Southern Rail trains services from running on time. And do me a favour, chase the little devils away from my cave door.

It’s clear he’s lost his mind.

Still, at least he’s still being paid, even for hiding from his responsibilities.