LCD Views

LCD Views interviewed shadow minister for fence sitting, C Ynical, earlier today and he revealed that for the official opposition achieving Lexit is more important than the NHS.

“No one will suffer once we have a government led by a man whose initials are the same as a famous religious figure.

Although that in no way explains the sometimes kipper like love of denigration of opponents found in the social media posts of his worshippers. I mean, um, the membership of the party that belong to a militant, sectarian movement that has currently seized surface control of the party.”

They’re building a movement. Be patient. What’s the NHS or universal credit or looking like absolute asshats internationally compared to that?

“Lexit has been our long held goal since the 1970’s. You know the 1970’s? We had blue passports then. Blue passports will be the first tangible success of Lexit.”

When questioned if the official opposition shouldn’t oppose Brexit in order to tear a pack of reckless, greed driven, right wing idiots out of Downing Street, and by doing so, save the economy of tomorrow and the NHS, which media reports state is now so under resourced people are dying prematurely in corridors, the spokesman was adamant.

“Lexit is way more important. Jesus Christ comrade! You’re in danger of being first to the re-education camps with questions like that. I’m beginning to suspect you’re a class traitor Blairite. And we all know there is nothing, nothing worse than that.”

So it looks like the future for the NHS is pretty dicey.

The party that is busily running it down and privatising it is safe in government because the party that could tear them down wants them there to achieve Lexit.

Who’s to blame? Must be the centrists. Yeah. That’s who.

In a surprising display of candour for a modern politician a Labour Party Brexit spokesman has confirmed that Labour’s much trumpeted ‘jobs first Brexit is…’

“Where the jobs go first and then we Brexit. This is why we support a transition period between Brexit and Brexit.”

This is in stark contrast to the current Conservative Party Brexit, generally known as, smash it all to shit so wealthy backers with massive offshore wealth can asset strip the U.K. while simultaneously stripping away all the rights protected by membership of the European Union.

This is usually referred to by the snappier handle of ‘Brexit means Brexit’ or ‘A red, white and blue Brexit’.

“Labour wanted to differentiate itself from the Conservatives, as people are getting confused about all the votes we keep casting in the Commons to support whatever half baked casserole of nonsense Brexit the government puts to a ballot.”

The major dividing line between the two Brexits has not impressed experts.

Three year old, Sandy Sawyer, currently attending a childcare centre two days a week, summed it up like this,

“There is only Brexit and any idiot, who isn’t blinded by an irrational need to reinforce their deep seated personal insecurities, which manifest in an unwavering political tribalism no matter how irrational the actions of the party they have pinned their colours to the mast of, will tell you that.

There simply hasn’t been the time, planning or effort made to grasp the complexities to make a success of Brexit, which involves attempting to unravel ourselves over a long weekend from a relationship that is decades long.

Never mind the fact the roots of the project go back through the ghastly wars of the last century, but no Brexiter is capable of grasping that, or the existential importance of the EU to the rest of Europe.

This is why they just strut about talking cobblers and expect the continental countries to touch the forelock. Muppets.

I expected adults to be better at this. We’re dealing with the future of myself, my peers and my older cousins here.

This whole shambles is like watching my dad attempting to put together a sofa bed from IKEA without reference to the instructions because he thinks he’s gotta do it that way or he loses face.

But I better stop prattling on or I’ll get labelled a Centrist Child. Hand me the shovel please. I’ve got a head sized hole to dig in the sandpit.”

LCD Views own Brexit analyst is also unimpressed.

“Any Brexit is a jobs first Brexit. Just pay attention to the news. Jobs are going and very often now the people who used to do the job. That’s your jobs first Brexit. It’s actually an unintentionally accurate way to describe what we’re currently doing.

Now if you’ll excuse me, Sandy has stuck her head inside a hole in the sand to display a supporter of Brexit. I need to pull her out before she comes to harm.”

The populist propaganda preacher Nigel Farage has decided to make his intentions quite clear. The cheery Brexit slogan “”Bog off, we’’re full”” is to be painted on the white cliffs of Dover. In letters fifty feet high. Using red paint. Farage himself has offered to carry out the work.

Farage is notoriously hard up, however. His measly income from the European parliament barely covers basic necessities, such as Tweed suits and vintage champagne. Therefore he has applied for EU finance to fund this vital work.

LCD’s Tilting At Windmills correspondent met Farage over draught bitter and cigars. ““The government wasn’t keen on painting a message on a national icon,”” said Farage, taking a deep swig of Olde English Dogsbollocks. “”So I volunteered to do it myself. It is symbolic of our great Brexit victory, perhaps even more so than the blue passport.””

It is clearly important to send the correct message to our European chums. “”This is a job that needs to be done, and it falls to yours truly to do it,”” Farage noted, sparking up. “”So I have ordered 500 gallons of bright red paint and a big ladder.””

There is a potential snag: the language barrier. “”That’s why the words will be fifty feet high,”” remarked Farage, patiently. ““It’s the written equivalent of shouting. It always works for me when I have to talk to bloody foreigners!””

And the beauty of it is that the EU will, hopefully, pay. “”Well, they bloody well ought to!”” exclaimed Farage. ““After all the favours we have done them, they should be only too willing to stump up a few quid to help out a poor Englishman! It’s their raison d’’être, to give me their money. It’s a quid pro quo.””

We spoke to the EU’’s Pointless Grants Office, but they just laughed at the suggestion. Poor Nigel may be maxing out his credit card after all.

Manufacturers ordered an immediate halt to sales of Jeremy Corbyn inaction man figures today after the dolls crossed the toy store shop floor to prop up tottering Theresa May ones.

“We couldn’t believe it when we saw it,” shop floor assist Mo Mentum told LCD Views’ Living Dangerously correspondent,

“these aren’t supposed to be battery powered, just wind up ones that shuffle back and forth a bit singing the old Soviet national anthem.

We don’t know how they’re doing it. And we’re buggered if we know why, if we’re honest. Although I’ll personally be calling anyone who says anything critical of the dolls a Blairite.”

The manufacturers were already facing serious criticism for the fact that no fence was included with the JC dolls for people to sit him on.

“The little red book was there. A hammer. A sickle. A scythe. A manifesto commitment to renationalise the railways, something most people can agree on, even Chris Grayling when he’s honest, but no Brexit sitting fence.

People felt short changed, but they were reluctant to return the dolls out of a lingering sense of hope they don’t want crushed.”

Understandable.

But with the sudden awareness that the dolls are capable of supporting others expected to be arch enemies on ideological grounds, sales had to be halted while the makers worked out how to stop it happening.

“Imagine if this sort of thing were to happen in the House of Commons?

Say, regarding some controversial legislation that threatened to potentially reduce the rights of 65M+ people, create economic hardship and all there was to show for it was a blue booklet?

There would be riots if the official opposition didn’t use that moment to get a dangerous and divisive government out of office!”

It’s hoped sales of the dolls will recommence once a way is found to stop the JC dolls supporting the May ones.

“Have you seen the state of the Jeremy Hunt Hospital Play Set?

We can’t update those ones in any satisfactory way until we’ve cleared out the May dolls, but people won’t buy either while JC ones are found next to May dolls. It’s downright scary.”

Asked for comment a Labour Party spokesman replied,

“People are commiting class betrayal by claiming that whoever designed the latest version of the dolls, the more populist, less principled model, don’t know their arse from their elbows. They need to be quiet and get back in line.

 

Just leave the JC dolls to do what they like. After we seize power we’ll be nationalising toy production anyway and each Corbyn doll will come with a magic Brexit unicorn big enough for you to ride on.”

LCD Views has learned of fury in the halls of Brexit today with the revelation that the Home Office has put out to tender the printing of burgundy ration books.

“It’s supposed to be another genius snub to the EU, which passed a law forcing all member states to produce burgundy passports in 1954, but it’s potentially an own goal by the government,” LCD’s Futures correspondent, N Ostradamus reveals, “for how much burgundy incenses Brexiters. And we’re all Brexiters now.”

The ration books are expected to be made by a Saudi Arabian company, in a tie-up cash for U.K. made bombs deal. This is a win win which is designed at diversifying our middle eastern friend’s economy, away from oil and into print.

“We’ve ordered eighty million of them,” N Ostradamus reveals, “more than the current official population of the U.K., but ask any hardline conservative and they’ll tell you for a fact there’s at least fifteen million illegals hiding in the shires. They won’t get ration books, but it’s worried the indigenous population may eat the books while queuing for bread. We’ll need spares.”

LCD Views suggests, if it’s not too late to change direction, that classic British blue would have been the more patriotic choice.

Labour have criticised the plan too.

“A jobs first Brexit will mean most of the able population tilling our nationalised farms and fields. There won’t be any need for rations. People can eat the fallen fruit in the fields as they turning over sods of soil.”

But we perceive the greater danger is the Saudi’s accidentally dropping crates of burgundy ration books on Yemenis after a potential mix up talking to Boris Johnson.

That’s no good.

We only recycle oil money properly when they drop British made bombs and we turn a blind eye. Well, unless they drop the bombs on a population that can perhaps make it to Europe as war refugees. Then it’s a front page Daily Mail issue that we can all shake our fists about.

Presumably some ration books will make it to British soil, so we suggest you order your blue ration book covers now to conceal the treasonous burgundy. They’d make great birthday and Christmas presents in advance of March 2019.

“They should just make the new blue passports dual use,” N Ostradamus recommends, “it’s not like anyone, except the wealthiest, will be able to afford a holiday after March 2019, and I can’t see Jacob Rees-mogg queuing for food, can you?”

No, he’ll send a servant instead, like all the people driving Brexit.