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Solution to Northern Ireland border issue found written on a beermat

It must be the knottiest of knotty problems. How is the UK is to leave the EU without disrupting the fragile peace in Ireland? How fortunate, then, that the solution to the problem has been discovered written on a beermat in Wetherspoons.

It turns out that there is a genius who drinks at ‘Spoons, but poses and solves problems for his own entertainment. This character has been nicknamed “Beermat”, since he writes down all his puzzles on the cardboard coasters commonly provided in pubs.

Beermat is an infuriating character. Slapdash in his approach, with a butterfly mind flitting from problem to problem, he has nevertheless made his mark on society. As well as his work on coasters, he tends to share his thoughts with one or two trusted accomplices over Messenger. Untangling these convoluted ideas is a tedious job, but well worth it to discover the many nuggets of pure thought.

A humble solicitor’s clerk by day, “Beermat” spends his evenings working his way steadily through a variety of problems (and pints). He also works his way through an alarming quantity of mats. These problems include scientific ideas, mathematical proofs and political expediency.

For example, “Beermat’s Principle” is well known. This calculates the shortest distance from Wetherspoons to home, taking in all the other pubs on the way.

Another well-known example is how to square the circle, popularly known as “Beermat’s Little Theorem”. This work is used constantly in modern-day politics.

When it comes to the Irish border, Beermat proposes an astonishing duality. In governmental circles, this is referred to as “Beermat’s Last Theorem” and is discussed in hushed voices. In Beermat’s own words: “The solution is simple. I call it the Brexit/not-Brexit Theorem. This means that Brexit both exists and simultaneously doesn’t exist at all points on the Irish border.” Flipping the card over reveals his most gnomic statement yet:

“I have discovered a truly remarkable demonstration of this Theorem, but the beermat is too small to contain it.”

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Brexit means never having to say you’re sorry

BREAKING NEWS: The true meaning of Brexit has finally been revealed! Brexit means never having to say you’re sorry.

Brexit has unfolded like an unlikely love story. A romance between the aristocratic decision makers and the down-to-earth Will of the People. This unlikely romance has blossomed, but, as in any good romance, it is surely doomed to end in tragedy.

The early heady days passed in a blur, but as time passed, the grim realities of life gradually intervened. It was convenient to forget the practicalities. The Northern Irish border. The good things about EU membership. The fact that there was no way on God’s earth that we would ever get as good a deal as we currently have.

Slowly but surely, the Will of the People is getting sick. The romance has been poisoned, and treatment is needed. The rulers have already spent a great deal of money to ensure that Brexit may proceed, but reality is not responding as it should. Soon, even greater sums will have to be found from the Magic Money Tree as the country desperately tries to find a cure.

The Will of the People is dying. Soon Will will be no more, as the tragedy reaches its climax. Will our great rulers then be obliged to apologise for wasting all that cash on a chimera? No, because Brexit means never having to say you’re sorry.

LCD’s Poncy Arts And Literature correspondent describes the tragedy of Brexit as “sub-Shakespearian”. Extensive interrogation ensued, following which this analysis emerged. “I say sub-Shakespearian, because in a good Shakespearian tragedy both parties die in tragic and avoidable circumstances,” he said, itching to write several books of literary criticism on the subject. “This is the more modern tragedy, where we examine the grief of the remaining party. Although in this case they are almost certain to blame the victim.”

Meanwhile, chimeras will join unicorns, wyverns and kelpies on the endangered species list.

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Official religion of Great Britain now the Church Of Brexit

The government has today announced a change in the country’s official religion. No longer will we be assumed to be Church Of England (unless otherwise stated). The new dominant church is the Church Of Brexit.

High priests of the new Official Religion will be arrayed in red, white and blue. The Bishops of the Church will wear Union Jack waistcoats. The Archbishop of Brexit will also wear a top hat and carry a cane. This is to represent both John Bull and the successful businessman out of Monopoly.

The priesthood – known as “Directors” – will assemble in the Temples of Brexit. Every boardroom across the land will be converted to such a Temple. These Temples will reflect the glory and power of their God. Only the priests will be allowed to set foot in the Holiest of Holies. It will be forbidden to utter the name of this God, although rumour has it that He will be referred to as The HOARD.

Ordinary Church members will congregate in lesser, public meeting-houses (“pubs” for short). They will perform the eucharist of The HOARD by drinking His blood, represented by beer, and eating His body, represented by crisps. England has died. England is risen. England will come again!

Services will be taken by serving wenches, who will serve for as bloody well long as the punters want them to bloody well serve.

Songs of celebration will be sung. The congregation will rise, and with one voice proclaim the Glory of The HOARD. These hymns of praise to Brexit will include football chants and salacious variations on well-known popular songs.

And the people shall recite the prayer that Our Saviour taught us, saying:

Our Farage, who art in denial,
Nigel be your name.
Thy knighthood come!
The Will Of Thy People be done
In St Erth as it is in Devon.
Give us this day our Daily Mail.
And forgive us our traitors,
As we condemn those who betray our country.
Lead us not into Europe,
But deliver us from Brussels.
For thine is the England,
The beer and the cricket.
Brexit means Brexit!
Amen.

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Social Media platform changes algorithm to force youngsters to talk to their racist uncles

The Daily Mail, Sun, Express and Telegraph newspapers were in a celebratory mood today with the news that a major social media platform has changed its timeline algorithm to force youngsters to talk to their racist uncles.

“It’s going to mean young people flocking in droves to read the Daily Mail again,” P Dacre, speaking while shopping for a brick, told LCD.

“It’s really important that social media platforms help print media survive in an environment where advertisers are withdrawing their money from patriotic publications out of a fear of getting ink on their fingers.”

Under the changes conversations between family members will reappear constantly in everyone’s newsfeed until they go in and contribute a minimum of thirteen “engagements”.

“Families should talk to each other more,” Facepamphlet’s CEO told us, “recent studies reveal no family members on the globe have spoken to each other since 2000. It’s probably the fault of the millennium bug. We’re going to stamp it out.”

The real impact will mean that if you’re friends on Facepamphlet, with, for example, an uncle who constantly shares racist misinformation, but you haven’t unfriended him because you don’t want your Mum (or worse, the uncle) phoning up to ask why, the new algorithm will force you to read his posts, and engage, to make it go away, even if you’ve unfollowed him.

“It’s going to do a lot for community cohesion. It will effectively rebuild civilisation overnight.”

But our own social media analyst, Professor Addict, is not so sure,

“I wish facepamphlet would introduce a model like Spotify, where you can pay a small subscription to get free of the advertising, or accept them if you don’t mind or can’t afford it. I would pay not to have my mind constantly analysed.”

The other option is to just stop messing with it out of some need to feel godlike, and set newsfeeds back to just the most recent post and let people choose what to interact with.

“Remember when you could catch up with the latest news from your family and friends just by scrolling down the timeline? Yeah, forget that, it’s gone for good.

Get ready for the phone call from uncle whoever demanding to know why you blocked him so you didn’t have to constantly read his conversations with one hundred bots about how Western society is over.”

We wait expectantly for the change to facepamphlet to bear fruit.

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BBC presenters pay to rise to £1M a year a £1 each time he says “will of the people” in the morning

LCD Views are pleased to inform the great British public of the new pay deal operating at Broadcasting House, which aims to increase the low pay of senior male presenters.

“It’s just fantastic that my patriotic work on the Today programme is finally being acknowledged,” the BBC’s most famous presenter told us, “a pound for every time I say will of the people? I’ll be a millionaire again by the end of the month!”

Equality campaigners have also welcomed the move.

“It’s an equal opportunity field,” R Ussia told us, “men and women, all right thinking, patriotic broadcasters can say will of the people. This only strengthens the motherland.”

It’s felt the timing of the move is right too. As a certain public policy agenda is set to dominate the news like a slow motion car crash all year. One BBC presenter will be guaranteed of a slot on all relevant programmes. Regardless of never saying anything that stacks up.

“Government ministers will be on daily to exhort the people to greater efforts of group think too,” the presenter added, “the BBC’s political programme presenters will have to double down on the reluctance to check the facts of what is being asserted.”

The did a bang up job on Trump’s embassy tweet yesterday.

Repeating ‘will of the people’ ad nauseum is a great way to ensure a success of Empire 2.0. Although there is some trouble in the offing with the change.

“I’m going to sue for back pay.” Humphrey Bear states, “I’ve said will of the people 947,003 times this year already in interviews with quislings attempting to undermine my nostalgic view of the past, superimposed onto the future. British exceptionalism at it’s finest.”

The BBC wouldn’t make an actual director available for interview about the change.

Which is a bit annoying as we’d like to jump on the bandwagon, not check facts anymore and grab a pound a throw for ourselves.

Will of the people. Will of the people. Will of the people. Will of the people…and on and on.

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Pompous puffed up popinjay in foreign office endangers special relationship between U.K. and reality

Boris Johnson took a step closer to getting his own reality television show today by choosing to side with the cheeto faced, racism spewing, alleged Kremlin colluding, sock puppet across the pond instead of London’s mayor Sadiq Khan.

“We here at ‘You can be serious’ productions would love to film a month in the life of Boris Johnson as he attempts to cycle to work through a rain of yellow liquid hurled by Londoners,” a talent scout for the company told LCD.

A spokesman for the foreign secretary tried to downplay excitement over the potential television series.

“He’s not ready yet. He maybe siding with a narcissistic man child who retweets manufactured, racist propaganda, but until he starts retweeting such content himself, or doubles down and calls the citizens of countries he has previously insulted with Victorian era phrases something scatalogical, we have advised him not to sign any deals with ‘You can be serious’, because let’s be honest, he can’t.”

Critics of the foreign secretary have also suggested that,

“the actual pompous, puffed up popinjay is the entitled, blonde buffoon who decided to endanger the entire future of the country he represents by backing a side of serial liars and hate mongers in an important referendum campaign, just to get one up on a former school chum who fancies pigs a little too much.”

We here at LCD Views find the Johnsons’ intervention on the side of Trump, and not Khan, even more curious, given Trump is already heading the news for denigrating a big percentage of the world’s citizens as living in a shithole.

Maybe just keep out of it Boris? Oh wait. You’re jealous Nigel was in the news so you decided to jump in?

It’s unlikely London’s mayor is endangering the special relationship between the U.K. and the USA, as Trump is doing that all on his own. And besides, not many of us want a special relationship with Trump.

There is only one pompous, puffed up popinjay in this row and he’s endangering the U.K.’s relationship with reality, daily.

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Global Britain begins exporting anyone maybe not born in Britain to the globe

Millions of tourists and people who suffer admin screw ups between the Home Office and the country’s banks are to be gifted free trips to their real homes this year thanks to new Home Office rules forcing banks to perform immigration status checks.

“This is a golden opportunity to mismanage documents and kick out all the benefit scroungers,” Fayda Jansen, patriot, told LCD Views.

“When I got this job at my local bank branch I was pretty bummed out. It meant less time fighting for Britain by spam sharing factually based, patriot posts on social media. Which is my true calling.

But now, if someone who isn’t white and so doesn’t have a right to be on English soil comes up to the counter I can just shred their paperwork and book them a seat on Southern’s new Deporting You First, cross channel train service.

I now love the Home Office.”

But critics of the scheme have hit back.

“The Home Office has already announced it’s closing the Chunnel and turning it into a mushroom farm.

If the government u turns on this promise to keep it open to deport illegal humans, who by the way, shouldn’t be here in the first place if they can afford the buffet car prices on their journey home, how are they going to get them out?

No English boat is going to be free to do it. They’ll all be patrolling BRITISH WATERS as part of the Border Volunteer Force. It’s not thought through.”

Another critic, speaking for a human rights organisation, was similarly unimpressed,

“Okay, this is clearly racist, in intent, which fits with Brexit Britain. Is clearly open to abuse. Is a clear data privacy risk. Is going to discriminate against elderly and poorer people who may not have all the documents needed to hand, and so will be stuffed while they sort things out, and to top it all off, they’re going to put forced to use Southern.”

But Christopher Greylimb, government minister responsible for awarding the plumb contract to Southern defended the scheme.

“We’re caring Conservatives,” he said with a dead eye and a weasel’s smile.

But LCD Views is not convinced.

We’re concerned this is more evidence that Global Britain means deporting anyone not born in Britain, or who hasn’t the paperwork to prove it, to anywhere else on the globe.

Just maybe, maybe, it’s another change under May’s loving reign that makes us a teeny, weeny bit racist…

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Londoners urged ‘don’t pour bottles of wee you’ve stored to throw at Trump down the drain all at once’

Thames Waterworks have asked LCD Views to issue an emergency public safety bulletin this morning, on the back of the alarming news that golden showerer in chief, Donald Trump, has called off his planned visit to the capital.

“This is a public safety announcement.

We urgently request all residents of London, and other areas, to not pour your individually collected gallons of piss, stored to throw at Trump, into the storm water drains and sewers all at once,” the bulletin request begins,

“The creaking infrastructure of the capital, and other areas, will be unable to cope with the sheer quantity of yellow liquid and we fear the streets of London, and other areas, being paved with your liquid gold.”

Please take note, this is not the result of privatisation and under investment of the water services.

It is the result of WW2 bomb damage to the infrastructure of the capital, and other areas.

“We ask that you continue to store your liquids safely in neat, well capped, rows in your backyards, out of the reach of boys, and girls, and pets, and drunks.”

Apparently the MoD has expressed interest in collecting the slowly crystallising liquids too.

“As part of Great Britain’s advance into the future we will once again be collecting household urine for the manufacture of gunpowder.”

This is to properly arm the militias Farage intends to set up should Brexit not occur, or even if it does.

“Please be patient at this time of increased demand on the service in London, and other areas.”

You know those leaks in the roads and pavements that occur frequently and take weeks to repair?

You don’t want fountains of wee sparkling in the sunlight on your street.

“This is a public health danger, much like Trump,” the bulletin ends, “and besides, he may still visit later in the year. So keep your powder dry, or wet, to throw another day.”

The end.

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Fracking removes harmful chemicals from YOUR environment, says Michael Gove

Fracking can actually clean your environment, claimed the Environment Secretary this week. Hazardous hydrocarbons are carefully removed from under your property during the process. One possible cause of toxic contamination is being removed.

“It’s a win-win situation,” claimed departmental spokeszombie Edd Lesschicken. “Fracking reduces pollution and increases our oil supplies. It’s a no-brainer!

“Picture the scenario,” he continued. “YOUR house probably sits above an immense quantity of oil and gas. Imagine all that leaking out all over YOUR patio! You’d want it removed, right? And we are going to do it. For free! It’s the bargain of a lifetime.

“Fracking is the simple, harmless procedure in which water and sand and other shit is pumped lovingly into the ground under enormous pressure. This gently forces the nasty oil and shale gas out into the open, where it can be safely stored in vast attractive gasometers.

“The horrid poisons will then be refined and distributed throughout the land via pipelines and tankers, which definitely won’t leak much. Probably.

“YOU will then benefit, because YOU will be able to run YOUR BMW Challenger 2 series on BRITISH fossil fuels for many more years, and feel smug because YOU are doing YOUR bit for the environment!”

Mr Lesschicken frequently referred to Mr Gove as “Mr Green” during his announcement. It is believed to be an endorsement of Gove’s environmental credentials. Less charitable observers reckon that it’s more to do with his toad-like countenance.

Whinging so-called “realists” have pointed out that the word “fracking” is derived from the sound that bedrock makes when it fractures under extremes of pressure. They go on to complain that fracking causes “subsidence” and “earthquakes”. Never one to listen to self-appointed experts, Gove was gently reassuring. He has volunteered his own home town as a flagship fracking ground.

Gove is clearly the spiritual heir to David Mellor. The one who fed mad-cow beefburgers to his daughter. The one who got laid, despite wearing a Chelsea shirt and being David Mellor. Remember him? Bet you fracking wish you didn’t.

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People who want to frack your backyard serious about protecting the environment

A woman already famous for aching to bring back fox hunting and fracking has confirmed her deep desire to protect the environment.

“I’m not sure which environment,” the woman said earlier, “probably the one over there, the one without any frackable gas under the fly tipping.”

She went on to counter accusations that the rebranding of her party from one who’d shoot the last polar bear if there was a pound of profit to be had, to a party more green than the Greens, is not a cynical, shallow reaction to the sudden awareness no one under seventy is ever going to vote for them again.

“Pretending to love the environment with long term, largely detail free assertions, is the best way to win back young people,” a friend of the woman said, “Just because I’m known for stabbing my friends in the back, doesn’t mean you can’t trust me on this.”

Young people are likely to be fooled by this pitch, forget the crushing of their dreams related to EU membership, home ownership, health care and affordable education and begin voting for the party these two represent again.

“This idea must have come from the special committee set up to work out how to get young people to vote Tory,” a young person told LCD Views, “presumably they decided that as a tiny minority of us went to Eton we must all be incredibly thick.”

Are you young, didn’t go to school with silver spoon kids and are convinced?

At least they may have to follow through with the Ivory trade ban now. Which is great.

Now, just settle back and wait for them to frack the f*ck out of your backyard.