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Honest broker to argue Brexit is liberal if you forget how many racists love it

Honest broker and all round friend of the people Boris Johnson is to argue today Brexit is liberal if you forget how many racists love it.

In a move that will shock his critics, the minister of state, often regarded as liberal with the truth, will break from long held tradition and come clean.

”Let’s be clear, the will of the people must be obeyed,” Johnson will argue with the strength of a willy of the people suffering from sporadic erectile dysfunction.

”Many times throughout the last century of history in the first half of the twentieth century on the continental landmass of Europe we saw the result of obeying the will of the people and just imagine if mob populism had been betrayed?”

Indeed.

”Whether you voted to leave the gaggle of democracies that have lately enshrined so many rights for people in shared law it makes a neocon’s eyes bleed for that lost percent of profit, or you voted to stand against the rise of nationalism and the chaos and carnage it has always led to, it’s time to unite behind Nigel Farage’s vision of our future.”

This was best evoked when Nigel mirrored Nazi propaganda during the EU ref campaign.

”All of Britain now will join with one heart to shout go home at anyone who looks like they may not be English, which includes shouting at Scots, and say to the world, trust us, trade with us, ignore that we will do whatever makes Rupert Murdoch feel powerful in the autumn of his life.”

He will then say pifflefaffle and something about smiles for the remainder of the speech before lifting hearts by reminding all,

”Brexit is a liberal project,” saluting with a flattened hand raised high, “if you are a racist.”

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Premier league champions Brexit United still leading despite playing poorly

Premier league champions Brexit United are still leading despite playing poorly and claim they can hold on to take the crown no matter what challenge they face.

Their nearest rivals, Remain Rovers, have put in some strong performances, but, despite being presented with open goal after open goal, keep failing to score.

But it is United who continue to make the running.

Manager T. May is unable to explain the continued success.

“I am reluctant to change a winning team,” said May. “Even though performances have not been up to the standard I would expect. Somehow, although we can’t score for toffee, or even fudge, our opponents keep scoring own goals.”

The media billionaires who provide the finance are currently satisfied.

“So long as we stay on top of the league we don’t care what we play like,” claimed chairman R. Murdoch. “But if it all goes pear-shaped then we have Jacob Rees-Mogg lined up to take over as manager.”

Midfield general Jeremy C. Hunt expressed the fear that players would be dropped if they played badly.

“I was going to be dropped, but managed to make the boss realise that I was an essential part of the team,” said Hunt. “Players simply need to let the boss know who’s boss.”

Football pundit Larry Gineker gave his analysis.

“Disunited is a better name for the champions,” he said on Botch of the Day.

“Their Irish players in particular need to start playing for the team. However it is almost as if their opponents are deliberately helping them to win. We must hope that May injects some passion in the second half of the season. Would you like some crisps?”

Jermaine Jackson looked at Remain Rovers’ chances. “They simply need to expose Brexit as frauds,” he said. “It’s as easy as 1, 2, 3.”

Meanwhile some fans are deserting both teams in disgust. Brexit United’s media people deny occasional claims that a small, but vocal block of their supporters have switched allegiance.

A cup tie on May 3rd may make things clearer.

”I have teeth to pull,” said one irritated fan. “My drying paint won’t watch itself,” claimed another.

Unfortunately, all the diehards can do now is to shout from the sidelines and wait for the red cards.

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Russian oligarch owner of English premier league team rumoured to be considering changing manager

Rumours were swirling on the back pages of the terminally ill red tops today that the Russian oligarch owner of an English premier league team is considering changing manager.

The problem appears to be ongoing differences over strategy. We asked our only sports correspondent for more.

”It’s to do with the unceasing run of score draws. You don’t spend billions on sponsorship and coaching and media strategy just to watch 0-0 week in and week out.

Not to mention the endless bans for accumulated red cards being handed down to players that cost millions a week to the British economy.”

All that aside, the team is still top of the league.

”But that’s because the only current team capable of mounting a challenge keeps its best players on the bench each week and fields ten defenders and the goalkeeper.”

So the worry is if the challlenger gets a new manager first, one with aggressive strategy, the inherent weaknesses will be exposed?

”Think about last time they played? The winner scraped over the line 1-0 in extra time, in spite of being down to eight men.

All their best players are currently out injured.

They’re having to field a team largely composed of people near retirement who play with anger alone. Their youth squad can’t recruit. It’s a joke.

Any rising stars they do have tend to get caught out in betting scandals.

Like the one who got caught attempting to funnel team secrets to a foreign military’s team. Wtf?

It’s a complete shambles. You tell me how they’re managing to scrape draws every game?

They should be smashed down to the bottom of the league and unable to escape relegation.”

Presumably the manager’s stated intention to pull out of the Champion’s League in Europe and focus on the domestic league must be causing trouble too?

”Actually no. That’s the one area of strategy where the manager and the Russian oligarch owner completely align.”

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AA warns that the road to Brexit is paved with bad intentions

The UK’s roads experts issued the warning earlier this week. The government, whose track record on experts is well known, is set to dismiss the advice because they don’t like it.

The road to Brexit has not been easy. Somehow, despite diversions, u-turns and nasty EU police, the journey continues.

At the wheel of the big red bus, Theresa May. With her feet decisively pressed on all the pedals at once. Next to her, guiding her progress, is Boris Johnson with a road map dating from the 1930s. The road to Brexit isn’t marked but he urges May on regardless.

The remaining seats are filled with leavers pulling levers. May may be at the controls for now but the back-seat drivers are driving us backwards.

Bad intentions are littered liberally across the path. Hazards like Tax The Poor, Privatise The NHS and The Irish Border obstruct progress along the road to Brexit. May asks David Davis how to avoid them, but he is asleep in a teapot in Wonderland.

The AA advises all who journey in this treacherous landscape to find an alternative route. “These blockages will not sort themselves out,” says mouthpiece Robyn Reliant.”Skilled craftsmen have been working on then for a long time now. Unfortunately they have been replaced by numpties who want to bash a square peg into a round hole and fill the gaps with fudge. Even in the short term they are making the problems worse.”

One or two passengers have dared to suggest that the PM doesn’t know where she is going. They speculate that the big red Brexit bus is heading over the edge of a cliff. These traitors have been chucked off the bus and their tickets for the gravy train confiscated.

Long delays are forecast for the foreseeable future. Meanwhile Boris has found another map, on which Brexit is located next to Narnia.

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Theresa May to drive passed 1000’s of food banks on the road to Brexit

Motoring enthusiast Theresa May is expecting to drive passed thousands of food banks on the road to Brexit.

LCD Views’ best intentions correspondent went along to brunch at Ms May’s central London crash pad to hear what she expects to learn from the experience.

He sent back this report of the scene.

INT  10 Downing Street   Morning

A grey hared woman wearing a neck chain you could flog a hyena to death with sits at a dining table.

She fiddles with her napkin.

Turns one cloth corner in a tight knot.

Her eyes could be swapped with the glass eyes in an old porcelain doll and it’s likely not many would notice.

It’s a long table. It would be difficult for people sat at either ends to hear each other without shouting.

But there’s only one other person with her. A hack with a smoker’s cough who looks like he hasn’t shaved since new year and is almost certainly drunk.

Reporter

“So Ms May, what are you hoping to see on the road to Brexit?”

Theresa May

“Food banks mostly, I suspect. It’s funny how high roads get dotted with one type of business. Although I won’t be stopping. I work hard enough to put sufficient food on my table.”

A servant enters carrying a silver platter. Her arms tremble. There is so much food on that tray.

The servant trips and almost spills the food. She mutters something in a foreign language.

Theresa May’s head snaps about like a rottweiler smelling a bleeding kitten.

Reporter

“Now that’s what I call a full english breakfast!”

Theresa May

“I will only pick at it. You may take one strip of bacon and a hash brown.”

Theresa May blushes.

Reporter

“What’s the matter?”

Theresa May

“Hash brown is a naughty word. It’s a foreign form of food.”

Reporter

“Oh. The butter is British, isn’t it?”

Theresa May

“I churn it myself. Just by looking at the cream.”

There is silence as the trembling servant places the heavy tray on the table. She withdraws, turns and almost runs for the door.

Reporter

“What are the statistics on the growth of food banks since you took office, and what impact do you expect driving on the road to Brexit to have on the living standards of both the working poor and the unemployed?”

Theresa May

(Those glass eyes are so hot suddenly you could use them to weld)

“Get out.”

Reporter

(stands, stuffing sausages into his pockets)

“You know it’s the road to nowhere you’re driving on? Or maybe the road to hell? Taking a magical misery tour?”

Theresa May twists the corner of that napkin again. Tighter. Tighter.

Theresa May

“After we leave the European Union and I am free to bring in legalisation to snoop on your computer at will I will make it my hobby to hang about in your search history. I’ll find out how British your values are. I’ll find out!”

End scene.

 

 

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People happy for Labour to respect the will of the people reminded the Tories are in power till 2022 then

The Institute for Contentious Argument has issued a press release informing Labour Party members that they need to start backing Theresa May’s government’s austerity policies of creating rich, slum landlords and building a food bank based economy.

We sent a reporter along to find out why, even though he was deeply reluctant to go.

“It’s obvious, isn’t it?” Professor Tanit Lightsearch asked.

Not really. What’s your logic? Austerity is just a con to move money from poor people to rich people. Labour should be fighting it tooth an nail.

“But so is Brexit. A con to move money from poor people to rich, with the added bonus of opening up the possibility of stripping rights away too. It’s pretty fruity stuff.”

Go on.

“Anyway, the logic presented in our release to day is not our logic.”

Whose logic is it then, anyway?

“It’s the logic of any Labour supporter who stands behind their leadership’s Brexit means Brexit stance on Brexit.”

But that’s just respecting the will of the people as delivered via advisory referendum.

That doesn’t mean they can’t challenge austerity and the other appalling human hating crap of May’s bungling, greed is good administration.

“But they’re backing Labour leader’s support of Brexit because the Leave camp got more votes on the 23rd June 2016.”

And?

“May’s government got more votes than Labour on the 8th June 2017. This is really simplistic stuff. But remember, everyone is a populist now.”

Our reporter went to the WC and then came back, having wet their face.

“So by the logic of ‘respecting the will of the people’ to move forward with Brexit, no matter how disastrously it’s being managed, how rushed, or how much of a catastrophe it will be, that they should also be backing austerity.”

Because the Conservative Party got more votes in the general election? But that’s not how democracy works. You keep making the argument, no more so than if you believe the winning side is deeply flawed.

“That’s the logic of the Labour leadership currently backing Brexit, so yes, get behind austerity and help make a success of it, for the few, not the many, just like Brexit.”

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The UK’s future to be decided by rats fighting in a sack

There is reassuring news for the minority of people worried the United Kingdom’s executive has no idea where it’s going with the announcement that the future of the country will be decided over the next few weeks by rats fighting in a sack.

LCD Views has long campaigned for a clear and easily communicable set of policies and we celebrate knowing that at last our call is answered.

We sent our Downing Street insider along to a meeting of the Conservative Party cabinet to learn more.

“We’ve been waiting for someone to throw us out of 10 Downing Street to be honest (for the first time ever),” Ms May, acting prime minister, explained to our man.

“I mean, you won’t find a bigger house of cards than my government. I should know, I put it together after all.”

But it seems the lack of a concerted effort to dispose the May government has forced her to actually make some settled policy decision on Europe and other areas.

“Domestic policy is easy enough. We just decide what is the kindest possible thing to do and we pick the opposite. But Europe, boy, that’s a bigger pickle than most realise. We’ve had to come up with a novel way to fill in that policy hole.”

And it seems they have.

“Right now each and every member of your cabinet is training a rat to fight. Once the training is finished we will put them all in a sack in the middle of the cabinet table and let them fight to determine who’s king rat.

It’s going to be vicious.”

It seems whichever rat emerges ‘king rat’ will get to decide the Brexit policy of May’s government.

“I must admit I’m a little nervous about my own chances,” Ms May said, “I was asked to pick one of two rats to train and I still haven’t decided. But I’m sure it will be alright on the night if I just believe it will be.”

Once the sponsor of ‘king rat’ has set out their policy on the future of the United Kingdom it will be easily communicated to the voting public much like any other readily communicable virus.

May the best rat win.

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Hardworking public servant fuming after airport closure means he misses daily 10,000 air miles target

The closure of London City airport due to the discovery of an unexploded WW2 bomb has left a rising star of the public service fuming after his flight was grounded.

“It’s not like the bloody device is liable to go off before my flight leaves the ground,” Liam Fox fumed,

“I’m going to miss my 10,000 air miles for today because of this over reaction on the part of the Mayor of London.

Why didn’t they get the RAF to handle this? Royal Navy bomb disposal squad? As if they’ll understand the importance of what I do by flying around the world in business class for Britain day in, day out, presenting our offer to asset strip the whole U.K. show after Brexit.”

The device, believed to have been lurking in George V dock since WW2 just to upset a serious businessman like Mr Fox, was discovered yesterday morning after the ground was disturbed to begin the foundations for a new gigantic air freight customs warehouse.

“It would be much easier if they removed the device on WTO terms,” Mr Fox continued, “No one would object to that. Most of the world removes unexploded ordinance that way.”

Mr Fox was given support by other public servants, most notably IDS who was wheeled out of the fridge he’s kept in at the BBC radio4 Today programme studio to comment.

“This is a classic underhand move from people opposed to Brexit who refuse to recognise the overwhelming mandate for change delivered by the British people in 1975,” Irritable Duncan Syndrome burst crackling into life.

He was momentarily turned to quiet mode until he was reprogrammed to respond to the closure of the airport.

“Mr Fox is a cheerleader for the future of Britain,” IDS tried again, “proving decisively that British air miles for British officials paid for by the European Union will make Britain great again.”

Luckily for Mr Fox, both the Guinness Book of Records (air travel section) and the various tyrants he spends his time expressing “shared values” with are willing to wait while he takes a limo over to Gatwick.

There he will catch a special government chartered flight that will circle over England until the Secretary of State for International Trade has achieved his daily 10,000 air miles target.

“This is what the British people can achieve by uniting behind Brexit,” IDS added, as he was wheeled back towards the fridge,

“Did you know Liam Fox had flown business class further than the moon by April 2017?

God only knows how far he has travelled now in business class for no discernible benefit but the eating of canapés in foreign climes.”

We’re currwntly looking behind curtains so Adam Werrity can comment too.

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Boris Johnson giving his big Brexit speech on Valentine’s Day as he’s hoping to screw everyone, again

Great news for lovers of visionaries with the announcement that Boris Johnson MP is giving his big Brexit speech on Valentine’s Day as he’s hoping to screw everyone, again.

It’s believed the government has requisitioned the set of ‘Have I Got News For You’ for the event, as that was when “the people really loved Boris the most”.

We spoke to an aide to Mr Johnson to find out more about the preparations for his new word salad.

”Hand me that hose?” Pris Oner, junior minister, FCO asked,

“I’ve been helping Johnson rewrite his speech again and I’m just covered in it. Would you mind turning around?”

Our reporter duly turned around and the interview was conducted with backs turned.

”Your lot are for it, you know?” Pris said.

How so?

”The Home Office is setting up a Ministry of New Truths. You’ll have to submit headlines for scrutiny before writing. You’ll probably find most come back with some minor alterations in the focus.”

We’ll worry about that in 2019. What’s going to be in Johnson’s big Brexit speech?

”Mostly it will be about how Brexit has actually increased international cooperation. It’s a force for liberal good. It will lead to a new, deeper relationship between Britons and the EU. There won’t be any mention of Nazanin!”

So full of inherent contradictions and an attempt to baffle with bullshit?

”Not at all. Think about it. Regulators are moving to the continent. The agricultural sector has set up outposts in Poland and China. Service indistries are flowing across the channel.”

How is that a good thing?

”That’s the problem with you doom merchants. You lack the ability to see the nuances. This is the United Kingdom deepening its involvement with the whole world, by way of giving them jobs.”

But that’s to our detriment.

”It burnishes our reputation for giving! You need to get behind it! Especially if you need to pack up your desk so it can move to the mainland. Shoulder to the wheel time.”

I don’t think people losing their jobs in a time of uncertainty will see it that way.

”Get a bigger heart. Get a heart like Boris. All valves and chambers full of love and concern.”

Who for?

”Boris mostly. And fit young fillies! Ha! Think of Brexit job losses as aiding international development.

Now, hand me that towel and some cue tips.

I think I’ve got some of his best bits about British liberal values being engorged by telling 27 other countries to sod off stuck in my ears.”

What will you get Boris Johnson for Valentine’s Day?

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‬‪Cake takes lead in latest polls of voting intentions as baking enthusiasts rise in celebration

‪Baking enthusiasts have reason to rise with a smile today with the latest polling of U.K. voting intentions giving a clear lead to Cake.

While a growing force in mainland British politics over the last few years, the last polls by NoGov have taken all the usual pundits by surprise.

”We just did not see it coming,” John Marr-Neil told LCD Views, “admittedly pundits with markedly strong left and right leaning biases have been promoting Cake in all their articles since mid 2016, but still, it’s a doozy.”

Not being able to find our electoral analyst in the office we phoned her up.

”What do you want?” Rosie S snapped down the line.

”It took you an age to answer. If you’ve ducked out to the shops and aren’t bringing me back a flat white chai decaf latte espresso I’m going to be a bit frosty,” the chief quipped.

”It’s my day off. What. Do. You. Want?”

”News cycles do not rest.”

Silence. Just silence. Except for the sound of a woman attempting to stop a toddler eat cake out of an ashtray.

”Rosie? Are you there?”

”I’ve just seen my three year old tear over to a stranger’s table and mix a triple chocolate muffin into an ashtray and try and eat it. It happened because I’m on the phone on my day off.”

That sounded positively strident.

”We just want to know what you think about Cake taking what appears to be an insurmountable lead in the polls?”

”Hardly surprising. Most prominent politicians, bar a few noteworthy exceptions, are pushing cakeism as a viable alternative.

Single market and customs union access after Brexit? Answer Cake.

Maintaining trade and no risk of paramilitary activity in Northern Ireland after Brexit? They can have cake too.

Worried about the loss of over 750 international agreements on Brexit day? Cake. Mate. Have some cake.”

Okay. I think we’re holding this in both hands.

”Don’t drop it. I’m not baking another.” Rosie advises, more coolly.

”How can you hear my thoughts?”

”If you think I’m real sunshine, you better lay off the cake.”

Who will you vote for next time? An overegged sponge or a bag of 200 year old ships biscuits?

Yummy choices indeed. Cake. Have it and eat it today. Or tomorrow. It doesn’t look like going stale in a hurry.