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Patel to release millions of “shark ‘oldfish hybrids” into ENGLISH Channel to deter refugees

TOP SECRET : OPERATION IDIOT has been “green lit” by the Home Secretary in what is predicted to be a boom for the indigenous British goldfish biotechnology industry.

Under the plan millions of goldfish-shark hybrids will be bred at a top secret research facility located inside the basement at Chequers before being given the “taste of human blood”. Once they are fully trained they will be released into the ENGLISH Channel.

It is hoped that news of the new and highly dangerous ornamentals swimming up and down the Channel will deter refugee crossings from France.

“So far having an ageing racist shout at the sea hasn’t worked to stop people fleeing our arms export industry,” a Home Office source told LCD Views.

“The invention of the most crap action figure ever, Dan The Clandestine Channel Threat Commander, also failed. Probably because no one knows where he is. So it’s time to involve the UK’s world leading science sector in the effort to gain the reputation as the most racist European nation going. We can do it if we all pull together as a team and cheer the goldfish-shark hybrids on.”

But critics of the scheme have asked why goldfish were chosen for the breeding programme and not just actual sharks?

“A junior minister has a school friend whose paper cup factory has gone into bankruptcy. Allowing him to reinvent himself a biotech genius will validate transferring millions of taxpayers cash to the Caymans, via his current account. It’s a win win.”

Additionally goldfish are believed to be the Prime Minister’s favourite animal.

“He thinks voters have the memories of goldfish and when he’s done with them he can just flush them away. Like the voters.”

The release of the fish should add to excitement on British beaches next year when they “start washing up with British Brexit turds.”

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We lost one NI, but we gained another, says Boris Johnson

SWINGS AND ROUNDABOUTS: We must pay more NI, the Crime Minister has announced. This is to compensate for losing NI to the naughty wicked EU.

There is no Magic Money Tree, as his predecessor would have claimed. Well there is, and it’s very useful for personal enrichment, but it never seems to work for the common good. So instead low earners must put their filthy hands in their unworthy pockets again, this time to bail out the failures of Brexit.

“NI for NI!” boasted Johnson at a press conference for the favoured few. Rapturous cheers erupted from the surrounding sycophants in the room. Johnson relaxed, as his ego swelled. “You don’t get something for nothing!” he bellowed, sounding like a cross between Margaret Thatcher and a social media troll. “NI must go up to save NI! There is no alternative!”

This was splendid stuff, but unfortunately he had nothing else concrete for his adoring fans.

“Erm, erm, erm, I say, yes, no, oh yes, NI for NI!” he waffled. “At least we have a plan, unlike the negligent Opposition who haven’t put a decent policy in place for eleven, yes my friends, eleven years!”

Funny that. But why must the poorest in society pay for the abject failure of Brexit to maintain the integrity of the United Kingdom?

“Yes, well, no, erm, erm, wiff waff,” Johnson replied convincingly, as the journalists swooned and giggled girlishly. “That’s not right, but even if it is, erm, yes, no, erm, we all benefit, and that’s the issue here.”

And will the people currently hiding untold billions in offshore accounts out of reach of the taxman be asked to contribute at all?

“Don’t be ridiculous!” said Johnson to spontaneous applause. “Only the little people pay taxes! NI! NI! NI!”

Like the Knights Who Say NI, he shambled off in search of a shrubbery.

Wanted: One Prime Minister, currently missing. Please check your fridge.

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Tory MP defends plan to dump sewage onto British beaches – “I only swim in the Med anyway”

THEY MAKE IT ALL UP WHY CAN’T WE : Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab is no stranger to getting his hands dirty at work and at play and today he’s (fictionally) waded into the debate over how much sewage should we discharge onto ourselves? Which is of course another of the foreseen Brexit benefits.

“I don’t see what all the fuss is about?” he said, having not really understood anything for years. “If you don’t like swimming with sewage swim in your swimming pool at home. Or at your club? There’s plenty of choices. You don’t have to swim at Scarborough Beach or any of the other beaches in Cornwall. People should be prouder anyway. Ignoring just how shit everything is and carrying on regardless, while it gets worse, is what will make Boris Johnson’s time in 10 Downing Street a success. Just look at Brexit and the pandemic? Keep clapping. Ignore the filth on your palms and CLAP HARDER. REALLY PUT YOURSELF INTO IT AND LAUGH AS THE SCAT COVERS YOUR CHEEKS. IT’S HOW I GET THROUGH THE WEEK. Sorry. Did I pass out? My heart is beating so fast I think blood must have rushed to my brain cell.”

The choice to defend the plan to cover ourselves in our own scat is believed to be rooted in the truth of Brexit itself. At first it was metaphorical, now it is actual. Just as predicted by anyone who spent thirty seconds on Google in 2016. You didn’t actually have to be an expert, just able to read something that wasn’t obviously shit printed to promote shit to cover you in shit while someone else laughs in the shadows and converts your shit experience into cash.

“Who has time to swim anyway? Me? I’m flat out working out where to go on holiday most of the time. If you’re really upset just follow my example and fly to somewhere cleaner. It’s why I only swim in the Mediterranean when I’m staying on Crete.”

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Discharging sewage into ocean revealed as Priti Patel’s new plan to stop Channel crossings

WELCOME TO HELL : Big hearted Home Secretary Priti Patel is stopping at nothing to ensure everyone knows the United Kingdom is now too toxic to seek refuge in. It is not enough to take policy leads from an ageing fascist standing on a beach shouting at waves, we really need to advertise to the world that Brexit Britain is a hell hole if we want to discourage people from fleeing airdrops of British munitions.

“British poo on British beaches is the perfect next step,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “The Home Secretary herself is said to be planning to lay one in a water treatment plant and have it flushed straight out into the English Channel. There will be a BBC reporter covering the event and following excitedly as Nigel Farage scours the beach to stick a Union Flag in it. It’s going to showcase Brexit Britain to the world like never before.”

Whether or not the plan to ring the UK with floating turds will be successful in convincing the bloody French to keep refugees in bloody France remains to be seen, but it will at least mark a great shift away from the red tape that is throttling economic activity in the health obsessed EU.

“Dan the Clandestine Channel Threat Commander will be standing on the prow of his tug boat and peeing into the Channel too,” the HO source confirms. “We’re stopping at nothing to give Brexit Britain the deserved reputation of a really shit place that no one wants to visit. And importantly, none one can escape from. Unless they’re forrin of course.”

Celebrate today by laying one on the sandy shore of your choice. And watch the British waves carry it just out to sea before bringing it back again the Brexit way.

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“NI rise closes tax loophole which allows poor people to overeat” – Downing Street

PENNY PINCHING PHILANDERER : Aren’t we all happy today to know that the nanny state has cast its stern eye over the children of the nation and decided to get them in shape.

“Any GP will tell you losing weight is not just about exercise, you also have to watch what you eat,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Which is why we’re making the overweight, slovenly, work shy British worker poorer. Less money for food. Less flab. More money for the private sector contracted to provide social care services. It’s a win win. We should be thanked.”

And thanked Downing Street will be for the speed with which it has pivoted from generous state supporting (some of) the people through a bungled response to a pandemic and over to reverse Robin Hood tax rises.

“It’s great,” one lucky voter told LCD Views. “The 10% increase in my NI contributions? That’s fantastic. Being treated like I have see you next Tuesday written on my forehead by Tories? It brings me back a sense of normality. The furlough scheme had me all unbalanced. But robbing me blind? Pushing me into food poverty, even though I work? Boris Johnson doing that says the universe has regained its balance. They should raise VAT while they’re at it. Except on luxury goods.”

Less money for food is also expected to lead to greater productivity for British business.

“People were always bunking off to eat a snack before the NI rise,” one Tory MP who knows fuck all told LCD Views. “Now with less money to spend on food there’ll be less hiding in the toilets to eat a sugary treat.”

As for the wealthy who will be largely unaffected by the proposed tax rises?

“It’s wrong to say they’re laughing all the way to the bank,” the MP added. “It’s all done by wire transfers these days. You can make tens of billions disappear from the public purse at the push of a button.”

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Downing Street : “Pay rises for truckers will trickle down into economy and offset tax rises”

BILLIONAIRES MARKED SAFE : After days of fevered speculation over how the billions that have been wasted on Track & Trace and dodgy PPE will be paid for an anxious public got their answer. The poorest will pay of course. It’s a Tory government, what else did you expect?

The news was greeted in classic style by the forelock tugging populace too. With Mr Johnson reassured he’s sitting pretty no matter how much he puts the boot into the working classes. It’s reported there were even jubilant scenes and spontaneous street parties as the public heard the news their NI contributions were going up.

“There was bunting. People were doing congas and swinging each other around too. It was mental. Everyone is just so happy that in spite of over 150K dead in the pandemic, including health and social care workers, inheritance wealth isn’t going to be affected. It can just keep on accumulating itself feeding off the masses. Hear that! Ha! There goes another cork of English sparkling wine popping! Boris Johnson has kept his promises to his donors. And they say he can’t be trusted?” one reveller told LCD Views.

But in spite of the joy on the pavements there was also some boring factual information about how hiking the tax on the poorest paid by over 10% to pay for the NHS will impact the broader economy.

“It may take some money out of the economy and funnel it into tax havens,” a Treasury spokesman admitted. “But whatever is lost to the Caymans will be more than offset by the increased wealth of truckers trickling down into the general economy. When you consider how we’ve loosened the requirements for Class One licences, I suspect the nurses may feel a short term pinch in their pockets, before boom times on the motorways will see them sitting pretty.”

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Nurses to “cash in claps” by PM to cover NI cash grab

APPALLED : It’s lucky clapping for NHS workers is free. It’s not going to cost hard pressed Tory MPs hardly a penny to cover the National Insurance rise being levied by the PM to pay for social care.

We all remember the heady days of the first lockdown when the Prime Minister led the applause for key workers from the doorstep of 10 Downing Street. He’s famous for not being into gesture politics which made the gesture all the more meaningful. Even more so when you consider the hundreds of health workers and support staff that have perished in the pandemic.

But now it’s crunch time. The pandemic has been wished away and forgotten about. Brexit is done, bar the teeth problems and it’s time for the Prime Minister to reveal his social care plan.

“Most of us just assumed it was the virus,” one backbench Tory MP told LCD Views. “I was a bit gobsmacked to learn it wasn’t just letting the virus rip, but we are actually going to pretend to do something about it. Still, I suppose there are plenty of party donors in the care sector?”

Of course anything worth having is worth paying for and that’s where the UK’s millionaires and billionaires most definitely don’t come in to the social care sector. Except, presumably, to profit off it by funnelling away some of that tasty NI rise.

“Of course the people who are never happy are saying the NI rise is unfair and will impact lower paid people more,” the MP muses. “I don’t see what all the fuss is about? Nurses banked millions of Tory MP claps during the first lockdown. Now they can just withdraw them from the bank to pay the NI rise. No one who is wealthy will be made poorer, and that’s the important point.”

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Downing Street appeals for public help to rename “lockdowns” before October lockdown

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME : Schools back and so is the virus, which never went away anyway, mostly because your Prime Minister just does not care who lives or dies. But the return of school means the return of the strong potential for another lockdown.

“The boss will have to save Christmas,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Even if we have no turkeys, we have no beer, we have no chickens, we have no food at all, we still need to be able to visit each other at Christmas. Boris Johnson will save Christmas. And if that means a lockdown around the October half term than so be it. The only issue is how to sell it to the insane gaggle of sociopaths he’s empowered to get himself into power?”

To attempt to get past that hurdle the PM is going to canvas the public.

“He wants the great British public to choose a new word for lockdowns. Any word will do. This way he can go to the swivel eyed, chauffeur driven lunatics in the Tory parliamentary party and say look, the people have decided! That was a good enough bit of disingenuous bollocks to destroy the fishing and farming industries, it should serve to flatten the autumn curve.”

It’s clear the PM deserves broad and generous praise for his forward planning and willingness to “tackle the tough issues”. Such as how to convince the public it’s alright that hundreds of them are avoidably dying daily because the ERG won’t stand for anything that prevents it.

There are one or two voices of concern though. Some are saying that the way the mass spreading event that is Williamson and schools operates the lockdown will be weeks before the end of October.

But for his part, famous pig fancier David Cameron suggests Johnson should hold a referendum and “Settle the politically doable, avoidable death rate for a generation”.

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Boris Johnson says people can pay for social care with money they’re saving on groceries

EVERY LITTLE BIT HELPS : The United Kingdom’s King Boris Johnson was elected on a promise to Get Brexit Done and solve the social care promise.

The second promise was clearly a load of horse shit tacked onto his campaigning to broaden his offer from just Brexit, which of course no one with half a brain would have done.

“It’s a bit tricky now,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We’ve a man with half a brain trying to solve the social care crisis and fully 3/4’s of that half a brain has previously been devoted to conducted extramarital affairs. I’m not sure he’s up to it.”

The major obstacle is how to make the poor pay more so the money can be funnelled into tax havens, but convince them it’s all fair?

“We are thinking about getting a bus and painting it with a number that out of context looks large. Then we can just drive it around the country. It worked before. Maybe it’ll work now.”

There’s additional confusion due to the ongoing pandemic.

“It’s clear the mismanagement of the pandemic along the lines of eugenics has reduced the social care burden considerably,” the source muses. “However it’s a Johnson strategy so it’s incredibly short term. What it if creates a lot of chronic illness which exacerbated the social care crisis? We’re not smart enough to work this out.”

There’s also the conundrum of how to take everyone’s equity off them, which is stored in home ownership, and give it to wealthy Tories, but still have people believe the housing market is the store of aspiration in the country.

“Why bother spending your entire life in debt up to your eyeballs if you’re just going to have to cash in that asset so your kids can use the liquidity to pay some private firm to wipe your parents bums? Still, maybe we’ll get lucky and no one will notice?”

The most likely way out seems to be to link two crises together.

“People should be grateful really,” the source adds. “They’re saving a lot on groceries now thanks to Brexit emptying the shelves. They should be saving those savings towards their care in old age, while continuing to pay National Insurance. It’s either that or tax the super rich and no sane Tory who likes a steady stream of political donations is going to do that!”

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We won’t be bossed about by unelected bureaucrats, Lord Frost warns Brussels

THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN AND THEIR VOICE MUST BE HEARD: Democracy is all, Lord Frost says. The British refuse to be ordered about by unelected Brussels bureaucrats on principle. Instead, Brussels must listen to unelected London bureaucrats. 

This is simply the way things are, Frost chides. The UK is a meritocracy, where the creme de la creme float naturally to the top. This cream is harvested, and stored in perpetuity in the House of Lords. 

However, Brussels has no such tradition, he states. Nations naturally tend to war with each other, over trifles such as Poland. To run the same system in the EU as in the UK risks elevating a bunch of warmongering contrarians to the highest office. 

The solution is easy, he claims, as Brexiters always do. Brussels must accept and respect British sovereignty. They must acknowledge the UK’s right to leave the EU, based on a corrupt referendum, in which just enough people voted the way they were told to. Brexit is democratic, therefore Brexiters are democrats, and therefore it is irrelevant that our bureaucrats are Lords. The sooner that Brussels accepts that we are right, the sooner we may make progress. 

“It’s a watertight argument,” explains constitutional advisor Connor Lotafolk. “We are reasonable people. The minute Brussels holds democratic elections for every single person who works for the EU, instead of appointing so-called experts, we can start to make progress. Their team must truly represent their people!” 

Lotafolk was puzzled when asked how the unelected Lord Frost truly represents the people. The look on his face resembled that on Dominic Raab’s face when he is confronted with a geography exam. 

“He’s English!” said Lotafolk finally. “He’s English, and an Englishman’s word is his bond. That’s enough for me, and it should be more than enough for Johnny Foreigner!” 

And if that doesn’t have Brussels quaking in their boots, I don’t know what will.