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Gamekeepers to remove horns from unicorns to protect them from poachers

The desperate news comes from a unicorn reserve at a secret location in Brexittania. Greedy poachers, unable to wait any longer for their Dividend, have found the reserve.

LCD Views managed to secure an interview via a massively encrypted live link routed via Moscow.

“The unicorns are endangered,” said gamekeeper Annie Malhunter. “We try to protect them at any cost. It’s the horns which are particularly attractive to poachers, so we remove them as humanely as possible.”

Why are the horns so valuable?

“They are supposed to have magical properties,” replied Malhunter. “They solve paradoxes like how to fund public services properly while abolishing taxation, or creating a frictionless hard border. They are reputed to be able to turn the UK simultaneously into both Little England and Global Britain.”

How do you remove the horns?

“First, you have to catch the unicorn,” said Malhunter. “Which is difficult, since they are secretive to the point of being fictional. Then you chop off the horn with a cold chisel, and slap a ‘My Little Pony’ sticker on their flank.”

And what do you do with the horns?

“I’m not authorised to disclose that,” said Malhunter, pointing to a portrait of Vladimir Putin and a pile of roubles.

Is there any other way to discourage the poachers?

“Of course. We lay a false trail of bullshit,” Malhunter explained. “There’s no end of it around here, which is odd given that this is a unicorn reserve.”

Going undercover, fearlessly, we soon located the reserve due to the stench of manure. We soon found an equally fearless poacher named ‘Guy Kell Mauve’ striding through the bullshit. None of it stuck to him, even though he was wading through great heaps of the stuff at times.

“I’m last man standing!” Mauve boasted. “’Blondie’ fell on his sword, and ‘Fagash’ never leaves the pub these days. Softly, softly, catchee money! I mean, unicorn…”

We left Mauve to just get on with it, as he was, in reality, mired in a labyrinth of contradictions.

Meanwhile a new movement, called Save The Unicorns, has sprung up. It consists entirely of hordes of angry, determined, four-year-old girls.

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Defiant Labour demands “a” No Deal Brexit instead of “the” No Deal Brexit

A defiant Labour Party rocked the government today with its call for “a” No Deal Brexit instead of “the” No Deal Brexit on offer from Downing Street.

”What do we want?” Keir Starmer demanded, white flag in hand, as he rallied the troops outside the locked gates of Downing Street.

”An official opposition party worth the f*cking name!” random passers by responded.

”No. We want “a” No Deal Brexit,” Keir shouted back, waving his flag, “not “the” No Deal Brexit on offer by our colleagues in government.”

Keir was alone in his protest because Jeremy was asleep, Tom was polishing his Facebook account and the rest of the party was either wringing its hands over whether or not to split, or wondering how much more support they could garner by further infighting over anti-semitism, and which MPs they should boot out for various other, unrelated reasons to do with having actually been electable once.

The timing of Labour’s brawl with itself is important, as it provides a classy symmetry with the Tories unending brawl with themselves over how racist they can make the U.K. before the union fractures and leaves some thing called Little England looking like a cyst on the European rump.

When asked by one of the constables on guard at the Downing Street gates what the difference was between “a” No Deal Brexit and “the” No Deal Brexit, Mr Starmer froze for a few seconds.

”I just say what they tell me to say so Seamus doesn’t organise my local party to de-select me.”

But our exhausted political analyst was able to supply some details.

”Sod all. We all still starve slowly and no one likes us internationally anymore, which makes our life really much harder because we’ve thrown away all our leverage and shat on the goodwill of our allies.”

Wow! I know which No Deal I want!

”It’s actually a real puzzle why Labour have offered their version of No Deal now. Especially as the government are now trying to not publish the horrifying details of what no deal means. You’d think if Labour really wanted to take government they would go full in opposition to Brexit, to defend the most vulnerable, and watch the Tories crumble like a vampire exposed to sunlight.”

Why don’t they oppose the Tories at their weakest point?

“You’ll have to answer that for yourself.”

But now that there is a mountain of evidence of the negative to come from Brexit, lies, criminality and external corruption from overseas powers?

“You’ll have to answer that for yourself.”

Come on Labour, we want “the” official opposition party back. You can smash this toxic shitshow in Downing Street by smashing Brexit.

Why are the Labour leadership determined to float downstream with all the corrupt Tory MPs and assist in making Farage’s vision for the U.K. a reality?

Why are they doing it?

”You’ll have to answer that for yourself.”

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French left shaking after DExEU takes the fight to EU bullies with billboard campaign

The French were left shaking today after DExEU took the fight to the EU bully boys across THE ENGLISH CHANNEL with the launch of a forthright billboard campaign.

”We’re raising our battle standard in Paris first,” Dominic Raab, puzzled school boy and total twat, told LCD Views, “although I guess we should have started off in Poland LIKE THE GERMANS ALWAYS DO.”

The innovative billboard campaign is written entirely in Brexit standard English.

”This will make it clear the exceptionalism encapsulated in GLOBAL BRITAIN,” Raab explained, while holding a kitten in a bucket of water, “its also a testament to the tyreless efforts of Steve Baker (somehow also an MP) while he was Davis’ handler at DExEU. He had to leave to put distance between himself and Brexit. He’s that humble. Oh, and he’s got a full diary of meetings with neocon sociopaths for the foreseeable future.”

But remoaning critics of the seamless and imaginative campaign have been quick to slam it for clear and obvious grammatical errors.

”Its so the French can understand what were saying LOUD AND CLEAR,” Raab defended the billboards, before adding, “any unintentional errors are the fault of remainers anyway, because they haven’t gotten behind Brexit and made a success of it.”

Asked why the billboards weren’t written in French Raab explained it was because DExEU hadn’t hired any French speakers because everyone speaks English anyway.

”It’ll show them what they stand to lose if they don’t break and bend their rules to suit us. They won’t be allowed to speak English if they don’t step up and do the work required to give us the cake we are only reasonably and fairly requesting.”

Other billboards are planned for Germany with the messages,

”YOU LOST! GET OVER IT!”

and,

”WE WONT OUT ITS THAT SIMPLE STUPID!”

Asked to respond to the shock and awe campaign, Michel Barnier just shrugged and said, “I believe the billboards speak for themselves.”

Before smirking and adding, “Billboard means billboard.”

The campaign will run until the bloody French get the message that Global Britain means business.

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Brexiter says he knew he was voting for his off licence to be replaced by an APC

A Brexiter taking part in a nationwide survey, conducted only in English counties without functioning train links to anywhere, says he knew he was voting for his off licence to be replaced by an armoured personnel carrier, when he voted for Brexit.

”They call me Brexit Dad round here,” Figel Narage said, “I’m a big supporter of Chris Grayling too. He’s an inspiration. How far can you rise if you’re exceptionally mediocre but have the right friends. Put that on a meme.”

And as to the potential consequences of a No Deal Brexit, twinned with a recession, plus a new complete incompetent in Downing Street, Figel is blithe.

”I knew what I was voting for when I used my OWN PEN to mark my X. I knew my off licence maybe replaced by an APC. If it’s to stuff the frogs and the hun, it’s worth it.”

And Mr Narage is similarly relaxed about disruption to life saving medicines.

”I’m not a diabetic, so what’s to worry about? People will be able to get anything they want on the black market. I read the other day that the Home Office is building hundreds of new coves in Cornwall for that exact purpose. I already buy my smokes on the black market. F*cking asbestos in bog roll, but they’re cheap. People need to stop their whinging and get behind Brexit.”

But what does he have to say to people who disagree with his stance?

”If remoaners keep running the country down on social media we won’t get the exact same benefits as we had as members of the customs union and single market. Which have no benefits anyway, which is why I voted for Brexit.”

As to the potential cost increase at his off licence once it’s replaced by nervous squaddies in an armoured personnel carrier?

”I’ll just bribe them. That’s how global Britain will do it’s business. Why do you think all the main backers are into emerging markets? Rule of law makes my super strength lager more expensive, not less, and I’m not having it anymore. Once we are free of the shackles of Brussels I’ll be able to swap a few porn mags for some powdered eggs. So quit your moaning and imagine the seamless possibilities of scrapping with a student for some lentils. It’s a bold vision and I’m embarrassing. Who needs experts.”

The U.K. might, mostly in disaster recovery? After we begin our No Deal Brexit?

”That sounds like treason talking,” Brexit Dad began to sidle away, “after Brexit, we’re going to make your type famous. Now get behind the illegally secured, narrow win in the advisory referendum of broken and abandoned promises that threatens to strip centuries of rights accumulation away from 99% of the population and crash the economy for the benefit of disaster capitalists and push!”

Push! Mostly with your elbows in the queue at the sandbagged and machine gun mounted off licence, but only after Brexit…it’s what the people voted for when they voted for Brexit.

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Churchill denounced as a traitor for cooperating with Europe

Winston Churchill has long been venerated as being Britain’s Greatest Prime Minister. But now that crown is slipping because he sought European alliances. Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.

Churchill has been slammed by pro-Brexit Conservatives, because he proposed close ties with Europe after World War Two. “How dare he make overtures to the enemy Germans!” thundered David Campbell Bannerman from his modest mansion in 1945. “Fraternising with the enemy is very bad indeed. Even thinking of talking to a German is tantamount to treason!” Uneasy lies.

“Churchill is and was a traitor!” continues Bannerman. “He betrayed his country, himself, and most importantly the Conservative Party!” Churchill left and later rejoined the Conservative Party, just as Bannerman did. No wonder Bannerman is part of Leave Means Leave. Uneasy lies the head that shares a loyalty.

Churchill foresaw and proposed a Council of Europe to maintain peace. “Absolute poppycock!” roars Bannerman. “Who wants peace? The Frogs and Jerries refuse to fight us any more, so we must leave the EU immediately to start a war and show them who’s boss. Pow! Pow! Wham! Smash! Boom, boom, boom, boom! I think that General Campbell Bannerman has a nice ring, don’t you?” Uncaring lies the head that wears a tin hat.

LCD contacted Prime Minister for the next twenty-four hours (probably), Theresa May, for comment. “The PM distances herself from Mr Bannerman’s comments, and from everything else,” said her gobshite Di Semble. “She has weightier matters on her mind than one rogue MEP stirring up trouble and undermining her position, whatever that is. She will try very hard not to let it distract her from avoiding the issues.” Uneasy lies the head that bears a clown.

The matter will be swept under the carpet, along with other trivia like lying MPs, fraudulent referendum campaigns and institutional racism. Uneven lies the carpet that covers a multitude of sins.

The Churchill who wins wars is a hero, and the one who prevents them is a traitor. It’s that uneasy.

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New ‘Three Stooges Brexit’ slammed for not having enough positions for all the stooges caught up in Brexit

The fierce and mighty executive that governs the empire of England has come in for a broadside today with the latest de-evolution of its continuing de-evolving Brexit proposals.

The much anticipated and all new ‘Three Stooges Brexit’ has been immediately slammed for not having enough positions for all the stooges involved in Brexit.

”Only three positions?” a Brexit watcher asked, “no room for Corbyn? He’s as gun-ho for running the U.K. into a lamp post, just like the rest. No room for Hannan, Farage, Banks, Starmer, Patel, Dorries, Chope? Well, the list goes on.”

It’s alleged that pretty much every noteworthy British politician currently shoving the Brexit boulder up the hill side, so they can loose control of it and watch it roll back down all over British democracy, is a stooge for an international clique headed by Putin and his bitch Donald Trump.

”What about Banks? Why isn’t he front and centre? Until he can prove all his impressive wealth wasn’t actually money funnelled from overseas to intentionally corrupt and destroy the rule of law in the U.K., he has to have a main cast role in The Stooges? Surely? And so many others.”

Other critics have targeted the title of the latest Brexit position by Downing Street and said “Useful Idiots” would be more appropriate.

Responding to the fire a spokesman for Downing Street hit back.

”Divide and conquer isn’t working for us in Brexit negotiations,” they explained, “although we’ll keep embarrassing ourselves by trying it,

”But given how famous Brits are for their amazing sense of humour we thought to use our humour as a weapon. If we can get that dour faced Barnier to crack a smile then we’ll definitely get free and open access to the single market without any of the obligations of membership.”

Screening of the British shit show will go on through the summer, no matter how often they stumble over each other, again and again.

”This is Global Britain in action,” the spokesman added, “just in case it’s not already obvious.”

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BBC to celebrate the war efforts of Lord Haw-Haw

The BBC has announced it is to celebrate the war efforts of famous British patriot Lord Haw-Haw in a special series of interruptions to what they now call journalism.

”It’s a high production special,” BBC commissions editor Nigel Farage told LCD Views, “and working hand in glove with start up production company Bannon and Johnson and Gove and Putin and Mercer and Wigmore and Banks and Assange and Patel and Bannerman and Koch and Koch and Le Penn and Grimes and Alan and Dorries and Rees-mogg we are going to make a success of it.”

It’s believed the inspiration for the special comes after the rip roaring success of the production special ‘Rivers of Blood’ by E Powell, which in no way was an irresponsible and ghastly thing to do as the fascists rise again in the Western Hemisphere.

”Lord Haw-Haw has been unfairly maligned by vested interests,” a random Tory MEP explained a day or two from now on Twitter, “I mean, both sides used propaganda during WW2. Why should one actor be deemed a traitor when the others were doing the same?”

Calls for a pardon are expected to follow the series of specials and even the potential of a statue on Westminsrer Green.

”You can see just how fucked the U.K. currently is with both main political leaders committed to the hard right lies and con of Brexit,” the random MEP accidentally added, “and now we have elected MPs campaigning on behalf of a patsy who broke electoral law, well, how far can we sink?”

The BBC has further added that a companion broadcast explaining that Lord Haw-Haw was working with the Nazi’s has been canned because it would risk ruining the new narrative they are helping the government establish.

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Premiership footballers to get performance related pay

As the new football season begins, we recognise the familiar signs, especially the public complaining about the inflated salaries the top players get, disproportionate to any actual talent they might have and serving only to bolster their egos.

We all know how it goes, we’ve heard it before. Well, this year, it’s going to be different. According to the latest press releases, the Premier League are taking action to put the top names in their proper place. An announcement was made by the Premiership Pay Inspector (PPI) Hugh Payham-Wright:

“Everybody moans about the massive salaries that these stars get when they do little to earn it. So we’re taking action. As of this season, all players in the Premier League will receive performance-related pay on a weekly basis.”

When asked how that would work, the PPI replied simply:

“If they win their game that week, they get a full week’s pay. If they draw, they get half pay. If they lose, they get nothing. Same as the league points system really. It will cut the wages budget in half overnight.”

So this means we will be able to track how much a team’s players are getting paid by viewing their position on the league table?

“Exactly. It’ll give them an incentive to really do their best every week rather than just jog around a pitch trying to look glamorous for ninety minutes.”

But what about players who don’t play that week?

“Players who aren’t picked to go on the pitch at all that week get a quarter of their full wage. It’s not fair to penalise them if they didn’t get the chance to do anything, but we can’t reward them either. Equally, players on the substitutes bench will get a third for the same reasons.”

The move has proven popular with the public, less so with the players. Striker Ivan Mimunninow told the assembled press:

“It’s not fair. How do they expect footballers to live a life of luxury if they’re going to dock our pay for the slightest little thing? We’re footballers, we deserve our mansions and flashy cars, we shouldn’t have to do anything to earn them. Not even our jobs.”

This from a striker who has yet to score a goal in a premiership game.

Some members of the Combined Roster of Associated Players are taking action by setting up Gofundme pages, asking the public to contribute tens of thousands to fund their lavish lifestyles, while other C.R.A.P. players are talking about instigating legal action against the Premiership Pay Inspector, believing they were mis-sold on his intentions when the PPI took up his position.

We await the results – and indeed the results of the results – with baited breath.

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Cornwall to build hundreds of new coves in preparation for smugglers post Brexit

Cornwall is set for a construction tidal wave with the announcement that the Home Office is finalising plans to construct hundreds of new prime location coves.

”Just imagine the view,” a spokesman for the department told LCD Views, “and then imagine spending your summer with a pick and a shovel in hand preparing Cornwall for life after Brexit.”

The pitch is a clear play for the lazy students that infest the country doing nothing of much use, while moaning about having over £50K in debt and no freedom of movement.

”If they’re too lazy to pick fruit,” Owen Paterson posted on Twitter, in support of the initiative, “they can at least knock a few rocks about in the southwest. It’s their patriotic duty. You don’t need a burgundy passport to leave your London swat and go to Cornwall. Yet.”

But critics of the plan have leapt on what they see as a flaw in the scheme.

”The plans show the new coves being built inland,” professional smuggler, Mrs Arrrrr, told us, while shouldering a barrel of rum, “It’s not much use to a pirate if you can’t access the cove from a safe anchor in an inlet. They’re just ditches. Someone could come to grief in them.”

LCD Views would like to take this opportunity to chastise the limits on the thinking of so called experts like Mrs Arrrr. If we can’t think outside of the box, we’re not going to make the most of the opportunities presented by Brexit.

”This is a chance to trade with the world,” professional muppet Paterson opined, while sitting in his Chinese car, using his American designed phone and wearing his Australian made sheepskin boots, “mostly the trade will be in insulin, insults, blood products and fresh produce. And whatever else the EU has banned us producing in the U.K. for far too long. I say seize it with both hands and one leg. Arrrr indeed.”

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Steve Bannon to wed Kate Hoey and Nigel Farage in Thames cruise threesome

The taste of Satan in love is set to ooze across the waters of the mighty river Thames with the announcement that Steve Bannon is to wed Kate Hoey and Nigel Farage in a Thames cruise threesome extravaganza.

”For some reason people have gotten it into their heads that Bannon is moving to Europe to both escape Mueller and to start a cohesive far right project designed to destroy civilisation as we know it. You know, finish off what those well tailored chaps started in the 1930’s and 40’s,” an aide to Bannon told us via a ouiji board.

But apparently that’s not true?

”Well, it’s sort of true,” the aide said, “as once this vile threesome gets together it will almost certainly open a portal into a dimension so full of cockwomble fascist idiocy I doubt the Ghostbusters will be able to stop the reign of nightmares, men or women doing the busting.”

Will there be a gift register so fans can throw their excrement at the threesome?

”Oh yes! Anything from WW2, well one side in particular. White bedsheets. Tiki torches. Offshore tax avoidance schemes. Subversion of democratic institutions through mass indoctrination of the non-critical thinking. Oh and if you don’t have a lot to give, just give your conscience and moral compass.”

Any special treats planned for the big ceremony?

”Blood sacrifice and the mass servitude of children,” the aide said, “oh and fish. A hell of a lot of fish.”

What will the fish do?

”They’ll be thrown into the Thames by the bucket full dead. As that’s the way Nigel likes it.”

Will there be TV coverage?

”BBC and Fox News are co-producing the coverage. Because that’s how we roll in the U.K. in the grip of historical amnesia.”

Sounds fantastic!

“And wait until you hear how the three are spending their honeymoon.”

Do tell?

”In David Cameron’s Shepherd’s Hut shed.”

Why there?

”Because he’s the gutless twat that started it. Sadly he can’t be there for ceremony, as he’s now living in Nice.”

Nice.

”No. Nice.”