LCD Views

News is breaking all over the place, and perhaps irreparably today, that a mass order of dummies is heading for Westminster to help pacify MPs.

”The House of Commons is in a right state,” HoC crèche supervisor, Mrs Mollify told LCD Views exclusively, “I do hope the dummies are red, white and blue. The ToryKip and RedKip members will spit them immediately if they aren’t.”

The reason for the emergency bulk order is the release of the fudge Withdrawal Deal stitched up between Ms May and the EU.

”The EU have put up with the tantrums, bullying and lying for a long time. They just want our load of full diaper screeching big toddlers out the door now,” Mrs Mollify said, “and I can hardly blame them. A more entitled bunch of little shits I’ve not had to care for in all my days at the mother of parliaments. It really does make you wonder about the indulgent nature of modern parenting. Bit of strap would see a lot of them right. Although, considering the Tory ones, that’s probably just what they like! It would only encourage them!”

Whether or not the mass of dummies will pacify the MPs is anyone’s guess though.

”It might shut them up for a few minutes at least,” Mrs Mollify observes, “well, at least until they realise getting what you’ve been kicking off for isn’t guaranteed to make you happy when you see what the 27 other kids without a Withdrawal agreement, but with certainty over current and future trading circumstances, and rights for citizens, have. That’s when the foot stamping will really get going.”

Do you have any advice for the Brexit kids on the day they’re getting what they want?

”Be careful what you wish for,” Mrs Mollify advises, “you may just get it and it may not be what you really wanted after all.”

It sounds like the pacifiers aren’t the only load of dummies at Westminster.

The once influential firebrand is the latest irrelevance to try and resurrect a flagging career. Jeremy Corbyn feels that his experience of pre-EC Britain will be vital in the post-Brexit waste.

“This is in no way like a rock star past retirement age undertaking a reunion tour,” said Corbyn’s publicist, Selby Date. “There will be past glories, yes, but a completely fresh and modern set of rehashed facsimiles masquerading as innovation.”

The Invisible Man Tour will see Corbyn phone up any of his old buddies from Socialist Worker days who still have a pulse. “He will visit all the old haunts,” explained Date. “Old mining communities will be told how the ghastly prosperity of the last 40 years is down to the EU’s so-called caring capitalism. Jeremy knows these people. He knows that they much prefer to be miserable and downtrodden.”

Former coal miner Davie Lamp agreed. “The pit was my entire life,” he says. “It was dismal, dangerous work, and even worse when we stopped arguing about pay and conditions to dig for coal.”

Lamp is excited about the Corbyn renaissance. “At last we can get back to being an insular, isolated community with an impenetrable accent,” he declared proudly. “Shops will close early on Wednesday, women will scrub the front step, the nippers will all have rickets by the age of six. We will go on strike and spend our dole money on beer and fags. It’s what made Britain great!”

Corbyn’s return from self-imposed hibernation will mean a triumphant return to the chaos and poverty of the seventies. “That’s the dream,” confirms Date. “And the democratic, elected EU, or EC, or ERG, or whatever the hell it’s called this week, can stuff its reasonable benevolence in its pipe and smoke it, if they haven’t completely banned smoking yet.”

So, former workers rise up and fight for your right to die young and in agony. As Corbyn didn’t sing, you don’t get me, I’m part of the European Union.

No, not that Johnson. The other one. The one who isn’t Boris.

BoJo’s baby brother blatantly bashed Brexit by blasting Theresa May’s latest pathetic “plan”. “I can’t support that load of old bollocks,” he said frankly. “I could quite honestly have belched a better strategy. And no, you may not call me ‘JoJo’!”

This leaves Jo Johnson in a tricky position. He is at odds with his media whore brother, his rent-a-gob sister and celebrity wannabe father. “They are no longer speaking to me,” he comments. “By displaying principles, I have betrayed the family motto ‘Nunquam Vere Dicam’. It’s quite a relief, let me tell you!”

Johnson junior joins the slow but steady trickle of MPs now opposing Brexit. Some, like Johnson, because it is clearly rubbish. Others, because their vision of modern feudalism is evaporating before their eyes.

“His Lordship is appalled at the state of affairs!” grovels Bowen Scrape, spokesflunkey of Jacob Rees-Mogg. “His Brexit Dividend of thousands of tied villeins tithing him fifty percent of everything they produce is collapsing faster than you can say Carillon.”

Conspiracy theories abound connecting lunatic politics in the UK and the USA with Russia. Dirty trickster Oskar Sczeremony claims to know the truth. “I can disclose that Vladimir Putin is not a happy bunny,” he reports. “British pragmatism is destroying his plan much too soon. If things don’t change soon, you will suddenly discover that Jeremy Corbyn makes sexist remarks, and there will be a steady flow of Russians eager to visit Salisbury Cathedral.”

Meanwhile Brexit can continue to limp towards the finish line. It’s classic misdirection. “Four months of looking elsewhere, is that too much to ask?” moans Sczeremony. “After 29 March, who gives a shit? But the Johnson brothers have ruined everything. We’d have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

That’s what they are. A pair of Johnsons.

Comrade Nigel Farage, Russian ambassador to Little England, gave much needed support today to the Downing Street plan to place all British fish in protective custody, on land, to ensure they aren’t stolen by Brussels during the closing stages of Brexit negotiations.

”I wasn’t awarded the award of the Hero of the Russian Federation because I wasn’t deeply concerned about British fish,” Farage told listeners to his breakfast programme, ‘A little dose of fash and cash’ on seriously confused broadcaster LBC today, “and my in-depth knowledge tells me that the traitor Ms May is finally seeing sense about how to protect British fishing and not have the entire industry stolen by the thugs in Brussels when it more properly should be bundled off and sold to the highest overseas bidder under the noses of indepdent operators at home.”

Under plan, said to be the brainchild of Environment Secretary Michael Gove and a hell of a lot of wishful thinking, all British fish will be written to by the Home Office and ordered to immediately present themselves for safekeeping at a British port.

The fish will then be transported to specially built dry land holiday camps, where they will wait out the reminder of Brexit negotiations and the construction of the deep water wall to be built around the British isles once we have successfully reclaimed our waters from the tyrants across the Channel.

”Lock them up!” Nigel “the rouble” Farage exalted his rapt listener, “and then throw away the key! See what Juncker makes of that!”