LCD Views

Countrywide cut price pub chain Wetherspoons has announced the launch of its very own branded “Brexmas Crackers”, in an effort to cheer up the nation, ahead of Christmas.

“We – by which I mean I – felt that there was so much doom and gloom about head of our triumphant re-emergence next March 30th as a truly independent nation, free from the shackles of European slavery that we should do something positive to cheer people up,” grinned fabulously rich Wetherspoons chairman, Jim “Bungle the Bear” Wetherspoon.

The new crackers which combine traditional British Christmas imagery with a topical celebration of Brexit, come in boxes of six retailing for a very reasonable £2.99, and are being manufactured to time honoured British standards somewhere unpronounceable in China.

According to Wetherspoon, the crackers combine the “holy trinity” of “bang”,  “paper hat” and “uplifting motto”,  although he conceded that as with all cheap imported crackers, half the bangs will actually be whimpers.

“But that is quite clearly also a great British tradition,” he added, confirming that however the crackers would not contain the traditional  “pointless plastic toy”

“That would have added an extra 2p a unit and eaten into my Christmas bonus,” explained Wetherspoon, adding that instead, each paper hat has been specially printed with slogans like “I voted Brexit”, “A nation once again” and “Let’s get pissed and make Tim even Richer”.

Even better, he explained, each cracker contains a special inspiring motto by either one of the many former Brexit secretaries, or a leading Brexit campaigner designed to lift the spirits (£3.50 a shot, before 6pm) ahead of Christmas.

“What could be more uplifting than a reminder from Michael Gove that “We hold all the cards”…or an inspirational Russian one liner from Arron Banks such as ” Ты смотришь на меня или пить Коктейль Новичок?” he grinned, admitting that he can’t understand a word of Russian.

“Although I can confirm categorically that it doesn’t mean “yet another scam to screw money out of our dumb punters, I mean it’s not like WE’RE crackers ho ho ho,” he added…

“MERRY BREXMAS EVERYBODY!”

“F*ck business and the tax revenue and jobs that depend on it!” Boris Johnson will bumble and aaa, and err from a loudhailer today as he takes his fight to be the leader of the modern Conservative Party into London’s square mile.

The rousing speech by the Old Etonian will be delivered non-stop for several minutes from the top of an open topped battle bus with “F*ck business!” emblazoned on the side of it and parked outside of Liverpool Street train station.

The choice of location for the protest drew this inquiring tweet from his colleague Nadine Dorries. “Why park on a street in Liverpool if you want to make yourself heard in London?”

And she wasn’t alone in rounding savagely on the cyclops of British politics.

”I’ll be staging a counter protest,” Chris Grayling (MP for Failing-everything-Failing) told us, taking time out from his schedule of watching ‘Thomas the Tank Engine’ shows for research purposes.

”I won’t let Boris have the roads uncontested just when the leadership contest is about to begin,” Grayling explained, while repeatedly stabbing himself in the face with a fork, “there will be competition from hundreds of thousands of stressed out commuters finding alternative ways to get to work after mass train cancellations and my own counter protest, battle bus with ‘Fcuk planes, trains and automobiles!’ written in magic marker on the side.”

But Boris is sure to grab the most attention as he’ll be assisted by his old friend David Davis.

”Davis is back from his unofficial trip to the United States to undermine British government policy in a privateer style and he’ll be riding alongside Boris with some massive breasted woman wearing his old campaign tee shirts, the DD ones, that crack thought up by the LBC shock jock. I just hope it rains! Ha! Hoot! Hoot!”

It looks like the stage is set in central London for a fight for the very soul of everything the Tories have managed to f*ck right up.

Buried in the small print of Theresa May’s 585 page draft Brexit deal is a small detail that nobody in the UK noticed. In addition to tying the UK to EU regulations for the foreseeable future, a sub-clause provided the twist. If approved, the document will provide for prospective MPs to pass an intelligence test.

Laughing Remainers have already dubbed this the “Dorries Test”, in honour of Leave-supporting MP Nadine Dorries. Dorries recently complained that leaving the EU will mean no future representation in the EU, and once asked what the Customs Union was long after voting against it.

“Es ist ein gut choke,” giggled EU spokesman Berndt Bridges. “Ve Chermans, ze famous sense of humour haff. Ho. Ho. Ho.”

“Why did nobody tell me that Brexit means Brexit?” wailed Dorries. “It’s hard enough being a best-selling author of airport novels without having to understand about grown-up stuff like politics.”

LCD Views’ Insomnia correspondent, ‘Sleepless’ Incey Attle, bravely ploughed through the entire 585 pages, surrounded by empty coffee mugs, to confirm the detail.

“It is indeed there,” reported Attle. “The sub-clause is written in complex legalese, so as to deceive the unwary, but the gist is that any parliamentary candidate must pass a detailed intelligence test. Also, once elected, they have a probationary period of six months during which they may be removed from office without notice.”

An appendix reveals some of the sample questions. “Please give your answers in joined-up writing and using full sentences,” the rubric commences. “Do NOT write in crayon. Marks will be deducted for using vacuous slogans instead of reasoned argument.”

The sample questions include:

1. Describe, in your own words, how the Customs Union operates.
2. Explain how membership of a Union gives you a voice, and vice versa.
3. Research the maximum recommended daily consumption of kangaroo anus for an adult female.

As many continental newspapers pointed out, this is the EU’s way of imposing intellectual sanctions on the irresponsible British. Naturally, this has gone unremarked in government circles, since these papers are all written in a foreign language.

Fearless warrior for free speech and the rights of downtrodden white men, Tommy Robinson has announced that he will not be daunted by the refusal of US authorities to grant him a visa.

Having been refused a visa to visit the US on the spurious grounds that he holds a criminal record and that last time he entered the US it was using false documents Robinson has confirmed that instead he plans to join the convoy of migrants heading across Mexico to the Texas border.

“President Trump has repeatedly warned that unless he is given billions to build a wall, there is nothing that will keep them out – so that’s me sorted,” he said, adding that he wasn’t anticipating any problem slipping across the border among thousands of dark skinned Spanish speakers.

“A bit of fake tan, a dash of hasta la vista and there will probably be truckloads of democrat snowflakes waiting to carry me across manyana,” he smirked.

“A spokesman for the caravan of thousands of impoverished central  Americans walking across Mexico pointed out that as the caravan isn’t in any organised but is just an ad hoc collection of people running for their lives from poverty, conflict and famine they don’t actually have any spokespeople, but that anyway he didn’t think anyone would object to a pasty faced English speaking “gringo” joining them.

“Maybe he’ll then realise that we aren’t the evil murdering scum we have been made out to be and will spread the word once we have risked our lives smuggling him across the border,” he said.

“Then again, maybe he’s just another self publicising racist scam artist in a stupid checked suit,” he shrugged.

UKIP MEP Patrick O’Flynn had to abandon a proposed game of five-a-side after only FOUR people turned up to play.

The match was only announced shortly early in the morning, for an 11 o’clock start, which may have some bearing. It all kicked off, or rather failed to, in drizzle at the Downing Street gates. The opposition was ready to join in the fun, with 700,000 volunteers ready to play, but wouldn’t play ball and refused to lend UKIP a ringer.

“In a way, it all went totally according to plan,” said team member Maisie Dribble. “UKIP are all for pulling out of things, which is one reason why there are so few of us.”

Dribble was hopeful that a rematch could be arranged, and called off again, before too long. “We would rather play on our own,” she explained. “Instead of engaging in a union with others, we prefer to play with ourselves.”

The opposition put out a reasoned argument. “Unlike the Kippers, we have a detailed strategy,” claimed team spokesman Onmi Edson. “We attract a broad range of disciplines, but they are very unbalanced in their team selection. The Kippers are all right wingers.”

The game was to celebrate the brand new garment that the Prime Minister for the time being, Theresa May, threw over the rotting carcass of Brexit. With a theatrical flourish, she declared “It’s the Prime Minister’s new clothes, a naked Brexit, or abandon the whole sorry mess.” Amid the cheering, the scowling Kippers decided to celebrate the possibility of a dead beast to pick over with a kickabout. Except with only 80% of a team, and no backstop, the game was as dead as the Brexit dodo.

Frustrated and soggy, the vultures departed to nurse their injured pride, and to do their research by reading Roy of the Rovers.

Meanwhile, the smell of decomposing flesh could no longer be disguised as ‘Boris after a heavy night on the lash and a dodgy kebab’. The whole affair is, at long last, producing quite a stink.

In times of trouble, and in national emergencies, the country traditionally looks to a tried and tested leader of men. Therefore, Sam Allardyce is due to be appointed as interim PM.

Big Sam is expected to bang heads together. His strategy will be no nonsense Northern straight talking, no quarter given, and the return of Wayne Rooney as permanent Captain.

There is an unfriendly match coming up with the United States of Europe. Big Sam must organise his troops quickly. But he has been hampered by the loss of a number of first teamers. Star striker Dominic Raab and midfielder Esther McVey have announced their retirement from international action today. So too permanent subs Suella Braverman and some minister for NI.

There is still an immense amount of preparation before the match. Allardyce will be looking to the front, back and opposition bench for reinforcements and braving out most of the team legging it to a tax haven.

Already Sterling has taken a dive (not for reasons above). The resulting yellow card has ruled him out of action.

Defeat looks inevitable, with no defence to speak of. Allardyce is no longer able to rely on shoehorning Irish players into the team.

Former players griping from the sidelines add to Big Sam’s problems. “Put up or shut up,” he allegedly said, so JRM did, which is why Sam finds himself unexpectedly facing into the abyss once more.

Although Jeremy Hunt has pledged to stay by Sam’s side, which has given about as much comfort as discovering the team’s dentist is Michael Gove.

The match has drawn unprecedented interest from obsessive fans. The game is anticipated to involve the entire team being offside, and many own goals being scored, definitely more than any scored in the opposition net (they’ll take care of that themselves too).

In related news, Wembley has already sold out of popcorn as fans settle in for the long game. More on this story as it illegally tackles the big game of British politics.