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Stubborn EU still too proud to beg UK to come back

TRANSCONTINENTAL SOFA SURFING : As the UK’s latest olive branch to the embittered EU transits its flame stage and turns to ash the real capital of Europe, 10 Downing Street, is once again wondering why it bothers?

”It’s like some endless old song,” a Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, “where the story of a turbulent love affair, which ends in separation, plays again and again. We try, we really do, to help our former partner return to sanity, but it always ends in failure.”

Why failure is not a guessing game. As usual the UK reaches out to an EU in foetal position on the far side of the bed, lightly touching it on the shoulder and asking, “Are U OK hun?”, only to receive a stiffening of the distant body politic across The Channel. And then an unwarranted and unfair character assassination.

”You would have thought after five years of sleeping on their old school friend’s sofa the EU would be ready to admit it was wrong to think it could do better than the UK?” the spokesman adds. “I sometimes wonder if what appears to be European exceptionalism is in fact insecurity? They see us getting fitter and with new clothes, new hair and they think there’s no way we’ll have them back? As if all those decades together tenderly discussing lax financial regulations have been forgotten.”

And so here we are once more. The UK sat at the cafe table with half eaten pastries watching the EU walk out with its shoulders downcast but its nose raised haughtily in denial.

”Sooner or later there will be a change in fortunes,” the spokesman muses. “Sooner or later a new generation of politicians will arrive in Brussels who can see getting back together pools our sovereignty and make us stronger. And we’ll be ready when that day comes.”

But until the EU casts aside its blinkers and accepts the exceptionalism shining across The Channel is worth the sacrifice, the EU’s citizens will have to make do with the paltry offer dished up by its 500m citizens and miss out on enjoying the shared joy of cutting red tape, such as that which used to oversee the UK’s water quality.

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“Like Dubya from Wish”

Plastic. Cheap. Poor quality. Orange. And nothing like you thought you were going to get. Electing a President is like drunkenly ordering random crap off Temu at 3 o’clock in the morning.

All over the US of A, people are recovering from the mother of all hangovers and wondering why they now own a replica Panzer tank with its own built-in gun rack and sushi bar.

Somewhere, far, far away, a powerful Russian dictator is rubbing his hands with glee. “Americans, they will buy any old rubbish!” he chuckles, and orders another online advertising blitz.

He who pays the piper calls the tune, and Trump is merrily dancing to Putin’s dog-whistle. He has already officially banned intellectuals, rainbows, and stone walls.

All this demonstrates is that Putin has a sense of humour. His appointee, described in some quarters as “Like Dubya from Wish”, lacks the common sense or awareness to realise that he is a puppet deployed for comic effect. He puts the constant pain in his arse down to age, not to the hand that controls him.

This gives Putin a problem. He has four long years to maintain this circus, and to ensure that enough of Trump’s remaining sanity remains intact. He sees the danger of Trump actually losing his last remaining marble, and becoming a slobbering object of pity like Joe Biden. Although he has the failsafe of Vice-President JD Vance, whose job is to concentrate on vice.

Luckily Putin doesn’t need to feed words to Trump. He can mangle the English language like nobody else, it’s the best language, it was spoke before time began, as you all know, with the words, the very best words, that words string out like string and it unravels, like I said, and the threads, the very best threads, which I myself made, tied together for all eternity.

Is it possible to return a President and get your money back?

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Trump renames the USA “Trumperica” with executive order

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME : The final President of the USA has issued an executive order overnight renaming the republic Trumperica.

The decision to rechristen the leader of the free world is believed to have been taken after the consumption of “more than the usual diet cokes with too many hamburgers”. It’s believed the Commander in Chief of forced repatriation developed a “meat sweat” and was pushed over the edge by a former exploding battery manufacturer high on prescribed medication.

”It’s how we roll now,” a White House insider told LCD Views, “and before we’re done there will be nothing that isn’t called Trump.”

Democrats in Washington have been tightlipped about the change, preferring to console themselves with the thought they can reverse the change in four years time. Maybe. Rather than break with convention and oppose a republican administration “overly much”.

For their part Mr Trump’s republican lapdogs have sat nicely and issued numerous social media messages which translate as “Woof! Woof!”.

”It’s a Great Leap Forward,” one said off the record. “When I get my turn to be President I can rename the country after myself too. I think it’s what our forefathers would have wanted. Alongside school shootings and the fetishisation of deporting anyone who is the wrong colour.”

It’s not clear how global mapmakers will greet the name change however, with many already struggling to draw anything but a black hole where the former USA is located.

”At least it’s accurate,” one commented, “The country is now a fascist theme park so Trumperica is a good name. I don’t think I could have digested something new like The Democratic Republic of North America and Canada. The blatant hypocrisy would have been a goose step too far.”

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Trump to rename Gulf of Mexico as Gulf of Trump in honour of giant dead zone at its heart

No Man Is An Island Some Are Trash Cans : Incoming insurrectionist, and somehow US President Elect Donald Trump, has spoken of how he intends to leave his mark on the world in his second, and longest, term as President.

”Not many people know this,” he posted on his personal information fistula today, “no one has ever seen a void like it. It’s just the greatest void. We’ve got the numbers here. It’s bigger than the biggest hole ever. And I’m it.”

The Presidential statement was regarding The Gulf of Mexico, which Mr Trump claims was “renamed by a cat to upset me personally.”

Never one to turn the other cheek Donald is determined to set the world to his rights.

”On the first day in office, just after I invade Greenland, Blueland, Redland and the mental asylum they keep Doctor Lectern in, he really needs a pardon, just the greatest doctor. And (mental drift)…after I take possession of the deeds of Pamela, I will be renaming the Gulf of Mexico.”

The renaming will happen at a ceremony at Mar-a-Lago, during which a long line of obscenely wealthy men will drop suitcases full of cash at Mr Trump’s feet, so they can take the money into the afterlife.

”The Gulf of Mexico will be known forever after as The Gulf of Trump because in our hearts we’re the same.”

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Elon to “take care” of nuclear codes for Donald

VERY STABLE GENIUSES : The world is breathing a deep sigh of relief today with the announcement that Donald Trump’s best friend, Elon Musk, is to “take care” of the nuclear codes for him.

There had been speculation that the president elect was perhaps a little more unpredictable than the first time he had hold of the big red button, and he might smash it during a middle of the night tweet storm. But news that the responsibility for ending life on earth will be shared with someone younger, smarter, fitter and more productive has been the balm sought.

“Elon is definitely not a Bond style super villain,” a spokesman for the Kremlin told LCD Views, “and we trust him entirely to coordinate Armageddon with like minded friends.”

Other global capitals also expressed their approval of the arrangement, such as North Korea, Iran and China.

“It will be good to have Mr Trump back in the club,” a North Korean spokesperson told the UN. “We had been worried that we might not get any warning that it was time to go completely crazy and have a mushroom cloud party, but now we feel assured that if the party is happening, we won’t be the last to know.”

Whether or not Mr Trump is aware of the arrangement is yet to be ascertained as he is currently undergoing treatment to have British absentee MP, Nigel Farage, removed from his rectum. Again.

“As soon as the doctors have extricated Mr Farage from Mr Trump’s backside Elon will be in to see him and let him know that he won’t have to take care of the nuclear button all alone,” a GOP representative said, before ducking off to get on their knees and pray for the rapture.

Any concerns that Mr Trump may resist the arrangement were countered with the simple question of, “If not Elon, then who will pay for Mr Trump’s re-election campaign for 2028? If anyone is still alive on Earth. Clearly. That is yet to determined.”

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Senior Tory suggests offering “unwed royal princess” as dowry to Musk

HARD TIMES : As Nigel Farage takes pole position in the conservative political race to supplicate before Elon “Bond Super Villain” Musk, a senior Tory has clearly been thinking outside of the royal box.

”More royal box adjacent than outside,” Mamby Felchmore MP told LCD Views. “If we’re not careful the Fagash Fuhrer will get all the goodies, that by rights belong to the Tories..”

He is right to be concerned.

“We are the traditional party of massive foreign donations by magnanimous and well intentioned foreign billionaires. Look at how many roubles poured into Con coffers before old Vlad got a bit carried away. Not this upstart Nigel and his motley crew. How many peerages are there in the ranks of Reform? How many of them can trace their family wealth back to the sugar and spice trade? None. Bloody poor show. If you want to buy British politics you have to buy Conservative.”

The goodies are substantial, with on paper billionaire, Musk, openly stating his openness to donate a sum of money sufficient to destroy British democracy.

”The tech gods have been working to end the good chap model of government for over a decade. We need to be there helping. It’s not a question of if but when now. I don’t want to be watching some other monkey dance in front of the organ when it could be me.”

But how is Felchmore planning to elbow his way in front of Farage?

”Simple. Old fashioned power politics. We offer Musk a royal princess. Form an alliance in the traditional way. He likes wives. Why not have a British one next time?”

Buy British?

”It’s the best you can buy. Our Royals are still our governors. Not like the pretend monarchies on the Continent. Elon needs to remember, he self-evidently can’t buy class, but he can buy influence in our politics and I’m for sale!”

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“Labour will campaign to rejoin the EU when the next Tory leader does” – Starmer

FOLLOW THE LEADER : You can’t be too careful when weighing up how much avoidable harm to do to your country in the hope of small electoral advantages, and no one knows that better than the current UK Government.

”The UK is the greatest country on earth,” the current UK PM will tell a rapt audience in Brussels later today, and then pause for applause.

”We are also incredibly modest and don’t like to browbeat our neighbours, and I will say it, friends, with the long established truth that we’re simply better than they are. We understand this makes it hard for them to give in to all of our demands. It’s simply embarrassing to be so close to such an exceptional country, but yet so far away. Today, we shall find a way to make it look like you are giving us what we demand. At least, that’s how it will look when we agree to a form of words that signifies better for the focus groups.”

The rigorous adherence to the Brexit policy of the preceding five Conservative prime ministers is anticipated to reassure the EU officials that it’s “steady as she goes” in Blighty.

“We do not negotiate with a hidden trick up our sleeves,” he will add, “even if we do have a Trump card.”

There will be another pause for applause from the captivated audience, before Mr Starmer will get to the central message.

”The easy thing to do would be to extol the obvious benefits of immigration from highly educated countries just a few miles away. To explain that the problems you maybe facing getting a GP appointment, or renting an affordable flat, were caused by incompetence at the highest levels of British leadership, but that would risk alienating one potential Reform voter in Tamworth. And like David Cameron before me, that is a risk I will not take with my party’s fortunes.”

We did ask a Brussels insider for comment, and received it.

”The ninth year of Brexit now?” he said. “You’re still too shy to admit it was a mistake as visible as Dover’s white cliffs? Not so much perfidious Albion these days, as stupidious! [snigger]. We will be here when you grow up. Now, if you don’t mind there’s a war on, and everyone is invited.”

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Starmer pledges to ignore Brexit until it goes away

STRONG AND STABLE GOVERNMENT : UK PM K Starmer has sought to reassure voters today, with many still “harbouring cooling hopes he may bring revolutionary change in our relationship with Europe”.

In particular he is thought to be targeting the substantial cohort of voters who ticked Labour at the last election, under the misguided belief that he wasn’t really a Brexiter. People can change and they sometimes do. Just not always in ways you expect.

“I’m not in office to sow confusion,” he told a gathering of mostly right wing, partisan journalists who would write up whatever they liked later because Leveson 2 is still in the bin. And importantly, there seems currently to be not the slightest inclination to remove Rupert Murdoch as the UK’s head of state, and spiritual father to much of the media he doesn’t own.

“I want to make this absolutely clear. Clarity is very important to government. You can be reassured what I am saying is what I am saying.”

Exactly what he was talking about wasn’t clear however, to anyone paying attention, as it seemed to be a stream of consciousness, comprised of platitudes, seized on by his comms team and interjected hypodermically into his cerebel cortex.

“You can be sure I have the country’s best interests at heart. The United Kingdom is the greatest country on earth. The appearance of being in a coma is just playing dead to fool our enemies.”

But once the oratorial flourish was finished, he did get down to business.

“Many are wondering what my government is for? Answers on a postcard please. In all seriousness. Just because we are still freezing pensioners, raising tuition fees to prop up a failed university funding model, not taking water back into public hands, increasing the cap on bus fares and fuel bills, and stating the same ridiculous Brexit mantras as the catalogue of catastrophic Tory governments that preceded us, doesn’t mean we are not different.”

A credible statement, given there has not yet been a serious attempt to loot the public purse.

But when pressed on Brexit specifically, and why he is keeping red lines that only allow the UK to sink deeper into the “tepid bath of managed decline”, Mr Starmer finally went off script and answered directly.

“I will ignore it. It will get bored and go away.” Before adding, “You are aware that the Sun will eventually supernova and swallow up the Earth and extinguish all life? Not even Brexit will survive that.”

Some say.

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Politicians to be listed as commodities on New York and London stock exchanges

PAY TO PLAY : Great news for citizens of liberal democracies wondering when the hell their governing parties will get to grips with the distorting influence of big money in democracies.

Speaking earlier today a leading think tank, FURS, said it was publishing an outline of the way forward.

”We can all see the corrupting influence of corporate lobbyists in our day to day lives,” Mr Moni Bags told LCD Views, “and especially damaging is the way hardworking voters feel increasingly excluded from the systems of government. The danger of extremist parties, and heads of state, is all too real.”

FURS thinks it’s time something was done to give voters back “democratic equity”.

”To address the shortfall in return for voters we suggest that all politicians, be they in government or opposition, should be accessible by everyone. This is why we are suggesting they are listed as commodities on all major stock exchanges.”

By listing the politicians small investors will be able to “speculate” on leading political lights and “pension funds and cooperatives can potentially purchase an entire seat in Parliament or a House representative.”

The London Stock Exchange is expected to be the first to trial the political commodities as a way to make up for the “slow bleed to death of Brexit”.

”Imagine the possibilities,” the spokesman says, “you don’t like chemical industry lobbyists killing your bees then just buy the relevant MPs. Work as communities to create investor funds and get stuck in.”

FURS and LCD Views would like to reassure people that this is not investment advice and no legal liability is due.

”However, say you see a billionaire attempting to buy one of your MPs in order to create a new feudalism? Well, if you’re smart you’ll get in and buy that MP while they are cheap and wait for the price to rise on the exchange once the serious money gets involved. Cash out before the peak and live easy.”

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Man claims walking down left side of any London Underground steps is “left wing”

WHO IS PAYING THE FAG ASH PIPER : A well known British part-time parliamentarian and fishing industry advocate has taken aim at the “woke London Underground”.

Speaking at noon (Moscow Standard Time) the Member for Nowhere let fire at commuters who he claimed were “staging a fifth columnist, Trokysite, Maduroist takeover of London’s iconic subterranean transport infrastructure”.

The “reddest of red flags” appeared to be “not all, but definitely 48% of commuters following signs” to walk on the left.

”I am not saying Sadiq Khan is quietly staging a communist takeover of our great capital, but it’s fair to ask the question if he is actually subliminally brainwashing Londoners into doing everything on the left. Especially politics. Which is obvious when you look at who keeps winning the mayoral elections.”

City Hall has not yet responded to the accusations, but an internal insider did tell LCD Views, off the record, that “If Mr Farage would like to put his questions from his Clapton constituency we will be glad to answer them.”

On this condition it is unlikely the question and answer session will ever occur.

However the MP for Himself did say he was planning to walk “down the right side of any Underground escalator” if the dark day ever dawned when his man of the people chauffeur was unavailable to drive him to “work”.