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Liz Truss to lead new Rehash Party

LETTUCE PRAY AND BE THANKFUL: The long overdue return of the UK’s Prodigal Daughter has finally happened. The once and future Queen of the Pork Markets will lead the UK out of its darkest hour.

The plethora of new parties is very confusing. Reform, Reclaim, Restore… it’s a short step from Recycle, Rejoin, Rejoice. In this way, the fracturing Right could inadvertently become Socialists Reborn.

But what’s in a name? A discredited ex-Prime Minister by any other party would smell as foul. Rehash is possibly a case of going back to basics with all of Truss’s superbly successful policies. Alternately, it sounds suspiciously like a cover for Zack Polanski to further his agenda of making everyone smoke weed by 2030.

So what are the groundbreaking policies that Norfolk the Queenbreaker is putting forward? There is no mention of vegetable matter in her manifesto, sadly. Neither salad nor illegal substances make an appearance. In fact, there is no manifesto in her manifesto.

“Policy? I invented policy, the best policy, I don’t want to talk about it, but I invented it all on my own, but I won’t mention it, they gave me an award for that, the best award, and I stopped the war in the Falklands and everywhere else, and the FT is up to fifty million points, I did that, nothing to do with Rachel Reeves, not a nice person, a traitor, she should be in jail, I don’t even know how she got the job, the system is corrupt, DRAIN THE SWAMP!” Truss said at a press conference earlier today.

Meanwhile the White House was hunting for Donald Trump’s speech writer, in case the Orange Embarrassment started speaking off the cuff again.

The new party will lead the UK out of its darkest hour into an even darker one. Rehash is rehashing US policies without any guardrails. Come on, Liz! ICE ICE baby!

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Old Man just wants to see “mushroom cloud” before he dies

FEAR AND GROPING : An Old Man has spoken exclusively to LCD Views to share what remains on his “bucket list”, which he is determined to empty, before he dies.

“Not many people know this but I have the biggest bucket list,” he began [Translation service was used to render his speech servicable].

“It’s true. You’ve never seen a bucket list like mine. Sleepy Joe didn’t even have a bucket! Loser! That commie Newscom, I call him NEWSCOMMIE, everyone is now calling him that now. I started it. NEWSCOMMIE. Many people are saying so. Most people have tiny buckets with dumb lists. But my list is the bigliest. NEWSCOMMIE HAS A DIAPER. What do the limeys call them? NAPPY. NEWSNAPPY.”

What is left inside this old man’s bucket is not altogether surprising.

“I WON two elections. MORE ELECTIONS than any President has ever won. Many more than those losers in Drowning Street. CANADA DOESN’T EVEN HAVE ELECTIONS. They let the Queen of Engerland choose their President. How many Presidential elections has Keir “knee bender to ME” Starmer won? NONE. And I didn’t have any help winning mine.”

That’s elections off the list. What else?

“I OVERSAW A PLAGUE. That makes me a KING. Kings always have plagues. I know all the history. You should read the history. THE. BLACK. DEATH. But there’s one thing I am determined to see before I go to HEAVEN. I’M GOING TO HEAVEN. JESUS SAID SO. HE SAID SO MANY TIMES.”

And that one thing is?

“Mushroom clouds. Just the bigliest mushroom clouds. My friend Vladimir says he can help me see them too. All I have to do he says is have KEGSBREATH nuke California. Couldn’t be simpler. Child’s play”

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Clocks Go Back – Reform promises to send time home

As the dying days of October approach, the thoughts of the nation seek comfort in an extra hour in bed this weekend. Except for our friends in the Reform Party. They heard the phrase ‘Clocks Go Back’, and launched into full campaign mode.

It is as if they will latch onto anything to distract from their growing number of failures. Reform do not want us to focus on losing the Caerphilly by-election. They do not want to know that many of their fresh-faced local councillors have no idea how to do local politics. They want us to look away from the increasing number of party members who have been outed as fraudsters or abusers.

In this context, the rallying cry of Clocks Go Back is manna from Heaven.

Disgraced Home Affairs spokesman “Union” Jack Bunting explains.

“Clocks Go Back this weekend, and Reform will make it happen, not like the weak woke wonks in power,” he declared on his social media echo chamber today. “Not on Hour Watch! Illegals must leave here now, and go back to Clockistan, or wherever the hell they come from. It’s Time to get tough. No Second chances. Hour country, Hour rules!”

Hickory dickory dock.

But it didn’t stop there. Many fellow patriots chimed in.

“the clock struck one thats dicustin ill strike you mate”

“Big Ben? Ben Laden more like. GET THEM OUT!”

“We dont want international time we dont want european time we want INGLISH time like what we would of had when BRITIAN was great and was the biggest empire Clocks Go Back”

“Clocks Go Back! CLOCKS! GO! BACK!”

Tick, tock.

Time is running out for Reform, but Nigel Farage, always eager to jump on a Second Hand bandwagon, has pledged to Stop The Clocks for good.

Or, far more likely, to turn them back to 1933.

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Legalne kasyna online w Polsce 2025

Legalne kasyna online w Polsce 2025

Coraz więcej osób szuka zaufanych i legalnych kasyn, w których mogą grać spokojnie, bez ryzyka. Legalne kasyna online gwarantują bezpieczeństwo, przejrzystość zasad oraz zgodność z przepisami prawa. W tym artykule wyjaśniamy, jak rozpoznać legalne kasyno internetowe, jakie są jego cechy i które platformy hazardowe online naprawdę warto sprawdzić w 2025 roku.

Czy kasyna online są legalne w Polsce?

Tak, legalne kasyna online w Polsce działają zgodnie z obowiązującymi przepisami. Zgodnie z ustawą o grach hazardowych, prowadzenie kasyna internetowego na terytorium Polski wymaga uzyskania zezwolenia od Ministerstwa Finansów. Obecnie tylko jedno polskie legalne kasyno internetowe – Total Casino – posiada taką licencję w kraju.
Jednak wielu polskich graczy wybiera również legalne kasyna online działające na podstawie międzynarodowych licencji, takich jak Malta Gaming Authority (MGA), Curacao eGaming czy UK Gambling Commission. Działalność tych operatorów jest zgodna z międzynarodowym prawem i nadzorowana przez renomowane instytucje.

Czym charakteryzuje się legalne kasyno internetowe?

Legalne kasyno internetowe to platforma posiadająca ważną licencję hazardową. Do najważniejszych cech takiego kasyna należą:

  • Licencja wydana przez uznany w państwie organ regulacyjny.
  • Dostępność narzędzi pozwalających na samowykluczenie, ustalanie limitów depozytów, czasu gry i strat.
  • Ochrona graczy poprzez stosowanie zasad odpowiedzialnej gry.
  • Transparentność – przejrzyste regulaminy, zasady wypłat, jasne warunki bonusów.
  • Bezpieczeństwo danych i transakcji dzięki zastosowaniu szyfrowania SSL.
  • Weryfikacja tożsamości gracza zgodna z przepisami AML i KYC.

Każde legalne casino online zapewnia również pełną zgodność z międzynarodowymi standardami branżowymi. Przechodzą regularne audyty przeprowadzane przez niezależne instytucje (np. eCOGRA, iTech Labs), które potwierdzają uczciwość algorytmów RNG.

Jak rozpoznać legalne kasyno online?

Aby mieć pewność, że wybrana platforma to legalne kasyno online, warto zwrócić uwagę na następujące cechy:

  1. Informacja o licencji umieszczona na stronie (najczęściej w stopce). Numer licencji i organ nadzorujący powinny być jawne. W przypadku kasyn działających w Polsce zgodnie z ustawą o grach hazardowych, jedynym legalnym operatorem jest Totalizator Sportowy (kasyno online Total Casino), który działa na mocy licencji Ministra Finansów.
  2. Właściciel i dane kontaktowe – renomowane kasyna nie ukrywają, kto za nimi stoi. Dane kontaktowe, takie jak adres siedziby, adres e-mail do obsługi klienta czy czat na żywo, powinny być łatwo dostępne.
  3. Metody płatności – legalne kasyna oferują szybkie i bezpieczne systemy płatności, takie jak: BLIK, Przelewy24, karty Visa/MasterCard, portfele elektroniczne (Skrill, Neteller), a w niektórych przypadkach także przelewy natychmiastowe lub Apple Pay. Brak znanych metod płatności może być sygnałem ostrzegawczym.
  4. Opinie graczy i recenzje w sieci – warto sprawdzić, co użytkownicy piszą o danym kasynie na forach (np. Trustpilot) czy w niezależnych recenzjach branżowych. Legalne kasyna mają zazwyczaj stabilną reputację i pozytywną historię wypłat.
  5. Odpowiedzialna gra – legalne kasyna współpracują z organizacjami oferującymi pomoc osobom z problemami hazardowymi (np. BeGambleAware, Gambling Therapy).

Wszystkie te elementy charakteryzują legalne kasyna online i pozwalają uniknąć oszustw.

Najnowsze legalne kasyna online w Polsce 2025

Rynek hazardu online rozwija się dynamicznie — każdego roku pojawiają się nowe kasyna, które przyciągają graczy innowacyjnymi bonusami, nowoczesnym designem i mobilnymi funkcjami. Poniżej prezentujemy legalne kasyna dostępne w Polsce, które zadebiutowały lub zyskały popularność w 2025 roku.

XON.bet

  • Licencja: Curacao eGaming
  • Rok założenia: 2024
  • Liczba gier: ponad 3500
  • Metody płatności: Visa, Mastercard, kryptowaluty, e-portfele
  • Bonus powitalny: 550% do 13 750 zł + 550 darmowych spinów

XON.bet wyróżnia się hojnym pakietem powitalnym. Jest w pełni dostosowane do potrzeb polskich graczy – z obsługą płatności w PLN, opcją BLIK i polską wersją językową strony. Gracze mogą liczyć na rozbudowany program lojalnościowy, sklep z bonusami oraz regularne turnieje. Platforma działa na licencji Curacao, oferując bezpieczeństwo, przejrzyste zasady i narzędzia odpowiedzialnej gry.

NV Casino

  • Licencja: Malta Gaming Authority
  • Rok założenia: 2024
  • Liczba gier: 3000+
  • Metody płatności: BLIK, Przelewy24, PaySafeCard
  • Bonus powitalny: do 10 000 zł i 225 darmowych spinów

NV Casino to wyróżnia się cotygodniowymi bonusami VIP oraz cashbackiem sięgającym 10%. Platforma obsługuje płatności w PLN, wspiera BLIK, karty, e-portfele i kilkanaście kryptowalut, oferując pełną wygodę dla polskich graczy. Serwis działa w języku polskim, ma przejrzysty interfejs i jest w pełni zoptymalizowany pod urządzenia mobilne. Kasyno stawia na różnorodność – od automatów po zakłady sportowe – i promuje odpowiedzialną grę z przejrzystymi warunkami bonusów oraz szybką obsługą klienta.

VOX Casino

  • Licencja: Curacao eGaming (numer licencji: 8048/JAZ2023-044)
  • Rok założenia: 2024
  • Liczba gier: 5000+
  • Metody płatności: Mastercard, Paysafecard, Skrill, Neteller, Blik
  • Bonus powitalny: 650% do 10000 zł + 500 DS

W znajdziesz unikalne automaty, takie jak Unique Mythical Quest czy Mystic Dragon’s Treasure. Kasyno oferuje atrakcyjny bonus powitalny podzielony na cztery depozyty. Vox ma system VIP z trzema poziomami, które zapewniają graczom dostęp do ekskluzywnych gier, szybszych wypłat, turniejów i dodatkowych bonusów. Dodatkowo Vox Casino ma w swojej ofercie Koło Fortuny. Z kolei program cashback umożliwia odzyskanie do 10% przegranych środków. Kasyno wspiera szereg metod płatności, w tym popularny w Polsce BLIK i kryptowaluty, a także oferuje różne waluty, w tym PLN, EUR czy BTC.

VulkanSpiele

  • Licencja: Curacao
  • Rok założenia: 2023
  • Liczba gier: ok. 2500
  • Metody płatności: Neteller, Skrill, kryptowaluty
  • Bonus powitalny: 450% do 6000 zł + 225 DS

Gracze VulkanSpiele mogą skorzystać z hojnych bonusów powitalnych rozłożonych na pierwsze trzy depozyty, a także z tygodniowych promocji takich jak cashback i bonusy piątkowe oraz środowe. Kasyno obsługuje popularne metody płatności, w tym BLIK, oraz kryptowaluty.

Bruce Bet

  • Licencja: Curacao
  • Rok założenia: 2023
  • Liczba gier: 4000+
  • Metody płatności: karty, Apple Pay, przelewy ekspresowe
  • Bonus powitalny: 550% do 13750 zł + 550 darmowych spinów

Bruce Bet Casino rozpoczęło swoją działalność w 2023 roku. Kasyno oferuje nowoczesne zabezpieczenia i łatwe w użyciu metody płatności. Bruce Bet przyciąga nowych użytkowników imponującym pakietem powitalnym, który obejmuje 550% bonusu do 13750 zł oraz 550 darmowych spinów. Gracze mogą liczyć na dalsze promocje, które obejmują nie tylko bonusy na depozyty, ale także ekskluzywne oferty dla zarejestrowanych użytkowników.

Zalety grania w polskich legalnych kasynach internetowych

Korzystanie z polskie legalne kasyno internetowe przynosi wiele zalet:

  • Gwarancja wypłaty wygranych
  • Bezpieczne transakcje i ochrona danych
  • Legalność działania potwierdzona licencją
  • Dostępność obsługi klienta w języku polskim
  • Jasne i uczciwe zasady promocji
  • Uczestnictwo w legalnych grach i turniejach
  • Ochrona przed oszustwami i nieuczciwymi praktykami.

FAQ

Czy kasyna w Polsce działają legalnie?

Tak. Kasyna stacjonarne w Polsce działają legalnie na podstawie licencji Ministerstwa Finansów. Są ściśle regulowane przez prawo hazardowe.

Czy kasyna online w Polsce są legalne?

W Polsce jedynym w pełni legalnym kasynem online jest Total Casino. Inne działają na licencjach zagranicznych, ale są formalnie nieautoryzowane przez państwo.

Jakie są dostępne metody płatności w polskich kasynach online?

Najczęściej: BLIK, Przelewy24, karty Visa/Mastercard, Skrill, Neteller, czasem kryptowaluty. Transakcje są szyfrowane i bezpieczne.

Co zrobić w przypadku problemów z wypłatą?

Najpierw skontaktuj się z obsługą klienta kasyna. W przypadku braku rozwiązania — złóż skargę do odpowiedniego regulatora (Ministerstwo Finansów lub np. MGA).

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Starmer launches meme coin £storekeir so everyone forgets speech

FORGET ABOUT IT : The UK’s current PM, widely touted as “equal in ability to Theresa May and David Cameron combined”, Keir Starmer, today launched his own meme coin called £storekeir.

The launch of the make believe coin comes just twenty four hours after the Prime Minister gave a speech on immigration that reportedly has Nigel Farage contacting his lawyers about the feasibility of suing for intellectual property theft.

While some will criticise the meme coin sale as “just jumping on the MAGA bandwagon”, others will point to the fact that Mr Starmer did all he could to validate Donald Trump with a laughably called ‘trade deal’ just last week, so it’s consistency in action.

But not everyone is so enthusiastic. Official Opposition leader…hang on…it’s here somewhere…Kemi…Kemi something? Kemi Badenoch! Has been less than impressed with the release of £storekeir.

“I’m the one who gets attention by saying things I can claim were taken out of context,” Mrs Badenoch told LCD Views. “I’m the one whose entire strategy is to say divisive things that I can claim were misinterpreted while also claiming I wasn’t aware of the historical connotations of whatever bits of them the fake news media choose to focus on. He is parking his tanks on my lawn and that’s where I park my tanks!”

The meme coin itself has underwhelmed investors, failing to live up to expectations while also acting like some old spare change found behind some sofa cushions, leaving people wondering what to do with it now they have it?

“That’s totally on brand,” 10 Downing Street replied, “and fits perfectly with the feelings evoked so far by Mr Starmer’s leadership. It is also a deeply personal reflection of the PM’s own reason for being in office. Just existing because of a right to exist in office, without any actual serious purpose. People should be celebrating the way he’s put his essence into £storekeir rather than being unfairly critical. Next week we’ll be releasing a fragrance!”

But not before a photoshoot featuring Mr. Starmer in combat fatigues popping out of the hatch of a tank, as that’s the “go to” for a PM who’s made a mess of it.

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Keir Starmer clinches coveted 2025 ‘Theresa May Award For Excellence In Government’

AN ISLAND GOVERNED BY LITTLE ENGLANDERS : EXCITING news today for Britain’s current English Minister, Keir Starmer, with the revelation that he has won the 2025 ‘Theresa May Award For Excellence In Government’.

The little heard of MAFEIG’S have been awarded annually since 2019 to a leading UK politician who best embodies Theresa May’s approach to power in 10 Downing Street.

“Some expected the May’s to fall out of favour with the change from Tory to Labour government last July,” our despondent Westminster correspondent reports, “but Starmer has come out of the traps charging and shown that while May’s time in power may have passed, it doesn’t mean her approach to running the country into the ground has to.”

To be in contention for the MAFEIG’S the contender has to actively hold a powerful position within the country and wield that power in an unexpected way.

“A maverick approach to government is what the judges are looking for,” our correspondent continues, “May first displayed her unique style with the Go Home Vans, before she was PM, but her Citizens of Nowhere speech showed us her inner qualities. Yesterday Starmer proved he was paying attention and ready to pick up where she left off. Just because 14 years of austerity, cruelty, racism and competing with Farage to shout at the sea saw the Tories heavily binned, it doesn’t mean Labour will experience the same fate. The Cons were just ahead of their time.”

But it’s not just being mean to those bloody foreigners that is required.

“Historical blindness. Economic incompetence. Double standards. Hypocrisy. Cruelty to vulnerable sections of the electorate. Alienating yourself from your natural supporters. Inability to recognise your advisors are absolutely shit. Feeding into right wing populism. All are vital characteristics needed to win. And did I mention being mean to foreigners? Essential. You’re not going to win back that wavering voter in a town full of boarded up shops and bookmakers by being honest, humane and even handed while also investing in meaningful change.”

While the recipient of the award may have been decided already, the award ceremony itself won’t be held until much later in the year.

“Officially the competition runs until parliament dissolves for Christmas. This means Keir has months yet to make his achievement truly hysterical. We can look forward to a summer of invigorating speeches delivered with all the panache of the award founder herself. Why, we may even see Starmer competing with Farage to cut the ribbon on the first machine gun nest facing into The Channel at Dover. If a Labour government can govern like the Tories, we can only wonder at what is to come.”

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Newly elected Reform councillor expecting baby with flag

HIGHER AND HIGHER (YOUR FLAG KEEPS LIFTING ME) : FANTASTIC news for the people of Fuch-on-Woe today with the announcement that a newly elected Reform county councillor is expecting a baby with the town hall’s Union Flag.

While a baby boom in weird human/flag hybrids is expected with Reform’s commanding performance in the recent local elections, keen eyed observers are amazed at how fast the conception occurred.

“It’s miraculous,” 458 year old Reform supporter, Mr Whiter Thanwhite, enthused, “when I was dug up from my Tudor graveyard and carried down to the local primary to vote last week I was imagining what magic child may be born, but I never expected the shagging to be so fast and hard. There wasn’t even a comet in the sky. It just shows you, if you want to fill the country up with red, white and blue babies, you need to get a proper knucklehead on the case. I mean white, white and white babies clearly. Red, white and blue babies would be a sign of plague creeping across the land and I’ve already died of one once. Never again!”

Who exactly the human parent of the expected child is is being kept a closely guarded secret. But our reporter on the ground in Fuch-on-Woe, D Espair, has a rumour to spread about that.

“I’ve been watching the town hall closely since the results of last week’s ballots were announced and I am pretty sure I can say it’s Dick Phlagshag. He was up on a ladder as quick as you like once erected in Fuch taking down all the but the Union Flag and the Saint George cross. He did linger for a moment or two by the Union Flag and touch its fabric in a way I can only describe as openly sexual. It was no surprise when I returned from grabbing a full ENGLISH breakfast half an hour later to see the Union Flag was also missing. But Dick was erecting that ladder again soon after and re-hanging it. They were both a little red-faced, but not from embarrassment.”

We did ask Reform’s leader Nigel Farage for comment on the event but he was too busy explaining to a fake news reporter that it’s impossible to hold constituency surgeries in Clacton because the internet hasn’t been invented yet.

While it is not yet clear how long a pregnancy of this kind takes to come to term, it is possible to speculate on the name of the infant.

“Saint George Brexit Machine Gun Nests At Dover Labour Will Be Along Any Moment To Fuck A Flag Too Rather Than Govern In A Way That Actually Attracts Voters,” is the likeliest name, suggests D Espair.

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Keir Starmer to undergo “operation” to sound like Nigel Farage

REFORM AWAY : FANTASTIC NEWS for Labour’s millions of wavering voters today with the announcement by Downing Street that PM Keir Starmer is to undergo a supervised medical procedure to alter his voice.

While many find his high pitched, nasal tones reminiscent of former PM contender Ed Miliband, but without the terrifying prospect of investment in public services, some are put off in a “Darwinian” sense.

“It’s about appealing to the base instincts,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “That’s how you win voters over. Not by providing GP services or stopping councils making bin collections optional. Ed never made it because insufficient voters believed he was the man to lead them into a fight with a bear. It was the voice. Oh, and there was a bacon sandwich and Nick Clegg being a bastard no one could trust the moment he was elected in 2010. But mostly it was the voice.”

The transition to a man who sounds like he could fight a bear will be closely supervised by experts.

“Some have told us that this is a waste of public money better spent paying water company bosses bonuses,” the spokesman ads, “but we believe the money that will be placed behind the bar at the Duck ‘n Skive will give Great Britain the leader it sent a clear signal last week it expects.”

The procedure itself is based on traditional English medicine.

“Endless pints of warm ale and millions of Rothmans. That should lower the PM’s voice a few octaves and give it that underlying deep and gruff feel on the ears that says you are safe with me in a bear fight.”

But critics have suggested the voice is not the problem, it’s the man’s inability to understand that simply screaming at the sea about refugees while large corporations continue to suck the life out of Blighty is the real issue. Oh, and being so chickenshit on Brexit it’s like their contending for the gold medal in political chickenshitness.

“That’s nonsense. The organising principle of British politics is xenophobia. It’s not boring stuff like well founded schools, accessible healthcare, battling profiteering, roads that work and not having to sell whatever you’ve accumulated through decades of hard work to ensure you can survive to die in retirement. It’s those bloody foreigners coming over here to wait for 8am and call the GP. Any idiot knows it. And right now Keir is any idiot.”

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BREAKING : Trump renames Niagara Falls to America Falls

TERMINAL VELOCITY : The USA’s GREATEST SERVING PRESIDENT, Donald Trump, has today announced the rechristening of North America’s largest waterfall.

It seems the President was considering lower school geography books looking for new places to build additional Trump towers, when he happened to notice Niagara Falls. Which sounds distinctly foreign.

”For too long foreigners have been naming our GREATEST WATER FEATURES!” the President took to the ironically named Truth Social to declare, “this stops TODAY! SLEEPY JOE BIDEN did NOT STOP NICARAGUANS FROM CROSSING OUR BOREEDERS ILLEGALLY and naming our rivers. I HAVE PUT AN END TO THIS TODAY. Niagara Falls is now called AMERICA FALLS!!!”

But just renaming the iconic water feature is not enough. Mr Trump is determined it will also now only carry “110% AMERCIAN H2O!”

”OUr wonderful Homeland Sexurity officers are hereby instructed to seize all foreign water falling onto the USA with the aim of polluting our rivers. Only American water will be allowed to fall off America Falls! THIS IS FINAL.”

In addition to the “purification” of the water it is understood Mr Trump is using crayons to draw up a plan to stop the water leaving the USA.

”The province of Canada must immediately give BACK TO THE USA all of Lake Erie and stop its toilets POURING maple syrup into OUR GREATEST LAKE.”

Which will tomorrow also be renamed, as Lake America, just so everything is clear.

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Long term sick to retrain as “Money Launderers” to drive UK growth strategy

ONE HAND DIRTYING THE OTHER HAND : Great news today for Great Britain’s great battalions of long term sick with the announcement of yet another grate government initiative to deal with them.

Later today the UK Government is set to announce a raft of changes to the way banks are regulated in the country to revive the golden era of casino banking, but the cherry on top will be a reset of expectations of the country’s unwell.

“It’s not just about the super wealthy doing their part to capitalise on the UK’s isolation and desperation post Brexit. It’s not just about pretending that billions aren’t lost every year in tax dodging, or that tech giants should actually pay to support the populations they harvest data for profit from, or that the one legged, single mother with shingles is the real drain on the country’s coffers. No. Sick people have a job to do too,” Barfby Barfing MP, Undersecretary of State for Being a Bastard, will tell the country’s woke unwell, “and that job is not just keeping the NHS busy.”

It has long been understood that for too long many unwell people have seen being too sick to work as a lifestyle choice.

“That ends today. Petty complaints like, no one will hire me because I’m sick, or I can’t make it through the day without vomiting are going in the bin. Our biggest services sector needs you!”

In particular the initiative appears aimed at capitalising on the new law and order regime being brought in globally by the Trump regime.

“Financial crime is back bigger than ever and we’re not going to miss out on it,” Barfby will declare. “You see these people supposedly too sick to work in our communities. They blame years of neglect of the NHS. A mismanaged pandemic. And other things. But are their clothes clean? Yes. Everyday. It follows logically they know how to launder. So they can get to work in the only sector not dependent on negotiating over fish with the bloody French.”