Posted on

Bringing back National Service does not smack of desperation, claims Tory MP

WHO DARES, WINS: The great plan (which is working, and we must stick to it) now includes National Service. It’s just around the corner we have just turned.

The hardest right-wing headbangers left in the Conservative Party have been sent out in force to bang heads.

“Flagship means flagship!” said Sir Silkie Softhands. “Hard, physical work should put the feckless young firmly in their place once and for all! National Service never did me any harm!”

Sir Silkie, who is approaching retirement age, is far too young to have seen National Service.

“My point exactly!” he blustered. “Kids today have it easy. Not like my generation! They are soft, they are Woke, they are probably lefties too. All of these weaknesses need to be beaten out of them before they may be allowed to join the adult population!”

Under the plan, youngsters will be compelled to undertake compulsory volunteer work. An oxymoron for the ages, to stand beside ‘Brexit is working’ and ‘Conservative’.

The timing of the announcement is interesting. It follows on the heels of a world beating number of political gaffes, each worthy of Boris Johnson at his drunkest, only not so funny. It is as if Conservative central office has run out of imagination as well as any sort of forward thinking.

“If you are saying that the plan smacks of desperation, you couldn’t be more wrong!” insisted Sir Silkie. “We must look backwards to go forwards, we need to build on the successes of our past!”

Like the NHS. The BBC. Comprehensive education. Conferring rights on British citizens.

“No, no, don’t be silly!” said Sir Silkie. “The Empire! The workhouse! Children up chimneys! Feudalism! Unfettered capitalism! The stiff upper lip! The class system! Knowing one’s place! Winston Churchill! Winning wars! England’s Golden Age!”

Next week, expect all of these to appear in the Conservative Party manifesto.

Posted on

PM picks 50 Portillo Moments in parliamentary sweepstake

YOU’VE GOT TO BE IN IT TO WIN IT: The temporary Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, has made one last bold move. One of the subordinate woke backbenchers set up a sweepstake to predict the number of Portillo Moments in the upcoming General Election. Desperate for a win, any win, he has confidently chosen 50 Portillo Moments.

“That’s ridiculous,” said Michael Portillo, resplendent in lurid clashing colours, and clutching his trainspotter’s guide. “There was only one Portillo Moment, mine. My lasting claim to fame! Immortality – my greatest achievement.”

Sunak, who has never heard of Michael Portillo, and has done his best to wreck the national train set Portillo loves so dearly, still commented boldly.

“Portillo? Yes, well I suppose it’s appropriate, since the Party is going down the toilet,” he remarked in an unguarded moment. “What is a Portillo Moment anyway? Soiling oneself in public, is it not? That happens to the best of us!”

Sunak’s breezy optimism may be overstated. As usual. By the time the election rolls around, there may not be as many as 50 Tory MPs prepared to defend their seat remaining. Never mind the grandees. Already the rats are leaving the sinking ship.

Perhaps a better parallel would be the fate of David Mellor, one-time member for shagging dolly birds while wearing a Chelsea shirt. He accepted defeat in the gracious manner one might expect of 30p Lee Anderson, Jonathan Gullis, or Nigel Farage. There will likely be plenty of these.

“I suppose it’s a bit close to the bone,” admitted the organiser of the sweepstake, Kenny Cottonon. “Lots of us will be out of a job come July, so I didn’t expect anyone to actually participate. I’ve only had one entrant so far.”

It seems as if Sunak’s win is guaranteed. Unlike his chances in the General Election.

Posted on

Boris Johnson stocks up on viagra after mishearing PM announce a general election

THEY DON’T LIKE IT UP ‘EM: Priapic prior PM Boris Johnson is on his usual good form. He only hears what he wants to hear, and the word ‘election’ isn’t quite to his taste.

When it comes to a choice of taking the red pill or the blue pill, there is only one choice for Johnson. Who needs reality when you have viagra?

One man who has become rich off the back of Johnson’s urges is pill pusher Willie Hardern. “Yeah, Boris has always been a great customer,” said Hardern, supervising while several pallets of tablets were loaded into an unmarked van. “That’s his latest order on the way now, it’s double his usual monthly prescription. I wonder what’s going on this time?”

Is it the general election?

“Ah, yes, he did say something like that,” said Hardern. “He did say he had to make a principled stand.”

I didn’t think that Johnson had any principles whatsoever.

“That’s not true!” insisted Hardern. “He does have one. The self-serving principle.”

The principal principle.

“Exactly.,” said Hardern  “Now he also said he wanted to run something up the flagpole.”

I wonder what that could have been.

“He ended by shouting ‘I’m backing Britain!’ At least, I think he said ‘backing’.”

Never let it be said that Boris Johnsons is dicking about. He will always stand up for Britain, or at least for himself.

And presumably Carrie will bear the brunt of his patriotism? “Carrie who?” said Johnson’s minder, Tim Tamms. “Oh, the wife? I’d forgotten about her. Boris moved on months ago. I can’t remember who the current one is, but she’s blonde and pretty. As usual. There have been so many. And they all look alike. Oh look, here’s the shipment of viagra. Looks like the girls will be working a double shift this month.”

It’s an almighty cock-up.

Posted on

“The umbrella was accidentally deported to Rwanda” – No 10 explains wet GE launch

OPEN AND SHUT CASE : The UK’s last Conservative Prime Minister, Rishi “The Fish” Sunak, has been forced onto the back foot in his quest to remain the UK’s last Conservative Prime Minister.

“The drama centres around the PM’s seeming inability to understand he doesn’t already live in California,” our Westminster bubble insider reports.

”Mr Sunak has spent several months focused on blue sky thinking, dream palace building his future mansion home in California’s endless fantasy weather. He has so fully envisioned his next big step that when he stepped outside into the drenched UK faux spring he was mentally thousands of miles away.”

But when our reporter attempted to force his sources to explain why no one intervened to assist the drowning man, he was threatened with deportation to Rwanda.

”That’s a pretty idle threat, if I’m honest,” he tells us, “so I’m not worried. I will be happy to volunteer to go and come back like that other fellow. Although it does give some credence to rumours swirling around the Westminster plughole this morning. Speculation that could explain Sunak’s damp squib.”

All the umbrellas were deported to Rwanda?

”That’s correct. It was done to keep the overflowing suitcases of cash we’ve sent to Kigali for a few cheap dog whistling headlines in the fascist press dry in transit.”

Posted on

Tories panicking because they only have 42 days left to loot the country

LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND EVERYTHING are all on the shopping list. The looting window is closing, rapidly. There are only 42 looting days left until the long summer holiday. And this is a summer holiday that could last forever.

The mood in Westminster is feverish. The pigs with their snouts in the trough are running around like headless chickens. They are scared that they will have to get off the gravy train and onto Southern Rail, on the off-chance that a real train will arrive.

The gloves are off. The masks have slipped. “This is no time for subterfuge and playing the long game,” said Tory MP Max Swindells. “I have only 42 days to put my latest scam – I mean, policy – into action. No time to placate the PM or even the Daily Mail. It must be done NOW! While there’s still time.”

And what is this great scam – I mean, policy?

“Railway stations,” said Swindells. “Look at the platforms. All that space which could be monetised. Commuters will pay for their own space on their own platform, the better the spot, the more they pay. A space on the edge by the doors for coach 1 will cost more than that odd corner between the fire buckets and the toilets. I’ll forge the King’s signature and everything. No time, must dash.”

And Swindells was gone.

Similar schemes were everywhere. Plans to charge individuals for breathing. Taxes on using the lavatory to pay for cleaning up the sewage and bigger water company dividends. A plan to legalise drugs so that drug dealers can be taxed to the limit, albeit with a lifetime’s free supply for Michael Gove.

And while his minions squabble over the remains of the Exchequer, PM-for-now Rishi Sunak is booking a very long holiday, beginning on July 5th.

So long, and thanks for all the Great British fish.

Posted on

We want the brightest and best to come here, says woman banning the brightest and best

WHY DON’T THEY UNDERSTAND THAT WE JUST WANT TO LEAVE? A woman well known for her ability to hold down a position of responsibility has opened her mouth again. She has been sacked, twice, by one of the most irresponsible governments in history. This merely displays her high calibre in the looking-glass world that is Brexit Britain.

Leave means leave, and Brexit means it’s OK to be horrible to foreigners, dogs, and the poor. If nothing else, it is being able to cut off your nose to spite your face, then go on to political chat shows to complain when anybody points this out.

“Black is white, up is down, the Emperor is wearing the finest garments, and anyone who says otherwise is a woke lefty!” exclaimed the woman to anyone who would listen. Unfortunately, this means her drivel is presented as fact on every front page in the land.

Education is her woke hobby horse of the moment. “We will always want to attract the brightest and best to come from abroad to give are cuntry a leg-up,” she said. Alleged journalists nodded sagely and failed to question her assertion. This was great stuff, front page news. Who says that Brexiters hate foreigners?

“But we must stop them coming into are universities,” she continued. Her fan club failed to notice anything wrong with this.

The woman, clearly flustered by the adoring silence, gave herself a prompt.

“Why do we do this?” she asked. “I’m glad you asked,” she answered. “We need to free up space for British people. British people who beg for huge loans which will make us richer. I mean, help the economy grow. Why should we waste are precious resources educating foreigners?”

Quite so.

“So the brightest and best will not come here to work on their brightness or bestness,” she concluded. “That’s what the inferior foreign universities are for!”

The Emperor is naked, old, flabby, and wrinkled, but only the woke lefties realise it.

Posted on

Badenoch tears up EU red tape preventing sale of snake oil

YOU PAYS YOUR MONEY AND YOU TAKES YOUR CHANCES : The UK’s trailblazing Business Secretary has today announced she’s not content to let the ever expanding field of NHS waiting lists go untilled.

”Just think,” she said, in what critics said was more evidence of her shouting at people to do what she says, but not what she herself does, “if we hadn’t have left the EU you could neither dine outside on the pavement in our car centred towns and cities, and you’d have to wait to see an actual doctor. Well, who’s laughing now?”

Take that Brussels!

”As part of our ever growing list of freedoms, now that we’re free of EU red tape, you can not only enjoy greater fun examining your tap water under a microscope, you can now enjoy a plethora of hitherto outlawed options to treat yourself. In. The. COMFORT. Of. Your. Own. home.”

The Secretary went on to explain that outdated rules prohibiting the sale of snake oil are to be torn up.

”I admit this may fuel some health tourism to the UK,” she admitted, “as eager foreigners rush to take advantage of a simple bottled remedy to treat even the most complex of ailments.”

The EU itself has so far refused to publicly comment on the sale of snake oil within the UK’s borders, although both Gibraltar and Northern Ireland won’t be enjoying the sunlit uplands of health care diversity.

However a source in Brussels did speak to us off the record, saying “Snake Oil? That’s Brexit for you.” We are attempting to have the comment translated in order to understand what the hell he means.

Posted on

Rishi Sunak ridiculed after he identifies as a Prime Minister

I AM WHAT I AM: And there’s nothing anybody can do about it. It appears that the naggingly persistent news botherer Rishi Sunak has finally gone full Woke.

The acceptable face of the culture war has succumbed to pressure. He has come out of the closet at Number Ten and bowed to the inevitable.

“Friends, Rupert, countryside,” he said in his best speaking-in-front-of-the-class voice. “I have decided that the best thing for me is to come clean. From now on, I want to identify as a leading politician. No, in fact, I want to identify as the Prime Minister!”

Psychiatrist Edd Phukk was handily on hand to analyse this amazing disclosure. “I think Mr Sunak is suffering from PMS,” he said. “Prime Minister Syndrome. It used to be called SMS, Small Man Syndrome, but that got mixed up with text messaging. That’s a whole different sort of identification.”

The good doctor continued: “Good old SMS, when combined with a Napoleon complex, quickly becomes PMS. Frankly, it’s about the ego taking over. The highest echelons of English society are riddled with it.”

It remains to be seen if Sunak’s fresh identity is robust enough to deal with the UK’s problems. However, the rampant corruption that is baked into the system is unlikely to crumble in the face of one man’s self identity.

Sunak isn’t the first person to identify as a PM. After all, his four most recent predecessors were the same. For three of them, even the epitome of self identification, Boris Johnson, the fit passed. Theresa May is actually thinking of crossing the floor and identifying as a serious politician. Unfortunately, the insufferable Liz Truss is still suffering from PMS and wants to return to haunt the country once more.

The final word must go to a child who identifies as a hologram, simply to wind up his Headmistress. “What a Smeg head!” he concluded.

Posted on

Unhappy water customers free to choose “alternative supplier”

FREE MARKET RULZ : There’s a god sized finger in the eye today for the bureaucracy loving, Marxist, woke antifarati as English customers take advantage of the watery, free liberal trading environment they enjoy.

”Europeans can only watch and weep,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, in a shock break from expectations by addressing the tsunami of news regarding the UK’s fully privatised water supply.

”Water is just like any other commodity,” they gushed, “if you don’t like the product you take the penny you have to spend elsewhere.”

The spokesman went on to reference the recent unfortunate experience of our very own Prime Minister.

”Take Mr Sunak.”

Please do.

”Adidas made him look a little foolish recently. Those white trainers just didn’t cut it with short cropped suit pants. Any idiot can tell you that you can’t buy class. Nice try Adidas. Complete travesty. Total ambush. Germans out to get revenge for Brexit. Obvious. The PM won’t be sending them another penny!”

And the advice for water utility customers who may be feeling there’s just too many parasites in their tap water these days, is to do exactly the same.

”Just like the railways, if you don’t like the service you are free to choose a different service provider. Take that Southern! I won’t be using you to get to Victoria Station today. I’m going on the Penine Express!”

Suggestions that water should not be in private hands, profit focused, irresponsible and liable to take the money and run when it all turns to slurry are just “Commies trying to undermine forty years of progress.”

Posted on

“New Brexit freedoms mean Brits can now eat pavement,” says Business Secretary

MODERN BRITISH CUISINE : Awe inspiring news this morning to warm the cockles of the fearless race that tirelessly inhabits the sodden lump of turf off the coast of France.

While the Gauls languish in the prison of their staid and unchanging cuisine, as if sentenced by a just food deity, the Brits are doing something else entirely.

”While the Iberians sleep through the dank days on the peninsula bemoaning their fate, as if they could turn back time and be conquered by a British armada, we here in Blighty are now free of EU red tape that prevented us from enjoying the full range of forageable produce our blessed island enjoys,” Business Secretary and grade one idiot Bad Enoch informed the country.

When pressed to list the expanded range of consumables ONLY ENJOYED BY SOVEREIGN BRITS she said, “Concrete. Especially pavements. You can also now fish in potholes.”

It’s not yet clear how the listless Italians on their boot will take the news, trapped as they are in their homes doomed for eternity to eat only flour mixed with water.

”We can only hope they learn from our example,” Bad Enoch shrugged. The only thing she’s ever been right about.

Bon apetit.