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“I was happiest when Cameron was PM” – Starmer explains why he’s reliving 2010

170 SEAT MAJORITY IS WOKE : The latest lost soul to wander the haunted halls of 10 Downing Street, K. Starmer, has spoken exclusively to LCD Views via a ouija board to mull over his feelings since winning the 2024 GE.

When we offered to interview the Prime Minister we expected an invitation to an informal coffee session in the famous old townhouse, or perhaps a quick fire meeting after a PR stunt in a factory somewhere. The suggestion we interview him via a mystical board usually used to communicate with the dead took us by surprise.

Naturally our first question was, “Prime Minister, are you in the room with us now?”

There was a delay of several seconds, but then the hand of our lead political reporter, which was holding the board’s pointer, began to move with slow, but steady, determination.

The answer was “Yes.”

The lights flickered at that moment and our ageing MacBook went into a spinning rainbow wheel, but that’s more to do with our bottom end office rental and lack of IT budget.

Onto Question Two.

”Why have you chosen to be interviewed via an arcane device and not face to face. You are still alive, and we hope will be for years to come.”

The answer spoke of Mr Starmer’s vision for his time in office, as revealed by his actions so far.

”Because politically I’m dying slowly. It’s beginning to feel surreal. I have a 170 seat majority and I’m not able to do anything but drift about like continuity Sunak. But I am happy. I want to reassure you that I’m living my best life. If not politically.”

Question Three. “That is what our readers would most like to understand Prime Minister. Many thought it was just a strategy to appear to be Tories to win the election. They didn’t expect you to continue with so many proven failures, in policy terms, once in power. Quite the reverse, actually. It’s hard to see Labour retaining power at the next general election, if you forecast from the last six months of comatose government.”

The answer to this did show he was capable of laughing still. “How to you make a shrug emoji with a ouija board?”

”Get AI to redesign it?”

We were all smiles.

”But seriously Mr Starmer. It feels like we’re reliving the early years of Cameron and Osborne. And they were appalling. How do you answer that criticism?”

His answer made sense.

”Titan. I can call you by your first name, can’t I?”

Shrug emoji.

”2010 to 2015 were the best years of my life. I’d reached the pinnacle of my legal career. I was looking forward to entering politics and making a real change. David Cameron was PM then. He’ll forever be in my heart as a result. So I’m doing my best to be a tribute act to the Tories of those years.”

Last question. “But what of the change you wanted to make?”

”Can’t you see I’ve already done it. I’ve turned a powerful Labour majority into a Tory one. Something no one has ever managed before.”

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Starmer throws milkshake over himself to win back Farage supporters

FOR WHOM THE MILK THROWS : Great news today for Labour supporters worried about the creeping electoral death they fear is posed by Nigel Farage’s limited company, Reform. It seems Downing Street isn’t sitting back and just wishing old one nut Nigel will go away to the USA and never return.

“We take the threat posed by Nigel Farage incredibly seriously,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s why we also make not betraying Brexit, regardless of the massive harm it’s doing to the country, and shouting at the sea, in spite of our founding principles, our key priorities in the endless campaigning.”

But just doing what Nigel does isn’t enough for the Prime Minister.

“Look. We are continuing to let private business bite into the NHS. We’re scaling back our green ambitions and focusing on gimmicks like carbon capture and nuclear power, to keep the mining sector happy. We dare not criticise Trump, regardless of the palpable threat he poses to the Western liberal order. We’ve even started using Reform colours on our campaign literature. But we’re not stopping there. The Tories failed because they weren’t enough like Farage. We’ve taken a lesson from that and will try even harder than the Cons.”

It seems the PM is also looking back over his shoulder at the Liberal Democrats and taking a lesson from Ed Davey.

“Davey smashed it last election with a wide and delightful array of silly stunts to get public attention. And it worked. Well Mr Starmer is up to that task too when it comes to battling Farage.”

And it seems the Great British public will sit up and take note. And it won’t be some woke nonsense like the PM agreeing to let British youth easily go to Europe.

“Tomorrow Mr Starmer will stand in Trafalgar Square and positively bathe himself in McDonald’s milkshakes. This shows he’s prepared to go even further than Farage to keep voters happy. As we all know Nigel had someone else do his dirty work.”

And the flavour?

“Well, it’s got to be brown liquid, or we wouldn’t be doing our efforts to keep power by cosying up the shittiest people in British politics any justice.”

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“Woke” Declaration of Independence fixed by Trump – “All men are not created equal”

WHAT WEIGHS MORE THAN A FEATHER : Great news for the huddled and confused masses this morning with the announcement that President of the United States, Donald Trump, has fixed the Declaration of Indepedence.

The document, which famously heralded the birth of the so called greatest country the world has ever seen, has long been a thorn in the side of radical thinkers, as it contains some glaring inaccuracies. Working late into the night President Trump has corrected the text.

“At approximately the time last night when Mr Trump’s handlers usually take him out to the lawn for a final wee, Mr Trump suddenly rushed back inside to the Oval Office barking excitedly,” our White House correspondent reports. “He was pursued but not in time to stop him grabbing a copy of the Declaration of Independence and shaking it madly with his teeth.”

Being a mad dog Mr Trump can’t be expected to physically write, or read, himself, but those close to him are adept at understanding what he is communicating.

“The Declaration of Independence was woke and written by losers. As such it is not fit for the new more democratic United States of America.”

Of particular concern was one of the opening phrases which declared the glaringly anti-American assertion that, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.“

It doesn’t take much to see why Mr Trump and his team had a problem with that load of commie, DEI nonsense. The revised text will make the USA’s direction of travel under Mr Trump crystal clear.

“The White House will be releasing the revised text of the document, made legal by an executive order, just as soon as Mr Trump has finished humping the leg of one of his handlers.”

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President Trump’s third term will see him mature in office

TO INSANITY AND BEYOND : There are reassuring words today to comfort the huddled masses, with wise commentators confidentially exposing the maturing affect of governance on individuals who at first glance appear unsuited to high office.

“You just try and tell me that strong men with vision don’t mature in office?” a leading political commentator, writing for an outlet owned by an offshored billionaire, asked.

“When you look at the trajectory of Gaddafi, the Assads, Putin, Xi, George III, The Emperor from Stars Wars and so many others. The longer they spend in authority the more confidence they build in their own decision making. We can only imagine the highways Hitler would have constructed across Continental Europe if he hadn’t been robbed of the chance to build by a politically motivated witch hunt. Mr Trump knows his history and can build on those legacies.”

The reassurance is timely, given that it fits neatly with similar words written before Trump’s first, and current tenure in The Oval Office.

“To not allow President Trump a third term, consecutive with his current one, would be to risk undoing the work he is currently engaged in. And where would we be then?”

While there has been some speculation that Mr Trump will secure victory in the next US presidential election before it’s held, this is the first time we have confirmation of the planning.

“It’s very good for the markets,” the commentator added, “what investors want is long term stability. We can see Trump providing this today with Gaza. You know it’s a good bet now to invest in property development companies, as well as private security firms. And don’t get me started on the tech surveillance sector. It’s a gold rush. We’ll have next year’s Superbowel emblazoned with messaging of how great it is to have your own staff once more, that don’t need to be paid. We’re Making America Great Again one minority at a time.”

The only question now is where Mr Trump will set his real estate goals once Gaza-a-Lago is constructed.

“Mars. Anything to keep his bro Elon happy. And by the time we get to 2028 he’ll be ready to send Musk and his horse tranquillisers as far away as possible.”

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Stubborn EU still too proud to beg UK to come back

TRANSCONTINENTAL SOFA SURFING : As the UK’s latest olive branch to the embittered EU transits its flame stage and turns to ash the real capital of Europe, 10 Downing Street, is once again wondering why it bothers?

”It’s like some endless old song,” a Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, “where the story of a turbulent love affair, which ends in separation, plays again and again. We try, we really do, to help our former partner return to sanity, but it always ends in failure.”

Why failure is not a guessing game. As usual the UK reaches out to an EU in foetal position on the far side of the bed, lightly touching it on the shoulder and asking, “Are U OK hun?”, only to receive a stiffening of the distant body politic across The Channel. And then an unwarranted and unfair character assassination.

”You would have thought after five years of sleeping on their old school friend’s sofa the EU would be ready to admit it was wrong to think it could do better than the UK?” the spokesman adds. “I sometimes wonder if what appears to be European exceptionalism is in fact insecurity? They see us getting fitter and with new clothes, new hair and they think there’s no way we’ll have them back? As if all those decades together tenderly discussing lax financial regulations have been forgotten.”

And so here we are once more. The UK sat at the cafe table with half eaten pastries watching the EU walk out with its shoulders downcast but its nose raised haughtily in denial.

”Sooner or later there will be a change in fortunes,” the spokesman muses. “Sooner or later a new generation of politicians will arrive in Brussels who can see getting back together pools our sovereignty and make us stronger. And we’ll be ready when that day comes.”

But until the EU casts aside its blinkers and accepts the exceptionalism shining across The Channel is worth the sacrifice, the EU’s citizens will have to make do with the paltry offer dished up by its 500m citizens and miss out on enjoying the shared joy of cutting red tape, such as that which used to oversee the UK’s water quality.

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“Like Dubya from Wish”

Plastic. Cheap. Poor quality. Orange. And nothing like you thought you were going to get. Electing a President is like drunkenly ordering random crap off Temu at 3 o’clock in the morning.

All over the US of A, people are recovering from the mother of all hangovers and wondering why they now own a replica Panzer tank with its own built-in gun rack and sushi bar.

Somewhere, far, far away, a powerful Russian dictator is rubbing his hands with glee. “Americans, they will buy any old rubbish!” he chuckles, and orders another online advertising blitz.

He who pays the piper calls the tune, and Trump is merrily dancing to Putin’s dog-whistle. He has already officially banned intellectuals, rainbows, and stone walls.

All this demonstrates is that Putin has a sense of humour. His appointee, described in some quarters as “Like Dubya from Wish”, lacks the common sense or awareness to realise that he is a puppet deployed for comic effect. He puts the constant pain in his arse down to age, not to the hand that controls him.

This gives Putin a problem. He has four long years to maintain this circus, and to ensure that enough of Trump’s remaining sanity remains intact. He sees the danger of Trump actually losing his last remaining marble, and becoming a slobbering object of pity like Joe Biden. Although he has the failsafe of Vice-President JD Vance, whose job is to concentrate on vice.

Luckily Putin doesn’t need to feed words to Trump. He can mangle the English language like nobody else, it’s the best language, it was spoke before time began, as you all know, with the words, the very best words, that words string out like string and it unravels, like I said, and the threads, the very best threads, which I myself made, tied together for all eternity.

Is it possible to return a President and get your money back?

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Trump renames the USA “Trumperica” with executive order

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME : The final President of the USA has issued an executive order overnight renaming the republic Trumperica.

The decision to rechristen the leader of the free world is believed to have been taken after the consumption of “more than the usual diet cokes with too many hamburgers”. It’s believed the Commander in Chief of forced repatriation developed a “meat sweat” and was pushed over the edge by a former exploding battery manufacturer high on prescribed medication.

”It’s how we roll now,” a White House insider told LCD Views, “and before we’re done there will be nothing that isn’t called Trump.”

Democrats in Washington have been tightlipped about the change, preferring to console themselves with the thought they can reverse the change in four years time. Maybe. Rather than break with convention and oppose a republican administration “overly much”.

For their part Mr Trump’s republican lapdogs have sat nicely and issued numerous social media messages which translate as “Woof! Woof!”.

”It’s a Great Leap Forward,” one said off the record. “When I get my turn to be President I can rename the country after myself too. I think it’s what our forefathers would have wanted. Alongside school shootings and the fetishisation of deporting anyone who is the wrong colour.”

It’s not clear how global mapmakers will greet the name change however, with many already struggling to draw anything but a black hole where the former USA is located.

”At least it’s accurate,” one commented, “The country is now a fascist theme park so Trumperica is a good name. I don’t think I could have digested something new like The Democratic Republic of North America and Canada. The blatant hypocrisy would have been a goose step too far.”

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Trump to rename Gulf of Mexico as Gulf of Trump in honour of giant dead zone at its heart

No Man Is An Island Some Are Trash Cans : Incoming insurrectionist, and somehow US President Elect Donald Trump, has spoken of how he intends to leave his mark on the world in his second, and longest, term as President.

”Not many people know this,” he posted on his personal information fistula today, “no one has ever seen a void like it. It’s just the greatest void. We’ve got the numbers here. It’s bigger than the biggest hole ever. And I’m it.”

The Presidential statement was regarding The Gulf of Mexico, which Mr Trump claims was “renamed by a cat to upset me personally.”

Never one to turn the other cheek Donald is determined to set the world to his rights.

”On the first day in office, just after I invade Greenland, Blueland, Redland and the mental asylum they keep Doctor Lectern in, he really needs a pardon, just the greatest doctor. And (mental drift)…after I take possession of the deeds of Pamela, I will be renaming the Gulf of Mexico.”

The renaming will happen at a ceremony at Mar-a-Lago, during which a long line of obscenely wealthy men will drop suitcases full of cash at Mr Trump’s feet, so they can take the money into the afterlife.

”The Gulf of Mexico will be known forever after as The Gulf of Trump because in our hearts we’re the same.”

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Elon to “take care” of nuclear codes for Donald

VERY STABLE GENIUSES : The world is breathing a deep sigh of relief today with the announcement that Donald Trump’s best friend, Elon Musk, is to “take care” of the nuclear codes for him.

There had been speculation that the president elect was perhaps a little more unpredictable than the first time he had hold of the big red button, and he might smash it during a middle of the night tweet storm. But news that the responsibility for ending life on earth will be shared with someone younger, smarter, fitter and more productive has been the balm sought.

“Elon is definitely not a Bond style super villain,” a spokesman for the Kremlin told LCD Views, “and we trust him entirely to coordinate Armageddon with like minded friends.”

Other global capitals also expressed their approval of the arrangement, such as North Korea, Iran and China.

“It will be good to have Mr Trump back in the club,” a North Korean spokesperson told the UN. “We had been worried that we might not get any warning that it was time to go completely crazy and have a mushroom cloud party, but now we feel assured that if the party is happening, we won’t be the last to know.”

Whether or not Mr Trump is aware of the arrangement is yet to be ascertained as he is currently undergoing treatment to have British absentee MP, Nigel Farage, removed from his rectum. Again.

“As soon as the doctors have extricated Mr Farage from Mr Trump’s backside Elon will be in to see him and let him know that he won’t have to take care of the nuclear button all alone,” a GOP representative said, before ducking off to get on their knees and pray for the rapture.

Any concerns that Mr Trump may resist the arrangement were countered with the simple question of, “If not Elon, then who will pay for Mr Trump’s re-election campaign for 2028? If anyone is still alive on Earth. Clearly. That is yet to determined.”

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Senior Tory suggests offering “unwed royal princess” as dowry to Musk

HARD TIMES : As Nigel Farage takes pole position in the conservative political race to supplicate before Elon “Bond Super Villain” Musk, a senior Tory has clearly been thinking outside of the royal box.

”More royal box adjacent than outside,” Mamby Felchmore MP told LCD Views. “If we’re not careful the Fagash Fuhrer will get all the goodies, that by rights belong to the Tories..”

He is right to be concerned.

“We are the traditional party of massive foreign donations by magnanimous and well intentioned foreign billionaires. Look at how many roubles poured into Con coffers before old Vlad got a bit carried away. Not this upstart Nigel and his motley crew. How many peerages are there in the ranks of Reform? How many of them can trace their family wealth back to the sugar and spice trade? None. Bloody poor show. If you want to buy British politics you have to buy Conservative.”

The goodies are substantial, with on paper billionaire, Musk, openly stating his openness to donate a sum of money sufficient to destroy British democracy.

”The tech gods have been working to end the good chap model of government for over a decade. We need to be there helping. It’s not a question of if but when now. I don’t want to be watching some other monkey dance in front of the organ when it could be me.”

But how is Felchmore planning to elbow his way in front of Farage?

”Simple. Old fashioned power politics. We offer Musk a royal princess. Form an alliance in the traditional way. He likes wives. Why not have a British one next time?”

Buy British?

”It’s the best you can buy. Our Royals are still our governors. Not like the pretend monarchies on the Continent. Elon needs to remember, he self-evidently can’t buy class, but he can buy influence in our politics and I’m for sale!”