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Man caught smuggling 100,000 toilet rolls into the UK claims they are for his own personal use

On a roll: Canny customs officers have intercepted a shifty looking man they suspected of smuggling. On closer inspection, he turned out to be trying to bring illegal toilet tissue into the country.

A team of sniffer dogs were used in the sting. All of them were cute golden Labrador puppies.

The guards doubted that the seized items were for personal use. Nobody is that full of shit.

Border personnel have been on red alert ever since the panic buying began. The import duties on the widely derided EU-standard bum wipes are heavy, since they are far superior to the bog standard British ones.

A cavity search of the man revealed not just one roll, but almost 100,000. The duty on these alone is enough to liquidate the economy of a small Eastern European economy.

The man was incidentally also carrying several kilos of pure cocaine. These were thrown to the puppies as their reward.

He was taken into custody immediately. A huge Bounty was put on his head, although unfortunately it soon melted. The ransom demand was instantly met in full by HM government.

Soap, shampoo and shower gel have also become contraband. Customs guards are on the alert for individuals who are unusually clean, fragrant and well groomed.

The desperate smuggler was taken straight to hospital as a precautionary measure. However the Universal Credit people declared him fit for work and sent him straight back to Westminster.

Word is that the new head of Intelligence and Security, Chris Grayling, is all over the place. And the case. He is trying to keep calm and carry on in the smallest room, but since his supplier failed to supply him with his stash, he has been out panic buying loo roll at the Westminster Tesco Express.

One mystery remains. How did the smuggler fit 100,000 toilet rolls up his backside? Well, the truth is, nobody really knows, although he’s well known for being a massive arsehole.

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Dilyn the Dog quits Downing Street claiming he was bullied by Larry the Cat

It’s a dog’s life. Yet another prominent figure has tendered his resignation amid allegations of bullying. This time it is not a mere unelected bureaucrat, but the highly influential Downing Street figure of Dilyn the Dog.

The named bully is none other than the once highly popular Larry the Cat. “Larry is always scratching, backbiting and leaving dead mice in my basket,” barked Dilyn. “It leaves me feeling ruff. Ruff, ruff, ruff.”

Dilyn isn’t the first inhabitant of Downing Street to be dogged by Larry. The malicious moggy is also facing accusations from Babe, David Cameron’s pet pig, and Boris the Downing Street poodle. He is also defending a class action from a number of harassed mice.

Larry has been stoutly defended by Downing Street. There is no way he will end up in the doghouse.

LCD Views managed to track down Babe to St Gammon’s Kill And Cure Rest Sty for Retired Swine. Babe was very forthcoming about her experiences with Larry.

“That cat was a right bastard,” snorted Babe. “He never left me and Dave alone in peace. I was employed to do just the one job for Dave, but Larry saw to it that my life was made hell. Every time we got down to business, and I use the term advisedly, he would scratch at the door and yowl. Every time Dave got his trousers up and opened the door, Larry would just sit there like he owned the place, be sick on my trotters and stalk out. I was in therapy for years after.”

Talk about making a silk ear from a sow’s purse. Or whatever.

As for the rodents, well it’s a cat and mouse situation. Spokesmouse Barry the Rat claimed that Larry was engaged in a vendetta against his family. “Constantly chasing us, killing us and frightening the children,” squeaked Barry indignantly. “We are permanently ratty, and haven’t stolen any of the Prime Minister’s cheese for weeks!”

Sorry, Dilyn. Life’s a bitch.

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Foreigners are closing down because they lack the famous British stiff upper lip – UK PM stiffens his

GET READY TO STIFFEN YOURS : The behaviourism scientists and eugenicists filtering the medical specialists’ advice to the UK PM have offered reassurances as to how we’re getting it just right with Coronavirus, while all the silly foreigners are falling apart.

“Foreign chaps lack an upper lip capable of stiffening,” Mad Boffin Batshit told LCD Views’ pandemic correspondent, in an interview that was somewhat reserved and panic free.

“Clearly they are biologically capable of stiffening their lip, well, most of them. Some have had the ability bred right out of their race of course. But many still could, thanks to having British ancestors in their recent family tree,” Mad Boffin Batshit went on, “but psychologically they are inferior to British chaps. They lack the basic mental fortitude to look mass death in the face, shrug and show suitable reserve.”

But while it’s clear why the UK government is taking an increasingly diverse line on the viral threat to our European counterparts, Mad Boffin Batshit knows who will come out of all this looking the best.

“Look, we can’t very well thumb our nose at all that EU stuff and then go and copy their reaction to Covid-19. It will weaken our hand in the Brexit negotiations,” Mad Boffin Batshit explained, “when the foreign boys look at how we purposely arranged to cull our own herd of its weak, they’ll know the UK is completely full of stiffs.”

To help people understand why the British approach is best the government will shortly be launching a public information campaign.

“It will be just like the ‘Get Ready’ ones last year,” Mad Boffin Batshit advised, “except this time it will have the lyrics of ‘Ring a ring a rosie’ on them, just in case anyone’s forgot.”

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Nigel Farage releases handy guide for telling difference between a Smoker’s Cough and Coronavirus

NEWSNIGHT INFOTAINMENT SPECIAL : Never, ever let it be said that if Britain has a hole to dig that Nigel Farage won’t be there holding a shovel.

To this end everybody’s favourite sixty a day expert is on hand to ease concerns over coughing in public in the age of Coronavirus.

Later this evening Mr Farage will personally make his 4,536th BBC appearance to information the great British public about a key issue related to Covid-19.

“British Imperial Tobacco have asked for Mr Farage’s help in keeping the public aware that there is a difference between a cough symptomatic of Covid-19 and a standard, vigorous and perfectly in infectious smoker’s cough,” an aide to Mr Farage told LCD Views.

The concern of BIT rightly centres on an anxiety that heavy smokers may start to cut back during the global pandemic, out of a concern of social isolation relating to their normal, healthy cough.

Behaviour generating social isolation has never worried Mr Farage, in fact he’s specialised in it, to the point where the entire UK is now socially isolating on its own continent.

“We all know that regularly smoking, each quarter hour, helps lungs remain healthy with the exercise inhaling and exhaling smoke and its particles involves,” the aide continued, “there is even reputable scientific advice that lungs full of smoke suffocate Clovid-19. It’s vital that people keep hammering in the coffin nails even if they aren’t self isolating. You don’t want to alarm friends, family members and colleagues by sudden changes in behaviour. That will just cause panic.”

But how can you tell the difference?

“It’s perfectly simple, as Nigel will explain while puffing away. A smoker’s cough indicates that death is potentially still years away, whereas a Covid-19 cough could mean days. Just look for the shadow of death near or behind the individual concerned and most importantly, use your common sense. Someone with the potentially deadly flu has a fever. Someone with a smoker’s cough maybe red in the face, but it’s just their blood pressure.”

Smokers are further encouraged to stockpile cigarettes, and other tobacco products now, but not to let the stockpiles last.

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Trump suspends travel from Europe except UK because Covid-19 can’t be spread by English‬ speakers

PATIENT COVFEFE : US President for Life, Donald Trump, has today announced measures to make the EU his scapegoat for his bungled handling of the Covid-19 crisis.

“We’re banning all air travel from the European Union,” the orange supernova stated, “just until we can build a wall in the middle of the Atlantic. It’s going to be the greatest wall. Just the greatest. It will be a sea wall. It will be made from seas. Not many people know this, but the European Union is going to pay for it.”

But while going after the EU states, Donald Trump has excepted Ireland and the UK.

“I want to thank my servant Boris Johnson for doing his part to not show up my bunglering of this Italian flu. Delaying the UK province’s response to the crisis has given me the time I need to allow the crisis to escalate to the point where I can be a hero and act to stop it.”

Downing Street hasn’t commented on the statements from the White House yet.

“We’re waiting for our statement to be written in Washington and faxed to us,” a Downing Street source explained.

But it’s believed allowing Trump to set the pace is giving Mr Johnson more time to relax.

“We now have the best cold and flu numbers in the United States. The health sector is going to make a killing, which is in line with my attempts to gaslight a virus,” Mr Trump added, “people can still come here from the UK’s, all of them, as we all know the Coronavirus, in fact all the beer ones, can’t be transmitted by speaking English.”

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Grayling lands top intelligence job as he was “only one smart enough to work out pizza shops deliver ferries”

INTELLIGENCE MATTERS OR MAYBE NOT : COVID-19 FACED STIFF COMPETITION to hold the front pages today as the news broke that Boris Johnson had appointed Britain’s ‘Einstein’ Chris Grayling to head up the important Intelligence and Security Committee.

“It’s genius,” a Downing Street source, who normally looks after the 10 Downing Street rescue dog, commented, “Boris is desperate to give John Crace someone else to focus on. Grayling heading up the Intelligence committee? Wow! Talk about irony overload. The sketch writers will now completely ignore Johnson and his goings on. Classic Dom, as someone once said.”

The appointment also solves another tricky problem for Downing Street.

“The old boys must be looked after in the club, even the complete and utter idiots. Grayling excelled at taking money from the public coffers and putting them, by way of policy bungling, into private pockets. He has earned every bit of this new appointment.”

It will presumably make not releasing the Intelligence Report on Russian Interference into UK Democracy a breeze.

“Wait until he tries to photocopy that explosive tome and puts it in the microwave instead! No long grass needed. Boom! Up in smoke. Genius.”

Although there are some worrying signs early on with the switch from Grieve (overqualified and just irritating) to Grayling (perfection).

“Okay. There’s an early problem, but we’re sure by spending a few billion of the taxpayers’ hard earned coin we can sort it out and keep all customers happy.”

What problem could Grayling possibly have created? And this early on?

“He’s only gone and offered a free Intelligence Report on Russian Interference with every family size pizza ordered between now and December.”

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‪Downing Street confirms plan to “level up” Coronavirus in UK until everyone gets it‬

VIRAL REDISTRIBUTION : Some things Tory MPs aren’t keen to share between rich and poor, like magic money tree inheritances, the Intelligence Report into Russian Interference in UK Democracy, and the profits from casino gambling with people’s pensions. But when it comes to a potentially lethal viral cold they appear much more generous.

“We’re levelling up Coronavirus,” a Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, on the back of the news that Health Minister Nadine Dorries is the first high profile politician to be infected.

“So we’ve no plans to test minsters or the prime minister, or anyone that Dorries has been in contact with. At least not so far as we’ll admit publicly, because then everyone will expect testing.”

To this end large public gatherings are still going ahead. Jammed commuter services are still operating and schools remain the greatest place to catch a cold going.

“Also a full sitting of parliament today, with Dominic Raab looking like he’s having trouble negotiating a bad cold,” the spokesman nodded, “and then everyone back out to their constituency surgeries and swanky events. We’re British. We’re not Italian. Covid-19 knows this.”

Right…

“Look, we can’t have the panic until there’s something to panic over, like a pandemic,” the source continued, “an unwillingness to look reality squarely in the face and act in a preemptive fashion would make a failure of Brexit. It’s how we govern now. Don’t you like it? We definitely aren’t planning to explain to people how we will maintain all vital supplies and services in the event of the inevitable lockdown in a week or two. If they don’t go out and panic buy then how will we achieve record growth in the first quarter of 2020? Brexit stockpiling really gave the economy a boost.”

When pressed as to why mass public gatherings like the Cheltenham races were still going ahead, with 60,000 people in close contact on the first day, the spokesman shrugged.

“Horses can’t get Covid-19, any fool knows that.”

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REO Speedwagon re-record classic hit as Take It On The Chin

The last few years it’s been impossible to avoid classic rock acts reworking their old hits. The Beatles’ “Strawberry Milkshake Forever” as well as the whole White Album being renamed the Multicultural Album, are just the tip of the iceberg. Brexit has been lampooned by Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Leave Is” and Paul Simon’s updated lyric of the folk riddle that is “Scarborough Fair”.

And now it’s the turn of REO Speedwagon, whose 1980 song Take It On The Run is being tweaked in response to Boris Johnson’s comments about Coronavirus.

“I know we’re an American band,” REO singer Kevin Cronin explained, “and that one or two Brits will say how dare they say this to our prime minister, but you gotta remember our own president is saying the same sort of rubbish, and when I heard this remark, I thought of this song right away.”

He could almost have been quoting Nigel Farage, who stuck his head into our office to say almost word-for-word what Cronin just said, in spite of the fact that we’ve put up notices to forbid him entry after the last time.

The original song, which made the top 5 in the US and top 20 in the UK, was written by the band’s late guitarist Gary Richrath and dealt with an unfaithful partner. The chorus went:

You take it on the run baby, if that’s the way you want it baby,
Then I don’t want you around.
I don’t believe it, not for a minute,
You’re under the gun and you take it on the run.

The new chorus lyrics, adapted by Cronin, goes:

I take it on the chin baby, if that’s the way you want it baby,
Then I don’t want you around.
I don’t believe it, not for a minute,
That we should give in, and take it on the chin.

“It’s just such an easy change of lyric,” Cronin explained. “I’m sure Gary would have approved. It’s so difficult to strike the right note with a song about illness. Either you have something mild and you have to play it for laughs, or it’s something fatal and you have to be completely respectful in case someone hears it who’s going through the same thing. So I was glad that the angle for the lyrics was not at the expense of the people suffering from the virus.”

Cronin was quick to deny the rumours that another REO hit, his own “Can’t Fight This Feeling” was also being reworked. “That would fall into the comedy category,” he said, “and like I said we’re not going down that road.”

The new single “Take It On The Chin” will be in the shops on Friday 13th of March.

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Dominic Cummings reported to have settled on “Bring Out Your Dead!” as Coronavirus slogan

AS I LIVE AND BREATHE : Good news today for worry worts who think the leadership from 10 Downing Street is lacking in the face of the tidy new flu that’s travelling the globe.

“Dom has settled on a slogan and it’s a classic,” a source inside Downing Street, handpicked because they’re a freak, told LCD Views, “we’ve even focus grouped it with a bunch of weird AF early twenty something Tory voters. They don’t get the cultural reference, but they’re giddy at the thought of carts rumbling through the former red wall towns.”

The choosing of a slogan for facing up to the challenge of the Covid-19 strain has been the predominant focus for the geniuses currently running Britain (Into the ground? Off a cliff? Who knows!).

“Brexit was solved by a couple of catchy words. In fact any public policy matter can be boiled down to a slogan. Then you just stop and let events unfold. This is not about disaster management.”

But some critics have suggested that “Bring Out Your Dead!” is a little too morbid for what will be a fairly low key public health crisis.

“We did think about going with ‘Dig for Britain!’ next to a team excavating a very large pit, but we are saving that one for next year’s food shortages, after Boris successfully fails to get a deal with the EU. It’s my personal favourite.”

No one should be in any doubt that photos of unstaffed arrival halls and immigration counters, greeting Brits returning from Coronavirus hotspots in Italy is in anyway an accident.

“We’re on top of all the details,” the source added, “the slogan only has four syllables. It’s genius. Our seeming in action is not eugenics inaction, although that would also make a great slogan!”

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AD 1348 and King Boris of Uxbridge suggests serfs take the Black Death “on the chin”

A GOVERNMENT OF THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS : ENGLAND AD 1348 – Faced with a looming public health emergency King Boris de piffle Johnson, of Uxbridge and South Tongueslip, ordered his golden throne set up in a Westminster square and addressed his people.

“Get Dying Done!” King Boris roared at the filth stained masses, in another sign that government by hard right populists and deceit quickly reduces satirists to a daily, binary choice between gallows humour and mere commentary (not every day, just many).

“Those pustules erupting in your groin, just give them a stab with something sharp. They’ll soon be gone. The cough wracking your chest? Try and cough over your neighbours, before they nail their front doors shut. This new curse was sent by God to reduce lines in my brow. Each one of you, endlessly moaning as you dig in the filth, you are a furrow on my brow. I do not care to till. I want my brow as flawless as the skin of my young mistresses.”

The decision to let the plague just run its course made a lot of sense.

“It will take care of the social care problem! Our Abbeys are overflowing with lepers. I told you I had a plan! It’ll solve the housing market by freeing up the homes of many elderly. And just think of the boost to the economy once the equity of all those inheritances is released into the wife markets of our towns and villages? It really is a blessing, this new form of death, it’s not a curse. And besides, I would rather spend my time in private consideration of my majesty, and affairs, I prefer it if God takes care of you.”

The choice also took care of the difficult problem of how do you convince a populace, so many of whom are willingly dumbed down by the distractions of bread and endless circuses, to show a little spirit and look to each other for a week or two? Before their own interests are directly threatened?

Too thorny a knot. The King has seen the recent Revolt of Bogroll hill.

Get Dying Done! Take it on the chin! There’s a good people. King Boris is busy and bored with you, he has heirs to produce.

The shepherd cares not to tend his flock, but let the wolves of pestilence loose among it.

They say a country gets the government it deserves, perhaps after the scourge of illness has run its course, the country might once again decide to deserve something better than government by cranks and chancers, fronts for the new feudal barons of our time…